Desperate Housewives: You’re a Whore? So’s My Son! Mazel Tov!

Tonight on the cutest, gayest episode of Desperate Housewives ever: Susan and Mike and Katherine have issues with MJ, Bree totally gays out, the Scavo clan has major issues, thanks to Porter and Dave’s big fat lie;, Carlos gets his sight back, and Dave reveals surprises that aren’t surprising. At all.

I don’t really have a caption for this pic. It’s just really gay. So there you have it.

Before we get started, two things: 1.) I finished my thesis. So in two weeks, I’ll have a M.F.A. in Writing from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. That’ll get me a job at Starbucks, right? And no, I did not submit my recaps as my thesis. That would have been cool, though. 2.) Flipit and I are now Facebook friends, which means that every time he sees me online, he’ll be all, “Um, don’t you have a recap to write instead of commenting on that photo of you all drunk and crap?” And he’ll be right. Okay, you guys ready for some holiday cheer, DH style?

Mary Alice voiceovers . . . doesn’t every single one of my recaps start off that way? Just once, I’d like to type, “Morgan Freeman voiceovers . . .” Ugh. Anysnooch, the dead lady is blabbing on about how Lynette always wakes up and is all, “Huh. When was the last time my family had breakfast together?” So she gets up and makes waffles. And you guys, get ready for the first Holiday Miracle: Every single Scavo kid in the same shot! I . . . I . . . I’m speechless. I’ll give you a second to check your pants to make sure you didn’t poo yourself from the shock. All better? Great. The Scavo clan sits around the table, and when one of the Damons gets up to leave, Lynette threatens him until he sits back down. It’s such a perfect scene, which, true to DH form, lasts about 5 seconds. Cops come to the door and arrest Porter for the fire. Did Lynette get a haircut? I think she did. Mary Alice says it would be many years until the Scavos would have breakfast again. “Years,” Mary Alice? Um, drama queen!

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present…LYNETTE’S REAL HAIR! Round of applause.

Hey, everything’s all blurry! Have I had too many Busch Lights? Oh, pshaw, like there’s such a thing. No, it turns out that we’re seeing what Carlos is seeing – blurry and out-of-focus shapes. Or, what Tara Reid sees on an average Monday night. The doc says it’s good and pretty soon he’ll have his full sight back. Immediately, Gabby wants to have sex. Or, what Tara Reid wants on an average Monday night. Gabby pulls the curtain so she and Carlos can boink.

Apparently, Orson’s snore-ectomy was a success. Bree wants to leave a thank you note for the doctor, which both Orson and I think is weird. It’s not like he saved Orson’s life or anything. As she puts the note on his desk, she sees a pic of the doctor with Andrew. It totally looks like the picture that comes with the frame. That you bought in a gay store. AKA Pottery Barn. When Bree gets home to the Kitchen of Tomorrow, Andrew says he and Alex have lived together for 6 months, and Bree is glad that Andrew’s dating a doctor. Andrew calls Bree out on not being involved in his love life, which isn’t true, actually. Didn’t she let Justin sleep over? Like a lot? And didn’t she set Andrew up on a date with her contractor after their house was destroyed in the tornado last year (5 years ago)? Ugh, trying to find continuity this season is like trying to find a straight man at a Madonna concert. Pointless. Bree wants Alex to come over for dinner. Bree’s going to make fish. Nothing like Van de Kamp’s fish. You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to make that lame joke.

Get yours now at The Pas de Bourrée Barn.

Over at Susan’s, Katherine and Mike come over to take MJ to the zoo. And we actually see MJ. Wow. They’re going kids crazy in this episode. Although, that should probably be “kidz krazy!” Susan pretends to be okay with Katie and Mike holding hands and taking MJ to the zoo. Dude, MJ is hella pissed at the sight of Katherine. Stankiest stink-eye ever. MJ doesn’t want Katherine to go with them, but Susan and Mike talk him into it. And if you’re wondering where the heck Jackson is, he was supposed to be in this episode, but they had to write him out of it due to his motorcycle accident. Thanks, Wikipedia! You guys, I really don’t care about the Susan plot at all this season. At all.

