Desperate Housewives: Jamaican Me Crazy!

This week on Desperate Housewives: Gabby wants Juanita to have the best party ever! Lynette gets served by an 80 year-old. Bree gets served by a Jamaican motel maid. Angie and Nick try to hide things. Again. And Susan begins to see how effing crazy Katherine is. And I choose the most expected, lamest pun as the title this week.

Jeeze, Terri Hatcher. Put on some makeup.

Mary Alice blahs about judgement as Gabby judges people who walk by, and then she judges the gay guys who are fighting on their lawn about, I don’t know, who looks better in a Bob Mackie: Cher or Barbra. Because that’s really all gay men care about.

I think it’s morning, because it looks like it and Gabby just got her mail, but she goes inside and pours herself a glass of red wine. But hey, I’M not going to judge, unlike you Mary Alice, you harpy. She hears a thud, which can only mean one thing: Juanita. Turns out Juannie Sue and her little friend were sliding down the stairs in a suitcase. Fun! No, seriously, that sounds like fun! We used to do that with cardboard boxes. Oh my god, when my parents got a new washer and dryer and then a refrigerator?! Those were like the best weeks of my life.

The other girl, Susie Buzzkill, seems a bit hurt, and Gabby’s like What did I tell you about doing that? Juannie Sue: “Um, not to use the good suitcase?” Ha! Then Mrs. Buzzkill comes in and yells at Gabby for not watching the kids, and Gabby’s like, “I gotta say — Laura? You’re kind of a wet blanket since you quit smoking. You might want to try a pipe.” Ha! I think it’s time Eva Longoria Parker was nominated for an Emmy, y’all, because that chica is H-I-LARious! Oooh, dip, Mrs. Buzzkill calls Gabby a bad mother, and Gabby retaliates by saying that it was a pity play date. As Juanita would say, Oooohhh snap! And now the little ex-friend isn’t coming to Juanita’s birthday party. Credits.

I KNOW YOU USED TO BE FIVE POUNDS OVERWEIGHT

So, MIke and Susan pull up in their driveway with Julie, who is back from the hospital, and everyone on Wisteria Lane is there. It’s like the end of freaking Pollyanna when everyone from the entire town shows up and gives Hayley Mills pieces of glass to see rainbows on the wall, and she’s like, “Oh, thanks. This’ll help me walk again, for sure. Stupid bastards. Push the radio in here, I wanna hear my stories.”

Anyway, Li’l M.J. holds a welcome home sign, but what I’m really interested in is Bob’s arms as he squats next to him. Damn, Tuc Watkins is so fine. Yum. Other people brought brownies and flowers, and the whole thing is in slow-mo and seems weird like the end of Carrie, and of course Nick Bolen is there with his short sleeve flannel shirt and wife beater. Way to dress up, a-hole. Inside the house he’s all, I was worried about you, but Julie’s like, It’s over, I mean it. Green Day sees this and leaves. Bree tells the girls — I guess Angie is part of the group now — that she let Katherine go and lets it slip that Katherine hit on MIke, which nobody knew about, and then Susan confronts Mike about it, and he says it’s no big deal and he loves her. Whew. I’m glad that’s the end of that and that we’ll never hear about this plot line again. Except, you know, in every episode of this season.

Bree is dressed like the President of Clown Bank right now.

And now Nick goes outside to talk to Green Day about what he saw, and does anyone else think Nick is pretty much Mark from Roseanne 15 years later? Cuz I do. Green Day — who has chest hair, I’m noticing — says that he feels like an idiot for fighting with Julie because he was interested and says that he’ll tell Angie if he sees Julie and Nick together again. But then Nick’s like, Suck on this — Let’s go tell your mom now, huh? Huh?! He’s all, You think your mother’s the good one in this marriage? Do ya? Huh? Then Angie interrupts because they’re getting ready to cut Julie’s “Congrats on Waking Up From Your Coma!” cake, which I hope has a icing picture of a cute little penguin lying on a hospital bed with a nightcap on his head.

