Desperate Housewives: Oh my god, Cherry killed Edie! You bastard!

This week on Desperate Housewives: Edie’s dead. I know we were all hoping for a coma to drag her out through the end of the season, but no. Cherry don’t care about the fans. The girls take a road trip with Edie’s ashes, giving them time to reminisce about Edie and say lame things in probably the cheesiest episode of DH ever, one that really doesn’t honor the character of Edie in any way. Wow, bitter much, Hypnotoad? Yes. Yes I am.

At least she got to give Susan one last “you’re the biggest moron I’ve ever met” look. AW!

Before we start, did anyone else read those catty comments by Ms. Sheridan and Ms. Cherry? Cuz I did. Who was the winner? I’m going with Nicolette. Because she’s right — her comments about how the show has gone downhill? Spot on. And because, let’s face it, whether you’re gay or straight, you’d rather sleep with her than Marc Cherry. Am I right, people? I know I would, and I usually stay away from the womany nether regions.

Oh, hey, Edie’s narrating this episode? I sure hope she hits us hard with the metaphors like Mary Alice does. Something about equating pie with relationships or something would be nice. Like, “Because sometimes people, like pie, can be crusty. And if you’re not careful handling them, they can burn you.” Damn, I could totally write for this show! Edie narrates about what happened last week when she crashed and burned. You know what? Methinks Nicolette isn’t too into the narration. And why should she be? Marc Cherry hates her. People leave their homes to rush outside to find Edie lying on the ground. They stare at her rockin’ bod for awhile, then finally “all hell broke loose” and everyone starts caring. Susan whispers to Edie that she’ll be all right, and Edie narrates about how Susan was wrong again. And then? Edie dies. Dammit! Credits. A part of me wants to turn this bitch off right now, but I won’t. Because I have a commitment. To you, my friend.

I just wanted to relish this look again. Thank you for indulging me.

As Edie narrates, a couple days after she died, Dave asked the ladies (including McCluskey, yay!) to go on a mission. A mission to build a rocket so he can go back to Planet Beige? Sadly, no. This mission includes scattering Edie’s ashes. I’m guessing at a biker bar. Anyway, as they’re driving, they decide to reminisce about Edie. This better be new stuff, cuz I ain’t in the mood for a lame flashback episode. Edie deserves more than that. Oh damn, Bree overdid it on the hair volumizer today. Yeowza. Susan, being the weenie that she is, says they should focus on the nice things Edie did. Meh. That’s nice, but I kinda want to see Edie skankin’ it up. Bree is all, Susan you and Edie always hated each other. “Yeah,” says Susan. “That’s what everybody thinks.” Which segues us neatly into what is probably a flashback. Or maybe a broadway song. God, I hope not, though.

Bree just rolled out of her trailer and jumped in the car. Glad you got a nap in!

Susan’s Flashback: Susan is throwing away her trash outside when she opens it to pull out a donut. First of all, gross. Second of all, I would totally do that. Edie, out jogging, spies her and offers her money to buy a new donut, or alcohol, or crack. Hee. They introduce themselves to each other, and I’m pretty sure this whole scene (and probably the whole episode) is retcon, but whatev. Susan invites Edie in for coffee (although Edie wanted a margarita). Susan thinks they’re going to get along just fine. Then we find Susan and Edie jogging, and Susan, out of breath, tells Edie that she hates jogging, even though they’ve been jogging for a week. A couple neighbors we’ve never seen before, walk by, and Edie tells Susan that she’s sleeping with the man, who is married. Susan gets all judgey-wudgey and says that she can’t be friends with Edie anymore.

A couple days later, Edie knocks on Susan’s door with some bad news: She saw Susan’s husband with another woman. Susan of course, doesn’t believe her, and says that Edie’s just trying to get back at her for, you know, calling her a whore. Edie: If I wanted to get back at you, I’d have joined them for a three-way. Ha! I can see why they’re getting rid of Edie. Her snarky comedic timing coupled with her lack of respect for the wimpy other characters, therefore calling them out on their shit is really bringing the show down. She’s just too interesting! Susan says that Karl took his secretary out for dinner, which Edie scoffs at. When Susan says Edie’s doing the same thing, Edie’s all, uh-uh, dumbass — your husband’s secretary wants Karl for keeps, I’m just in it for a little fun; I ain’t breakin’ up no marriage, ho! But Karl’s secretary is. Again, Susan no likey, and slams the door on Edie.

