Desperate Housewives: Marc Cherry Hates Nicolette Sheridan

This week on Desperate Housewives: Dave’s plan to get back at Mike finally comes to fruition; Gabby whines about sex and money for the 18th time in 2 episodes; Bree thinks about selling her company to stop Orson from being the biggest baby ever; Lynette doesn’t do much; and Susan runs into Karl and his kid.

Also, Marc Cherry hates Nicolette Sheridan.

OMFG, you guys. I am so, so, so sorry about the lateness of this one. Almost two weeks! But if you want to blame someone, blame GE (the makers of the Bitenuker) for making such a shoddy speaker product that the speaker plug broke off in my Macbook’s speaker jack, therefore giving me no sound. No sound at all! My thanks goes out to the good people at the Apple Store in Skokie, IL, who do God’s work. Now let’s put this bitch to bed!

What’s this!? We don’t open with a blah blah metaphor blah by Mary Alice? No, we do not.

Even she is speechless at the sight of this sweater.

Dave is on a pay phone, telling the ranger station that he thought saw some people huntin’ illegally up at Emerson Lake, and he knows people like to go campin’ up there. Apparently, fresh woodsy air makes Dave drop the “g” on the ends of words. And apparently it gives him a slight Southern accent. But who am I to judge? I speak to myself in a British accent. All the time. But then again, my hair is a color actually found in nature.

Ah, here’s Mary Alice. She says Dave had been planning the murder for years, and here’s how it goes: First, he’d take Katie and Mike camping, then pretend to be asleep while they left to go hiking, and then he’d shoot them when they stopped to take a breath. Or to take a number two. Whatever. Ergo, ipso facto, Dave would devastate Mike by shooting Katie. Really? I don’t think he’d be THAT devastated. This is why Dave called the ranger station. Then he’d drive home, enjoying Mike’s pain. Okay, not that I plan on getting revenge on anyone (yet), but the whole thing sounds pretty lame if you ask me. Where’s the torture? Where’s the bitch-slap with a hand gun? Where’s the scary Chinese guy who pulls out teeth? Oy, I’ve been watching too much Alias. Now THERE’S a show that knows how to give good revenge. And also, plot. With the exception of season 4 perhaps. Anyhoozies, Patty Duke’s dad asks his assistant to fax Edie the news stories, one of which shows the flannel-y picture of Mike. Apples and credits!

Just pour her a shot glass of Drano and be done with it.

Mary Alice talks about jolts to the system as various secondary characters get shocked by appliances. Hmmm, shocks . . . could this be a metaphor for something else? Ah, yes. It is, because Suzy-Q is shocked (shocked!) to find Karl at her school. He looks good in a suit. Apparently, he’s enrolling his son, Evan, in the same school. Wow, Evan’s hair is . . . disturbing. Susan and Karl argue cuz Susan doesn’t want everyone to know that Karl is her ex, because having 2 ex husbands isn’t cool. Somewhere, Ross Gellar is watching this and saying, “Yeah, right. Try 3 divorces! Three divorces!! My sandwich!!”

This hair is child abuse.

Over at Carlos’s place of business, Lucie is throwing down the gauntlet, telling everyone that they have to work nights and crap, even Lynette, who coaches her daughter’s basketball team. Huh. I’m surprised she even remembered she had a daughter. Also, Lynette is touching Lucie’s figurines which Lucie hates, so I guess that little plot will come back later. Everyone complains about working late and junk. Lucie’s all, if you’re on commission, you’ll make a shit ton of money, and if not, you’ll get to keep your job, which, “in today’s economy, is a bonus all to itself.” Shut. Up. About. The economy. Because you just reminded me, Cherry, that I haven’t found a job in 4 months, and just yesterday found out that I didn’t get a job I interviewed for last week. Just show us people sleeping with each other’s husbands, beige hair, and lame klepto b-stories, mmkay Cherry? When Lynette and Carlos are alone, they talk about missing their kids, and Lynette wants Carlos to get Lucie to change her ways.

Bree’s at the shrink’s office with Dr. Bernstein and Orson. Bree “Master Berater” Hodge gets the doc to tell her why Orson has been stealing: To hurt Bree. Cuz she emasculates him. And apparently the doc as well because she makes him leave while she and Orson discuss things. What did Bree do to her hair? It’s awful high in the back, and it makes her look like Roger the Alien in one of his wigs. I heart Roger! Orson’s all, I’ve been on the back burner while you run your business, and I’m dying being Mr. Bree Hodge. Oh, waaah, it’s so hard sitting around while your wife makes millions of dollars. If I were him, I’d be out buying a solid gold DeLorean with Bree’s quiche money. Stop complaining, ya big-ass baby!

