Desperate Housewives: Pot Roast Abuse

Tonight (or today, if it’s daytime when you’re reading this) on Desperate Housewives: Jackson and Mike bond (but not nakedly) much to Susan’s chagrin; Gabby whines AGAIN about being poor and ugly, Lynette does something seriously icky, and Bree is pretty much a bitch to everyone throughout the entire episode.

I’ll get you, Batman!

Previously on Desperate Housewives: It’s now the year 2013 on Wisteria Lane; Edie moved back with her only slightly creepy new husband; Gabby was fed up with being a wife and mother and being poor and ugly; Susan and Mike got divorced and she’s now dating Jackson; and Lynette inexplicably lost two children. And McCluskey only had 2 lines.

The title of tonight’s episode is “We’re So Happy You’re So Happy,” which is from Sondheim’s “Into the Woods,” which I love love love. I’m gay, what do you expect?

Mary Alice voice-overs about Jackson, Susan’s boyfriend. Apparently he’s handsome and thoughtful, but he doesn’t have a good sense of timing. Jackson goes out to get Susan’s newspaper in a teeny-tiny robe, but to his surprise, someone else is in front of the house. It’s Michael Phelps in a guest-starring role! Just kidding. Thank god. Although I wouldn’t be surprised, since that kid is on everything these days. But . . . Desperate Housewives is in the future now, so it wouldn’t really make sense . . . Ugh, whatever. Look, I’m sorry for that joke, okay? I wasn’t thinking.

Uh oh. You’ve got competition, McCluskey!

Anyway, the guy in front of the house is none other than one Mike Delfino, ex-plumber of Susan, if you get my drift. And I think you do. Awkwardness ensues as Jackson explains who he is, and Mike calls attention to the fact that his teeny-tiny robe is open. Ha! Mike Delfino is funny in the future! Susan lays in bed, worrying about how her new boyfriend likes to use poppers while they do it and yells out “Justin!” when he has an orgasm. The manly voices outside stir her from her slumber, and she has a typical Susan reaction (read: wide eyes and little grunting noises) when she sees Mike and Jackson talking from her window. She does not, however, do the Susan Squeal. Yay! Let’s hope that’s one thing that stays buried, along with Felicia Tilman’s thumb. Bring Felicia back, Cherry! Put another bookend on that story! We need closure, and better plot lines! Also, Paul Young? Dreamy. Hunky. I know, I know, but still. I’d take him over Jackson any day.

So you have a new gay boyfriend. What happened to Seacrest?

Susan runs outside to talk to Mike, who is dropping off one of M.J.’s video games. Mike says he’s gonna have to hang with Jackson to see if he’s cool to be around their son. Susan’s all, no need for that! And, you can’t boss me around anymore! Mike threatens court and child-support and hearings and Susan’s all, “Um . . . .” So she caves. Mike will pick up Jackson tomorrow. And hopefully kick him out of his car while he’s driving down a dirt road. I’m sorry, Gale Harold fans! But Jackson is about as interesting as wood paneling. Susan and Jackson have coffee in the kitchen, but Jackson forgot the paper, so he goes back out to get it, and runs into . . . M.J.! Oh no! As Chandler Bing once yelled, “Can open! Worms everywhere!”

Shortened credits. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo! Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo! Thanks, Danny Elfman!

Mary Alice blahs about good neighbors, a first time for her. Not! Be more original next time, ya freakin’ dead lady! Edie’s new husband, Dave, helps Katherine put a light in over her porch. Damn, Dave got back! Nice and tight, Dave. Nice and tight. Thanks for more man-candy, Cherry! Edie is in a tiff and starts packing her bags, all pissed because McCluskey told her her breasts were “a triumph of German engineering.” Hee! Ah, marry me, McCluskey. Except don’t, because you’re like 70. Dave is nipping out in his white polo shirt. Nice. And tight. Edie wants to move away, but Dave calms her down. However, Edie says she doesn’t understand why they had to move back to Wisteria Lane. Dave’s reply? “We can be happy here, and I’ll make sure people treat you with respect.” Normally, this would sound nice, but the evil, atonal music suggests otherwise. The tinkly piano music means bad news, people.

Never trust a man with beige hair.

