Desperate Housewives: Meh. At Least It’s Over.

It’s the final episode of the 5th and crappiest season! Yay! Tonight’s first episode is entitled “Everybody Says Don’t.” Which was also the title of the 18th episode of Season 2. Which goes to show you a.) how lazy the writers have been this season, and/or b.) how much research they actually do in regards to the continuity of the show. Pretty awesome, Cherry.

Mary Alice blahs about Dave and how he wanted to be forgiven. Did he, Mary Alice? DID HE!?! He then records himself confessing about how he, “didn’t want to kill M.J. Delfino.” Relax, it’s prime time — kids and dogs never die in prime time. I’m sure this was meant to shock us, but I’m willing to bet 95% of the audience went, “Whaaaa . . . Meh,” after hearing that. I mean really, he was in like 5 episodes, and clearly neither Mike nor Susan care about him at all. He then goes on to say that people deserved to suffer, and that’s why he killed M.J. and not Susan. Because he wanted us, the audience, to suffer the most, and that’s why Susan will be around for another 2 or 3 years. Diabolical, Dave. We walked right into your trap. Touche, Beige Man. Touche. Dave’s confession is interrupted by the doorbell — it’s M.J., who got a new tackle box for the fishing trip on Saturday. Aww, how cute, Li’l M.J.! You die now. Credits.

The better to gut you with, my dear.

So, Mary Alice sets us back on the case of the nightclub fire. Hey, thanks, Mary Alice. Cuz it’s not like that happened half a year ago or anything. Anyway, turns out there was one dead body in the fire that they couldn’t identify, but then they could because it turned out Dr. Heller’s car was impounded, and the cops put two and two together, and figured out the John Doe was Dr. Heller. And it only took 6 months to do this. Man, those Fairview cops are on the ball! At Dr. Heller’s office, they interview his receptionist, a.k.a. Lynette’s long-lost sister, but she’s all, I’ve gotten texts from him for months now, a-holes! The cops are all, “Hmmm. Maybe we should text back.” The people of Fairview can sleep well tonight knowing these guys are on the case. By which I mean a case of Natural Light.

Back at Dave’s house, his cell vibrates, but he’s not there to pick it up because he’s over at Susan’s (and I don’t know what it is, but Teri Hatcher is looking kind of lovely right now. I know I’m supposed to be all mean and shit, but I’m gonna call ‘em like I see ‘em) trying to convince her to come to The Fishing Trip of Doom. She’s worried about Jackson, but Dave tells her to come fishing because it’s “nature’s tranquilizers.” Ain’t that the truth. Every summer I’d go fishing with my dad in Colorado, and after 2 minutes, I was all, “Ummmm . . . yeah. This? I’m done with it. I’m gonna go climb on those rocks and read my Archie comics.” Susan hasn’t heard from him and wants to be at home in case something happens. Dave, the persistent bastard, is all, you can’t let down M.J., Susan. Which Susan thinks is kind of creepy. But just kind of.

The writers, hard at work.

One of The Damons is trying to convince Lynette to let him go to Europe for 6 months after graduation. I had no idea the twins were seniors. Sucks for those actors, though, cuz I’m sure they’re gone after this season and the best they’ll get is a shout-out in next year’s season premiere, like Lynette will say, “I got a phone call from Preston at Northwestern! It’s too bad Porter got run over on the Matterhorn track at Disneyland. We got a nice settlement, though. Tom blew it all on his stupid dreams and goals, though. I’m going to go yell at him. Toodles!”

Lynette’s all, fine go to Europe, but if you do, we ain’t paying a dime! Tom says he agrees with Porter/Preston because he used to have dreams! Goals! Dreams! Goals! Shut up! Tom and Lynette argue about dreams and goals, with Tom saying Porter/Preston should follow his dreams, while Lynette says they should check out colleges. Then Tom is all, Yeah, I’ll stop by the Burger Barn and show my college degree to the manager for that fry cook position! As much as I hate Tom, that is a completely valid point that I’m sure many of us unemployed college grads can totally relate to. When I hear people now say that a college degree is essential to getting a nice, high-paying job, I want to vomit, beat the shit out of them, and then vomit again because I just realized I beat the shit out of someone.

Gabby tells Juannie Sue that she’s going to a Solis family reunion on Saturday and that her daddy’s family is trash. Gabby’s going to wear expensive jewelry to show them up. The moral of this little scene is that Gabby’s shallow. Did you guys know that? That Gabby’s shallow? I’ll give it some time to sink in. And boy, I sure don’t hope she gets some bad news that will totally upset her cushy little life. Because that would be completely unexpected and highly interesting!