Over at the hoosegow, Porter and his parents meet with their lawyer, Bob (one of the gay neighbors). Mmmm . . . Tuc Watkins. So sexy. Porter says he has an alibi. I guess he went over to Edie’s house, and immediately everyone thinks he’s doing her as well. But, as it turns out, he went to break in and steal her gun so he could scare Warren Schilling, but when he got back to the club, it was already on fire. So he hid the gun in Lynette’s flower jar. Well, that’s a jim-dandy alibi, especially since no one saw him. Way to go, Porter.

Crappy Mothering Skills: The gift that keeps on giving.

Dave “My Pants Match My Hair!” Williams is getting stuff out of the trunk of his car when Edie pops out in what I think is actually a negligee and not a shirt to tell him that Porter was arrested. Dave begins to tune Edie out as he stares at a mother holding her child on the corner of the street. The woman stares back, and Dave smashes a glass in his hand. Okay, now I figured this was a hallucination (or, what Tara Reid . . . oh, forget it), but the thing is, the lady doesn’t disappear. She just walks away! As Monica Geller would say, “It Just! Got! Interesting!”

In a dowdy kinda way.

Oh, oh, oh, you guys. Porter said “FLOUR” jar. Not “flower” jar. Because Lynette is pulling a gun out of her flour jar. Thanks for the confusion, Cherry. Lynette wipes the gunk off the gun and tells Tom that she needs to return it to Edie’s, because if Edie reports the gun missing, then it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to accusing Porter. See, this is what good parents do – they wipe your fingerprints off concealed weapons.

I guess Katie, Mike, and MJ didn’t have a good time at the zoo (how could they not? Haven’t they ever seen an otter eating? It’s so cute!), because Mike tells Susan that MJ threw his hot fudge sundae at Katherine. Ha. Awesome. I wish they had shown that. Susan laughs, because it’s really, really fun. Mike says she has nuts and whipped cream in her hair (or, what Tara Reid . . . sorry. Couldn’t resist) and “the plastic coconut bowl scraped her head.” Ha! Mike is so funny this season! Susan’s still laughing along with the rest of us. Mike says that he was talking about spending Christmas in Bermuda, Katie said no because she doesn’t look good in a swim suit, Mike said that was bullhockey and that she could be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and that’s when MJ threw the sundae. Susan’s all, you fed her that stupid line? and goes to say that Katherine could be “on the cover of ‘Menopause Monthly,’” but not Sports Illustrated. Whoa. That was really, really bitchy, Susan. True, possibly, but really bitchy. And seriously, Susan, you’re just a hot flash and a mall walk away from that title as well, aren’t you?

The one who smelt it dealt it, lady.

Hey, they’re having a party for Carlos and his eyes! I’d like to have a party for his ass. Just a small, intimate gathering of two. Gabby yells at him to wear his special eyeglasses, and as he grabs them off the shelf, he knocks over a baseball. Ugh, is this really important? I guess it is. So, Carlos thinks the baseball is signed by Lou Gehrig, when in reality, it’s just a plain old baseball. Apparently, the real one (signed by Lou Gehrig) was handed down from generation to generation in his family. Gabby’s all, whaaaaa? “I thought it was just some collector’s item.” Uh, no, Gabby, that’s why Carlos wouldn’t let you sell it when y’all were broke and eating pancakes and pot pies for dinner. And of course, from the look on Gabby’s face, she totally sold the baseball for cash. Bree and Susan are judging her, and Gabby’s all, “Hey, Mike likes baseball! Maybe he can track down this Lou Gehrig guy and get him to sign another one!” Damn, Gabby’s dumber than a box of hair! How can she have not heard of a little something called Lou Gehrig’s disease? AND not know that, uh, Lou Gehrig? Yeah, he kinda died from it.

Two things, quickly. 1.) I heard on the radio that this was supposed to be a Christmas episode. So far it’s not at all. 2.) Where the hell are McCluskey and her sister?!