But if you get a divorce, who gets to keep that purple sweater? There’s gonna be a huge fight over that one. Mark my words.

Over at the Solis house, Gabby “Never Satisfied” Solis complains about how Carlos isn’t around so much anymore, now that he’s doing what she asked and earning hundreds of thousands of dollars. She wants a quickie on the table like old times, but Carlos says they never did it on the table, and it must have been someone else. Oopsie daisies! Carlos leaves, promising they’ll do it tomorrow night. Anyone else sick of Gabby having nothing to do but complain about Carlos not earning enough money and then complaining when he has to work all the time? I swear, she’s been doing this for like 5 episodes in a row.

Over at Edie’s house, she’s out of fax paper. She calls McCluskey, who doesn’t have any fax paper either (um, why would she? I find it very hard to believe McC would have a fax machine). She agrees to pick up stuff for McC at the store tomorrow when she gets fax paper. Oh no! Now Edie won’t find out about Dave and Mike “Too Much Flannel” Delfino until after the break! Oh the suspense . . . less . . . ness.

Ugh, Susan’s “teaching.” Evan apparently drew a man stabbing another man in the stomach with a sword. Susan’s concerned, but I actually don’t see the big. Kids like violence. Plus, it’s a sword, and two random dudes, and it’s not like the kid was all, “That’s mommy. She’s stabbing daddy with a knife because he slept with his secretary. This is a can of gasoline that we poured on him, because mommy says fire cleanses everything. Everything. Fire cleanses everything. Except my soul.” But enough about my kindergarten days.

At least he didn’t draw anyone with a gun, cuz gun violence is growing among children and that would be bad. This? Cute.

Meanwhile, Gabby’s over at Lynette’s to talk to Tom, since they’re both stay-at-home moms and all. I’m digging this unorthodox combo of Gabby and Tom and I hope it happens more often. Gabby’s over for gossip, but Tom don’t give no good gossip. Gabby attempts bitching instead, complaining about how Carlos doesn’t want to do it, and Tom’s like, girl please! Guys always want to do it! Even if they come home late and are tired, and have been “shot in the leg. Twice!” Hee! Tom says she has to make Carlos feel like a horny teenager. Then he asks if Lynette’s ever talked about their sex life. Awkward! Gabby leaves.

Susan’s called for a conference with the principal and Karl about Evan’s drawing. Again, I don’t see the big deal. It’s not like he’s the creepy kid from The Ring who calls his mom by her first name. The principal leaves to take a call, letting Karl and Susan argue for the 1,875th time on this show. Karl’s all, this is really about you hating me and not wanting my kid in your class and Richard Burgi starts YELLING REALLY LOUD AND OVERACTING! The principal walks in when Karl is all, “Bite me!” They argue in front of the principal, and things get out of control and Susan throws paint on Karl, like he’s an Olsen twin and she’s PETA.

Bree is at home on the phone and she’s inquiring about selling her business, finally making a deal on an offer this Mr. Dinsmore made awhile ago. Wha?! Why? Orson sits next to her and grabs her hand. What the crap? Lame.

Fun fact: Did you know PETA killed 95% of the animals it rescued in 2008? The more you know!

Over at Edie’s, she and McCluskey are perusing through Edie’s shopping bags. McC and Edie argue about Dave, and McC softens a bit when she hears that Dave’s wife and kid died in an accident. McC is all, “I could use a drink. Come over to my place, and we’ll crank up Dean Martin, and toss a few back.” Awww! That’s so sweet and awesome. Come on, who wouldn’t want to hang out with Edie and McCluskey and drink some whiskey chased down by some Pabst Blue Ribbon 40s?! I know I would. Like, every day. As they leave, we find that Edie still hasn’t put any paper in her fax machine. As a realtor, that’s kind of bad business, if you ask me.

