Desperate Housewives: A Blanking Blankstorm of Blank

This week on Desperate Housewives: Cherry and Co. continue to want everyone to hate Katherine, and if this episode is any evidence, mission accomplished. Because she tries AGAIN to seduce Mike pretty much in front of Susan, then acts like a crazy cake-making ho toward Angie. But MIKE TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF! I know! Also, Tom cheats on a test and Lynette judges him for it. Gabby tries to home-school Juanita; and Bree and Karl have sex or a conversation or do the same crap they always do. Oh yeah, and Susan falls in something.

You’re such a clutz, Suz!

Mary Alice says that Bree Hodge had a problem. Yeah? Just one, Mary Alice? Apparently your ability to do math died along with you in your impeccably decorated living room. Mary Alice says Bree’s trying hard not to fall in love with Karl, who has bad table manners and parks in handicapped spots and looks at other women’s boobies. But since Bree’s starting to fall in love with him, she does the only rational thing: She breaks it off. But what’s this? Karl has a little present for Bree. No, not his weenis — it’s a cameo brooch. Which belonged to his grandmother. Wow, I’m sure his grandmother would be proud to know that her precious heirloom has been passed down to a married ho who’s cheating on her husband with her grandson. Anyone else completely sick of this plot? I’ll admit that last season I was like, “Eh? Bree and Karl? Interesting!” But then again, I was excited about anything that took focus away from the beige-haired douchebag story line. But you know what? I get it, Cherry: Bree and Karl are having an affair. They’ve been having one for like 8 episodes, now where the hell are you gonna go with this, huh!? NOTHING is happening! They sleep together at motels, and then in the next episode they sleep together in motels, and in the next episode they sleep together in motels. That’s it! I am at my limit!! Make. Something. Happen!! Credits.

Time to bring out the Kimberly in you and start blowing stuff up.

Uh-ohsies! We’re at the principal’s office! Her name is Anne Peterson, and I know what you’re thinking — “A woman principal?! Blasphemy!” But you can relax, because she’s white, thank god, so it’s all good. But now we’re leaving the principal’s office and headed to the auditorium. Oh! I hope it’s a lyceum about staying off drugs performed by actors who were so terrible that they were rejected by even community theater and are now touring Kansas elementary schools in a mini-van! Ah, childhood.

But no, it’s a Thanksgiving play put on by the kids at Juannie Sue’s school. Carlos is taping it, because this is season 6 and he’s boring now. Gabby tells Carlos not to be impressed with Juanita’s acting skills, and rightfully so, since Juanita struggles with the word “persecution” and then goes, “Aw –” at which point the screen freezes and Mary Alice says she utters a certain 4-letter word. I, for one, think Juanita dropped the f-bomb. But if you want to pretend it’s “shit,” that’s fine too. You can even pretend it’s “darn,” if you want, but then you’d be Amish and if you don’t have electricity then how could you possibly be reading this recap? Odd.

Hey, it’s the Indians that cursed! That’s why we killed them all and stole their land. Pick a side!

Meanwhile, Bree and Orson are headed over to someone’s house with a pie, because, well, that’s what they do. Nothing says “the Hodge family” quite like channeling sexual and marital frustration into baked goods. Turns out they’re headed to Susan and Mike’s house, and they don’t want people to know they have marital problems. So, turns out Bree is wearing the brooch that Karl gave her, and Susan recognizes it as Karl’s grandma’s brooch that he gave to Susan years ago, before Susan “lost” it. Okay. Why the hell would Bree even wear it over to Susan’s? That’s just ludicrously stupid. I mean, I just . . . I can’t . . . she’s just . . . ugh! Dumb! And then Karl shows up to drop off Julie (so, even though she’s like 30 now they still share custody?), and then everyone’s like, Oh it’s so weird that the brooch was lost and now it turned up and Bree where did you get it and why does Mike still have his shirt on?

