Desperate Housewives: Tom Scavo is an A-Hole!

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Orson develops what is supposed to be a bad habit, but it’s mostly just lame and ridiculous; Gabby wonders whether lying about Brad’s affair is worth having shiny things; Susan and Katherine fight over a crappy painting as she and Mike move in together; and Tom and Lynette vie for the same job position. And Tom Scavo? Asshole. Through and through.

And McC gets a line!

Guys, I’m SOOO sorry for the lateness on this one. Next ep will be up ASAP, okay? That’s my promise to you. I wish I could promise better episodes, but, well. . . you know.

Mary Alice tells us about Orson, and how he’s always polite, which we can see when he says hello to McCluskey walking by (keep your pants on, she doesn’t get to say a damn thing), helps a woman with a lot of packages into her car, blah blah. He’s stopping by Scavo’s Pizza to see if he can help Tom pack up his pepperoni pipe dream. Remember when Scavo’s closed last week? Now where are people going to get the same quality pizza? Oh, yeah — in the frozen foods section of the grocery store. It’s called Jack’s, people, and even though it costs $3.00, it tastes like it costs $2.00.

Orson sees a salt shaker that belonged to Tom’s grandfather and offers to buy it, but it’s not for sale. Oh, the suspense! Tom is in a really pissy mood, you guys. Orson says he wants to help because he remembers what it’s like to have your livelihood taken away, since he used to be a dentist before that whole icky attempted vehicular homicide thing. Tom’s insulted since, you know, his business closed cuz of a bad economy and his son’s alleged arson, and not cuz of an actual guilty charge and jail time. He has a point, but still, how big is the calzone shoved up Tom’s ass? Credits.

I’m sorry, but that represents what Lynette will look like in fifteen years. Not for sale.

Mike’s moved in to Katherine’s house, and Katherine thinks it’s a good idea to throw a housewarming party. She gives invitations to Bree, Gabby, and Edie, but then Susan comes up and is all in their business. Gabby’s all, “We were talking about the federal deficit! Whoo, that sucker’s big.” You know, it will probably always be big, but I think it was a jibe about how the economy sucks today, and I’m really sick of this show bringing it up. Because, as I said earlier, if I want to hear that crap I can listen to Morning Edition or All Things Considered on NPR, because that’s ALL they freaking talk about nowadays. Turns out, Susan is invited, and Edie’s wondering where the cat-fight is. Me too! Also, where’s Lynette? Isn’t she like out of a job now that Scavo’s gone the way of Showbiz Pizza Place? Seems to me like she has nothing but porch-and-bitch time.

Edie’s still wondering why Susan and Katherine are down with each other, and is all, “Hey Gabby, remember when I was with Carlos?” and Gabby’s all, “Shut it, bitch.” Hee! Now THAT, says Edie, is normal. I’m sure neither Katherine nor Susan are harboring any deep bitchiness towards each other that will not boil over and come to a head in bitchslap form at the housewarming party. Are we taking bets on what Susan will fall on or have thrown on her? Hors d’oeuvres? Alcohol? Cake/pie? Feces? My bet’s on food or liquid, but it would be awesome if someone threw poo at her.

Over at Scavo’s Pizzeria of Shame and Liquidation, Lynette’s hair is trying to escape from her body, as if the hair itself has finally given up on this season and wants to get as far away from it as possible. Also, some dude is offering her $6,000 for a $12,000 pizza oven. She caves in at $6,200. The good news is that they’ll have enough money to pay the creditors and give Bree back the $20,000 she let them borrow, but the bad news is they won’t even be able to afford generic wieners made from chicken, beef, pork, and other. The asshat offers $50 for the $200 cappucino maker, which Lynette ain’t down with.

Kinda missing the wig right now.

So, remember Carlos’s boss Brad, who’s cheating on his wife Maria, who found out she was pregnant last week and wanted Gabby and Carlos to be the god-parents? Turns out they either already had two kids, or it’s nine months later and she had twins. Did they ever mention that they had kids before? Turns out, they have theatre tickets — which I’m willing to bet are for Blue Man Group because only people from the suburbs see that crap — and their sitter cancelled. So, they’re pawing off their little girls on Gabby and Carlos for the night. Maria thanks Gabby for introducing Brad up with Shaela, his “new hair stylist,” whom Maria spotted with Brad at the mall. “New hair stylist” actually means “slutty skank adulterer Shaela,” as she’s the slutty skank adulterer that’s sleeping with Brad. While Maria and Carlos go inside to introduce their girls to the Solis girls, Brad’s all, move your tennis game with Maria to noon because that’s when I want to get syphillis from Shaela. When Maria comes back out to confirm the tennis, Gabby says noon is better, and Carlos still looks blind. What is he looking at?