Shabby Gabby opens her mailbox and is happy that she got an invite to Mrs. Downing’s party and – AAAAAHH! She walks in on Carlos massaging a client in the living room. Yeah, I know, it sounds hot, but the guy is like 500. Gabby? Not happy. They argue about money (some things never change) and Gabby tells Carlos to take the massage job at the country club so she can afford to buy a new dress for the party at the . . . country club. Oh, this sounds like a great plan. Ricardo Antonio Chavira is pretty good at playing blind. He’s also pretty good at looking shirtless. Would it kill you, Cherry? Just once! Per episode! Sheesh.

Back in the plot line that no one really cares about, Jackson is ready to hit the town with Mike, just as soon as he picks out a shirt that doesn’t make him look like a douche. It’s not as easy as it sounds. I mean, this is Jackson, after all. His upper body is oddly proportioned. I mean, not that mine isn’t (yeah, thanks Busch Light), but then again, I’m not on Desperate Housewives. Susan preps Jackson on what to talk about with Mike, but Jackson wants to be himself. Susan says that if he doesn’t get along with Mike, Mike will take her to court, and if it comes down to Jackson and her son, Jackson will lose.

At Lynette’s, one of The Damons is in his room on his computer. Lynette asks him about some kid at school who got caught selling drugs. Lynette hopes that The Damon doesn’t hang with him, because drugs are bad. Except your own son’s ADD medication, right Lynette? That stuff is kick-ass! Sigh. Wherefore art thou, Season 1? That one’s for you, Georgiababe! Anyway, Porter (I guess) doesn’t hang with the hoodlum, so Lynette’s all, fine, whatever. Lynette walks into a room, and . . . holy crap! It’s Parker! He isn’t dead or locked in the basement after all! Yay! He was my favorite, mainly because the kid who played him was so darn cute. Let’s see if you measure up, Future Parker. Maybe by sweeps we’ll see Penny inexplicably. Continuity, Cherry. Lynette asks Parker if Porter hangs with the drug kid, and Parker says he can check Porter’s “Silverfizz” account. Which apparently, is just like myspace, except it’s not myspace. And I googled it, and all I could come up with is the “silver fizz,” a drink made with gin and an egg white (I shit you not). So, unless I’m wrong, it’s not a real site. I’m sure I just misheard or misspelled it and someone in the comments will point out that it is a real site and that I’m a dumbass. Whatev. I can take it. Next!

Wait. So people use these things to…COMMUNICATE?! WTF?

Bree is showing her new cookbook mock-up to Orson and Andrew. Andrew loves the font, but Orson doesn’t like the fact that Bree is using “Mrs. Van de Kamp,” instead of “Mrs. Hodge.” Andrew says something stupid about hearing the milk go bad and leaves. Bree likes the sound of Van de Kamp and thinks Hodge is like “the sound a plunger makes.” I think that “Van de Kamp” sounds like a frigging fish stick company. Because it is! And no one ever mentions it in this episode and it pisses me off! I like their breaded fish fillets. It may not be Long John Silver’s, but it ain’t bad. This causes a bit of tension between Bree and Orson, and she says she’ll make Orson’s favorite pot roast tonight. But she can’t, Andrew says, because she has a meeting with her publicist. Oh, well. Tomorrow night, Bree says. Thrilling.

At McCluskey’s house, her cat, Toby, stares and purrs at Dave. McCluskey brings Dave some lemonade, and he brings up Edie and how upset she was. McCluskey says that’s what she and Edie do: “I tell her she’s easier to get into than community college, and she says my face looks like a knee.” Ha! Oh, McCluskey. Two word hyphenate, Cherry: Spin-off. Dave doesn’t look enthused and tells her to apologize to Edie, but McCluskey says that Edie can talk to her in person if she’s offended and Dave doesn’t even know her. But Dave says he does, that she’s lonely, and she should try to keep the few friends she has left. Tinkly piano music means Dave is up to no good. McCluskey asks him to leave. Don’t eff with McCluskey, Dave.

I called her a pathetic old windbag and she’s not charmed. Darn. That usually works.

Back at Susan’s, she paces the kitchen until Mike drops Jackson off at the door. They had such a great time that they’re going to O’Brien’s later this week for some kick-ass potato skins. They go upstairs, where Jackson begins to lick and kiss Susan’s ear. Susan stops him because he’s never done that before. She realizes that Mike told Jackson about the ear thing and is not pleased. Jackson ain’t gettin’ any tonight! She bans Jackson from seeing Mike again.