Bob has bad news for Tom and Lynette. Porter’s bail is $20,000. Thank god it’s 2013 in Fairview and they’re out of that economic slump that crippled America in 2008-2010. They have $14,000 in their emergency fund and some more money in other accounts. Tom leaves, and Lynette tells Bob (in confidence) that there is no emergency fund since she gave the money to that lying liar Anne Schilling! I actually said, “Nooo . . .” out loud. I guess I care a little about something this season. It’s a strange feeling, and I’m not so sure I like it yet. Bob suggests going to a bondsman and putting up the house as collateral. Oh, oops, the house is hella mortgaged. Well, Bob says, there’s the restaurant. Lynette says she has no other choice. Hey, Lynette, why don’t you just sell Parker and Penny? I’m sure you wouldn’t miss them.

Tom, please stop wearing my cancer wig out in public. It’s embarrassing.

Gabby talks to some Italian sports collector dude (through a translator) about getting the baseball back. Any gasmii speak fluent Italian? I’d like to know what they really said. The translator tells Gabby that Italian dude wants to see Gabby dance on the table. I’m assuming to get her baseball back, but maybe just for entertainment. Gabby doesn’t want to do that. I’m kind of surprised, actually, but ten bucks says she’ll be back to get all bootylicious for the baseball after the next commercial break.

Lynette goes over to Dave and Edie’s to “borrow Edie’s yellow sweater for the arraignment,” and as Dave and Lynette are talking on the porch, Dave again sees the woman and her baby. Aw, the baby has Dave’s hair! Dave says it’s cool for Lynette to go upstairs and get the sweater, and the creepy woman and baby walk right up to the porch and stand right outside the door! It’s kind of disturbing. Lynette hides the gun and grabs the yellow sweater, and as she heads down the stairs, she hears Dave telling The Creepersons that “it’s not a good time. I promise I’ll see you tomorrow. Just know that I still love you. That’ll never change.” The Creepersons leave, and Lynette’s left on the stairs, all Um, what the eff was THAT?

Lynette’s totally gonna keep this to herself.

At Bree’s house, Alex is over for dinner. I think Orson just called him Dr. Kookiness. Upon a second listening, it’s more like Dr. Cuhinas, and on Wikipedia, it’s Dr. Cominis. I like Dr. Kookiness better. Also, I know some of y’all don’t think Dr. Kookiness is attractive, but I think he’s kind of cute. Kind of. Bree makes a big deal of Andrew and Alex “scooching” closer together on the couch and all that goes with it. Ew. Is there anything more uncomfortable than your mom talking about sex when your boyfriend is over for dinner? If so, I don’t know about it. I guess Bree wants to prove how much of a hag she is, because she invited Bob and Lee over for dinner as well. This is the gayest episode of Desperate Housewives ever! Now, if we could just get Mike and Carlos to wash Mike’s truck shirtless and in tiny jean shorts, and maybe playfully splash each other with the soapy water, then hose each other down and . . . Where was I?

Oh yeah. Bree’s Gay Pride Dinner. There’s some bitchy gay banter about Alex being a plastic surgeon and Bob’s eyes, and then Lee’s all, “Have we met?” when he shakes Alex’s hand. Alex can’t recall, but Bob thinks they’ve met before too. Bree actually says, in total sincerity, “I hear the gym is a popular meeting place.” Ha! Ahahahaha! Too good, Bree Hodge. Too good. Lee says he must have Alex confused with someone else. As they all leave for the dinner table, Bree spies Lee and Bob whispering gaily to each other, and then Bob saying, “Ohmigod, you’re right. It IS him.” Ooh, Bree is intrigued. But mostly really pissed off.

Does Andrew ask you to spank him? Andrew always liked being spanked as a child didn’t you Andrew?

Gabby goes in to her house to see a weeping Carlos holding his girls, because praise Jesus he is healed! Can I get an amen?! Juanita’s all, “Now you can watch me dance.” Oh, sweetie, give daddy some time to recoup before he sees that. Like 18 years. Still though. It is kind of a touching scene. Carlos wonders where the painting is, the one they bought in Greece. Gabby had to sell it to pay the mortgage, and when she finds out he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, she tells him about the baseball. Oh, Carlos is not so happy. He tells the girls to go upstairs. Carlos pretty much demands the baseball back, since he specifically asked her not to sell it. He ends with this hilarious nugget: “And you may want to lower your middle finger. I can see now. Remember?” Hee.

Yikes. The hills? No longer alive with the sound of music.

