Desperate Housewives: Blame Canada

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Bree goes to Karl for divorce help; Susan gets a surprise when someone who sucks from her past comes back; Dave’s revenge plans keep happening at the pace of a drunk snail; Katherine and Mike talk real love; Tom and Lynette are the exact same people they’ve been for the past 5 seasons; the writers for this show are lazy bastards; and I don’t have enough vodka to get through this tripe.

Yes, Mike. This really is your scene. Make it work.

Mary Alice blahs about bargaining and we’re treated to scenes that I swear that I’ve seen before. Didn’t McCluskey already bribe the paper boy ? Didn’t Gabby adjust Carlos’s tie as he left for work? Didn’t Susan take a steaming dump all over Bree’s flower beds? I made up one of those. Guess which one. So, M.J. is over at Mike and Katherine’s, not wanting to eat his “oatmeal” for breakfast. It looks nothing like oatmeal. It looks like Cream of Wheat. Which I actually really love. Katherine says that if M.J. eats half his oatmeal then she’ll make candy apples for his sleepover. Yay! M.J. loves candy apples! Anysnooch, M.J.’s all, “Dad, are you going to marry Katherine?” Mike’s all, I . . . you . . . we . . . guh . . . buh . . . chuh. And then he leaves in a hurry. After he’s gone, M.J. asks Katherine how he did. Yes, it turns Katherine bribed M.J. with ice cream to set Mike up. Nothing says love like blackmailing your boyfriend’s child to get what you want. Credits.

Apparently, at least according to Mary Alice, this Walter Bergen is a divorce lawyer. He’s also really, really old. We’ll also never see him again after this scene. Bree’s in his office to get a divorce, and all is well until Walter says that Orson is entitled to half of Bree’s company earnings. Bree ain’t havin’ that!

Over at Lynette’s house, the gals have gathered for poker. Is it just me or do they always go to Lynette’s house to do things? Tom’s perpetually unemployed. Can’t he watch the kids while Lynette goes out and has fun? Anysnooch, Gabby tells everyone that Carlos is the Latino Businessman of the Year, and Katherine’s all, “He finally won?” I’m just shocked that there’s actually more than one latino person in Fairview. Cuz this town is whiter than pure Columbian blow, y’all.

Yeah, surprisingly they kept passing him up all those years he was a masseuse.

Gabby’s excited to have a dinner with the mayor and his wife. Not so fast, chica! Susan says they’re getting divorced and the mayor has hired the sleaziest, most unethical divorce lawyer in town: Karl Meyer. Ooooh, Bree intrigued! Tom comes down and is all, Lynette it’s almost midnight and you know what that means. Time for Lynette to yell at Tom for being immature and having stupid goals? No. Lynette explains that they’re reading this book together and it suggests they have sex every night for a month. The Bible? No, silly. I have no idea what it is or who wrote it. But Lynette says that they’ve been having problems (no! You don’t say!), and having sex every night for a month is bringing them closer together and giving them intimacy. Not to mention chafing.

The ladies insist on leaving, but Lynette’s all, “No, just deal me out a few hands,” then goes upstairs to screw her husband while her friends are downstairs. Ew. That’s just creepy. Also, the gals have been in the same room for like, 5 minutes! What’s up with that? I thought Cherry put the kibosh on this stuff.

In her mom’s bathroom the next morning, Juanita stares at a magazine cover of her mom, then stares at herself in the mirror. Aw, you’ll grow into your looks! I was the cutest kid ever and now I’m a schlub, so I’m sure the opposite will happen to you, Juannie Sue. She runs downstairs and out the door to catch the bus. When she gets on the bus, we notice what Juanita was up to: Girl has on more makeup than a Tammy Faye female impersonator.

Blend, sweetie. Blend.

Meanwhile, Dave calls Susan and asks if he can take her and M.J. fishing at Bass Lake this weekend. He knows it’s short notice, but he wants to thank Susan for being there for him. And then, you know, shoot her son in the face with a shotgun and then shoot her in the back. Yay, fishing!

Apparently, the editors think we can only handle 30 seconds of plot at a time, because Gabby gets a phone call from the principal, telling her about Juanita the Whore-Clown of Fairview. After picking Jaunnie Sue up from school, Gabby yells at her because it’s so embarrassing to have everyone think that she lets her 6 year-old (6? Juanita is 6? What? No way.) leave with makeup all over her face. Because it really is about you, Gabby. It always is. Turns out, Juanita is carrying around the magazine because she wants to look like Gabby. Some girls at school told her that she must be adopted, because there’s no way she could be the kid of someone as pretty as Gabby. Kids can be so cruel.

That vacuum cleaner was awesome. Five years ago.

