Desperate Housewives: Pre-Natal Attraction

This week on Desperate Housewives: Andrea Bowen earns some easy coma money; Bree thinks about telling Susan about her affair with Karl; Gabby and Ana butt heads (whaaa?); and Katherine becomes completely insane.

The fight over a plumber continues. Cuz that happens like all the…never.

Mary Alice blahs again, but this time it’s about McCluskey, so I’ll forgive it. Apparently, McCluskey and her new boyfriend, Roy are doin’ it, and doin’ it, and doin’ it well. Look, I love McCluskey, and everyone should have a healthy and fun sex life, but in the immortal words of Valerie Cherish, “I don’t need to see that!” Seriously. The Comeback. Rent it, stick with it through the first 3 or so episodes, and love it.

Anyway, McCluskey and Sex Toy Roy are walking throughout the neighborhood, and McC says she loves Roy, but she needs him to say it too. It’s such a nice day for a walk. La dee da, just another beautiful day on Wisteria Lane. The sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky. The birds are singing. Someone is watering her lawn. The grass is green. The faint laughter of children can be heard from afar. And there’s someone passed out by their trash cans. If I was walking through Wisteria Lane and saw that, I’d be all, “Meh. Par for the course. I wonder whatever happened to that nice black lady who hid her retarded kid in the basement. Oh well. Guess I’ll head on over to Lynette’s for some iced tea and shame.”

That passed-out someone? Is Julie Mayer. And no, she didn’t overdo it on the jageritas last night — she was chortled — strangled, if you will — by some mystery dude(ette). Roy finds her and calls 911 on his cell phone. Aw, old people with cell phones — so cute! But don’t try to text them, as it confuses and enrages them. McCluskey screams, either from fright or being pissed off that Roy didn’t get to say “I love you.” Or maybe she just realized Nicolette Sheridan isn’t coming back. Credits! Bah bah dah dah dah, bah dah dah dah, bah dah, bah dah, bah daahhhhhh!

That kid ruined my bit!

The titles state, “ten minutes earlier” . . . and five years and two months into the future, I might add. Mary Alice is all, The day started off so nice. Doesn’t it always, Mary Alice? Isn’t that what you’re always saying? Isn’t it always something like, “The day started out perfectly in the suburbs, until someone had a secret, because who knows what lurks behind hidden doors. Secrets. Suburbs. Suburbs. Secrets.”

Bob of Bob & Lee GayCouple is outside reading his morning paper. Um, why does Tuc Watkins have his shirt on, Cherry? Fail. We’re supposed to believe that Bob is happy about his “favorite sports team,” but I’m willing to bet that he’s excited about an ad regarding a 3-day sale on wicker at Hobby Lobby. Gabby’s other daughter, the one who never gets to say anything, whacks her doll against the porch. Mike and Susan are in bed, and Susan’s putting on some make-up for a little morning sex. I guess they didn’t go on a honeymoon. Ugh, they’re acting all cute and lovey, and luckily little M.J. interrupts all this because he wants to play in their room. When Mike and Susan finally remember who he is, they let M.J. into bed with them. I wish I was in bed with Mike. But not Susan. She can leave and I’ll just call her in an hour so she can come back in and make french toast for Mike and I. McCluskey screams, most likely because it’s all just too cute for her and she can’t stand it.

This kid is the strangler. Just remember I said that when it’s revealed in episode 24.

Over at Gabby’s, Leona Lewis is on the phone with her friend. Ah, wait, it’s Ana. She’s blabbing about some guy, and then Gabby gives Ana some guy advice, mainly that she should play men like fiddles. McCluskey screams, most likely because of Carlos’s new haircut.

And at the Bolen household, Angie’s making juice, and it turns out that Ana was on the phone with Danny Green Day Bolen. Huh. Interesting. I mean, sort of. Well, just barely. Mr. Bolen asks where Danny was last night, and Danny’s just like, “lots of places.” While Mr. Bolen is taking a shower, Angie presses Green Day for information, and it turns out Danny went out drinking because there’s nothing else to do on Wisteria Lane. Oh, come on, there are plenty of things to do! Cut off your own finger to blackmail someone, for example. Or bury a dead body in a trunk underneath the swimming pool you’re having built. Or shoot yourself in the head, run a pedophile out of town, get held hostage in the grocery store, sleep with your underage gardener, these are all fine things, really. McCluskey screams, most likely because she saw Danny and thinks there’s going to be a free Green Day concert on Wisteria Lane today. She’s a big fan, mostly of their early work. She plays Dookie like, constantly.