Over at Lynette’s, the big yellow sign on the fridge lets us now that there is a NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH MEETING COMING SOON. I don’t want to judge like Mary Alice, but it seems to me that the Wisteria Lane Neighborhood Watch committee is, I don’t know, slacking. Just a teeny bit. Because, let’s see, there was a pedophile, a lady running a prostitution racket from her house, TWO hit and runs, TWO people in comas, a (infuriatingly annoying) kleptomaniac last year, numerous people getting shot, and a strangling. And more stuff. But, they did end up running the only black people on the street out of town, so hey — that’s all that really matters, right?

McCluskey comes in and asks for some dating advice with Roy. Seems he lives on a fixed income and has trouble spending money on McC but then sulks when she spends money on their dates. Could Lynette hire him as a handy man a couple times a week? McC is like, When Roy’s spirits are down, so is everything else, get the picture? Lynette: “Getting the picture isn’t the problem, it’s getting rid of it.” Ha! I have LOL’d twice this episode. Twice! Basically, Lynette caves.

LIsten, bitch. This desert needs some rain.

Now let’s see if Bree can make me laugh. I am doubtful. But let’s wait and see, shall we? She and Karl are in the motel, getting ready to leave, and are giving each other goodbye frenchies when the maid comes in. Oopsies. Karl’s like, The tip’s on the dresser. Wha? People tip hotel maids? I have never done that, nor have I ever seen anyone do that before. Is this kosher? Weird. Anyway, Bree comes back in and says she’s missing an earring. And her dignity. The Jamaican maid helps her look for the earring, but Orson calls her on her cell, and Bree’s like, Oh I’m at the store getting groceries, which the maid doesn’t appreciate, and when she finds the earring, she’s like, I betcha be wantin’ to go back to ya husband, in her Jamaican accent. Bree is mortified, but mostly I think she’s scared because a black person spoke to her. Which hasn’t happened in 14 years. Scary!

A black person on DH! And she’s playing a saucy maid! Wow, you must be really proud of yourself right now, Cherry.

At the Solis house, Carlos has his shirt on, but at least his hair is growing back in. Gabby tells him that yet another little girl’s mother has called to cancel their R.S.V.P. to Juanita’s b-day party. Gabby’s tells Carlos to fork over some more cash to make the party muy spectacular. Carlos tells Gabby that it would be easier if she just watches the kids while they play. Gabby: “Did you just say that to my face?” Ha!

Aw, dammit, Boreson is actually in this episode. He made lobster or something for dinner and they complain about service people and Bree says that she had a run in with a “waitress” at a “cafe.” A sex cafe, right? Am I right people? That’s pretty much it. I mean, how interesting can a scene with Orson be?

Roy has fixed the Scavo’s drawer and Lynette asks him to make some flower boxes for all the windows in the house, but Tom’s practical and says that the kids would never water them. Lynette insists, which is so unlike her, and tells Roy to get started on them. Roy goes up to Tom and asks if it’s okay with him, which it is, and after Roy leaves, Lynette tells Tom she thinks Roy is being sexist or something. Dude, he’s like 80, let it go.

I’m going to get revenge on that sweet old person if it’s the last thing I do!

Gabby’s at the park, where there are foamy swings and soft plastic slides. Totally unlike my childhood where swings where made of tire rubber and rusty chains, and you were lucky if the rusty bolts poking out of the metal slides didn’t cut you on the ass on the way down. It was a simpler time, when there was concrete instead of wood chips, and parents really didn’t give a shit if some kid fell off the bumpy slide and cracked his head open, because that’s what kids do.

At a picnic table, some ladies spread out food and paper plates, and I swear to god that if that’s ever my life I will shoot myself faster than you can say “Mary Alice Young.” Gabby loudly proclaims that it’s too bad that the kids can’t come to the party cuz there will be “face-painting, and cotton candy machines, and a clown!” and then that girl who hurt her arm is like, “A clown?!?!” Gabby then yells that the party will have “the biggest bouncy house you’ve ever seen!” Dude, I’m sold. Gabby’s like, “Come on, Juanita, we need to buy bananas cuz we’ll need something to feed the monkey!” And the little girls go absolutely ape-shit over this. Personally, I’d be hesitant to have something that constantly masturbates and throws his own feces at a kid’s birthday party, but I’m sure Carrot Top could use the money.

