Desperate Housewives: Romantic Terrorism

Tonight on Desperate Housewives:  Eddie moves in with the Scavo fam, but that boy ain’t right.  I mean, besides his hair and lack of any personality.  Gabby and Susan find out about Mike’s loan from Carlos, and it completely results in one of the funniest moments of Desperate Housewives in recent memory.  And Bree finds out just how diabolical Cyborg Sam really is.  Patrick Logan FINALLY confronts Angie, but he does  it with scented candles, which takes the evil factor down about a hundred notches.

This is your brain on the drugs you have to sometimes smoke to get through writing recaps of Desperate Housewives.  Any questions?

Mary Alice tells us that a long time ago, a terrorist fell in love with a woman, and this woman believed in his cause.  And yes, she means Patrick Logan and Angie Bolen, and, I don’t know, dolphin-free tuna or writing songs about how meaningful Arbor Day is and then playing said songs at a crappy coffee shop in the East Village.  But then an undercover agent showed up (Nick Bolen) and tried to infiltrate the gang Yoko Ono style.  And then Patrick built a bomb to blow up, I don’t know, BP headquarters or Mr. Burns’ nuclear power plant, but unfortunately, some people died.  Meh.  You can’t make an eco-friendly omelette without breaking a few eggs, I always say.  Seriously.  I say that ALL the time.

Angie totally wanted to turn herself in, but she couldn’t — cuz she was knocked to the up, y’all.  So Nick was all, Let’s run away and raise the kid as our own and then like 19 years from now we’ll be one of the main plots on a so-so season of a once great television show!  And that plan?  Totally worked.  Oh, and Patrick found them.  Oopsie.

Patrick shows up at The Coffee Cup for yet ANOTHER day of reconnaissance.  Look, I’m no diabolical genius or anything (yet . . . ) but Patrick?  You may want to think about stepping up the game a little bit.  Nick comes in to ask Danny if he wants to go jogging this evening, but Danny passes on that one.  Patrick gets all nervous about the possibility of Nick seeing him.

“Okay, okay, just pretend that your hand is a cell phone and that you’re talking to AT&T customer care, and no one will notice . . . “

Once Nick leaves, Danny comes up to Patrick and is all, I should have introduced you to my dad!  Patrick’s like, Yeah . . . so I could kill him!  Which Patrick totally tries to do later that night when he goes to Wisteria Lane and hits Nick with his car while Nick’s out jogging.  Because what’s a season of Desperate Housewives without someone getting hit by a car?  A worthless one, if you ask me.  Credits.  They never show the full credits anymore.   Poor Danny Elfman . . .

Mary Alice prattles on about how moms tell us to avoid strangers.  Except my mom, who always said that men in window-less vans always have the best ice cream and cold medicine, so if the opportunity ever arose, I should take it.  But sometimes, Mary Alice says, strange men come into our homes invited.  Like Eddie and the Scavos, for instance.  Guh, just kill him already, Cherry!

“The store had a special on neck lotion and fingerprint-concealing leather gloves!  Yaaayyy!”

Eddie ran out to the store cuz he noticed Lynette was out of some stuff.  Oh, hey, the laundry’s done!  Eddie will take care of that too.  You know, I actually hate him more for being an insufferable kiss-ass than I do for being a strangler.  But hey, it’s Porter’s turn to do the laundry, Lynette says.  But Porter has to go to the mall.  Oh my god, the clothes are wet!  They could mildew!  I can’t take the suspense!  Who will take the clean laundry out of the washer!?  It’s too much!  Porter is all, Yeeeaaaah, I’m going to the mall, and it’s LAUNDRY, and you’re kind of a stay-at-home mom now, so I’m thinking you can probably take care of that.  Eddie tells Porter he shouldn’t talk to his mom like that.  And then, Porter mutters under his breath, “What a bitch.”  Oh, hell no, Eddie can’t have that!  So he goes all Hulk-y on Porter and pushes him to the ground and tells Porter he can’t talk to Lynette like that, and then threatens to punch him.  Eddie, sweetie, no.  How many times have we been over this?  Hands are for strangling, not for punching.

Actually, forget the strangling and brown-nosing.  I hate him most for his hair.

Lynette pulls Eddie off and then Eddie starts crying or something, and Lynette tells Porter to go join his friends.  Eddie’s all, “I just can’t watch you get disrespected.”  Well, I certainly can, Eddie.  I actually enjoy it sometimes, to tell the truth.

