Desperate Housewives Recap

I hope you all had a good Halloween!  Did you notice that practically no one takes their kids house-to-house any more?  It’s all about going to the mall or to a church, where Jesus weeps as the pastor hands out SweeTarts to children who are clearly worshipping Satan.  Anyway, if you still need a dose of something Halloweeny, I’ve got you covered.  So prepare yourself for thrills, chills, spills, and something else that may rhyme with those words.

Someone’s running through the woods!  It’s Bree!  Mary Alice talks about paranoia — “the irrational fear that someone is after you.”  I don’t think that’s really the definition, Mary Alice.  But fine, fine, you’re dead, we’ll go with it.  Oh!  Gabby’s running in the woods too!

“I can’t die, I have children to raise!  Juanita and . . . Um . . . Rebecca?  No, that’s not — Kathy!  It’s Kath — No . . . Lacey . . . ?  Oh, f**k it, I’d rather just die.”

Lynette’s running too!  Everyone’s running from someone with a flashlight!  It’s like every episode of Pretty Little Liars!

“Then where are the cupcakes, Hypnotoad?  Hmm?  WHERE.  ARE.  THE CUPCAKES?!?!”

Settle down, Hanna.  Geez.  I wasn’t being literal.  Oh no, all the gals have separated!  And then Bree discovers something horrifying in the woods:

“Got any blow?”

Not really.  Bree’s discovered . . . They don’t show us!  What has she discovered?!  Credits.

Susan’s going back to her cute little art class as Mary Alice says that Susan was always a good student because she was a brown-noser, teacher’s pet, and probably a slut.  I’m not kidding.  They insinuate she either flirted with a teacher for a grade or slept with him.  So this episode is EXACTLY like Pretty Little Liars!    Anyway, Suze hands her sexy professor Andre a Halloween cupcake with candy corn on it (barf), and he promptly throws it away in front of her.  Ohmigod, Pretty Little Liars cupcake what?!

“(Muffled) That’s more like it, bitches!  Mmff . . . Mmff . . .  Holla!  Mmff . . . OHMIGODSOGOOD!”

Easy, Hanna.  There are plenty of cupcakes to go around.  Andre then announces to the class that today is the day that he picks his intern!  Oooooh!  Pins and needles, people!  Pins.  And.  Needles!  Andre says that the position is based on talent and experience and for some reason?  He chooses Susan to be his intern.  Why?  Why exactly?  Hmmmm?  I do ever so hope that the reason becomes clear and he has no ulterior motive.  Actually, I do hope he has an ulterior motive, because watching Susan staple papers and go to the art supply store would be really boring.

Carlos is at home drinking coffee.  Coffee, Carlos? . . . OR ZIMA?!  No, it’s just coffee  — Gabby tastes it when Carlos’s face is buried in his paper.  Gabby talks about how she was so scared when Carlos got drunk and date-raped the folding chairs at the P.T.A. thing last week and Carlos is like, That scared me too and I’m not an alcoholic!  I agree with that.  One or two days of drinking doesn’t make you an alcoholic.  It makes you a binge drinker.  And there’s nothing wrong with that, kids.  Gabby wants him to go to an AA meeting and Carlos agrees, probably just to make Gabby shut her yap.

Lynette is either putting fake cobwebs on the outside of her house or cleaning it, I don’t know.  It’s the Scavo house — anything goes.  Tom pulls up with Penny . . . and Jane (Tom’s girlfriend).  Uh ohsies!  Penny wants to be a swan for Halloween and Jane’s going to make the costume!  Yaaaaaaaaayyy oh shit.  Lynette ain’t happy with that.  Turns out Jane did fashion design in Paris.  Before becoming a doctor.  Yeah, I hate her now too, Lynette.  Lynette’s like, I already started Penny’s costume so don’t worry about it, skank.  Jane says that that’s actually great, since she already started on a bunch of costumes for the kids in the cancer ward.  Wow, what a bitch.

