Sorry about the lateness. I worked 7 straight days in a row this week, plus volunteer work, plus another recap (Pretty Little Liars. It’ll be up on Friday, so you can read that one too). So, it’s been an exhausting week. Let’s get to it.
Mary Alice says that children learn their most important lessons outside the classroom. I concur.
“You’re right, Jamie. Misty’s are, like, way more smooth than those Parliaments we’ve been smoking.”
Speaking of children, let’s see what Gabby’s up to. Ah. Dropping Juanita off at school. Under normal circumstances, just another morning routine in the life of a child. But not for Juanita. Gabby’s pissed because people are taking too long to drop their kids off in the safe “Green Zone.” Seriously? When I was a kid our recess monitor smoked and couldn’t give a shit if we fell off the METAL slide and onto the PAVEMENT. Our school had a freaking “pulley ride,” which was a rope attached to a cable — you’d climb way up to a platform, grab the rope, and then slide alllll the way down to a “soft” landing in a patch of 70% sand and 30% gravel. Holy shit, that was awesome. But no. No, they’ve gotten rid of that and everything else that’s fun because of “safety.” Bunch of whiny fat people, that’s what America’s kids are going to be.
Oh holy dammit, we’re not even two minutes in. Gabby tells Juanita to get out anyway, which pisses off the PTA lady/drop off monitor — Dana (played by Beth Littleford, who you might confuse with Nancy Walls, who you might confuse with Laura Kightlinger). Dana is all kinds of mad and banishes Gabby to the “B Lot,” to which she will have to drive Juanita each day and then walk to school with her. Really? I kind of call bullshit on this one. Unless the school is on an island, I’m pretty sure Gabby can just drop Juanita off around the block or across the street or on a cross-street. I’m already so annoyed by this plot. Gabby is not happy about this and is already thinking up a hare-brained scheme for revenge that will blow up in her face, cause Carlos to yell at her, and then teach her a Very Big Lesson that will humble her and make her vow to never do anything like that again. Until next week. Credits.
Lynette’s reading up about separation and making sure she’s doing everything right. Like adding her visitation days on the calendar.
Or, you could, I don’t know, just WRITE IT ON THE CALENDAR ITSELF, Lynette. Dang.
Seriously — what is the point of that?! Lynette keeps records of her expenses and takes out her stress by pounding meat (that’s literal, not figurative). Oh, Renee is there.
“No, no, don’t focus the camera on me, I don’t want to take away from anyone else. I’ll just stay in the background, drinking wine, occasionally making a witty, dry comment.”
She’s like a much less influential and way sluttier Dorothy Parker. Lynette tells Renee that it’s not a “divorce” but a “separation,” and just then Tom pulls up to take Penny to the Sad Divorced Dad Ice Cream Parlor or whatever. He has a teeth whitener in his mouth which somehow makes his mouth sound like it’s full of junior high retainer (mine had tiger stripes!) and he’s wearing a work-out suit, which means he’s, you know . . . working out. Renee seems to think this means that Tom is banging some other chick. Lynette tells Renee that Tom would tell her if he was dating someone else. Would he, Lynette? Would he?! Cuz he sure as hell didn’t tell you about his secret baby.
Bree cautiously opens her mailbox, expecting something disastrous, like the note from the mystery person *cough* Betty Applewhite *cough*. Gabby surprises her and tells Bree that the person isn’t good at blackmail since they didn’t ask for anything, so now that she’s done with Chuck, maybe they’re in the clear. And just then, Bree’s guests arrive: Danielle and her son Benjamin. The last time we saw Danielle she was drunk and bitchy. And before that she had a kid and was bitchy. And before that she was pregnant and bitchy. And before that she was a slutty teenager and bitchy. Basically, I’m trying to say that Danielle is a delightful young lady with a lot of intelligent insight. Turns out that Danielle’s husband, Leo, left her, which delights Bree to no end. Danielle’s like, “You know how that feels. You just got dumped by that cop.” Yeah. And also her first husband died, she watched her fiancee die and did nothing to stop it, and her second husband left her (in a wheelchair). As failed relationships go, Danielle is doing pretty good for a Van de Kamp. Bree tells Danielle that she was the one who ended it but it doesn’t matter because she’s going to help Danielle with a plan to get her life together. Danielle doesn’t want to stay because her mom is, well, Bree. But Bree insists. I have to say, seeing this Bree return, instead of the new, more relaxed Bree, is kind of jarring. And annoying.
Susan, meanwhile, is poring over the “Eagle State College of the Arts” course catalog.
“Hmmm. ‘Ridiculous Pratfalls and High-Pitched Squealing’ sounds like an easy A, but then again, ‘Cleaning Your Home Like a Slut With a Webcam’ doesn’t require any textbooks. Hmmm.”