Susan is way too entertaining. Get rid of Blondie so we can bore the audience to death.

Annnnnndddd, we’re back in the car on the way to scatter Edie’s ashes — I’m assuming at the free health clinic. Susan says that a couple weeks later, she found out Edie was right. Gabby says that no matter what you say about Edie, she knew a lot about men. Susan laments the fact that she and Edie could have been good friends. Lynette’s all, “If she knew what you were doing for her, she’d forgive you.” And, um, also, she’d be alive. Anyway, people make lame jokes about Edie and ashes (this episode is pretty far south of funny), and now it’s time for . . .

Lynette’s Flashback: Lynette talks about how the gals took turns driving her to chemo, but no one did it like Edie. Edie comes over to Lynette’s with a DVD for Lynette, and Katherine’s there too, with a “fermented brown rice shake” and a salad with radish and bok choy. Edie’s all, “What’s for dessert? Water boarding?” Oh, how topical. Edie offers to drive Lynette to chemo so that Katherine can do her errands. But she has to make a little stop on the way. And of course the stop is a biker bar. Edie’s all, tequila shooters and pool! Lynette’s all buzz-killy, and Edie’s like, you’re being lame, so suck it up and be the strong Lynette Scavo that we all know and love, and screw cancer! So, Lynette sucks it up, downs a tequila shot and sets out to play pool with a one-armed biker.

She’s gone! Now you can go back to being a wuss.

Back in the car, the gals laugh probably the fakest, lamest laugh I’ve ever heard in the history of television. All of a sudden the car makes a sound and gets all bumpy. Oh no, they have a flat tire! Anyone know how to change a flat? Apparently, McCluskey is the only one. As McCluskey changes the tire, Bree says that Edie used to “live around here” when she moved from Wisteria Lane. On the road? In the forest? Because that’s all that’s “around” there, Bree. But of course that’s just a set up for . . .

Bree’s Flashback: We’re in a jail, and the stereotypical chubby butch female warden calls Bree’s name. She’s there to see Orson, but she just can’t force herself to sit in the filthy filthy visiting room. It’s okay, Butchy McChubwarden says, because Orson already has another visitor scheduled anyway, and she visits him every week. Oh, who could it be?! The suspense is mildly annoying me! Bree uses bribery to get the name of the woman who visits Orson. Bree knocks on Edie’s door, and Edie’s all, “And you didn’t bring muffins?” Hee.

Give me your muffin.

Bree spills it, and Edie says that the jail’s fifteen minutes away and she feels sorry for Orson. Bree wonders if Edie is trying to start something with Orson, and Edie’s all, “He’s in jail! My boobs are impressive but they can’t bend iron bars.” Ha! As Bree leaves, Edie asks why Bree hasn’t been visiting her husband. Bree admits that jail is gross and like a zoo and it’s humiliating just to step foot in that place. Edie’s all, he went to jail for you, do you have any clue how much he must love you? So “suck it up” and go visit him. Edie’s all about sucking it up this episode. Which isn’t much different than other episodes. Just, you know, in a more figurative way. Ew! So Bree goes to visit Orson in prison. They have a heartfelt conversation, the entirety of which has already been covered in earlier flashbacks and episodes throughout the season. Pointless!

Back at the car, Bree says she was embarrassed to tell everyone about that little escapade. The tire’s fixed, and they head back on their way, but not before Gabby says mysteriously, “How do you think he’ll react?” And Lynette replies enigmatically, “How do you think?!” And I think to myself cryptically, “Why did Cherry make this season suck so hard?” Susan wonders if Edie spent much time thinking about her death, and Gabby’s all, “Yeah, I think she did.” Oh, lord, this can only mean one thing . . .

