Tonight on Desperate Housewives: As the season winds down, the show becomes less and less interesting. Orson lies; Carlos sees Lynette naked; Gabby and Tom argue; and Susan reveals a dark secret to Dave.
So Mary Alice tells us about some oldie called Rose who . . . well, she’s been through a lot in her life, what with people dying, and false teeth, and clipping coupons for cat food even though her cat, Mr. Tinkles, died in 1986. Turns out, this is the old bitch that Orson tried to steal something crappy from like a month ago. She hit Orson with a baseball bat, fulfilling a fantasy that many of us have had this season. Unfortunately, Orson survived, and Edie almost hit him with her car. How come Edie dies but this schlub gets to live another day to steal his neighbor’s coffee mugs and Good Housekeeping magazines from 2007? Lame, Cherry. Anysnooch, Katherine visits Rose in the hospital, where the nurses have apparently given her a makeover to make her look like a whore. What is it with lipstick and the ladies of Wisteria Lane? Rose says that Death was the one that entered her house, but she beat him away, and instead he killed Edie. Katherine’s skeptical.
Will they let me take this Ho Red Lipstick home?
Mary Alice blahs about hiding mistakes, as Boreson (hey! Let’s call Orson “Boreson” from now on, ‘kay?) tells the doc that he “fell” and bumped his head. As he was getting dressed. In the dark. On the stairs. Bree says she can’t take any more shenanigans (join the club, bitch) and Boreson says he’ll be a good husband from now on, with no more lies. Oh, how I wish that were true.
Meanwhile, over at Dave’s house, Gabby knocks on his door, but Dave doesn’t answer. The gals (the usual, except Katherine instead of Bree) are worried, especially Susan, who left a casserole on his doorstep three days ago and is surprised that squirrels haven’t gotten into it. Lynette wonders if anyone’s seen any dead squirrels. My, how droll. The gals say that they need to keep checking up on Dave (why do they care?). None of them can, because they have work, and Gabby has a Garden Club meeting. The other gals make witty remarks about “hot, shirtless gardeners” with “rock-hard abs,” and it’s actually quite funny. Katherine says Mike can check up on Dave. Insert another comment about Susan’s cooking, and we’re out.
Over at Dave’s, Mike comes in with a shirt on. Lame. You know, I would totally be willing to forgive the overall crapiness of this season if all the guys walked around with their shirts off. Dave sits in the kitchen with a bottle of liquor (whiskey, maybe scotch) and mopes, and when Mike tries to help, Dave goes a little ape-poopy, and . . . Dude. Looks like Dave got a Kardashian spray tan on his face. What’s up with all the redness below the eyes? Mike leaves because Dave’s got a puss on.
Red doesn’t look very good with beige, but it’s cool to see someone match their hair to their wall color.
Tom is lifting weights in the bedroom when Lynette comes home. He says Lynette can “cop a feel” of his biceps if she wants. Tom is all randy, but of course Lynette shuts him down, for many reasons. One, she’s a cold, emasculating shrew. Two, she took a shower at work. In Carlos’s office. Tom gets all freaky because she already spends like 16 hours a day at work and now she’s showering in Carlos’s office, and it’s too much, TOO MUCH! Please. Is there anyone here who can see Lynette and Carlos together? Either one or both of them would end up in prison, the hospital, or the morgue after one day. Tom’s putting a kibosh on the Carlos’s office showers.
Over at the garden club, Gabby’s not really enjoying it, because there’s actual gardening involved. Gabby, wanting to just sit around and drink martinis, says that she’s going to start a coup. Two women are in, and they conspire to get more women to join them in their uprising. It’s good to be involved and have a cause to fight for. Whether it’s one laptop per child in Africa, or the right to drink margs on your porch and bitch about your neighbors. Circle of life. Turns out, though, that the leader of the club, Edna, has 6 chicas gettin’ her back. Gabby, Blonde, and Red figure they can get 6 ladies on their side. Who can break the tie? And at that exact moment, Tom Scavo magically jogs by. “Can men join the garden club?” Gabby asks. Red says sure. Oh no, Gabby Sue, what do you have in mind? Whatever it is, I’m sure it sounds funnier than it will actually play out.
