Desperate Housewives: Bree Van de Kamp Kills Joe the Plumber

Tonight on the hundredth episode of Desperate Housewives, we get lots of closeups of wigs n’ weaves and Beau Bridges wears a lot of plaid.

Just stopped by to ask you to vote no on spreading the wealth around.

HOLLER. Flipit here. Hypnotoad is on a much needed vaca this week, so I will be taking over the recap! Don’t worry, he’ll be back for the next one.

As the show opens, Mary Alice coos about some handy man named Eli Scruggs being able to fix anything. Shots of him stabilizing a banister, fixing a sink, and picking up Hatcher’s face off the floor and piecing it all back together on her skull. Well, the banister’s still shaky, he doesn’t even look like he knows how to use his pipe tool thingy, and we’ve all seen the state of Hatcher’s face. Basically, Eli Scruggs is a really crappy handy man.

Someone’s gonna teach me how to use this thing before the cameras roll, right?

Mary Alice tells us in her usual “who made poopie in their dipey?” voice that Eli is about to break the hearts of all of the street’s residents. AW! So I guess he’s dead. Poor Beau Bridges can’t catch a break. If Jeff were available you know Cherry would have made him the Jackson replacement and given him a shirtless scene, but Beau showed up instead so his ass has to die. He makes his way up a ladder as McClusky rushes over and tells him to get his butt down there. McClutskey’s back! YAY! I am very happy to see her for her allotted two minutes, but if Cherry is planning on not ever showing Lily Tomlin again after such a lame ass storyline there’s gonna be some major splaining to do.

Anypenny, McC is pissed because Scruggs just left a note on her door about his retirement. She’s like “who’s gonna fix my water heater when it breaks? Who’s gonna be responsible enough not to leave nails and shit lying around? And what about Hatcher’s face?” The doctor told Scruggs that he’s getting old and his heart’s gonna burst from the tight pants he wears to his job every day so he’s going to take his savings and move to Hawaii. Only in Cherryland would a handy man make enough money to retire in Hawaii, but whatevs.

Goodbye kiss time!

She says that leaving a note is kinda cold and he tells her that he just “wants to go quietly, if you know what I mean.” Oh, just die already. McClusky leaves him to climb his ladder and fix a shingle on the roof before he has a heart attack and bites it. A nail falls off the roof and into his tool box on the ground and after telling us that he’s dead, Mary Alice adds “and most importantly, without leaving a mess.” Cute violin plucks. Never has a show made dying so adorable.

Gabby’s daughter Juanita comes down the street walking very slowly and dribbling a ball. She stops to get some air into her lungs and wipe the sweat off of her…everything, when she notices Scruggs dead on the roof being molested by Edie.

Now we know how Michael Bolton felt.

Susan gets home with a bottle of wine and finds paramedics trying to get the poor guy off her roof while all the neighbors stand around and watch. I love this street. This would never happen in my neighborhood. There was a guy shot across from my building and the only one who paid any attention besides the one half assed late ass ambulance was the old man who came out a couple of hours later to hose down the sidewalk and curse under his breath.

Mary Alice, still yammering condescendingly, tells us that all the neighbors are more upset than they thought they’d be because the handy man touched their lives in ways they never even realized before. Bree, Gabby, Susan and Lynette are having poker night and talking about the funeral. Why isn’t Katherine ever invited anywhere? Does she still get a paycheck? I worry for Dana Delaney. Susan wants to make sure before they start playing that Gabby has change because she’s sick of trying to collect and getting the “I only have a fifty” excuse. HA. Susan smiles and her cheek falls onto the table. Gabby isn’t in the mood for wittyish banter and she doesn’t even notice the cheek because…doodleoo doodloo doodleooo! The camera swoops around around Gabby’s head. GET IT? We’re in Gabby’s head!!! WOAH. That shit was deep. I was expecting a closeup of a box of Twizzlers for five minutes, but somehow there’s more in there than that.

