Desperate Housewives: Bashin’ Show

This week on Desperate Housewives: Bree gets all jealous with Karl; John the Gardener returns; Lynette and Tom try to hide her pregnancy from Lynette’s bosses; and Susan goes absolutely ape-poopy on Angie and Green Day. And Katherine has one scene and no lines.

This lame extra had a bigger role than Katherine’s this week.

Previously on Desperate Housewives: I wrote a recap about it, so you should read it. Because it’s fun!

Mary Alice blahs about certain ladies in the suburbs, basically saying that all women in the burbs dress like crap when they run errands because they have no real jobs and nothing better to do than pop out some kids and make dinner. Which is bullshit. I mean, just look at . . . Lynette . . . Huh.

Gabby’s at dinner, looking all frumpy, which on this show means Eva Longoria Parker is wearing a t-shirt and a scrunchie. Oooh, she’s so fugly now! Whatever. Also, the restaurant they’re at isn’t exactly Old Country Buffet, it looks kind of upscale, so I don’t know why Gabby wouldn’t at least try to throw on a nice shirt. Juannie Sue throws some food at Gabby, making Gabby seem 1/16th more frumpy. Ana’s listening to her ipod. Rude. All of a sudden, who should walk up but John the Gardener, the kid Gabby slept with in season 1 and season 2 or something, who then got married last season. Or something. He’s not a kid now, though, cuz he got divorced and now owns the restaurant. Ugh, it’s hard just to look at Carlos with that haircut. Credits.

You guys need any eyebrow wax? Cuz I’ve got a ton and I just can’t get through it all no matter how hard I try.

Mary Alice blahs about how the day starts with coffee, and y’all, Katherine desperately needs some, because she looks like crap. Ha! Dana Delany funny.

You have no lines today. Go back to bed.

Lynette, Susan, and Gabby hang out outside and talk about the new neighbors over coffee. Bree would join them, but I guess she’s too busy giving hot Karl a hot Richard over at the Sleep Eazy Motel. The Bolens pull up in their driveway, and it looks like Hot Gay Bob is their lawyer. Oh, Bob. Just take your shirt off already. Seriously, I would not give a crap about how bad the plot lines or scripts are if every guy just walked around without a shirt.

Susan’s totally fine with the fact that Bob is the Bolen’s lawyer. Except not at all. So in typical Susan fashion she whine-yells (whells?) at Bob and then when Angie’s all, Let’s talk about this, Susan decides to cause a scene. What is up with the people on Wisteria Lane? It’s like they can smell drama four houses down, because for some reason like 15 people are outside now. I bet they don’t even set their alarms — they just listen for the shrill, annoying sound of Susan Mayer whining at 7 in the morning and say to themselves,”Oh, it’s Susan Mayer bitching about something. Time to wake up. Listen, I’m going to snooze for a little bit. Wake me when you hear Lynette Scavo yelling at her poor husband again, because that means I have half an hour before work.” Susan’s all, “Her son tried to kill my daughter and that means no one on this street is safe!” at the top of her lungs. Everyone’s like, “Meh. What are you gonna do? At least they’re white.”

Over at the motel (told you), Karl brings over a breakfast burrito for Bree, who’d rather have a “croissant.” And of course she pronounces it in that hi-falutin’ Frenchy way. Bree has an event today so the two of them can’t hang tonight, but Karl wants them to blow off their engagements so he can take her to Vegas. And Bree’s like, “LAS Vegas?” No, sweetie, Canada Vegas. Dumbass. I swear that Karl says, “I can lose my ‘shit’ in the casino and then I can come up to the room and you can lose yours,” but the third time I listened to it, I can tell he says “shirt.” Which is disappointing. People should be allowed to say “shit” on non-SNL TV, if you ask me. But you didn’t, so back to the recap. Bree says Boreson would notice if she’s gone for a weekend. She doesn’t see her and Karl having a romantic weekend together as something that should happen and wants to keep things uncomplicated.

I don’t have the energy to deep clean another hotel room, k?

Over at the Scavo house, Lynette stops berating Tom long enough to tell their three kids (one of the Damons is over in Europe) that she’s pregnant. With twins. They all stare at their parents, thinking things like, “Um, what are we, Catholic? What happened to the pill?” And, “Damn, guys, ever hear of a little something called a sponge? Or even a condom for god’s sakes?!” And then poor little Penny is probably thinking, “Great. I’m on this show, what, 5 minutes every four episodes? And now you’re having MORE kids who will probably hog the tiny bit of my screen time?! You are ASS PARENTS! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, fuck you, I’m out.”

