Desperate Housewives: Brides, Wed Revisited

Previously on Desperate Housewives: Gabby’s niece Slutty Ana moved in with her and her husband and chubby ninas; Bree decided to divorce Orson and then decided to have a Hot Karl; Lynette got pregnant, again, so stick around for another kid whose name starts with a “P”; Susan whined a lot and almost got killed but didn’t and now maybe she married Mike but maybe Katherine did; and Marc Cherry decided he’d had enough of Nicolette Sheridan rockin’ the Lane and being arguably the only enjoyable character in an abortion of a season; and ABC online had a video player that didn’t take up my entire screen so that I could type and watch comfortably at the same time. Let’s all try to forget last season’s suckfest and try to focus on this season being the best one yet (which is, coincidentally, the mantra of the Kansas City Royals, I believe)!

God I hope he’s under that veil.

***Note to readers: This was downloaded for better pics and I ended up with French subtitles. Look at it as a learning experience.

Turns out beige is still beige in French.

We’re at the church on the wedding day, and Mary Alice blabs about silk and lace and garters and wedding stuff, and those legs look too nice to be Susan’s or Katherine’s. Stand in!

Terri Hatcher was like sorry but I wasn’t told to get my feet done this summer and besides I was too busy getting my nose stuck back on. Get a stand in.

Turns out, Susan’s the bride. Who’s shocked? No one in America, Canada, France, and possibly the U.K. Not Mexico – they have their own version: Amas de Casa Desesperadas. Muy bueno! Yeah, so Susan’s all nervous and junk, and hey! It’s her daughter, Julie! Last time we saw her she was dating that guy from Wings. No, the other one. No, not the fat guy or the one that was in Sideways, you idiot! The OTHER one! There you go. But someone’s out to ruin Suzy-Q’s day, and that someone is Li’l Kathy, who’s all whored out in a red dress (hey, someone’s gotta fill the Edie/Slut void), intent on stopping the wedding or something, which is kind of dumb since the ceremony’s over and Mike and Suzy are walking down the aisle.

Anyway, Kathy’s all, oops, guess I didn’t get the invitation. She then decides to curse Susan, saying that on the eve of her 16th birthday, she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel . . . and die! It’s all very dramatic. And completely predictable. Shortened credits with apples!

Hey isn’t the priest the dude from CHIPS?

So, a title card pops up that says “Eight Weeks Before the Wedding.” Given the way they mess with time on this show it could either be 2 months from the last episode or the year 2022. Mary Alice blahs about finding sin in the suburbs. Where does it lurk? In the houses of your neighbors, obviously. Bree and Karl are at Karl’s office having a little skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight. Aaaaaaaafternoon delight! Bree doesn’t want to bone away on some skeezy futon from Ikea. No, when she commits adultery she wants it to be perfect, y’all. Wanting to please Bree (you know, before she completely lets him down in the sack), Karl agrees to get a hotel room. I hope they get one with a make-your-own-waffle breakfast bar because that’s just fun!

Over at Gabby’s house, Ana leaves for school. Hey, Carlos got a haircut. I don’t like it. It kind of looks like he shaved all his hair off and then colored his scalp with a Sharpie. Meh, i’d still do him. Nice and good, y’all. Nice and good.

Ana’s dressed in some baggy sweatshirt and Gabby’s like, ummmmm no, watchu got hidin’ under there, ho? Turns out, Ana wants to wear some flowery tie-dyed negligee to school. Kids these days. When I was in school, we didn’t show our stomachs to be cool. No, we wore Birkenstocks and baggy flannel shirts to hide our hard packs of Marlboro Light 100s and Ziploc bags of weed. Gabby makes Ana change, and Ana’s all, “I’ll just wear one of your shirts, I’ll bet it’ll be happy to be somewhere other than the grocery store!” And then Juanita totally says what we’re all thinking and goes, “Oh, snaaaappp!” It is TOO cute for words. Give this girl her own three-story arc, Cherry! Or, better yet, write better episodes to make up for last year’s shit. Gabby complains to Carlos about Ana! What?! That is so unlike her! Usually she’s so cheerful and grateful for what she has. Huh. Carlos wants Gabby to sign the adoption papers to give them custody of Ana, but Gabby won’t until Ana’s behavior improves.