Now we’re at the house emasculation built, laid upon a solid foundation of lack of birth control. AKA the Scavo’s. Parker’s like, Was that you barfing this morning? And Porter’s all, “If you weren’t so old, I’d think you were pregnant.” Oh, dip! Penny doesn’t say anything. In fact, I don’t think she’s in this scene. Tom is ready to tell everyone about the baby, but Lynette makes up some lie about eating clams, and Parker’s like, Yeah, my point is “next time flush.” Lynette and Tom discuss telling people about the pregnancy, and by “discuss” I mean that Tom has an idea and Lynette angrily shoots him down and says they won’t be telling anyone until she’s ready.

Remember on Mad Men when Peggy got pregnant and didn’t even know it until she actually had the baby? That was weird. Anyway, McCluskey screams, most likely because she can’t stand the way Lynette treats Tom. But at the same time she can’t believe Tom still stays with Lynette, and therefore is so frustrated that she extends the scream.

Time to reform that awesome middle aged band.

At the Hodge camp, a hung-over Orson answers the door to Katherine. Is Bree there? No, she’s not. But she did want to tell Bree that she’s taking the day off, and then tells Orson that Mike married Susan because he felt sorry for her. And, that’s bad because . . . ? McCluskey screams because Marc Cherry has made Katherine become a shrill loon who is a pale shadow of her once bitchy, interesting self. Orson: “My thoughts exactly.”

Karl and Bree just finished having sex, and if they’re at Karl’s house, then it’s kind of idiotic for Bree to cheat on her husband on the SAME STREET he lives on. And if they’re at some hotel, then how will they be able to hear McCluskey scream? Bree looks kind of good all disheveled. Instead of the patented McCluskey Scream, the phone rings, and it’s Mike telling him about his daughter, Julie. And with that, we’re back to Wisteria Lane, where everyone’s gathered around her. Except, that is, Green Day, who is standing in the doorway of his house. McCluskey and Carlos stare and squint at him. I wish they each had a monocle and said, “Hmmm, what’s all this, then?” in a British Cockney accent.

Lynette and Gabby are off to the hospital, and apparently Bob and Lee are going to watch M.J. Aw, that’s so cute! Tom, Carlos, and Orson are like, Where are the Bolens? And Tom says the Wisteria Lane motto: How much do we know about our neighbors? Mary Alice is like, Tom, don’t steal my lines, bitch! Orson says they’re from New York (what? Not Chicago?) and Carlos says that Danny was standing in the doorway. Of his house! That means he HAD to have done it! Well, that and he fought with Julie last night. And then the Three Emasculated Amigos stand on the front lawn, staring at the Bolen household, wondering when they’ll get their balls back from their wives.

That kid’s staring at my haircut. Is it really that bad?

The Bolens are in their house and they ask Danny why he was fighting with Julie, and again ask where he was last night, and Danny’s like, I drank a lot, it’s all foggy. How convenient. They decide to pretend like everything’s okay, which completes the motto of Wisteria Lane: Wisteria Lane — We don’t really know our neighbors: We just pretend that everything’s okay.

McCluskey is worried about pointing the finger at Green Day and having “another family” on Wisteria Lane hate her. Roy’s like, “Who hates you?” McCluskey: “Oh, the gay guys. I’ve said stuff.” Ha! Roy’s like, I’ll be with you the whole time. “If you got hit by a bus, I’d miss you.” And then when McC threatens to withhold sex, he finally says “I love you.” Awww, old crotchety people in love.

At the hospital (hey, it wouldn’t be a real season if Susan didn’t end up at the hospital sooner or later), a detective asks Susan some questions and she really doesn’t want to answer them. Lynette and Gabby show up right when the doctor says that they’ll need to do an x-ray to look for internal bleeding or something. And Lynette’s like, Uh, I don’t think you should do an x-ray! Why? “Because Julie’s pregnant!” Whaaaaaaa?! Lynette says that Julie confessed to her that she thought she might be pregnant. Whaaaaaaaa?! Susan confused. And pissed. Yup. Julie Mayer. Pregnant. Whaaaaaaaaaaa?!