Bree is over at Gabby’s to tell her about the news about Ben’s development.  Juanita comes in to ask her mom to fix her costume.  She’s a fried egg.  “Celia’s going as bacon . . . This works a lot better when we’re together.”  Hee!  I am going to miss Juanita!  I hope someone gets that Madison De La Garza some kind of contract because she.  Is.  Hilarious!  Seeing that Juanita isn’t going anywhere, Bree says that she was telling Gabby a scary story about 4 witches who buried a monster in the woods and then a real estate developer came along and wanted to build a condo right over the monster’s body!  Gabby tells Bree that “the witch” might want to do everything she can to stop the evil real estate developer.  Then she hugs Juanita and looks like she’s about to break into song.

“I dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyy . . . When hope was high!  And life . . . worth liviiiiiiiiiiinnnnng.”

I hate that that stupid Susan Boyle ho has ruined that song for me.  Skank.  Ben goes over Renee’s Gumdrop Skittle Grape-Fanta House to talk to her. Seriously, her house is freaking tacky.  He apologizes for being M.I.A. for the past couple weeks but he’s been working a lot.   His mea culpa is that he’ll cook dinner at his place for just the two of them.  Anyone else think that Ben is phenomenal in bed?  I bet he totally takes charge.  That’s hot.  Renee makes him beg for a date with her, “on your knees, soldier.”  Lame.  Ben, for unknown reasons, does this.

Susan is, of course, way too excited to be Andre’s intern.  However, it becomes all too clear why he chose her:  Andre has a son named Jasper (after Jasper Johns, get it?  Yeah, I think it’s stupid too.) and he’ll just leave Jasper with Susan for the weekend while he and I take the Jitney to his Hamptons house where we’ll drink Busch Light by the fire and make out.  Actually, he’s not going anywhere for the weekend, he just wants to paint.  Rude.  Rudeness.  Rudy Huxtable.  After Andre leaves, Jasper tells Susan that he’s reading a book about nuclear weapons.  Oooooooh, pretentious!  And boring.

Ah.  Time for the Vanessa-Williams-Is-Contractually-Obligated-To-Interact-With-At-Least-One-Housewife-A-Week scene!  She goes over to Lynette’s house.  Where’s Renee’s wine?  Disappointing.  Lynette is sewing like a madwoman.  You know what would help with that, Lynette?  A little A.D.D. medication.  It worked so well the first time, didn’t it?  Renee shows up to talk about how she’s going to have sex with Ben but she’s nervous because there’s a lot of build up and she likes him a lot, so she wants her first time to be great.  So, she bought some “Woman Love Fluid” in Chinatown.  First of all, Fairview has a Chinatown?

I’m sorry, Fairview — One sad Chinese restaurant in an even sadder strip mall does not a Chinatown make.

Second of all, this can only mean one thing:  Shenanigans!  Lynette explains that she’s in a hurry to make a costume since Jane was all, I’ll make the elaborate costume because I’m the better mommy!  Renee tells her not to sweat it because she has a friend in NYC who is a costume designer with 3 Tonys and he’ll totes make her a costume for Penny.  Um, sure.  In like 2 days.  And he’ll ship it to her.  Sure.  I guess he’s a big cokehead.  “That’s great, that means he’ll do it fast, too!”  Lynette says.  Hee.  It’s at least 3 days before Halloween.  I kind of don’t think this is possible.  But let’s go with it, since it’s the last season.  Didn’t Lynette used to have a baby?  And twins?  Where the hell are the twins?  They should show up for a couple eps.

Carlos arrives just in time for the AA meeting . . . to end.  Did you guys see that episode of Will & Grace where Grace kept going to AA because they had free doughnuts and it was “free therapy?”  Because that’s one of the best episodes ever.  I miss that show.  A freaking lot.  Even though the finale sucked big time.

What was I talking about?  Right.  Cupcakes.  Wait.  No.  Ah.  Yes.  I was recapping.  The guy in charge of AA is like, Talk to me, man, let’s rap, let’s sit on our folding chairs backwards and just, like, talk about life and stuff, let’s get deep, man.  Carlos tells him that he drank too much the other night and doesn’t remember much and he totes doesn’t usually drink that much, but he’s been drinking a lot for the past two months.  The AA guy is like, So what happened a couple months ago and Carlos is like NOTHING HAPPENED, STOP TALKING, HARPY!  He gets up to leave because THERE IS NO REASON WHY HE STARTED DRINKING HEAVILY AND MOLESTED POOR INNOCENT FOLDING CHAIRS AT A PTA FUNCTION!!  But the guy gives him his card, which Carlos throws away on his way out.