Why would this kid think it’s appropriate to go to school dressed like a ho to make friends?

Karl and Bree — whom I am afraid will probably end up hooking up, which will just be bizarre and stupid — are at the storage unit, going over the stupid crap they stole from Bree’s house last week. Karl talks about setting Bree up on a date once she gets a divorce. They exchange witty banter, like a modern day Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn. Wait, scratch that — more like a modern day Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz. Oh, but Orson spies them from his car parked just outside. Oh, merciful heavens!

Back at Susan’s, she gets a call on her cell. It’s from Jackson. They’re processing his deportation papers. Thank god. Go back to Canada and eat your stupid poutine, dillweed! Jackson is convinced that Mike was the one who turned him in. Susan’s not so convinced, since Mike knew the reason they were getting married. Which, even though it’s Susan, is a valid point. Wow, what’s up with all the valid points tonight?

Lynette’s chopping veggies when Porter/Preston and Tom get back from the college visit. Tom says it was amazing, with the campus and professors and the snack bar and Take Back the Night rallies and people wearing flip-flops while handing out pamphlets on legalizing pot . . . I miss undergrad. Porter/Preston is all, what up, mom, I’m still goin’ to Europe, ho! But Tom totally wants to go back to school. Oh me, oh my! Tom says that this time he’ll be focused and he knows exactly what to major in: Chinese. Tom! Don’t do it! All you’ll have to show for it afterwards is Tina from Sallie Mae leaving you a message on your phone every half hour!

But it’s my DREEEEAM!

Oh, the other ladies are so not impressed with this. Bree, Susan, and Gabby sit around at Lynette’s house. I think Felicity Huffman still has a cold. Bree tells her that she should appear supportive until an opportunity arrives that she can use to her advantage. Oh, dip, the gals were together for more than a minute, we can’t have that! Time to get the hell out of this scene!

So, Susan goes to Katherine’s to confront Mike, but he’s in the shower. She’ll wait. So will I! Except, unlike Susan, I won’t wait on the couch. No, I’ll be waiting in the bedroom. After I steal Mike’s towel from the towel rack and pose seductively on the bed, and when Mike comes in, I’ll be all, “Oh, hi. I didn’t hear you come in, because I’m naked.”

Bree goes home to find everything she stole back in it’s proper place. Oh, my stars! Orson confronts Bree, who tells him that she wants a divorce and that he’s entitled to half of everything, and that’s why she wanted to hide it all. She says she’s tired of sneaking around and lying — yeah, now that you’ve gotten caught. How convenient, Bree. — and that Orson can have what he’s entitled to. Which, according to me, amounts to a bitch-slap and a roll of quarters. Orson doesn’t want a divorce! Can’t they just talk about it?! No. They can’t. Bree says he should make a list of what he wants. All Bree wants is out. The only thing colder than Bree Hodge is absolute zero.

Or, rather, perhaps, the iciness that pervades Katherine’s house as Susan waits for Mike. Susan asks Katherine if Mike turned Jackson in. Kathy says Mike couldn’t, because she never told him that Jackson needed to get married for a green card. Oh. Huh. I thought Mike knew. Whatev. Susan brings up the text that she got from Mike saying he agreed to pay alimony, which makes Katherine admit that she was the one who sent the text. She then lets it slip that Mike proposed to her, and that’s why she sent the text: because she was scared that if Mike found out Jackson wasn’t in love with Susan then he’d break things off with Katherine. Mike comes downstairs in a shirt, which is just plain wrong and stupid. Where has the eye candy been this season? Huh? Where have all the shirtless romps gone? Susan reluctantly gives a marriage blessing to Mike and Katherine before she awkwardly leaves. Aw, poor Suzy Q! Will anyone EVER love you?!

He’s just. Not. That. Into YOU.

It’s time for the Solis family reunion, and Gabby’s not looking forward to meeting Carlos’s Aunt Connie, who is always a muy raging puta to Gabby. Except today? Not so much. She seems to love to see Gabby today. And, she made her famous tamales. Um, yum! I’m sorry, but that seems like a kick-ass reunion to me. A little sun, a lot of tamales, a whole lot of Modelo . . . I’m sold, dude. Sold. Juannie Sue says that maybe Aunt Connie has changed. Or maybe, just maybe, she has ulterior motives that will show themselves later in the episode, perhaps having repercussions that will adversely affect Gabby. Oh, no, I’m just being silly!

