Desperate Housewives: The Most Important Lasagna Ever

This Week on Desperate Housewives: Lynette hugs Eddie a lot, which would be cool if he weren’t a strangler and junk; Angie depends on some classic Italian cuisine to get her out of a jam with eco-friendly nemesis Patrick Logan; Susan is a one-woman collection agency; and Bree decides to kick Sam’s cyborg ass to the curb.

Drea De Matteo once again has the recurring nightmare of the Stay Puft marshmallow man with Matt LeBlanc’s head chasing her down in Central Park.

Angie’s having some trouble sleeping, Mary Alice tells us. She keeps dreaming about her life and the choices she made — like dropping out of college, joining a group of eco-terrorists, falling in love with Patrick Logan, building him a bomb, agreeing to star on “Joey.” And now she’s ended up handcuffed to her bed. And not in the good Carlos-and-Bob-do-the-same-thing-to-me kind of way. Patrick comes in and talks their history, and about how noble it was for him to save a couple trees while killing someone. And then he asks Angie, “When did you stop loving me?” Angie says she never loved him, which Patrick thinks is a lie. Patrick’s like, You’re gonna make me another bomb, mmkay.? Uh-oh — watch out Starkist! Credits.

It’s a glorious day in Fairview. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and yet another dead person who lived on Wisteria Lane has been found buried in the park. Detective Booth has spent months on the case, but hasn’t had a breakthrough. Until today. Which is awesomely convenient given that this is the penultimate episode of the season. Good timing, Detective Booth! Meanwhile, over at the Scavo’s, Eddie’s digging in the garden.

“I wish I could remember where I buried my dignity!”

Lynette says that she needs to talk to him, and tells him how she went to see Alco-Mom to try to get her to therapy, but she wasn’t there and no one’s seen her for days. Eddie doesn’t think it’s a big deal because she’s off somewhere getting drunk and totally not decomposing because it’s not like she’s strangled or anything, I mean she’s totally alive, who said she wasn’t alive?!

At the Solis household, Carlos is leaving for his “business meeting,” which is just a nice way of saying that he’s meeting his male lover at the O’Hare Hyatt for some weekend fun. I’m sorry, Carlos, my flight is running late — I’ll be there soon. Turns out, he’ll be gone for his birthday. Boo! Gabby says that she’ll have his favorite lasagna waiting for him when he gets home, and Carlos is like, Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh or maybe we could go out. Gabby’s insulted that Carlos hates her lasagna, and I call b.s. on this because I highly doubt that Gabby’s ever made a lasagna in her life. But I’m going to hold my tongue and see if, oh, I don’t know, if this lasagna will be a major plot point in this episode. Yup. You heard me right, folks — lasagna will play a major role in this episode. I hear the lasagna actually got paid more for this episode than Dana Delany, and actually got to use her old trailer. Stupid lasagna, taking away precious Delaney lesbian screen time. Carlos leaves for his “business trip.”

“Aw, don’t pout. Hey! You wanna pull my finger one more time before I leave? No? Okay, smell ya later!”

“Damn, that one was rank.”

Oh my god, THE MOST exciting thing is happening over at Susan and Mike’s! Susan is totally going through piles and piles of papers regarding Mike’s finances! I just peed myself a little because I cannot. Take. The excitement! Susan’s been going over the invoices for three days and things just aren’t making sense to her.

In her defense, she spent the first two days looking at an Olive Garden menu before she realized her mistake. So those days are kind of a wash.

Susan says the payments aren’t covering what Mike’s billed, and Mike’s like, Duh — I’m not charging people because times are tough. That they are. Susan’s says that it’s time that people coughed up the money, and she says she’s going to be the one to make them do it. She proves this by fake crying and making Mike fall for it.

“Wow, sorry. Every orgasm you’ve ever had just flashed before my eyes.”

Back at Bree’s house, she, Andrew, and Orson are trying to figure out how to get rid of Sam. Just use a bunch of magnets to short circuit his memory card, guys! Sheesh. Andrew wants them to kick his ass, and Orson’s like, Oh okay — I’ll just use my freaking wheelchair ninja powers to subdue him, ya douche. Orson thinks Sam might respond to money, and Bree loves that idea.

