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First, a couple things. Well, one thing. You may have seen the article in Newsgasm, but reports are saying that Desperate Housewives was pretty much the only ABC show not announced as renewed for a next season. I know you’re thinking, “Oh my god my world is upside down and I’m freaking ooouuuuuttt!” Okay. Put down that bottle of Night Train and that sledgehammer before you start smashing all of your belongings in a blind rage, because I’m sure it’ll be coming back for at least one more season. My reasoning is threefold: A.) Last year, renewal for Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy wasn’t announced until May. B.) The show, despite having a big drop from it’s original audience — 7 long years ago — is still one of the top 20 shows on television, and it does really well with it’s demographic, i.e. US. And 5.) It’s probably an issue of negotiations, since the main 4 ladies are only contracted for the first 7 seasons. I’m sure Cherry would have blabbed about the show ending by now, because that mofo can’t really keep secrets when it comes to this show. IF, however, the show continues without the 4 main ladies, at that point you can grab your Night Train and get all smashy smashy. All righty? I promised you this week would be better, didn’t I? Well, Daddy Hypnotoad done good, kids, cuz this week? Was pretty effing good. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to be nice, especially to Gabby’s pathetic excuse for a plot. I mean, obviously. Let’s get this started.
Night Train — Keeping hobos drunk and comatose since the 1970s.
Mary Alice blahs that Tom has a 20 year-old secret. What is it, Mary Alice?!! Oh. The one where he slept with Renee. Yeah, old news, Suicide-y. We already know that. How is Lynette handling this revelation? By sitting Tom down and rationally telling him how she’s hurt and talking about what else she’s feeling right now, you know, getting the healing process started. Or, rather, she’s humiliating and injuring Tom. By putting salt in his coffee, breaking his favorite recliner so he falls backwards out of it, and breaking their sprinklers so that Tom gets water all over him. Nice, Lynette. And those last two sound kind of pricey to fix. Oh, and also, she does this:
Is it just me, or does Tom’s ass now look like a silly angry man face?
Renee’s over this morning, and asks Lynette why she has a seam-ripper on the table. Hmmmm.
Renee’s hair makes a last-ditch effort to escape from her body.
Seriously. She’s like a walking Play-Doh hair toy. Renee tells Lynette that it’s immature to get back at Tom this way, and she should just tell him that she knows, but Lynette says she has a lot of anger to work through before she even brings it up. She tells Renee not to tell Tom . . . as she greases the stairs with peanut butter, causing Tom to slip and land on his head and back. He’s okay, though (So. I guess that season 2 and 3 back problem just kind of fixed itself, eh Desperate Housewives writers? Yeah. That’s what I thought.). It’s kind of funny, but the fall looks kind of horrible. Tom’s like, How’d peanut butter get on the damn stairs? And Lynette’s all, Those damn kids.
“Mmmmm . . . I like my revenge like I like my peanuts: Honey roasted.”
Credits. When was the last time we saw the full credits sequence? Poor Danny Elfman. Mary Alice tells us we pass by isolated people everyday, but we just keep walking, telling ourselves we can’t help. Look, they’re homeless for a reason, Mary Alice — either they’re crazy or it’s their choice, okay? Bree’s in church, and the pastor asks her to help reach out to a parishioner who is feeling lonely and isolated, and of course she says yes . . . until she finds out it’s Beth. When Bree hears this, she denounces her faith in Jesus and joins Scientology on the spot.
“Screw you, padre. I’m going shopping with Suri Cruise.”
What happens next is a very funny scripture-off between Bree and the Pastor, each going back and forth with scriptures about helping the needy (the Pastor) and ones about the wicked and evil (Bree, of course) . . . Until the Pastor tells Bree he knows she’s shacking up with her boyfriend, Keith. Oh, dip! Jesus don’t take kindly to co-habitation! And lobsters (It’s in the Old Testament. Look it up.). Bree tells the Pastor that she’ll do it. Atta girl.
Over at Gabby and Carlos’ house, it’s brunch time. Now THAT’S how you spend Sunday morning people — by worshipping at the house of mimosa. Speaking of mimosas, Lee tells them to break out the champagne because they need to celebrate. Celebrate what, you ask? Bob and Lee are adopting a kid! Yay! So cute. Her name is Liza Hunter McDermott. Carlos is like, “Liza?” And Bob’s all, “Guess who lost that coin toss?” Turns out the girl is 10 years old, so . . . wouldn’t she already, like, have a name? Was there a need for Bob and Lee to name her? Or did they toss a coin to see if they should pick her or another child? Because that’s kind of cruel and weird. Look, Desperate Housewives writers: Just because it’s kind of funny doesn’t mean we’ll overlook the fact that it DOESN’T REALLY MAKE SENSE. They show a picture of her to Gabby, who immediately starts thinking of Grace. And then Carlos yells at her.
