Desperate Housewives: Juanita Gets Her Bit

This week on Desperate Housewives, Bree is now Martha Stewart, Katherine is now bitter(er), Lynette is now Lynette, Edie is now back, Susan is now Gabby, and Gabby’s now “fat.”

And still, people keep running over on time and robbing McClutzky of her bits. HEATHENS!

Okay. So if you don’t know the deal with season 5 of DH, here it is: It’s 5 years after the finale of season 4. I have to admit, I was really apprehensive about this change, but after watching the season premiere, I will say this: I am really apprehensive about this change. Yeah. You’ll see. Let’s get this bitch on the road!

Mary Alice voice-overs that 5 years ago, Susan gave birth to a son. Lila Dash also gave birth to a little girl at the same time. And Mike is the father of both babies! No, no, he’s not. I was lying. Anyway, over the years, these two crazy gals were always at the same place at the same time, but they never actually met. Kind of like Elton John and good taste. Boo-yah! Susan’s little boy is cute. Is he cute enough to replace Julie Meyer? Yes, thinks Marc Cherry. Bye, Julie. I guess someone else is going to have to raise your mom now.

One night, however, as Susan and Mike were on their way to a fancy restaurant to celebrate their anniversary, Susan and Lila ran into each other. Literally. In their cars. Susan’s truck flips over and rolls onto the road. Lila’s slumped against the steering wheel, but who cares about a dead non-speaking role? I sure don’t. Susan crawls out of the truck, just scratched and bruised (yay!). But I do hope that she bruised her throat on the dashboard, rendering it impossible for her to do those little squeals that no one likes. No one thinks it’s cute, Susan! Mike, however, lays bloody and slumped on the road. Oh, thanks, Cherry. First a coma, now this. I swear, if Mike dies, then I demand that at least one shirtless photo of him must be shown per episode. Susan screams, “Miiiikkkkke!” in a very Charlton-Heston-damn-dirty-ape kind of way. He was our Mike, Cherry! You blew him up! YOU BLEW HIM UP! Credits.

Ok, we have a few extra minutes. Do your bit. Go on! Do it! Nothing? K. Moving on.

Mary Alice blahs about ch-ch-changes. Lynette’s twin boys are now 16-year-old Matt Damons. Seriously. Bree is now more business-y. You can tell because she snaps her cell phone shut real fast-like. And she has glasses. Gabby is now ugly and fat. Or, since it’s Desperate Housewives, “ugly” and “fat.” She’s in a dressing room with her daughter, Juanita, who I can best describe as portly.

Juanita’s dress doesn’t fit, and then the sales girl is all bitchy about how the store doesn’t have Juanita’s size. It’s okay, though. I have a feeling Juanita will be back with Richard Gere’s credit card, and then she can say, “You work on commission, right? Big mistake. Big. Huge.” Speaking of mistakes, Juanita rips the dress. It’s off screen, so I’m assuming that’s what happened with the gigantic ripping noise. It was either that or the sound of Carlos ripping off his shirt and pants, and then turning to me, his arms wrapping around my . . . Wait. Sorry. That was in my head, not on ABC.com.

Cinderfuckinrella

In Bree’s kitchen, she’s at a photo shoot for one of her pies or something. Since it’s television, the photographer is British and bitchy. The photo shoot is not going well, so Bree throws a hissy and takes a break. In walks Katherine Mayfair. You know, the lady who accidentally killed her daughter then bought a Romanian baby to take her place? Ah, motherhood. So simple and beautiful.

Bree and Katherine are partners in the catering business now, although it seems Bree wants to focus more on becoming the new Martha Stewart. Bree apologizes for taking so much time to pose for a book cover and Katherine says, “It’s fine. If there’s one thing you’re good at, it’s posing as a chef.” Oh, snap! These ladies may be 65, but they can still shove the sass! Aw, but Bree dedicated her cookbook to Katherine. What a nice way to placate and undermine your friend. Bitchy British photographer bitches to Bree again. She asks Andrew, who is apparently so over the sociopathic thing and is now into being his mom’s gopher, if there’s another pie. There is. Uh-oh, Bree. Whatchu doin’ with that pie? The bouncy music tells me that she just may throw it at the photographer! Oh, the hilarity! Pies are funny.

Five years later, Bree’s eyes have been lifted all the way past the back of her neck. Pies? YAY!