As the early 90s rap group N2Deep would say, back to the hotel. Bree interrupts the maid’s work and says she needs to talk, and the lady’s like, “I don’t have any weed,” and that all the rich ladies think “anyone who talks like this would have some ganja.” Bree lectures the woman about her “disdain.” And so begins an asinine conversation in which Bree is all, You don’t know me, my husband is an ex-con who won’t give me a divorce and keeps me like a prisoner! And the maid is all, I heard you on the phone and he bought groceries for you and I want a man who is nice to me like that and you’re just making excuses so you won’t feel guilty! And then the maid is all, We’re done here, and then Bree leaves, remembering why she didn’t talk to black people in the first place. They’re just so sassy!

Lynette asks Roy to hang a birdhouse on a tree, but Roy says that Tom wanted it on another tree. Lynette thinks the conversation is over, but Roy gets on his cell phone and calls Tom, and when Lynette confronts him, he says that he thinks the husband should be treated with respect and that just because Lynette “crushes his walnuts, doesn’t mean I do.” Dayum, Lynette got served by Roy! Sweet. Lynette then goes on an estrogen rampage, tells Roy he’s fired, and smashes the birdhouse on the sidewalk. I think the birdhouse represents Tom’s hopes and dreams in this scene, and Lynette represents an emasculating shrew.

But I could be reading it wrong or something.

Julie stares at the blue recycling tubs where she was strangled, reminiscing on how she used to enjoy recycling so much before the accident, before collecting aluminum cans and bringing her own shopping bags to the Piggly Wiggly would forever remind her of gloved hands closing around her throat trying to end her short yet precocious life. Green Day comes up to talk to her, and she says that she knows it wasn’t him who strangled her, and asks her if she thinks the guy she was seeing was the one who did it, but she doesn’t think that either. Then when she says she has trouble sleeping, he says he has something that will help. I totally thought he was going to unzip his pants and say, “And it’s in here,” but he goes home to get the gun Angie talked about a couple episodes ago. Oh, great idea, dumbass! Although, it can’t hurt to have a second set of prints on a gun. So I hear . . .

It’s time for the neighborhood watch meeting. Finally! The suspense was killing me. Well, more like poking me annoyingly in the arm. Mike gives a little speech at the beginning and Katherine’s in the front row acting all flirty, so when it’s Susan’s turn to talk about patrolling, she gives Mike big frenchies in front of everyone. Angie’s like, “What is she patrolling for, his tonsils?” Ugh, leave the comedy to the regulars, newbie.

I rest my case.

Susan says she needs people for 9-midnight on Thursdays and when Lee volunteers, Bob whispers, “Project Runway,” and Lee puts his hand down. Hee. Stereotypical, but hee. Katherine raises her hand, along with people we’ve never seen before. Susan chooses the nobodies over Katherine. Wow, way to stick it to Katherine, Susan. Denying her the chance to walk around the street for 3 hours? Diabolical.

Mike tells Susan that he has to go do some plumbing stuff, and she gives him mucho smoochies again, causing Katherine to seethe like she’s never seethed before. At least in this episode. After Mike leaves, Katherine walks up to Susan, like, Um my hand was in the air, bitch. And Susan’s all, Um you’re a lying slut. Oh, hey, those people from the extremely lame “Other Housewives” web series are in the background, probably trying to sell Blackberries to their neighbors. “Look, it took pictures of my husband cheating on me with my best friend! I mean, I’m emotionally devastated, but look how clear it is!”

Susan confronts Katherine about telling everybody about Mike flirting with her, and Katherine’s like, “Do you really want to air your dirty laundry in front of everyone?” Dirty laundry, Katherine? That is like, SOOO season 3 DVD set. Susan’s like, my laundry is clean and folded and at home. Yeah, um, we get it. Laundry=Mike. Now how about you=interesting, mmkay Susan? Cuz it’s been a while. Katherine accuses Susan of calling her a “loon,” and Susan’s like You guys saw how she acted at the wedding, right?! And some chick says, “Not all of us were invited to your wedding, Susan.” Susan: “Geez, Mona, you’re like a dog with a bone, let it go!” Hee. Katherine tries to convince people that Susan and Mike are having problems, but if you ask me, she just looks bat-shit insane like she always does.