Susan picks McCluskey up in her car. I guess McCluskey’s in pain over something, probably caused by the quality of scripts she’s been getting this season. While Susan’s driving her to the doctor, she sees someone pull up in a blue jeep. And, it’s Jackson. Awww, dammit. Look, I’m glad Gale Harold’s not dead or doesn’t have any debilitating injuries from his motorcycle accident, but Jackson sucks. He’s back in town and he and Susan agree to have dinner tomorrow. Together. Not, like, dinner in general. McCluskey blahs about the lance on her ass (ew) and Susan drives off.

Over at Mike’s, Karl comes in and asks if his son, Evan, can come to M.J.’s sleepover. Turns out, Evan was like the only boy in M.J.’s class who wasn’t invited. It’s because of his hair! No child deserves that! Mike says that M.J. said that Evan’s a bully, and M.J. didn’t want to invite him, so it’s out of his hands. Karl gives him what appears to be 20 bucks (ooh, big spender!) to let Evan come to the party, but Mike says he’s “M.J.’s father, not his bouncer. But, thanks.” And he keeps the 20. Hee.

Lynette calls Tom from work, where Tom says that it’s double-coupon day at the market, “kind of like the Superbowl and the Oscars, all rolled into one!” Ha! Lynette says that she’s going to be late tonight, like super-duper late, like past midnight. Oh, no! What about the sex pact?! Tom’s got that figured out, because a few seconds later, he shows up at Lynette’s office, closes the door and starts to take off his shirt. Um, YUM. Doug Savant has got it goin’ on! Lynette gives in to his sexual advances, but while they’re doing it on the desk, Lynette gets a call from Carlos, asking her to look up an account for him immediately. And of course, Carlos is in a meeting with clients. And of course, Lynette’s on speaker phone. So the people in the meeting get to hear her doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well. But no worries, because apparently it only takes Lynette and Tom 20 seconds to have sex. Geez. Dudes in truck-stop restrooms take longer than these two. Lynette, allegedly satisfied, gets back to work.

Tom’s best acting of the series.

Bree’s chosen to meet with Karl about her divorce. Karl asks if she wants a drink, to which she replies that she doesn’t drink alcohol. Um, wha? I’m pretty sure we’ve seen her drinking alcohol this season, so they’re just choosing the 21st episode to go back to the continuity? Lame. Also, what is this, Mad Men? Who keeps liquor in their office these days? Karl says that he’s willing to take Bree’s case, but if, and only if, she gets Evan into M.J.’s slumber party. Wow. This is the most dubious blackmail of all time. Bree agrees. I am on the edge of my seat! Between this, and Juanita wanting to wear makeup, and Lynette and Tom having sex, and AAAAAAAA!! I can’t stand the suspense!

Carlos and Gabby tell Juanita that she doesn’t need to wear makeup because she’s naturally pretty. Juanita doesn’t think it’s fair that mommy can wear makeup, but she can’t. So Carlos comes up with the idea that neither Gabby nor Juanita should wear makeup at the fancy Latino Businessman dinner. Oooh, Gabby no likey. I don’t know why. She didn’t wear makeup for the first 10 episodes of this season anyway. You know, when she was fat. Because fat people don’t need makeup. Because no matter how hard they try, they can’t cover up their ugly. So why bother? Gabby reluctantly agrees. Carlos is such a freaking weenie. When did that happen?

If you were a really good mother you’d be fat again so the kid wouldn’t feel so bad.

Dude, Katherine is going all out for M.J.’s sleepover. Candy apples, soda, toys, whistles, candy, Nerf footballs. My parents just threw a can of bean dip and a bag of Fritos down the stairs and told us not to wake them up. Katherine’s all, how funny was M.J. the other day when he asked about marriage? MIke says that he made a great decision living with Katie, and that she makes him very happy, but he doesn’t see himself getting married again. Damn, James Denton looks tired today. He tells Katherine that, for what it’s worth, he does love her. Awwww! Blech.

Ugh. Jackson and Susan are having dinner. Susan’s telling him about her new job. Jackson’s not saying anything. Finally, a Jackson I can get on board with. Then Jackson’s all, I have something to ask you. And then, he proposes to Susan.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! If Jackson becomes a regular, it is over, OVER I tell you! Susan freaks out and runs upstairs, locking herself in the bathroom. Jackson asks her what’s happening through the door, and she says that she tried to get over Jackson, but she’s just so lonely, and to be honest she’s thought about Jackson all the time and she loves him, she really loves him. And then Jackson goes, “Oh god. I really, really hoped you’d let me finish. I need you to marry me so immigration doesn’t deport me back to Canada.” I guess he is in the U.S. on a student visa that expired 6 years ago and will be in trouble unless he finds someone to marry him. Wow, what a dick. Also, who knew Jackson was a Canuck? I’m soarry, but what’s that all aboot, eh? Susan is pissed and throws him out.