Meanwhile, it’s after hours at Scavo’s (Tom and Lynette’s’ restaurant). Lynette opens the door to find The Damons running an illegal amateur casino. One of them (Preston? Porter? Parker? Penny? Pac-man?) enters with some tequila shots. Uh-oh! Those Scavo boys! Lynette obviously puts the kibosh on this mishegoss but quick, and grounds them for two weeks. Two whole weeks. Wow, Lynette, that’s really reasonable for, you know, breaking like 4 laws. But The Damons will have to miss the big homecoming dance! Lynette’s all, B.F.D., ya bastards. I loved homecoming dances. Nothing like holding a girl’s waist at arm length while avoiding any type of eye contact. Ah, good ole MHS.

At Susan’s house, she is just finishing having sex with Gale Harold, the guy who played Brian in Queer As Folk. You remember Queer As Folk, right? The show that wasn’t funny enough to be a comedy yet was way too over-the-top and ridiculous to be considered a serious drama? But hey, who needs quality writing and plot/character development when you can see ass and penis all the time. Worst. Show. Ever. And you know what? I really don’t like Gale Harold. There. I said it. Anysnooch, after the lovin’, Susan kicks him out of bed, telling him to get out of the house. He bitches about how it’s been four months and he wants to meet her friends and her son and blah blah blah. Whatever. Susan likes what they have, which is pretty much just sex. Kind of like what Carlos and I have, although he holds me afterwards. Where the hell is Carlos anyway?! Geez, Cherry. You’re gay. Bring on the beef.

If Queer as Folk was shot today, Teri would be in the Sharon Gless role. Put a red wig on the poor thing and watch her go.

There’s a knock on someone’s door, and an old man answers. A tall, blond stranger offers him a fat wad of cash to leave his house tonight. The old man, who apparently rents, says that the landlady would be mad and argues with Mr. Mysterious, who (gasp!) knows him by name. Dude, just take the cash! I swear, if someone knocked on my door and offered me thousands of dollars to move, I’d say, “Hell yeah!” And then I’d say, “Don’t look in the shoebox under my bed.” Mr. Mysterious creepily threatens the old man until he finally caves and leaves. Mr. Mysterious walks to his car and says, “It’s all taken care of, Mrs. Williams.” First of all, if you’re going to name your car, “Mrs. Williams” sounds kind of lame, dumbass. Second of all, it’s not Knight Rider, dude, it’s a Cutlass Supreme. Oh, wait wait wait, sorry. Apparently he’s talking to someone IN the car, not the car itself, as the window rolls down to reveal . . . Edie. Oh, don’t act all shocked. She calls him Mr. Williams, so yeah, they’re married. So far? New season? Not impressed.

Why Edie, orange makes you look almost non suicidal. Good for you!

Mary Alice is back and tells us Edie’s getting up to make a big splash in the neighborhood, and sure enough, an almost naked Edie is washing her car. Lynette spies her and calls the posse, and they all come over to Edie’s for orange juice and judgment. Apparently, Edie’s husband, Dave, is a motivational speaker who met her in Vegas. After a couple of Edie’s double-entendres, the gals decide to throw a party at Scavo’s for her return. Edie then asks Gabby what the hell happened to her, and when Gabby says she had two kids, Edie replies, “For breakfast?” Hee. I love Edie. That peroxide whore speaks the truth. But Dave tells her she’s being insensitive, and Edie apologizes to Gabby. Wha? No, Edie, no! Also, I thought Lynette was in remission, but it totally looks like she’s wearing a wig. Maybe the stress of the mysterious disappearance of her other son and daughter made her go prematurely bald. Parker and Penny, wherefore art thou?

This is your agent. Transamerica 2 is a no go. You can be a woman again.

Finally! Carlos! He’s a bit grayer, and still blind, and in a track suit, but damn. Still yummy. Speaking of yummy, Carlos is slathering cheese all over a bowl of brussels sprouts for his daughters. This is not the first time I’ve used the words “slather” and “Carlos” in the same sentence, just so you know. Usually “his body” replaces “cheese” and “my body” replaces “bowl of Brussels sprouts.” He and Gabby argue over Juanita’s weight, Gabby suggesting that Carlos has fat genes. Um, Gabby? Your husband is hot and blind. Why are you complaining about anything? Sheesh.