Only on Wisteria Lane do people raise their hands by “heil!”ing.

It’s Juanita’s party, and Mrs. Buzzkill wants to stay and watch her daughter, but Gabby assures her everything’s fine. She asks Susan if she’s a good parent, and Susan totally ignores her and goes to get drinks. Wise, Susan. Juanita complains that the monkey man wants to put the monkey away. He explains that Mr. Fibs did two shows yesterday and needs a nap but Gabby ain’t havin’ that! She tells him that she paid for two hours of ape so she’s gettin’ two hours of ape, dammit!

Meanwhile, in this week’s Plot That No One Cares About Because It’s Neither Amusing Nor Interesting, Bree’s back at the motel. The maid comes in to change a light bulb, and when she intimates that Karl has stood Bree up, Bree says he just called and is on his way. I know it sounds fascinating, but really, it’s quite boring. The maid tells Bree there’s a bible in the desk, and Bree asks the maid how many times her husband cheated on her. Because she’s come to the conclusion that she’s bitter because she was cheated on. The maid then tells Bree that, in fact, SHE was the one who cheated on her husband and now has no husband or boyfriend. She asks Bree if she ever feels guilty. Girl, please. You’re talking to the lady who watched her second husband die after she lied about calling an ambulance. A lady who dropped her son off literally in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a handful of cash. A lady who hid her daughter’s pregnancy, faked her own, and claimed the child as hers. And perhaps most chillingly, a lady who not only voted for Reagan, but for George W. Bush. Twice. Guilt isn’t really Bree’s thang, Nameless Jamaican Motel Maid.

But I guess when it comes to having an affair, Bree does feel guilty, as she admits that when she sees Orson she wants to shake him (join the club) and tell him to stop loving her because she’s not worth it, dammit (join the club)! Nameless Jamaican Motel Maid is like, Dontcha want to feel worth it, darlin’? Bree does. Karl comes in and asks if he’s interrupting, and Nameless Jamaican Motel Maid says, “No sir. Just turnin’ on a light.” Ugh, seriously? What a lame metaphor. She’s not even turning it on, she’s replacing the bulb. Whatever, just get me the hell away from this scene.

Susan hands Gabby a margarita on the porch. Way to watch the kids, lush. They raise a glass and clink to a successful party. Successful, that is, until all the kids run away screaming, and M.J. tells Susan that the monkey is killing the clown. Oh, god, it’s my first baptism all over again! Now, you’d think it would be both awesome and hilarious to see an enraged monkey beating the crap out of a clown, but thanks to the good folks at Desperate Housewives, we don’t get to see any of it. All we see are the clown’s feet, and then the monkey coming out with tufts of orange hair in his hand. Lame. Mrs. Buzzkill yanks her daughter out of the party, and the rest of the parents follow suit. Where the hell was the biggest bouncy house in the universe? Once again this show promises but totally does not deliver.

Just turn it into Desperate Juanita.

If, like no one, you’re wondering what happened to Lynette, she is at her kitchen table cutting veggies, telling Tom what Roy said, and then saying that Tom can interrupt any time to let Lynette know that she’s not a “castrating bitch.” Um . . . sure, sure he can . . . Tom is like, “We’re great, what do you care what he thinks?” Tom pulls out a frozen chicken to grill, but Lynette says it’ll take too long, so he better get some burgers from the garage. Instead of doing this, he goes across the street to talk to Roy, who’s on his porch drinking some beers. Nice. Tom tells Roy that he has to understand where Lynette is coming from. Bitchville? Emasculation Village? C-Word Junction? Nah, Tom says Lynette’s dad was gone and her mom was an alkie, so she had to be responsible for everyone, and now she’s afraid that everything can suddenly fall apart, and that’s where she gets the need to control everything. Tom’s like, “She can’t. But she can control me. If I let her. So, I do. Because it makes her feel safe. And that is my job, as her husband — to make her feel safe.” Roy is impressed and says that Tom is a good man. You know, I’m sure this is Cherry and the writer’s way to say, “We know Lynette emasculates Tom, but this is why. Now don’t you feel better about it?” You know what? I don’t, and I’m not buying it.