Over at Lynette’s house, the camera is focused on the fact that LYNETTE BRINGS HER OWN GREEN RECYCLED SHOPPING BAGS TO THE GROCERY STORE. Thanks for pushing your insane environmentally-friendly liberal hippie agenda on us, Desperate Housewives. There’s a message on the answering machine from an advisor at the college Tom visited. Seems he gave Tom the wrong date and time for the college prep test — it’s at 8am tomorrow, so he should get plenty of sleep. And Tom’s not around to hear the message . . . I do ever so hope that Lynette gives it to him. I mean, that would be the rational thing to do. What am I saying, this is Desperate Housewives! If I wanted to see real, rational people then I’d watch Real Housewives of Orange County. After the message plays out, Tom comes in with GREEN RECYCLED SHOPPING BAGS — recycle or die, mother effers — and Lynette says that they should go out and celebrate the college thing by drinking lots! Way to be supportive, harpy.

Recycling plot lines is good for the environment.

Back at the Solis reunion, Connie has an announcement to make: She’s getting gender reassignment surgery! No, not really. She’s actually Carlos’s real mother! No, not really either, but that would have been awesome. Actually, she may only have a few months to live thanks to a heart condition! Really, but a heckuva lot less interesting than what I came up with. She says she can’t take care of her grand-daughter Anna anymore, and can someone take her in? Carlos wants to step up to the plate, but Gabby wants to think about it for a day or so. And then say no anyway.

Bree is mixing some greens at home, when Boreson comes up to help her make her “Parisian salad.” Apparently, spinach and bibb lettuce are now exclusively French. Merde. Boreson wants to add chives because it was always bland before. Oh, take that, Bree! Orson says he’s not moving out so that they can work on their marriage. Hey, remember when he stole stupid shit because he wanted to make Bree mad? Yeah, the writers don’t care about that sub-plot anymore. Not that I care, but thanks for the closure, a-holes. I guess Orson took out an insurance claim on the stolen items, which could make Bree go to jail or something. Look, I’m not a criminal lawyer, and I don’t know if that’s true or not, but let’s just go with it, okay? So, Orson resorts to the only thing on this show that can keep true love alive: Blackmail. Either Bree stays, or he turns her in.

Who wants to bet his ass will be back in jail by the end of next season? Remember to recycle.

Back at the Solis house, Carlos is still wearing a shirt. Lame. Carlos tries to convince Gabby to take Anna in. There’s a lot of talk about Aunt Connie taking Carlos and his mother in when they needed it, and they should give back, and more boring Carlos inspirational crap. Man, he just really, really sucks now.

Tom and Lynette come home, and Tom is drunk. Drunk Tom is funny. Then, because she hasn’t proven how truly evil she already is, Lynette plays the message for Tom, who now can’t believe he has to cram for the test tomorrow. In hell, Satan is watching this show and going, “Damn, that Lynette is a stone cold bitch!” I’m sorry, Lynette’s done a lot of really low and mean things to Tom, and maybe I’m just getting sick of it, but this is one of the worst things she’s done.

Speaking of worst things ever, we’re back at Dave’s house, where he gets a text from “Dr. Heller” (the cops). Dr. Heller’s ghost comes back to haunt Dave to tell him it’s too late, and his plan went to hell the day he killed Dr. Heller. Also, his dead wife and daughter are there to shame him as well, and tell him that it doesn’t matter if he’s caught — he should go through with it. Oh! Edie! Her ghost is there too, looking not as fabulous as she deserves. She tells him to just do it, to forget about the fishing trip, to tell Susan why M.J. had to die so she can suffer. Then they just disappear. So, um, no fishing trip, then? Thanks for all the build-up you asshole season 5 writers! Dave has been talking about this ding dang fishing trip for months and months and now you’re giving us nothing?! I have been betrayed! I am mortified! I am ashamed! I am not drunk enough to get through the rest of this!

Only in Beige’s imagination would Edie be in jeans, a t-shirt and an over shirt. That’s the most she’s worn. EVER.

Susan goes over to talk to Mike about having a puss-on when she found out that he and Katherine were engaged. She asks if he loves Katherine. Mike says he does. Susan says that she hopes he and Katherine will be happy. Aw, way to lie, Suzy-Q. Katherine bursts in, and Susan lies that she’s happy for Katherine.