Tom Scavo buffs his new red vintage Mustang (?) convertible, sadly, with his shirt on. I’m assuming they bought this car with the money they received from selling their other two children. Where the hell are Parker and Penny?! Great continuity, Cherry. Really great. Tom says that he’ll talk to The Damons about the poker/tequila thing. But really, all he does is brag about how sweet the poker ring was. Lynette accuses him of thinking that The Damons are “cool,” and he’s harking back to his uncool high school days, where he played the trombone in marching band (hey! It was cool when I did it!) and was a loser, and now vicariously he’s cool because of The Damons. Tom tells Lynette that she’s wrong, that he handled the situation, and also he played tuba. Not trombone. Suck on that, Lynette! You know what would be innovative for this new season of changes? If Lynette came up with some crazy scheme to get back at Tom and therefore make him learn a lesson and then submit to her will. That would be something really fresh, something we’ve never seen before. Except all the time.

Luuuuucccyyyy!!!

I think it’s cool that we can watch episodes for free online now, but I gotta tell ya ABC – mix it up with the damn commercials. If I have to hear that stupid Barry Manilow Band-Aid jingle one more time, I’m going to beat you so hard you’ll need a whole damn crate of those bastards to stop the bleeding.

At Juanita’s friend’s Pretty Pretty Pink Princess Party (sadly, Preston and Porter could not attend, due to alliteration overload), she digs into a slice of cake bigger than my ass. Gabby reprimands her, only to find that it’s Juanita’s second piece. I feel kind of bad for the girl who plays Juanita, as her childhood’s going to revolve around a series of fat jokes. But buck up, kiddo – as Natalie Green once said, “Who wants to be a skinny pencil? I’d rather be a happy magic marker!” Word, Natalie. Word.

Gabby overhears two women talking about Juanita behind her back. One of the women is the black woman who took Betty Applewhite’s spot after she moved away. Racial diversity, thy name is Wisteria Lane. Dude, Eva Longoria Parker’s face looks kind of bumpy in close-up. I’m sad! I miss pretty Gabby! Wah! The women bitch about how Gabby just lets Juanita eat anything she wants and is a bad mom. Oh, right. Like these bitches don’t pound a bottle of white zin before driving their kids to a soccer game.

Do something positive and inject some of Juanita’s butt fat into your forehead. And wear less poofy sleeves. Who stole my Gabby?

Back at Casa de Susan, Gale Harold is painting Susan’s house. He wants to have the sex, so he takes off his coveralls. Ew. They make out, but Lynette bursts in, wanting to bitch about Tom. Oh no! She’ll see Gale Harold naked! Cover your eyes, Lynette! But no, he’s fled out the open window. Do window screen salespeople just skip Wisteria Lane? This is, though, a nice little shout-out to the series premiere, where John Rowland jumped out Gabby’s window naked. Have Gabby and Susan switched roles? I swear, if I hear Gabby do the Susan Squeal, I am done, DONE, Cherry!

Susan hugs Lynette in an attempt to shield her from the coveralls, which she throws out the window to Jackson (that’s Gale’s character’s name. I had to search Wikipedia to find it. You’re welcome). And now, the best part of tonight’s episode: As the gay couple, Bob (YUM) and Lee (slightly yum) sit on their porch, Jackson puts on his coveralls in the yard next door. But not before Lee breaks out his cell phone and takes a picture of Jackson’s almost naked body! Hee! So funny. These dudes better have more storylines this season, Cherry, because last season? Not so much. And we better see them shirtless. With Carlos. And Mike. And sometimes Tom. And Jackson can paint Susan’s house. With the blinds shut. Once things have calmed down and Lynette is gone, Jackson once again brings up the fact that Susan won’t let him get close to her. And why is that bad, Jackson? If you do get close, she’s just going to make your dog choke on her earring or drive your car into a lake. Susan, though, is oddly adamant about keeping him at a distance, emotionally. Hmmm . . .

I think that guy’s had sex with like eight hundred guys on Showtime. Let’s tell Suz!

Back at Pretty Pretty Pink Princess Party, things have wound down. Gabby suggests taking Juanita to the park instead of going home to watch cartoons. Like any kid would rather do that. Unless there’s a tornado slide! Those things are freaking awesome. Juanita wants no part of the fresh air. Gabby watches two little girls running and begins to hatch an evil plan. As she pulls the car up to the sidewalk, she tells Juanita that she’s invented a new game, and the winner gets a doll. The game consists of Gabby driving the car a little bit down the road and making Juanita run to catch up to her, then pulling it away from Juanita again. Cruel? Maybe. Hilarious? Kind of.

Poor America Ferarra! You have your own show and still you get treated like dirt. SUE, GIRL! SUE!

