Desperate Housewives: Ladies Who Love Ladies Who Love Losers Who Love Losers

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Carlos gets a huge promotion that comes with a huge blast from the past; Lynette looks for a new job; Susan looks confused when she’s hit on by a lesbian; and Dave finally prepares for that camping trip that he’s been talking about for like 5 episodes.

Oh yeah, and Juanita beats down Bree.

Carlos and Gabby, wearing black, are headed to a funeral, and Mary Alice says that Gabby hates funerals because she doesn’t look good in black (actually, she does), crying makes her depressed (um, isn’t that why you cry in the first place? I know that’s why I can’t stop crying right now. Oh, wait, that’s because I’m watching season 5 of Desperate Housewives), and lilies make her sneeze (can you be allergic to just one type of flower? Isn’t that like saying, “Oh, I’m not allergic to dogs per se, just shih tzus.”).

Mary Alice also says that Gabby hates funerals because she’s not the center of attention, but all that changes when Skinny McRedhead asks her about what went down with Brad’s stabbing (oh, yeah, they’re at Brad’s funeral). The CEO of Brad and Carlos’s company comes up to Carlos and says that Brad had called him before he died to talk about Carlos’s performance. Long story short, the CEO never found out that Brad fired Carlos and now wants him to replace Brad — as President of the company.

Yeah well I want Gabby “fat” and poor again, but we can’t all get what we want.

Mary Alice voice overs about agendas, which leads us to Edie walking into the offices of the Mount Pleasant Gazette, the paper that brings you such riveting stories as “Arlie and Ramona Friesen Celebrate 50th Wedding Anniversary,” and “VFW Pancake Breakfast Enjoyed By All.” Seriously — I grew up in the smallest, Mennonite-iest town you can imagine, and that’s pretty much what every single newspaper looked like. Edie wants to look someone up in the archives. Oh, hey! The old guy helping her is Patty Duke’s dad from “The Patty Duke Show!” Cuz they’re cousins, identical cousins! Implausible? Definitely. Enjoyable? Hell yes.

Edie’s looking for info on Dave Dash, and the old dude pulls out the obits and finds Lila Dash, who was killed three years ago in a car crash. Car crash?! Didn’t Mike and Susan kill a couple people in a car crash?! And didn’t we all put those two things together in episode 2?! Yes. Yes we did. Also, there was a Paige Dash who died in the crash as well. This is news to Edie, who didn’t know that Dave had had a daughter. But we did, so this really isn’t thrilling.

But this still is!

Bree pulls up in her fancy car to get in on the dishy action between Susan and Gabby, who are actually dishing about a dish. A candy dish that was stolen from Susan’s house. They both think Gabby’s daughter did it, because we all know how much senorita Juanita loves her candy! But no, Susan says she remembers seeing it a while ago because Orson complimented it. Ugh, seriously? Usually I’m one for continuity, but I wish the writers would just drop this stupid z-plot and make it go away. It’s not intriguing, or interesting, mmkay? Susan’s hair looks good today. Bree quickly backs up and heads for home. She calls Andrew and tells him to cancel her lunch because Orson’s misplaced a few things and she needs to find them. Hey, while you’re looking Bree, can you try to find a good episode from this season? No? Well, keep looking, honey — there’s a good 5 or so episodes left before this season ends.

Over at an ad agency, Lynette sits and waits for an interview, calling Tom to see if any other agencies have called back. They haven’t. Two ladies, also interviewing for the position, bitch about being almost 30 and how after 35, in this industry “they take you out back and shoot you in the face.” Hee. Lynette’s up for her interview.

At the private school, Susan is forcing little kids to listen to crappy reggae music, asking them to think about how the music makes them feel and what colors they see. Did she make them drop acid or something? Anyway, this pathetic attempt at teaching is interrupted by Swoosie Kurtz. Damn, Swoosie looks good! Swoosie’s all, these parents pay $22,000 to send kids here, so they should have some crappy knick-knack from their kids to smile at when they sign their tuition bills. Susan tells Jessie (Swoosie) that she made the lesson plan today and she thinks it’s creative. Susan, sweetie, no one thinks you’re creative. After Jessie leaves, some brat tells Susan that she overheard the higher-ups talking and that Susan’s going to be evaluated this week, and the last bitch who screwed with Jessie got fired. With that, Susan’s all, we’re making vases today! Way to conform, Suzy Q.

