Desperate Housewives Recap: Whore D’oeuvres

Remember when I kept forgetting to do my recaps?  Because I sure the hell do.  I’m so sorry!  Let’s just get right into it.

Bree’s walking home with some hot older guy (I like the daddies, what can I say?) and Mary Alice is basically inferring that Bree is now a whore, which is true, since Bree sleeps with 4 guys during the montage alone.  Including Cameron Mathison, who is on some soap opera.  Also, I heard he’s a douche in real life.  I’ll include screen grabs for you people who like douches.

 

There.

He’s all, I didn’t know that we’d be having sex an hour after we met, and Bree’s like, Well I know what I want.  Do you want the clap, Bree?  Because you’ve probably got it.  Bree’s alarm goes off, because it’s 4am and no one likes a hot sexy guy to stay the night.  Well, whores don’t, I guess.

“But I really wanted to cuddle and talk about our feelings and discuss you taking me to the airport!”

Because Bree doesn’t want anyone seeing someone leaving her house in the morning, she kicks the dude out, even though he wants to see her again and wants her phone number.  Straight ladies, do tell:  Do guys like this exist in real life?  After an hour of good sex, if you kick them out, do they really want to date?  Because I’d think they’d be all, “Hell yeah, I can leave!”  Riddle me that, ladies.  Bree is insistent on not seeing the dude again.  And she gives him a muffin for the road.  I mean that literally.  I don’t want your slut muffins, Bree!  Credits.

Gabby’s decided to redecorate her house, mostly because there’s a big blood stain on her carpet.  She’s hired Lynette and Renee to do the interior design, so I guess the writers actually do remember that.  Which is great, now that we’ve all forgotten about it and moved on.

“I thought we were done with the interior design plot.”  “Shut up, shut up, Vanessa, it’s the last season, just go with it, okay?”

Gabby wants all the decorating done in a couple weeks for when Carlos gets back from rehab.  Lynette says that since Tom’s in Paris having le sex, she’s all ready to get out there and berate another man.  Yay!  So do Renee and Gabby have someone in mind for her?  Nope.  Because Lynette is “unique” and “feisty” and “original.”  And “basically a bitch.”  So, you can see that their hands are tied.  Lynette thinks there are guys out there who find her personality appealing.

One.  There is one guy who finds your personality appealing, Lynette.  ONE.

Appealing?  More like appalling!  AHAHAHAHA!  Oh, I’m so high-brow.  Anysnooches, Bree wakes up with another sexy silver fox in her bed.

Nice.

Who is the casting director for this show and how can I kill him or her to get the job?  That’s what I want to know.  Mr. Silver Fox shut off the alarm, so now Bree is screwed because someone’s at the door.  Who is it?  McCluskey.  And she is livid!  Because someone else is making lemon bars for the women’s auxiliary bake sale.  This is the most suspenseful plot in the history of Desperate Housewives.  Will McCluskey be able to make lemon bars or not?!  Pins and needles.  Mr. Silver Daddy starts to come downstairs in his underwear and shirt and Bree tries to subtly tell him to get dressed without letting McC know there’s a half-naked man in her house, but McC sees his reflection in a mirror (or something).  Bree says he’s a friend, but McC doesn’t believe it, because she’s seen all sorts of sexy honky ass coming in and out of Bree’s house the past few days.  Bree says she’s fine.  McC sees a couple empty wine glasses and is like, Well, whatever you say . . . WHORE.

Back at Ben’s house (which I thought was Mike’s for a second, because it actually used to belong to him), Ben has a surprise for Renee.

Renee was initially not impressed by the life-size sculpture of Crocodile Dundee made out of empty Foster’s cans.

Ben is getting rid of some big-ass stuffed marlin or something, because Renee hates it and he wants to be in a relationship with her, maybe, so she should come to dinner with him, possibly, to find out more, we’ll see.  Renee goes upstairs to get comfortable, while Ben gets a phone call about money.  Specifically, the lack of it and the fact that he’ll get more.  Somehow . . .