Bree grabs a couple eggs out of her fridge.  Is she making a frittata or some stupid French bouche-y cake?  Nope.  She’s throwing those bad boys at Ben’s house.  Que?  Qui?  Donde?  She then runs up to Ben’s house and knocks on the door.  Pourquoi?  Merde?  She’s all, Some “miscreants” were throwing eggs out your house and they were disparaging real estate developers and using “anti-Australian slurs!”  Hee.  Ben’s like, What’s an “anti-Australian slur?”  Bree says she can’t repeat it.  So suck it, you stupid Vegemite . . . eater!  You . . . Foster’s guzzling kangaroo haver!  I don’t know.  Bree says there’s a lot of opposition to the project and as his “liaison,” she thinks he should stop it.  She also pronounces “liaison” with the French pronunciation which makes me want to punch her in the boob.  Ben says he’s already put too much money in it and had to move it from Hawkins Lake — turns out some eco-nuts found out that there were endangered frogs there so they couldn’t build.  And, it’s hard to build a condo on top of a lake.  Duh.  Bree’s like, Oh hmmm when’s the environmental study for the new area?  It’s tomorrow.  Oh, dip!

So now Bree is looking for some frogs down at the lake to take to Ben’s site so that he won’t be able to build.  And of course she brought the most useless person to help her with this task.  And of course said person is wearing a completely inappropriate outfit for frog hunting.

Dolce & Gabbana’s new Eco-Sense-Sational! Line.

Honestly, what part of “Let’s go to the lake” suggests that kind of outfit?  Bree asks why Carlos isn’t helping them — Gabby hasn’t told him about the development since he’s busy . . . with peach Schnapp’s!  Gabby tells her about AA and how Carlos has found a good sponsor (lies!).  And just then, there’s a frog by Gabby’s foot, but Gabby runs away, losing the frog in the process.

Over at Susan’s house, Susan asks Jasper if he wants to play video games or carve a jack-o-lantern.  And just when I’m thinking this:  “Damn, Susan, shouldn’t you be paying that much attention to your own f**king kid?” M.J. comes down in a robot costume and says in a robotic voice:  “I am CandyBot 3000.  Please.  Give.  Candy.”  And then Susan does this lame robot voice:  “I am MomBot 3000.  Costume approved.”  Jasper says they’re stupid and Susan’s all, “Your insult does not compute.”  Hee!  You know, this should be really dumb, but I’m finding Susan’s robot voice and actions incredibly sweet and hilarious.  Game on, Hatcher!  Well played!  I also think the kid who plays M.J. is genuinely laughing with Teri as well, so that just adds to the sweetness.  Jasper freaks out and is all, “Nobody cares about being a dumb robot!”  Well, young man, you will change your tune when the Robot Overlords take control of the planet in 2015 (it’s totally happening people.  All the signs are there.).  Susan meets Jasper on the porch where he says he hates Halloween and Susan’s like, You get to dress up and get free candy — It’s the best day of the year!  Oh, I don’t know, Suze.  Arbor Day kind of kicks ass.  Kind of REALLY kicks ass!

Jasper — who is paler than Casper, by the way — is all, “Halloween is for kids.”  And Susan’s all, What the hell do you think YOU are, some sort of legume?!  No, Jasper.  You are a kid.  Who deserves free candy.  Susan says she’ll get Andre to go trick-or-treating with them.

Cut to Andre giving her an emphatic no in his classroom.  All he cares about is his painting, which isn’t done, so she shouldn’t look at it, especially not while he’s out for a smoke.  Uh-oh, Suzy-Q!  Don’t you go stealin’ that purty picture now!  (She totally does.)