Bree looks at her wall of accomplishments and awards and crap, and Andrew “Used to Be Interesting 2 or 3 Seasons Ago” Van de Kamp comes in and tells her that Mr. Dinsmore is waiting. Over tea with Bree, Andrew, and Mr. Dinsmore, Orson’s says that Bree is ready to be Mrs. Orson Hodge again and cook only for him. Blech. And to think I used to like Orson. Turns out Bree is giving up her office as well. Andrew’s wondering why Bree is doing this, and Bree says that she didn’t realize the toll her work has taken on Orson. Bree says she believes in old-fashioned values like pie and George W. Bush and shit, and says that a woman has to make sacrifices to please her husband. Like letting him wear her panties? Andrew’s voice of reason is all, if Orson really wants you to be happy, why would he want you to give all this up? Bree confused.

Back at Lucie’s office, Lynette comes in with a glass figurine so ugly that even Laura from The Glass Menagerie would reject it, and that bitch is crazy. Lucie calls Lynette out on her asking Carlos to tell Lucie to stop being so demanding. It apparently didn’t work, because now Lucie wants Lynette to work every Friday, and “if [she's] as bad at coaching as [she] is at office politics [her] daughter won’t miss much.” Oh, ouch! And true. I don’t see Lynette being a good asset to the Little Dribblers.

If you want a softball coach, might I suggest you just ask this chick? You know she plays.

Orson comes back in to The Kitchen of Tomorrow with the contracts, and Bree’s all, this is happening so fast. She now wants to wait, asking for one year. And Orson, being the baby boy-bitch he is, is all, I need this to recover. Shut up, Orson! Bree asks if Orson really wants her to give up her dreams and stuff, and he says that he does. Evil! When Mr. Dinsmore comes back in, Bree says she’s not selling. Meow! Orson’s all, I may start stealing again. Bree says, “Steal what you must, my love, but it won’t be my company.” Dialogue by V.C. Andrews, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, hey, I actually forgot about the camping trip. Wow, Dave’s hair is like a beacon in a storm. Mike’s asleep on the couch (Dave: “That’s what a long day of fishin’ does to ya.”). Katie says that Mike’ll need energy for the hike, but what’s this? Dave’s knee hurts, so he can’t go, and it’s such a “romantic hike” that the two of them should do it alone. I’m sorry, but I’ve yet to be on a “romantic” hike. Because this is me after 5 minutes: “Okay, okay, let’s . . . can we . . . just . . . Stop . . . I . . . I need a rest. And . . . and a Marlboro Ultra Light . . . Hiking’s hard!” And as I pour a bottle of Aquafina all over my head, and light up a smoke, the other person’s all, “We’re still in the parking lot.” Katie’s like, you always have such a good attitude. Ugh, please. Dave says he had to teach himself to be that way because of all the stuff that’s happened to him. What’s his secret? Katie asks.

I’m fucking insane. Thanks for taking an interest.

Dave said he had to realize what was important, go after it, and make himself happy. Is he happy? Katie asks. He’s getting there. “Why don’t you get some sleep. You got a big day tomorrow,” Dave says. A big day of dying! Mwahahahahaha!

Carlos is at home on the horn, talking to Lucie about a conference at 7am, when he finds Gabby in a silk robe and some slutty lingerie. She tries to seduce Carlos, and she’s so close to getting Carlos’s shirt off, but it doesn’t happen, and it pisses me off. He wants to spice things up by tying Gabby (with shoelaces??) to the bed, and when he does, he just leaves her there and is all, “Good night,” so he can get a couple hours of sleep. Rude.

And kinda ILLEGAL.

Back at Susan’s classroom, Evan turns in a drawing of a house with a garden, which is so nice. And boring. Turns out, though, it’s Annie’s — she asked him to turn it in for her. What, Annie’s too busy eating paste to turn in her own drawing? Skank. Anyway, Evan’s is of a man stabbing a woman with another sword. Still don’t see the big.

Oooh, here’s where things MIGHT start getting interesting. Let’s not get our hopes up, though. Edie puts paper in her fax machine. Mike and Katie leave for their hike while Dave pretends to sleep. Dave, already dressed, jumps out of bed when the two leave. Edie is still putting paper in her fax machine while Dave runs through the woods with his rifle, or maybe it’s a MP5. Hey, I play Tomb Raider III, I know about guns. And oddly square boobs. Anysnooch, Edie pulls out her fax to see . . . an ad that says she can take a trip to Cancun for only $500! Wait, no, sorry. It’s the story about Mike and the accident. Meanwhile, things go as planned as Katherine stops to rest and Dave has a clear shot. But right as he takes the shot, his phone rings and he misses, hitting a tree next to Katherine. She and Mike head back. Turns out, Dave got a text from Edie: “I KNOW EVERYTHING. COME HOME NOW. EDIE. PICK UP BEEF JERKY AND MAXI PADS ON THE WAY. ” Okay, I made that last part up. Dave runs into Mike and Katie on the way back to the cabin and is all, I heard a gunshot, must have been hunters. Yeah, hunters that want to shoot people! And have hair that glows under a black light! Katie wants to go home immediately. Oooh, Dave not happy.