I’m keeping this up until I get an Emmy, dammit.

Over at the Hodge residence, the salt shaker that Orson was eyeing falls out of his jacket pocket as he puts it away in the closet. Remember, he took A PEN last week. So now Orson’s a kleptomaniac? Of stupid tchotckes? How is that interesting? Lame. Bree orders Orson to take it back, but Orson thinks he should keep it because Tom had a deep dish up his a-hole at the restaurant. Orson gives the salt shaker a ridiculous Italian accent that pisses Bree off. I must say it has the same effect on me.

Over at Katherine’s, Susan comes in to bring over a punch bowl for the housewarming party. They talk about Mike’s stuff and general lack of taste, although Katherine loves a painting of a beach, which she hung over the mantle. Turns out, Susan painted it, and the beach is where she and Mike spent their honeymoon. And now Katherine will be reminded of that whenever she looks at it.

It was bad enough just being reminded of really bad art.

Lynette comes by to give Bree a check for $20,000, and they both talk about how Tom (who is outside in his robe drinking a beer) needs a job soon. Oh, hey, Bree just happens to know some advertising dude who’s looking for someone to help out, and why don’t she and Tom come over for dinner that will segue into a job interview? Lynette wholeheartedly agrees. So, we’re all betting that Lynette will speak for Tom and end up getting the job, making Tom super jealous, right?

It’s time for the housewarming party, and apparently it was scheduled for 11am, because it’s brighter than hell outside. Susan shows up and . . . hoooollllld on a second. All four gals are in the same room, at the same time, talking to each other? Wow. We only had to wait like 13 episodes for this. Worth it? That remains to be seen. Susan begins to show them the painting, and what’s this? It’s gone? Shocking. The girls tell this to McCluskey, who flat out asks our Kathy what’s up with the painting. Katherine says that she was dusting, and it fell, breaking the glass, and is at the framer’s. They all agree it’s a lie, except for Susan, who lies that she believes Katherine. Or does she?! No, she doesn’t. Susan sneaks out to the garage and finds her painting, stashed behind all of Mike’s framed football crap. Which is wear it belongs because the painting sucks.

We’re at a liquor store now with Dave and Edie, and it’s busy, Dave says, because everyone’s buying lottery tickets for the $100 million jackpot. There’s even a priest in line, who recognizes Dave, and says he didn’t know that Dave moved back to the area. Sending Edie away to get vermouth, she overhears Dave saying that he has a different life now and a new wife. But when Edie comes back, Dave says the priest was crazy. Edie’s intrigued.

I have doubt!

Back at the party, Gabby’s on the phone with Brad, who wants her to do another favor and take Maria to the mall so he can have some alone time with his whore. Carlos, still oddly avoiding eye contact, says that they have to tell Maria. Gabby doesn’t want to because that means the end of their money, but says that maybe someone else can break the news to Maria, which means, she says, “that tomorrow she’s getting her hair cut by a slut.” Wilmer Valderrama cuts hair now? Logically, though, that plan is flawed, because if Brad wants Gabby to take Maria to the mall so he can be alone with Shaela, that means that Shaela won’t be there. Because she’ll be busy giving Brad genital warts. Which she got from Wilmer Valderrama.

Mike walks in on Susan holding the painting, which isn’t broken (but it’s still crappy). I guess Kathy told Mike that it was broken too. This causes a fight between Mike and Katherine, which Susan is all too pleased about.

So, I was wrong. Gabby didn’t take Maria with her to the mall to get a hair cut, she went by herself. Gabby’s all, I’m having an affair with a married dude and I want a haircut. I will say this, Shaela is professional, cuz she’s all about the hair. When Gabby reveals that she’s talking about Shaela and Brad, Shaela’s all, “He told me he’s going to leave her!” Of course he will, Shaela. He’ll also pull rainbow-colored koalas out of his ass and pee Capri Sun fruit drinks. Shaela holds the scissors to Gabby’s bangs and threatens to cut them if Gabby doesn’t leave; Gabby slowly slides out from under the scissors, and how awesome would it be if Gabby’s bangs curled like when you do the same thing to ribbon?