“Watch your bony ass, biatch!”

Orson comes home to find Bree sitting at the dining room table, upon which sit about 15 or so tchotchkes that Orson’s stolen. ENOUGH! Since I hate this crap more than I hate toothpicks shoved under my eyelids, I’m going to fast-track it: Orson says he gets a thrill out of it (lame), Bree says he should see a shrink, Orson says he’ll stop and return everything and apologize, Bree says she won’t have him admitting he did it, and she’ll take care of putting everything back.

At Susan’s, she’s apparently invited Jessie over for dinner. Susan says it would be nice to “let loose and drink a little wine,” and she compliments Jessie on looking hot. Susan talks about Mike and how “she’s through with men,” and when she bends over to grab something, Jessie checks out Susan’s ass. And no, Jessie’s not all, wow, you’ve really let yourself go. Turns out, Jessie’s a lady-lovin’ lady.

Skelesexual

Back at Dave’s house, Dave has the living room filled with camping supplies. Remember when they planned to go camping, like IN FEBRUARY?! Didn’t they say it was going to be “this weekend?” or something? Anyway, Mike says Katherine isn’t going, which displeases Dave, who tries to convince Mike to bring Katherine. Fascinating.

Jessie and Susan are kind of drunk, and Jessie says that she’s given up on love, but Susan tells her she’s pretty and smart and a catch, and puts her hand on Jessie’s knee. Susan says that they should keep what happened a secret, meaning the drunk part, but Jessie agrees, meaning the lady-lovin’ part, and gives Susan a kiss on the mouth as she leaves. The kiss? Is lame. It doesn’t really last long enough to be uncomfortable, nor does it seem like a romantic kiss. Just a drunk, maybe-a-tad-too-long kiss.

In the morning, Susan discusses the kiss over cards with Lynette, Gabby, and Lee. Gabby asks her what the kiss was like, and when she doesn’t remember, Gabby gives her a little peck, and then a big ole smooch to compare. Susan says it was the second one (which it so wasn’t — if anything, it was in between). Lynette congratulates Susan on dating a lesbian, and Lee’s all, “See you at the parade.” Hee. I’ve missed Lee.

Huuuuge fan of your subtlety.

After the card game, Lynette asks Gabby for something (Gabby: “Oh, sweetie, I’m flattered, but I only did that to help Susan out.” Ha!). Turns out Lynette heard that Carlos is looking for a new director of marketing, and wants Gabby to put in a good word for her. Gabby says she doesn’t really feel comfortable since she knows nothing about Lynette’s career, and even though this is a valid point, Lynette gets insulted and leaves in a tizzy.

Carlos and Gabby are hosting a dinner for Carlos’s new Vice President, who is one Lucy Blackburn, who used to live with Carlos. As a roommate. And then they slept together. As roommates. Hell, I’d sleep with Carlos if he was my roommate. I’d be all, “Oh, sorry, I don’t have a bed yet.” And he’d be all, “Yeah, we’ve lived together for over a year.” And I’d be all, “Well, what can I say? Beds are expensive. Honey, we talked about the underwear in bed. Take it off.” Gabby’s surprisingly okay with all of this. On opposite day! Gabby, of course, freaks out. When Lucy arrives, she’s fuller-figured than Gabby surmised, and now Gabby’s on board. Obviously, because no man could ever love a woman larger than a size 2. I mean, duh!

They actually make more sense together.

During dinner, as Lucy leaves to take a business call, Gabby asks Carlos if he was surprised to answer the door and find Jabba the Hut instead of Princess Leia, and is shocked when Carlos is all, no, she looks about the same. Ha! Suck on that, Gabby! Blah blah blah Gabby insulting Lucy’s weight blah, and Carlos is all, she’s witty and smart and confident and that’s very sexy. Huh, really? Cuz I like ‘em stupid and completely devoid of self-esteem, but pretty. Lucy and Carlos flirt a little. Gabby asks if they’re still looking for a marketing director, because she knows someone — someone who can spy on them at the office and then report back to her. That’s our Gabby! Putting her needs above everyone else’s. You go, girl.