Over at Bree’s Boystown Buffet, the talk turns to Bree’s catering, and Alex asks if she caters weddings. Oh, geez. Andrew admits that he and Alex are getting married. Everyone claps and Bree’s . . . excited? I can’t tell if she’s faking it or not. That’s what Orson said! Hi-yo! As she hugs Alex, she notices Bob and Lee whispering again. You know what? I don’t like Lee, and I think Bob can do a lot better. Bree asks Bob and Lee to help her with the pie, and in the kitchen, she’s all, what’s up bitches? Turns out? Bob and Lee saw Alex in an “adult movie.” Bree: “By adult, you mean, complex and sophisticated?” Oh, priceless! Nope. Bob and Lee mean man-on-man lovin’ type videos. Is there any other kind? If so, I don’t wanna know about it. Specifically, the movie is “Rear Deployment,” and they’re positive that Alex was one of the co-stars. And, I’m guessing, a bottom. Come on, you know he totally would be.

At Susan’s, Edie’s over to borrow a corkscrew — in theory, but we all know that she’s there to make bitchy comments. And I, for one, thank her for it. Katie and Mike come in, and Katherine is all ice, ice, baby to Susan when Susan compliments her blouse. Too cold, too cold. She and Mike are taking MJ bowling, and Katherine accuses Susan of trash-talking Katherine to MJ before they leave. And then, Edie doesn’t make bitchy comments. She’s being the voice of reason. What the . . . is this a different show? Is this some Twilight Zone episode of Desperate Housewives? Is William Shatner going to appear out of nowhere screaming about a gremlin that no one else can see? Edie tells Susan that she doesn’t have to say anything — MJ can pick up on her negativity toward Katherine by the way she acts around her. Edie: “‘Oh, Katherine what a nice blouse!’ Kid translation: ‘Have a nice time at the bowling alley with my ex. Whore.’” Ah, there we go, Edie! Back on track. When did Edie and Susan become really good friends? I’m guessing that this scene originally included Susan and Jackson, but had to be changed and tweaked after the accident, because Edie never gets this much screen time anymore. Which is a shame, Cherry!

Make it a habit, Cherry!

At the bowling alley, Katherine puts MJ’s shoes on his feet, after which Mike says Susan called and said she’s joining them because Susan wants to show MJ how they can all get along. Whatever, I’m all for it, because: Susan + Bowling Alley = Possible Head Injury.

Porter (I’m assuming, because why would they show Preston? He doesn’t sleep with 45 year-old women and break into people’s homes for firearms. Boooorring!) puts Penny on the swing at a playground and gives her a little push before sitting on a bench. They argue all brother-and-sister like. You guys, it’s a completely cute moment. All of sudden, someone’s crotch enters the shot. And no, it’s not Carlos wearing tight 2(x)ist underwear. It’s the wife-beating crotch of Mr. Warren Schilling (boo! hiss!). Oh, hey, I just realized this guy played the wrestling coach that Samantha slept with on Sex and the City, in that episode where she lost her orgasm. See what I did there? I just made my recap 15% gayer. You’re welcome! He talks about Porter burning down the club in his slimy way, and says that Porter should be in jail, because he’d be much safer there than on the outside. You know, cuz Warren will kick Porter’s ass and then say he was “at the movies,” no doubt enjoying “Bride Wars” with a tray of nachos, a box of Junior Mints, and a travel sized pack of Kleenex because weddings make him weepy.

I could just make you disappear right now, but frankly I’m very tired.

Back at the bowling alley, MJ is telling Katherine how to bowl. And I think the director just told the kid playing MJ to actually tell her how to bowl because it’s very natural and cute. Is this the cutest episode of Desperate Housewives ever? It just might be. Also, where is the “holiday miracle on Wisteria Lane” that was advertised on the radio? There’s not a damn thing about this episode that’s holiday-related. Although the gay apparel has been totally donned. Mike and Susan talk about how fast little MJ’s growing up, and Mike puts his hand on Susan’s hand. Oh, and Katherine has a 7-10 split or something. MJ looks at his parents, confused, all, are you getting back together? And then he slams his ball onto Katherine’s foot. What a little jerk!