Don’t worry, this is America. We don’t enforce immigration laws.

Back at Lynette’s, Tom’s ready for sex, and is in a bathrobe that is showing a lot of his sexy chest. Lynette doesn’t want to do it because she’s so sleepy, but it’s important to Tom, so she agrees. And in the 2nd Sex and the City recycled plot line in two episodes — both involving Lynette, I might add — Lynette falls asleep while Tom is slipping her the sausage. Burping the worm in the mole hole. Rockin’ the casbah. Ridin’ the skin bus to tuna town. Glazing the doughnut. Windsurfing on Mt. Baldy. Playin’ a little game of tickle-me, pickle-me. And so on.

In the morning, Lynette’s in a rush, and says she doesn’t have time for breakfast, which is great cuz Tom didn’t make any. Oh, dip, take THAT, Lynette! Lynette doesn’t remember falling asleep while Tom was layin’ some pipe. Crashin’ the custard truck. Buttering — oh, forget it. Tom’s all, why couldn’t you do it? “All you had to do was lie there. LIke usual.” Oooooooohhhh, snap! No he di’int! Lynette’s like, we’ve had sex 23 times, what’s the big deal, and that book is dumb. Tom’s all, oh, my ideas are always so dumb, maybe I should just stick to chores. And so ends Typical Tom and Lynette Argument #67.

Over at Dave’s, two detectives are at the door and say that there was a break in the club fire case. What? You think we still care about that? Or even remember it? That was last year, man, when one of the Scavo twins was bangin’ some married chick. Doin’ the humpty dance. Hidin’ the hot dog in the jungle.

INT. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES WRITING ROOM

Staff members lounge around the room, playing foosball, eating pizza, sleeping. Two writers sit on a couch, smoking a joint, playing Xbox.

WRITER 1: Hey. Dude. How many episodes we have left?

WRITER 2: Three, I think.

WRITER 1: 3?! Oh, shit!

WRITER 2: What’s the big?

WRITER 1: Dammit! We spent so much time killing Edie, like Cherry wanted, and having Orson steal stuff — which is TOTALLY paying off, by the way — that we forgot about the main mystery plot!

WRITER 2: We have a mystery plot this season?

WRITER 1: Yeah, it involves Dave, remember?

WRITER 2: Dave?

WRITER 1: The beige-haired dude!

WRITER 2: Oh. Right. So? Big deal. This is season 5. No one cares about the main mystery plot, anyway.

WRITER 1: Shouldn’t we wrap up everything?

WRITER 2: Uh! Cooomme oooonnnnn! I’m almost to level fiiiiivvvvve . . . I don’t feel like writing anything decent! Wah!

WRITER 1: Come on . . .

WRITER 1: Fine. Fine. We’ll tack something on to this week’s episode, okay? Now spark that spleef. I wanna get high.

END SCENE

Unfortunately, it’s not the end of this particular scene.

The detectives show Dave a pic of Dr. Heller, whom he strangled and left for dead in the Big Fairview Club Fire of ’08. I guess they’re asking anyone who was at the club if they saw Dr. Heller the night of the fire. Dave says he didn’t. They also ask about Jackson, who was locked in a closet during the fire. Dave hasn’t seen him, and the dicks say they’ve been trying to find him, but they don’t know where he is. Oooh! I do! He’s at Susan’s! Arrest him! Take his sorry ass back to Canada, where they have superior beer and health insurance! That’ll teach him! After they leave, Dave calls Susan and says that they should leave earlier than planned for their fishing trip.

Bree brings a plate of macaroons over to M.J. She allegedly made too many, and it just so happens that macaroons are M.J.’s favorite. You know, Bree says, she could make these for M.J. every day, if only he’d do her a tiny favor: Ask Evan Meyer to his sleepover. But he’s mean! M.J. says he hit him with a dead squirrel! No he’s not mean, counters Bree. He’s just misunderstood. You know, I don’t buy into this whole bullies-have-underlying-issues thing. Some kids are just assholes. Orson yells at Bree from his car — he’s going to play golf and didn’t have time to go to the ATM, so he just took the cash from Bree’s wallet. Damn, Orson’s a douche. Bree sits down and complains to M.J. about how there’s someone in her life who “hits her with a dead squirrel. Every. Single. Day.” Ha! M.J. is the only one who can help by inviting Evan to his party. M.J. agrees. And says, “Boy, the stuff I do for macaroons.” So cute!

This kid’s gonna be fat by the end of the season.

Jackson stops by Susan’s to apologize, but Susan’s still pissed. But she says that she’s not really mad at Jackson, she’s disappointed in herself. Jackson says he didn’t know she still felt that way about him. Yeah. Neither did we, the audience. Because there was nothing in her dialogue or mannerisms over the past 10 episodes that suggested that she was still into Jackson. Thanks, writers! After some heartwarming talk, Susan agrees to marry Jackson. “No love, no sex, just marriage.” Ugh, dammit, Susan! Now I’M disappointed in you!