That’s a lot of cleavage for a Supercuts.

I guess Lynette did the same thing as Gabby, cuz it looks like Shaela did a number on her hair as well. Yikes, get some volumizer! And while you’re at Walgreens, get some selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors for Tom, cuz that dude is de-to-the-pressed. Lynette reveals that the dinner is a job interview and tells Tom to be more hygenic. And by “tells,” I mean “badgers.”

At Bree’s, she opens the door to get Bruce (the ad guy), and it’s Reba’s ex-husband! From that WB show, Reba! Now, I’ve only told my closest friends this, but I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: I kind of love Reba. The show, not necessarily Reba McEntire, although I am partial to some “Fancy” or “Whoever’s in New England.” And it’s really fun to imitate her singing style. Go on, try it. I’ll just wait here. Done? Okay. Bruce pauses for a moment to take out a plot device from his coat pocket. It’s a digital recorder, so that when he gets an idea, he can get it on tape ASAP. Things like, “Ad campaign for milk: Milk — it’s white. Unlike my daughter’s boyfriend,” or “Slogan for Viagra: It gives you a boner.” Hee. Bruce calls Orson “Orville,” and then says, “Orson, Orville, whatever. He came from the playground covered in bruises. Am I right?” Ha! Hahahahaha. Loving. Bruce. Bree’s boobs look huge in her shirt. Tom and Lynette enter, and Tom heads straight to the kitchen to get a beer. Atta boy!

Purple gay sweaters. Go.

Katherine arrives on Susan’s porch with flowers and pretends to apologize to her because Mike is watching from across the street. Still pissed about the painting, Susan asks what the deal is, and Katherine tells her that it’s hard enough because Mike and Susan share a kid, and live across the street, she didn’t want a reminder that they shared a honeymoon hanging over her every day. True dat. I don’t think Teri Hatcher is too into this episode. Join the club, honey.

Back at Bree’s, Bruce says he’s looking for someone to head a new division, but Tom isn’t into it. Since Tom isn’t talking, Lynette “sells” him to Bruce. Hmm, how will this end up? Bruce says that his firm represents non-fiction authors to come up with creative ways to sell the books. Books like, “Ending the Cycle: How to Stop Molesting Your Inner Child,” and “Never Gonna Happen, Dumbass: Men Who Love Women Who Love Women.” Tom says that the travel would suck, but when Bruce brings up Paris, Lynette’s all, I have 12 years in ad experience blah my graduate thesis was on the rise of the non-fiction novel. Oh, how convenient, Cherry. Tom acts like a little whiny asshole and gets jealous and pulls Lynette into the kitchen to argue about how it’s “his job,” and then Tom gets all riled up and tells Lynette that it’s a war for who gets the job. Damn, Tom sucks ass this episode.

Back at the table, Tom and Lynette go back and forth at Bruce, and you know what? I’d hire Lynette. For some reason, Tom seems really, really fake when he tries to sell himself and act all interested. Orson and Bree listen in from the kitchen as they cut the tart. That sounds kind of dirty right, cutting the tart? Just me? Lynette speaks French to Bruce, and Tom is creepy. Orson literally throws Bruce’s tart slice on the table in front of him. Hee. Then Tom does something that I find completely and totally despicable. He says something like, yeah Lynette’s great, unless the cancer flares up again. Um, too far, Tom, ya dumb blond bitch! Bruce gets up to leave, telling Tom and Lynette that he just started looking for people, but they definitely left an impression. Then, after Orson’s all, I’m sorry you can’t stay for dessert Bruce, I made tart tartan, Bruce gets out his recorder and says, “Idea for a novel, woman marries gay man and doesn’t know it.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure Renee Zellweger already has a book deal about that, Bruce. And Liza. As Bree hugs Bruce, Orson steals Bruce’s recorder; Bree spots this and pulls Orson into the kitchen, where she reaches into his pants and pulls out the “recorder.” By which I mean “recorder.” They’ll talk about it later.