And….flashback. Gabby has long hair and a full face of makeup, which means she’s glamorous again. I have to give her credit for not using padding for this whole “I became a mom and gained fifty five pounds” storyline. Every time I see her little double chin I smile a little on the inside. It’s Hollywood’s way of throwing us a bone. Sure, I’d like to see her looking like Horation Sanz dressed as Slutty Carol but I’ll take what I can get.

OMG she’s like eighty pounds now. Way to represent.

Gabby’s memory is about a much hotter when he’s clean cut Carlos coming home with a pair of Jimmy Choos to soften the blow of leaving her alone again while he goes on a buisness trip. This is when they first moved to Wisteria Lane, and she didn’t know anyone yet. Scruggs is there trying to figure out his sink pipe tool thingy and overhears their conversation. She’s lonely and bored and he’s annoyed that she wants expensive things but doesn’t want him to ever go to work. So, it’s basically like every other episode ever written ever since the beginning of time, but this time starring Beau Bridges and the possums guest starring as his eyebrows.

Carlos doesn’t want to argue in front of the handy man, and Gabby is all offended that he just called Beau “the handy man.” He has a name, rude! She asks his name, and when he tells her she turns to Carlos and says “You’ve brought me to a place where people are named Eli Scruggs.” LOL. Carlos goes to pack and Scruggs tells Gabby that the women of the neighborhood are pretty nice. She says that they brought her muffins and one of them asked for her basket back. He nods wisely. That was Bree. He tells her about the poker game they have every week and says that he’ll see if maybe she can host the next one. Cut to Gabby’s old maid opening the door for the gals. OMG it’s Lucille!!

PLEASE bring her back for good. PLEASE!

Wow. Seeing all the women standing together like that, it’s pretty clear why Mary Alice was killed off before any of this even began. Bitch is huge! She looks like Peter Scolari as Hildegard in the 80′s sitcom Bosom Buddies on stilts.

That’s a perfect look for voiceover work.

Lucille says that Gabby will be right down, and then she kinda rolly eye whispers “she likes to make an entrance.” Sure enough, Gabby arrives at the top of the stairs dressed like the Golden Globes Girl with paintings of herself all over the place. HA. I love me some Gabby. During poker, she talks about how big and famous and glamorous she was and how pissed she is that her husband forcer her to move to this lame ass town. She doesn’t know how the girls do it. “Do what?”, Susan asks. “Get out of bed in the morning! I’ve only lived here a month and I wanna put a gun to my head!” That, she directs at Mary Alice. This show is so wrong sometimes. The women are all offended, but they try to tell her to just try and enjoy it and she might just realize it’s not the get fat making fat babies who treat you like crap hell that she’s making it out to be. WRONG!

A couple of days later, Scruggs shows up with some mail for Gabby and tells her that she made quite an impression at the poker game. She’s all yup, everywhere I go people ask “weren’t you in that movie Over My Dead Body?” and Scruggs is all “don’t be stupid, that’s not even a real movie” and says he doesn’t appreciate her inviting everyone over just to tell them how much better she is than them. “My clothes said that, not me!” HA. He says that they called her stuck up, conceded, and a bitch. Lucille is nodding in agreement and cackling in the background. LOL, Luc. Gaby is mortified, and Scruggs is mad that he put in a good word for her and she acted like an a hole. If she doesn’t learn how to stop acting better than everyone else, she’s gonna end up stuck in a giant house alone with a maid who wants her dead.

Gabby does some deep thinking and shows up at Susan’s with a basket of muffins. The girls are all there playing poker without her. She apologizes for acting like an ass and says that what she should have said in the beginning was that she’s lonely and depressed and was way too short to make it as a model and she just needs friends. Bree softens up and says “Now that’s how you make an entrance!” AWWWW! This scene would have ended perfectly if she’d just added “but please don’t take down all the portraits of yourself because that shit’s hilarious.”

The only downfall to botox is that you can’t close your eyes at the same time any more. See? This episode is chock full of lessons.