Mike comes in and kind of sort of gives Susan the silent treatment, so Susan asks if he still loves her. To be fair, Mike doesn’t really seem mad, and he tells her that he could never stop loving her. He’s relieved that he now knows why she’s been distant, and it’s kind of cool that she’s not heedlessly boning Carlos in the night. Susan’s glad, but Mike cautions that her guilt and the memory of what she did will never go away. She says that she’ll keep busy and junk, so maybe that will help. With that, she announces that she’s taking a painting class from Andre Zeller, who is the “Peyton Manning” of football. And if I knew anything about football or Peyton Manning, I would insert an “Oh, sure, if Andre Zeller _____________ passes and _______________ the football on a _____________ field goal first and ten . . . thing.” But I do not. So it is your loss. But not really. Susan needs to get her portfolio together to show Andre so he can approve her for the class. Wow. You mean the writers are going to actually acknowledge that Susan was a semi-accomplished artist? I don’t think that’s come up since season 5. Oh, season 5. You sucked so much.
Over at Lot B, Gabby and Juanita brace themselves for the mile walk to school. Again, does something like this even exist? I find it hard to believe that a school would approve of this and that none of the parents would sue. Let’s just go along with it, because it’s a Gabby plot, and — let’s face it — that’s pretty much what we do with Gabby sub-plots every year. Turns out there are a couple other ladies who have been banished to the lot as well and they hate Dana too. Turns out, Dana was elected to be PTA President. Except she pretty much straight up told Gabby that someone died from cancer so the position went to her not 7 minutes ago. So . . . ugh, just go with it. Gabby’s gonna rally the troops and go to the PTA meeting and cause a big coup to overthrow Dana.
Susan’s showing her portfolio to Andre Zeller, who happens to be played by Miguel Ferrer, who I happen to think is extremely sexy. I think a lot of it has to do with his manly, husky, smoky voice. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. All I know is that he can have his way with me whenever he wants. Her portfolio is basically comprised of children’s illustrations, which isn’t really, I don’t know, risky. Or, you know, ART.
Even with Susan’s adorable drawings, “The Children’s Book of Animal Kama Sutra” was nevertheless a wholly controversial book.
Susan says that she’s a huge fan of his work and she wishes she could do what he does, and while he’s impressed with her technique, she’s not going to be in the class. He says that he’s looking for serious students and she’s just some bored housewife. When Susan balks at this, he asks her if she has any work that is representative of real art. She does, and she’ll bring it in tomorrow. Meaning she’ll try to knock out a few pieces of crap overnight.
Danielle’s watching TV, which Bree says she’s been doing for three days. So she wants to talk about Danielle’s future, since when Bree got all mopey, she turned into an alcoholic. Danielle: “Wine sounds really good right now, we should totally get a bottle.” Hee. Danielle says that she’s designed some “exercise equipment” and she has a business plan — she just needs a place to work and 5,000 big boys. Bree offers her 500 bucks and use of her test kitchen. Wow. First Susan’s work as an illustrator and now Bree’s test kitchen? That’s two correct continuity references! What’s happening?! My world is upside down!
Tom’s back to tell Lynette that there’s a glitch in his schedule, but they work it out, and set up an appointment to see the couple’s counselor. Wow. Riveting. Tom gets a phone call, but is a tiny bit cryptic about it, taking it outside with him when he leaves.
“Let’s see. If I move this appointment to Thursday, that gives me enough time to make Penny feel worthless, squeeze in that shaming of Parker, and I can squeeze in some emasculation time for Tom. The system works!”
Time for the PTA meeting, where Gabby rushes in late, of course. Dana calls her out and Gabby gets up to make her big schpiel about parking and drop offs and Dana’s reign of terror. Of course, the other girls wimp out . . . but then grow their backbones back — they stand behind Gabby as she says that a group of 5 parents can seek a vote of no confidence in a PTA President, and since there are 5 of them, they’ll be ready to take that vote. But Dana bribes two of the ladies with the parking placards so . . . We cut to Gabby in Lot C, which looks like a dump. Literally. It’s like Mad Max: The Elementary School Years. Seriously, no one has complained to the school about this?
Bree interrupts Danielle’s work to give her some lemonade, because that’s what Bree does. Turns out, Danielle’s little start-up has had over 200 orders since they put up the website. Her phone rings for another order and Bree takes Benjamin out for lunch. Okay, so, I’m just going to fast-track it: Danielle isn’t selling “exercise equipment.” She’s selling sex swings. And they hold up to 300 lbs. Finally. A sex swing for the husky gentleman.
Lynette bought Penny an iPad. Well, probably an iPad knockoff. She says she got it so that she and Penny can video chat, like when Penny needs help with homework. Has Tom moved to Afghanistan? Is he on another continent? Because then I could see the point in this. No? He’s just across town? Huh. And of course, while she’s at Tom’s apartment, Penny gets a video request from her mom, who’s not interested in helping her at all with her homework — she just wants to see Tom’s new place. She’s especially interested in Tom’s window, through which she can see Tom talking some Chloe slut, who also lives in the building.