Detective Booth and his partner or something (I don’t know, okay?) stop by Lynette’s for a little chat. They ask her about Irina, and Lynette’s like, “She’s a conniving grifter who put my son through hell.” The dicks tell Lynette that Irina’s been murdered, and then Tom comes and asks what’s happening, and when Lynette mentions Irina, Tom’s all, “That little bitch couldn’t get out of the country . . .” and then he feels like a schmuck when Lynette tells him that she was murdered. The cops want to talk to Preston since he was engaged to Irina. And I feel like an idiot now because I totally thought that Porter was the one engaged to her, and I’m about 65% sure I’ve been putting that information in all my recaps up to this point. But because I’m too lazy to check, we’re just going to move on.

Patrick’s got all the bomb equipment laid out on the kitchen table for Angie, but she says she’s not going to do it. Wow, Angie, rude. Way to be a good hostess. Patrick’s like, There’s a forest in Oregon that’s going to be clear-cut and we’ve got to stop them! Um. Okay. You guys, I hate to say this, but I’m finding this whole eco-terrorism plot –and also Patrick Logan — really lame. Actually, I didn’t hate to say that. It’s like the writers said, “Hey! Eco terrorism! No one’s done that before!” Yeah, and there’s a reason for that — it’s lame and boring. I’m sorry, but I’m finding it really difficult to find anything about Patrick Logan actually sinister. I mean, there was that one moment when he killed Angie’s mom’s neighbor, about a bajillion episodes ago, but since then it’s been all vanilla candles and Earth Day crap and I’m starting to believe that even I could kick this guy’s ass.

Anyway, Angie’s all sarcastic, So what does it matter if we kill a few people, right? Patrick: “Saving the world’s messy!” Hee. That wasn’t supposed to be funny, but it totally was. Angie tells Patrick that he’s a self-absorbed phony, and Patrick’s all, “I’m trying to save the planet!” Oh my god, STOP! It’s too unintentionally funny! Angie says that Nick was the one that actually saved her, and that Patrick will never be half the man he is. Patrick moves in to, I don’t know, give her tips on how to make shoes from hemp, when Gabby knocks on the door and yells that she needs a favor.

“Get rid of her! Or so help me god, I will plant an peach tree in India in your name!!”

Turns out Gabby needs a lasagna recipe. Patrick introduces himself as Angie’s brother, and then Angie shuffles off to get Gabby her lasagna recipe. While she’s in the kitchen reading the back of the Stouffer’s box and quickly writing it all down, Gabby notices all the bomb equipment, and Patrick says that Angie is . . . oh my god . . . fixing his “remote control” and giving it some more “juice.” Wow. Seriously, Patrick? That’s the best you could come up with? I mean, given that NOTHING on the table would even FIT in a remote control, that’s really, really, incredibly stupid. Now, if I were an eco-terrorist scented candle lover (and god-willing someday I will be)? I would have said, “Yeah, she’s building a new hard drive for me.” But whatever. Patrick says that Angie was an engineering major in college. Liar! Angie comes back and shuffles Gabby out the window.

“Who’s more of an idiot: This guy for telling me that ridiculous crap about the remote control, or me for believing it? Ha ha ha! I swear, I swear . . . Good times . . .”

Sam enters Bree’s office, and Bree lets him know that Rex set up a trust fund for Danielle and Andrew. Geez, Bree, rub it in. Rude. Rudeness. Bree thinks it’s only right that Sam should get a trust fund too, that way he can go to Sam’s Club and stock up on double d batteries to pack for his lunch every day. Bree hands him a check, and is all, Now that you have my money, I just want you to know how much I’ve appreciated what you’ve done for me, so don’t let the door hit ya on your metal asscrack on the way out, psycho. Sam’s all, “But . . . I like it here . . .” Sam thinks he’s part of the family, and Bree’s like, “Not really . . .” So Sam tears up the check, and says that he belongs there, because he’s a Van de Kamp. And he tells Bree that if she ever insults him again, she’s going to wish she hadn’t.

“All your base are belong to me.”

Susan “Sallie Mae” Delfino walks up to some poor schlub who’s raking leaves and tells him that she’s Mike’s wife, and she’s gonna need him to pay his bill from 4 months ago. Susan breaks out the fake waterworks, and gives him this whole schpiel about how she doesn’t have enough money for insurance and her son might get sick. And the guy’s like, “Well, kids bounce back.” Hee. Since that didn’t work too well for Susan, she decides to change tactics and go all Sears Mastercard on his ass (i.e., yelling and threats) and then he finally caves in and says he’ll write her a check.

