Desperate Housewives: Coma Chameleon

This Week on Desperate Housewives: Lynette’s boobs are huge! Ana admits she has feelings for a now creepy John, which makes Gabby loco. Bree actually does some catering work for a change. Katherine continues her long slide into the bell jar, and Julie wakes up from her coma, which makes Mary Alice blab on about secrets. AGAIN.

Mary Alice is like, “Bree Van de Kamp is having an affair.” What? She is? I had no idea, Mary Alice, thank you! So Karl texts her about a booty call and there’s a montage of Bree giving Katherine all these excuses to leave for said booty, like an aunt with shingles or a Sarah Palin NRA press conference.

Gotta get my colon cleansed and my face chiseled a bit. CYA!

But this morning when she walks into the Kitchen of Tomorrow, it turns out Katherine’s been there since 3am, completing the entire job. It also turns out Katherine is completely insane, saying that she’s in love with Mike and his marriage to Susan won’t last. Now, as much as I want to see Susan in pain (although more physical than emotional), Kathy, you need to get a couple bottles of Jim Beam and get over it. Bree’s like, Oh I can’t help you finish because I have a teeth cleaning. And how will she be cleaning those teeth? Why, with Karl’s penis of course! Credits.

Mary Alice tells us that people in the neighborhood have SECRETS. I swear, Mary Alice, if you say something about how much we don’t know our neighbors, I swear to high heaven — dammit! “We don’t know our friends and neighbors nearly as well as we think we do.” AAUGH! At the Bolens, Nick says he needs coffee. Dude, that is SOOO last week. Catch up, d-bag. Green Day says he wants to quit college, and Angie’s like Um, one of us should have a diploma. Speaking as someone who has had 7 years of school, I can definitely say that a college degree is completely overrated. Look where it got me, peeps. Look where it got me.

Green Day is like, “No one talks to me at school.” Dude, it’s college, so why does it matter? Angie tells Nick that when her son’s not happy, he tends to open his mouth and say stupid shit, so they have to make him happy. Just buy him one of those Atari thingies the kids are always talking about these days.

At the Scavo house, Lynette is complaining. So odd for her to do that. Only this time, she’s complaining about herself. I know! Because she’s pregnant, her boobs are “huge,” and Tom’s glad and horny and is all, “Call in sick! Kids get snow days, we could call it a ‘Boob Day!’” Who the hell writes dialogue for Tom? Cuz he or she needs to be fired.

Gabby’s on the phone with Carlos complaining about being a mother to Carlos’s “demon spawn.” When all of a sudden, who should pull up but John the Gardener, who has given Ana a ride home from work at the restaurant. Gabby is pissed off, and is all, Ana has homework, and that’s what kids in high school have. John is like, Yeah you used to help me with mine. Oooh, burn. He says he was just giving her a ride home, and Gabby’s like, “Do you give the busboys a ride home?” There’s a very nice maybe-John-does-and-he’s-bi pause, and Gabby says from now on SHE will be giving Ana a ride home from work.

With those eyebrows you’ve at least gotta wonder.

Remember Julie Mayer? The girl in a coma? Well, apparently Susan is going all Terry Schiavo on her ass and hasn’t pulled the plug. What a waste of money and resources. But then again, if Julie died, who would call Susan out on her crazy shit? M.J.? Methinks not. So, Susan’s at the hospital, watching Julie, when who should come in but Andrew Van de Kamp. Huh. His head is way bigger than I remembered. He kind of looks like Roger the Alien in one of his disguises — I’m guessing the gay business man disguise. Andrew brought Julie some crappy flowers, and says that since Julie quit med school, he and Julie used to talk all the time. This is news to Susan, and when she finds out that Julie is a waitress now, things really get awkward. The worst part, though? When Andrew lets it slip that the guy Julie was seeing is married. Damn, Andrew! Dish, you queeny bitch!

Hopefully she’ll wake up and tell your ass to get a hair cut.

Back at the Solis house, Juannie Sue and The Other Solis Kid are sitting at the table with “mints.” Mints that are, Gabby finds out, “ribbed for her pleasure.” Ha! Juanita says she and her sister found them under Ana’s bed, and can she have one before dinner? She asks this while attempting to bite into one. Gabby says that they’re balloons, not mints, and goes upstairs to confront Ana. Gabby asks if she’s sleeping with John, and Ana’s like, No . . . Not yet! “I love him!” And Gabby is very supportive and offers to take her to get birth control and then gives her some very sound advice . . . is what would happen if this were any other show. Instead, Gabby freaks out and gives Ana a big NO to sleeping with John. And then takes the condoms because she “promised the girls they could fill them with water and throw them” out the window. Nice. I hope they drop a big lubey water balloon right on McCluskey’s head! I like McCluskey, but that would just be hilarious.

