Desperate Housewives Recap: Valen-Whines Day

Mary Alice says that being in love can bring out the worst in people.

Ya don’t say.

What an a-hole.  So I guess the hair stylist (Frank) from last episode is giving Lynette a second chance.  He thought she was a “crazy bitch” but now he’s going to re-think things, especially when Lynette suggests that they go back to her place for “dessert.”  And by “dessert,” she actually means “dessert,” which is upsetting to Frank’s wiener.  Lynette is all, It’s our second date and too soon for that.  Frank’s okay with this.  It’s not that Lynette doesn’t want to have sex eventually (“I love sex . . . I was a total whore in college.”  Hee!), but it’s just not her thing right now.  Credits.

Lynette is frustrated, so she calls the gals for a pow-wow.  Except for Bree, because it’s totally cool to hate her now.  But I don’t think it is!  And there’s no one cooler than me, so these ladies need to bury that hatchet right damn now.  Susan tells Lynette that she should take her time but Gabby of course wants her to fire up that diaphragm and take a ride on the Frank train.  Gabby:  “You don’t buy a car without giving it a test drive.”  Okay, 1.) I think she said exactly that to Bree in Season 2.  And 2.) I’m really, really sick of that metaphor.  Oooh!  Andrea Bowen is guest starring in this one!  Yay, Julie!  Dude, so is Kyle MacLachlan!  Yay!  Bree steps outside her house with another man and the girls instantly judge her, but god forbid they should intervene on Bree’s behalf.

“There are only 9 episodes left, maybe we should say something . . .” 

YES.  YOU SHOULD.  They all saw Bree with different guys.  Susan wonders if they should say something, but Lynette’s like, “After the way she treated us, uh-uh.”  I’m sorry, but WHAT.  THE.  F**K?!  Bree didn’t do ANYTHING to deserve this!  And why doesn’t anyone hate Susan?!  She’s stirred so much more shit than Bree!  I do not like this.  I do not like this at all.  Bree’s saying goodbye to the dude, who’s all, “Who are those women staring at us?”  Bree:  “Not anyone I know.”  Oh, dip.

Later –

CUPCAKES!

“OHMIGOD, WHAT?!  WHERE?!!?”

Slow down, Hanna.  You’ll get your own later.  Juannie Sue misses her dad.  So do I, but only if he has his shirt off.  Gabby told Juanita that Carlos is in Europe.  Oh, awesome, one more lie for Juanita to discuss with her therapist in 15 years.  Juanita’s making a special cupcake for a special boy named Ryan who is totally cool because he can dislocate his shoulder and make it look like “he was in a car accident.”  Snatch him up, Juannie Sue!

Susan bought a bunch of cereal at the grocery store, but since this is TV, they have weird names like, “Kids,” “Bits ‘n’ Pieces,” “Alpha-Bites,” “Smiley-O’s” and “Admiral Chew.”  She couldn’t remember what Julie’s favorite cereal is.  Which makes sense, since she can barely remember that she has a son named . . . R.J.?  No, that’s not right.  B.J.!  Yeah, B.J. sounds right.  Julie hasn’t been home for six months and she sounded kind of “blue” on the phone.  Then Julie shows up!  Yay!  And then:

Wow, she got fat.  And the fat is oddly proportioned on her body . . .

How does that happ — oh.  Oh, I get it.  She’s pregnant.  Oh, dear.  Also, Mike — take your shirt off.  Just leave it off for the rest of the season.  Susan is, to say the least, shocked.  Julie’s six months pregnant and she tells Susan that the guy isn’t really interested in “following through.”  Susan and Mike say they’ll be supportive and Julie can move back home and everything.  Susan wants to know if it’s a boy or a girl but Julie says it doesn’t matter.

“I don’t want to say what I’m going to do, but it rhymes with schmasmortion.”

Uh, a little late, Julie, maybe?  Also, does that cereal box say “Fudge Flakes?”  Because that’s a hilarious name for cereal.  Now don’t get your Planned Parenthood pants in a bunch — Julie’s giving the baby up for adoption (but we all know she’s going to end up wanting to keep it by the end of this season.  Or episode).  Susan doesn’t like that, but Julie says it’s not the right time or place for her to keep the baby and she’s already set up an appointment to meet a couple.  The couple wants to meet Susan too, to know about Julie’s background.  Right.  Because showing people you’re related to Susan Mayer will totally make them want your baby.  Susan is adamant that Julie not give her baby up, but she caves when Julie says that she needs her support.

Oh no, Juannie Sue comes home and says that her Valentine’s Day sucked, because Ryan scarfed the cupcake and didn’t give her a Valentine.  But she did get one that said, “Dear Juanita:  My parents are making me write this.  You smell like ham.”  HAHAHAHA!  Love it.  Juanita’s all, Why won’t Ryan like me, what’s wrong with me?  Awwww, Juanita, poor thing.  You smell like ham.  That’s what’s wrong with you.  Gabby tells Juanita to check her backpack again while she goes to the kitchen, grabs a Valentine, and writes “XOXO Ryan” on it.  With a Hershey’s kiss.  She then throws it on the ground to make Juanita think it fell out of her bag.  Now, that’s good parenting!  Juanita’s so excited that she’s going to call Ryan right now!