Mike knocks on Carlos’s door and hands him an envelope full of cash.  Since, you know, Carlos let him borrow some.  Hmmm, seems to me Carlos had some terms and conditions a couple weeks ago, didn’t he?

“Gosh, Mike, I uh . . . I couldn’t help but notice you’re not in your underwear.  And, um, be a good boy and run home and get us some chili.  Some nice, sexy chili.  Oh yeah.  We’re gonna have us some Hormel time.”

Mike says he’s been making some sacrifices but it’s all good because he wants to pay Carlos back.  Carlos tries to make it sound like Mike is donating money to the Catholic Church since Gabby’s home.  And not only is Gabby home, but she’s totes horny and wants to have a nooner with Carlos.  Can you blame her?  No, you can not.  Carlos is like, Every time you want afternoon sex, it means you want something.  Which, of course, Gabby does.  She wants a ski chalet in Aspen, but Carlos says he has a lot of money in a “business deal.”  So Carlos says no.  To the chalet.  And then Gabby says no.  To sex.  And then Carlos says no.  To his boner.

Meanwhile, over at Susan’s, Susan has a surprise for Mike:  A big ass grand piano.  Turns out, Susan’s Aunt Convenient Plot-Forwarding Device Lady died and left her the piano.  But Susan’s like, Tell Gabby it cost $30,000 because she’s always flaunting her wealth in my face and now I’m throwing it back at her.  Mike’s obviously not down with this, but he can’t tell her much more because of his Chili Clause.

Over at the Fairview Market, where a lonely and deranged Carolyn Bigsby shot and killed Tom’s other baby mama (god, that was an awesome episode), Bree and Sam are shopping and arguing over which of them is more off-putting.  Sam wins by a nose.  All of a sudden, Bree catches Sam staring at a stocker, a woman in her 50s.  It’s Betty Applewhite!  No, it’s not.  Man, I hope she comes back at the end of the season!  Sam excuses himself to get some “baking soda” which is apparently code for “awkward escalating conversation with woman who is just stocking groceries and totally not my mom at all, OKAY?!”

“All I asked was what aisle the adult diapers and K-Y jelly were in.  There’s no need for judgement.”

Sam asks her what she’s doing in the grocery store, and the woman’s all, “I lost my job, I had to do something!”  Sam tells Bree that he was yelling at her for not stocking cilantro, which is totally justifiable.  I once had a grocery store employee fired because he told me they didn’t have any coriander.  I mean, honestly!  That’s just bad customer service, is what that is.

Over at the hospital, in the Wisteria Lane Coma and Car Injury Wing, Nick’s in bed, looking all . . . hit-by-a-car-y.  Angie comes in to visit.  She’s like, “What kind of person hits you and then drives away?”  Um, Andrew Van de Kamp.  And also, um, Orson Hodge.  Although, Orson’s driving days are over, so . . . yeah.  Nick says that he’s sure that Patrick was probably the one who hit him.  He tells Angie to go home, pack some bags, and take Danny to some place they have planned, at least for a few weeks.

It’s nighttime at the Scavo household.  The boys are upstairs sleeping peacefully, and Penny’s locked up in the basement with her bucket of fish heads.  All is right with the world.  So why can’t Lynette sleep?  Oh yeah — cuz she invited a psycho strangler to live with her.  She wakes Eddie up to have a talk with him.  She asks Eddie why he was so pissed off, and he’s all, Your family doesn’t really care about all the stuff you do around here.

“I get that.  But let me fill ya in on a little secret, Eddie:  I don’t really give a crap about my family either.  Soooooooo yeah.”

Lynette says that sometimes her family can be unappreciative, but what he did was dumb as hell and it can’t happen again.  And she’s all, I grew up with an alcoholic mother, “and I know what it feels like to be angry all the time, but I had to find a way to control myself.”  Like, I don’t know, having a shit-ton of babies, Lynette?  That oughta keep you in check.

She tells Eddie that she had a really good counselor at school who told her to breathe deep, pat her chest, and start counting.  It helps her feel in control.  She reiterates that what happened can never happen again.  Look, I give Lynette a lot of crap.  We all know that.  And it’s fun.  But what keeps me loving her is the fact that this lady would freaking jump in front of a train to save her family.  That, and she is badass.  Bad.  Ass.  And I am completely looking forward to a pregnant Lynette kicking Eddie’s ass both mentally and physically.  Possibly while she’s in labor.  And if that doesn’t happen, Cherry?  We will have words.

