Desperate Housewives Recap: The Null Monty

Hey kiddos!  Sorry about the lack of a mini-cap this week.  Once a month on a Sunday I have to
work until 9pm, and since I’m in the central time zone, that means I’ll miss DH since it comes on at 8pm.  So now you know.  And I know this recap looks long, but I’ve added the DH Memories, so there you go.

Mary Alice talks about how when she was alive, she and Bree were totes close, because they had so much in common.  You can now add this note to the list:

You know, if she had actually turned it over, Mary Alice would have found that the note continues:  “I know you put real apples in your mock apple pie.  I hate apples.  They make me sick.  I’m going to tell everyone.  Bitch.  See you at the P.T.A. fundraiser!”

See?  There was no need to shoot yourself, Mary Alice!  So now we’re back to the very first season of the show which makes me very happy.  We see Mary Alice kneeling over Deirdre with the bloody knife.  We see Mary Alice putting Deirdre’s body in Zach’s trunk.  We see Mary Alice conflicted over telling her friends that she, you know, stabbed someone and hid the body.  We see Mary Alice putting bullets in the gun.  In voice-over, she says that she was hoping she could “consign her deeds to history,” but she should have known that history always repeats itself.

And we’re back to Bree pretty much shitting her Gloria Vanderbilt pants from the letter she just got, and Chuck’s all, Is something wrong?

“I got a letter saying my Boniva prescription is going to be late!”

Uh-oh.  No rough sex for awhile, Chuck!  Bree’s all, Just a letter from a friend I haven’t heard from in a long time and I’m annoyed because the postman left me Gabby’s bill again.  So she tells Chuck to go inside while she drops it off at Gabby’s house.  But then someone comes out of the shadows and scares Bree.  It’s McCluskey, yay!  Bree asks if she’s seen anyone around her mailbox because she got an obscene letter.  McCluskey, true to form, is all, Be glad someone still thinks you’re obscene!  McC tells her that it’s just a note and she needs to let it go.  Something tells me that Bree’s going to have a hard time doing that.  Credits!

The next morning (or something), Mary Alice talks about how people connect, which is something I’m pretty sure she’s already covered in another episode.  Come on, Mary Alice.  You’re dead.  You have plenty of time to think of new metaphors.  There’s really no excuse for this.  Mike is helping Tom put some boxes in his truck and I’m hoping that they’re talking about how sweaty they’re getting and how they’ll need to shower together to clean off.  To save water.  Because my mind is always on water conservation and nothing else, people.  And if saving the earth includes some same-sex shower sessions between two guy-friends with sexy chests, then so be it.

Carlos comes home at night to find Gabby on the stairs in lingerie and with a bottle of champagne. This can only mean one thing:

“I thought we could do our taxes tonight.”

Nothing is sexier than a shoebox full of receipts.  Gabby says it’s been 38 days since they’ve had sex and that the streak ends tonight.  Carlos says he has too much work to do.  Seriously?  Gabby even went to the trouble of having McCluskey watch the kids, so Carlos changes his mind.  And we cut to a few minutes later, with both Gabby and Carlos in bed.  Turns out, Carlos couldn’t get his little soldier to salute.  He had a sch-wing and a miss.  He was disappointing Miss Daisy.  Serving boneless pork.  The null Monty.  What I’m trying to say is that Carlos’s penis could not get an erection.  And also, Carlos has a less-than-magic johnson.

This doesn’t really look like Carlos, but this is probably as good as a shirtless man moment we’ll get in this episode, so there you go.

Gabby says that they’ll just try more champagne and a massage and maybe things will get better.  And harder.  But Carlos says that he’s not in the mood.

Susan’s out shopping, still racked with guilt, and when she sees a cop pull up in his car, she freaks out a little bit.  And when some rent-a-cop security guard stops her and is all, “I know what you did.  And you’re not getting away with it,” she’s all, Whaaaa?!

“Yeah.  Oh, yeah.  I saw you in ‘Tango & Cash.’  That movie was awful, just awful.  It was terrible.  I demand my money back!”

