Desperate Housewives: What’s Wrong With Emasculating Your Husband? The Answer Never Comes

This week on Desperate Housewives, Edie and Susan get locked in a basement, Lynette finds out where Porter’s hiding, Gabby deals with the girls on her own, Bree butts heads with her gay-son-in-law, and Mike and Katherine get closer. And this all sounds WAY more interesting than it actually is.

Oh yeah, and I fell in love.

It’s night on Wisteria Lane, and Mary Alice voiceovers. About Dave. So, there’s two things that already bug me about this episode. Dave remembers, according to Mary Alice, walking out of his house one night and finding police with news of the car wreck, finding out his family had died at the hospital, going batshit crazy and ending up in the asylum, meeting Edie, doing Edie, and blah blah blah revenge. But will that revenge end now that he’s thrown out of the house? How weird would that be? Like, if Mary Alice was all, “And that, was the end of that,” and then we’re immediately thrown into a new mystery. That would be kind of cool.

But no, kids, Beigey Dave runs into Mike on his way out of Wisteria Lane, and then is all, Well, I’ll go stay in a motel down by the interstate, wah I’m so pathetic. So of course Mike invites him to stay with him. They’re totally breaking out the Pizza Rolls, putting on the p.j.’s, and watching Sex and the City: The Movie and Runaway Bride. Careful, Mike – Dave’s a crier! Credits.

If Steve doesn’t forgive Miranda I might strangle someone. Literally.

It’s the next morning, and Edie called everyone to let them know that she needs attention, so the gals come over for a bitch session. Edie brings up the fact that Dave talks to the ghost of his wife and daughter, and why didn’t Lynette say that she’d seen him do it too? Cuz she totally did. Oh, wait, I forgot – this is Desperate Housewives Season 5, where continuity has been slowly suffocated to death. Susan brings up the fact that she’s moving to Riverton with Jackson, which means that the focus is off Edie. Edie hates!

Dave is . . . wearing overalls. Yikes. And mowing Mike’s lawn. Katherine walks up – you guys remember Katherine, right? – and when she sees Mike, she tells him that her “daughter” called and wants her to move to Baltimore to help with her baby. Katherine tries to gauge exactly how cool Mike would be with that. Lots of talk about – I’m sorry, overalls, Dave?! Seriously?! Anyway, Mike’s all vague about it, and apparently Katherine wants him to say that she shouldn’t go because he’s in love with her. Everyone’s talking about leaving Wisteria Lane. Good idea. Come back next season. Maybe things will be better. Overalls!?

Look to the front, it’s plaid. Look behind you, it’s overalls. I think it might be time to move.

Bree’s talking to Mr. and Mr. Andrew Van de Kamp about the new house she just bought for them when Orson runs in talking about some new grill he got, which segues into Bree totally emasculating Orson regarding his inability to get a good deal. Alex is all, please don’t do that in front of me cuz my mom did it to my dad and that’s why he left. Oh, bitch, you did NOT just insult Bree in her own home! But he did, and the beast? Has awoken. Bree looks so pissed and evil. She makes Lord Voldemort look like Mr. Peanut.

Over at the Solis house, the girls are crying because Carlos is going to work and they have to spend the day with mommy. What’s up with these 10 second Gabby and Carlos scenes? Pointless.

But at least my girl gets some screen time!

Lynette answers her front door to find Mr. Fishman, some old Jewish dude with a walker. Apparently, he’s pissed because Porter’s staying with his meemaw at the retirement center and he’s like, drinking people’s juice and stuff. Porter, dude, skip the juice and go for the meds! Those eighth graders have deep pockets. Lynette is very excited to find out where Porter’s hiding.

At Alex and Andrew’s new house, the two of them ask Edie if the basement can be cleared out by the time they move in. Cuz, you know, they’re gay and they can’t get their Prada pants dirty. As Edie’s clearing out the basement, Susan comes in with some of Edie’s mail. Edie is still pissed about how Susan stole her thunder earlier, and Suzy Q, true to form, accidentally lets the basement door close, locking them in together. I give them 10 seconds before Edie goes all alpha dog on Susan’s ass and the whole thing turns into that scene from Swept Away where that Italian dude slaps Madonna around and makes her call him “Master.”

Juanita is slumped down on her couch, and I pray to god that girl drinks her milk, because just watching her is giving me scoliosis. Gabby says that it’s time for her bath, but Juanita doesn’t want to go, and when Gabby tries to drag her off the couch, she goes all limp, like kids do when they’re pissed. Gabby says she’ll drag her to the bathroom, and Juanita says, “You’re never going to make it.” Hee. Oh, you guys, for once they keep filming on the funny stuff as Gabby tries to drag her daughter up the stairs. Gabby throws her back out, and Jaunita stands and gives her a look like, “Round One is over, bitch,” and goes back to her movie.

I did this at Best Buy when they refused to let me return a cell phone.

We’re over at the retirement home, where Lynette barges in on her mom. I’m digging Lynette’s scarf as she talks about Porter and the trial and Lynette’s mom gives not-so-subtle digs at Lynette for sticking her in a home. Shady Pines, Ma! Lynette’s mom overheard Muriel Fishman ratting her out, so she told Porter to skedooch but won’t say to where. Lynette pleads with her mother.