Back at The Bite You In the Ass Dinner Theatre, starring Susan Delfino, Claudia arrives at Susan’s house to yell at her for . . . you know, being Susan-y.  Claudia calls for Ramon and Susan’s like, How’d you find me?  Claudia’s all, “Your address was on the check, genius.”  Susan:  “You seem stressed.  Do you want some herbal tea?”  Hee.  Susan tells Claudia that Ramon isn’t there and she isn’t sleeping with him, but Claudia doesn’t believe her, so she’s about to slap the shit out of Susan with a flower vase when M.J. shows up.

“Who the f**k is that?”  “I think . . . I think he’s one of the Scavo kids . . . maybe?”

Renee and Lynette are gettin’ their hair did.  Or, rather, Renee is confirming an appointment with Frank.  Who is (wait for it, wait for it) a straight hair dresser.  He hits on Lynette, because she has great hair, which is totally the first thing straight guys notice and compliment.

“Ohmigod, girl!  Your hair is so shiny and bouncy and fabulous!  It makes me want to stick my penis in your vagina, like, repeatedly or some junk!  LOLZ!”

I think not, people.  But if DH insists on going with this straight hair dresser ruse, then I will go along with it . . . and constantly make inappropriate and perhaps offensive jokes about it.  Blah blah blah hair blah leave-in conditioner blah Redken blah flirting blah.  Lynette pulls Renee aside and tells her that she really wants to go out with Not-Gay Frank.  Renee is hesitant (because he’s most likely allergic to vagina), but when Lynette breaks out the annoying baby-talk, she concedes.  Also, the guy who played Frank also played Hank Landry on Veronica Mars, which makes me miss that show all over again because it kicked major, major ass.

Susan greets the morning with a walk to the latest edition of the Fairview newspaper.  It seems there’s an insert today.

“Huh.  This is a weird Sears coupon . . .”

I.  LOVE.  This little poster.  LOVE.  I want to make it my wallpaper.  I seriously laughed ever so hard at it the first time I watched this episode.  I just find it so hilarious.  Kudos to whoever thought this one up and I really hope that Teri Hatcher kept one, because if I were her, I’d freaking frame it and put it on my wall.  That’s how much I love it.  Turns out, that little poster is plastered all over the neighborhood.  Gabby’s out walking her kids to the school bus (um, so I guess you don’t have to drive them and drop them off in Parking Lot C any more, eh?  They could have taken the bus THAT ENTIRE TIME?  Lame.) and sees the flyers and tells them to go ahead.  Gabby catches up with Susan and while the two of them snatch them up ASAP, Susan tells Gabby what she did and how much she effed everything up.

“You’re such an idiot!  I hate you so much, Susan!  But not as much as I hate Bree, for some reason.  Even though I obviously SHOULD hate you infinitely more.  Just wanted to make that clear.”

Susan tells her about Marissa, and Gabby’s all, Molest-y WHAAA?!  Gabby says that if Susan calls Claudia, she’ll tell her about Alejandro/Ramon and take care of the situation.

Lynette and Frank-ly NotStraight are at a romantic restaurant, and within 30 seconds, Frank-lin Blows-a-velt brings up his ex.  And it’s a woman.  Fine, I’ll go with it.  Apparently “she” was a real brow-beater, always trying to make him open his own salon and berating him about not doing it.  Lynette’s like, Maybe she was just helping and was trying to be “motivational.”  Frank-ie Says Relax is all, Ah so you agree with her, then.  Lynette’s all, Well you should open your own salon because you’d be a failure if you didn’t (basically).  (Barney) Frank says he likes cutting hair and he’s happy.  Lynette says that’s all that matters.

“I’ve also always wanted to buy my own pizza place, then sell it and buy an R.V. with the money.”

“Ohhhhhhhhh shit . . .”