“This is the best day!  Unless this ends up blowing up in my face . . . But I bet it won’t, YAY!”

Don’t hold your breath, Hammie.  Gabby tells Juanita not to call Ryan because boys don’t like it when girls tell them they like them.  She tells Juanita that a good relationship doesn’t include talking.  At all.  That actually makes sense to me.

It’s dinner time at the Mayer House of Baby Abandonment and the couple who wants, nay, NEEDS the baby is raising glasses for a toast about how awesome the evening has been.  That is, until Susan sends Julie to get dessert so that she can lie about how Julie is so great now that she’s “back on her meds” due to her “mental illness” and how it runs in their family.  And how she has “jail tattoos.”  It’s probably due to the fact that Susan drank throughout her entire pregnancy, she says.  Afterwards, Julie is pissed off that her mom scared off the couple, but Susan spouts stupid crap about Julie changing her mind “once she’s held the baby in [her] arms.”  Shut up, Susan.  Shut up and support your damn daughter.  Susan’s all, I was a single mom and we had cereal for dinner and stayed in the same bed and talked.  Julie’s like, Um, I stayed in your bed because you were a depressed mess and wow it was totally awesome driving by dad’s house all the time and all that cereal we ate was because it was all I could make since you were too “sick” to cook dinner for me, so yeah — those were good times, a-hole.  That’s why, Julie says, I don’t want to have a baby on my own.  “I already raised a child:  You.”  Oh, SUH-NAP!  And true.

At school, Juanita’s giving Ryan the googly eyes and when he’s all, What the hell, Juanita’s like, Don’t talk.  Hee.  Ryan’s even more confused when Juanita talks about the “XOs” he sent her.  And then Juanita doesn’t really help things when she tries to kiss him.  And we flash cut to:

The principal’s office where Juanita’s in trouble for “sexual harassment.”  Ugh.  Schools these days.  Ryan “cried for 20 minutes,” apparently, after Juanita forced him to the ground and kissed him.

“He smells like ham now.  I hope you’re happy.”

The principal says that Gabby has to talk to Juanita, because if she makes the wrong move again, she’ll get expelled.

Bree is, of course, at a bar.  ‘Atta girl.  She’s got her eye on some poor schlub down at the other end of the bar so she sidles up to him and buys him a whiskey.  Okay, so, now for some reason I’m nervous that she’s eventually going to pick up the wrong guy and he’s going to murder her.

“Looking For Mr. Goodbar is my favorite movie!”

“Oh, that sounds like a whimsical farce!  Is it a funny movie?”

“Uhhhhhh sure.”

That movie is effed up, people.  And sadly, it’s not on DVD or even VHS (for less than $75), so I’m sorry you’re going to miss out on that effed-up-ness.  Anyway, this totally-not-going-to-murder-Bree-guy is named Jerry.  Jerry is a roofer.  Just like he was two nights ago . . . when Bree took him home.  Oh, OUCH.  Bree says she won’t forget him twice and she’d be willing to make it up to him, so why not go back to her place and do it?

Julie’s outside, sittin’ on the stoop, thinkin’ about stuff, and then Mike comes out for a heart-to-heart.  Julie says she was so angry at her mom that she couldn’t help saying what she said, but her mom doesn’t realize that she’s hurting too.  Mike says she does and all Susan has is love for her kids.  Well, maybe not M.J.  But for Julie, at least.

Gabby and Juanita are back home and Gabby tries to tell Juanita that Ryan doesn’t like her, like, like her like her, and then she admits to faking the Valentine.  Oh, shit, Juanita is NOT happy about this, because mommy lies a lot, especially about her dad being in Europe.  Juanita says she knows Carlos isn’t in gay Paree, because she’s not a baby anymore and can tell when her mom is lying.  Gabby says they need to have a talk.

Susan is passive-aggressively putting away Julie’s baby clothes.  Wait.  When did she take them out?  Does she just leave them lying around?  That’s creepy.  Julie tells Susan that she’s sorry and Susan says she’s the one who needs to apologize.  Yeah, you do, Susan.  TO EVERYBODY.  Susan’s sorry for being a shitty mom all the time sometimes.  She tells Julie that she’s the best thing in her life.  Julie says that it was a tough decision to make, but she’s made her decision:  She just wants to do what’s best for “her,” meaning her baby.  Yeah, it’s a girl.  I don’t know why they’re playing suspenseful music in the background and going out to commercial on that, but whatever.

After the break, Frank arrives for his date with Lynette.  Does he want “dessert?”  By which Lynette means “sex.”  Right now.  In the bedroom, Lynette turns out the light, but Frank wants it on.  Lynette agrees to candles, a bedside lamp, and the closet light on.