In the basement, Susan annoyingly yells for help at the door, before bringing up the fact that she was supposed to meet movers. Edie tells her to keep talking about moving away because she hears “stupidity makes time go by faster.” Um, what? First of all, what does that even really mean? Second of all, it’s just not a funny line. I think they used up the entire hilarity budget on last week’s episode. Because they have nothing but time, Edie drags out a big piece of paper and tells Susan that they’re going to make a chart (she calls it a “calendar,” which, I’m sorry, it is not. It is a chart. Or a graph. But a calendar? No.) of all her ex-boyfriends and break-ups because Susan has never been without a man in her whole life.

I am really sick of talking about you all the time. So let’s make a big chart and talk about you for a few hours.

Over at Bree’s, Orson is feeling randy tonight, and so he goes over to Bree as they’re getting ready for bed and says, “I’m feeling randy tonight, what do you say we make a little love?” So, just oral stuff, then? Since it’s “fifteen minutes until the news,” Bree agrees. And then she brings up what Alex said earlier, about being emasculating. Orson says that she has to be a ball-buster at work, and it spills over into her personal life, but it’s no big deal: Alex will get used to it just like he and Andrew have. Then Orson’s all, “I know it’s my turn, but if you want, you can be on top tonight.” Welcome to the world of Republican sex.

Over in the Basement of Shame, Edie’s chart is chock full of all of Susan’s exes: 7 boyfriends from high school and college, and only 41 days single throughout that time. And not much better in her adult life. Even though Susan calls Edie a tramp, Edie explains that she goes after men because she “wants” them, while Susan “needs” men. Harsh, but true. True, but boring.

Lynette’s driving in her car, all hysterical and on the phone with Tom, explaining what happened at Shady Pines and how her mom is so angry at her that she’ll never tell where Porter is. When all of a sudden, Tom hears a screech of tires and a crash on his end of the phone! Oh no! Did Lynette hit a raccoon?! Only time will tell.

Can we get back to the Republican sex, please?

Well, actually, not really, because you’ll find out now: No. She did not. In fact, she didn’t get into an accident at all, which she explains to a distraught Porter and Grandma at the hospital. Two other cars in front of Lynette got into an accident, and Lynette decided to parlay this little act of fate into a fake-out so she could get Grams and Porter to the hospital. Wow. These two scenes, Cherry – us hearing tires screeching and crash-y sounds on Tom’s phone and then this revelation that nothing really happened – is one of the lamest things I have ever heard and/or seen on this show. And in a season full of a dude with beige hair that is quite an accomplishment. Grams is pissed, but Lynette is pissed right back at her. I really hate Lynette’s arc this season.

Gabby is not having an easy time with the kids. She yells at them to pick up their clothes and toys, but they refuse. So Gabby calls Carlos and tells him to yell at them, but he can’t cuz he’s in a meeting. Making money. Like Gabby wanted. Is Gabby EVER happy?

I thought you were gonna try being, like, presentable again. What happened with that?

Orson’s breaking in the new grill over in Bree’s backyard, and Mike goes into the kitchen to get a beer. Again, why is there alcohol in Bree’s house? I have never lived with an alcoholic, or been to AA, but I’m pretty sure that that kind of thing isn’t cool. Dave follows Mike, and if he asks about getting Blü Odyssey back together, I am out, guys. I’ll hand these recaps over to someone else, because that will be the limit. The limit! Dave looks really, really bulky in this scene. More than usual. Dave asks about Katherine, then segues into whether or not Mike still loves Susan, and he’s weird about it. Which doesn’t make sense, because Mike and Susan don’t have to be together for Dave to get revenge on both of them. Why does he care? Why do I care, for that matter? Mike says he may be in love with Katherine.

Outside, Bree asks Andrew to go get some steak sauce, mostly so he’ll be out of the scene for the argument that Bree and Alex will surely be getting into. Sure enough, the steaks didn’t turn out so well, and Orson asks Bree for her opinion, which she doesn’t want to give because she’ll seem emasculating again. Except she says it bitchier than I do, and fake smiles at Alex a lot. They go back and forth until Bree’s all, I bought you a house, a-hole, so don’t be a dick to me! And Alex is all, keep your house, beyotch, if it means I have to suck up to you! And then Orson chews with his mouth open. Gross.

In the basement, Edie debates on whether or not to open a jar of pickles and eat them, deciding against it when she gets a whiff of what’s inside. Susan, looking catatonic, decides to tell Edie why she’s glad she’s not her. The verdict? Edie uses men, and at least Susan’s “looking for something real.” Then Edie tells a story about how her dad stole her horse figurine collection to give to the 10 year-old daughter of his girlfriend, the lady he left Edie’s mom for, and Susan actually starts to cry, probably from lack of hunger more than anything else, because the story wasn’t really that sad. Susan gives Edie a hug and says that now she knows why Edie is the way she is: because of her father. And then Edie slaps the shit out of Susan and tells her not to “psycho-analyze” her. Here’s an analysis for ya, Edie: Bipolar, slap-happy slut. Susan rightfully pushes Edie into some boxes which fall on her head, and Susan freaks out, but I don’t know why. Beyotch deserved it, cuz they could hear that slap in Iowa.

