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Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Lynette continues to be a complete ass to Tom, and he continues to forgive her, so who’s worse? I don’t know. I do not know. Susan continues her cleaning thing, and it’s just . . . it’s just exhausting. Gabby goes behind Carlos’ back to find her other daughter. Bree goes out with Renee a.k.a. Black Edie.
“Hmmmm. Whose backpack do I discretely vomit into this time?”
Mary Alice tells us that Tom Scavo is depressed, and that Lynette’s done everything she could to cheer him up. She’s tried shame, guilt, threats, deception, berating . . . nothing works! It’s so frustrating! Mary Alice says that Lynette finally told him to go to the doctor. Um, sure. Since he did that last week and was diagnosed with male post-partum depression. Do these people think we don’t watch this show every week? Do they think some of us don’t recap this show? Because we do, Cherry. We do.
Whatever. Apparently, Tom’s been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and the doc prescribed anti-anxiety medication. Lynette thinks the best solution to this situation is to yell at Tom and tell him that taking the meds is a really bad idea.
“What are we, Scientologists now? Did Suri Cruise put you up to this?”
Lynette tells him to get a second opinion. Which he does. And this doctor’s prescription? Medical marijuana. Ganja. Muggles. Wacky terbacky. Giggle sticks. The Kind. I’m sure that getting stoned, watching Family Guy, and eating Cheese Nips all day will totally help your depression, Scavo.
Make sure you was it down with a liquid depressant, ScavDawg. There you go.
Mary Alice tells us we all want happiness. Stop telling us what we want, Mary Alice! Lynette, Susan, and Bree walk over to the Young household to drop off a shit ton of muffins to Beth. They also invite her to the weekly poker game . . . that they haven’t had since like season 2. Paul comes down, so the gals scatter like pretty suburban roaches. Paul’s skeptical of their invitation, but tells Beth to go anyway, and give them all sorts of “meaningless information.”
“Like . . . beavers mate for life! Children grow faster in springtime! Oh! Oh! Cats can hear ultrasound!!”
Beth asks why Paul wants her to be friends with them since he hates them, and he replies that, “In time, it will be useful.”
“What the hell is this?! A muffin? We are a scone household, young lady! A scone household!!”
Carlos and Gabby are at the hospital, preparing to sign a document that states they won’t sue the hospital, and also ensuring that the hospital won’t try to find the other parents. There’s a slightly tense moment where it seems Gabby won’t sign it, but then she does, so it’s all kind of moot.
At Bree’s house, David Silver’s painted Bree’s dining room yellow, and she’s not exactly thrilled with it. The doorbell rings, and it’s Renee.
“Sup. From now on, I’m Black Edie. Deal with it, bitch.”
Renee wants Bree to go out with her and meet some men, and Bree’s all coy, like, Maybe I’ve already met someone, Ms. Skank Whom I Barely Know. She gets all goo-goo-eyed at David Silver, and for some extremely odd reason, Renee doesn’t even know that he’s there, and she’s not turning around to see where Bree is hornily staring.
Susan’s doing her cleaning whore routine. This never gets old, does it folks? Except it did. In the first episode. We get it, Teri Hatcher still looks good in underwear. We’ve all seen her Twitter page. Susan does this silly thing where she sucks her apron off her body. With a vacuum. Obviously. LandLainie stops by to hand her a big fat bonus check because her webcam’s getting the most hits. Yay! Susan’s the best whore ever!
David Silver’s eating an “amazing” sandwich that Bree made for him.
“Well, thank you. I make my own Velveeta.”
Bree starts to ask David Silver out on a date, but oh no! His girlfriend pulls up! And David Silver tells her she has to try the sandwich, because it’s awesome. Um, really? If my boyfriend asked me to take a bite of a random sandwich made for him by a random someone I’ve never met before, I’d be all, ” . . . the fuck? Are you serious?” That’s just odd. Bree walks up to Renee (who’s moving in to her whore-plex), and is all, “Let the stud hunt begin.” Boo yah.
Time for the poker game that the girls have totally been having every week even though we haven’t seen one in 3 or 4 years! Beth prattles on about her “Mama’s boyfriends” and how her mom has been in more laps than a napkin. They ply her with chardonnay to get her to talk. Beth talks about how she saw Paul’s photo in a newspaper, and wrote him letters, and then they fell in love and got married behind plexiglas. Beth says that she always knew Paul was innocent, and she was right.
Lynette’s back home making something Italian. With oregano. Oh, wait, that’s probably not important. I’m sure that won’t factor into this week’s plot. Tom comes downstairs to get a bunch of chips and junk, because he’s never smoked pot before and heard it makes you hungry.
Ah yes. “Southern grilled corn chips.” Favorite of stoners everywhere.
Also, Tom has sunglasses to hide his red eyes, and some Pink Floyd on his iPod. Well, the Scavos don’t have a lot of money, so Tom probably has a Zune from 2006. Lame. Tom hasn’t smoked pot before, and in college he “signed the abstinence pledge with the rest of his Dungeons and Dragons group” to abstain from drugs. Thank god. Because even without drugs, D&D is dangerous enough as it is.
