Desperate Housewives: The Man in the Totally Gay Mask

This week on Desperate Housewives: Tom wants plastic surgery; Bree still wants a divorce, or does she? Yeah. She does; Susan and Jackson are getting married; Mike and Katherine are getting married; and Gabby tries real hard to learn a lesson and retain knowledge. Again.

Can we just make the show about Juanita?

Previously on DH: Lame crap. And then dumb stuff. And then many fans completely disappointed in the season, and yet millions still tuning in as if to say, “Hey, it’s okay, Cherry. You can slap together the worst plot lines in the history of the show and we’ll stand by and not say a thing!” And y’all know I don’t mean you Gasmii, because we ALL know that this shit don’t smell like no roses. It smells, as Outkast would say, like poo, poo-poo. It’s up to us, Gasmii — to rise up as one, and say that we’re mad as hell and we’re not going to — ooh, my roommate made cupcakes! Yum! You go ahead and rise up, kids. I’m gonna have cupcakes.

Mary Alice talks from beyond the grave, telling us how “the lawyer arrived after sundown,” and it’s Karl, and he’s going to Bree’s house at night, and the whole scene, including music, is like an episode of some cheesy 80s detective show. Like Remington Steele. Wait, Remington Steele is too good. It’s like Jake and the Fat Man. Hell, even the creators of Father Dowling Mysteries are looking at this scene and going, “Gosh darn, that is some cheesy shit.” Who the hell approved this? Why does the music sound like Inspector Gadget? What did we do to deserve this? Oh, yeah, that’s right — 5 years of loyal viewership. We deserve it, don’t we?

So, anyhoozlebees, Karl says that Bree should incorporate “creative accounting, secret bank accounts, and a second set of books,” in her divorce scheme, all to which Bree agrees. Karl then wants Bree to hire someone to rob her house and steal some stuff so that Orson doesn’t get everything she owns (jewelry, for instance). Bree refuses, but when Karl paints a picture of Orson after the divorce, dating some bimbo who wears her jewelry and uses her stuff, she changes her mind. He doesn’t LITERALLY paint a picture of Orson, of course, but I did!

Oh, hey, Mary Alice says that today’s theme/metaphor, with which we’ll be beaten over the head for the next 43 minutes and 05 seconds is: Masks. Which leads us to the mask that Dave wears every day. Dave wears a mask?! Ohmigod is he an alien or some secret spy like in that Mission Impossible movie?! Oh, what’s that Mary Alice? You’re being figurative? Oh. I see. Dave walks up to M.J. and is all, what’s up with Jackson? M.J. says likes Jackson. Well, kids are dumb. Dave asks if Jackson talks about the nightclub fire and says that M.J. should tell him if the police ever ask Jackson about the fire. Geez, Dave, at least Bree made him macaroons.

Over at Gabby’s, she having an orgasm over some stupid crystal vase that looks like anything you could buy at Wal-Mart. Seriously. I do not get the big deal about crystal. Unless you mean Crystal. As in, Crystal Gayle. THEN I get it. Her youngest daughter, who hasn’t been in the show in forever, so I can’t remember her name, nods her head to agree to help mommy convince daddy that it was worth it. She literally doesn’t say anything, she just keeps nodding. Then Gabby pretty much calls her own daughter retarded (“I should get you tested.”) Nice. Nice, Gabby. Pretty soon, Juannie Sue saunters in, all, My friend got a canopy bed and I want one now and you can afford it cuz I heard you tell Aunt Bree that we’re rolling in it give me my Dunk-a-Roos, bitch! Gabby says that they just got a new bed for Juannie Sue and they’re not getting another bed that she doesn’t need. Juannie is all, Oh but you can get some stupid vase? Word, girl, word.

Tough economy. Just make one of Gabby’s kids a featured extra and so she doesn’t have to talk we’ll make her retarded. As long as the monkeys writing this tripe are getting paid, all is well.