“‘Not done?’  He hasn’t even started it yet!  It’s just a blank canvas with a piece of wood in the midd — Oh hahahaha!  I’m looking at it backwards.  I’m such a dumbass!  Hahahaha!  Ohhhh, we have fun, don’t we?”

Sometimes.  Sometimes we have fun, Susan.  Gabby’s driving Bree and herself back to town and she wonders why the frogs in the box aren’t making any sound.  I guess they found some endangered frogs, then.  Bree opens the box and, of course, a frog jumps out and lands on Gabby.  To be fair, he’s a very cute frog.  But Gabby doesn’t seem to care.  Poor frog.

“Oh, sure, lady — you smile when you eat our tasty legs, but you scream when we jump on you and pee all over your arm.  Uppity bitch.”

Gabby’s freaking out and driving all over the road.  Also, she kills the frog when it gets under the brake pedal.  Also, when they pull over, all the other frogs escape.  Well, so much for that ludicrous and hastily-thrown together plan.  Next!  When they get back to the lane, Gabby is still freaking out.  But Bree says that they can still go the woods and dig up the body and put it somewhere else.  Nothing says “bonding” like digging up a months old dead body!  That’s actually our family motto — it’s cross-stitched onto a throw pillow on my parents’ couch.

Penny is all made up to look like a cat.  There’s just one problem — her mom “isn’t done” with the “costume” that she “made” on this “show.”  She’s calling for the tracking info, but just then the delivery guy arrives.  Lynette’s on the second floor and tells him to throw it up to her.  She catches it and grabs it just in time to hand to Penny.  Yay!  Halloween!  Penny goes to try it on.

Susan and Andre are walking down the street with their sons; Susan has blackmailed Andre by holding his painting hostage until he spends time with Jasper.  Susan is dressed up as the good witch from The Wizard of Oz.  And, of course, since this is a TV show, there are literally 430 kids running around the street, trick-or-treating, nary a care in the world for a car driven by a drunk, gay, teenager or a toy-train collecting pedophile or a kleptomanic or a crashing plane or a halfway house-induced riot or an escaped mentally handicapped man who pushes people down the stairs.  It’s Wisteria Lane!  If I had a kid who wanted to go trick-or-treating in Fairview, here’s how the conversation would go:

SON:  “I want to go trick-or-treating, dad!”
ME:  “Sure, son!”
SON:  “On Wisteria Lane!”
ME:  “Oh, f**k that, kid!  Hell no!  I want you to live, son!  I WANT YOU TO LIVE!”
(ME shakes SON, hugs him, and begins crying hysterically until SON slaps him repeatedly, finally giving up when it’s clear ME has gone over the edge.)
END SCENE

Gripping, gripping stuff.  Jasper offers some candy to his dad, but Andre doesn’t want any, instead offering him 20 bucks if they can go home.  Which I would have taken if I were Jasper.  Jasper also calls his dad “Andre.”  Jasper and M.J. run off to do some more trick-or-treating or get held at gunpoint by a 17 year-old kid, whichever happens first on this street.  Susan of course tells Andre how to parent, telling him that he needs to pay attention to his son because “he’s not a painting, he’s a person.”  Ugh, blargh.  Susan’s like, You’re a jerk and I don’t like you and your painting is in my garage so go have fun with that while I pay attention to your son.  Jerk.

Jane and Tom show up at Lynette’s house.  Seems like Jane is coming along with them on their trick-or-treating jaunt.  Whoa, Jane, too soon, too soon.  I don’t really understand why Tom thinks this it’s cool to bring Jane everywhere, because I don’t think it is.  Tom and Lynette are separated, but they’re still married, and while I think it’s okay that he’s “dating,” it’s just confusing and downright mean of him to flaunt this in Lynette’s face, no matter how okay with it she says she is.  You know what?  I’m on Team Lynette.  From this episode on, until she and Tom inevitably reunite and have that second wedding that is also inevitable, I’m on Lynette’s side.

Penny comes down in Lynette’s “homemade” “costume,” and it’s really slutty.

Wow, thanks, ABC!  Signed, EVERY PEDOPHILE IN AMERICA.