If we all say “Oh, zut!” at least ten times casually in conversation this week, it will catch on and we will feel like masters of vernacular. GO!

Lynette’s sitting at her table and Tom comes in all, “What smells so good?” Lynette: “Despair, mortality, agonizing fear.” Oh, Lynette, sweetie, concerned about the new season already? It’s only the first episode, honey, let’s give it some time, mmkay? Tom says it smells like waffles, which I believe is the first sign of a stroke. Lynette laments about how she’ll be like 80 when the twins she’s having (right, she’s having twins) graduate from high school, and how it really, really will suck to have more kids. Even though Preston is going to Europe (I think he’s one of the twins, but I’m not sure and really don’t care), there will still be 2 more mouths to feed. Lynette, I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I will say that it rhymes with Schmanned Schmarenthood and schmasmortion. Lynette yells at Tom, who’s is lamenting the fact that there are, “8 and half months to go.” Yeah, cuz Lynette’s only a moody bitch when she’s pregnant.

MIke talks to Kathy about breaking up. So they do, and she gives her ring back to Mike. When he goes over to Susan’s, he tells her that Katherine handled everything pretty okay. Mike throws Susan a reality ball when he says that Susan will have to talk to Katherine at some point. I’m sure Susan will do so, but I’m even more sure the confrontation will somehow involve Susan falling on a cake or something.

Can someone remind me why women are fighting over Mike? Poor guy just wants a loooong nap.

Meanwhile, Lee (of the Gay Bob and Lee) is showing a house to Adriana from The Sopranos (or Joey Tribbiani’s sister Gina if you’re the person who watched NBC’s Joey) and her husband and son. Her name is Angie Bolen. I guess Lee is doing real estate now. Was he doing that last season? Anyway, Angie is a no-nonsense, ballsy lady with a Bronx/Brooklyn accent. I’m so glad Drea de Matteo is stretching her acting legs. Her son doesn’t want to live on Wisteria Lane, and I can’t imagine why. Unless it’s because of the suicides. And the crazy people locked in basements. And the pedophile. And dentists who commit hit and runs. And the murders. And Susan. And poorly executed story lines. And Susan. But Angie’s like, whose fault is it that we have to move? Whose fault indeed, we wonder as the emo-wannabe-Fall-Out-Boy-and-Paramore-listening teenage boy glares menacingly out the window at Julie Mayer who has just arrived at her mother’s house. I don’t know the kid’s name yet, but I’m willing to bet it’s Red Herring Bolen.

Oh, so now it’s 6 weeks before the wedding. What happened in that two weeks? We’ll never know, and I’ll never care. The gals are having Angie over for coffee at Bree’s house, and Angie says her son is about to start college next week, but Susan says he already asked Julie to tutor him in math. Angie’s like, uh really? Ooooh, so her son is bad at math! Intriguing . . . ly boring. The doorbell rings, and Bree says Katherine is coming over, which causes Susan to freak the fuck out, as she is wont to do. Susan tells the gals that she hasn’t really had a chance to talk to Katherine about everything that went down. Angie smells something going on. I guess Bree let one of her silent-but-deadlies again. Or, maybe she feels the tension between Susan and Katherine, who’s dropping off some menu for a catering job. Katherine is ice, ice baby to Susan.

Lynette, one of your twins is already falling out. And it’s like seventy years old.