At Susan’s, Weird Hair McGinty, a.k.a. Jackson, is putting stuff in Susan’s bathroom and closet and . . . man, I hate him. Jackson offers to throw an engagement party for Susan and he, as long as they don’t let anyone know their secret. Susan “Puts the Desperate in ‘Desperate Housewives’” Meyer is all, That could be fun and it’s nice having you around because I was lonely. Also, did you guys know that in order to be happy, you need to have a man or a significant other in your life? Or a fake husband? Because otherwise, what’s the point in living? You might as well fill up the bathtub, eat a box of Malomars, and then crawl in with your arms wrapped around your toaster.

Tom sits in his car in his driveway, probably thinking something like, “Okay, you can do this. Just put it in reverse, gun it, hit the road, and pretty soon you’ll be in a J.J. Abrams show. It won’t make much sense, but gosh darn it, it’ll be entertaining.” Lynette comes out and he rolls down the window, and says he had a job interview today, and that the 35 year-old dude who interviewed him asked him about “Twittering.” He didn’t know what it was, but Lynette apparently does. Does Felicity Huffman have a cold? I think so. Get well soon, Felicity! Also, I am vehemently anti-Twitter, FYI. Lynette sympathizes with Tom cuz she went through the same thing recently. Um, yeah, we know. All you and Tom ever do is argue about maturity and dreams and goals and then go on job interviews that make you feel old! THAT’S ALL YOU DO! And I, for one, am quite sick of it.

Tom’s Twitter: Wife’s a bitch. Kids are criminals. I look like a scarecrow. Today I played online poker for nineteen hours.

Gabby wants to show Juanita how to be grateful for how good she has it, so she takes her to the Catholic church to feed homeless people. Why is it that soup kitchens are like the go-to redemption place for television shows? Anysnooch, Gabby spies Fran, someone she used to play tennis with or go shopping with or snort cocaine off the toilet seat at the country club bathroom with. Thing is, though, Fran has hit on some hard times. She’s homeless. And, I swear to high heaven that if Fran mentions she’s broke because of the economy, or like her husband was an investment banker that got laid off or something, I will refuse to finish this recap. Gabby is oblivious until Fran says that she’s there to eat, not to help out.

Susan and Jackson (get a haircut, hippie!) arrive at Katherine and Mike’s to announce that they’re getting married. Katherine is, of course, thrilled, because she thinks it means that Susan is over Mike. Mike is less than thrilled, because he’s still in love with Susan, or maybe he ate too much cheese last night and is paying the price today. Either way, I’m sure I don’t care.

OK Mike you can wake up now. The cameras are rolling.

Back at Casa de Spoiled Bitches, Gabby is going over designs with an interior designer. When she leaves, Gabby tells Carlos about Fran and goes on and on about how it’s so weird that Fran had everything and now she has nothing. She thinks Fran might have drank it away, or has a gambling problem, or she has to have some reason to be homeless, because all homeless people are homeless because they made stupid choices. I mean, obviously.

At Susan and Jackson’s engagement party, Orson apparently let Jackson borrow one of his pink shirts for the occasion. Dave blahs to Jackson about being happy for him and Susan. You guys, is he the absolute worst evil character ever, or what? He’s certainly the most beige. Then Dave opens his big fat yapper about the nightclub fire, to see if Jackson remembers anything. Jackson says he has to talk to the police on Tuesday, and Orson asks him if he can recall what happened, but before he can say anything, Dave shoves some wine glasses on the floor to create a diversion. It works, and Orson wonders where Bree is, thinking she knows how to get rid of red wine stains.

Speaking of Bree, she and Karl are breaking into her house to steal things. Oh, lordy. Lordy, lordy, lordy. Bree, being Bree, wants to balance things out and feng shui everything. Karl just wants to break stuff and make it look like an actual burglary. Karl asks her if she’s boning Orson like they planned, so Orson won’t suspect anything. Unless Bree actually moves or makes any sound during their coitus, I’m sure Orson won’t suspect a thing. Then Karl’s all, I bet he only does missionary blah blah blah. Which turns to talk about sex and then how Bree is a dignified lady. Who steals from her own home and fakes taxes and shit so her husband won’t get anything in the divorce. Dignified!