And then we cut to Susan, now drunk on power, as she tells some other woman that she’s gonna need that sweet, sweet plumber money like, pronto. The lady wants to pay, but she just can’t because her mom had gall bladder or sex reassignment surgery or something, and because . . . she spends money on THIS:

Holy geez, Susan, forget about the money, just push, PUSH IT OVER ALREADY!

Instead, Susan grabs one of those tacky bastards and is all, Oh I just get so clumsy when people don’t pay my husband on time! And the lady caves. And then we cut to yet another lady, who can’t pay her bills, either, so Susan says she’ll take her watch instead.

Later that afternoon, Susan tells Mike that she’s collected a crap ton of money, and what she couldn’t get in cash, she got in swag. Including a menorah! Ha ha ha ha! Love. Susan says that she actually loved doing it and loved the rush bullying people gave her, and she wants to have sex RIGHT NOW! But Mike’s like, I totally have a boner and junk, but the IRS is moving up our deadline, so we’re kind of screwed right now. Mike! Two words! Male. Escort. And two more! For. Me. Susan says that she’s not gonna take this lying down, and she’s ready to take on the IRS with her new bully attitude. So she goes into the IRS with guns blazing . . . and things don’t go so well, since they decide that Susan’s kind of being bitchy and add on some extra penalties and stuff. Just for fun. Susan and Mike pull into their driveway, and don’t know what to do . . . so Susan suggests that they sell the house! Whaaaaa?! Nooo! I know that that’s kind of a stupid thing to get upset about, but it’s just so . . . it’s crazy! Susan’s a part of Wisteria Lane! Just like alcoholism, judgment, and horribly violent deaths! It wouldn’t be the same without her! Sad. Sadness.

Dang. Anyway, over at Bree’s, it’s time for afternoon tea. She’s invited some friends over as well — two ex detectives who owe Bree a favor because she catered their retirement parties. Um, I’m pretty sure that when you paid Bree for services rendered, that kind of took care of any favors you might owe her, but whatever. Sam’s like, “I’m not really a big ‘tea guy.’” Oh, so you throw a hissy when the store was out of cilantro, but you’re too manly for tea? Shut the hell up, Sam, you dumb robot. Bree invites the ex-dicks to tell him the story of how someone once tried to harass someone else, but they couldn’t do anything about it. Wink, wink. Not like today where they could beat the crap out of someone for doing the same thing. Wink, wink. Hint, hint. It is, to say the least, an awkward conversation.

“You got a real pretty face.”

Eddie decides that it might be a good thing if he moved back home for awhile, because Irina’s dead and he thinks the family might want to mourn her. Lame. Lynette’s all, Oh Eddie, you’re family — or at least you have been for these last 5 episodes when it only became integral to the plot for me to think so! Lynette says that Eddie’s welcome to come back when his mom gets better. They hug, and Eddie says that he can’t help but wonder how things would have been if Lynette had been his mom. Well, Eddie, it’s for damn sure that your name would have been Peter, or Paul, or Percival, or Poopy Pants. Cuz that’s how Lynette and Tom roll, my friend.

“Aw, Lynette, thanks for the hug — oh god, are you lactating? God, that’s so gro — okay. It’s — annnnnndd now you’re hugging me harder. No, that’s . . . that’s fine . . . that’s . . . Ew, okay . . . Oh god.”

In Susan’s kitchen, she breaks the news to all her friends that she and Mike have decided to rent out their house. Sad! Susan tells the ladies that it will just be for awhile, and in a good will gesture, the other ladies break out their checkbooks. Aw! But Susan tells them she doesn’t want their money. Boo! She goes on to say that she and Mike and M.J. are moving to an apartment close by. I can just see poor li’l M.J. sleeping in a pull-out couch that Susan and Mike had to buy at the Salvation Army while Susan puts her hair in a scrunchie on top of her head and makes yet another dinner of store brand macaroni and cheese with white bread as a side dish DON’T GO, SUSAN! I’m seriously bummed, y’all. And I know it’s redonkulously stupid for me to be this upset, but I can’t help it.

Back at Angie’s house, Angie awakes to find someone in her room and it turns out it’s Danny. Yeah, I probably could have played that one for suspense, but if I’m not gonna get it, I’m not gonna give it, Cherry. Turns out “Angie” texted Danny to get right home, but it turns out that Patrick was the one who texted Danny, and now Patrick’s plan of worldwide scented candle domination can begin. Mwahahahaha!