When Good Things Happen to Bad Actors

Gabby’s girls refuse to put their toys away, and when Gabby asks why they behave for daddy, Juanita says, “Because we love daddy more.” Oh, that stings! Gabby leaves the house, which is totally what I would do, but she ends up on the front porch, crying, whereas I would have ended up at a bar. And now it’s time for the time-honored TV tradition of Learning a Lesson From a Complete Stranger. In this case, it’s the big dude repairing Gabby’s roof or something. He tells her to use “a big voice” on the kids. Instead of using her own voice, she asks the big dude to use his own big voice on the kids, who do what he says immediately. Because he’s yelling at them. In a loud voice. And he’s huge. Gabby says that daddy heard about them not obeying and sent the big dude over.

Back at the basement, Edie sits with a stack of magazines as she and Susan play Guess Which Month This Issue of This Magazine Was Published? Susan sucks at it, and every time she gets one wrong Edie throws the magazine at her. You know, I never really thought of it before, but Edie’s really a bully. If Cherry wanted her to come off as sympathetic, he pretty much shot himself in the foot with this episode. Some guy opens the door to the basement, because he needs to check the rat traps. Maybe it’s just me, but the guy seems really creepy. Maybe it’s the way he’s delivering his lines. Edie asks Susan to keep what they talked about a secret. They seem to be friends now? I don’t know. They were friends like 3 episodes ago, so whatever. Ugh, this episode is so lackluster.

Get yo shit together, Cherry!

Lynette visits her mom and lets her know that Porter’s judge threw out the case because of lack of evidence. Man, I hope that’s the end of that storyline. She has a heart-to-heart with her mom and agrees to visit more often if Grams agrees to change a bit and let go of her anger, even though Grams says that’s the only part she’s got left.

Carlos is back and Juanita and Celia say that the Big Man scared them into cleaning up and being nice. Figuring they don’t mean God, Carlos confronts Gabby, and when she brings up the “loving daddy more” thing, he says they said the same thing when he was watching them, and asks her not to have strangers discipline their kids. Gabby’s all, “I wouldn’t have to if you would do it!” Um, seriously? Carlos says what we’re all thinking, basically something like: You want me to work all day and crap, and then when I get home, you want me to scream at the kids? Gabby says she just wanted a normal family. I thought you wanted money, honey. Carlos is all, yeah, well, Daddy’s working all the time, and Mommy’s home complaining about screaming kids, so you got a normal family. Oh, burn!

Bree goes into the Kitchen of Tomorrow to talk to Andrew about the fight with Alex. Andrew says he’s not getting in the middle of things. Wise, dude. He goes on to say that Alex is not a relative or employee, and not everyone has to obey Bree’s commands. Except for, you know, The Dark Lord.

Can this guy just be in every scene?

Katherine “3 Lines In This Episode” Mayfair arrives home to see roses on her porch, along with a note that says, “Don’t go.” Now, at first I thought, “Oh, that’s sweet of Mike,” but then I was all, “Oh, I bet Dave did that, not Mike!” Was I right? No. Mike did put them on her porch. She finds out when she visits him in his garage. As they play tonsil hockey, Dave looks in through the window, no doubt wishing he could kiss the soft pillowy lips of one Mike Delfino.

And the next morning, Alex drives up to Bree’s house, where Bree says she doesn’t want to fight anymore, and gives Alex the keys to the house. When Alex says that they’ll always be fighting, Bree admits something to Alex that she hasn’t told anyone else: Her macaroni and cheese is really Stouffer’s! Noooooooooo!! Actually, she tells him that she’s become selfish and rude since she’s opened her business. She doesn’t want to be that way anymore, and needs someone like Alex to keep her in check, so she can change. Oh, please, the only thing that Bree’s going to change is the bed sheets.

Edie goes over to talk to Dave and says that what they have is “real” and doesn’t want to “throw it away.” She wants a happy ending. Then move over to Scrubs, ho, cuz there ain’t no such thing on this show. Did Edie learn something from Susan in the basement? Yeah – it’s nice to have a whiny chick to slap around.

Susan calls Jackson on the phone – I’m still assuming that Gale Harold can’t be on the show due to his accident, and as much as I dislike him, it would suck if he had to ride out his last episodes as just a voice on the phone. She needs to talk seriously about the move. Did Susan learn something from Edie in the basement? Yeah – protect your face when you’re talking to that crazy hobag.

I hope this is a trend. Lynette’s way more likable when she’s wasted.

Mary Alice voiceovers that Edie tried to call everyone to tell them Dave was back. But Gabby was busy disciplining kids, Lynette was drinking whiskey with her mom, Bree was showing paint samples to Alex, and Susan was drinking tea on the porch. And . . . what? We’re done? Oh. Okay, then Mary Alice.

Next Week: The 100th episode of Desperate Housewives! This can only mean one thing: Syndication, baby!