Oh, I guess we’re back to Bree. She’s frosting cupcakes. They look so good. Bree’s forehead, however, does not. You have bangs for a reason, sweetie. Katherine walks in and tells Bree that she’s read the book, and that Bree stole recipes from her, which Bree denies. Katherine says that there’s some fancy-ass cake in the book (with spun sugar. The cake, not the book. That would be weird.) that Bree can’t even make. Veiled insults are heard and thrown, and Katherine leaves in a huff.

Gabby and Juanita are still playing their “game,” much to Juanita’s dismay. Until, that is, a city bus pulls up. When the doors open, Juanita enters, and glares at her mom while the bus drives away. Gabby punches it and chases after her.

Where the hell is that school bus going in the middle of a Saturday? Or is the bday party on a school day. What’s happening in this damned neighborhood?!?

Lynette and Tom tell The Damons that they can go to the homecoming dance after all. In, Lynette adds, Tom’s convertible. Atta girl, Lynette. Tom is confused and shocked. The audience? Not so much.

Bree is filming something for one of the big Fairview news channels. Katherine is there, doing all the work. But while Katherine is boiling water, she gets a “wrist sprain.” Lame. Katherine, it seems, was about to put the spun sugar netting on the crook-um-boosh. I don’t know what the hell she said, but I did my best. The “cake” looks like someone took a box of Dunkin Donuts Munchkins and them formed them into a pyramid. So who will create the spun sugar netting now? Bree steps in, but while whisking, some boiling sugar ends up flying into the reporter’s eye. Martha Stewart would never do that. On accident.

At Gabby’s house, Carlos tells her she was being mean and humiliating to Juanita for making her run after the car. Also, Carlos has his shirt on. What the eff, Cherry? They argue and Gabby ends up wishing for the days when she was pretty, and how she’s glad Carlos can’t see her. Awww. Being “ugly” though, is doing wonders for Eva Longoria Parker, because she’s much more heartbreaking and believable now than she ever was before. In season 2, when that stripper stole her baby back from you, and you were sad and crap, I wasn’t buying it, Eva. But now? Good stuff. Carlos comforts her and says she’ll always be beautiful. Awwww. Take it off, Carlos.

You’re forgiven. Just please never make another movie.

Bree is having spun sugar web issues, and gives up, the web turning into some gunky mess. Geez, Bree, you’re worthless. Worthless! Katherine, though, offers to save the day. Her wrist is suddenly better. Crafty, that one.

The Damons are past curfew. Tom paces on the porch, all pissed. Lynette comes out to talk to Tom, having just returned from the basement where she fed Porter and Penny a bucket of fish heads before locking them in for the night. Where are your other kids, Lynette!? Ridiculous, Cherry. Tom says there better not be a scratch on that car, because he put a lot of time into it. Lynette remembers a time when he spent all day on the internet looking for a gearshift knob. She says that was the “worst anniversary ever.” Oh, worse than a car wreck, Lynette? I think Susan’s got the leg up on the Worst Anniversary Contest. They argue about the “cool” thing again, and blah blah Lynette wears the pants blah. The Damons pull up and talk about hot girls, but Tom yells at them about rules and consequences and grounds them for a month. The Damons are all, “You were just worried about your car!” But Tom proves them wrong as he kicks the rearview mirror clean off the car door. Take that, Damons! But it’s cool – that mirror was scratched anyway, he tells Lynette. Oy.

It’s time for Edie’s party at Scavo’s. Hey! It’s Orson! Yay! I forgot about him! He can walk around with his shirt off too. Orson’s doing karaoke. It’s cute. I heart Orson. Oh! Mrs. McCluskey! Yay! Edie introduces McCluskey to her husband. McCluskey: “How’d you two meet? You run a free clinic or something?” Ha! Susan spies Jackson at the bar. Oh my god, his bangs piss me off. Susan tells him to leave. Edie raises her glass to the gals (minus Katherine, who I thought was going to be a main one this year) and accepts their “apology” for kicking her out of the neighborhood in May. I mean 5 years ago. They’re all, “this is a ‘we forgive you’ party.” You know, for being an evil skank. Uh oh. Dave steps in and pulls Edie away before the shit hits.

Did McCluskey get her bit in?

McCluskey tells Susan that her painter is singing karaoke, which he is, albeit not very well. Susan, in her haste to the stage, makes gay neighbor Bob spill his beer on his shirt. Uh oh Bob – better take off that shirt, drive over to Carlos’s house, and make out with him! I’d sure hate for that stain to set in. Susan runs to the kitchen and shuts off the power. People act disappointed, but I don’t know why – they can’t see or hear Gale Harold, so what’s the big? I’m happy. In the alley, Jackson ONCE AGAIN talks about how Susan won’t introduce him to anyone and how they can’t be out as a couple. He says he could make her happy, but Susan says that maybe she doesn’t deserve to be happy. Wha? She explains (finally) that a few years ago there was an accident.