Totes inappropes.  And the costume comes with a whip.  “Just . . . in case she’s attacked by dogs!” says Lynette.  Hee!  Jane is all, Did you put the whole costume on, because I’m sure a skirt was a part of that pattern.  Lynette’s like, Yeeeaaah there was! Jane is like, I’ll help you find the skirt your mom made, so all three of them go upstairs.  Jane saves the day!  Still hate her.

Oh.  Renee.  I honestly forgot about her.  You know, I get that they don’t want her involved with the main mystery and that it’s the last season, but if she had more interaction with the other girls (and not just Lynette, please), it would be much more fun.  I mean, even Edie, and later, Katherine, were involved in plots with the four main gals.  It’s getting to the point where I’m finding Renee tiresome, and I don’t want that to happen.  Vanessa Williams deserves better than that.

Then again, she’s responsible for releasing this abomination unto the masses, so maybe not.

How many innocent junior high and high school children had to suffer while singing this cheesy horror in choir?  Shame, Vanessa Williams.  Shame.  Renee is getting ready for her date.  She’s dressed, coiffed, and nervous, so she takes a couple drops of the horny potion.  And then some more.  And then some more.  Later, over at Ben’s, things are heating up on the couch in front of the fire, when a bunch of kids ring the doorbell.  Renee hilariously throws some candy at them and then slams the door, telling Ben she wants to find something “fun-sized she can enjoy.”  Which at first kind of sounds like it’s sexy, but it just ends up being an insult regarding the size of Ben’s penis.  More making out.  Renee gets really hot and takes off her sweater.  More making out.  And then Renee starts coughing, saying that her throat is getting tight [insert disappointment-that-there-will-be-no-blow-job joke here].  You guys can do that one yourself.  Something like,

“Not yet, but it’ll feel that way in a minute or two!  Hey-oh!”

But not that lame.  Ben says they can take a raincheck, but Renee wants the sexin’ . . . But her throat is getting tighter, making her cough.

Susan’s back home with the kids and Andre’s already there — he found her key under the doormat.  After the kids go upstairs, Andre says that he doesn’t care that Susan doesn’t like him, but Susan thinks he does.  He doesn’t — his work comes before relationships . . . but he did think about what she said in regard to Jasper and he’ll try to be a better dad.  Susan thinks it’ll make him a better painter, but Andre says it won’t, and then gives that tired bullshit about how art “consumes” you and makes you “block out” everything else, including friends and family blah blah blah.  Susan says she’ll never be like that and Andre says she might not have a choice.  Why, exactly, does Susan care so much about being an “artist?”  She’s already established herself as a children’s book illustrator AND author.  I don’t give a crap about her being “blacklisted” within the children’s book community — that storyline was filmed but not shown in season 3 or 4, it’s on the extra features on the DVD set, though — surely someone would sign her.  Whatevs.

Meanwhile, over at Ben’s house, Renee is confused as to why the trick-or-treaters are screaming and running away from her.

Even though Alpha1 did not turn out as planned, the scientists were confident enough to try the Barbra Streisand and Snooki DNA Splicing project at least one last time.

Renee must be allergic to something!  Is it chocolate?  Potatoes?  Wine?!  Australians?!?  What could she have put into her system to cause such a reaction?  This is indeed a mystery.  Renee starts to faint and Ben carries her out to his car, with all the kids screaming and running away from her.  To be fair, they aren’t aware of Renee’s facial problems — that’s their normal reaction to her.

Jane’s done sewing the skirt and tells Lynette she knows the costume was done professionally.  She understands the need to overcompensate because she bought a car for her 13 year-old daughter when her husband left her for a Swedish au pair.  Jane’s also a little envious of Lynette — she’s “smart and confident . . . The kind of person I could be friends with.”  Lynette concurs, saying that saving her ass was the kind of thing a friend does.  Lynette then asks that, as a friend, Jane stop trying to take Tom away from her, especially since Jane’s husband left her and she knows how it feels.  Jane’s like, I’m not going to let him go just because you can’t admit that your marriage is over.  Lynette says she’s not giving Tom up without a fight.  Jane:  “According to Tom, you’re always looking for a fight.”  Oooohhh!  The truth hurts, L-Scav!