Gabby’s Flashback: Gabby and Edie are going out on the town shortly after Gabby’s divorce. They go to a club, where some dude buys Edie a drink like .05 seconds after they arrive. Has that ever happened to anyone? Ever? If so, don’t tell me about it, because it will make me hate you. Ooh, ouch, the bartender says the drink is for Gabby. I don’t see why Edie cares, because the guy is kind of an ugmo. The ladies get all bitchy and snipey about who is hotter, and pretty soon it becomes a bet to see who can get the most free drinks from guys in an hour. And we’re treated to a montage of shameless cleavage showing, flirting, and drinking. At the end of the hour, the gals show each other their swizzle sticks or straws or whatever. Gabby wins. But here’s the deal: Even if each drink had two straws in it, as drinks sometimes tend to do, Gabby would have had at least 20 cocktails. And bitch ain’t drunk at all. Neither is Edie, who had at least 15 or so. Ah, yes, Gabby says swizzle stick “number 17″ is on it’s way. 17 freaking cocktails?! How is that ho still standing?!

Ok freak, that’s why you’re not getting drinks. You look crazy.

I guess Edie abandoned Gabby at the bar, because Gabby pulls up in a cab to someone’s backyard where Edie sits on a swing, all depressed. Okay, I think that Eva Longoria Parker is playing it a little bit tipsy, which is a good instinct on her part, but still — 17 cocktails?! 17!! Anysnooch, Edie laments her youth and good looks and says that ever since she was a little girl, she knew that she’d never reach 50 years old (yeah, she barely dodged THAT bullet), and therefore she appreciates life in a way others don’t, she just didn’t expect the years to go by so quickly. Gabby says that she’s crazy, and 50 years from now, they’ll still be tramped-up ho bags, hitting the town for free vodka-Ensures with Metamucil chasers. Gabby invites Edie over for a bottle of wine. Listen up frat boys, cuz THIS is binge drinking. Learn a lesson.

Back in the car, the girls pull up to their destination, Beecher Academy. And Gabby’s all, “Are we ready for this?” And Bree says, “Can you ever be ready to tell a boy his mother is dead?” I’m sure the ghost of Edie is floating around somewhere, saying, “Suck it up!” The gals enter Travers’ room at the academy (Travers is Edie’s horribly-named son, if you’ll remember. I believe he was in season 3 quite a bit, and he always looked a little bit stoned, if you ask me. I mean, he was only like 10 or something, but still. Dude looked like he waked and baked.).

Travers grew up to be quite the little jail-bait hottie. He wonders about his mother, and Lynette sits him down to break the news. Bree says that they can’t find his dad because he’s out of the country, and since Dave and Travers have never met (um, what? I call shenanigans on that b.s.), Dave asked 5 ladies Travers barely knows and probably hasn’t seen in like 6 years to break the news that his mom died in a horrific accident. Awesome! Travers says that he and his mom weren’t very close, and that he has a class to get to, so they should go so he can get on with his studies. Isn’t this always the way it goes on television? Like, when someone’s parent or kid or wife or whatever dies, the person’s like, “Well, I have to get to work,” or “Well, I have to go grocery shopping,” or “Well, I have to go dump my wife’s dead body in the pond behind my house.” Wait. Maybe not so much the last one, but still, it’s always like this, and then someone else will be all, “It’s okay to grieve! Let it out! She knows you love her even though you didn’t get to tell her that one last time!” And then the person will sob uncontrollably. Susan tries to make Travers see that Edie loved him, but Travers is all, she handed me off to my dad and didn’t even try to raise me. And then, of course, McCluskey grabs Travers and is all, “you need to know something about your mom, and I’m going to tell ya!” Yeah, subtle. This statement can obviously only mean one thing . . .

McCluskey hair.