Parker is like, You’re the world’s oldest mom. And Porter is like, You guys ever think of birth control? He goes on say that they’re irresponsible, and then tells his dad that his chances of graduating from college are like zero now, and then tells his mom that she’ll have to quit her new job to take care of the new babies. “So I hope you’re happy — You both destroyed your futures for a few minutes of pleasure.” Dayummmm! You got SERVED, Scavos! Awesome. Love. It. Parker: “Not to mention, it’s so gross you’re still doing it.” Ha! Penny’s like, “If they’re boys, I’m outta here.” Not quite as funny, but at least she got a line this time.

Subtle. There’s a reason this kid’s not allowed to speak.

Bob tells the Bolens that Danny is still a suspect, so he needs to check on their background. They’re all like, Shouldn’t you just back up his alibi and talk to the people at the liquor store? Bob’s like, Yeah, but the cops are going to talk to the people you knew back in New York. Wait, the Fairview cops are going to do this? Please. The only type of justice in Fairview is vigilante justice. The cops are just there to eat doughnuts and put the police tape around the place where someone from Wisteria Lane shot someone else from Wisteria Lane.

Bob’s like, Um I still need to talk to people and get character references, but the Bolens are like, Oh, come on, no ya don’t you silly-billy! Bob asks what’s going on and asks why they’re being weird, and then out of the blue Green Day Bolen is all, “You wanna know why? Because this family has secrets!” Teenagers — Draaaammaa! He blathers some more about secrets, and Mary Alice is like, Stop stealing my bit, d-bag!

Back at Mike’s, Susan is in the driveway, telling some random neighbors about the Bolens, while doing some curls with 5 lb. weights. Uh, wha? She’s like, “I don’t want people on this street thinking they’re safe when they’re not.” Right, because THIS year Wisteria Lane isn’t safe. Totally unlike the last 6 years, when everything was peachy keen. Mike’s in the garage and calls Susan over to call her out on her shit. Teri Hatcher is looking really good, you guys. Is her hair longer or something? Or maybe it’s the weights. Whatever it is, it’s working, cuz The Hatch looks pretty today. Mike’s like, I don’t know why they lied about the alibi, but we can’t go around telling people he’s psycho without proof. Susan suggests they get some proof. I suggest you get some 40-proof because we’re not even halfway through this week’s episode.

I tried to put him on the Megan’s Law site and it wouldn’t let me! DO SOMETHING MIIIIIIKE!!!

Over at Carlos’s office, he’s about to bite into a 6-inch sub (I don’t think it’s Subway because the lettuce is green, not brown) when who should show up but John the Gardener. Does he have a soul patch? Yes. Yes he does. John says that Ana showed up at his restaurant asking for a hostess job, but he wanted to ask Carlos first, “given [their] history.” Carlos is like, Oh you mean when you “banged my wife?” Oh, dip. He then says that he wants to punch John every time he sees his face, but he’d be happy to validate his parking. John’s like, Gabby probably wouldn’t like it anyway, “given our history.” Carlos takes this as an opportunity to test Gabby’s jealousy level. What doesn’t Carlos take as an opportunity to test Gabby’s jealousy level? Honestly.

So, when he goes home and tells Gabby that Ana will be working at John’s House of Soul Patch, she flips out and Carlos calls her on it. He does this really funny bit where he imitates her reaction to seeing John at the restaurant. Who ever’s in charge of giving Ricardo Antonio Chavira comedic bits needs to keep it up, cuz it’s hiLARious. Also, have him walk around without a shirt. Constantly. Then Carlos and Gabby argue about John and jealousy for at least the 400th time.

Over at the Fairview Country Club Harvest Dance (seriously?) Bree and Boreson are trying to pretend that they’re a happy couple when all of a sudden Bree sees Karl and tells Boreson to go get her a crab puff. I’m sorry, but it didn’t even cross Karl’s mind that Bree would be at the Country Club? Turns out Karl is a member, but Bree thinks Karl is stalking her. That is, until some 19 year-old skank comes up to Karl, all, “Hey hon, did you find our table?” Turns out the girl is Candace, who apologizes for Karl’s crankiness — he’s just so excited to “get to the motor lodge.” Wow. That’s not really the kind of thing one says out loud at the Fairview Country Club. One should say something like, “Why is it so hard to find a good, white maid these days? Is that too much to ask?” But the real awkwardness comes when it turns out Boreson and Candace know each other: Boreson used to be her dentist. He invites Karl and Candace over to their table. Oh, the comedy is practically Shakespearean! Bree tells them it’s a good idea, because she wants to, I don’t know, gauge Karl and Candace’s relationship while berating the both of them (mostly Candace probably). Hey! You leave the berating to Lynette, Bree Hodge! Boreson says he pities the girl who ends up with a “dog like Karl.” Oh, ouch, ouchies, Boreson.

Why are we so depressed?

Cuz we’re housewives!

My husband is cheating.