Tom comes back home and says that he “threw up in the parking lot, passed out twice, and giggled at the word ‘Uranus’” during his test. Okay, if you were able to drive there, then there’s no way in hell you could have passed out, Tom. Fell asleep? Maybe. But not passed out. That said, I totally understand the giggling at Uranus. Because Uranus is funny. Uranus is awesome. Uranus is making me crazy. Lynette feels no guilt whatsoever, and Satan, sitting in his living room, is all, “Dayum! Bitch is mean!” But when Tom reveals that he wanted to learn Chinese to be competitive in the Chinese business market (or something) she gets a huge Oh Shit Face and asks why Tom didn’t tell her that. Tom asks, “Why does it matter?” True. And then goes, “Sorry I let you down.” Suck on that, Lynette. Suck on that!

I wouldn’t want to ruin a whole season of plots, but Rosetta Stone Language Tapes are like fifty bucks.

And we’re back to Katherine’s, where we find out that she and Mike are getting married this freaking weekend! Aaaaaaa! Katherine asks Susan to be the maid of honor. Um, wow, Katherine’s got some balls. Susan says no, and that she and M.J. have big plans this weekend anyway. Yup, M.J. will be holding Mommy’s hair back as she barfs in the toilet from drinking too much “silly juice,” while she screams and cries about being lonely and then scares the shit out of M.J. by being all, “You love mommy, don’t you, don’t you M.J. You love mommy so much. Promise me you won’t leave mommy, not like all the other men. Tell mommy you love her. Get mommy another Zima and tell her that she’s pretty and that you’ll love her forever. Forever. We’ll be together forever.” Aw, now I feel like giving my mom a call.

Dave breathes really, really heavily and packs a gun, then walks over to M.J., who is innocently playing with a football outside his house. But he’s interrupted by Susan, who says that she wants to go on that fishing trip after all. Oh, FINALLY! You guys, I am on pins and needles for The Fishing Trip that they’ve been promising all year! Pins and needles!

Aunt Connie gets a phone call from Carlos, and I don’t want to be mean, but Aunt Connie may need some acting lessons. Is she reading from cue cards? Carlos and Gabby will let Anna stay with them. A relative of Aunt Connie, someone none of us care about, asks Aunt Connie if she’ll tell them the truth about Anna. She says they’ll know soon enough. So we have THAT to look forward to. Also, why the hell wasn’t Anna at the reunion? Probably because she was out being promiscuous.

W. T. F. Ladies and gentlemen, after being in about 3 episodes of this shit season and then leaving inexplicably for vague and partially unexplained reasons, the writers have decided to bring back Lily Tomlin as Roberta. Dr. Heller’s secretary has called her, and tells her that Dr. Heller is dead. Roberta immediately goes over to McCluskey’s to tell her the news. I know you’re thinking, “How fun!” but in this scene, they’re pretty much just the recappers. Roberta’s all, “We know Dr. Heller was a clinical psychologist, and we’re pretty sure that Dave was his patient.” They decide that they need more evidence before they go to the cops, so they decide to break into his house.

I promise afterwards we can go to auditions for better shows.

Oh, dammit, I thought the Jackson thing was over. But no, the cops are asking him if he’d ever seen Dr. Heller before. Like at the club? 6 months ago? Before the holiday hiatus? Not really . . . but he totally remembers seeing Dave at the club and near the storage room. Maybe Dave locked him in the closet, the police ask. Jackson says of course not, Dave’s one of the nicest guys with beige hair I ever met! Did Gale Harold age ten years since last week? Sheesh. The cops are dismiss Jackson and are all, hmmmmm . . . did Dave mention being in the storage room before? No, he did not. But I’m willing to bet he did mention something about a fishing trip. Oh, that Dave Williams! He does love his fishing trips!

Dave’s at home with some sticky notes and what I’m assuming is the video tape with his confession. I guess this will be important later on. Boring, but important.

Susan and Mike pack M.J. in the back seat of Dave’s car. Dave hands Mike the video tape (ah, there we go), tells him it’s of the band they used to have, and not to watch it until after his honeymoon. And with that, Dave, Susan, and little M.J. are off to The Fishing Trip. Mike puts the video tape in his desk drawer. What’s this? No end-of-the-episode analogies from Mary Alice? This can only mean one thing . . .