The CW is hoping that the second reboot of Melrose Place will stick.
Don’t hold your breath. Apparently Chloe teaches “Booty Burn Ballet” at the gym, prompting Lynette to hang up on her daughter. Who needs help with homework. And also loves her. For not really any apparent reason.
So Susan has painted a really deep painting.
“The dark sky represents cleaning my apartment in lingerie and the tree represents getting locked out of my house naked.”
Cliche much, Susan? Why not just paint a picture of a sad clown and get it over with? Andre asks her what the painting means to her and Susan gives a bullshit lame answer: Loneliness, because the tree used to be green but now it’s not “and winter’s ahead and it’s just doing what it can to survive.” Geez. Andre derides Susan, because ohmigod of course he should, and he’s like, You went home and thought, What could I paint to represent my lame life? and you thought of a tree because the tree is lonely and so am I. Susan’s like, “How dare you, you don’t know anything about me.” Well, he knows your paintings are unimaginative crap, so I’m thinking that’s probably enough, Susan. He says she’s shallow and her work is shallow and she’s “afraid of ugly.” Well, she dated Jackson in Season 5, so clearly she’s not completely afraid of ugly. Zing! Then she gets on her huffy bike and throws a silly tantrum and says that she’s done things that Andre knows nothing about and she. Has. Pain!! And then she smears black paint on a blank canvas and then stabs the canvas, ripping it all up. Because ohmigod how edgy is that?! Black paint?! A RIPPED CANVAS?! Hardcore, my friends. Hardcore. They would eat that shit up in a master’s level art class at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, which is, I believe, renowned for it’s paintings of dead trees and sad clowns. Edgy. Edgy stuff. (Also, I went to grad school there for reals! Best time of my life.)
Bree is alone in her test kitchen, trying to figure out how to use the sex swing as exercise equipment, but she can’t seem to get it to work. Because it’s not on her vagina. Renee (of course) pops in to ask about a person, place, or thing. Possibly an idea. I think it would be awesome if Renee was in every single scene, in the background, no dialogue, just drinking a martini and rolling her eyes. She immediately congratulates Bree on getting back together with Chuck, and when Bree says she’s not, Renee asks what’s up with the sex swing. Of course Renee knows what a sex swing is. It’s your job to know these things when you’re the Edie Britt/Samantha Jones archetype. Danielle arrives just in time to see this:
“Oh, Renee, I’ve never felt so alive with pleasure!”
Renee runs out with a sex swing in tow. Hee. Bree is not impressed by Danielle’s venture and says that Danielle is a disappointment. Has Bree ever said something like that to Danielle before? Because I remember her being nothing but loving and supportive to Danielle since day one. Danielle says that Bree “lives” to judge her and runs off, leaving Bree in her sex swing.
Susan is giving Mike the story of what went down with Andre, including the fact that she left her portfolio at the classroom. Mike says that as much as she wants what happened with Alejandro to go away, it’s a part of her.
“Just like tacky kimono robes are apparently also part of you. Unfortunately.”
Susan refuses to believe this because, well, she’s Susan and she pretty much refuses to ever believe anything, ever. Mike says he knows from experience and if she can accept it as part of her than maybe she can figure out how to live with it. If not, it’ll jump out when she least expects it, and that’s a crappy way to live.
Bree finally escaped from her sex swing thanks to the UPS guy cutting her down. She admits to Danielle that she’s right and that she has no right to judge Danielle or anyone else, especially with recent events. She asks for Danielle’s forgiveness, which Danielle shockingly immediately gives. And then Bree says she wants to be a completely silent partner in Danielle’s business of sex swing making.
Andre’s teaching his class when Susan sneaks in to grab her portfolio and Andre says that she should sit down because she’s late. Susan’s in the class! Oh, who would have predicted this fortuitous turn of events except for everybody! Andre says that Susan better bring the crazy to every class. Something tells me that Susan will have no problem with that.
“Inspiration, inspiration . . . I’ve got it! I’ll go buy a wedding cake, bring it to class, and then fall on it.”
Lynette’s heading out the door to work out when Renee of course shows up to work out with her. Sans martini, sadly. Lynette’s like, Let’s go check out that awesome booty burn ballet that I’ve been hearing about because I hear the instructor is a total bitch slut or something, I don’t know! She tells Renee about Chloe being Tom’s strumpet. Turns out, the class? Has nothing to do with ballet. At all. It’s aerobics and honestly, it doesn’t look that hard. Lynette trades wit with some doctor lady beside her.