Whose isn’t? Let’s clean a toilet!

It’s night, and Lynette walks by Susan’s driveway, where Susan is doing “surveillance” on the Bolens in her car. So Lynette joins her, since she’s jonesing for a weekly crazy shenanigan. Oh, those wacky housewives! Just as Lynette is telling Susan not to tell Gabby that she’s pregnant so Carlos doesn’t find out yet (he’s her boss, remember?), Green Day walks out of his house. Lynette’s like, I think you’re looking out for Julie or whatever, but remember last year when everyone thought Porter was the one who set the nightclub on fire?(Literally — people didn’t think he figuratively set it on fire with his spicy latin rhythm or anything.) And he was innocent? Susan is all, “I’m not wrong.” Wow, Susan doesn’t think she’s wrong? Alert the media. Lynette nods her head and is like, “Okay,” adding “. . . you crazy bitch” inside her head, no doubt. When Green Day gets in his car and pulls out, Susan gets ready to follow him. Lynette wisely gets out of the car quickly.

This is how me and Mike met.

Bree asks Candace what she does for a living and it turns out Candace is a dancer. We’re all thinking exotic dancer, but Bree’s the only one who verbally suggests it to Candace’s face, since Bree’s a frosty mug of ice-bitch. Boreson asks Bree to dance, but Bree tells him he should dance with Candace, which gives her a chance to snipe at Karl and deny her oh-so-obvious jealousy. Karl refuses to give in, though, throwing the fact that Bree wanted things to be uncomplicated back in her face, and basically telling her that he can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants. Looks like Boreson and Candace are having a splendid time dancing. Bree distracts the busboy long enough to steal some olive oil. Something tells me she’s not going to use it to make bruschetta. And I’m right, since she throws some out on the dance floor, causing Boreson and Candace to slip and fall, which in turn causes Candace’s nose to break, thereby canceling the bone-a-thon she had planned with Karl.

At the office, Carlos enters Lynette’s office with some news: He wants Lynette to be his new Senior V.P. With a new company car and an expense account. I bet that schmamphlet from Schmanned Schmarenthood is looking pretty good now, eh Schmynnete? Sorry, I’ll stop. Also, a 50% salary increase. That’s awesome. I mean, I’m sure they had to eliminate an entire division and close the Little Rock office in order to do that, but hey — 150 employees’ loss is Lynette’s gain, I guess. Lynette’s like, “Weren’t you going to offer this to Judy?” Yeah. He was, but it turns out, confidentially speaking, that Judy is pregnant. Carlos overheard her on the phone talking about it. Lynette says it’s a tad illegal, isn’t it? Carlos is like, Yeah if she’s hears about it, and I know you ain’t telling her, right Little Miss New Senior V.P.?

Are your boobs getting bigger?

Bree is in her office, actually working (I know, right?!) when Boreson comes in and says that he knows Bree spilled the oil on the floor . . . because she was jealous that Candace was dancing with Boreson. Oy. He goes on to say that a woman doesn’t pull a stunt like that “over a man she’s not in love with.” Ooooh, shit, this confuses Bree, who finally ends up calling Karl and says she’s ready for that weekend in Las Vegas. Oh, joy, a weekend with Bree in Vegas. Who doesn’t want to spend 2 days with someone who does nothing but complain about how tacky and underlit the casino is and how the crab at the buffet is undercooked? Viva las letdown!

At the Bolen household, Eddie, a friend of Danny’s from school, arrives to ask Danny to look at the brakes on his car. He doesn’t want to, but Angie wants him to get out of the house, so he goes over to help Eddie. Angie complains to her husband, who bought his shirt from the House of Seinfeld’s Kramer, about how everybody hates them. Well, I’m sorry, but that’s what happens when you move to Wisteria Lane with just a one-season contract. Nick says that “I’m starting to think it’s time to get out of the Bolen business.” Angie says, “We cannot change our names and run every time there’s a little trouble. . . . Until I say otherwise, we are Nick and Angie Bolen.” Hmmmm.

Dang. Did you take those shoes off the Bada Bing set of the Sopranos?

Susan watches from across the street as Green Day works on Eddie’s car, and she is fed up, y’all. Fed up! While Eddie goes inside to look for a tool or something, Susan walks up to Green Day. He says he’s sorry about Julie and that he didn’t hurt her, and Susan says that McCluskey saw the two of them fighting. She asks what they were fighting about, but Green Day says that Bob said he shouldn’t talk about anything to anyone.