Porter’s in a hurry to pick up Penny from school, since he’s the only one in the family that remembered that she actually exists. Angie tries to stop him, but, like I said, he’s in a hurry. So she takes a plastic garbage tub and places it behind the car, forcing him to stop, and proceeds to ask him if he’ll help her throw Danny a party. Porter’s like, Yeeeeaaaaah Green Day and I don’t really hang, so . . . But when Angie gives him like $300 to “help with the party,” and then extra money for beer (sweet. I bet they buy Natural Light because you can get a 30 pack for like $5), Porter’s like Danny is my new best friend! You know who my new best friend is? The closing credits.

Bree’s doing business. You can tell because she’s wearing her glasses. She’s asking some chick which wedding cake she wants, but the girl is either really not interested or has Asperger’s, in which case it wasn’t cool for me to make fun of her. But I’m going to continue to do it anyway, probably. The girl poo-poos all the cakes, until she spies one that apparently Katherine sketched, just sitting by the computer. She likey that cake.

An Iggy cake. Sweet!

Over at Carlos and Lynette’s office, some dude who isn’t Stu (I miss Stu! Remember when Lynette made him kidnap her kids by saying he had candy? Awesome.) is staring at Lynette’s boobies. Ta-tas. Melons. Manchesters. And then asks Carlos if he notices anything different about Lynette. Like her wahwahs. Gazongas. Humdingers. Carlos is like, Dude she totally got a boob job. And then Carlos goes, Wait a minute dude, aren’t you gay? And the guy’s like, “You can’t ask me that.” And then Carlos is like, “Well, if not, I’m gonna have to punch you in the face for checking out my married friend.” Oh, please, Carlos, we all know you’re not above gay-bashing. We’ve all seen season 1, am I right folks? The guy’s like, I’m “Judy Barbra Liza gay!” Who writes dialogue for the gay guys on this show? Cuz he needs to be fired. Oh, what’s that? Marc Cherry’s in charge of that? Well . . . I stand by my request.

Carlos is in Lynette’s office, staring at her natties, and he’s like, I know your secret. Lynette’s all, “You know about the twins?” And so begins an actually kind of funny scene in which Carlos is talking about boobs and Lynette’s talking about kids (Lynette: “Doesn’t Gabby already have her hands full with the two you have?” Carlos: “To be honest, I always thought we could do better.” Hee.), until Carlos says that she should give Gabby the number of the guy who gave her the “boob job. Sorry – breast enhancement.” And Lynette’s all, Oooooooohhhhhhh.

But still, you could do better.

And now, for tonight’s presentation of our weekly play, Mike Puts Up With Susan’s Crazy-Ass Crap. Susan is going through Julie’s stuff, which is why my sister and I never kept diaries. I love my mom, but nosiness is pretty much her middle name. In Julie’s diary, she only refers to someone called “D.” Hmmm. Susan’s like, Why wouldn’t she mention a name? And Mike’s like, Uh so her mom wouldn’t know who she was talking about when she read her diary? Oh, snap, Mike! And then they get a phone call: Julie is out of her coma!

At the hospital, the doc is like, She doesn’t remember anything about the attack, so don’t like, interrogate her. I’m sure Susan will take the doctor’s advice. So, when she sees Julie, she’s like, Just sleep, honey, just rest. “And, just so you know, you’re not pregnant.” Uh-oh spaghetti-O’s! And then, “If you want, I can let your boyfriend know you’re not pregnant . . . Unless you think he strangled you because he’s married.” Julie’s like, You should go. And then Susan’s like, You can tell me anything. Julie: “I know. I’m telling you to go.” Damn, Susan got served twice in 5 minutes! Nice. Nice.

Bree’s in bed and on the phone with Karl who I guess asked what she’s wearing, and when she hangs up, she goes to the window (why?), and sees Katherine outside Mike and Susan’s, spying on them. She confronts Kathy Jo at The Kitchen of Tomorrow the next morning, and Katherine is on the express bus to Crazy Town. Katherine’s like, You’re just pissed because I’m in love and will run off with Mike and then I won’t be around to do all your work for you! Now, that statement is half-insane, but half-spot on. Bree hasn’t done a damn catering thing this entire season. Unless you call that thing she does with her finger that Karl likes but won’t admit to liking “catering.” But I for one, sir, do not. Bree’s like, fine, You’re on sick leave for three weeks, crazy ho!

And in that time, please stop at a Marshall’s. You look like a fruit loop.

At their office, Carlos goes in to tell Lynette that there are clients there who just love Lynette’s new headlamps so they should all go out to dinner. That way the clients can stare at her wind-jammers all night, causing them to get the account. Lynette’s offended, but here’s a thought, L-Dawg: Wear, I don’t know, a sweater perhaps, or maybe a shirt that DOESN’T SHOW YOUR HUGE JEMIMAS! Knockers. Bronskis. Hush puppies. She agrees, because, as Carlos suggests, why else would you get a boob job if you didn’t want people staring at your mulligans all the time? And she doesn’t want to tell him she’s pregnant.