Bree got it at some antique store. I believe the store is called Trinkets ‘N’ Things For Skinny Whores. It’s in a quaint little town called Cheaterly Falls. Which is by Harlot Lake. In the Skank Range. Of the Adulterous Mountains. Susan wants Bree to keep the brooch, but Bree gives it back to Susan in front of Karl. Ooh, burn. Everyone is still clueless. Why isn’t anyone asking how it ended up in an antique store in the first place? Or why Karl doesn’t really seem to care? And why haven’t all the women left so that Orson, Mike, and Karl can take their shirts off and enjoy some mutual soft kissing? It’s called experimenting, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Especially if it’s filmed.

If Juanita was here, I think she’d ask “who the fuck wears broaches in 20009?”

A couple people stumble drunkenly into the Scavo household, and as much as I wish it was McCluskey and, I don’t know, anybody but Tom, it turns out to be Tom and some other college kid. Tom and his little friend got drunk and then went out for pancakes, but the place was closed, so they went back to Tom’s house so Tom could make pancakes, which is the kind of rationale that only makes sense when you’re drunk. It’s called Lindsay Lohan Logic. Sure, snorting blow off the toilet of a night club while someone else takes pics of you on a cell phone sounds like a great idea at the time, but a couple months later when you’re in front of the judge, you’re kind of like, “Huh. Maybe that wasn’t the best thing to do. Seemed like it at the time. I bet the bailiff could score me some sweet blow if I give him a handy j.”

There’s another drunk kid on the couch, so I guess there were two guys with Tom. Lynette wakes up, of course, and so she berates Tom for drinking irresponsibly. I’m sure she was already awake — y’all know she can’t sleep peacefully until she’s yelled at Tom for something and ruined his fun. The whole thing is boring and stupid, so let’s move on to something more interesting.

You’ll do.

Like Juanita, perhaps. At school, the principal says that Juanita has to write a letter of apology, can’t participate in the rest of the productions, and is on cafeteria detail for two weeks. Gabby thinks that’s a little too much, but she keeps this to herself. Just kidding. The teacher calls into question Gabby’s parenting skills, which leads to Gabby pulling little Juan-Juan out of school. And now Juanita will be one of those weird home schooled kids who’s freaky religious parents routinely take them to salute the flag and pray every morning at the public school. Why? No one knows.

Katherine goes over to Susan’s house to ‘pologize for being the mayor as well as the city manager of Crazytown, but she’s not so convincing if you ask me. How is it that Susan is the sane, normal one in a conversation? Kathy’s all, Hey we can hang out now, and I’ll come over for a BBQ! Susan’s like, Unless you’re gonna marinate that beef in a Thorazine drip, that ain’t gonna happen, crazy ho. And then Kathy pretty much blackmails Susan into being her friend by threatening to sue. What, is there another way to get friends? If so, I don’t wanna know about it. Susan tells Kathy to come over for brunch on Sunday.

Bree walks into Karl’s office to officially break up with him because he stole the brooch back from Susan and then yelled at her when she “lost it.” Oh, and Bree asks if it ever occurred to him that she might wear it in front of Susan. Bree. Honey. Did it ever occur to YOU to, oh, I don’t know, NOT wear it in front of Susan?! The sheer audacity of stupidness that Bree has displayed this episode is glaring and obnoxious! Also, dumb as shit. You know what? Bree doesn’t deserve a funny recap of this moment. Karl says he lost track of the crap he stole back (and brings up the fact that she put all her stuff in storage to hide it from Orson last season, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bree Van de Kamp Mason Hodge!), and when Bree is leaving (because “It’s over!”), Karl proposes marriage because he’s changed or is willing to change or is pregnant or something. Cherry, are you effing kidding me with this crap? I’m all for female empowerment (because let’s face it, men kind of suck a lot of the time), but why has every guy on this show become, for lack of a better word, a pussy? I’ve seen globes with more edges than the fellas on Wisteria Lane, for pete’s sakes.

I’ve got an idea! Let’s play Moonlighting! But without wit. And charm. And Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis. Never mind. I’ll just yell at you and then we’ll do it a lot.