It’s time for the Only Latino In Town Award banquet, and Gabby, true to her word, isn’t wearing makeup, except she is. Some woman comes up to Gabby and Gabby blurts out that she doesn’t usually look like this, she’s just not wearing makeup to teach her daughter a lesson. No one cares, Gabby. She says the same thing to the cater-waiter. No one cares, Gabby! As long as you’re skinny, that’s all that matters to anyone.

M.J.’s party is a big success. You can tell because there’s a bunch of boys running around and yelling. Mike goes upstairs to find Katherine, sitting on the window seat, staring out the window, apparently about to break out into a song about love and loneliness. Mike tells her to come downstairs. Uh, not before her big Broadway torch song, dumbass! Katherine says that she’s going to be honest: She had this dream of being a family with this amazing guy and his son, but then she realized that they can’t be a family. Because Mike can leave whenever. Mike says he’s not going anywhere. “But you’re not committed, either,” says Katherine. She asks if he’s still in love with Susan — he’s not, he loves Katherine, but he’s still just not ready for another marriage. Katherine says she needs to take care of herself. Mike leaves to check on the kids, leaving Katherine to sing “On My Own” from Les Miserables.

This dress is the most dramatically compelling thing about this episode.

At the Let’s Just Give the Award to Carlos Solis Because He’s the Only Latino in Fairview We Can Think Of banquet, some dude wants to take a picture of the Solis family with the mayor. Gabby says there’s no way in hell, but Carlos insists. Gabby runs off to the bathroom first, where she bullies some Asian lady into giving her makeup to Gabby (because her skin tone’s “close enough!” to her own, I guess. Yeah. Latinos and Asians are REAL close together on the skin tone scale). When she gets back, the photographer says she looks lovely tonight. Juanita looks at her, and in a sad voice says, “Yeah mom. You look lovely.” Aww, disappointment from your own child, Gabby? Is there anything worse?

Ah. There is. We’re back at Lynette and Tom’s, where Lynette holds up a double espresso and says she ain’t fallin’ asleep tonight, beyotch! Tom’s so not in the mood. But he says he’s not angry with Lynette, it’s just that the sex is so important to him, because Lynette is the only thing in his life that he’s passionate about. Oh no. Ooooohhhh no. Not this again. Dammit! Tom says it’s not good enough and he needs something in his life to be excited about. Lynette says that she thought Tom wanted that. And he did at first, but now it’s too easy. Lynette’s all, “What do you want to do? What are you passionate about?” Tom says he doesn’t know what he wants to do. Oh! I have an idea! Tom should go back to work! No, no, Tom should open a pizza parlor! No, no, wait — Tom should start a garage band! Why the hell are they doing this again? Can’t the writers come up with ANYTHING more original for these two than the SAME SHIT we’ve seen over and over and over again? This is just lazy. Completely, totally, lazy.

Your acting sucks again. Take off your shirt.

Gabby walks into Juanita’s room to tuck her in. She apologizes to Juanita for what happened, and explains that being pretty isn’t the most important thing in the world. Juannie Sue’s all, “Uh, you were a model.” Take that! Gabby explains that everyone said she was pretty, but when she stopped modeling, she had nothing inside her. Except Carlos! Thank you! Gabby says that she wants Juanita to be more than just a pretty face, to have it all. But when can I wear makeup, asks Juanita. “The day you realize you don’t really need it,” replies Gabby. Ah, how swee — whaaa? That doesn’t make sense.

Dave comes by to pick up Susan and M.J. for the fishing trip. Susan says they can’t go, because she’s getting married. To Jackson. Dave’s all, whhaaaaaaa?

Karl agrees to take Bree’s divorce case. But it involves being sneaky and deceptive and just plain icky. Can Bree do that? She says there was a time when she wanted to always take the high road. Um, since when, freak?! When you dropped your son off in the middle of nowhere? When you pretty much killed your psycho-boyfriend? High road my ass. Anyway. Bree agrees.

Take it home, Mary Alice! Bargaining again. People agreeing to do things. Mike has his shirt off, but Katherine’s covering most of it up. Boo. Bree comes home at night to Orson, who says that he’ll make breakfast for her in the morning, if she’ll make love to him tonight. Bree agrees. She’ll throw him a bone. Let him put the candle in the pumpkin. Fix her plumbing. And so on.

Yes, Mike. You’re still on this show. Enthusiasm?

Next Week: Only 3 episodes left in this abortion of a season, people! Carlos and Gabby get a surprise when Carlos’s family visits. Jackson and Susan hit a snag in their nuptial plans. Tom wants plastic surgery. Bree avoids Orson. And I die a little inside.