Over in Lot C Beyond Thunderdome, Gabby is pissed that she’s going to be late for her eyebrow waxing, so she goes rogue and takes Juanita to the drop off, where those two back-stabbers tell her that no good can come of this. Dana makes ladies put some cones in front of Gabby; she just runs them over. And because she’s not paying attention, she does the same thing to Dana.
Later, Gabby apologizes to Dana about hitting her with her car. Dana isn’t really thrilled to be in a neck brace and some stomach brace thing. She also can no longer fulfill her duties as PTA President, so she’s appointing Gabby. Wha? Color Gabby confused because she thinks Dana hates her. Which is true, and also the reason Dana wants Gabby to head the PTA — it will turn Gabby into Dana — a joyless, soulless, control-freak-y shrew. Gabby understandably passes on this, especially since it’s not like Dana can blackmail her into doing it by pressing charges ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh okay.
Chloe is talking to Lynette, telling her that she also does aromatherapy and lingerie modeling. As a hobby. Lynette and Renee start to leave and Lynette says that she’s not thrilled with Tom seeing her, but he can’t be serious about her because she’s an idiot. See girls? You cannot be pretty and smart at the same time. Desperate Housewives wants you to know this. And then Tom shows up, Lynette is passive-aggressive about the whole thing, Tom accuses Lynette of being a stalker weirdo, and long story short (too late), he’s not dating Chloe. He’s dating that witty middle-aged doctor lady who was next to Lynette in the class. Her name is Jane. And she’s Chloe’s mom. Ooooh, ouch, Lynette. Ouchies. Tom was going to tell Lynette in counseling and he adds that he’ll see her at the appointment on Thursday, but Lynette’s all, “What’s the point.” And she sounds so defeated and sad and world-weary that even though I haven’t been on her side at all this episode, I totally am now. Tom and Lynette piss me off to no end, but I want Lynette to fight, dammit! Oh, Felicity Huffman. Only you can take a turd that is sometimes Lynette and make her shine like a diamond.
Mary Alice talks about truth and lessons as Gabby puts on a reflective vest and Susan paints an edgy black smear on an edgy white canvas. Art! At the police office, Chuck is still looking at the ring he was going to give to Bree when some other guy tosses some missing person reports on his desk. And whose report happens to be right on top?
Have you seen this woman?
Fine, it’s Alejandro’s file.
Desperate Housewives Memories!
(Didn’t get the TVGasm nickname, so let me know!) – First off I have seen every episode at least once, but one scene sticks with me over all others as the most memorable. Lynette deciding to end her “affair” and locking herself in her bathroom and running the bathtub to hide her tears. Amazing and unforgettable in my opinion.
PlathAddict - I also loved the one when Edie goes up against Bree over Orson and the whole Benjamin thing. And she shows up at Bree’s house with the letter Orson wrote to his lawyer. And she not only blackmails Bree, she asks Bree to make sure she brings some fresh baked muffins (or was it cookies?) to her next open house. Of course, that led to Edie’s exile which made me sad. I loved that scene too when all of the other women walk up to her all united in their mean girl-ness and the way Edie faces them down even though you can see how hurt she is.
One last Edie scene: This was during the “Carlos is blind” story line. Edie goes to Gabby after Gabby had returned Carlos’s seeing eye dog because the dog didn’t like her being mean to Carlos. And Edie tells her that Gabby might want to reconsider the way she treats Carlos because, not only are there plenty of women who would consider themselves lucky to be married to Carlos, but also at this point all she is doing is abusing a blind man. Edie was so freaking awesome.
Other favorite scenes:
When Bree asked Karl to help her with the whole “Andrew is trying to blackmail me” storyline. One of the few times I actually liked Karl was when he calmly asked Bree for more coffee and after she leaves he tears into Andrew about how ashamed his father would be of him for treating his mother that way.
Loved the scene when Lynette took on the alpha mom at her kids’ school over the school play and was all “let’s take this outside.”
Also loved when Lynette finally outed herself as having cancer to that overbearing mom who wanted Lynette to help out more at the school. The way she whipped off her wig to get the woman’s attention (it had hints of that shocking episode of Melrose Place when Kimberly (played by Marcia Cross) pulled off her wig to reveal The Scar!). But the best part about that scene is when Lynette turned and saw her friends react to the revelation.
Mila – My favorite memory is of Rex Van De Kamp explaining to Bree why he is into skanks, especially when he says: ”I’m sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn’t move.” But than, I loved Bree in the first seasons and Little Miss Van De Tramp and gay teen Andrew…
The little friendship affair between Bree and Gabby is also one of my favorites. If I thought of more I guess I would mostly end up with Bree, I think she’s hilarious.
You guys, I still have my other recap to write and tons of other stuff on my plate so I don’t have my usual responses this week. I WILL respond to the memories in the comments, you can count on that! And feel free to read my upcoming recap of Pretty Little Liars! Once this show is off the air, it’s going to be your best bet for the same kind of campy drama!