Bree enters the Kitchen of Tomorrow to speak to Andrew. She hands him the DVD of “Rear Deployment.” I hope that’s the special edition with director’s commentary. Dammit writers, how could you not give us a scene of Bree trying to buy gay porn?! That would have been gold, GOLD! Andrew knows all about Alex’s movie. Alex did it because he couldn’t afford med school tuition and stuff, and Andrew’s okay with it because he himself hasn’t exactly made all the right choices (word). Plus, he loves Alex. Awwww. They share a tender moment as Bree says she thought Alex wasn’t being honest and wanted Andrew to know about the porno. Andrew says it’s the nicest thing she’s ever done for him. Nothing brings sons and mothers together like uniform themed hardcore gay sex. I hate Bree’s shirt.

If you were a real gay son, you’d dress me properly.

Oh, I forgot about Gabby. She’s back at the Italian dude’s office, and immediately climbs up on the table and asks the translator to go get him. And of course we don’t see Gabby doing the dance. Do the writers think everything’s better when left to the imagination, or are they just lazy? Discuss. Carlos, fresh from a bath or shower, and in a shirt and bathrobe (boo!) looks at Gabby’s practically empty walk-in closet, leaving us to assume that she sold a lot of her stuff too. Gabby walks in and throws Carlos his baseball. I hate Gabby’s shirt.

This week’s gay budget was spent on the acting. Had to get a cheapo breeder costumer. LAME.

It’s The People’s Court! Duh-duh-dun-dun. Duh-duh-duh-DUN-dun. Crazy bongo drumming. Today’s case concerns one Porter Scavo, looking nervous and awkward outside the courtroom, because . . . it’s Preston! Says Lynette. Preston says Porter took off. Tom says that they’re going to tell the judge what’s up because he doesn’t want both his boys in jail, and that it’s “just money.” Or is it, Tom Scavo? No. No, it is not, because Lynette messed things up. Lynette tells him that Preston’s gonna be Porter and that is that. Oh, geez. This cannot end well.

Gabby enters her closet and sees a brand-new (and hideous!) dress. Carlos bought it. Oh, how could he ever afford such a luxurious (and hideous!) dress? He would have to have sold something, something expensive, something . . . Gasp! He couldn’t have sold his baseball, could he? Could he?! Yeah, yawn, he totally did. Please tell me this lame, half-assed attempt at “The Gift of the Magi” isn’t the “Holiday Miracle.” You know what would be awesome, though? If Gabby was like, “Oh, Carlos! I can’t wear this dress because I sold my boobs to buy back your baseball!” Carlos says he’s selling his watch to buy Gabby pretty things, but she sold the real one to pay for a new roof and replaced it with a knock-off.

I love you. Now comb your hair.

Mike and Susan talk with MJ, who says that Mike can’t be with Katherine because mommy and daddy are getting back together. Mommy said so. Oh, shbadoinkle! Susan says that a month after Mike moved out, out of desperation, she told MJ that Mike was coming back. Susan says that she and Mike have never actually told each other that it’s really over, and asks Mike if he thinks about the two of them together again. Long pause. Mike says he has to check on Katherine.

The violins and tinkly music mean it’s time for Mary Alice’s patented End of the Episode Voiceover. Blah darkness blah seeing what people take for granted. Gabby parades in her dress for Carlos. Bree yuks it up with Dr. Kookiness. Lynette rubs her eyes in court. Dave kneels on the ground, crying, talking to The Creepersons about holding out a little bit longer, and how he’ll be with them soon. “But first, Mike Delfino has to pay for taking you away from me. And I need just the right moment to do it. He destroyed what I loved the most. And I want him to feel that hurt. I want him to lose what I lost.” The camera pans around, and The Creepersons are replaced by . . . killer bees! No, no, I kid. They’re replaced by headstones. Dave’s at a graveyard. His wife and daughter are dead. Mike and Susan killed them in that car accident. No one is surprised.

Next week on DH: I have no idea. ABC.com doesn’t do previews, and there’s nothing on Wikipedia. But I bet more incredible secrets of Dave are revealed. Secrets like: He wears pants and has beige hair. Shocking!

I won’t rest until Edie gets her yellow sweater back. Bwahahahahahahah!