That’s totally something fat Gabby would have worn to church.
Boreson tries to get info about Rose from his doctor, and says that Rose has and always has had dementia or something. Boreson says he’s worried about her going home by herself, with no family. The doc says that social services would probably just stick her in some state-run facility, and he’d hate to see that. But Boreson says she may hurt herself or someone, and wouldn’t the hospital be liable? Oh no, Boreson Sue, what do you have in mind? Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s even more uninteresting than it sounds.
I’ve got an idea! Let’s lie yet another old innocent woman into a crazy house for the second time this season!
What’s this? Carlos? He’s still in this show? Oh, dip, he pulls up to Lynette’s house and who does he find on the porch? Penny! I thought she was locked up in the basement again! Also, it’s been so long since I’ve seen her that I kind of think she’s being played by a different actress again. You know what could prove me right or wrong? The internet. But I’m a lazy, lazy man, my friend, so that mystery will remain unsolved. For now. Penny says that Lynette’s not ready for the morning carpool to work and is still in the shower. What?! He runs inside! The meeting got moved up!! Carlos totally texted Lynette!! She didn’t get it?! No?!! Oh my god, she completely did not!! Aaaaaaaa! Lynette falls in the shower, and Carlos enters to find her unresponsive. Oy vey.
FLASHBACK: Desperate Housewives writing room, a few weeks ago. Ho-Ho and Snoball wrappers line the table. The smell of regret and half-assedness fills the air.
WRITER 1: Hey, anyone catch that rerun of Sex and the City last night?
WRITER 2: Yes! The one where Miranda hurts her back getting out of the shower and then Carrie’s boyfriend Aidan comes in to help her and he totally sees her naked?
WRITER 1: Yes! Let’s use that!
WRITER 2: Okay! But is there some way we can change that so it’s not like, exactly the same?
WRITER 1: Hmmm. What to do. What to do . . . I know!
WRITER 2: What?!
WRITER 1: How about, instead of Miranda, we change it to Lynette.
WRITER 2: Oooh, edgy! I like it! Go on . . .
WRITER 1: And instead of Aidan, we use –
WRITER 2: Mr. Big!
WRITER 1: No. Wait for it . . . Carlos.
WRITER 2: Brilliant!
WRITER 1: Great! So, what about the other 35 minutes of the show?
WRITER 2: Eh, throw some Orson plot stuff in there. People seem to like that.
She’s face down! It’s our lucky day! Leave her there!
Carlos gets off the phone with the doctor’s office and tells Lynette that she should be fine or something. Lynette wonders aloud how she got to the bed from the shower. Without clothes on. Carlos says he carried her to the bed, but all he was thinking about was whether or not Lynette was safe. Well, that and his indiscriminate boner. Lynette says Tom can never know. Carlos agrees, even though he wants to tell people he was a hero. I think he means he wants to tell people that he ATE a hero. Sandwich. For lunch. Yesterday. Cuz carrying Lynette to the bed and then calling the doctor? That’s a smidge south of Heroville. Also, didn’t Lynette kiss Carlos in like season 1 or 2, and didn’t Carlos tell her it was good and that if she ever wanted to do it again, she was welcome? Something like that? Do the people who write for this show ever watch it? Or do they just watch Sex and the City? I guess we’ll never know.
Over at Gabby’s, she’s handing out drinks to the garden club bitches. Seems like the only digging for dirt these gals are going to do today is — I’m sorry. You knew where I was headed with that, but I just can’t bring myself to say something so lame. That’s Mary Alice’s job. Tom’s over in the corner with Red, and she’s touching his biceps. Gabby pulls him into the kitchen to thank him for coming but he must be bored and now he can go if he wants. He says he’s met some nice people, but Gabby says that Red likes married men and he should watch his back. Or his indiscriminate boner.