Double episode, bitches! Previously on Desperate Housewives: Geez, read the last 5 or so pages, lazy-ass! A title reads: Three Years Earlier. What?! Dammit, not again. Mary Alice blabs about Lila Dash, who goes through the day thinking about her husband, Big Beige Dave. How did she get to deserve someone as wonderful and beige as Dave? She wants to go for ice cream, but Dave brought work home. Boo! But, why doesn’t she just take her daughter and pick some up and bring it back? Oh, her life is so happy! With a beautiful little girl! And a loving husband! And, after 10 minutes or so, ice cream! Yay! Oh, I certainly hope nothing ruins this. Like, for example, getting hit by a plumber and his exceedingly needy and whiny wife while on their way to get a Dilly Bar from Dairy Queen.

All children are beautiful. Even the really creepy looking ones.

Before they leave, Dave says they should do something special tomorrow night. Like Pizza Hut?! Or Fuddrucker’s!? That’s hella special! Mary Alice tells us that the specialness ended that night, because that’s the night they crashed into Mike and Susan. Doi, Mary Alice! We know! The last thing Lila Dash thought about was Dave, and I’m betting it was something like, “His . . . hair . . . So . . . beige . . . what’s up . . . with . . . that? Arrggggh.” Credits.

So, Mary Alice says there was a wedding this weekend. Who got married? It looks like it could be Katherine and Mike, but it’s actually no one we’ve ever seen before, will again, or give two shits about. Hey, thanks for that, season 5 writers. Anysnooch, Katherine and Mike talk about their wedding, but Mike is upset because Dave was weird before he left. Katherine’s all, um, Dave is always weird. True dat, Katie. She says they need to stop at the store on their way out to get some video tapes. However, Mike says that he has some old ones in the desk drawer that they can record over. Wait a sec . . . didn’t Mike put Dave’s video tape in the desk drawer too?! Oh lordy lordy look who’s forty! Lo and behold, Katie picks up the video tape that Dave recorded.

Meanwhile, Carlos and Gabby are waiting for Anna to show up. Gabby and Carlos want to give her a better life than the one she has — dad in jail, blah blah blah. Carlos remembers her as a cute little girl who liked ice cream and ponies and rainbows and lollipops, and I’m totally sure she’s the same little girl and not some skank. Like, really sure. Oh. I was wrong. She steps out of the taxi and is some hot chick. I guess. I mean, if you’re into chicks. Who are 16. Perv.

Too bad she didn’t get Aunt Connie’s looks.

Bree is at Karl’s office and explains that Boreson is blackmailing her, saying that he will say that she told him to file an insurance claim so she could get money on the stuff that she actually stole herself. Anyone else think this is the least interesting plot in this entire episode? I mean, this is even worse than Tom and Lynette crap. Wait. I may need to think about that one. Karl says they’ll think of something. I’m guessing what Karl’s thinking of is some ultra-conservative poon-tang.

Lynette brushes her hair *cough* wig *cough* in the mirror at home and gets a little queasy. Tom yells at her to come downstairs, and says that he scored awesomely on the test and is headed for college. Penny “Aw, Poor Kid, Let’s Give Her At Least One Line Or Something In the Last Episode” Scavo says congrats to her dad. Parker “Hey! I’m In This Show Too!” Scavo tells his dad that he can help him study. Oh, I guess Porter is the one going to the college too. Preston must be the one going to Europe. Tom wants to take everyone out for sundaes! Lynette says she’ll be there in a minute, and then calls her Dr., because she thinks her cancer is back. Well, now I guess I can’t make fun of Lynette, because she has CANCER. Whatever, I’m still doing it.

Somehow, taking the family out for ice cream doesn’t sound like the best idea. That’s a death sentence on this show.

Dave is driving Susan and M.J. to The Fishing Trip (finally!). M.J. says something “cute” about diapers and juice and being able to pee and not getting juice because he pees a lot . . . I’m not really sure. And Susan’s all, oh, kids — so much fun. And Dave’s all, “I remember.” Susan’s all, whaaaaaa?! And then Dave says he used to have a little girl. But she’s dead. So, thanks for bringing up bad memories, Susan, you insensitive banshee! Susan says she’s soooo sorry. Oh, you’ll be sorry, Susan — when your kid’s 6 feet in the ground! Mwahahahaha! And so on.

McCluskey and Roberta break into Dave’s house. Roberta heads straight for the hooch and the pills. Hee! The label on the pills says they belong to David Dash and “Who the hell is that?” Uh-oh, the cops show up at the door — busted!