Whaaaaaaa??

Angie and Nick go over to take their weird Italian dish to the Mayers (good luck, cuz they’re not home, idiot). Carlos, Tom, and Boreson ask Nick to join their new neighborhood watch group, and then they get all suspicious on Nick’s ass regarding Green Day and Julie. I don’t think Nick is attractive enough to be a husband on Wisteria Lane, but whatever. Nick and Angie decide to create an alibi for their son.

Katherine knocks on Mike’s door to deliver what looks like a salad. Katherine takes the opportunity to give Mike an awkward hug which turns into an almost awkward kiss which makes Katherine seem really, really desperate. I know that’s the title and main concept of this show, but really, that bitch is crazy.

A couple detectives — Det. Paunchy White Guy and Det. Token Black Detective — arrive at Gabby’s house to ask Ana some questions. I’d ask her if she can sing Bleeding Love for me. They ask her where Ana was, and Gabby says she was home in bed because of the 10pm curfew. Ah, but Ana snuck out and met a friend. Who was that friend? Green Day. And what did they do? They bought some beer. When asked if anyone can verify their whereabouts, she says Greed Day can. Um, what about the person who sold them beer? And, uh, what about the fact that she’s 16 and was sold alcohol? The detectives don’t care. Because this is Wisteria Lane. Anything other than rape or murder is soooo passe.

It’s every other role I’ve ever played calling! They’ll take over from here, ok?

At the hospital, Bree finally shows up to visit Julie, Susan, and Karl. When Susan leaves, Bree tells Karl that Susan can never know about them, which, good luck with that kids, since Julie decides to wake up as soon as Karl starts frenching Bree. She’s all “Dad?” Whaaaaaaa?!

Susan hands Lynette some coffee in the waiting room and tells her that it turns out Julie isn’t pregnant. Remember on Veronica Mars when Meg was in a coma but she was pregnant and she woke up just in time to have her baby but then she died anyway? Weird. Turns out that Julie saw Lynette upset, they ended up talking, and Julie told Lynette about the pregnancy scare and asked that she not tell Susan. Lynette doesn’t know about the guy, just that Julie said it was “complicated.” Susan gets all pissed that Lynette didn’t tell her and that she feels “betrayed.”

Hey, aren’t you that woman who just stole her best friend’s fiance cuz you were in the mood that day? Just asking.

Gabby asks a handyman over to take down the trellis, but the guy’s like, That trellis is so janky that it wouldn’t hold anyone. So of course Gabby has to try it out. And of course, she breaks a rung and falls. And of course, we all knew that would happen. Also, didn’t Ana sneak out last week? How’d she accomplish that? Discuss.

We’re violently hurtled into the next scene, in which it appears the shock of her father kissing a Republican has sent Julie back into a coma. Well, that’d be enough for me. The doctor goes all Meredith Grey on Karl’s ass and tells him that drifting in and out of consciousness is . . . something (I don’t know), and he’s concerned with inter-cranial swelling and they may induce the coma if she wakes up because it’s easier to heal that way, but he’s sure she’ll be fine. Before the doctor leaves, Bree tries to convince the doctor that Julie won’t remember anything she saw when she woke up, but the doctor’s all, Yeaahhh, she pretty much will, so good luck with that, Hester Prynne.

Gabby confronts Ana about her lie about the trellis. She asks Ana if she covered up for Green Day, which she did, and Gabby decides to call the cops and tell the truth. Gabby is so moral. It’s not like she would kill her husband by knocking him off a yacht and then send the yacht back out in the water to make it look like an accident or anyth . . . ohhh.

If you have a young hot officer sixteen or under, send him over with a box of condoms.

Bree goes back to the hospital to give Susan a box of I’m Sorry I’m Fucking Your Ex-Husband Biscotti. Bree brings up Katherine and Mike, and then Susan’s like, You don’t mess with your friend’s exes. Good to know that these rules are still applicable after 7th grade, Susan. And Bree’s like, Well what if Katherine had slept with Karl, that wouldn’t have made you mad, right? Wrong again, Palin-lover. It’d be worse, because Karl hurt Susan so much — if a friend did that, it would be unforgivable to Susan. Bree, let’s do the pros and cons: Pro: You’d be sleeping with a guy whose ass you could bounce a quarter off of. Con: Susan would never speak to you again. Oh, wait, those are both pros . . .