Back to the poker game in the present. The conversation has moved on to Hatcher’s face, because she’s reapplying her left cheek with a glue gun. Bree assures her that she did a good job and looks the same as always and asks what everyone wants her to make for the funeral. Lynette suggests they use something from Bree’s cookbook. Gabby goes to get it, and it’s being used to balance her table. HAHAHAHAHAAAAA. I’ve never had to admit it in a public forum like this, but I. HEART. GABBY. Bree takes the book and stares down at it, and then the camera does that swooping thing behind her head. I try to find scars behind her ears, but her hairdresser’s not that stupid. You can, however, see where Bree is plugged in at night.

Bree’s flashback begins with a really severe bob.

This hair screams “Global Warming is a Lie”.

She’s made brunch for a very pregnant Lynnette and Tom and REX!!! Wowee! I remember I liked Rex, and when he died I was kinda sad. He’s sure a dick in this flashback, though. Bree tastes her food and, knowing it’s perfect, apologizes for the dryness of her frittata. Tom’s like it’s perfect! Teach Lynette to make this shit cuz I’m sick of eating plates full of her anger. Lynette reminds him that she’s eight months pregnant with another one of his criminal children and he can shut his trap or get beat with a bag of oranges when they get home.

Bree ignores all this and starts hounding Rex for an oven that works better and Rex tells her if she wants more money then she can get a job. “I have a job! I’m a homemaker!” This is why conservative Republican living is awesome. They’re the only households where that still flies. Tom starts in about getting the recipe for Lynette, who looks like if she had a lighter he would be more flaming right now than he was when he kissed that dude on Melrose Place. Rex tells Bree that she would understand finances better if she had to work for her money, which is a total falsehood. I work very hard and I still spend all my cash on Milky Ways and ironic t-shirts and then wonder why my lights keep getting turned off.

Anykins, Bree argues that he would appreciate what she does for him more if he had to cook and clean for himself, which is also a falsehood because after I clean my own apartment I still throw fingernails on the floor and stuff Milky Way wrappers into the couch cushions. Tom says that Lynette makes him sew on his own buttons and Lynette says she’ll never do that again if he’ll stop getting her pregnant. HA. Tom offers their stove, because Lynette never uses it anyway. She replies that she wishes she never used her uterus and everyone gets all silent and awkward. “Oh yeah. I ruined the brunch.” This show funny.

I just heard of this new thing called botox…

A few days later, Scruggs is working on Bree’s sink (the sinks are utter shit on that street. Have these people ever heard of garbage disposals?) when Rex gets home from work. He’s like bitch I’m hungry where my dinner at? and Bree’s like make it yourself, I’m writing a cookbook cuz you told me to make my own money. Rex doesn’t like that. He’s all a woman’s place is in the kitchen! And she’s all I am woman hear me roar! And he’s all argh beat chest argh and she’s all I’m a tight ass conservative and can entice people into reading about my beliefs with my fabulous cooking and he’s all you’re a LOSER and will never make anything of yourself so you might as well make me dinner. NOW! If Rex had been this much of a bastard the first time he was on the show I would have been making “SAVE THE PHARMACIST” t-shirts and selling them online.

He storms out of the kitchen and Bree, with tears in her eyes, packs up all of her recipes and throws them in the trash. Scruggs is all “wah I’m a sensitive handy man wah” as he looks on. Some time passes. I don’t know how much, but now Rex is dead (YAY PHARMACIST!). Bree’s sitting in her kitchen dressed in black and crying over a glass of wine when Scruggins comes in to tell her that he fixed her banister. Uh, I hope this isn’t the actual day of the funeral, as is being implied, cuz getting the banister fixed the same day is pretty cold even for B. He comes in to sit with her and is all grandfatherly and nice, because he’s the patron saint of handymen. I wish this episode was about his life, because I’d like to see him sitting around throwing darts at one of Jeff’s headshots in his tiny cottage filled with collages of Michelle Pfeiffer.

Anyone have a boner? Anyone?