Susan walked out with a case of soda in the bottom of her cart and he won’t let her get away with it.  Luckily, the fatter, balder, older, sweatier, wiser security guard runs up and apologizes to Susan on behalf of Kevin and his over-zealousness when it comes to guarding groceries.  Kevin tells Susan that she’s a criminal.  The older dude says that he’s known Susan for years and she’d never do anything wrong.  And Susan, being the dolt that she is, is all, You don’t know me at all, I have done something very bad.  Luckily, Kevin brought some handcuffs from home, so he can cuff that soda-stealing bitch!  I bet Susan buys store-brand soda.  I bet the soda has a sad knock-off name like K-Cola or Dr. Thunder or Big K Citrus Drop.

Generic cola:  When you refuse to pay more than $1.50 for a 12-pack, we’ll be there.

Okay, fine, I will admit that I buy store-brand lemon-lime soda because, really, they all taste the same anyway.  And sometimes I’ll buy store-brand fruit punch soda because they’re the only ones that make it and it is delicious.  But I will only buy Diet Pepsi when it comes to regular soda.  And not because I’m watching my figure, but because I adore the taste of Diet Pepsi.  It tastes like heaven.  It’s better than regular Pepsi, if you ask me, and is leagues ahead of that completely vile drink called Diet Coke.  Vile.

Oh, shit, the recap, right.  Where was I?  Susan tells the guards that they need to march her inside and make her pay, to make her an example for other criminals.  Oh, great.  So now Susan’s going to go to Sears and tell them that she needs to be arrested for ripping the tags off her mattress.  Also, I like Teri Hatcher’s hair.  I think she lightened it.  It looks good.

Meanwhile:

So.  Many.  Fantasies.

Mike is over at Ben’s house (the Aussie), fixing the plumbing under the sink.  There’s no charge because he swapped out the cracked fitting or something, I don’t know.  Honestly, I was too busy thinking of Mike getting water all over his shirt . . . and pants . . . and underwear . . .  Mike says that the pipes are great, because he’s the one who put them in the house.  Then Ben says that he’s a real estate developer and could use a guy like Mike.  You know, loyal, hard-working, trustworthy, . . . tattooed . . . lean . . . muscular . . .

Fine.  Back to the recap.  As Mike is getting into his truck, Renee stops by to chat him up about how Ben has a thing for her but doesn’t know it yet.  She wants the scoop on Ben, but the only thing Mike can say is that he had some plaque hanging on his wall about his work with the elderly.  Great.  So now Renee is going to exploit the elderly.  This will be either hilarious or embarrassing.

Over at the Scavo house, Lynette is folding what seems like a never-ending pile of laundry, when Penny comes home and is all hyped-up about how awesome Tom’s hotel is and how amazing her giant cherry cola slushie is ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod!  Lynette tells Tom that now Penny’s going to be up so late from all the caffeine and sugar.  And it’s a school night!  That’s so irresponsible and horrible, just horrible!  God, Tom, you are such a worthless piece of shit!  Lynette tells Tom that he needs to learn to say no because she doesn’t want to be the bad guy all the time.  Because things are different now that they’re separated.  Um, except not, since I’m pretty sure they had this exact same argument last year.  And every year before that.  Tom’s all, Yeah things are different.  “For instance, I used to have to stand here and listen to this.  But now I’m thinking . . . No.”  Oh, dip!  And then he walks away.  Good on ya, T-Scav.  Good on ya.