Gabby’s over at the Solis financial adviser’s office to get the skinny on what’s going on with the finances, and he won’t tell her, so Gabby does the only rational thing:  She grabs his hand, puts it on her unbelievably toned and rockin’ ass, and threatens to tell Carlos that he sexually harnessed her.

Ah, Gabby World — where the only solutions to life’s problems are threats, petty lies, and blackmail.

The financial advisor tells Gabby that he gave the money to Mike to help out with his financial messiness.  And Gabby’s like, Susan’s my friend!  How awful that she’s poor!  This completely changes my opinion of her!  For this episode at least!

Angie gives Danny some money and tells him to split, like pronto.  And Danny’s like, You don’t even know that it was this Patrick guy that hit him, and on another note, I met this great guy at The Coffee Cup and we’re in love, and he’s coming over for dinner!  Okay, maybe he didn’t say that last part.  I don’t know.  I tend to fade in and out of this show if none of the guys are shirtless.  Angie’s like, I’d rather be safe than sorry.  Danny, dude, she told you she didn’t care if you got some beer, and you’ll have free cable and you can order freaking pay-per-view porn!  Just go!

Back at the market, Bree confronts the grocery lady (Sam told her that she was a friend of his) and says she doesn’t understand why Sam would talk to a friend the way he did earlier.  And of course, grocery lady drops the bombshell that she’s not his friend . . . she’s Betty Applewhite!  Except actually she’s his mother.

“Uh-huh.  Uh-huh.  So . . . cilantro?”

Sam’s mom grabs them each a coffee, and Bree asks her why Sam would go around saying that she’s dead, and Grocery Mom is like, “He’s a complicated boy.”  Well, to be fair, Grocery Mom, he’s not a REAL boy.  He has to go see the Blue Fairy before that can happen.  They talk about Rex and then Grocery Mom says that Rex sent a letter after he married Bree, and in that letter he stated that he could give Sam a much better life and wanted full custody.  Grocery Mom refused.  And then later on, Sam found out about the letter and was all, Uh!  Moooooommmmm!  Me wantee!  But by then it was too late.  Grocery Mom reiterates that Sam is a “complicated boy.”

Gabby goes over to Susan’s and says that she got too many groceries at the store, and she thought, I’m gonna give these to Susan (cuz she’s poor).  And of course Susan spies this as an opportunity to brag about her new piano that allegedly cost $30,000.  Gabby’s like, Oh this is so — waaaaaaiiiiittt a minute here . . . something’s not right.  Gabby asks Susan if this is the right time to buy stuff, since Mike’s car was recently repossessed, and Susan’s like, Oh well Mike totally just made a lot of money.  Oh no!  Now everyone’s confused and pissed at each other!  Just like my 13th birthday party . . . Gabby’s like, You owe me $50,000!  And then she spills the beans about the loan, and Susan’s like, He told me business picked up — ooooooohhhhhhh crap now I get it.  Susan doesn’t understand why Mike doesn’t want her dirty strip club money.  Well, probably because it’s all in ones and fives, and smeared with baby oil and regret.  Susan’s about to call Mike, when Gabby’s all, Why don’t we just come up with a hilarious scheme to entertain these nice people who are totally over the whole Eddie thing?  Oh yeah — bring it Suze and Gabs!  We deserve it.

“Now this is just between you and me, tiny people who live in the piano!”

Guh, speaking of Eddie, we’re back at the Scavos.  Okay, I’m just going to say that I do not have issues with Eddie being the strangler per se.  Per se.  It’s just that he went from a completely minor background character with no personality whatsoever, to a strangling, mom-murdering, Scavo-kid threatening psycho in the space of about one episode.  It’s just way too convenient.  I would have rather had some clues.  Some sort of inkling that Eddie MIGHT have been the strangler, but might not have, but maybe someone else could have been.  Like Betty Applewhite!  (Never gonna get old, people.  Never gonna get old.)  Am I right, folks?  Damn, Cherry needs to hire me.  And then slap me.  So I can sue him.  And get money.

Wow, sorry for that.  Tom comes home from a long day of work to find Lynette on the couch and Eddie studying Strangling Your Friend’s Pregnant Mom For Dummies at the kitchen table.  And Tom’s all, Where’s my dinner?  And Lynette’s like, “One of our 50 kids must have eaten it.”  Ha!  And then Tom’s all, Ugh, forget it, you’re a sucky wife, I’ll make something myself.

“Okay, so we have a pie crust, Heinz 57, and ear infection medicine.  I can totally make an omelet out of that, right?”