So, this dude shows up at Boreson’s motel to rough him up a bit — choke him, threaten him — so that he’ll stop with the Bree nonsense. But, you guys, Boreson could totally take him. Also, the guy’s dressed like a door-to-door Latter-Day Saint. That’s not scary at all. If someone wanted to scare me, they should send some burly dude with like, scars on his face and a missing ear or something. This guy seems like he’d just want to give you a pamphlet and ask if you know how Jesus can change your life.

When you’re done, go try to scare Tom about plastic surgery again.

Gabby’s telling Anna “I’m 21 But Can Totally Get Away With Playing 16, Right? Right?!” Solis about how she has to do her own cleaning and laundry and stuff; giving her curfews and junk. Anna agrees to do all the cleaning and everything that Gabby asks. Gabby finds out one of Anna’s dresses is Versace, and another is Vera Wang. Anna says they were gifts from her boyfriends, who are “college guys with rich parents” who can buy her anything. She explains to Gabby that she doesn’t have to actually “do anything,” but just make them think that she will. In other words, she’s a tease-whore. Which is a perfectly valid and just life decision on her part, that will probably never end up with her getting emotionally and physically hurt.

Excuse me young lady, but to be a whore you have to put out. Oy I have so much to teach you.

Boreson is moping in his house, with his shirt unbuttoned, and I have to say: Nice. Go ahead and make fun of me, but I’d do him if the opportunity arose. I’d do him nice and good. Oh, I guess the Latter Day Dude ripped the shirt. Bree is shocked to hear that he was roughed up, and even though Orson accuses her of setting it up, she denies it. And Orson says he believes her and says he should have known that Bree would never hurt him. And with that, Boreson’s back to stay. Bree not impressed.

Anna’s out on the porch reading a mag, when Carlos and Gabby say they’re running off for a bit. She says that she’ll sweep the porch and make sure the girls do their chores too. She spies the Scavo boys outside. Uh-oh, Annie Sue. Whatchu thinkin’ ’bout? Flash forward (thank god) to when Carlos and Gabby get back from the store, and Gabby’s impressed to see that Anna has really cleaned the house. Turns out, Parker, Preston, and Porter wanted to “hang out” but since Anna had chores to do first, they “insisted” on helping. Parker’s all, “I don’t suggest it, but you could totally eat out of your toilet now.” Hee. Hey, Cherry — we need more Parker Scavo next season. Gabby tells them to go home, but Juanita was impressed that Anna convinced the Scavo horn-dogs to do her chores as well. Anna’s all, what does it matter how the house got cleaned, that’s what you wanted, right? And then intimates that Gabby pretty much wants her to be the housekeeper, and not a guest. Okay, anyone else reminded of Marissa/Mischa “My Best Days Are Over” Barton from The OC when Anna talks? Cuz I am. Man, Marissa/Mishcha sucked/sucks.

Anyway, Gabby says that she and Carlos will support and love her, but she needs to follow rules like, do chores, no boys in the house, and no more gifts from dudes. Anna says Gabby is jealous of her because she’s not young and can’t get guys to do things for her anymore. Which is a total lie, especially now that she’s lost those 10 lbs. that made her “fat.” Gabby’s all, yeah? You wanna challenge me, pinche puta? Cuz I’ll throw your ass out on the street faster than Britney Spears did to that dude from high school that she married in Vegas! Anna goes outside to sulk, but cries crocodile tears when Carlos shows up, manipulating him into arguing with Gabby and telling her to act like an adult when it comes to Anna. Anna walks in and smirks at Gabby. Oooh, it is so on!

This isn’t like that storyline where Lynette had to deal with Tom’s evil daughter AT ALL. Recycle.

McC and Roberta are down at the police station, gettin’ worked over by The Man. Inept Cop #1 comes in and says that Dave Dash was Dr. Heller’s patient, and then that his family were killed in “that car crash up on Canterbury Road,” and then McC is all, that’s the crash that Mike and Susan were in! And Roberta’s all, Why would Dave move onto the same street as the people that killed his family?! Do you guys know what this means?! Yes! You do! And you’ve known since like the 2nd episode!

Lynette’s at the hospital, and the doctor comes in to tell her that the tests did pick something up. Turns out, it’s not cancer — she’s pregnant. Six weeks. Geez, are the Scavos Catholic or something?! It’s called the pill! Or a condom! Or a diaphragm! Or only oral! Geez.

