Desperate Housewives: Throw Momma From the Lane

This week on Desperate Housewives:  Renee hosts a Halloween party for all the grown ups on Wisteria Lane; Lynette tries to convince Tom that his mom is one taco short of a fiesta platter; Bree and Keith learn extremely lame secrets about each other; Susan feels the repercussions of Paul’s blackmail schemes; and Beth continues to keep her legs firmly closed together.

And we learn that the sideways profile is not really Paul’s most flattering angle.

Mary Alice tells us that Paul is frustrated.  Well, mostly Paul’s wiener is frustrated, because Beth isn’t putting out.  She’s locked up tighter than a vault at Ft. Knox.  She’s more frigid than winter in Greenland.  She’s more wooden than laminate flooring.  Paul’s tried plying her with the alcohols, and he even bought them an “instructional” DVD.

P.S. It didn’t really help.

 

So, he decides to take them to couples therapy, where Beth tells the therapist that she didn’t really think that Paul would get out of prison, and she’s not really interested in the other parts of marriage.  The sexual ones.  Because she’s a virgin.  Paul calls bullpoopy on that one, and Beth says she was saving herself for marriage.  Paul’s all, Ummmmm, so you’re actually married.  TO ME.  The therapist says that maybe it would be good for their marriage if they dated each other, and got to know each other a little bit more.  Right, because Paul’s life is chock full of happy times and funny stories about, I don’t know, murder and blackmail.  Charming.  Paul tells Beth that until he gets some of the Big V, they’re going dutch on their dates.  I don’t see how wearing wooden shoes and eating hash brownies can help their relationship, but whatevs.  Credits.

It’s Halloween on Wisteria Lane.  And, everywhere else, actually.  Well, it was a couple days ago.  Anyway, Mary Alice’s patented metaphor this week?  Fear and scary things.  And in order for you to get to know me better, here’s what I am afraid of:

Yup.  Horses.  Nothing bad involving horses has ever happened to me.  But.  They will smell your fear and kick you in the head and you will die.

One of the twins is scared of siblings in ape masks or something, and Lee totally doesn’t like plastic spiders.

Oh, Lee.  As if the shirt itself wasn’t gay enough . . .

And Carlos is the scariest thing of all:  An investment banker.

Renee decides that everyone needs to come to her Halloween party.  Turns out that she and her ex had Halloween parties in NYC, and she figures that she might as well have one on Wisteria Lane, “Even though the food’s not as good and the company is far less interesting.”  Hee.  She’s totally Black Edie, but I’ll take it.  Someone’s gotta take these hifalutin’ housewives down a peg or two.  Gabby says that she’ll bring the kids, and Renee’s all, Yeeaaah, no kids cuz they suck and you can’t swear in front of them.  Allison comes in to tell Lynette that she needs some hand cream, and before Lynette leaves to get it, she tells Allison to make sure Paige is awake by 3pm.

Meanwhile, Susan tells Mike about her job, and shows him the website.

“I don’t know what’s more shocking — that you’re cleaning our apartment in your undies, or that you’re trying to wash the dishes with the Swiffer WetJet.”

Mike says he should have taken that job in Alaska, because if he’d been taking care of the family, Susan wouldn’t have to whore herself out.  Susan says that it’s not Mike’s fault at all, and then she tells him about Paul’s blackmail.  Mike grabs a wrench and goes to bust a hole in Paul’s head, but Susan convinces him not to.  She says she has another idea to get Paul back.

Juanita’s over at Grace’s house, and while they’re playing, Juanita finds the necklace that Gabby gave Grace secretly last week.  When Grace runs out, Juanita steals the necklace, and later tells her mom that Grace stole the necklace so she stole it back.  Gabby tells Juanita that she gave it to Grace as a gift.

Lynette’s back from the store with the hand cream!  Yay!  Oh, what a fantastic ending to a tension-filled plot line!  Allison says she didn’t wake Paige because Lynette totes never told her to do that.  (Lynette totes did.)  So Lynette’s grumbling about how Paige won’t get to sleep tonight, and how much that sucks, and then Allison flies off the handle and is all, Stop yelling at me!  She totally flips out, and Lynette’s all, Calm down and drink your juice, Shelby.  Drink your juice.

Susan brings over a batch of muffins or scones or something to Paul.  She really appreciates how great of a tenant he is . . . until she spies a calendar tacked up to the wall with a thumb tack.  Which is clearly a violation of his lease agreement, so Susan needs him to vacate the house in 60 days.  Paul says he’ll call Mike and let him know about her “cleaning fetish,” but Susan says he already knows.  And to prove that Mike will kick Paul’s ass if he tells anyone else, she ruins a perfectly good raisin muffin (raisin muffin?  Who the hell makes raisin muffins?) with a hammer.

Bree is going to see Keith’s apartment for the first time, and she’s bracing herself for the worst.