Gabby runs breathlessly into John’s restaurant and tells him that Ana is in love with him and bought a pallet of condoms at Sam’s Club. Or Costco, whatever they have in Fairview. Probably Costco. I don’t why that’s my instinct, but it is. John’s like, I was just flirting with her a little, and Gabby’s like, she’s 17. John says he was flirting with Ana to see if Gabby still cared, and he says it’s obvious she does. Ugh, John turned out to be kind of creepy, am I right folks? Am I right? John says he can offer Gabby more than sex — he’s successful and can offer her champagne and caviar and the clap. And just as John goes in for the passionate kiss, who should show up? That’s right. Ana. She then runs out.

I love you. Now will you help me take an inch off these brows? I feel like a Muppet.

Gabby hurries home to find a pissed Ana, and when Gabby’s like, What you saw wasn’t what you think. Ana’s like, Oh did you slip and your tongue accidentally fell into his mouth? Oh, ha! That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that one! Lame. Gabby says that John kissed her, but Ana says that they’ll see who Uncle Carlos believes. Then Gabby’s like, Okay here’s the deal. “10 years ago–” which sounds weird — “I had an affair with John. Carlos knows, a lot of people got hurt, but we survived it.” She goes on to say that she doesn’t have feelings for John anymore, but he does for her. Then Ana breaks out that lame scrapbook from last week and pulls out the picture of Gabby and John that she was staring at. Gabby explains that sometimes when she has a rough day she’ll look at it and think about what might have been, and then she loves Carlos blah don’t tell him. When Carlos comes back and asks what’s up, Ana tells him that she was just telling Gabby that she wants to quit her job.

At the Bolen’s, Angie bought a new shirt for Green Day and a new shirt for herself, and when she goes to put it on, we see her burn marks/scars again. Green Day asks if she’s ever going to take care of that scar, but she says they have to be careful with money, and Green Day’s like Dad just bought some new golf clubs. Angie says, Hey, “after the explosion,” your dad hung in there and took care of me. Hmmmm. So. Who’s going to be surprised if it turns out the Bolens have mafia connections, huh? None of us, that’s who.

I assumed that we’d be treated to Carlos and Lynette’s dinner after the break, and sure enough, that’s where we are. Lynette bought a great dress but doesn’t want to take off her jacket. Carlos tells her to. So she does. And some guy stares at her bulbs. Dingers. Sweet rolls.

Jublees, if you will.

It’s time for the Bolen partay! Kids are spread out throughout the house drinking beer out of plastic red cups. Nick is talking to some chicks, and Green Day pulls him aside to tell him to stop talking to 20 year-old girls because it’s creepy. I would add that he looks weird with that shirt unbuttoned and chest hair sticking out of his undershirt. And then Green Day’s like, “I know.” And Nick’s like, “You know what, son?” And then Green Day stares at him, and then Nick gets a weird look on his face. Acting! They’re both pretty unconvincing — I don’t really believe that Green Day’s look conveys knowledge of something sinister, and I don’t believe that Nick’s reaction is, well, believable. Luckily, Andrea De Matteo comes over to break up the scene as if to say, THIS is how you act, chumps. I mean, yeah, she gets stereotyped and has basically only played one role throughout her entire career, but still — she’s good at it.

Um, I guess Lynette’s dinner went well? Because now she’s home and Tom’s on the couch, wearing the only shirt he has, apparently. You know, the gray Fruit of the Loom t-shirt he always wears. Lynette says that her big hindenburgs not only got them the client, but also got her, I don’t know, free bread or something at the restaurant. Lynette asks what the mystery about doozies really is, and Tom admits he likes big boobs, and Lynette’s like, then why did you marry me, is it a compromise? Yeah, Tom says. And I swear to god I’ve heard them have this exact same conversation before. Not just the gist of it, either — one specifically about Lynette’s butterballs. Anyone else get that feeling? Lynette gets insulted (shocking) and Tom’s like, I need you to not be perfect because I’m not perfect — I’m not rich, and I’m kind of a slob, and I can’t really do a drunk scene really well as evidenced by last week’s episode. Lynette’s satisfied. For now. Give her 30 seconds and I’m sure she’ll find something about Tom to bitch about.

That shirt, for example.