Then it’s the next day and Renee stops by.  Ah.  I’d forgotten about Vanessa Wiliams.  Sorry, Vanessa!  Lynette’s depressed and Renee finally pulls it out of her:  Lynette cried in the middle of sex.  Because she realized that her marriage was over and she’s starting to move on and it’s hard and sad — just like Frank.  Hey-oh!

“I once ate a five dollar foot long from Subway during sex . . . But that’s another story for another time . . .”

Renee tells Lynette that she’s faced it and now she can move on.  It’s like she told Bree when she took her out drinking — live life wildly.  Lynette’s like, “You took Bree out drinking?”  Renee’s all, “Why?  Is that bad?”  Oh, bullllllshit.  TONS of BULLSHIT.  Renee didn’t know that Bree was a recovering alcoholic?  BULL.  SHIT.  Even if there was never any specific dialogue about this between Renee and Bree on the show, there’s no way Renee wouldn’t know that.  They WENT TO A BAR TOGETHER LAST SEASON.  I refuse to accept this piece of plottage.  Refuse.  I will move on with the recap, but I am pissed.  Just FYI.

Gabby, Susan, and Lynette are talking about this.  Gabby asks if Renee didn’t know that Bree was an alcoholic and Lynette’s all, “Renee is not a detail person.”  Oh, okay, THAT fixes this plot hole (that’s sarcasm). Lynette says that it’s hard to stay mad at Bree (again, for what reason, exactly?) when she knows that she’s hurting.  Susan says she misses Bree and “us being us.”  FINALLY.  I will forgive the Renee-didn’t-know-Bree’s-an-alcoholic thing if you guys just stop fighting and get the f**k together, okay?  Okay.  Susan says that they need to put the past behind them and help Bree.

Bree’s dragging some guy back home (is it Jerry?  I don’t think so, but it could be), but she’s got other company:  Susan, Lynette, and Gabby are there for an intervention, because they can tell she’s been drinking and she’s been a big whore.  Bree’s like, Oh since you’re my good friends, it’s weird that you didn’t know that I checked into a motel and tried to shoot myself in my pretty little face, and — oh yeah! — you’re part of the reason why I wanted to do that.  Normally I’d think the person saying something like this is a spiteful, angry, sad person, but in this instance?  Love it.  Because it’s true.  Give ‘em hell, Bree!  Bree’s like, I was always the planner and provider, and that’s what I was that night we buried Alejandro, and then as soon as there was any sign of trouble, it was “MY FAULT” and then you just effing left me out in the cold!  WORD, BREE!  Word.  Gabby, Susan, and Lynette apologize for letting that happen and say they just want things back the way they were.  Bree:  “Well, I.  Don’t.”  Oh, dip!  I’m torn, you guys.  Because a part of me wants the girls reunited, but another part of me wants Gabby, Lynette, and Susan to suffer for being such horrible, wretched, ungrateful friends.  Because they deserve it.  Thoughts?  Should we do a poll?

Frank shows up at Lynette’s house with beer and pizza.  He calls it a “stealth date” because he figures that if there are no plans, then maybe there won’t be any pressure.  He understands that Lynette cried because she’d been with the same guy forever and he thinks Lynette is “sexy, smart, and funny,” so he’s willing to give her some time.  Lynette’s impressed and perhaps turned on.

“Mmmmmm I am so going to berate the shit out of you tonight.”

She is going to berate-rock Frank’s world!  They passionately kiss.  Oh, Frank.  Revel in it now, because you’ll be tossed aside like a Paris Hilton puppy in about 5 episodes.

Bree’s back at the bar.  ‘Atta girl.  Some dude in a flannel comes up to her and hits on her.  “I got a thing for redheads,” he says.  “Wanna see it?”  Ha!  I have never actually heard that one before.  Me likey.  Turns out the guy has heard about Bree’s reputation, but Bree’s having none of it.  For once.  The guy is all, Everyone here knows what you are, so let’s get to it.  Bree leaves, but she drops her keys in the parking lot.  And of course, Flannel D-Bag Guy picks them up and won’t give them back to Bree, unless she at least gives him a handy-j in the alley or something.  Bree says she wants her keys and for him to leave her alone.  He’s like, “I’m not good enough for the town pump?”  Oh, son, what?!  Hell no.  Only I can call Bree a whore, okay?  And then of course Bree slaps him, and then, of course, Flannel D-Bag picks her up and shoves her against a car and is all, “I play rough.”

And then, just when things look their darkest, a white knight on an aluminum and titanium steed shows up.

Orson threatens the dude, who, of course, doesn’t really care that much about not threatening the handicapped, so Orson breaks out a taser and zaps him.  He’s like a superhero without any superpowers whatsoever.  Apparently, the girls called him and said Bree was in trouble.  Bree says she’s made a mess of her life and then Orson says, “Don’t worry, dear.  The one thing you and I were always good at was cleaning things up.”  And I don’t know why, but that one sentence made me incredibly nostalgic about Orson and Bree in seasons 3 and 4, and how great their plots were, and how when they were together they really made a great team.  I miss that.

Mary Alice says that love can bring out the best in us.  Or, you know, crabs.

That’s it!  See you next week!

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