Shabby Gabby is cleaning the windows on her porch. Bree saunters up to her and tells her that Gabby can’t come to the Downing’s party. Wow, way to be a good friend, Bree. Bree says that Michelle asked her to dis-invite Carlos and Gabby because Carlos works at the country club now, and “staff” can’t interact with guests. Bree tries to act sympathetic as Gabby whines about how she used to be rich and fabulous but now she’s not. I get it, Cherry. Now give Gabby something else to talk about, mmkay?

I get letting yourself go a bit after two kids, but come on. Orange zebra print? Never.

Lynette is at her laptop and tells Tom that she’s set up a Silverfizz account to stalk her son. She’s posing as another teenage girl. Oh, shit, better alert Chris Hansen and the staff of To Catch a Predator! Wait, hold that thought. I don’t want Lynette to shoot herself. Lynette has found that Porter writes some really great poetry, but Tom tells her to cut that crap out now that she knows that Porter doesn’t hang with the druggies. Lynette says that she’ll do that. You know what? I just don’t believe that she will. Tom leaves to get some fish heads to throw at Penny in the basement, and Lynette opens her laptop again. Oh, Lynette! You so crazy! Also, that feeling of icki-ness you’re getting from Lynette posing as a teenage girl to fake an interest in her son? Yeah, that’s just going to get worse as the episode goes on. Just so you know.

Porter sits at his computer and chats to a girl whose screen name is Sara J. Porter actually types, “I luvs me some Walt Whitman!” “Sara J” who is Lynette, obviously, types back “Emily Dickinson kicks Walt Whitman’s ass!” Probably. That bitch was crazy! But here’s a lesson I learned from my Emily Dickinson Seminar: She really didn’t care for Leaves of Grass. She thought it was a filthy, filthy book. Also, she liked birds and stuff. Porter calls “Sara J” out on her love of “spinster poetry.” Ha. That’s sort of a good one. “Sara J” asks if Porter has a girlfriend. He says he doesn’t, but there is a certain girl he’s interested in. “Sara J” tells him to send her a poem, cuz girls eat that crap up. Oh, there’s no way THIS is going to blow up in anyone’s face. Nuh-uh. No way.

Play with your boobies.

McCluskey’s cat is missing! Oh, Toby! Dave asks her what’s going on, and McCluskey asks for his help. It seems Toby must have gotten out through the open living room window, but McCluskey doesn’t remember opening it. Dave asks her if she’s apologized to Edie yet, and since he’s about to help her find her cat, that she should consider apologizing to Edie. Okay, so far, nothing this guy has said has really been THAT creepy, and if it weren’t for the music playing in the background, then we would all think he’s just some boring guy with a nice ass. Lame, Cherry. Lame.

Bree is at a radio station, about to give an interview with the host. They start, and Bree says she’s traditional, and likes to gather the family around the table for a good meal. Yeah, maybe in 2005. But this is 2013 honey, and we cut to Orson sitting alone, eating Chinese take-out. During the interview, Bree is asked about a “Mr. Van de Kamp.” She says that there was one, but he’s since passed on. She leaves out the tiny detail that he was poisoned by her pharmacist whom she was then engaged to, and who she then left to die from an overdose of sleeping pills. Seriously, if you haven’t seen this show in it’s prime, check out Season 1, and the first half of Season 2. Great stuff. Bree doesn’t mention Orson at all. Orson mad. Mad enough to run over someone in his car again? We’ll see. We’ll see.

Bree has turned into Jack Nicholson’s Joker. Five years can do a lot of harm.

It’s morning time at the Scavo house, and Lynette notices that Porter has her Yeats book. She picks a poem out of the book and says that one of her boyfriends read it to her. So romantic. Porter leaves, and Lynette looks a bit conflicted. You should, you skeezy freak!

At Bree’s garage/kitchen, she decides to change the menu for the Downing’s party (she’s catering, I think I forgot to mention that) and has a lot to do. Orson comes in and tells her how upset he was that he wasn’t mentioned at all in the interview. Bree rationalizes by saying that she was asked if there was a “Mr. Van de Kamp,” not a husband. Ah, semantics. The last refuge of the about-to-get-screwed. Orson says that Bree’s ashamed of him because he went to jail. Ah! There we go. Ah, yes, aman – your comment was correct! Last week Bree was all (in a flashback), “Give me back my/your baby, Danielle! Orson’s gone, and he’s all I have!” Now, you know why, although aman knew before you did, so there. Yup, Orson went to jail for running over Mike (Mike was run over at the end of Season 2, but Orson didn’t tell Bree until Season 4), and he did so at Bree’s request. But Orson insists that Bree is ashamed of him, and Bree promises that after tonight’s party, she’ll come home and cook Orson that pot roast. Um, doesn’t a pot roast take like all day to make? That’s the way my mom taught me, and Barb knows her pot roast, y’all. Do NOT question Barb’s pot roast.