“I lost every pleasant and funny aspect of my personality when I shaved off my goatee, okay?!”
Seriously. Un-goateed Carlos is no fun. Gabby goes off to cry and also get the champagne that Bob and Lee should have actually brought since it was their good news and it would have been good manners. So she goes upstairs to her closet and –
Yup. This. Still this, people.
Ugh, Cherry! No more! This is the worst plot since Orson became a klepto! Enough!
Susan’s in the hospital, and my god, she needs some makeup — stat. Mike comes in with a surprise — Julie! Yay! I miss Julie! Julie wants to get tested to see if she’s a kidney match for Susan. Awww, you guys, that’s really sweet. Susan doesn’t want Julie to go through life with only one kidney, even though you can totally live a normal life with just one. Didn’t Susan read that pamphlet last week? Sheesh. Mike says that she should consider someone else for a match . . . someone she loves . . . someone she’s related to. Sophie! Susan’s mom! Yay! I have missed the fabulous Lesley Ann Warren on this show! It’s been far too long. Of course, Susan doesn’t want her mom showing up, saying that she’ll be paying for her mom’s kidney all her life, she then imitates her mom: “How come you haven’t visited? – I gave you my kidney! Why won’t you friend me on Facebook? – I gave you my kidney!” Ha! Ahahahaha!
Tom hops into his car to head out for another day of work. But Renee pops up in the back seat, AAAAA!
“My big hair has secrets it needs to reveal to you.”
Tom tells Renee that Lynette knows about them, and how she’s been sabotaging him. Including, Tom asks, “That gay porn in my PowerPoint presentation?!” Hahaha! I’m sure he didn’t enjoy it. Cuz Tom Scavo ain’t gay.
Like, at all.
You’re welcome, by the way. Bree shows up at Beth’s house to see how she’s doing. Oddly, this is the first time I think I’ve seen Bree at someone’s doorstep without a muffin basket. Beth invites her in for coffee, and says that everyone hates her husband, so she feels ostracized. If people could only understand Paul’s life, she says: He went to prison for a murder he didn’t commit (true, but he totally killed someone else), “his wife killed himself, his son hates him.” Well, when you put it that way, it is kind of sad. Bree says that she can’t convince people to love Paul — if he takes his shirt off, I’m convinced, Bree! — but there’s no reason for people not to get to know Beth better. She invites Beth to a party she’ll have with all the other ladies. Beth’s apprehensive, but Bree says she’ll convince them.
Back at the hospital –
Sophie shows up and says she has a surprise –
Valerie Harper! Rhoda! Or, as I prefer to know her, Valerie Hogan! Poor Valerie Hogan. Killed in that mysterious car crash between seasons 2 and 3, causing Sandy Duncan to have to step in and raise those twins and a deliciously hunky teenage Jason Bateman.
At any age, people. At any age.
You’re welcome, by the way. Where was I before I got distracted by the loveliness that is Jason Bateman? Ah, yes. Desperate Housewives. Anyway, Valerie is actually Susan’s Aunt Claire, who taught Susan to make cocktails when she was little. Aunt Claire’s all, “Your mom tells me you have a deformed kidney?” Sophie: “I told her not to sleep on her side.” Ha! This episode, you guys, it’s good stuff. Mike says they hope to find a donor really soon, and a best match is in the family. Sophie’s like, “Oh Julie!” Susan’s all, Ummm no. Sophie: “M.J.!” Hee. Susan makes the case that it’d be kind of hard to adapt to a 9 year-old’s kidney. Mike tells Sophie that they were hoping she’d be a donor. This does not sit well with Sophie, and Susan can’t believe that her mom doesn’t want to do it. Sophie says that she and Morty are just about to leave on a 3 month cruise — oh please bring back Bob Newhart as Morty! Unless he’s dead. Is Bob Newhart dead? Hang on. Okay, Wikipedia says no, so more Morty, please! Aunt Claire drags Sophie away so there’s no more awkwardness.