Bree is arranging flowers while Andrew asks about Boreson and how he said he’ll “change.” You know what? Andrew’s boring. Really, really boring. Remember when he smoked pot in front of Bree and then made her slap him which he parlayed into child abuse? Ah, good times. Andrew says he sees through Boreson and he’ll be looking up divorce lawyers, just in case.
Leaving this kid in the middle of nowhere did him some good. Not us. Him.
Oh, Susan. I forgot about her. Mike comes into her house, and Susan’s mopping the ceiling. Turns out she was cooking. Mike says she needs to use lids, or “lee-yids.” Since when does Mike have a Southern accent? Disarming. Mike relays the Dave sitch to Susan and says that “all of a sudden, it’s as if Dave resents [his] and Katherine’s relationship,” and about how it must be hard for him to see people in a loving relationship. “Maybe you could look after him.” Ha! Zing! Susan says she’ll stop by tomorrow to see Dave. She says that seeing Edie lying there in the street the other night made her think about the car accident that they had. When they killed two people. Although, they didn’t, because if memory serves me correctly, Dave’s wife ran a stop sign. And the stop sign was actually down. So, if Dave wants to get revenge, technically he should write a letter to the Department of Transportation and/or the State Highway Commission. Which may be more interesting than his actual plot this season. Mike’s all, “We did what we had to do.” Susan: “Look what it did to us.” Little M.J. runs down the stairs, calling “Daddy!” And Mike’s all, what the hell, who is this little fuc–oh, right; I have a kid. I forgot about that. Mike takes him for the weekend or whatever.
It’s the next day, and Susan brings over some sandwiches in a picnic basket for Dave, and begs him to let her help him, since Edie was her friend. Dave drops the bomb that he’s selling the house and putting some of the money in a trust for Travers, which is what Edie would want. As Susan puts the sandwiches away in the kitchen, she notices Dave’s gun, inconspicuously placed on top of a bag of clothes. In the kitchen. Just lying there for everyone to see. Wow, is he the worst criminal mastermind ever or what? Thinking that Dave is going to try to kill himself, she tells Dave that she needs to clean up the house if he’s having a realtor over, and then takes the gun, his knives, and all his belts and ties. She calls Katherine on her cell phone while she’s driving, and gets pulled over by a cop for doing so. The cop sees the picnic basket full of knives and the gun and pulls a gun on her himself and tells her to step out of the car. Oh, Suzy Q, what adorable mess have you gotten yourself into now?! Katherine drives by, talking on her blue tooth or whatev, and says that she got Susan’s message. Upon seeing Susan on the ground, about to get pistol-whipped by the cop, she says she’ll call Susan later.
Meanwhile, Gabby spies Tom riding in Red’s car, and when she asks Tom, he says that he had car problems and Red followed him to the garage to give him a ride. Gabby says that Tom can’t see Red anymore, which turns into an argument, with Tom saying that if Gabby wants to turn a ride from Red into something it’s completely not then she can fuck off. Although, he says “screw off” because it’s ABC. I wish they could just bleep instead of having to settle for the junior high swears.
Ugh. Boreson. He talks like a gay robot sent back in time to save the world from something when Bree arrives at the doctor’s office. “Hello darling. Please tell me you’re here to spring me. Not that I haven’t enjoyed every moment of your poking and prodding, doctor.” The doc says Boreson looks like he got smacked in the head with something hard. Like the boring branch of the metrosexual tree in the purple sweater forest. Bree runs into Katherine at the front desk. I guess Katherine’s here to help Rose pack or something since she’s getting carted off to a nursing home. Katie tells Bree about how Rose has been going on about how death broke into her house. She tells Bree that “death” tried to steal her knick-knacks and then smacked him across the head with a bat. Bree begins to put 2 and 2 together. Math is hard!