Is that a recorder in your…oh it’s a recorder.

Brad’s waiting on Gabby’s porch when she comes home, and Brad confronts her about going to Shaela and totally throws John the Gardener in her face. Well, not literally, I mean I doubt Brad could pick him up. But good point, Brad. Well played. He also says Gabby doesn’t give a shit about the affair unless it means money and stuff for her. Good point. Gabby says she’s changed. Honey, you ain’t changed nothin’ but your underwear. She then says the deal’s off, and she’s not going to protect Brad anymore. Brad says he loves Shaela, and Gabby says that if he doesn’t tell Maria, then she will. Fine, that’s fine, says Brad, but tell Carlos he’s fired. Uh-oh. Gabby frowny.

Back at the Scavo household, Tom and Lynette sit in the kitchen, and Tom says he regrets saying what he said, and Lynette says it’s okay. Um, no, it’s not. Why isn’t Lynette more pissed off? Tom crossed a line, if you ask me. They laugh about what Bruce might have said into his recorder on the way home. Lynette makes a very unfunny attempt at this, and it’s so lame I won’t repeat it. Tom asks Lynette if she is really serious about wanting to go back to work, and she really wants another chance to prove herself. Tom says now it’s Lynette’s turn. Um, you mean like in season freaking two when she did exactly the same thing? Ugh, season 5, we’re done, it’s just not working out.

In Bree’s bedroom, Orson doesn’t know why he did it. I don’t know either, Orson, but I do know this: You may want to skimp on the pomade. Take a lesson from Lynette. But not too much. Just a little lesson. Orson says that people never treated him the way they do now when he was a dentist, and basically that Bruce, Tom, and Andrew deserved something taken away from them for treating him badly. Oh, ouch, Orson — a pen, a salt shaker and a digital recorder? Kitty’s got claws! The camera shows us a close up of Bree putting her earrings on her little earring tree. Gee, I sure hope someone doesn’t, I don’t know, steal them. Sure enough, Orson stares at them, walks over, and takes one. Okay, you guys — I can’t be the only one who thinks this is one of the dumbest things/plots to ever happen on this show, right?

How long will it take her to figure out who did it?

At church (huh?) Edie walks over to the priest from earlier (oh, now I get it) to talk to him. The priest freaks out and throws holy water on Edie, shouting, “The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!!” But really, Edie tells him that she saw him talking to Dave. Wow, Nicolette Sheridan looks really, really pretty right now. You guys, I’m going to miss her! At least she’ll have her lucrative . . . movie . . . career . . . to fall . . . back on. Well, there’s always sweet, sweet syndication money. Edie implores Father Lotto Gambler to tell her more about Dave, but he gets all nervous and says he can’t, and says, “Please know that my thoughts are with you, Mrs. Dash.” Ooh, salty! Get it? I’m sorry for that. She says, “It’s Williams.” The priest assumes that she didn’t take Dave’s name. Edie’s all, hmmm, interesting. I wait for her to do the fingers-to-chin rub of insightful wondering, or the eyebrow raise of interest, but no.

Susan comes over to Mike’s to get the painting back from him, and throws a hissy about it, so that Mike thinks she’s a crazy bitch and not Katherine. Meh, six and half-dozen, Mike. Katherine and Susan share a tender, violin-filled moment of knowledge. Hey, you know what? Mike’s hot.

And we’re at Brad and Maria’s, where Maria’s cutting vegetables and talking about what color to paint the baby’s room. Brad says they need to talk. And then we’re at the Solis house, where Carlos and Gabby talk about Carlos finding a new job. This is interrupted by a phone call from Maria, and Gabby says they’ll be right over. When they arrive, Maria’s all, I didn’t know who else to call, and he kept talking about what love means. Let’s play a game of Clue, shall we? I’m going to guess Maria in the kitchen with a butcher knife. Oh, yay! I win! Yeah, Maria stabbed Brad in the back. He’s dead.

Lata, pumpkin eater!

It’s time for Mary Alice’s patented end-of-the-episode voice over. She blabs about people and secrets and rude people. She’s talking about you, you know, and honestly, I don’t feel like defending you right now.

Next Week: It’s therapy for Orson and Bree; Carlos gets a job; Lynette gets a job; and Susan kisses another woman in a desperate attempt to boost ratings among straight men.