Over at Lynette’s house, Lynette is singing a public domain song — hey, songs cost money, people — and making brownies. But these brownies have a secret ingredient. Is it love?! No. No, it’s laxative powder, which is just as nauseating. I’m not sure that that actually works. I once made brownies with some other “special ingredient,” and it didn’t work at all. And I even ate the entire pan to make sure. Wait . . . Oh. I see. When Tom comes home, she offers a brownie to Tom, who says he’s not hungry. Penny comes downstairs and wants a brownie, but Lynette tells her no. Tom’s like, Sure. He hands her one, all, “Take it. Eat it,” and just as Penny’s about to put it in her mouth, Lynette whacks it out of her little hand. It’s pretty funny, you guys.
Tom and Lynette have a fight about the affair. Bbjunkie — you totally called it, as the fight is completely Ross and Rachel circa season 1997. All we need now is a copy girl and Mark from Bloomingdale’s. Tom says that they’d broken up, and Lynette says they were on “a break.” Lynette went to her mom’s because they were fighting all the time. Her mom was making a frittata and Lynette had an epiphany about wanting to spend her life with Tom and make him frittatas all the time . . . or something. Lynette says it kills her that while she had The Frittata Epiphany, Tom was doin’ it with her best friend.
“Eighteen pages! FRONT AND BACK!!!”
Bree and Gabby get back from some shopping, and Bree spies doll clothes strewn all about the stairs. Bree says she hopes Carlos isn’t having an affair with “a tiny, naked person.”
“Because that would be wrong. We all know little people have no souls, god bless their little hearts.”
It looks like Bree has some kind of palsy in that pic, doesn’t it? Gabby’s furious, and runs up the stairs yelling for Celia and Juanita. Turns out Juanita thought it was her doll, so she’s playing with it. And it turns out Celia loves plastic baby arms.
“What?! I thought it was marzipan! Still good, though . . .”
Gabby yells at the girls that it’s not a toy, “It’s special! And it’s mine! And no one can take it away from me!!!” Bree’s upstairs by this time and is all, WTF, Gabby, it’s a freaking doll? Gabby lies and says it’s for Bob and Lee’s little girl. Well played, Gabrielle Solis. Well played.
Julie shows up to take Susan home, since the hospital’s releasing her today. Turns out, Julie went ahead and took a test to see if she was a kidney match (Awwww!). She’s not (Dammit!). Susan says she’s proud of the woman Julie’s become. You weren’t so proud last year when she was boning Nick Bolen, were you Susan, huh? Huh?! Sophie and Aunt Claire show up to help Susan get home. Susan’s icy to her mom, telling her she doesn’t need help and hurling thinly veiled insults at her. Sophie insists she wants to help, but Susan says she had her chance. She doesn’t understand why her mom doesn’t want to even offer one of her kidneys. Claire tries to but in, but Sophie shuts her down, telling Susan that she’s sorry she disappointed her. Sad.
Later, Aunt Claire comes over to Susan’s apartment. At least the writers haven’t forgotten that Susan doesn’t live on Wisteria Lane anymore. Although, I’m willing to be that they did, and had to change the script at the last minute. Susan asks Aunt Claire if she wants to come in. Aunt Claire: “That depends. Do you have beer?” Hee! And Susan does, so she asks Aunt Claire to come in for a chat. She asks Susan to let her mom off the hook as a favor. Susan refuses, and then Claire tells Susan that Sophie has breast cancer. Oooooh, shit. Sad. Sophie has to start chemo soon, and they made up the cruise thing so that no one would have to know. Susan’s shocked that Sophie didn’t say anything, because she always likes attention (true dat). Aunt Claire says that as soon as she found out about Susan, she decided that she didn’t want to burden her any more. Awwwww! Susan wants to go talk to her, but Aunt Claire tells her not to, since Sophie is trying to make up for a lifetime of selfishness. Awwwwww! Tear. Single sad tear rolling down my cheek.
Oh, dammit! Gabby’s back at Miss Charlotte’s International House of Plots We Just Want to Go Away Already. You guys, I’m warning you — this scene is stupid and creepy. It’s crupid. Or stureepy. Pick one. Gabby’s brought in her doll, and Miss Charlotte says that “children should never be allowed to play with dolls.” Um, then why did you try to sell one to Juanita last week? Who the hell is this store marketed to? That weird obese middle-aged totally-in-the-closet gay guy I used to work with who wore shorts every day of the year and collected dolls that he bought on eBay? Probably. Gabby asks Miss Charlotte if she’s weird for getting so attached to a doll.
“Oh, honey, no. What would be weird is if you didn’t obey the Satanic commands that they give to you telepathically.”