Wow, the girls are actually having a poker game?!  When was the last time this happened?  I’m sure they’re just bringing it back because it’s the last season, but it’s still awesome to see it again.  Gabby’s telling them about the sex (or lack thereof) with Carlos and wants to know how she can spice things up in the bedroom.  Lynette suggests porn.  Gabby’s all, “Watched one, filmed one, next.”  Hee!  Susan says that she and Mike like to do it in public.  Bree suggests role-playing, like the time she was in a French maid’s outfit and Orson pretended to be a stubborn stain.  Um, that just sounds confusing.  Did Bree mist him with Spray N’Wash?  Did she cover him in club soda and salt?  Because I hear that works.  Lynette says that she had a friend who hired a stripper to teach her how to give her husband a lap dance. Gabby says she’ll give it a whirl.  Susan says that maybe the problem is deeper than Carlos’s trip to Lake Flaccid, because the guilt he’s feeling can really mess with a person.  Susan tells them about what happened at the market and how she deserves to be punished and publicly humiliated.  Gabby says she’s crazy and Bree tells her not to bring attention to herself.  Gabby’s all:  “SO KNOCK IT OFF AND GET ME SOME MORE COFFEE!”  The girls stare at her and she’s all, “What, she said she liked to be yelled at.”  Hahahaha!

Bree’s staring at the letter again when Chuck surprises her for lunch.  Chuck is kind of annoying me now.  Bree says that she can’t have lunch because she has something to do and Chuck gets really aggravating and is all, Hey is it a secret, because if it’s a secret that would suck because secret’s suck and what’s going on is it a secret?!  Bree says that there’s nothing going on, she just has plans for the day.  Chuck says that’s good because suspicion may be useful as a cop but it’s not cool in a relationship.

Ben is watering his lawn in a shirt that really brings out the beefiness of his chest.  It would be a waste if we never got to see him shirtless.  You hear that ABC?!  Meanwhile, Renee knocks on the door of McCluskey’s house and says — loudly, so that Ben can hear — that she’s dropping off another “home-cooked” meal for her.  The meal consists of a $50 bill which is basically a bribe to make sure that McCluskey tells Ben about how Renee is such a wonderful friend to her.  McC says she’ll do it for a hundred.

Bree is at the prison, visiting Paul.  Poor Paul.  He’s spent more time in ugly jumpsuits than Carrie Bradshaw.  Bree’s brought the note to share with him.

“This is a really disappointing Mad Libs, Bree.”

Paul says that he didn’t write the note and is insulted that this is the only reason she came to visit him.  She apologizes and says that it has the same wording as Mary Alice’s letter.  Paul makes the understatement of the year by saying, “Yes.  That is weird.”  He says that Bree isn’t like Mary Alice because Mary Alice had something to hide . . . Bree lies and says that he’s right and they try to figure out who knew about the note:  Martha Huber (who, you know, died), Bree, Susan, Lynette, Gabby, none of whom Bree has told about the note.  Paul says that Bree needs to share it because if Mary Alice had, things may have turned out differently.

Susan is still on her punishment kick, putting trash in the recycling bin.  She tells the recycling guy, “Here I am.  Putting a turkey carcass in with the recycling.”  Recycling Dude:  “And here I am.  Not giving a crap.”  Hahaha!  Susan tries to smoke in a public building, but the security guard just asks if he can bum one.  She eats 19 free sample cookies when the sign says “Limit 2″ but the girl at the counter is all, “Thank god.  Those were from last week.”  I hate this silly plot of Susan’s, but this montage is very funny.  Say what you want, Teri Hatcher has comedic chops.  It’s a shame she’s not as close with the other actresses as they are with each other.  Well, at least I don’t think she is, based on photos and things that have been said in articles.

Last year:  Kidney failure.  This year:  Apparent surprise peanut allergy.

Ben knocks on Renee’s door and says he was talking to McCluskey and he apparently misjudged her.  Ben appears to have a slightly fuzzy chest which, on this show of sexy-yet-smooth-chested men, will be a nice change of pace, if ABC ever gives in to our demands to have Charles Mesure take his shirt off.

I guess he was in “V,” which I stupidly didn’t watch.  He is sadly smooth here, though.

Also, I honestly cannot think of any non-sexy Australian actors.  Anyway, he tells Renee that he works with seniors too and asks her to go out with him tonight.  From the music, I can tell that this won’t be any regular dinner.  He’s either taking her to a nursing home or to Cracker Barrel, since both of them have the same number of elderly people at any given time.