So does this mean Karl and Bree are gonna do it? Please don’t do that to us.

At the engagement party, Tom runs into a college roommate who is Jackson’s “soccer buddy.” “Soccer buddy” is code for “angry mutual handy j’s at the gym sauna every Tuesday.” Lynette and Tom are flabbergasted at how young he looks. What’s his secret?

Screw that. What’s his phone number?

Katherine and MIke give Susan and Jackson a big-ass engagement present. Mike says they can afford it because now since Susan’s getting married, Mike won’t have to pay alimony anymore. Bree arrives at the party and picks up an hors d’oeuvre. Apparently, this is important. Susan didn’t think about the alimony, so now she doesn’t want to marry Jackson. Yay! Send him back to the land of poutine and back bacon! Susan says she depends on the check every month, and Jackson says he finally found a job he loves, so he doesn’t want to go back to Canada, because life is so hard there, what with the free health care. Susan says she’ll talk to Mike about agreeing on something. Boo!

At the Scavo house: “Soccer buddy’s” secret? Plastic surgery. Now Tom wants it. Lynette says no! Bad Tom! Tom’s putting his foot down and getting the plastic surgery.

Orson arrives home with Lindsay Lohan. Ah, my bad, it’s just Bree. They’ve been robbed! Orson’s all, “This time it wasn’t me!” Wah, wah, waaaaahhhhhhhh.

Back at the soup kitchen, Gabby runs up to Fran and offers to help her out, with some money. But Gabby wants to know that Fran won’t use the cash on drugs or booze or gambling or cock fights or Mexican donkey shows. Turns out, what happened was that Fran’s husband died. He was sick a long time and then they lost insurance and then he dropped dead. Gabby confused. Fran tells Gabby to appreciate what she has, because in the blink of an eye, it can all be gone. Oh, I think Gabby’s going to learn a lesson this week! Except probably not. At all.

Um, my husband was blind and I was five pounds overweight for like five minutes so I totally get it.

Over at Katherine’s, Mike nonchalantly pops the question to Katherine. Huh? I’m sure this has nothing to do with him still being in love with Susan and therefore wanting to compete with her in some sort of possibly subconscious dare to see who will really go through with their nuptials. I’m quite sure. Katherine says yes! Yes! YEEEESSSSSSS! Also, neither of them are acting like they remember when Mike said LAST WEEK that he didn’t want to get married. I mean, come ON! How hard is it to add something like, “But what about last week, when you said you didn’t want to get married?” “Oh, I was stoned then.” “What about now?” “Nope. Just shit-faced drunk.”

Bree and Orson pick up the shattered tatters and pieces of their Pat Boone-ish lives. Orson reminisces about the MASK that was stolen. The MASK they bought in Venice together. He even drew a picture of it for the police. Who, upon taking it back to the station, will laugh their asses off at how totally and completely gay it is. Orson says that he called the store in Venice to get it replaced. And that’s how much he cares for Bree and their love. Uh-oh, Bree. Here comes the guilt train! All aboard! Next stop, Repressed Republican Duplicitous Bitch-ville! Population: You!

You should have divorced him when he gave you this ugly ass thing.

Dave calls Katherine, and says he wants to get back to work and going on a speaking tour to the Pacific Northwest, and could she check on his house while he’s gone? Evil! Oh, I’m getting chills up and down my spine from the satanic-like evil of Dave! Susan comes to Katherine’s door, wearing one of Angela Chase’s costumes from My So-Called Life. Susan, 1994 called, and it wants it’s dumb brown crocheted vest thing coupled with a white t-shirt back. Susan tells Katherine that she’s only marrying Jackson to keep him from being deported, but she really needs the alimony so maybe she can’t marry him after all. Katherine says she’ll talk to Mike because she can’t have Jackson going back to chilly Canada! She tells Susan not to cancel a thing. Katherine left the phone on and Dave heard everything, and for some reason this gives him a boner or something, cuz he’s all smiles.