Now we’re treated to a montage of Bree returning items that Orson has stolen to people’s houses. It goes like this: She asks to borrow something, and when they go to get it, she places the object in a completely random and obvious place. All goes well until Gabby realizes that she doesn’t have any eggs, comes back to the foyer, and spots some Mexican hat candle or vase or something right out in the open where Bree placed it. She wonders where it came from, and then yells for Juanita to come down. Turns out, it’s “McCluskey’s sleeping Mexican.” Oh, oops, Bree. Although, it is funny that Bree assumed that because it’s Mexican, it must belong to Carlos and Gabby. Awww, she’s such a Republican! Gabby yells at Juanita, accusing her of stealing it, and telling her that if she doesn’t tell the truth then she will cancel her birthday party. How will Bree handle this? When Gabby cancels Juanita’s birthday party, and Juanita’s all, maybe Bree did it, Bree doesn’t do anything. On her way out, Bree sees Orson leaving Bob and Lee’s house, putting his hands inside his jacket pocket, all shifty-like. Sure enough, Orson stole a Bernadette Peters in Gypsy coffee mug. The only thing Orson hasn’t stolen is my heart.

PS Real life gays would have the Patti LuPone mug.

Lynette is at an interview, and the guy wants to know how old she is, leading Lynette on a tirade about age and aging, until the guy is all, we landed an anti-wrinkle cream ad campaign, and that’s why I wanted to know. Lynette says she’s 54. Liar! She’s at least 55.

Back at home, Lynette complains about how the dude at the interview didn’t even blink when she lied. I guess Lynette is 43. Tom’s all, “You’re 43? But I’m 2 years younger than you –” And Lynette’s all, “Nobody cares how old you are, Tom!” Hee. There’s a knock at the door. Who will it be? The president of ABC? No, it’s Gabby, telling Lynette she talked to Carlos and she got the job. Even after Gabby finds out Lynette accepted another position, she insists that Lynette take the position at Carlos’s company. Lynette says she’ll think about it if Carlos matches her current offer, $100,000. Lynette likes to lie. Gabby says that’s not a problem, and there’s some chick named Lucy she’ll need to follow around. Shouldn’t be hard, since she’s so freaking huge, right Gabby?!

Over at school, Jessie and Susan have an awkward discussion where Susan tells Jessie that she’s not gay. Jessie’s reply? “Nice boots.” Hee. Jessie refuses to take no for an answer, insisting that deep down, there’s a lesbian inside Susan trying to get out. Susan says that she’s more concerned with the lesbian outside that’s trying to get in. Ha!

She’s got a point.

Katherine’s working on her plants, when she’s interrupted by Douchebag Dave who’s disappointed that she can’t go camping. He says that he was hoping to get to know Katherine better, saying that Mike’s gotten inner peace since she started dating him, and it would be so great to become “buddies” with the woman who did that for him. Katherine buys this load of shit and agrees to go camping. She asks Dave if he thinks she really made a big impact in Mike’s life, and Dave’s all, oh yeah, “if he lost you, it would destroy him.” Not so much as losing his son, though. Why isn’t Dave going for MJ? You know, since his own kid was killed? Anyone at the writer’s table think of that? No? Oh, right, because you were too busy thinking up things like, “Oooooh! I got it! Orson . . . steals stuff! Stupid crappy stuff!”

Back Our Lady of the Ladies Who Love Ladies, Susan comments on two kids’ pictures of a gazelle and a rhino, and Jessie turns that into a metaphor in which gazelles=women and rhinos=men. They both have horns, so that analogy is lost on me. Anyhoozlebees, Susan says that on a safari, she’d be more excited about rhinos. And Jessie’s all, you’ve never had an experience with gazelles? She hasn’t. Soon the metaphors give way to reality, and Jessie’s all, it’s cuz I’m old, isn’t it! Susan comes clean and says that she invited Jessie over because she wanted a good evaluation.

Meh. Shoot em both.