You better put it in now, you liar!

Susan puts away her groceries and plays an answering machine message from Jackson, who says that he can’t make it to dinner tonight because his old roommate is in from out-of-town. Susan thinks that he cancelled on her to see Mike. Well, I don’t really blame him. Mike is attractive, and Jackson is used to 5 seasons of rip-roarin’, Showtime-airin’, butt lovin’.

Lynette, as “Sara J,” chats with Porter, who tells her that he wants “Sara J” to read the Yeats poem — that Lynette talked to him about earlier — because it’s sexy and all. She tells Tom, who is rightfully grossed out and pissed. Lynette says she’ll compose a break-up email for Porter. See? Ick!

It’s night, and Gabby and Carlos are outside the country club. Gabby, knowing that she’s not invited, leads a blind Carlos into the kitchen and tells him it’s the party. She runs into Bad Friend Bree, who acts like a bitch. Again. Gabby says they’ll just pop into the party for twenty minutes and then leave.

At least she got dressed up! The headband really makes it.

So, Susan walks into a bar. With a rabbi, a priest, and a grasshopper. Thank you! I’m here all night! She sees Mike at the bar of the bar, and is all, “Where’s Jackson? Huh?” She spies a beer and potato skins, and in an act of revenge, shoves a potato skin and some peanut shells into the mug of beer. But like all acts of Susan’s revenge, this one bites her on the ass, because the beer? Belongs to some other dude. Kick her ass, man! Mike tells her that they’re not married anymore, so he doesn’t need to stick up for her. Hell yeah, Delfino! Susan gives the bartender some money to “take care” of the dude. Mike makes a comment about Jackson canceling on him, and makes that whip sound that suggests that he thinks Jackson is whipped by Susan. Not literally, of course, but that Jackson is a freaky-deaky. Just ask the entire gay male population of Pittsburgh. I like single Mike. He’s funny. I guess all it took was being held at gunpoint by his biological son, pistol-whipping his son’s adopted dad, being run over by Orson, being in a coma for half a year then having amnesia afterwards, getting hit by yet another car, and divorcing Susan. Hilarious!

Mike says that it would be good for M.J. if he and Jackson were friends, but Susan disagrees. But Mike says that they’re in a good place and says that all that happened between them is water under the bridge, and Susan slaps down some cash for his drinks and tater skins. Mike is so sweet. And as much as I love Single Mike, I secretly hope that Mike and Susan get back together. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone. Except Jackson. You can blab that crap to Jackson all you want, bro.

Susan comes back to her house and we see Jackson putting away some groceries. Umm, wasn’t Susan doing that like 3 hours ago? How many groceries does she need? Sheesh. Susan says that it’s great that Jackson is friends with her ex, and of course Karl comes from the bathroom. Someone’s got some new hair plugs! He makes fun of Jackson and Susan (mostly Jackson, yay!) and then leaves. Jackson’s all, “Any more exes?” Oh, the hilarity.

When the guy from Queer as Folk calls you a slut, you need to take self inventory.

Meanwhile, at the party, Gabby is still there. Bree catches her, and being the supportive and compassionate friend that she is, pulls Gabby into the kitchen and gets all up in her face about why the hell Gabby is still there. What is wrong with Bree this episode? I mean, sure she’s a frosty cold one, but she’s usually at least nice to her friends. I guess it doesn’t matter who she steps on anymore. She’s becoming more like Martha Stewart all the time. Boo-yah! Gabby says that she’s in the Bowman’s seats, because she heard that Mrs. Bowman was sick. Turns out? Mr. Bowman’s here with his mom. Bree tells Gabby to tell them that she and Carlos are at the wrong table, and then they can leave. Turns out? The maitre’d is checking Carlos’s name against the list of invitees, which they’re not on. Bree suggests that Gabby tell the maitre’d that she is attending a different party at the club and got confused and Mrs. Downing never has to know. Turns out? Mrs. Downing is now at the table yelling at Carlos. Busted! The scene with Bree and Gabby is pretty funny, actually – you should catch it if you can. Very British farce.