And then we immediately cut to Edie and Dave. Swear to god, Cherry, your ass is like 3 inches away from being kicked. Edie didn’t want to come back to Wisteria Lane, but Dave says that they can be happy there. “We need these people to like us,” he says, because it will “make everything easier.” Hmmm . . .

Five years later, Mr. Potter is one hot SOB with spiritual training.

Jackson tells Susan that it was an accident, not her fault. I’m assuming he’s talking about her outfit, because people haven’t worn silk shirts since 1993. And it’s . . . what, 2013 in Fairview now? Well, maybe they come back in fashion 5 years from now. They agree to “hang out” for the next few months. Fascinating.

Bree is in her kitchen, boiling sugar as a Munchkin cake sits on the counter. As she opens up a drawer to grab her whisk, she sees a sippy-cup, which leads us to a flashback. Finally, Cherry. In the flashback, Danielle has come to take her baby back from Bree, because she’s married now. She says her husband, Leo, is a lawyer, so Bree better back the eff off. Bree breaks down and says, “Orson’s gone, you kids are grown, the baby’s all I have.” Danielle says she better find something else, then. Whaaaaa? “Orson’s gone?” Me confused. Back in the present, or future, whatever, Orson comes to the kitchen and asks Bree to come to bed, but she tells him the TV show people are re-recording tomorrow and she wants to get the Munchkin cake right. He says, “Okay, it’s your baby.” And Bree replies, “Yes. Yes it is.” Ah, so the plot thickens, much like the sugar in the pot on the stove. Oh, what spun sugary webs has Bree weaved over the years?

As Susan puts dishes in her sink, she flashes back to the car crash for half a second, but then she sees Mike outside her window. See? He’s not dead. I knew he wasn’t! Mostly because this is the second time I’ve seen this episode. But also because I read it on Wikipedia in like June. Mike comes in to grab M.J. (Maynard, their son). And it’s another flashback in which Susan tells Mike that she asked him to get the brakes checked. Mike says he checked them, but it wouldn’t have mattered because they crashed into he and Susan (which is true – Lila sort of ran a stop sign, but it wasn’t her fault because it had fallen down. Sorry. Should have mentioned that earlier, but I’m not scrolling all the way up to page one to add that). Susan yells that they “killed them! A mother and a child!” Wow. Mike yells that he can’t keep doing this and storms out.

I just liked this picture. These people are still alive. By the grace of God. And Marc Cherry. And viewers like YOU.

Back to the future. M.J. comes down with his dad (so cute!), and they get ready to leave. Mike asks Susan what she’s doing over the weekend, and she says she’s seeing someone, so she’ll be doing that. And by “that” she means Jackson. Ew. Mike, in all sincerity, says, “Good for you,” and leaves. Mary Alice voiceovers about time and life-flashes and questions about men leaving women (Susan), beauty fading (Gabby), friends changing (Katherine and Bree), being the best mother (Lynette). And blah blah time blah.

Dave answers his cell phone, and a Dr. Hiller (the fabulous Stephen Spinella) is on the line, telling him that once a month phone calls are a condition of his “release.” Oh, so Dave has a mysterious past! Yeah, even Carlos saw that one coming. Dave says the meds are doing great and hangs up. Dr. Hiller just happens to have a videotape of Dave in his VCR, and it just happens to be queued up to a point in the interview where Dave says he’s come to terms with his rage, and he likes it “just the way it is.” The doc says he needs to make sure that Dave’s not a danger to himself and others. Dave: “I have never been a danger to myself . . . and as far as the others are concerned, there’s only one person who should be worried.” The camera pans over Wisteria Lane and we’re left wondering: Who is that person? My money’s on McCluskey. Or Penny Scavo, should she turn up. And ten bucks says that Dave is either from Chicago, or has some kind of shady past dealing with Chicago. Because all the weirdos go from Chicago to Wisteria Lane. Go Sox!

Next week: Bree and Orson fight, Mike and Jackson meet, Karl returns, Gabby is sick of being snubbed, and Katherine and McCluskey team up to solve mysteries! Yay! Also, another one of Lynette’s children surfaces! And Cherry, this season better start improving, because I can hear sharks in the water and there’s a faint whiff of Fonzie’s motorcycle exhaust in the air.

Or just give Juanita a spinoff.