Lynette’s at the doctor’s office, and I’ve seen unwed teenage mothers in prom dresses who are happier than she is. I don’t blame her. Babies suck. Some cheery first-timer is all, I can’t wait to have a baby! My husband says he’ll be so hands-on! And of course, Lynette can’t have no one goin’ around bein’ all happy and shit, so she decides to burst that bubble wide open. She tells Cheery McFirstBaby that unless her husband grows him some ta-tas full of breast milk, she’s on her own. Lynette then goes on to say that Cheery’s body will look like shit and her kids will hate her, and that she will always be lonely. Good ole Lynette – when she sees happiness, she just drops her pants and takes a steaming dump all over it.

Meanwhile, Karl and Bree enter the motel where wood paneling comes to die. Karl immediately takes his shirt off, and instead of doing the sensible thing and jumping right on that thing and swinging on it ’til Sunday, she’s all, this motel is dirty and gross! Waaaahhhh! How the hell does Bree end up sleeping with anyone? She CANNOT be that good in bed. She somehow convinces Karl to go to Kohl’s to get sheets for the bed, and then suggests that they stop to get flowers for the motel room. And Karl’s all, you don’t even want this affair to happen, and you’re leading me on, and I’ve got blue balls! Welcome to a relationship with Bree, Karl – where the men are constantly emasculated and never satisfied. But the pies are good.

Some delivery guy comes to Katherine’s house to deliver Susan’s wedding dress, since Susan wasn’t home. Katherine signs for it. Uh-oh, what do you have planned, Kathy Jo? When Susan arrives home, she sees a note from the delivery guy, which states that the package was left at Katherine’s, so she motors on over there. Katherine answers the door in Susan’s wedding gown! Susan: “I did not see that coming.” Truthfully, neither did I. Touche, Cherry. Touche.

Oh, zut!

Before taking it off and giving it back, Katherine says she has to check on her sauce. Oh, bitch! So, Katherine stirs her bubbling Ragu in the wedding dress. Katherine realizes she’s being a crazy ho and starts to get all weepy and tells Susan she’s going to take off the dress. Back at Susan’s, things are back to normal, i.e., Susan making everything about herself and whining to everyone about it, and thinking that they actually give a shit. Apparently, she thinks people will feel bad for Katherine at the wedding and not happy for her. Yeah, if I feel bad for anyone at the wedding, it’s going to be Mike.

Yay, McCluskey!! Gabby’s driving her to the grocery store cuz she wants to make meatloaf for her new boyfriend! Oh my gosh, I hope that we get to see him! When Gabby pulls up to her house, Ana is washing Gabby’s other car. Oddly, she has an ulterior motive, which is so unlike a teenager. The motive is a party. Gabby says Ana can go, since she’s made an effort – just be back by 10. There’s a problem, though, since a.) the party doesn’t start ’til 11, and b.) it’s at some “downtown club.” You mean the one that burned down last year? Because that was pretty much the only place to go in Fairview. Gabby says no, and Ana is pissed, and McCluskey says kids suck and thank god her boyfriend had a vasectomy. Ha! You know what? We need more McCluskey and Gabby time, now that Edie’s gone. Oh, now I’m sad! Who will McCluskey call a slut now? Hopefully Bob or Lee, because McC is just waiting to blossom into some gay guy’s hag.

Meanwhile, Julie is tutoring the lead singer from Green Day. Ah, wait, it’s just the new Bolen kid, Red Herring Bolen. He asks Julie out for a movie or coffee or something, and she says sure. Oh, hey, his name is Danny, cuz his dad comes in and asks him to take out the trash. The dad thanks Julie for asking him out and says it was nice of her, since clearly, he’s not in her league. I don’t know — is that supposed to be slimy or creepy? Is he hitting on her or just being weird? Am I caring too much or not enough?

I’ve been getting laid. Like, a lot. And not just missionary style. I didn’t even know I could do a headstand but you know what? I CAN!