Lynette is still doing laundry.  It never, ever ends.  Lynette asks Parker what he wants for dinner, but Parker wants to go to a party at Rich Cohen’s house.  How.  Adorable.  Is Parker?  He was always the cutest boy during seasons 1-4 and now he’s the nice, sensitive, dorky-yet-oh-so-cute kid I would be paired up with for a biology project and have a hopeless crush on.  Also, how freaking bangin’ is Felicity Huffman’s body?  Girl is gorgeous.  I know that they always put Eva Longoria out there as the sexy one, but seriously — Huffman has got it.  Goin’.  On.  Lynette doesn’t like Rich’s parents, but it’s cool because they’ll be out of town!  Lynette’s not down with that.  But Rich’s older brother will be there!  Lynette puts the kibosh on that because he’ll just buy them beer.  Parker’s all, You’re saying no again!?  Just then, though, Tom pulls up and Lynette tells him to ask Tom.

Sidebar:  Don’t you think it’s odd that the kids aren’t even the slightest bit sad or pissed or concerned that their parents are separated?  This only proves that they themselves are sick of the pointless fighting and sniping and think that it’s probably for the best.  Which is sad, when you think about it.

Parker asks his dad if he can go to the party and Tom’s like, “What did your mom say?”  Lynette tells him that she told Parker to ask his dad.  He asks if Rich’s parents will be there (nope) and then Lynette says that it’s entirely up to him.  Tom’s all, Your mom seems to think it’ll be a bad idea, but Lynette says she totally hasn’t made up her mind.  Neither one of them wants to say no, so Parker ends up getting to go to the party.

Oh my dear sweet lord.

THIS is happening.

Well, we all knew it was going to happen sooner or later:  The first eye-roll inducing scene of the season.  Congrats, Gabby-Installs-A-Stripper-Pole-In-Her-Bedroom Scene.  You’ve won my disapproval.  Gabby asks the stripper lady if it’s safe and the stripper replies by saying her son plays “fireman” on hers all the time, so it’s cool.  Wow.  You install stripper poles in people’s houses and you allow your son to play on unsafe objects.  You’re so cool, stripper girl.  Turns out the girl was born in 1992.  Which makes her 19.  And if her son is old enough to play on her stripper pole, he’s gotta be, what?  2?  3?  So congrats on having a baby at 16, installing stripper poles in people’s houses, and allowing your son to play on the filthy, filthy, dirty sex pole.  She does this big routine and Gabby wants to try it, but the stripper tells her to maybe start with grinding on a chair.  Which begs the question:  If you wanted her to grind on a chair, then why the eff did you install a stripper pole in her bedroom?!  Geez.  Gabby still tries the advanced stuff and falls on her head.  But it’s cool, stripper girl says — in 6 months, she’ll be perfect.  But Carlos’s weiner doesn’t have 6 months, stripper girl!  So Gabby asks if she can hire her to be the “opening act” tonight.  Ew.

True to form, Ben brought Renee to a nursing home so they could serve food to the people.  Call me crazy, but shouldn’t the staff handle that?  Don’t volunteers usually read to the elderly or play cribbage with them or something?  Anyway, Renee’s not impressed.  First little people and now the elderly.  I’m sure if there was a 9th season, we’d probably find out that Renee has a deep-seeded hatred for, I don’t know, Lutherans or something.

Renee was not happy to hear that this is the nursing home where the remaining munchkins from The Wizard of Oz come to live out their remaining years.

Gabby’s blindfolded Carlos (which he doesn’t really like since he used to be blind.  Hee) and she sits him in a chair and lets Stripper Girl do her job.  Okay, the lady has a good five inches on Gabby and Carlos really did used to be blind and became accustomed to his other senses, so I don’t think this would work. In the real world.  It’ll totally work on this show, though.  Stripper Girl does her thing and Carlos says that Gabby’s been working out.  But I guess her intention isn’t to trick Carlos — THIS time — but to, I don’t know, include Stripper Girl in on the action.

“Gabby, have you always smelled like Beyonce’s Heat Rush and shame, or is that new?”