Back at Angie’s, she’s wistfully looking at something. The Complete Season 2 DVD of Joey? No, it’s a picture of someone on a beach with a baby, who for once is not Matthew McConaughey and his son. I think it’s Angie as a baby with her mom, maybe, because it looks like it’s from the 60s or early 70s, but maybe it’s supposed to be Angie with Green Day? I don’t know. Katherine comes in uninvited, and cares for about .2 seconds before telling her how well her “plan” to take the high road with Susan is going. And then she asks Angie who’s in the pic, and it’s Angie’s mom. Ah, there we go. Turns out, she’s dead. Not Angie, Angie’s mom. Although the way things go for new cast members, Angie may not be far behind. Tomorrow would have been mommy’s b-day, and Katherine’s like, I’ll take you out to cheer you up and we can talk about our plan! And Angie’s like, Back off psycho, this is your plan, not ours. And then Kathy says she’ll bake a pineapple upside down cake because that’s always good for depression. You know what I think is better? A rum cake. Only substitute whiskey for rum. And then, you know, hold the cake part.

A crap storyline is one thing, but a muumuu? Drea, stand up and fight for your rights!

Carlos comes in to find Gabby cooking (wha? Didn’t she stop cooking when she magically turned from ugly to pretty when she lost those 3 pounds?) and tells her that there are no private schools accepting kids so Gabby’s gonna have to home school Juannie Sue. You can find stuff online, he says. Yeah, just go to the Focus On the Family website. Then they try to blame each other for being an influence on Juanita’s mouth, and there’s like 10 minutes of them saying things like, “You always say, ‘The ‘blanking’ client is ‘blanking’ late!’” I wish they could have just let them either a.) swear and then bleep it out, or b.) said “effing” instead of “blanking.” Because this is blanking annoying. Carlos says they’re both at fault (who’s at fault for the hair, though, Carlos?) and that Gabby is home-schooling Juanita. And Gabby’s like, “Yeah, well you can forget about getting blanked tonight!” Carlos: “Fine. I blanked off earlier.” Ha! And now I am imagining Carlos blanking off. And it is awesome.

Bree brought over a pie for Susan, who’s of course wearing the brooch. As a belt or something. Bree is curious to hear if Karl brought Susan a lot of gifts and also wants to hear about the good times they had together. Susan says that if just once he had told her he’s willing to change, then maybe things would be different. And then Susan gives back the brooch and thanks Bree for letting her say some nice things about Karl. Snooze.

Remember how I just had this same storyline last season with one of my other exes? Yeah, that was fun. So…pie.

Gabby’s over at Lynette’s to borrow a globe, but Lynette says it’s so old that it’s from before the Soviet Union broke up. Gabby: “The Soviet Union broke up?” Ha! Lynette pops a button on her shirt and Gabby’s like, Yeah you’re getting really fat. Tom agrees, and then goes to the “library” to pick up some “books.” Which is either code for going to the liquor store to pick up a pony keg and some Zima for the sorority pledges, or code for going to the park by the interstate and letting a middle-aged overweight trucker give him a b.j. Could go either way. And then Gabby says she’s gonna help Lynette lose the weight, but they’re interrupted by the phone — it’s one of Tom’s beer buddies. Cut to Lynette at a party where she asks Tom’s buds where he is, but they say he’s not really a friend of theirs — they just let him buy the beer and make pancakes because they gave him the answers to the mid-term. Ooooh, Lynette totally blanked a brick. I guess the guys have a connection in the math department or something boring like that.

Mike asks if Susan is coming to bed and OHMIGOD MIKE IS TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF! Oh, this is so . . . wait, Susan’s saying she’s exhausted and OHMIGOD WHY IS MIKE PUTTING HIS SHIRT BACK ON?! Oh, okay, okay, thank god, Susan says she’s not that exhausted. The shirt is back off, people! But only for a few seconds because Mike’s phone rings. He says he’s not on call tonight and gets back to the sexin’. But when Mike lets it slip that Kathy’s the one with the plumbing problem, Susan insists that he take the job, but when it turns out it’s a problem in her master bathroom, she decides to go with him. Which is a good thing, really, since Kathy opens her door in some skimpy purple number that she probably bought from Edie Britt’s Estate Sale.

Stop ruining it, Susan!