Katherine and Mike are at the airport, and Mike’s on the horn to Susan, telling her to be sure to wear sunscreen. Katherine asks Mike if he’s sure he wants to go to Vegas and get married, and why doesn’t he just admit that he’s still hung up on Susan? Mike says he wouldn’t be there if he didn’t want to marry her. “Do I need to shout it out, in the middle of the airport?!” Oh, god no! Noooooooo! If anyone ever did that to me, I would immediately break up with him. So, Katherine gets her purse out of an even bigger bag to buy some cappuccinos for the two of them, and in the bigger bag is the video camera, which brushes up against her purse as she takes it out. And, lo and behold, against all the laws of nature and physics and machinery and common sense, the Dave’s Confession Video Tape just happens to be in the camcorder. And Katherine’s purse just happened to brush up against the play button. And the volume on the camcorder just happens to be so loud that Mike hears it. And the picture happens to be so crystal-clear that Mike sees the video perfectly. So, Mike knows what Dave is up to on The Fishing Trip. Finally.

Mike tells some woman to tell the lady he was with that he’s sorry, but it’s an emergency and he had to go, and then runs out of security. Ugh, Mike, it’s going to take you like forever to get back through. And you’ll have to take your laptop out, and take off your shoes again . . . oy, it’s just such a big to-do. Anyway, the lady tells Katherine that the man she was with had to go, and that he’s sorry. But the bitch DOESN’T tell Katherine that it’s an emergency. Disappointment and humongous rejection, thy name is Katherine.

Finally, take four was usable.

Back at Karl’s office, Bree bursts in and confronts Karl on hiring someone to attack Boreson. Karl says they needed to gain the upper hand in the divorce. Bree says that her morals have taken a downturn and she’s turned into someone she doesn’t recognize ever since she hired Karl (ever since? Girl, please.). Karl is all, “And you loved every minute of it.” Oh, the sexual tension . . . less . . . ness. Turns out? Karl’s hot for Bree. And even though she despises him, he kisses her, and you know what? That hoochie is totally into it! I am shocked . . . that the writers didn’t think we’d see that coming.

Mike calls Susan on the road — she’s in the car with Dave and M.J. — and tells her all about Dave, and his real name, and who his wife and kid were (okay, did Mike watch the entire tape while he was driving?) and that Susan and M.J. are in deep, deep trouble. Susan pretends that Mike was talking about his flight being cancelled (atta girl!), and Mike says he’s calling the cops ASAP and that he’s half an hour from the lake; so Susan needs to try to get away from Dave at a gas station or something. Dude, just give M.J. a shit-ton of juice boxes and let the whole thing play out. That’s what I’d do. Susan asks Dave if he wants to stretch his legs or get something to eat, but Dave wants to get to the lake to just. Go. Fishing. Already! Susan says it’s no big deal, but she sneaks M.J. a juice box. Hey! I totally called it! And before you get all, “Uh, whatever, you’ve already seen this episode,” the answer is uh, no. I recap as I watch the ep for the first (and usually only) time. That’s how I roll. So, basically, I’m either a genius or this show is predictable as all get-out. And it’s probably the latter.

Back at Lynette’s, Tom is super-jazzed about school supplies that he got for school. Lynette breaks the pregnancy news to Tom, who is surprised because “We’re old!” THAT was your protection?! Rationalization? Ridiculous. Lynette also breaks the news that they’re not having one baby, but two. As in twins. Ooookkkay, didn’t Lynette suspect anything when Aunt Flo didn’t come knocking at the door? I mean, she could have thought it was menopause or something, but wouldn’t she even be curious enough to go to a doctor about it? I’m no woman but, come on — 6 freaking weeks?! If they’re old enough for the doctor to detect a heartbeat, then surely you’d know something was up? And hey, Lynette — way to go binge drinking last episode. That’ll be great for the twins.

This whole household needs to just go away.

Back at the Car of Death, M.J. has to go pee, and even though Susan wants to go to a rest-stop or something, Dave pulls over on the side of the road instead. While M.J. is out peeing, Dave gets a call from the police saying the jig is up. Susan hits Dave on the head with a rock, knocking him out, but alas, turns out the car keys are with Dave and not in the car. As Susan tries to get them from his pocket, Dave wakes up! So Susan and M.J. start to run away. Susan tells M.J. that it’s a game, and then she trips on a rock, since, you know, she’s Susan and she’s so clumsy and cute! Okay, so apparently Dave stopped in front of a graveyard, and $1,000 says it’s the one where his wife and kid are buried. It’s important, Susan tells M.J., for him to win the game so he needs to hide and not come out, not even if he hears Dave, and M.J. runs off to hide. However, Dave catches up with Susan, and says she’s not going to eff things up for him, so he puts a gun to her head — as you usually do in these types of situations — and she needs to call for M.J.