Also, doesn’t Beyonce’s Heat Rush perfume sound like a physical ailment?  “Oh, yeah, Brandon started out great in the marathon, but halfway through, he had to go to the hospital because he got heat rush.”  “Oh my god, will he be okay?!”  “He’s pretty out of it.  And his arm’s all messed up.”  “Oh no!”  “It’d been that way for a while, though.  The doctor was all, ‘I don’t like that, you should have put a sling on it.’”  Zing!

Stripper Girl’s name is, of f**king course, Dakota.  Gabby says the stripper is going to start things off and then she’ll leave, but Carlos isn’t down with that, so Dakota thinks grinding against Gabby will give Carlos the spicy weiner he needs.  But that doesn’t work either and Gabby lets it slip (hee) that she told Dakota about his problem and now Gabby’s woken the beast and Carlos is PISSED.  She totes wanted to help him get back to normal, but Carlos is “NEVER GETTING BACK TO NORMAL!!!!!!” Carlos says that what he did to Alejandro is with him always, even when he’s trying to slip the sausage to Gabby.  When making love to your wife gives you flashbacks of murder, I think it may be time to talk to an actual psychiatrist.  You know, so they can prescribe Lithium.

Back at the old folks’ home, Renee is still not happy about having to help the elderly.  While she’s bitching to some lady who doesn’t really look that old — making me think this isn’t a nursing home but some kind of soup kitchen, so I’m a little fuzzy on that — the lady says she thinks Ben is messing with Renee.  So she goes up to Ben and insults him.  Ben catches up with her and she says that they have nothing in common — he’s nice and she’s not, because doing charity makes her nauseous.  He says he’s uncomfortable too, but he knows why.  Does Renee know why she’s uncomfortable? Ben asks.

“When I was 10 an old man’s colostomy bag exploded on me when I was on the public bus and then he died and fell on top of me.  I don’t think that has anything to do with my fear of old people.  It’s just a really good story.”

Oooh, Renee doesn’t want to talk about it, and Ben’s all, Afraid of something truthful?  Oh, dip!  Renee says that when she was a kid her mom died and she went from one relative to another and they were all poor.  She spent a lot of time at places like the one they were at tonight and she hated it.  And also all her relatives were little people.  Okay, that last part’s not true.  Ben says that he knows what it’s like to “crawl your way out of something.”  That’s it, Ben’s the bad guy this season.  You know it, I know it, Cherry knows it (even though he’s too busy working on failed TV pilots to be involved in this season).

A cop pulls up behind Susan because she’s parked in a fire zone.  It must be said that she’s still in the car, which defeats the purpose since the cop will just tell her to drive away.  The cop says that if she promises not to do it again, he’ll let her go with a warning.  Of course, Susan says that she broke the law and there must be consequences.  But the cop is a new dad and shows Susan a photo of his daughter who is “wrapped up like the tastiest burrito in Fairview.”  It really creeps me out when people talk about babies like they’re food.  Susan rips up the photo and throws it on the ground.  The cop has a back-up photo.  He says that nothing can affect him now.  So she says that his daughter has “Dumbo ears” and kicks over his motorcycle, and the cop arrests her.

Mike is working on his lawnmower when Ben shows up and says that he has a problem and needs Mike’s help.

“Got it.  I’ll grab the lube, you grab the Trojans.”

*sigh*  If only . . .  Ben says that Mike is the problem — he can’t have Mike working for him since Mike isn’t bonded, because of his past troubles with the law.  Ben then gets really rude and says that Mike should be the guy he used to be because life is, I don’t know, better when you think like a criminal.  I don’t know why Mike doesn’t punch him in his rugged Aussie face, but then Ben says that even though he can’t get Mike bonded (hee), he can still totally use him (double hee).