Gabby tells Miss Charlotte that she bought the doll because the doll reminded her of something. And then, things go awry, people. Very awry. And redonk. Gabby says that now she’s “starting to feel like I need her.” Oh, what fresh hell is this? “She calms me down when I get upset and I enjoy spending time with her. Leaving here without her is really upsetting.” Oh, lord. Miss Charlotte takes her to the back of the store, a.k.a. the 5th circle of hell. She says that she understands, and introduces her to Mrs. Humphries.
“Hello. I steal the souls of toddlers and store them in the curls of my hair. And I come with a free necklace! The necklace is also evil. But it’s sparkly!”
Miss Charlotte found her in a shop in Ohio, and the more she got to know the doll, the more she found out about the doll’s story. Oh, sweet sassy molassy. In all fairness, I get the feeling that Eva Longoria thinks this story is complete bullshit as well, as there was a split second of “Oh my god, this is so horrendously ridiculous” in her expression.
“Yup. Complete bullshit.”
Miss Charlotte says that every doll has a story. Mrs. Humphries “has a music shop. And she teaches piano.” Are you. Freaking. Kidding me with this? Miss Charlotte says that even though dolls can’t talk, they still have histories, and Mrs. Humphries sister died around the same time that Miss Charlotte’s sister died. THEN Miss Charlotte asks Gabby what her doll’s story is. NOOOOOOO! Gabby says that Princess Valerie — the doll — was given to the wrong family as a baby, and then she finally found her way home, and then Princess Valerie never left the palace, and her real mom hid her so no one would take her away, and they were never separated, “ever again.” And Gabby packs the doll in a box and puts it on a shelf in her closet. Okay. Fine. Resolution. That sounds like a bookend to this abortion of a plot, right? It better be, because this little doll plot is literally the worst thing in this show I’ve ever seen. And I’m including Orson’s klepto stint, Katherine’s way-too-crazy mental breakdown, Beige Dave’s band (Blu Odyssey), Beige Dave’s obsession with the camping trip, and Beige Dave’s . . . well, just Beige Dave.
At bedtime, Tom comes in — sans thong, unfortunately — to apologize and tell Lynette that he could never find the right moment to tell her about he and Renee. Lynette’s all, In 20 years you never found time? Tom’s like, Should I have told you when Penny took her first steps or when you gave birth to another one of our what seems like 14 children? Tom says there were so many wonderful moments that he didn’t want to ruin one of them, and it’d be a shame if something meaningless 20 years ago “ruined this wonderful life that we’ve built together.” Awwwwww! Single tear.
Susan goes over to Sophie’s hotel room to talk to her. Susan apologizes for what she said yesterday, and Sophie says it’s okay because Susan has a lot on her mind. Susan says that the doctors are optimistic and she’s not worried. Sophie’s relieved. Susan says the good thing about a health scare is that it makes one think about what’s important, and it makes you think about all the things you need to say. Susan asks her mom why they don’t ever tell each other how they feel and oh my god I’m almost crying already! Sophie says they don’t need to because “we know how we feel.” Susan: “You’re right. You already know how much I love you. And you already know that any time I accomplish anything you’re the first person I want to call because I love making you proud. And you know that no matter how much you make me crazy, part of me enjoys it because it reminds me that nobody else has a mom like you.” Sophie: “Just like I don’t need to tell you that my life began the day you were born. And it’s been such a happy one.” How effing touching is that, you guys?
And then Susan ruined it by farting.
Sophie gets a call from her cab service, which is downstairs. Susan tells her that they need to take a vacation together some time, just the two of them (although, I think they should take Julie with them. And film it. Because that would be hilarious.). Sophie says they’ll absolutely do it when she gets back from her “cruise.” Oooohh, that’s so sad!
Well, it’s only going to get more touching, people, so strap yourselves in. Back at the Scavo household, Parker, Preston, and Porter are giving Penny some good-natured crap about having to go to her soccer game, and about each others’ sports abilities, and just basically letting the bro and sis guff fly. Tom and Lynette keep stealing glances at each other, and Porter tells Penny that of course they’re going to her game.
This episode is just a big bucket of Awwwww!
And then, just as your eyes are about to dry, Lynette grabs Tom’s hand under the table and gives it a squeeze.
If you haven’t teared up by this point, you are a robot. And you must be destroyed.
Seriously. The scene is so great, because it’s just the Scavo kids talking and laughing with each other, and Lynette and Tom are just sitting silently and looking at their family with complete love. Gotta say, these last two scenes are probably some of the best scenes I’ve seen from this show in a very long time. Or maybe last week’s episode was just so shitty that I’m starving for anything decent. But I don’t think so.