For a second, I thought Susan wouldn’t do it, but then she totally does. But then she tells him NOT to come out, and then Dave whacks her on the head with a gun. Dave walks through the cemetery, which we’re supposed to believe is really totally super-duper close to the woods even though it’s completely obviously not, calling for M.J., and asking him if he wants to go on The Fishing Trip. Will Dave ever get to go fishing?! Geez. M.J. picked a great hiding place — completely out in the open behind a grave. That’s one smart kid. That, coupled with a promise of letting him drive the boat, leads him to Dave. Way to obey your mother, dumbass.

I guess Dave really wants to do this thing at the lake, because he holds Susan at gunpoint in the car, while M.J. sits in the back watching a DVD on a portable DVD player. Susan pleads that Dave is a good man and doesn’t want to do this. Mike calls Susan’s phone and Dave answers. Mike pleads with him too, and says he’s on Route 12. This is important, because Dave asks, “You’re on Route 12?” Route 12! Dave says that if Mike calls the cops and alerts them then Susan and M.J. die, but he can meet Dave at an abandoned rest-stop at the intersection of Route 12 and Canterbury Rd. Route 12! Susan realizes Canterbury Road is the place where she and Mike hit Dave’s wife and kid. And 1 second later, it goes from 3 in the afternoon to 10 at night. I guess it took them 7 hours to get to Canterbury Road. Canterbury Road! Dave tells Susan that he thought it would be “poetic” to bring them there. That’s sort of a loose use of the term “poetic.” I mean, a black fly in your chardonnay, now THAT’S poetic.

What street is this?

Dave blahs about how it was all Susan’s fault, but Mike wants to be the hero, so they’re gonna do things a different way. He ties Susan to a road sign, and says that M.J. is going to stay where he is in the car as Mike comes barreling down the road, and she’s going to watch as M.J. is killed the same way his wife and kid were. Um, Dave? I don’t mean to be that guy, but unless you screwed with Mike’s brakes, there’s kind of a BIG hole in your plan. Susan’s all, If your daughter could see you know, is this how you’d want her to see you? Dave don’t care, beyotch. Dave goes back to the car, to make sure M.J.’s still asleep, and he sees his daughter-ghost. Susan unties herself and runs into the street to stop Mike as he barrels down the road. Ah, NOW I see what was going on — Dave revs up the engine and drives down the road perpendicular to Mike, and Mike, obviously not expecting this, runs into Dave’s car. Susan screams for M.J. . . . and it turns out he’s walking on the road, unharmed: Dave told him to get out. Mike’s okay too. And Dave’s okay too.

But. we enter Dave’s mind, and he’s thinking back to the moment where his wife and daughter went to get ice cream. Only this time, Dave says that there’s no need to go for ice cream because Dave can make s’mores at home. Annnddd, then we’re out of Dave’s mind, and it turns out he’s in a mental hospital, where he can re-live those happy memories over and over again. Hmmmmm . . . more on this later.

Title: Two Months Later. So, what, it’s 2027 now? We’re back at the church, where Mary Alice blahs about marriage and birth (Lynette), family (Anna and the Solis gang) importance of fidelity (Bree sits next to Orson, but stares back at Karl). And then the minister says that it’s time for the kiss, and it turns out the groom is Mike. But who’s the bride? We’ll never know. At least not until next season. And THAT, my friends, is the big cliffhanger.

I’m putting my money on Aunt Connie.

So, that’s it. Honestly, I could care less who Mike marries. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out to be neither Katherine nor Susan. But if I had to choose, my money’s on Susan. Also, it would have been a mind-fuck if this entire season had been entirely in Dave’s mind — like the end of St. Elsewhere when it turned out that the whole show had been the fantasy of some kid with Down’s Syndrome, or that season of Dallas that turned out to be a dream. You know what? I was kind of hoping for that, because that would give us a fresh start and almost erase this abortion of a season. I would add more about the fact that this season is finally over, but doing two episodes back-to-back is exhausting, so I’ll add comments later. Suffice to say I’m really, really glad this season is done. It was really the low-point of a once fantastic show. I hope Cherry & Co. realize this and actually make an effort to make season 6 watchable. We made it, guys. Give yourself a hand! And a martini.

See ya next season, suckas!