It’s night-time, and Gabby’s on the horn with Carlos, who says he’s working late. Gabby goes to check on Ana, who is apparently sleeping soundly and snoring. Or is she?! No, she’s not, because when Gabby turns back the covers, turns out Ana paid Juanita 5 bones to pretend to be Ana sleeping. And so, our intrepid little Gabby goes to the club to find Ana, where she pays a deejay to let her usurp the microphone and ask if anyone’s seen her niece. All the kids in the club are like, boooo narc! Boooo buzzkill! And then Gabby threatens to call the cops with drug-sniffing dogs (see? She actually is a buzzkilling narc), so the kids find Ana and throw her up on the stage.

On the way home, Gabby is all, my rules, my house, don’t mess with me, you’re lucky we don’t throw you out. Ana’s like, fine, throw me out because I’ll go to the big city and become a model! Better learn to do your fierce smeyes like Tyra first, bitch. When Gabby says that’s stupid, Ana says that Gabby herself did it, and Gabby’s all, my mom didn’t care and my stepdad tried to go all Woody Allen on my ass, so I had to leave. And then ANA’s all, yeah, well my dad left when I was three and my mom’s a total jailbird. Gabby’s like, we feed you and junk, and Ana’s all, yeah? well you’re keeping all your options open, cuz I know you haven’t signed those papers so I know you don’t want me and junk. With that, Gabby goes in and grabs the papers and signs them, giving her full custody of Ana. Ana is pissed, but it’s that kind of pissed where you know she’s really glad and stuff. Doesn’t mean she’s not going to be a mean slut for the rest of the season, though, so don’t you worry.

This car smells funny. Has an old horny lady been in here?

McCluskey is outside, and she catches Green Day Danny yelling at Julie, saying that “all [she] cares about is [her]self!” And “Go to hell!’ Julie wants to explain, but he won’t let her, since he’s in a rush to record that new concept album about capitalism or the war in Iraq.

It’s the day of the wedding! Oh, I hope nothing goes wrong! Bree is at the Our Lady of Plot Development church, decorating, when Boreson decides to stop by and plead his case. He says they need therapy, and man, I have to agree. Oh, couples therapy, he means. Bree says they need a divorce, and Boreson says that Bree can’t get rid of him by withholding sex. He went three years in prison without sex, actually, he says. Please. I bet his nickname in prison was Power Bottom Hodge. He says he can make her happy again, and Bree’s like, not by blackmailing me, asshole! Now, I’m not the biggest fan of Bree . . . or this show past season 4 . . . but I have to agree.

Lynette and Tom are having a sonogram. Well, just Lynette. Although, I once had a sonogram. Turns out it was just diet, not an ulcer, so you can stop worrying. Thanks, though. Steve is excited about the ultrasound, but Miranda’s not. Oh, wait, sorry – I meant TOM is excited and LYNETTE is not. Sorry, I get confused sometimes when this show borrows heavily from Sex and the City plot lines. Pretty soon Mary Alice will end each episode by voice-over-ing, “I couldn’t help but wonder . . . ” Gee, I hope Lynette doesn’t change her mind about the babies when she sees the sonogram, because that would just be so unpredictable I couldn’t handle it. Tom’s like, when are you gonna be excited? And Lynette says, ” . . . I don’t love them . . .” Wow, now that is some brutal honesty, folks. Lynette then goes on to say that she loved all her kids when she found out she was pregnant, but not this time. And you guys, I make fun of Lynette a lot (cuz she totally deserves it), and I know this is only the first episode of the season, but damn — hand Felicity Huffman that Emmy now because she is heartbreaking. Tom says she’ll care about the kids when she holds them. Lynette says okay, but something tells me she wouldn’t be disappointed if she ended up at a schminic for a schmasmortion.