Of course, all this consternation has caused old Eddie to get the crazies, so he pounds his chest and starts to count.  And then he does it really loudly.  Lynette tells Tom that he might want to put the kibosh on the gripeys, cuz otherwise, it’s a one-way ticket to Deadsville on the Strangle Train.  Toot toot!

So she runs over to kiss Tom so that Eddie won’t push Tom to the ground and attack him.  When Lynette explains this to Tom in their bedroom, Tom’s like, Kid’s a psycho, kick him out.  Totally, Tom.  Totes magoats.  Lynette says that maybe Eddie should have some therapy, or maybe the Scavos could all just be nice to Lynette.  Tom goes for the therapy.  Hee.  Remember that one time Tom wore a leopard thong?  Good times.  Someday I’m just going to find all shirtless pics of the male cast members and post them as my screengrabs.  Well, probably not, because I’m lazy, but my god — wouldn’t that be awesome?

Bree’s telling Orson about how shocked she was that Sam’s mom was alive.  And how even more shocked she was that she was poor and doing *shudder* manual labor for *shudder* minimum wage.  Lying is one thing to Bree, but she will not tolerate poor people.  Okay, I made the last part up but we all know she’s thinking it.  Orson’s gloating about being right.  Hey Bree — throw that wheelchair thing back in his face!  I’d do it!  I’d be all, “Why be right when you can WALK, A-HOLE!  Suck on that, Chair Man!  Suck.  On.  That!”  And now we know why I can’t volunteer at the Paralympics.

Speak of the robot devil — Sam shows up.  He seems peppy.  He must have been plugged in to the wall outlet all night.

“I also come with a convenient car charger!”

Bree confronts Sam about his theoretically dead mother and how she’s realistically alive.  Sam’s all, “She is dead.”  Well, to be fair, he was a business major, not a biology major, people.  He adds, “To me.”  He then blahs about that letter that Rex sent, and how Grocery Mom wouldn’t let him live in the big house with Rex and bikes and tvs.  Um, and a mom who would freaking abandon you on the side of the road!  Look, Bree’s come a long way in her parenting skills, but I’m never gonna let that one pass, folks.  Because secretly, I think it was kind of awesome.  But noooooooooo, Sam had to wear mittens in the winter cuz Grocery Mommmy couldn’t pay the heating bill!  And then he throws a vase.  And then he says that he’s going to talk to the Schwartzman’s about their bar mitzvah.  Bree’s concerned.

“Did I remember to ask his mom about the cilantro?”

Over at therapy, Eddie’s session has ended, and the doc tells Lynette that the therapy is going well, but it’d be great if Strangly McGee’s mom could visit, but Eddie says she probably won’t come.  Lynette’s all, I can totally convince her to come.  Oh, so Lynette — you’re a voodoo priestess who can raise the dead to walk amongst the living?  Good to know.  Good. To.  Know.

“Also, I don’t really want to breach my doctor-client privilege thingy, but you may want to think about stocking up on some really bulky turtleneck sweaters.”

Lynette goes over to Eddie’s house to try to convince Alco-Mom to go to therapy with Eddie.  But she’s not answering the door.  Partly because she’s always hated Lynette.  And mostly because she’s dead.  One of the neighbors is like, I haven’t seen her for days and her car’s still there, it’s weird.  Lynette’s all, That IS weird.

Bree is arranging some flowers when Andrew shows up.  Bree apologizes to him for their misunderstanding, and says that she shouldn’t have trusted Sam from the start.  But what to do about him now, they wonder?  May I suggest recycling?  Or you can take him down to the junkyard and smash him into a little cube.  Bree says she saw a side of him that she never saw before and she’s afraid of him.

“And . . . I don’t know how to break this to you, but . . . we’re out of cilantro.”

Yay!  It’s time for Gabby and Susan’s scheme!  Now, I’m just going to say that a.) this is hilarious, and b.) you really need to see it in person to appreciate it.  It’s seriously little moments like this that keep me watching this show.  Well, that and the fact one night I drunkenly posted a message to Flipit’s Facebook page that stated I’d recap Desperate Housewives until it went off the air.  I’ll try to do it a little bit of justice, but like I said, it’s much better when you watch it.  So here’s how the scheme goes down:  Susan invites Gabby and Carlos over for dinner.  She tells Carlos that the piano cost $30,000 plus more with taxes and crap.  BUT, she tells Carlos not to bring it up in front of Mike, because he’s embarrassed and thinks it’s “ostentatious” — in fact, Susan says Mike is telling everyone that they inherited it from an aunt to save face.  So then Mike comes down, and while Suze and Gabby go to check on dinner, Carlos asks Mike about said piano, and Mike tells Carlos that they inherited it (which is true, but Carlos doesn’t know that it actually is).  Carlos is like, Dude, what?!