Susan says she knows that Julie thought she was pregnant (ugh, shut your mouth, Susan!), and Green Day is like, “What? I didn’t know that.” Susan calls him a liar, and when he goes back under the car, she uses the jack or compressor or whatever that thing is that has wheels on it and people lay on it to slide underneath cars (look, all I know how to do is change a spare and add oil and/or anti-freeze, okay?) to lower the car so it comes smooshing down on Green Day. She’s like, “Admit it! Admit it!!” Okay, I’ll admit it — you are a crazy psycho hose beast, Susan. Green Day yells for his mom, who runs out with a baseball bat and smashes Eddie’s car a little bit to prove that she could beat the shit out of Susan if she wanted to. And you know what? I really wouldn’t mind seeing that. Susan’s like, You can’t always protect him and everyone knows that he’s dangerous! And Angie’s like, I will kill you if you come near my son again, you crazy bitch! I’m kind of on Angie’s side right now.

Hit her!

Carlos, Tom, and Lynette go out to John’s restaurant to celebrate Lynette’s promotion. Tom’s like, We can’t do this, and of course Lynette convinces him that they can. Gee, I sure hope that they don’t try to celebrate with, I don’t know, some sort of alcoholic beverage. Sure enough, one of the higher-ups has brought wine from his own vineyard. Oh, dear. Lynette says that she doesn’t want any, but Carlos is like, Have some wine from our boss’s vineyard, you weirdo. So he pours her a glass, and Tom hides his glass behind a menu, asks Mr. Wine Boss for suggestions, and when he’s not looking, pours Lynette’s wine into his own glass. Lynette looks like she’s never been more proud of Tom. Or maybe it’s the first time she’s ever been proud of him. Yeah, that’s probably the case.

But of course, Mr. Wine Boss pours her another glass. I sure hope Tom doesn’t end up drunk, because that would just be a completely original and unexpected way to end this little scene! Tom causes another distraction by saying, “Oh look! One of the Pointer Sisters!” Shocked that there would actually be a black person in Fairview, everyone looks away, and Tom drinks Lynette’s second glass.

I do this after dinner parties. What’s the big deal?

Gabby walks into the restaurant dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and with no make-up on. Carlos is like, why did you show up looking like shit? Gabby’s all, if I showed up dressed to the nines, then you’d think I got all dressed up for John. Then she’s like, I stood by you when you were blind and then when we had kids and if you think I’m not loyal or whatever then you need to drink a tall glass of wake the hell up, cuz you don’t need to test me anymore, jerk. Carlos apologizes and Gabby says she’ll change her clothes and stuff.

Back at the “Bolen” house, Angie answers the phone and yells “I’ll bash your brains in if you come near my family!” Geez, Angie, that’s really no way to talk to your mom. Green Day asks her what would happen if someone wasn’t just giving empty threats. So she tells him where the gun is. Smart. She says, “You know I’ve always felt bad about the way we’ve had to raise you, being on the run and all. If it weren’t for me, you could have had a normal childhood.” Interesting.

And we’re back at the restaurant, Tom is drunk and talking about dogs and then compliments Gabby on how great her boobs look in that dress. Mr. Wine Boss offers to top Lynette off, but Tom stops him. It sounds funny, but due to either the writing or Doug Savant’s performance, it’s actually not very funny at all.

Both.

Susan’s also drinking wine, by herself at home. Mike comes in and says that he just talked to Bob and that the police have evidence that clears Green Day: They have a shot from a surveillance photo from the liquor store that shows Green Day there at the time of the attack. Huh. Now this is all kinds of effed up, since didn’t Ana say they were at a liquor store then admit to Gabby that she made it all up? Yeah, I think Ana may be in my top 5 now.

Susan’s like, how could they know the time? Mike says there’s a time-stamp. And the camera caught Green Day in his car, drinking beer, in the parking lot, for over an hour. Damn, how dumb are you to underage drink in your car in a liquor store parking lot?! What an idiot. An American Idiot, actually. Susan’s like, oooooooohhhhhhh shit. She feels guilty, and Mike’s like, “Your daughter was hurt and you needed someone to blame, people get that.” Sorry, Mike, but, just no. Susan was a crazy bitch. THAT’S what people get. She apologizes to Mike for being obsessed over the thing with Julie, and he accepts her apology and then they hug.

You gonna apologize to the neighbors? No? OK then lets bang.

Over at the Solis house, Carlos heads up to bed and Gabby says she’ll be there in moment. She pulls out her model portfolio, and behind her cover of “Commotion” magazine, she pulls out a hidden photo of herself and John. One of those photo booth things.

Mary Alice is back to blah about coffee and what people think about when they drink it. Angie’s thinking about how people are a-holes because her lawn is full of trash and someone’s spray-painted the word “leave” in black paint on her house. Susan’s thinking about forgiveness and guilt because she goes over to Angie’s with some trash bags and starts helping her pick up. Awwww!

Next week: John’s still around, Katherine has another breakdown, Tom and Lynette argue about stupid crap, and Dylan returns! I don’t know why, but she does!