At work, Lynette tells the front desk dude about Tom’s plastic surgery, and the dude tells her about some guy in payroll who had botched surgery. What’s his extension? asks Lynette. What’s the point? I ask my television.

Bree tells Karl that she’s having second thoughts, but Karl says that Orson will never change and he’ll always be the same schlub. Karl knows that Bree is worried about spending the rest of her life alone and that scares her. He says that Bree has nothing to worry about because she’s a “beautiful, elegant, classy woman.” It works, and Bree’s ready to sign the papers.

Lynette brought the botched surgery dude, Bruce, home to show Tom. Turns out, Bruce’s surgery went horribly, horribly . . . mediocre. You know, after all the set-up, Bruce looks only marginally horrific, but it’s mostly his odd hair. I mean, even Rod Blagojevich’s hair would take one look at that and go, “Oh, sweetie, ew. No. No no no.” And then Donald Trump’s hair would concur, and then the hairs would get in a fight over who’s the prettiest. In the kitchen, Tom says he’s going through with it, and Lynette lets it out that if Tom gets surgery, then she’ll have to get surgery to catch up with him, and she doesn’t want surgery. Lynette likes the wrinkles on Tom’s face. And each line on Tom’s face tells a story. Like Lynette’s cancer, or the pizza parlor, or Tom’s drunk, homosexual, one-night stand with his college roommate that ended with Tom crying alone in the shower for four hours.

Bad wig not included.

While she and Jackson eat dinner, Susan gets an email on her Blackberry/iPhone thing from Mike that says he talked to Katherine and she’ll be getting her alimony. Fanfuckintastic. Now Jackson and Susan can get married. Susan sends Mike a thank you email, but whaaaaa?! That’s not MIke at the laptop! It’s Katherine! She sent the email! Noooooo . . . body cares.

I guess it’s Monday, because Jackson and Susan are in their wedding clothes. Katherine has decorated their car with cans tied to the bumper and a big “Just Married” on the back. Wow. Psycho. All of a sudden, the INS comes and takes Jackson away. Oh. How heartbreaking. Who could have done this? Who would be so mean as to call immigration and ruin Jackson and Susan’s wedding day? And who has beige hair?

Orson drinks coffee at home and answers the phone. Turns out it’s someone from a storage unit calling about Bree’s bill. Orson looks at a drawing of the MASK that was stolen and puts two and two together, which in real life would never, ever happen, because who could realize in 10 seconds that your wife actually broke into your house, stole your stuff, and hid it in a storage unit after just getting 1 phone call from a storage unit place and staring at a damn drawing of a MASK?!

MASKS, says Mary Alice. We all wear them to hide something. Like feelings, fears, love, or that herpes sore on your lip that you told everyone was a wasp sting, but we all knew it was herpes and made fun of you and you were like, “Fine! I’ll just wear a mask!” and then you actually did, and then we made fun of you for wearing a mask, because that’s just dumb. Orson opens the door to the storage unit to find . . . gasp! The hideous Mardi Gras mask that they totally bought in Venice and totally didn’t order from Fingerhut. Except they did. Totally.

Subtle.

Next Week: Instead of dragging out this season like so many dead horses dragged around a race track by a sadistic chubby Log Cabin Republican show-creator jockey, the powers that be are sparing us the agony by airing the last 2 episodes of this shit-storm of a season back-to-back. Will these questions be answered?: Will Jackson and Susan get married? Will Mike and Katherine get married? Will Gabby ever learn a lesson that actually sticks for more than the last 30 seconds of an episode? Will Tom and Lynette fight about money/dreams/goals/sex/relationships? Will Bree divorce Orson? Will Orson stop being a dumbass? Will Dave EVER get to go fishing? Will he FINALLY enact his pathetic and lame revenge scheme so we can put a lid on this casket? Will I have enough alcohol to get through 90 minutes of pure, unadulterated Desperate Housewives action? Tune in and see! Or, actually, don’t tune in, just read the damn recap instead.