Susan is at the police station, where apparently “a couple of hours in a cell with a drunk transvestite” has made her change her tune.  Susan called Carlos to pick her up.  He says that her actions don’t sound like her usual self.  She tells him about her hoping to get caught and tells Carlos that it helps for 5 minutes but then she feels guilty again.  Carlos says Gabby is pushing him to stuff it all down and move on and Susan says that can’t happen because things aren’t fine.  He says it’s nice to be able to talk about it and Susan agrees.  They go to get some coffee.  Oooh, what?  Will Carlos and Susan become closer and closer until they finally do it?!  Or at least kiss?!  I would welcome that.  I cannot believe that in 8 years none of these women have had an affair with another woman’s husband.  And no, I’m not counting Edie — I’m talking about the core four.  And yes, I know that Gabby kissed Tom once and Lynette kissed Carlos once, but that doesn’t count since it was just to prove a point.  See?  I know everything about this show.  Except last week, when Georgiababe schooled me on Xiao-Mei.  Rude.  Rudeness.  (Not really!)

Lynette’s at home, not folding laundry, waiting up for Parker to come home.  She finally calls his cell phone, but it’s on the ground.  Some douche-in-training named Toph (seriously) picks up the phone and says he doesn’t know where Parker is and then asks if Lynette wants to hook up with him.   And of course Lynette shows up at the party, looking for Parker, but she gets blocked by the narc patrol, who accuse her of being a narc.  In order to prove that she’s not, Lynette does a keg stand . . . just as Tom walks by.  Hee!  Tom says Parker called him to pick him up because he drank too much.  Which is pretty responsible for someone who has been drinking irresponsibly.  He’s in Tom’s car, covered in puke (gross), and then Tom blames Lynette for letting Parker go to the party.  Oh, hell no, Tom Scavo!  Lynette is rightly, “My fault?!”  Tom says she was testing him, Lynette says she was giving him a chance to be a good dad, and all the drunk kids are saying, “Dude, thank god those aren’t my parents ohmigod let’s get Doritos!”  Tom’s a jerk right now.  Again — what is the point of separating if they’re doing the same thing they always do and are having the same fights?

After Parker’s asleep, Tom says he shouldn’t have let him go, but saying yes is the only “move” he’s got.  Lynette asks if this is some kind of “game he’s trying to win.”  Tom talks about looking at the kids while they slept and even if they’d been shitheads and got into trouble all day long, he knew that things would turn out okay.  Now he can’t do that.  So the only thing he can do is say “yes” so that he can give them their best part of the week.  Lynette says it sucks that they get so excited to see their dad and part of her feels like she’s losing them to Tom.  My parents never divorced, but I’ve always thought that when parents split up, the kids hate the one they live with and love the one they don’t live with, until they grow up and it’s the opposite, and then they grow up more and love them equally.  At least according to ABC Family and Lifetime.  Lynette understands how Tom feels and says they need to stop worrying about who wins.

“Because I won.”  “Right.  Except I won.”  “Yeah, no, I won.”  “Um, I’m pretty sure I won.”  “I won.  So suck it.”  “I wo–”  “SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT!!!”

Bree shows the note to Gabby because she couldn’t keep it to herself any longer.  Gabby says that there’s no blackmail so until something happens, they should act like everything’s normal.  “Except I’m drinking a lot more.”  Hahahaha!  Oh, Gabby.  You’re so funny, I’ve almost forgotten about the doll.  ALMOST.  Bree wants to tell the others, but they decide that they can’t.  Gabby tells Bree to dump Chuck, but Bree says he makes her feel safe.  Gabby doesn’t care — she has to end it.  So  Bree goes home to end it.

She gets a little distracted, to be fair.

Chuck was just getting ready to shower so why doesn’t Bree join him?  Bree passes.

Because she’s an idiot.

Bree pulls Chuck’s badge out of his jacket and looks longingly at it. And then the phone rings.  It’s a collect call from Fairview Correctional Institution; Bree accepts the charges.  It’s Paul, who says he was thinking about who else might know about Mary Alice’s note.  Turns out when he confessed to murdering Martha Huber, he told the cops about the note.  And one of the cops was a tall guy with a last name like Vince or Pence or something.  Bree asks if it was Chuck Vance and Paul says that yeah, it was.  Chuck comes out of the shower and asks if Bree was about to break up with him.  Bree says that of course she wasn’t.  Oh dear.