But this HAS to be done in the forrest! Can we try again next week?

Back at Gabby’s, Gabby opens up a box of shoes with a note from Carlos apologizing for tying her to the bed. She tells her girls to grab their coats cuz they’re going to see daddy.

Karl is at Susan’s place, where he reveals that the woman in the drawing was Evan’s mom who left six weeks ago, after saying that she couldn’t be a mother. Awwww. Karl’s all, I understand how you act like you do (like a kluzty-ass psycho hose-beast?) because I did the same thing to you. Susan takes the high road for once and says that she’s sorry for Karl.

At the office, Gabby hands the girls off to Lynette while she goes to Carlos’s office to bitch about money or sex. Because that’s what Gabby does. That’s all she does. All the time. Carlos is like, you told me to get the job but now all you do is complain about how I’m never home. Word, amigo. Gabby says that he’s right, and now things are like they used to be back in the day — Carlos working all the time, Gabby unhappy, Carlos buying her things. Gabby’s scared.

Gabby’s girls want to play with Lucie’s ugly glass thingies, and Lynette makes one of her patented half-assed sarcastic attempts to stop them. So Lucie walks in on the Solis girls playing with the figurines, and when she sees a Hispanic cleaning lady outside, assumes that the girls belong to her, and yells at her, and of course Carlos and Gabby show up while she’s doing this. It sounds kind of funny, but in reality, it’s not. Lucie apologizes and Carlos is all, so what if they were the cleaning lady’s kids, that’s how you talk to people? Lucie says the stress is getting to her, and Carlos is all, maybe we should change the way they do things; having a company that treats people well and lets them go home to their families, that’s what’s important. Lucie ends up being fired by Carlos.

Juanita, you saved the day, girl.

Ugh, back to Orson and Bree. Hate. This. Plot. Orson is making up the couch so he can sleep on it. Bree wants to figure out a way to make Orson happy. How about adult diapers and a binky? Orson decides to go for a walk. Dave, Katherine, and Mike are back from their camping trip. Orson spies a partially open window of someone’s house and decides to go for it. Dammit, Cherry!

Dave walks into his house to find Edie, sitting on the stairs with a glass of wine. She says that she always wondered why Dave wanted to move to Wisteria Lane, and it turns out it was all because of Mike Delfino. She breaks out the newspaper story, and talks about how Dave Dash couldn’t go to the funeral because of a nervous breakdown and how she pieced it all together. Like we did 16 episodes ago. Dave tries to explain, and Edie, on a good red wine buzz, wants to know why Dave married her. Dave says he did because he loves her, but Edie is all, “No! You married me because you needed a cover story! So you could get close to the man who killed your family.” Edie wonders out loud what he’s going to do next and what he’s been waiting for. She asks for the truth about hurting Mike, and Dave says Mike destroyed his world and now he has to make things right. Edie breaks down and picks up the phone to call Mike, but Dave starts to strangle her before she can make the call! He lets go, though, before Edie passes out or dies or anything. Oh, thank god, Edie’s okay! We can all relax.

Orson’s in some old lady’s house, trying to steal stupid crap, but she hits him with a bat! Ha! It’s pretty awesome. Orson runs away into the street as Edie drives down Wisteria Lane at high speed while dialing on her phone. She swerves to avoid Orson (um, why? Plow right through that son of a whore, Britt!), and drives head first into a utility pole, which breaks and makes sparks and crap. Orson, being the complete douche that he is, runs away instead of helping. Man, I hate Orson so hard. Oh, thank god, Edie’s okay! We can all relax. At least until she stands in a puddle of water, while gripping her metal car, and gets electrocuted. Damn, what’s next? Feral dogs come up and start eating her? And then she gets hit by an asteroid? And then a homeless guy takes a big steaming poo on her? Wow, Cherry, I don’t know what kind of beef you have with Sheridan, but that’s just not cool.

She almost lived, but then contracted consumption.

Next Time: The gang reminisces about Edie. Aw, that’s sweet.