Bree’s hitting on some guy at the dive bar, and . . . I don’t want to be any more judgmental than I have to be, but the actor who’s playing the guy is clearly (CLEARLY) gay and clearly (CLEARLY) uncomfortable with the touch of a woman.  He also doesn’t have any lines.  No S.A.G. card for you, my gay friend!  Oh, and then Bree’s minister shows up to shame her.  Now, normally I’d have a problem with this because I’m all about living and letting live and christian shame is a horrible thing.  But since absolutely NO ONE seems to give a shit about Bree’s downward spiral, I’m just glad someone is taking an interest.  Well, I guess McCluskey cares, because she told the good reverend about Bree.  But I’d rather have McC coming down to the bar, dragging Bree out by the hair, and hosing her down in her driveway.  The Rev is like, So you’re drinking and fornicating, that’s great, Bree.  He says he’s there to keep Bree from slipping further.  He says that Bree has always been the modicum of decency, so it’s just a temporary lapse that she needs to be helped through so she can get back to who she really is.  Bree, for some reason, is offended, and says that no one knows who she is, not even herself, so she needs to find herself in a dive bar while picking up obviously gay men.  The Rev says that if Bree continues to be a drunk whore, then she can’t lead the women’s  auxiliary any more.  Bree says the bake sale would be a disaster without her, but the Rev doesn’t back down.  But what about the lemon squares?  THE LEMON SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRES!!!!

Back at The Berating Buffet, Lynette is actually going over a freaking business plan for Frank-N-Furter’s hypothetical salon that he should open because otherwise he’ll be a nobody that no woman will want to have sex with ever.  Which is probably just fine with him.  He rejects Lynette’s five-year plan because, “You know who else had a five-year plan?  Stalin.”  But I doubt Stalin looked as pretty as Lynette in that dress.

Then again, I don’t know much about Stalin.

Frank wants the salmon, but Lynette calls the salmon an “adequate” and “average” choice and ends up insulting Frank again.  Lynette!  You’re going to put him off women forever!  You know, again.

So Renee goes to get her haircut and Frank is pissed about the date, so he does this to Renee:

“‘Sup. You order a Blaxploitation-Gram, bitch?”

Renee’s pissed at Lynette for being a bad date and causing Frank to make her ghetto un-fabulous.  She tells Lynette that Frank likes who he is and it’s not Lynette’s job to try to change him.  Lynette says that she won’t apologize and Renee’s like, So it’s his fault that you tried to control him, just like it was Tom’s?  Ding ding ding!

Later, Renee is over at Ben’s for some champagne.  And I haven’t noticed it until now, but who keeps saying that Ben is all Botox-y?  Because I’m on the same page now.  I’m totally with you.  Anyway, Ben makes a romantic toast to Renee and then says he has some news for her.  And this news comes in a teeny velvet box.  Yes, that’s right:  Ben freaking proposes to Renee.  Renee says it’s fast, but she’ll marry him.  What?!  I am so not on board with this.  Too soon, DH writers!  Ben says that Renee makes him happy and then Renee gives this long, boring speech about how she didn’t trust anyone any more because of her divorce, until she met Ben, and now she feels safe with him and crap.  And then, Ben says he can’t do it and takes back the engagement.  What?  What’s going on?  They’re condensing like four episodes of plot into 30 seconds.  Don’t get me wrong — this whole Ben-is-a-golddigger stuff is hella stupid, but, if this were happening 2 or 3 seasons ago, they’d drag this shit out until we absolutely hated the plot and possibly the show (*cough* Gabby’s doll *cough*).  Whatever.  Ben spills the vegemite beans and says that he’s been having money problems and he thought that he could marry Renee and make it all go away.  But he can’t go through with it. He says he still loves Renee, but Renee ain’t having it.

Susan shows up at Gabby’s house with Claudia in tow.  Gabby pulls Claudia inside for a fun chat about molestation and death (and maybe some coffee cake!) while Susan stays outside.  Some construction dude asks about a red stain on the floor and Gabby says it’s a red wine stain from a broken bottle.  This seems asinine, but I’m sure it will be important later.  Or not.  I don’t care.  Claudia wants to know where Ramon is and Gabby tells her that his name is Alejandro and blah blah blah he abused me blah blah blah.