Carlos and Gabby have Lynette and Tom over for dinner. Lynette wants to know more about the Garden Club, since Tom is enjoying it. Tom says that, with the exception of one person, it’s great. Gabby tells him that he needs to look out for “hoes” in a garden, or something. Tom then says that at first he wasn’t sure about Lynette and Carlos working together, but now, it’s fine. Except for that whole shower thing. By which he means, Lynette showering in Carlos’s office. Carlos thinks he means the whole “carrying your unconscious, naked wife to your bed.” Oopsie-daisies. Tom didn’t know about that. And Carlos didn’t know that Lynette took a shower in Carlos’s office. But Carlos told Gabby, which makes Tom tell Lynette that marriage is about “full disclosure,” which makes Gabby spill the beans about Red, which makes Lynette mad about Tom not telling her. Yeah, I get it. Gabby and Carlos communicate, Lynette and Tom don’t tell each other anything.
Over at Bree’s, Boreson and Bree drink tea. Gayest straight couple ever. Bree wonders why Boreson was out so late. Boreson says he was out for a walk, which Bree doesn’t really believe, and excuses herself to see Andrew. She goes over to his house and says that Boreson’s lying again, and that she may need to divorce him. Andrew asks how he can help.
At Katherine’s house, she and Mike are getting ready for bed and are talking about Edie and Dave and crap, and Katie says she doesn’t want to live with regrets. Mike concurs. Katie says she’s been meaning to tell Mike something for a long time. She begins with, “You’ve seen those commercials for Valtrex, right?” Except not, but that would be awesome. She tells Mike that when she wanted Mike to move in with her, she was trying to manipulate Mike into some sort of commitment, but that’s not who she is. Um, it was last season, Katie. Oh, wait. That was 6 years ago. From now on, she says there’s no hidden agendas. She says that Mike’s the guy she’ll spend the rest of her life with. Mike looks a little freaked.
Susan returns the picnic basket of death to Dave, although the cops kept the knives and gun. Susan apologizes and says that she just wanted to help Dave, but says she’ll leave. Dave tells Susan that he and Edie had a bad fight the night Edie died. He conveniently left out the part where he strangled her because she found out he wanted to kill Katherine to get revenge on Mike. Susan says that it’s not his fault, and he has to move past it or he’ll lose everything that’s good. Like his hair. She then says that she totally knows what Dave is going through, and tells him that she and Mike were in a car accident and that a mother and daughter were killed. She says that they said that Mike was driving, but she was actually the one driving. After the crash, she couldn’t find her license because she switched purses and left her license at home, and Mike took the fall. Was she really driving? I’ll have to go back and watch the first episode, but I don’t want to because I just want to forget this entire season. So, now Dave knows who he REALLY has to get revenge on. Thrilling, thrilling stuff.
Do you like camping?
Back at work, Carlos walks into Lynette’s office and says she should have told Tom the truth. Carlos says it’s sweet that even though she and Tom have been married for a long time, they still get jealous. Lynette is embarrassed about the whole shower thing, but Carlos says he saw her naked body and she has nothing to be embarrassed about.
Tom jogs up to Gabby and they apologize to each other. Tom says he was kind of glad that Red was coming on to him because Lynette is always too tired or working to give him even a handy j. Gabby says she understands and that’s what led her to cheat on Carlos. Tom says he’d never do that, especially with Gabby watching his back. Aw, I like that they’re friends!
Mary Alice, whatchu got for us tonight? She says that people cover things up and disguise things. How can people hide feelings successfully? “All it takes is a friendly gesture. And a plan.” Dave tells M.J. that he shouldn’t play in the street, cuz he could get hurt, and that would hurt his mommy.
Next week: Gabby goes without makeup; Bree hires a divorce lawyer; and *sigh* Jackson returns.