At Carlos’s job, Lynette talks about attracting high network clients in a “down economy.” Blech, enough with the economy talk! Stop trying to relate to us! You crossed that bridge in like the 1st episode of the series! Lynette says that Christie’s is giving an auction on a yacht at St. Bart’s, and it’s a good opportunity, and Lucy’s all, I haven’t been to St. Bart’s since Carlos took me there to celebrate a promotion. Lynette’s all, whaaa? Carlos says it’s a good idea. Lynette confused. She asks Lucy about Carlos, who says that she and Carlos used to live together, and she says it’s cool that Gabby’s cool with everything. If by “cool” you mean “completely self-absorbed and psycho,” then yeah, Lucy. Agreed.

Back at school, Susan apologizes, and Jessie says she was planning to give a good evaluation, and Susan says that even if she didn’t need the job, Jessie would still be the type of person she’d want as a friend. Jessie doesn’t want Susan’s pity, but Susan’s all, I love pity. I do too. You know what I love more? Pity money. Or pity presents at a pity party, thrown by you. Susan spouts some bullshit about how pitying means someone cares. Well, sort of. Jessie and Susan commiserate about putting themselves out there and still ending up alone. Then Susan says something that’s awesome: “Love doesn’t happen to everybody.” Word. I absolutely hate it when I say something like that, and people are like, “Oh, no, don’t say that! Don’t worry, you’re going to fall in love someday!” You know what? I probably won’t. And I really don’t give a shit. Susan says she has friends to be there for her when it’s lonely, and Jessie says that would be nice. They hug. Aw! Gay/straight alliances are awesome.

Maybe I will find love after all.

Gabby’s waiting on Susan’s porch when she gets home, which is creepy, kind of. I mean, what, did Tom just hand her a cup of coffee and say, “Well, okay. See you later.”? As soon as Gabby mentions Lucy, Lynette takes the opportunity to bullshit Gabby, asking if Carlos takes his shirt off at the computer at home too . . . Oh, god, sorry, I passed out and hit my head on my Miller Lite bottle. Where were we? Right. Carlos shirtless . . . Look, I just need a minute, okay? Talk amongst yourselves. Here’s a topic: This season of Desperate Housewives is neither entertaining nor interesting. Discuss. Okay. I’m back. Lynette says the jig is up and calls Gabby out. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter!

Dave’s packing for his camping trip while Edie lounges in a robe, as if to say, “That’s right, bitches — Get. A load. Of me. While you still can, cuz I’m hopping off this gravy train in about 2 months!” Edie asks if Dave wants kids, for example, a pretty blonde girl. Ooh, devious! Dave says that he “had . . . this . . . friend” who had a daughter, and loved the crap out of her, until she died in an accident. And since that day the “friend” said a part of him died too and spent the rest of his life in a daze wondering about her. Geez, Edie, Dave doesn’t want kids. HE JUST. WANTS. TO GO. CAMPING!!!!

How we should all dress for deep emotional talks.

Over in therapy, Bree discusses Orson’s condition (I believe it’s called stupidexia lameeosa) with Dr. Bernstein, while Orson sits there. Because he’s Bree’s boy-bitch. Bree refuses couples counseling and leaves. Orson tells the doc that she’s angry because it’s something she can’t control, and he loves it.

Dave says goodbye to Edie and says that there’s no phone at the cabin, but his cell should work. Wheeeee.

Back at the Mount Pleasant newspaper office, some dude tells Patty Duke’s dad that he found a newspaper article for that lady (Edie). Patty Duke’s dad says it can wait, and the camera shows us the article: “Daughters of the American Revolution Hold Record-Breaking Bake Sale.” Oh, wait, that’s not the one. Let me see . . . Ah, yes, here it is: “Fairview Man Won’t Be Charged In Accident That Killed Two.” There’s a huge ass pic of Mike next to it. And because we’ve all known about this shit since fall of 2008, I think we’re all thinking the same thing: Record-breaking bake sale?! That’s awesome! Because you know what? That’s more interesting.

Mary Alice voice-over. “Friendly people, with hidden agendas.” Dave, Katherine, and Mike pile into Mike’s truck, as Mary Alice says some agendas won’t be discovered until it’s too late.

Fairview Man Promises to Wear Plaid Every Single Minute of Every Single Day of the Rest of His Life to Avoid Jail Time.

Next Week: Bree worries about her marriage, Lynette worries about her job, Gabby worries about Lucy, Edie worries about Dave, and Katherine worries about the sexual tension between Mike and Dave. Probably not, though.