Outside, Susan sees Senorita Gilmore (Marissa) in her car and asks her if she’s told her mom about the abuse yet.  She hasn’t.  Susan says she has a friend who went through it and keeping the secret made it worse.

Back in the kitchen, Gabby tells Claudia about how she went back to her town, told everyone that Alejandro molested her, and that’s why he came back for her.  Claudia doesn’t believe her and starts yelling for Gabby to shut up.  And then Marissa comes in and says that it’s true and it happened to her too, and then I start feeling things and it just gets too real for me.  AAAAA!  Heartfelt Latina moment!  Mucho emotions!  Grande mucho emotion-itas!

Lynette goes over to Renee’s to ‘pologize for being, you know, herself.  She says that she thought Tom needed her to push him, but that’s maybe not the case.  Welllll, it kind of is, actually.  A little, at least.  Lynette recognizes the behavior and that’s the first sign that she wants to improve.  Renee tells Lynette that when Lynette did yoga she was a better person.  What?  Where did that come from?  Okay, then.  Lynette wants to change, and anything can happen — just look at Renee and Ben.  Except, oh shit, Renee and Ben broke up.

Speaking of Ben, he gets into the shady mafia’s guy’s car.  Say what you want about the mafia — at least they make house calls.  The mafia guy sees Mike and is all, So that’s where the tough guy lives, huh?  And we see Mike getting stuff out of his truck, and that’s it.  No lines.  No shirtless time.  The mafia guy tells Ben not to miss payments and if things don’t work out, Ben’s got a rich girlfriend he can get money from.  Ben tells him to leave her alone, leave her alone, dammit!

That night, Claudia and Marissa show up to tell Gabby goodbye.  When Claudia and Gabby are alone, Claudia thanks Gabby for telling her how much of a monster Alejandro/Ramon was.  Claudia spies the “wine-stained” carpet and is all, “You said that stain was wine?  You should probably get rid of that.”

“Or use club soda and salt.  I don’t care.  I have a plane to catch, puta.”

In the morning, Bree comes out in her bathrobe to get the paper, and she spies McC walking down the street with her lemon squares.  And Bree’s all, It is ON, bitch!  She breaks out some eggs and flour and strawberries and shit (and wine — a crap-ton of wine, obvs) and makes some tart thingy, which she then brings to the auxiliary event.

Ladies and gentlemen — the world’s most highly functional alcoholic.

After Dina Lohan, of course.  The Rev comes up and tells Bree that he told everyone she wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t attend.  Bree’s like, I’m better now, and “every bake sale needs . . . a tart.”  Oh, geez.  The Rev tells Bree that he can tell she’s been drinking, probably because she smells like a walking Franzia factory, so she should go home before she embarrasses herself.  Oh, and it turns out Greg (Cameron Mathison) is there.  He just joined the church.  But Bree wants him to join her.  At the bar.  And in her vagina.  She’s very vocal about this, which doesn’t sit well with Greg’s wife.  Now, the normal Bree reaction would be complete, mortifying, devastating embarrassment, but season 8 Bree don’t go for that shit.  No, even when Bree is called out (loudly) by wifey for “SCREWING MY HUSBAND!” Bree tells the Rev that wifey is causing a scene (and her cupcakes are dry.  Me-ow!).  Wifey calls Bree a “whore” and when McC tries to defend her, Bree says that wifey is probably right, and then that bitch owns her whore-ish-ness, and walks right on out of the church, proclaiming that she needs a drink.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go home and sew scarlet ‘A’s’ into my Land’s End jeans.”

Mary Alice blahs about changes and unpleasant memories and breaking up and preparing for new things.  And Bree’s new thing?  Being the local whore.

“I’m sorry, did you just call for me?”

No, Edie.  Sadly, no.

So, next week ABC is running a movie that (I shit you not) is about some inspiring teacher bringing chubby, mentally-challenged kids to space camp.  And I shit you not when I give you the title:  “A Smile As Big As the Moon.”  It stars John Corbett, of course.  So, DH won’t be on next Sunday, nor the Sunday after that, because I hear there’s some football thingy on.  So I’ll see y’all in a couple weeks!

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