Gabby is getting ready for her “night out” with Bree and Lynette.  They’re “taking” “Lynette” “out” “for” a “drink.”  I’m “done” with “pointless” “quotations.”  Bree and Gabby show up at the Scavo house to tell Lynette what they’re going to be doing tonight.

“Uh, I assumed we were going to get a crave case from White Castle and eat it in the mall parking lot just like every Tuesday night, but . . . No.  This is . . . This’ll be fine.”

Bree explains that Ben’s company is going to start digging tomorrow so they have to do it, and Carlos can’t help because he’s freaking out, and Susan can’t help because she’s always freaking out, so it’s just the three of them.  Oh no.  Are they Renee-ing Susan?!  Only time will tell . . .  Lynette can’t believe that they’re getting rid of a dead body.  Again.

Speaking of dead, let’s see what’s up with Renee.  She’s at the hospital where the doctor gave her a cortisone shot.  She told Ben about the Chinese Horny White Woman Potion (active ingredient:  rubbing alcohol.  Inactive ingredients:  Dust, lint, carpet remnants, cocaine) and he’s confused at her lack of sessual confidence since she threw herself at him a couple weeks ago.  She says that was before she knew she really liked him.  For some reason unbeknownst to me, Ben says he likes her too, and then they cuddle in the hospital bed.  Awwwww!  Take your shirt off, Ben!

Carlos answers the door for a trick-or-treater.  It’s Alejandro!

Which is weird, since he’s way too old to be trick-or-treating.

There’s also that dead thing.  Carlos is freaked out, and the fact that Alejandro turns into some 14 year-old kid probably doesn’t help.  Oh, Carlos, you’re upset.  You know what you need?  Gin!  Or possibly vodka!  I can’t tell what’s in the bottle that Carlos is drinking out of.  Drinky, drinky!

Over in the woods, there’s a bunch of fog.  Of course.  Lynette’s not sure about doing it:  “What about never returning to the scene of the crime?”  Word.  Bree says the plan is simple — dig him up, tie some bricks to him, drop him in a lake.  Easy peasy!  They get the icks thinking about how Alejandro will look now that he’s been dead for two months.  All of a sudden, they hear some guy yelling!  Also he has a flashlight!  The girls split up!  Running, running, more running, Lynette trips!  And then there’s running!  And just to mix things up a bit, Gabby runs!  And then everybody runs some more.  Lynette and Gabby run into each other while Bree whisper-shouts for them before spying something odd . . . Alejandro’s grave has been dug up!  But it’s cool.  They left Alejandro there.  That’s a total lie because they didn’t!  AAAAAAAAAAAA!

Happy Halloween Happy Veterans Day!

Desperate Housewives Memories:

Georgiababe — “I have another memory for you. This one is also from the pilot (which I was showing to a friend the other day after he made fun of me for watching DH – so I insisted that he watch the pilot so that I could show him that it USED to be so good) and it’s between Bree and Rex. They’re in some sort of hokey country restaurant and Rex tells Bree that he wants a divorce. She gets up to get him some salad, clearly upset and she (perhaps not so) accidentally puts onions in his salad, which Rex is of course deathly allergic to. Later in the episode, Rex is in the hospital and he says to Bree “I can’t believe you tried to kill me”. She gets all huffy and says “Yes, well, I’m sorry about that!” That line always makes me chuckle.

There’s another moment in that scene as well, where Rex tells Bree that he misses the “old” Bree and he hates the cold, perfect housewife that she’s become. She excuses herself to go to the bathroom and put fresh water in his vase of flowers, but once she’s in there she just sobs silently to herself, then she reappears, looking perfect. It’s such a revealing moment for Bree, how she’s created this image and she pretends that everything is fine, but in reality her husband’s words really hurt her and it’s so sad to see that she can’t let him see that or confide in him. Very telling moment about their marriage and it makes her connection with George even more understandable.”

Remember to email your favorite memories of the show to dhtvgasm08@gmail.com!  And remember that you’re entered into the drawing for a free DH DVD of your choice when you submit a memory for the first time!