Bree’s washing some dishes at home when Sam shows up yet again to let her know that her ex-cop friends were right about threats. Sam says that he wants Bree to sign over her entire business and assets to him. Bree’s like, Fat chance Robo-Flop! But then Sam’s like, Remember when you had that welcome dinner for me? (I barely do, by the way.) It turns out that Danielle had a little too much to drink that night, and blabbed her stupid face all about that time (in season one) where Andrew hit Carlos’s mom with his car and killed her, and how the entire family covered it up. Now, if you’re thinking, “What?!! I didn’t know that! I totally need to see season one!” then you are correct, because it is awesome. For reasons including, but not limited to, the one Sam just mentioned. Plus the guys take their shirts off. Like, a lot. Anysnoochies, Sam is like, If you don’t want this news to get out to the police (and Carlos), then you should sign your crap over to me, okay ho?

At Angie’s again, Patrick’s tied up Danny and says, “When you’re ready, I want you and I to have a traditional father/son relationship.” Ugh. I am hating Patrick for all the wrong reasons, people. He’s not threatening, he’s just ridiculously stupid. And poorly, poorly written. Danny says that’s completely dumb, and that he’ll kill Patrick, and Patrick’s like, You should be mad at the guy who lied to you, not the guy who tied you up and threatened your mom into making a bomb and ran over the guy who’s raised you for 20 years. No, cuz lies are MUCH worse, Patrick. Douche. He goes downstairs and Angie’s like, Don’t hurt my son, a-hole! Patrick: “God, everybody makes me sound like such a villain.” Um, actually Patrick, no. No, they don’t. Angie says the bomb making would go a lot faster if she could use both hands.

“Yeah, I got some chicken parm in the detonator by accident. I tried to lick it out, but I think that just made it worse, so . . . my bad.”

Gabby “Gladys Kravitz” Solis just walks right in with her lasagna, and she really wants Angie to try it, and Angie’s like, I’ll just go cut a piece real quick! So she goes to the kitchen and decides to write a note for Gabby and hide it in the lasagna. Ah ha! I told you that lasagna would come in handy! Angie hands the lasagna back to Gabby and tells her that it was good, but she needs to take the lasagna back home because she’s on a diet. Gabby goes home and holds the lasagna for a second . . . before throwing it in the trash! Noooo! But it was a secret message lasaggggggnnnnnnaaaaa! Interesting fact: Lasagna is Italian for “incredibly lame plot point, but hey, what are you gonna do, huh?”

At the police station, the cops are done interrogating Preston, and they’ve cleared him of all charges, since now that he doesn’t have a mustache anymore he can’t possibly be a bad guy. Pshew! Great detective work, Fairview P.D.! Tom and Porter decide to take him out to shoot some pool, and Lynette overhears the cops saying that they found a second dead lady in the woods — Alco-Mom! Curiouser and curiouser . . .

It’s night, and Juannie Sue and Cecelia apparently got the hankerin’ for some 8 hour old trash can lasagna. A.) Gross. And B.) I’ve totally done that. Multiple times. Not with lasagna, but I have thrown many a food (always in containers!) away because I yell to myself, “I just don’t need to eat that!” only to hear it calling it’s trashy siren song to me as I lay in bed. Oh ha — Cecilia totally almost gags on the note and spits it out!

Yay! Fortune lasagna! Turn it over for your lucky numbers!

Lynette added two and two together at the police station . . . and came up with 5. Or 73. Because she goes over to Eddie’s house to tell him the sad news about his mom, but Eddie’s like, She’s down in Florida so I’m gonna go down there and straighten her out! And Lynette is all, Oh thank god, they must have gotten that strangled woman’s name wrong because they said it was your mom. Oh, Lynette. Poor misguided, pregnant as hell Lynette. She finally gets things figured out, but by that time, Eddie’s already locked the door. Okay, so that’s kind of suspenseful, and you just KNOW that Lynette’s going to go into labor next week, so you know what? As sad as it is? I’m very excited for that. Mary Alice blahs and then a title card pops up that says “To Be Continued . . .” Which is actually kind of asinine since each episode is a continuation of the previous one anyway. Right? I can’t believe there’s only one episode left!

Next week: Gabby helps Angie; Susan and Mike move out(!); Bree considers telling Carlos about Andrew running over his mom (like Carlos needs ANOTHER excuse to gay bash); and Lynette totally goes into labor while being held hostage by Eddie. AND! Someone from the past returns to Wisteria Lane! — I totally got that from Wikipedia, but unfortunately, it also told me who the guest star is and now I won’t be surprised and I’m kind of pissed about that. Will it be Betty Applewhite?! Only time will tell . . .