Mary Alice talks about connections as Parker is disciplined, Renee feeds Ben a french fry, Susan and Carlos bond over coffee (oh yeah, something’s going to happen with that), and Chuck cuddles with a nervous Bree.

Here’s a leftover screengrab of Chuck appearing to spontaneously burst into song.

Remember when every freaking TV show did a damn musical episode and there was talk of a DH musical episode?  I’m glad that didn’t happen.

Here are your DH memories for the week!  Keep ‘em comin’ to dhtvgasm08@gmail.com so you can be entered for the drawing!  Also, a fan from Australia sent an email which brings up a point:  Being a typical selfish American I didn’t even consider what to do if someone from another country wins the drawings.  Can I just go to Canadian or U.K. Amazon and order something to be shipped?  And I know there’s no Amazon in Australia (which sucks, because it’s awesome), so I don’t know what to do.  Can I do online gift cards or something?  I could use some help on this one if anyone knows!

Desperate Housewives Misty, Water-Colored Memories:

Bioscotto — “My favorite moment of Desperate Housewives came just last season…and you mentioned it in your recap!  The clandestine friendship between Gabby and Bree was so awesome!  All the stolen glances, the furtive looks, the knowing smiles….it was pure TV gold!  And then that damned doll showed up…”

That was such a great part of the season.  At first I thought maybe it wasn’t really that great — it just *felt* great because the rest of the season was crap.  But that’s not the case.  Put that scene in any season (within the context, of course) and it would be just as wonderful, because of the great acting and direction of the scene.  One of my faves too.

RunLola — “I absolutely love the scene from Season 3 where Lynette, Gabi, and Susan get drunk on Lynette’s porch.  Such a well-acted scene and Lynette is so hilarious.
Gabi: “I still love Carlos.”
Lynette: “Yeah, he’s hot.”

Anyways, I found a youtube clip of the scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbfGGOkDFZM”

Another fantastic scene.  Season 3 would be my all-time favorite if they hadn’t had to solve the mystery earlier because of Marcia Cross’s pregnancy.  The last 7 or 8 episodes had no mystery at all — McC’s husband was in the freezer, but that only lasted an episode.  Anyway, this scene is one of the funniest scenes in DH history and really proves that the writing and story editing under Dahvi Waller and others was the golden age of the show.

??? (I didn’t get the TVGasm nickname, so tell me if it’s you!) — “I know its generic but my favorite DH memory DEFINITELY has to be the supermarket hostage in Bang, S3. Most certainly the best episode of the series IMO; reminds me why I still bother to watch this show still. Carolyn was a RIOT!!! That woman was so cray cray she had me at the edge of my seat the entire episode. And as always Felicity Huffman soared with those acting chops. Though Nora was a huge bitch, my heart sank when Carolyn shot her. Though it was really anti-climatic when the woman who’s son was in Carolyn’s Sunday School/Bible School was the one who offed her. RANDOM!!! Anywho, Bang is ALWAYS at the top of my DH playlist. Never gets old.”

“Bang” is one of the best episodes ever and certainly the best “disaster” episode of the show (it was also the first).  Everything about this episode is great — Carolyn, Nora being shot (not that her being shot was “good” but it was such a shock!), Lynette’s reaction to this, that moment between Tom and Susan in the parking lot, Bree making a crapload of hors deuvres for everyone.  An excellent combo of funny and tragic — which makes for the best kind of DH episode.

Georgiababe — “There are several, but the first one that comes to mind is the really, really sweet moment that passes between Bree and Rex, right before he’s going to have his pacemaker surgery. He’s afraid that he’s going to die, but Bree tells him that “the best is yet to come”. Marcia Cross and Steven Culp are both really brilliant in this scene, it’s one that gets me every single time.

The second one is again between Bree and Rex, when Bree comes into his motel room dressed only in a fur coat and lingerie. (And Marcia Cross looks HOT HOT HOT in that scene.) If you remember, Bree gets distracted by a burrito while Rex is kissing her (the cheese is going to fall onto the carpet) and Rex gets mad that she can’t leave it alone. Bree leaves in a huff and utters this line that cracks me up every time “Well, it’s obvious that you’ve never had to remove a cheese stain!”