McCluskey knocks on Edie’s door, and apologizes to her about the boob joke. She tells Edie about Toby, her missing cat, then asks Edie to tell Dave about how she apologized and how things are good between them now. Edie says she will, but is a little confused about the remark. Hmmmm . . . it’s as if McCluskey suspects Dave of taking Toby in order to get McCluskey to apologize to Edie. No, I’m sure that’s not the case. I will be shocked – shocked! – if that turns out to be subtly suggested by the writers of this episode.

Gabby and Carlos sit in the car, arguing. Carlos was humiliated tonight. You know what’s humiliating to Gabby? Being fat and poor and blah blah blah I freaking get it, Cherry! I’m all about Shabby Gabby, but if all you’re going to give her to do is complain about not being rich and pretty anymore, then this is going to be one loooooonnng season. Carlos tells her that they have lots of love and family and blah. I get it!

You have a blind husband, fat kids, and no money. Why are you complaining?

Tom reads Lynette’s break-up email to her son (ew) and says it’s a great one, so Lynette sends it. Tom, however, wasn’t finished: He tells her that she might want to change the part at the end where she typed, “Love, mom.” Oopsie-daisies! Lynette freaks out when she sees the chat screen. Rightfully so, ya weirdo. Porter slams his door, comes downstairs, and lays the Yeats book on Lynette’s desk. Poor kid. This whole thing was unusually poor judgment on Lynette’s part, and by “unusually” I mean “persistent.”

Porter sits at the kitchen table, eating a sandwich and drinking milk. It does a body good. Lynette sits down and says that she’s sad because they used to talk all the time (um, they did?) and now they don’t. But as “Sara J” she got to talk to him again and she loved all the things Porter was telling her. His response? “I didn’t tell you anything. I was telling her.” Ouch. True, but ouch. Lynette agrees, knowing that she deserved that. She turns and says, “For what it’s worth, I loved our conversations, and I’m going to miss them.” Porter whispers, “Me too.” But alas, Lynette has already left. Okay, a little sad and heartfelt, but really? Ew. This whole thing, just . . . ew. Glad it’s over.

Bree returns home late. Orson is still up, at the dining room table, which he has set for two. It’s after midnight, but Orson wants his pot roast. Bree is tired, and says she’ll make it tomorrow. Orson says, “No. I want it now. You promised.” Whoa. Orson is defiant in the face of Bree’s tired-ness, so Bree goes to the kitchen and peels carrots as Orson drinks wine and reads the paper. As Bree cuts the veggies, she begins to sob. Wow, this whole scene is just uncomfortable and weird, and I don’t really know who to feel sorry for. Wait, its Orson. Huh. That was easy. Oh, fine, Bree just a bit. A tiny bit of sorry for Bree.

Pot roast abuse. Get to a shelter before he asks for a soufflé!

McCluskey enters her house and sees Toby on her chair! Yay! Although . . . odd . . . the living room window is open, and it’s never open. And there’s no screen on it, of course, since this is Wisteria Lane, land of the screen-less windows. Where did her cat come from, all of a sudden? And not so long after McCluskey apologized to Edie. Interesting. Very, very interesting. Also, completely expected. Mary Alice blahs again about neighbors, although this time, it’s about neighbors being good on the outside, but not asking, “why is your son so moody?” (Lynette & Porter); and not pointing out how “your wife seems discontented” (Carlos & Gabby); and not mentioning that “your husband seems cold” (Orson & Bree). “But if you’re not sure the husband next door is as nice as he would have you believe,” Mary Alice asks, “do everything you can to get to know him better.” McCluskey knocks on Katherine’s door and gives her a bouquet of flowers. Katherine asks what they’re for, and McCluskey says it’s cuz Katherine has a computer, and she wants to find out everything she can about Edie’s new husband. Oh my gosh! I am so excited for the Katherine and McCluskey Detective Agency! That crap is going to be awesome. Don’t eff that up, Cherry! That’s all we’ve got to hang onto at this point in the season.

Next week: Danielle returns, Tom forms a band, Gabby and Susan have a catfight, and it’s the first episode of the Katherine and McCluskey Mystery Hour! Yay!