Si j’ai affaire avec un enfant de plus putain que semble être tout comme vous, je vais le tuer, vous, ou gravez-la maison vers le bas et se faire avec vous tous, asshole.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the wedding. I hate weddings, by the way, as they’re just a reminder of something that is legally denied to me. And if they’re Catholic? Oy, forget about it, I’m not sitting and standing for four hours and listening to the cousin of the bride singing “From This Moment On” while some dude in a robe waves weird incense in my face. However, I LOVE wedding receptions — the free food, the open bar, the dancing, the open bar, the cake, the open bar . . . lovely. Also, people, just a quick word: Please do NOT sing at your own ceremony, or have any of your pets involved. It’s tacky. And kind of sad, really. Where were we? Oh, yes, in the parking lot of the Our Lady of the Only Church In Town So Everyone In This Show Apparently Worships Here, Bree slips into Karl’s car and says that later she’ll slip into his pants at the motel. Really, says Karl? Yes, really, says Bree, as long as there are clean sheets and an advanced copy of Sarah Palin’s autobiography next to the bed. Nothing gets Bree hotter than a media whore governor who quits her highly important job without giving any explanation whatsoever. Palin for President!

Susan’s all dressed up for the wedding, in her white dress and all, and who else shows up unannounced in the green room in her whores-a-poppin’, shit-stirrin’ red dress but our own Kathy Jo. And she is pissed. She goes off on Susan and is majorly torqued off about how Susan hasn’t even ‘pologized, so she tells Susan that she has to ‘pologize in front of everyone. At the church. During the ceremony. Oh, dip, bitch! Susan ain’t diggin’ that, but Kathy says that if she doesn’t, she’ll create a scene so ugly that “people will still be talking about it on your golden anniversary.”

It’s sweet that you think Susan has fifty years left of life, let alone marriage.

Susan agrees, and asks Kathy to get her gloves from the closet, and when Kathy goes in to get them, Susan kicks her in there and the locks the door. Oh, hey, Susan and Mike remembered that they have a kid and made M.J. their ring-bearer. No lines, though. Sorry, little dude — See ya on TMZ in 10 years when you rob a convenient store while doped up on crystal meth. Oh, what’s this? Seems Katherine has summoned all the powers of hell to break free from the closet and confront Susan and Mike. Mike ain’t havin’ any of that, though, and says he’ll drag Kathy out himself if he has to. Damn, poor Katherine.

I’m totally on her side, guys, but I have to say this: I have never understood why people blame the “other woman/man” instead of the ex. When I found out that my boyfriend met someone on the internet (from fucking Kentucky, no less), and had gone there to do him and NOT for the job interview, like he said, well I knew who to blame. Asshole Bill, that’s who. Thanks for cheating on me with some cyber whore, you bastard. Kathy needs to redirect her anger at Mike, because a.) he’s the one who broke off the engagement, and b.) no one’s ever mad at Mike, and hot as he is, that kind of pisses me off.

Um, anyway, Katherine is embarrassed and weepy and turns away to leave, when Susan tells her to wait. She then goes on this long spiel about how it was wonderful and happy when Mike proposed, but it was at Katherine’s own happiness and wonderfulness sacrifice, and will Katherine forgive her? Looks like it, but . . . no. Katherine is still waaay pissed off.

Over at Angie’s, Green Day is missing, so Angie tells her husband to go look for him, and things have to work out in Fairview, so “we can’t make waves here.” She then pulls her dress off to reveal burn marks or scars all over her back. We know these are interesting and mysterious scars and not sad ones because the music tells us so. Mary Alice blahs about secrets and suburbs, because that’s apparently all there is to talk about when one’s dead. And then when Julie Mayer is taking out the trash, someone comes up behind her, strangles her, and leaves her on the ground! Well, she may be in a coma for most of the season, but at least Andrea Bowen gets a paycheck this year.

Joey did this.

And that’s it! On the whole, I think this was a much more satisfying premiere than last year’s predictable and unstable piece of poo. With the whole “five-year” gimmick behind us, I think this season just might be better. I just hope that that Green Day isn’t the strangler, since that would be predictable, but I’m not gonna hold my breath as I’m sure that’s how it will turn out. Boo. And if the gals work some zombie hoodoo magic and raise Edie from the dead, well, all the better. See you next week, kids.