Which would be this.

But she’s pleasantly surprised that it’s clean and tastefully decorated, instead of strewn with empty Gatorade bottles, a bong, and questionably used Maxim magazines.  He even has potpourri.  Oh, and he also has a roommate, Mimi.  She’s hot and Asian.  Bree is shocked.  Shocked!

“Why is there a minority in your apartment?”

At the Oakridge School haunted house, Beth’s kind of surprised that Paul chose this for a first date.  Ah, but there’s a reason, Beth.  While she’s getting some pumpkin loaf, Paul tells another parent that he has some information about a teacher named Mrs. Delfino.  Oh crap.

Lynette’s up with Paige, since Paige can’t sleep, and when she goes to put away Allison’s hand cream, she notices that Allison already has a suitcase full of hand cream.  Hand cream!  So, she wakes Tom up to tell him that his mom is completely batty and forgetful and has Hulk-like mood swings.  Tom says that it’s because she’s in a new place and that Lynette needn’t worry.  The next morning, Tom has some coffee with his mom, and she   reminds him of the time he went to summer camp and he thought a hurricane had killed his family, and there was a mean counselor who wouldn’t let him call home — but Allison reminds him that he actually did call home.

“Oh!  And I just remembered that I french kissed Petey Walsh in the arts and crafts teepee and oh my god why did I just say that?!”

After Allison goes to get dressed, Tom tells Lynette that it’s great news because she’s remembering things that Tom himself doesn’t remember (that’s great, but she could also totally be making that shit up, Tom).  Lynette’s sort of unsure about that.  You see, she’s been doing some research (i.e., 5 minutes on Wikipedia) and there’s this thing called “sundowning” where people with dementia don’t show signs until the evening.  (This is real. I spent 1 minute doing research on Wikipedia, so at least the writers are using their wireless internet in the writer’s room this week.)  Tom’s all, Shut up there’s nothin’ wrong with my mommy you bastard!  Lynette’s taken aback.

Over at David Silver’s place, it’s morning and Mimi asks Bree if she wants some tea.  Bree also wants an explanation, and Mimi tells her that she has nothing to worry about, because Keith lurves Bree.  Mim asks Bree to give Keith his mail when he wakes up.  And then this:

Not gonna lie — I thought that this letter said “collections” and felt like an idiot like two minutes later.

Bree goes to see Renee and asks her if she ever thought that Keith was acting “crazy.”  Renee says that Bree’s the crazy bitch (word), but Bree asks her about why Keith has an assault record.  Renee says that she found out from a bartender that some guy was hitting on Keith’s girl and he got all up in the dude’s grill about it.  Renee tells Bree that if she wants to find out if Keith is violent, then she should have another dude hit on her and see how he reacts.  Or start a fight with him and see if he punches her in the face.  Well played, Renee.

Gabby made Grace’s princess costume, and she’s getting dressed at Gabby’s house.  She says it’s the first time she’s ever made a costume, so I’m sure her kids feel great about that.  Grace says that Gabby is the coolest mom ever.  Juanita comes out in her dog costume and it’s cute, and Grace looks pretty, so Juanita’s jealous and wants to be a princess too.  Didn’t mommy tell you that chubby girls can’t be princesses?  I’m sure she did.

Over at the school, Susan’s dressed as a doll, or maybe she’s just wearing the latest Betsey Johnson collection.  I don’t know.  Either way — kind of hideous.  She’s telling the kids that they can make their construction paper pumpkins however they want, when she’s interrupted by the secretary, who tells her the principal needs to see her. Oh dear.

Back at the apartment, M.J. and Mike are all ready for trick-or-treating, when Susan comes home to break the bad news that she got fired.  Susan says she’ll find another job, and then Mike calls his friend about the Alaska job!  Mike!  You can’t go!  At least make the phone call with your shirt off!

Beth and Paul get back from their date.  It was probably at the Olive Garden, because I bet Beth LOVES the Olive Garden.  She tells Paul that when he talks about his past, she finds him very charming.  He tries to kiss her, but Beth pulls away.  And then when he tries a second time, she slaps him.  Paul tells her that he wants her gone by the end of the week.

Time for trick-or-treating!  Carlos is dressed as a cowboy sheriff or something, Penny’s dressed up as a 1950s teeny-bobber or something, and Allison got lazy and just stuck some wings on the back of her shirt.  Meanwhile, it’s time for Renee’s grown-up party.  Renee’s dressed up as Marilyn Monroe, but Keith thinks she’s Michelle Obama.  Really?  So you’re telling me that Keith, who is at the very least 35 years old, has never heard or seen Marilyn Monroe?  I’m sure that’s supposed to be some joke about how young he is, but I’m sorry Cherry — that dog won’t hunt.