Bree cries and says she doesn’t know what to do, and he hands her the recipes that he pulled out of the garbage all that time ago. I didn’t see that one coming! He saved the burnt remnants of a Jehovah’s witness pamphlet he found in the trash too, just in case she ever changed her mind and wanted some hilarious company. She is touched, because she’s too sad to be as creeped out as she should be. Also, he says that he’s made the cajun meatloaf and it was the best thing he ever ate. That must have really helped him with those clogged arteries. He tells her that she may not feel like writing now, but she very well might one day. Then she gets wasted for another year or five. Back at the poker game in the present, I mean future (Jesus does every show on TV have to confuse the hell out of me now?), Bree hugs her book and says that she knows just what to make for Scrugg’s funeral. AWWWW! She’s gonna make the dish that started him on his path to a heart attack and she’s gonna do it with a smile on her face because Bree is one cold bizatch, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Edie!! Edie’s scene starts at her house instead of at the poker game, because Cherry doesn’t want her in too many scenes with everyone else or she’ll start asking to be Photoshopped into the opening credits again and he’ll have to find another way to send her out of town. Dave, he of the beige hair, comes in to tell her that Mrs. McClutsky just called with news of the dead handy man. The camera swoops behind her head. Come on now, what history did Edie have with anyone ever on this show? Why start character development five seasons in? She probably just blew the old guy. Wow. Edie’s nose is somethin’ else. I have nothing against big noses, being Lebanese and all, I just never noticed it before they showed her profile. I’ll bet it’s in her contract to only photograph her from the front.

Papa, can you hear me?

Edie’s flashback starts with a fight with her husband Umberto. Huh? When the…what the…alright I’m rolling with it. Umberto won’t have sex and Edie’s mad because it’s been over two weeks. He calls her oversexed and says that he can’t take it so he’s going to the gym. Hello, gay. He suggests she use one of the many toys she keeps in her bedside drawer. LOL. She flings herself on the bed and guess who comes out of the bathroom? Yes! Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life! No, darn. It’s just the handy man. He was in there fixing something, most likely the shit sink because no one has a working sink on this street. She is still in her panties and bra when she asks what he thinks of her ass. He is uncomfortable and says that it’s rock hard like the guy from the Boflex commercials. She asks about her boobs and he says that they look unnatural but very pretty, like the dancing water fountain outside the Bellagio.

Why then, won’t her husband bone her? He assures her that it’s not her. He used to work in construction and his coworkers would have yelled “WAY TO HIDE THAT BANANNY, TRANNY!” and “BRING THOSE JUGS OVER HERE! WE NEED SOME SALINE TO CLEAN OUR TOOLS, MAN HANDS!” She says she is very offended by his catcalls, and very grateful.

A more creative way to hide crows feet.

After Edie gets divorced from Umberto, Scruggs comes over to paint something. I really hate hate hate that Scruggs is always in a plaid shirt that’s buttoned all the way to the very tippy top. He looks more and more like Matlock with each passing scene.

Someone I know got framed for murder again. It’s gonna take some wit and some down home charm to get to the bottom of this one!

Edie tells him that Umberto left her cuz he’s gay. Toldja! To make it worse, Umb said that it was being married to Edie that made him realize he was a momo. If she had a nickel…Scruggs tells her that she’s hawt and should be flattered that a gay dude ever got it up for her at all, and somehow this makes her horny. Oh God no. Please no. She gets up in his face and he asks what she’s doing. “You installed the mirror on my ceiling. You know what I’m doing.” AND THEN THEY BONE!!! ARGH! I was just kidding when I said that Edie couldn’t possibly have any real storyline beyond being a ho, but I was actually looking forward to finding out something else about her. And there’s nothing. The other flashbacks were pretty good. This is just… It’s just WRONG.

And this is when Scruggs thought about sleeping with another man for the first time.

Edie comes out of her flashback and Dave, who’s only a slight improvement over Scruggs, is standing there. He tells her that being married to her turned his hair beige. She asks him to get her black cocktail dress ready for the funeral. Dave thinks it might be a little sexy, but she’s sure Eli wouldn’t mind. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy for a commercial break.