Gabby tried waiting up for Carlos, but she got exhausted from all the kids and errands and that bottle of chardonnay she drinks alone in her closet every night to ease the pain, so she went to bed. Carlos shows up for bed, but doesn’t take his shirt off. That’s disappointing. Gabby’s like, My life is funny now. Not “ha-ha” funny, you guys, more like devastatingly dull and monotonous. Wait, that IS ha-ha funny! That’s what you get for having kids, chump! Anyway, she pulls a Mary Alice and voice-overs about doing laundry and crap as we see John discover an envelope that’s been left at the hostess podium. He opens it and furrows his brow. Acting! What’s in the envelope? The photo booth picture of Gabby and John, and it’s torn in half. Harsh, Gabby! Then we’re back to Gabby and she tells Carlos that she’s actually happy in her life. Yeah, Gabby, THIS week. We’ll see what you’re like in 7 days, chica.

A super skinny Bree is arranging centerpieces at, I don’t know, a wedding or reception. One thing it’s not is a bar mitzvah, because you know Bree ain’t down with the Jew thing. Katherine comes in all weepy and asks to come back because she can’t stand to lose a friend and a job and all. She tells Bree that she’s better, but all that goes away when Katherine spies the wedding cake, which turns out to be the wedding cake she designed for her own wedding cake. For her wedding. To Mike. Which fell through. Cuz he married Susan. Are we surprised this is how the cake thing ended up? No. We are not. Bree’s like, “Aren’t you glad we found a good use for it?” Katherine’s like, “If I can’t have it, nobody can!” And then she lunges for the cake. Kathy, sweetie, look, if you want the cake to be ruined, just invite Susan to the wedding and she’ll clumsily fall on it or accidentally pee on it or something. Bree lunges for Katherine as Katherine lunges for the cake as Hypnotoad lunges for his remote control. Bree knocks Katherine down and is all, “Help! Stop that woman!” and starts wheeling the cake down the reception area and past the ceremony, where a.) everyone can see it, and b.) there are black people! Wow! Just as the couple is about to have their first kiss, we hear “Katherine! No!” and a big crash. Wheeeee.

This scene was missing Benny Hill music. Booooo!

Back the hospital, Susan asks Julie if she remembers anything about the strangler. Susan suggests that Julie tell people about the guy she’s seeing so the police don’t think he’s a suspect and can “cross him off their list.” Um, pardon me, but if no one knows who the guy is because Julie hasn’t told anyone, then how is he on some damn list of suspects? Huh, Susan? Huh, Cherry?! HUH?!?!? Sorry. Julie says he didn’t do it, and that they’ve broken up, and it would devastate his family if they found out. Susan says that she deserves to know everything and begs Julie not to shut her out. Julie says she was lonely and he was nice and it just happened. Susan’s like, This doesn’t sound like something you would do. And then Julie has a monologue about not being that perfect daughter anymore and she makes mistakes. Susan’s like, “I never expected you to be perfect, but I didn’t raise you to do something this stupid. You know what an affair like this can do. You saw it first hand.” Oh, dip, Susan!

In the morning, Bree arrives outside the KOT (Kitchen of Tomorrow) to find Katherine up and rearin’ to work on the Berman bar mitvah. What did Bree tell you about the Jews, Katherine?! Bree’s like, So yesterday you almost ruined our reputation and today you’re peachy keen? No. “You’re fired.” Oh my! Katherine’s like, I need to work, and Bree’s like, No you need help, I’m telling you as a friend. And then Katherine goes all Regan MacNeil on Bree’s ass and is like, “YOU! ARE NOT MY FRIEND!” Um, Kathy, honey? You may want to call Father Karras and have him bring over some holy water and a bible cuz you’re like one bowl of pea soup away from levitating over your bed and having the words “help me” carved into your skin.

Bree again reiterates that she’s doing this as a friend and that Katherine’s only job is to get better. Bree asks for Katherine’s keys to the KOT, and as Katherine walks them over to Bree, the bitch totally keys Bree’s car! WTF?! Mary Alice says Katherine is having a nervous breakdown. Oh, okay, thanks for the heads up, Mary Alice. You still dead? Yeah? Then shut the hell up.

Totally got scenes today. Score!

She also blahs about Gabby and Julie and Susan and secrets (blah) and then we see someone’s feet walking into Julie’s room, and I’ve put two and two together and totally know who it is. Who is it? It’s Nick Bolen. Julie’s sleeping and he’s like, “Hey Julie. It’s Dominick. I missed you.” Now, I was not surprised — but were you? Nah. Didn’t think so. And you know what? Even though I knew who it was, I still think this is an interesting curve ball. I mean, now we know why Green Day and Julie were fighting . . . But I swear to you, Cherry: If you do NOT reign Katherine in and make her sane again (being a snarky, witty bitch is one thing, but this, Cherry? THIS?!) then I will hunt you down at the next Log Cabin Republicans meeting and beat the crap out of you.

I leave you with two things: 1.) I thought Dylan was coming back this week, but I guess not, and 2.) Cha-chas. Cupcakes. Orbs. Hand warmers. Pointer sisters.

Next Week (allegedly): Gabby tries to be a good parent; Bree keeps cheating with Karl; Lynette gets offended; Susan and Katherine duke it out.