Allison’s almost out of candy, but Tom says he has some more laying around the house, so there’s no need to go out and get some.  Gabby brings Juanita, Celia, and Grace to the Scavo house for some candy, and Allison thinks that Grace is Gabby’s daughter.  Looks like Allison just picked a big bouquet of oopsie-daisies!  After they’re gone, Allison again says that they’re out of candy, and Penny’s like, Yeah, I’m pretty sure we have some more here.  But Allison runs out to head to the store.  So, a person with dementia wandering around on Halloween?  Sounds like a good plan to me.

“And once again, I am the only responsible person in this entire family.”

Lee arrives to Renee’s party, and this happens:

Great.  Now there are two Michelle Obamas.

Some douche in a football costume hits on Bree because she’s wearing a cheerleading costume, and Bree yells at Keith to come over and help her out.  But even after the dude leaves, Keith goes over to the d-bag and makes him apologize to Bree, and then he grabs him by the jersey and, I don’t know, almost punches him or something.  Keith runs out and tells Bree that he’s been arrested twice for stuff like that, and that Bree should break up with him because she’s perfect.  Oh, Keith.  Keith, Keith, Keith.  Poor, misguided Keith.  She tells him that she used to be an alcoholic.  Seriously?  This hasn’t come up before?  Haven’t they been to restaurants?  Wouldn’t Bree have said something when she ordered a diet coke when he ordered a beer?  Also, was Bree drinking alcohol at the club with Renee a couple weeks ago?  Ugh, I give up.  I just . . . I just give up.  They agree that since they’re both crazy lame-os that they’ll stay together.  At least until sweeps.

Penny tells Tom that his mom went out for some candy, and Tom runs out to find him, and I guess the entire population of Fairview decided to go trick-or-treating on Wisteria Lane because there are about 10,000 people on the street.  Tom frantically searches for Allison, but he doesn’t see her sitting on the curb.

Tinkerbell reflects back on her life.  And it is not pretty.

Grace and Juanita go through their candy while Gabby tries to cut gum out of Celia’s costume.  Celia’s not really enjoying this.  Gabby gives Grace a hug, which makes Juanita a little jelly.  When Grace says that she can’t get the tiara out of her hair, Juanita comes up with a brilliant solution:  Scissors.

Lynette, dressed as a sexy flapper girl, gets a call from Carlos — apparently Allison ended up on Carlos’ porch.  Allison was looking for Claire Graham, who doesn’t live on Wisteria Lane.  She yells at Lynette and then slaps her.  Tom saw all of this by the way.  Oh, the pain of realization!

Beth’s on the phone with her “mama,” telling her about what’s happened, and Beth says that she’ll try to make things work.

Lee runs up to Susan and tells her that Paul really wants to buy the house, and he knows that she’s recently run into some financial trouble.  Susan puts two and two together and realizes that Paul was the one responsible for getting her fired.  So, being the rational creature that Susan is, she grabs M.J.’s caveman bat — he’s a caveman or possibly Bam-Bam for Halloween — and heads right on over to Paul’s house, where she proceeds to break a lot of his breakables.  And just when she’s about to club him unconscious, Beth appears on the stairs.  With a gun.  Beth says she doesn’t care what he’s done — he’s her husband.  She cocks the gun and tells Susan to get out of the house.  And then Beth totally macks on Paul.

“I saw violent things happening and it gave me incredible lady boner, so let’s effing do it!”

Gabby yells at Juanita for cutting Grace’s hair, and Juanita’s like, You freaking like Grace better than me — you gave her that necklace and I can’t even touch your jewelry!  Carlos of course overheard this, and tells Gabby that they need to stay away from Grace for awhile.  Gabby says she’ll just back off a little bit.

Dammit, Mike’s packing to leave for Alaska!  No!  Why, Cherry, why?  Unless James Denton is filming a direct-to-DVD movie (again), why does he have to leave?  And with his shirt on?!

Meanwhile, a car’s ready to take Allison to the “assisted living” place.  Tom assures her that it’s a beautiful place with flowers and lots of people.  And nurses that will steal your jewelry while you sleep.  Allison doesn’t want to go because she knows she’ll never be able to leave, and Tom says that if something bad happened to her at home, he’d never be able to forgive himself.  She leaves, and Tom and Lynette hold hands.  Sad.  Sadness.

Mary Alice tells us that we all need to find out what we’re afraid of.  Like placing moms in nursing homes, or daughters finding out they have other parents, or being sent away by your psycho husband, or saying goodbye to a hunky husband who should always walk around with his shirt off.

Next week:  Susan may be Lynette’s nanny?  Bree’s having hot flashes?  Bob’s always had a crush on Carlos and CARLOS AND BOB MAY SLEEP TOGETHER!?  I’m serious!  I doubt that will happen, but oh my god, they’re teasing me with that and I’m loving it.  Loving it!