Boreson goes over to Katherine’s with a card for Julie. Katherine asks if Boreson thought she was crazy this morning when she talked about all that crazy stuff about Mike and Susan. Yeah, Kathy, he kind of did. And then she’s like, I went over to Mike’s with a casserole today and “let’s just say he was grateful. VERY grateful.” Oh yeah, hand Mike a three bean salad and he’ll pound you for hours. Boreson’s like, “Why wouldn’t he be?” Ha! And then Katherine’s like, “God, you have no ear for innuendo at all! HE MADE A PASS AT ME!” Ha! I hate that Katherine’s become a mentally-deranged bitch, but that was really funny.

Boreson questions it since Julie’s in the hospital and Mike and Susan have been barely married a day. Methinks Boreson isn’t buying what Katherine’s selling. It’s like some weird 80s body-swapping movie where they’ve switched personalities — last year Boreson was the crazy klepto guy and Katherine was sane, and now Boreson’s sane (and a little bit funny) and Katherine’s like one rabbit-in-the-boiling-water away from becoming Alex Forrest. She will NOT be IGNORED, Mike!

And….couple.

Susan’s eating a sandwich (roast beef, I think, but she’s not eating the bread because she’s on Atkins or something) in the hospital when Lynette comes in, and Susan says she’s not mad, just disappointed that Julie didn’t come to her instead of Lynette. Then Lynette says that Julie told her about her troubles because Lynette told Julie that she was pregnant. Lynette again reiterates that there are many reasons she’s not thrilled to have a kid, but the main reason is that she can’t silence the one voice that says, “Maybe I shouldn’t.” Susan says she can do whatever she feels like she needs to do (schmasmortion), but kids are a gift and she knows that because her daughter’s in a coma. And of course Lynette will have her baby because this is American TV — we can talk about abortion, but god forbid a character actually have one. My, we’ve come a long way since Maude. Except not. At all.

Enter Bea Arthur with a coat hanger.

Bree and Susan are watching Julie when Karl walks in. Bree’s working on her N.R.A. cross-stitch as Karl says that he thought he needed to be alone, but what he really needs is to be with Bree. He slides his suitcase over to her — inside is a motel room key, and Bree takes it.

Gabby runs into Angie outside, and Angie blabs about how sorry she is that Green Day kept Ana out all night and that he’s been punished. And then Gabby’s like, Ana lied and that didn’t happen. Angie’s like, “Why would Ana lie?” Gabby: “Because he told her to.” Gabby says she just wanted to let Angie know that Ana’s taking it back, and that she’s talking to the police right now. Angie is annoyed, and then McCluskey walks up and gives her the stink-eye. So, Angie goes inside and says that she never should have told Green Day to ask Ana for an alibi, that she’s talking to the cops, and the cops should be over in a second. Angie tells Green Day to “tell them you will not waive your Miranda rights,” and they’ll have a lawyer down there as soon as possible. Now, don’t get me wrong — this season is already better than last year’s (not that that would be hard to accomplish) — but the bad boy neighbor with a past sleeping with someone’s daughter is sooooooo season 2.

Mary Alice voice overs about what a shitty day it had been. Shittier than being dead, Mary Alice? Yeah, didn’t think so. Lynette is getting ready to tell her family that there will be another baby whose name will start with a “P,” forcing me to go to Wikipedia every recap so I can remember whose name belongs to whom; Gabby is getting ready to ground Ana; Bree is getting ready to call Karl; but none of them finish what they start because they all see Green Day getting arrested. Susan watches the cop car drive away and glares at the Bolens.

Well, it could be worse. Cherry could cast Ally McBeal.

That’s it! Gotta say, only two episodes into this season and I’m already loving it more than the entire last one. The only exception being how bat-shit crazy Katherine is becoming. She’s almost crazy enough to get back at Susan by . . . strangling . . . someone . . . Oh man, if she ends up being the one, then I am done, Cherry! DONE!

Next Week: The return of John the Gardener!