McCluskey’s Flashback: McCluskey says she’d only known Edie a year when this little episode occurred. McCluskey sits in her house drinking in her bathrobe when Edie pops in. Turns out it’s the anniversary of McCluskey’s son’s death, and McCluskey says that Edie’s lucky she doesn’t have kids, but Edie says she does have a son. She says she gave her ex-husband full custody, and McCluskey says that’s not the same thing as a kid dying. Edie explains that she did it for Travers’s sake, that she really tried to be a good mom, but if her son was going to “grow up normal,” then she had to let him live with his father. McCluskey asks if she’s afraid her son will hate her, and Edie’s all, “I love him enough to let him hate me.” Oy. Um, that’s it? THIS is supposed to demonstrate Edie’s love for Travers?

Apparently so. McCluskey tells Travers that Edie loved him more than he could imagine. Travers starts to cry a little and leaves for class. As the ladies leave, Travers runs outside to thank them for coming all the way up there to tell him about his mom. Gabby presents the urn to Travers and Susan says he might want to scatter the ashes somewhere. Like Planned Parenthood. Travers tell the ladies to take the ashes, since they were her best friends and can think of the perfect place to spread her. Like the back seat of Karl Meyer’s car.

Or here.

They get back to Wisteria Lane at night, and McCluskey asks where they should spread the ashes. No one wants to do it tonight, and they agree to talk about it tomorrow. But McCluskey’s not so sure. As she sits at home, drinkin’, holdin’ Edie’s ashes, she wonders, “Well, Edie, what are we going to do with you.” And at that moment, the door blows open magically. McCluskey walks outside with the urn and says, “Subtle as always, I see.” In the morning, McCluskey gives each of the gals a little bit of Edie to put in their own little urns. Bree thinks they should say something, but Gabby says Edie wouldn’t want them to get all schmaltzy. Lynette says they should all say one word that summed Edie up. Gabby: “Edie Britt was sexy.” Bree: “Perceptive.” Lynette: “Strong.” McCluskey: “Beautiful.” Susan needs four words: “One of a kind.” Me: “Whore.”

The ladies separate, and Edie narrates again: “And that was how Wisteria Lane became my final resting place. My ashes were spread over grass I had once walked on [Lynette's backyard]. Beneath trees that had once given me shade [flowers under Bree's tree]. On top of roses I once admired [front of Gabby's house]. And beside fences I once gossiped over [fence in Susan's front yard]. And after my friends had finished saying goodbye, a wind came along, and took what was left of me into the air. As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I began to let go of white picket fences, and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things which seem so ordinary. But when you put them together they make up a life. A life that really was one of a kind. I’ll tell you something: It’s not hard to die when you know that you’ve lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived.” Yeah, so I take back what I said at the beginning: I kind of would have preferred a flashback of previous Edie escapades from seasons past.

Edie owned a vacuum cleaner?

Okay, here’s how I would have ended the episode: McCluskey, Gabby, Bree, and Lynette scatter their ashes outside and shit. And then we see Susan dumping her ashes in her toilet and flushing them down, and Edie narrates something like, “My ashes were scattered — Hey, Meyer! What the hell?! You suck, you bitch! I always hated you, you effing skank! Screw you, Meyer! Fuck you, Cherry!”

And so, this is the end of Edie. She entertained us, perhaps more than any other character. Who else could call Susan out on her stupid shit? Who else could wash her car in a bra? What other 40-something ho bag could roller skate down Wisteria Lane in pigtails? I will miss you Edie. I think Cherry is doing us fans a big disservice by letting you out of Wisteria Lane, and for giving Nicolette Sheridan absolutely nothing to work with in this, your last season. Oh, Edie — I wish your send-off hadn’t been so cheesy and lame, but what are you gonna do? It’s season 5. I wish Nicolette Sheridan good things, whether it’s that horse farm crap she was rumored to be starting, or a Lifetime movie. And Ms. Sheridan, I give you kudos for getting off this Titanic before anyone else involved realized it hit an iceberg and started sinking. And to close this recap, I leave you with this very apropos quote from Ms. Sheridan in that TVGuide interview: “When the show started it was such a different beast. It was exciting and dangerous and funny and edgy and bizarre. It started feeling a little complacent, and that was very frustrating.” Right freaking on, sister.