Over at the Solis house, Carlos is wearing pajamas for the love of god. W. T. F, Cherry?! Carlos says he’s glad Gabby is negligent because that means the girls will be independent. And, you know, dead by age 12.

Susan is jerked out of sleep by Julie, who is yelling that there’s someone outside. Julie wants Mike (join the club, ho), but Susan says he’s still out on the job. Remember the gun Green Day gave Julie? Yeah, she’s holding it now, and Susan grabs it. I know that some of you were praying that it accidentally goes off and shoots Susan in the pelvis, but no, that doesn’t happen. Sorry about that. For some insane reason, Susan thinks she can handle the responsibility of a loaded gun, and when she sees someone move past her window, she shoots. And for once, oddly, we’re not left with a cliffhanger — she shot Katherine! In the shoulder. And then things happen really quickly. Too quickly, in fact, for me to get sarcastic on it’s ass.

It’s just a flesh wound, really, but Katherine’s like, “You shot me!” It’s actually pretty funny. Julie and Susan run outside, and Katherine yells, “You tried to kill me!” Susan’s reply: “I just shot you. Let’s not go throwing accusations around.” Ha! Julie says the bullet just grazed her shoulder, and then Bob and Lee come running up, and sadly, Bob has a t-shirt on. Boo. But damn, he looks good in it. Katherine says Bob gets to be her lawyer, and Susan says she calls him, and then Bree and Orson run up, and Katherine blurts out, “Susan shot me!” before anyone can say anything else. Katherine explains that she was on neighborhood watch, Susan says it wasn’t her night, Katherine retorts that Tom asked her to fill in, Susan says she should have told her, and Katherine says she was trying to when Susan shot her. Nick says he’ll call an ambulance, and Orson says that someone should unload the gun before anyone gets hurt. So he hands it to Bree, who works her gun mojo, spins the chamber around, and dumps the bullets on the ground. Orson looks really proud of her. The whole scene is actually pretty funny.

Bloodless bullet.

Nick goes home and tells Angie and Green Day about what happened, and Angie’s says she would have never pegged Susan as a gun owner. Green Day says that he lent their gun to Julie. Ooooohhh, shit. Nick says that the gun is under their real name, and if it gets traced to them — but Angie says they won’t let that happen.

Back in Susan’s yard, Katherine says that Susan shot her on purpose, and everyone heard Susan threaten her at the meeting. She has witnesses! Susan says that if she wanted to kill Katherine, she’d just sneak in and shoot Katherine while she was sleeping. Nice. You know, normally I’m not a Susan fan, but she’s pretty effing funny in this episode. Katherine rushes away to call the police, but Angie catches up to her with a first aid kit and offers to clean her up before she calls the police. At Katherine’s, Angie convinces her not to call the police by saying that she sees how Mike looks at her, how he still has feelings for her, and that by having Susan thrown in jail, she’ll make Mike hate her forever. Katherine likey. Nick comes in the back way and opens up his robe — AAAAAAAA NOO! Oh. It’s just the gun. Thank god. He got it back. Angie goes back over and tells Susan that she and Katherine talked and that the police won’t be called and everything’s cool.

Mary Alice talks about judgement again as Wisteria Lane montages fly by. Judgey wudgey was a bear, M-Dawg. Karl takes his shirt off (nice) and Bree’s like, I don’t give two shits ’bout no judgement when I’m boning a dude who’s stomach you could grate cheese on! Suck on that, Nameless Jamaican Motel Maid!

This would totally give Bree a boner.

Next Week: Bree cheats. And Tom cheats! In school, not on Lynette. Juanita gets in trouble at school. And Angie hides stuff and lies about other stuff and junk.