As evidenced by Tom Hanks in the classic Mazes and Monsters.
Thank you, Mr. Hanks. And then Tom (Scavo, not Hanks) goes out back to smoke up some sweet Lucy. Oh, what’s all this then? Tom forgot his weed? Geez, is he already stoned? Lynette takes it upon herself to switch Tom’s marijuana with oregano. I’m sure tampering with someone else’s prescribed medication is perfectly legal. And rational. I’m sorry, but can Lynette do anything that doesn’t piss me off? Can she just once not do something horrible to Tom? Is that too much to ask, Cherry?
Susan’s doing laundry in her complex’s laundry room. Wah wah waaaaaahhhhh.
“All right. Only 6 more loads of camisoles and then I can get started on the v-strings.”
She tells Mike that she wants to go to Chez Naomi (which I believe is the chain of French restaurants owned by Naomi Watts) for their anniversary, even though they can’t really afford it. Mike leaves the laundry room, to, you know, further the plot. Sure enough, Stacy’s also doing laundry. And Stacy’s also one of LandLainie’s clean whores. Stacy accuses Susan of stealing some of her moves. Like the one where Susan shoves her ta-tas in front of the webcam? Cuz I’m pretty sure all the cleaning ladies of the night do that, Stace. Stacy’s pissed that Susan’s getting the bonus checks and tells Susan to watch her back. Oh, it is on! Kinda.
Tom tells Lynette that he’s wasted. His mind’s erasted. Best pot he ever tasted. Lynette shoves her finger into the wound by saying nonsensical phrases to make Tom think he’s super high. Nice. Tom tells his wife that he watched their daughter Paige for like, an hour, and she freaking blew his mind, man. Blew his mind.
Susan and Gabby are shopping for dresses, and Gabby’s like, “Aren’t you guys on a budget?” Susan says she’s been selling a lot of jewelry, which Gabby’s surprised to hear, since Susan’s jewelry looks like a bunch of Crunch Berries strung on dental floss. When Susan goes to try on a dress, a girl comes up to Gabby and is all, “Mommy?”
“Oh, sweetie, you are WAAAAYYY too skinny to be my daughter. Come back after about 12 chalupas. Then we’ll talk.”
The girl realizes that Gabby’s not her mom, and her real mom comes up to get her. Gabby’s all, Maybe that’s my real daughter! And so she scares the mom and kid by asking her when her birthday is and what hospital she was born in. Cut to Gabby telling Bob about how freaked out this is all making her, and asking him if he can do anything. She gives him a bit of information that she inexplicably found out when the other baby’s grandma burst in on her while Gabby was in labor with Juanita. Apparently, Granny Blabsalot told Gabby that she lived in El Paso and she was excited to have her daughter baptized at Santa Maria church. Bob asks if Carlos is on board, and Gabby lies — because what kind of episode would this be if Gabby didn’t tell a lie? — that he is. Bob says he knows a private investigator that can help. Oooh! Please be Keith Mars, please be Keith Mars!
“Who’s your daddy?”
LandLainie’s on the horn in her apartment, ordering Christmas steaks for all her girls. Susan comes in to pick up her filthy, filthy check, and she spies Stacy on cam, doing her patented “suck all my clothes off with the vacuum” bit. Susan ain’t happy, and so she grabs Stacy’s apartment key off the conveniently available cabinet that LandLainie just happened to leave open. Uh-oh, Suzy-Q, what are you up to?
Renee shows up to get Bree for their night out on the town. Bree’s chosen to wear a turtleneck, and Renee’s like, Oh hell no. She drags Bree up to Bree’s closet. Renee: “I have never seen so many sweater sets. Are you sure this is a closet and not a portal to the 1950s?” Ha! Touche, Black Edie. Touche. You may just yet win us over. Renee tells her that she needs to get that stick out of her ass and dress up like they’re going to a club to slut it up. Bree picks out a dress that has a plunging neckline. . . in the back.
We cut to Fairview’s Early 90s Industrial club. I’m pretty sure ABC used this same set in about 7 different episodes of Alias. Renee and Bree belly up to the bar for drinks, and who do they spy but David Silver hanging out at the end of the bar. Bree says Keith has a girlfriend, and Renee says that if she doesn’t see the girlfriend, then she doesn’t exist. That’s exactly how I feel about Justin Bieber. But after Renee leaves to go talk to David Silver, the bartender tells Renee that Keith’s girlfriend just dumped him, “which is why he’s here drowning his sorrows.” Really? At a dance club? When I want to drown my sorrows I go to the cheapest dive bar I can think of. Or I just buy a bottle of Beam and drink it in my bed. Bree immediately goes to the bathroom and turns her dress around.
This dress is also magical, as it radically increases Bree’s bust as well.
I think an elevator music version of “She-Wolf” is playing in the background. David Silver says he’ll see Bree in the morning and then leaves. Renee then proceeds to tell Bree that she’s taking Keith home with her, he just left to get the car. Bree implores Renee not to take Keith home because his girlfriend just dumped him. And also, because Renee’s a slut. That’s not just me being snarky. Bree actually says that.