After cutting tiny slits on my inner thigh, I press play and we’re back at the poker game. Penny shows up with the chain still wrapped around her ankle. Lynnete’s all “dammit! How did the boys get a chain cutter? You aren’t supposed to leave the basement unless it’s Christmas.” Penny needs help with her math and Lynnette says that she’ll be home when she’s done playing poker. Penny looks super offended and upset that she doesn’t have to do her homework right this second. No wonder they lock that little brat up. She’s a freak. She leaves, and Lynnette looks after her as the damn camera does the swoopy thing around her head.

Her flashback begins with Tom finding her in the bathroom barfing her face off first thing in the morning. She’s pregnant again. Tom’s psyched, because Tom’s a fucking tool and he doesn’t have to deal with those devil children all day. Lynnette’s mad at him, like she’s never heard of a little vitamin called birth control pills. She wanted to go back to work and get her brilliant advertising career back on track. Poor delusional Lynette. If her work was anything like the mock ups she made for Bree earlier in the season, it was only a matter of time before she was stuck at home anyway.

Tom suggests that she focus on the cute little girl they’re gonna have and she’s like “yeah right it’s gonna be another ginger halftard boy that puts crap in my shoes and burns GI Joes”. There’s a guy retiring at her old office and she wants to take that gig. She keeps breathing in Tom’s face, which is really gross. I’d be like do whatever you want just please don’t breathe on me. Lynnette gives Tom the death stare. He asks if she goes back to work, who’s gonna be the warden? She hopes that he could cut back on hours at work. His reply? “But I have a career!” Then Lynnette breaks the mirror and cuts his face with a shard. Sounds of a cat being tortured are in the background, which means the boys are awake and need breakfast. Tom dabs his bleeding face with a towel and offers to feed the boys today. How kind of you, Tom. Kind.

Why do you make me hurt you? WHY?

Cut to Lynnette looking like dog poo talking on the phone about taking over the job. Tom comes in and slips on the floor. Lynnette’s water just broke. HA. She tells him to get the car warmed up while she tries to lock down the gig. He keeps tugging at her and telling her to put the phone down until finally she tells him that if he doesn’t stfu she’s gonna pop the baby out on the floor and then beat him with it. HAHAHAAA. Then she goes into contractions, but she doesn’t hang up til she’s got the job. Tom congratulates her and says that the baby’s arm is sticking out so she should high five it. LOL. Tom and Lynette are making me laugh! It’s been a long time, people. Burn down the pizza parlor and I’ll take them off my dead to me list.

A month or so later, Lynette’s getting out of her car with a bag of groceries in her arms and a cell phone glued to her ear, yapping to her boss about coming back to her brilliant career as a pie chart maker. Scruggs is next door getting stuff out of his truck and notices that Lynette left Penny in the car seat. He shows up in Lynette’s kitchen with the baby. Woops. Lynette freaks out and starts crying and he says it’s ok, the kid was only in the car for a couple minutes. Lynette points out that it’s eighty five degrees outside and that kid would have been dead if he hadn’t been there. She hugs him and thanks him and then hangs up on her boss. See? That’s why I don’t like Lynette. Rude. Any person with manners would have picked up the phone and said “yeah I’m gonna have to pass. I almost cooked my baby. Thanks for the opportunity, though!” She wonders why her kids are monsters. Scruggs smiles at her with a little sparkle in his eye. This must take place after Edie’s flashback.

Can we have sex now?

Back in the present, Lynette tells Gabby that she has to go help Penny with her math. Aw! The lesson? Working moms are abusive mothers. That’s probably in Bree’s book somewhere between her Jesus Jelly and her If He Wants Your Opinion He’ll Ask For It Goulash recipes. Later that night, Susan pours herself a goldfish bowl full of wine and stares at Scruggs’ toolbox. Camera swoop.

Alright whoever directed this episode is just hateful.

Her flashback starts with the day she found out Carl ran away with his secretary. She’s throwing all his shit out on the sidewalk, Waiting to Exhale (edited! thanks bb) style. I’ve wanted to do that in the past, but it doesn’t work as well when you live in an apartment building. People complain about the hallways being blocked and stuff. Scruggs says that she shouldn’t feel too bad because red heads are tough to handle. The secretary isn’t a redhead! Dang, that Carl is a tiger, no? Susan gets all pissed and starts hitting the messenger, telling him that when he’s done changing the locks he can get the hell out of her house.