Let’s wash down that cryfest with something juicy, eh? Bree has the ladies over to her house for berries, pinwheels, and exactly four mini-quiches.
I wasn’t kidding.
Susan is glad they’re all there and says it feels like old times. And I agree — it does! And, just like old times, there has to be some delicious drama with plucky stringed instruments playing subtly in the background. This time, the drama happens when Bree tells the gals that she’s invited Beth over to join them. Everyone’s like, Whaaaaaa?! They say that Paul is a dick and caused a riot which caused Susan to lose a kidney. And Bree’s like, But she should not be accountable for the sins of her husband. Gabby: “Aw, crap, she’s been talking to her priest again.” Hee. Renee and her big hair agree with Bree. Seems Renee thinks the gals have a tendency to act like a bunch of mean girls. Which is true.
“You can only wear sweatpants on Fridays!!”
The doorbell rings, and it turns out it’s not Beth. It’s a flower delivery guy, with a nice bouquet for Bree. There’s no card, though Bree assumes they’re from Keith. Bree tells him to set them down in the living room while she goes into the kitchen to get a tip for him. She comes back out with his tip, and he leaves right as Beth arrives. Beth is nervous, but Bree says they will have a wonderful time.
Cut to the girls sitting around saying nothing. After about 3 seconds of silence, Bree, to Beth: “That IS a really good deal on potting soil.” Hee. After 3 more seconds, Beth’s like, “Well, I had a coupon.” After another 5 seconds of silence, Beth is ready to go, but Bree calls all the other gals to help in the kitchen. On the way out, Renee tells Beth that she knows someone who can “really help you out with that hair.” Hee.
“I suppose it could be more huge and Play-Doh-like . . .”
Aw, that was such an Edie Britt thing to say, Renee! Bree lays into the gals in the kitchen, and they all say that they just want to kick Beth’s ass. Essentially. Bree reminds them of the last time Paul Young’s wife was in pain and they ignored it.
Bree asks them if they want Beth to end up like Mary Alice. Everyone decides that Bree’s right, and then they decide to get the conversation flowing the good old-fashioned way: Wine. Atta girls. Beth sits down on the couch, but there’s something behind the throw pillow that’s bothering her . . . What could it be? A decorative tassle? A rogue peanut M&M?
Bree says that all her weapons are in a locker, but she does identify the gun as a .38 . . . which is the type of gun Paul was shot with. What?! Beth is like, Now I know why you wanted me to come over — “A gun that may have been used to shoot Paul was under my pillow and now has my fingerprints on it?” Then Lynette’s like, But it’s also highly convenient that we left the room and came back and then suddenly there’s a gun under your pillow. Touche, Lynette. Beth asks where she would possibly get a gun, and then Susan tells them that Beth pulled a gun on her on Halloween. You know, when Susan broke into her house and tried to beat the crap out of Paul, Beth adds. All the ladies stare at Beth, and she says that they’re all against her and trying to set her up. Beth leaves and says she’s calling the cops.
In bed, Bree is still thinking about what transpired with Beth. Keith has a boner, but Bree still can’t let it go. She says she’s a fool, but Keith tells her that she’s kind and that’s what he loves about her. Anyone else think they’re trying to make Keith the new Mike? I’m not going to stand for that, Cherry. I’m just not. Bree thanks Keith for the flowers he sent her, but Keith says that he didn’t send her any flowers. Bree wonders where they came from. Um, not to put a damper on this episode and the excellent scene we just saw, but where the hell is Orson? Wasn’t he still living with them as of last week? Oh, screw it, I just don’t care as much this time. Bring it home, Mary Alice!
She tells us again about passing by people and never looking at them, not wanting to see their sadness and longing and loneliness. She talks about times when we should stop and look at people, “because if we look closely enough, we just might recognize them.” While she says this, the flower delivery guy walks into an apartment, takes off a wig and his goatee, and –
STFU!! ZACH YOUNG!
Holy shit! Even though last week I totally knew Cody Kasch was coming back to play Zach, I COMPLETELY forgot about him and I was actually surprised! I didn’t see that coming, like, at all, and this time, folks, I’m not using sarcasm. Well. Let’s all raise our glasses to Mr. David Schladweiler, who has raised the bar this season, in my opinion. Good show, Schladweiler!
Next Week: Lynette’s mom is getting married, Keith says another girl’s name in bed, and Gabby and Carlos get carjacked? Say what?!