The last two that come to mind are about Lynette and the brilliance that is Felicity Huffman. The first is in the soccer field (again, season 1) after Lynette has taken all those pills and her kids are going crazy. She is sobbing at the goal post about what a horrible mother she is and Bree and Susan comfort her. I love Felicity in this scene, she is so brilliant and real it just makes you feel so bad for her.

The very last one is the supermarket scene, when Lynette promises Nora that she’ll take care of Kayla. Nora dies and Lynette stands up and yells at Carolyn Bigsby and Felicity Huffman does this thing where she just casually wipes her chin with her hand, but of course her hands are bloody, so she’s crying and she’s got this smear of Nora’s blood on her chin and she’s amazing. I am just in awe of that women’s talent.

There are other funny moments (Nathan Fillion as Adam Mayfair, when he delivers Danielle’s baby dressed as Frankenstein) but those four are the ones that really stand out when I think of the shining moments of DH. You’ll notice that there is nothing after Season 4 and that most are from Season 1 which is, in my opinion, hands down the best season. Although Season 3 was pretty great and Seasons 2 and 4 (and even 6) weren’t terrible.”

I have to say, I like the first two scenes, but I don’t know if they are in my favorites, per se.  “Bang” was mentioned before and it’s a great episode and scene.  Love it.  But I have a very, very special place in my heart for the scene where Lynette has the dream about her kids freaking out while “The 59th Street Bridge Song” by Simon & Garfunkel plays.  And then Lynette freaks out, goes ape-poopy on her kids, and sees a vision of Mary Alice handing her the gun.  (Trivia: Originally, the dream called for Lynette to drive her kids into a lake, like Susan Smith, but ABC balked at this.  I personally like the scene they ended up airing.)  It was such a dark, dark place for the show to go and I love it for daring to go there.  And Felicity/Lynette at the soccer field is just heartbreaking.

??? (Again, didn’t get the TVGasm nickname, so let me know!) — “I have a memory  of every housewife.
For bree is would have to be in 1×23 when Bree is told that Rex had died
For Gabby, it would be in 2×20 when the police turn up to take away Lily away
For Susan, it would be in 2×06 when Susan is in the wedding dress and she breaks up with Mike
For Lynette, it would be in 4×04 when Lynette finds out that she doesnt have cancer know more
For Edie, It would be in 3×23 when she fakes hanging herself
For Katherine, It would be in 4×17, in the flashback discovering what happened to the original Dylan
For Renee, It would be in 7×04 when Keith and her are at the resturaunt and she gets freaked out by the dwarf Bree send in there
p.s I dont need a Dvd because i have all of them and because im in Australia”

First of all, my Aussie friend, I will figure something out for you if you win!  Second of all, I absolutely love the scene where Susan runs out to Mike with the wedding dress on (although I believe he broke up with her because she knew where Zach was and didn’t tell him).  It’s so heartbreaking to see Susan break down in a wedding dress and Teri Hatcher is great in that scene.  But what I really love is the very last shot of the episode — all the other housewives (and Susan’s mom!  Love her!) walking towards Susan, who is in the middle of the street, collapsed in the wedding dress.  I loved it when Lynette had cancer.  That sounds horrible, but it’s true.  It made her a little more human to me.  She seemed more in the moment and less focused on business and fighting with Tom.  And Edie.  Oh, Edie.  Poor, poor Edie.  Sometimes I’ll forget for a moment that she was ever on the show.  But I really miss her.  That last episode of Season 4 is one of my favorites.  Katherine/Dylan’s story arc was the very last dark, completely-mysterious-until-the-very-end mystery.  It was the last one that I couldn’t solve beforehand.  I really love Season 4 and I’m sad that it was cut short by the writer’s strike.  And while Vanessa Williams was completely underused last year, she had some good moments, including the one you just posted about.  I really liked her in last year’s finale — she had a great plot in that one.

Okay, folks, again, email me at dhtvgasm08@gmail.com with your favorite DH memories so you can be entered in the drawing!