She’s so mad that she doesn’t even ask him to sand around her eyes before he goes.

When Susan and Mike decide to get divorced, Scruggs shows up to change the locks again and finds Susan sobbing. He tries to comfort her by telling her that they were a great couple. Nice. And no they weren’t. They were so boring that after like two episodes together Cherry had to break them up again because TVs started sending in complaint letters threatening to self destruct whenever they were onscreen together. He gives Susan a pep talk about how her love life sucks really really hard at all times but it’s inspiring to see her fall flat on her face and then get up again and keep trying over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Some people might take this as him telling her she’s kind of a needy slut who needs to raise her standards, but Susan sees an opportunity for a hug and takes it. He staples on the eyebrow that’s dangling off the left side of her face. It’s on the house.

Is it falling? I can’t feel it! HELP!

The next time we see Scruggs with Susan, he’s delivering a copy of the house keys for Jackson. She announces they’ve broken up! Dang, the guy is still recovering from a motorcycle accident. That’s cold. She isn’t crying this time, and when Scruggs says how sorry he is she’s all meh, it’s just Jackson. She wants to be alone. Which means that she’s going to spend the next few weeks being passive aggressive with Katherine and rolling her eyes at everything and making dew eyes at Mike. I am rooting for Dave to kill Mike. Anyone else? Team Beige!

Scruggs tells her he’ll fix her broken shingle, but it’s the last thing he’s ever gonna do cuz he’s gonna die retire. She says that he’s the most stable man in her life and she doesn’t even know anything about him except that he’s kinda Matlocky and has bow legs and a brother who gets all the tang in the family. She’s gonna run to the store to grab a bottle of wine so they can toast his retirement. Aw. So what was the lesson in that flashback? I have no idea, but Terri Hatcher shouldn’t cry. It doesn’t do her any favors.

She looks like one of those alien babies they put in jars.

The only person in town to not show up to Scruggs’ funeral is, of course, Mary Alice. She coos that she changed his life forever one day. We don’t have to suffer through the camera swoop thing, though, cuz a. she’s dead and b. they didn’t want to have to bring in a crane. MA was the first person that Scruggs met on Wisteria Lane. He came by while she was working on her garden one morning looking for work. She says that she has nothing that needs fixing, then notices that he has a hole in his shoe and feels bad for him. Oh wah. I’m still wearing the same Croc flops from three years ago. Let’s set up a PayPal donation fund. She says that she has a broken vase that needs fixing. He knows she’s taking pity on him, but a boy’s gotta do what a boy’s gotta do. Those plaid shirts don’t buy themselves.

The day that Mary Alice received the blackmail letter from Mrs. Huber, Scruggins came over to do some work on the house and found her all upset. She gives him the vase and says she wants him to have it. He’s all why would I want a broke ass vase? You introduced me to all your friends, so now I can buy my own hideous home accessories. She insists, so he takes it. But he notices that she is very upset. She won’t talk about it and basically kicks his ass out of her house.

Later that day, ambulances and neighbors are crowded outside her place. And there’s Huber!!! She’s another one I was sad to see killed off, but when I hear her gossiping to anyone within earshot that she just has no idea why Mary Alice would have blown her brains out all over her newly remodeled kitchen, I’m happy to know she’s dead. This episode is bringing closure to so many deaths. Scruggins stands across the street, severely depressed knowing he could have done something to help but didn’t. That day, he vowed to spend his life helping people. I know you will find this hard to believe, but I don’t really have anything bad to say because I was actually squeezing out a couple of salties during this part. Don’t tell anyone!

I was really touched until the coffin started going into the ground and Bree stopped it to put a flower in place. “I wanted to fix something for Eli, for a change.” You know what would have been better? If you’d never made him that fucking meatloaf in the first place.

Murderer!

So it looks like we have a couple of weeks off of DH! Hypnotoad will be back with the next recap! Thanks for having me, it’s been fun subbing. xo