Okay.  So.  Then Susan asks Carlos to help her set the table, and tells Mike and Gabby to get the wine.  Gabby fake cries to Mike and says she’s so sad because she thinks Carlos is having an affair — because he’s been acting secretive and because $50,000 is missing from their account.  Mike thinks there’s an explanation, but Gabby’s “sure” that Carlos is cheating on her.  And then she’s like, Are you sure you don’t know what’s going on, because I checked his cell phone and he calls you all the time.  Mike’s like, “He’s not talking to me,” and Gabby’s all, “Well the next time he’s not talking to you, you might want to give him the name of your divorce lawyer.”  Hee.  Love it.

Right.  So.  Susan is talking to Carlos, when she “loses” an earring that cost $3,000.  And she’s all, Isn’t it great that we can afford nice things now that Mike is loaded again?  Hee.  I do love me some comedic Teri Hatcher.  Mike confronts Carlos.  And this is hard to explain, but they argue — and Mike thinks they’re talking about the affair and Carlos thinks they’re talking about money . . . it’s actually really fun.  Ugh, this is exhausting.  I apologize.  Finally, during dinner, Susan makes a fake pass at Carlos, then Gabby gets “jealous,” and Gabby’s like, You’re doing it with Carlos!  She calls Susan a “whore!”  Which doesn’t sound all that funny, but it’s all tone and timing, peeps.  And then Susan’s like, “We might as well confess, Carlos.”  And then she tells Mike that she said she’d sleep with Carlos if he would give them money.  Ha ha ha!  Funniest part of this season, hands down.  So then Mike and Carlos start yelling at each other, and so Gabby and Susan finally tell them that they know what’s going on.  I totally did NOT do that justice.  Seriously — ABC.com.  It happens around 30 minutes into the show.  Just watch it.

Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria Parker, for making a bland episode much more enjoyable!

Ah, that was fun.  I mean, it was fun watching it.  It was a pain in the ass to recap.  But you don’t care how much I suffer as long as I’m your little recap monkey.  Well.  Fine.  I see.  No, no, that’s fine.  That’s fine.  Let’s move on.  Later on that night, Mike apologizes, and Susan’s all, I need your word that you’ll never “freeze me out like this again.”  And then she takes a look at Mike’s ten bajillion bills and loan stuff.  Depressing.  Sad.  I want funny Hatcher back!

Wow, did anyone else completely forget about Angie?  Cuz I kind of did.  She’s back at the hospital, and I guess they’re going to intentionally put Nick in a coma.  I’m sure the doctor came in and was all, “Okay, you’ve got some sprains, a minor concussion, nothing big.  A few days of rest — Oh.  Oh, you live on Wisteria Lane.  So, we’ll just put you in a coma.”  And then Nick was all, “But Doctor –” and the doctor was all, “Sorry, protocol.  Wisteria Lane — coma.  Next!”  I guess there was brain swelling or something.  He’ll be out for a couple days, so Nick wants her to go with Danny, but Angie is all, It’ll all be fine, ya mook.  But Nick convinces her to leave.

But when she gets home, all is not well.  Patrick Logan is there!  And he lit a bunch of candles!  He sits at coffee shops and writes novels and then he breaks into your house and lights a bunch of vanilla scented candles!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  He’s so evil!

“You’re a madman, Patrick Logan!  I’ll do anything you want!  Just please, for the love of god, don’t go upstairs and draw me a bath with lavender scented oils!”

Patrick tells Angie that he’s not going to kill her, cuz he needs her alive so she can do him a favor.  But he wants to talk about it in the morning, cuz he’s had a long day.  And he adds that if she wants Nick to live, she’ll let him stay the night in his house and not tell anyone about the fact that he’s in town.  And no, I did not tone down the excitement for the recap — it’s just as non-chill-inducing on the screen as it is when you read it.

Next Week:  What?  Only 2 more episodes?!  That’s right!  Maybe we’ll find out who the strangler is — oh wait.  Oh!  Maybe we’ll find out why Angie and Nick are hiding — oh, wait.  Susan and Mike have more money issues; Bree gives Sam an ultimatum; Angie asks for Gabby’s help with Patrick Logan’s Evil Aromatherapy Showdown; and Lynette suspects that Eddie may be crazy.  Er.  Crazier.