Later on that night, Bree’s staring at Keith’s car in Renee’s driveway, and decides to call him, stating that she has an emergency at her house. She then proceeds to take a golf club to all her sprinkler heads, causing them to shoot water all over her lawn. So, I’m no handyman, but I’m not exactly 100% certain that’s how it works. Anyway, Keith comes running over to fix the problem, and Bree invites him on a date on Thursday.
Meanwhile, Susan waits for Stacy to leave and then lets herself into her apartment. She sets her sights on Stacy’s vacuum . . .
And I guess that’s all we need to know because we’re onto another scene. Beth’s out watering her flowers when she spies McC taking a walk. She runs over and asks McC why everyone hates Paul, and she’s like, “They think he’s a murderer.” McC then proceeds to tell her about Martha Huber.
Susan turns on her computer to catch Stacy’s show. Stacy attempts to suck off her apron, and oh my gosh! Her vacuum just keeps spitting out dust! How could that happen?! Oh. Susan. Right. Susan turns on her webcam and starts cleaning when Stacy barges in and confronts Susan. Apparently, Stacy’s so mad that she’s forgotten the vaguely Southern accent she had in the laundry room. The catfight’s barely begun when LandLainie comes in and tells Stacy that she’s a naughty girl for barging in on another girl’s show. This whole scene would have been more interesting if it had . . . been . . . more interesting.
Renee confronts Bree and says that she’s been needing a new hobby, and taking Bree down will be a good one. Ouch! Kitty’s got claws!
Black Edie’s gonna screw your cripple ex-husband and roller skate across your grave, bitch.
Susan’s doing laundry again, when Stacy comes back in to ‘pologize. Oh, I guess apologizing makes her speak in her vaguely Southern accent again. Susan accepts the apology, and Stacy says she’s saving money to go back to Virginia to see her family, and really could have used the bonus. She needs to get out of the business. Susan agrees, and they both say they’ll hopefully be done and gone by the end of the year. Susan asks Stacy how long she’s been doing the whore cleaning, and she tells Susan it’s been about 6 years. And then Susan’s life flashes before her eyes.
“Wow. My future is not pretty. It is, however, really, really clean.”
Susan goes back to her apartment and tells Mike that maybe they should just stay home and order Chinese food for their anniversary. Mike’s happy.
Beth tells Paul that she had a good time at the poker game, and tells him that everyone’s convinced he killed Martha Huber. Paul says he didn’t, and Beth’s like, Well I married you and I thought you were a murderer, so I’ll always be on your side regardless. Interesting. Who is Beth? Is she Felicia Tilman’s daughter/niece/other? My money’s on yes.
Carlos is moping on his porch, all non-goatee-like, and Tom comes up to tell him that he can help him ease all that stress by splitting a doob. A happy cigarette. Indiana hay. Or, as Carlos finds out, some oregano. Tom’s like, Who, oh who, would replace my medicinal marijuana with oregano? Who indeed, Tom. Who indeed. Tom goes home and confronts Lynette, who AGAIN laughs in his face and makes fun of him AGAIN. Tom’s like, Thanks for making a fool of me. Lynette’s all, That wasn’t my intent! Lynette. That’s ALWAYS your intent. She tries to make things better by saying that he didn’t need the pot, because he’s doing better on his own. He’s just addicted to Italian spices now. Lynette’s all, “But I’m sorry I tricked you.” For the 137th time.
Bob calls Gabby to let her know that Keith and Veronica Mars found her real daughter’s family. How awesome would that be? I miss Veronica Mars. Oh dip, I just realized there actually was a Veronica Mars episode about daughters switched at birth, and Veronica totally solved that sumbitch. Anysnooch, Gabby tells Bob to call the family. She then proceeds to play dress up with Juanita. She waxes on about how Juanita’s gonna grow up and get married, and Juannie Sue says that she’ll never get married because she doesn’t want to leave her parents. Gabby says that she’ll always love Juanita. As long as she grows out of her baby fat.
Bob spies Carlos outside and tells him that he’s called the family and things are getting kind of intense. Carlos is like, Why you tellin’ me this, gaybo? He interrupts Gabby and Juannie Sue’s play time, yells at her, and asks her if Gabby’s thought this whole thing through. Uh, gonna go with no on that one, champ. He asks her what will happen if the other family wants Juanita back. And adds that he will never forgive her if things end badly, and he’ll totally leave her if shit like that goes down.
Mary Alice blahs to us about happiness, a subject she’s a real expert on, given that she shot herself in the head. That’s it, folks! Just for fun, I leave you with one more photo of Black Edie.
Black Edie will eat your soul and wash it down with a vodka martini.
Next week: The ladies find out about Gabby’s secret; Renee finds out Bree is a mee-maw; Lynette exploits another member of her family; and I’m willing to bet more stupid cleaning whore stuff happens to Susan. Wheeeee.