Kathy’s surprised to see Susan, but Susan’s surprised to see that Kathy doesn’t have her sling on her arm anymore (Kathy says she feels better). Katherine says that the problem’s with the garbage disposal, not the master bath. Hmmm, interesting, thinks Susan, and so she goes upstairs to see Katherine’s bedroom all decked out in roses and champagne and crap. Kathy tells Susan she does that every night, and when Susan’s like, “You drink a whole bottle of champagne every night?” Kathy’s all, “Maybe I have a little problem, okay?!” Ha! Nice delivery, Ms. Delany. Susan yells for Mike to come upstairs so he can see what Katherine has planned out, and Katherine runs around trying to get rid of the sexual healing evidence. Which of course leads to yelling, which of course leads to a cat-fight, which of course leads to Katherine and Susan falling into the bubble bath. So, now the hate is back on, bitches.

Back at the Scavos, Tom is waiting for Lynette to come home so he can tell her that a dude called and let him know his old lady was pokin’ around, and that he’s cheating because he’s failing the required course. And the other courses, pretty much. Lynette says she doesn’t care. In other news, the sky is blue. She’s like, do whatever you have to do to pass, but don’t cheat, you freak. He’s like, Um didn’t you lie when Gabby said you were gaining weight? Well, lying isn’t really the same as cheating, if you ask me. They argue about keeping things from each other, and Tom yells that sometimes you have to break the rules, and then tells Lynette not to act like she’s all high and mighty and better than him. I agree — you both suck, Tom and Lynette. But equally.

Over at the Gabrielle Solis Reform School for Girls, Juanita’s bored from reading. Kind of like you are right now, right?! Juanita shoves her book off the table, and when Gabby picks it back up, she does the exact same thing again. Repeat as needed. When Carlos shows up, Gabby is physically forcing Juanita to pick up the book off the floor. Meh. It’s pretty much the same as Catholic school.

If you’d started this earlier in life this poor kid might be able to touch her toes.

I don’t really care about this plot this week, so I’m just gonna breeze through it: Bree says she may or may not marry Karl, but he has to focus on getting her a divorce first, then maybe she’ll consider marrying the Karl who said he would change. And also no sex until she’s divorced because there may be a scandal. Fascinating.

As Gabby packs some of Juannie’s stuff in a backpack. Carlos tells her that Juannie told him that she overheard what Gabby said to the principal and blames her for getting kicked out of school. And Carlos says Gabby may have overreacted to the principal when she said that Gabby was a bad parent. Carlos is like, Juannie can’t go to school, she can’t have people over because a monkey almost killed a clown — all because of Gabby. He has a point, albeit one that’s not shirtless.

Angie stares at a cell phone that blatantly says PRE PAID in a big red sticker on the front. Subtle. Angie dials the phone, and ten bucks says she’s calling her “dead” mom. Ah! I totally called it! Who else knew that? Everyone? I bet so. Although it would be so sweet and touching if someone watching this show was like, “Oh my gosh! She said her mom was dead! What is GOING ON?!?” and then totally freaked out and threw the remote at the TV and went on a living room rampage, destroying furniture and what-not, and then sat down all out of breath and was like, “This is the best. Show. Ever.”

Angie’s like, I know it’s been so long, Ma, but we’re okay, and we don’t have a lot of time, but Green Day is good and maybe some day we can talk longer, but I think I hear someone so I’ll speak in Italian and iloveyoutalktoyoulaterbye. Turns out Katherine came in unannounced AGAIN to deliver her pineapple upside down cake. She’s like, Didn’t you say your mom was dead? Angie’s like, That’s my mom-in-law, I call her “ma” because we’re close. Quick thinking, Ange. Also, when Kathy asks about the pre-paid phone, Angie says that she used it on vacation and wanted to use the minutes. Nice. Kathy then says that she’s gonna sue Susan so she’ll need that gun back for evidence. Angie tells Kathy that she should stick to her plan. Kathy’s like, Why were you speaking Italian to Nick’s mom when she isn’t Italian? Angie says it makes her mom-in-law feel sophisticated. That wasn’t so slick. I would have said she’s taking lessons because she’s planning to go to Italy because HER mother lied to her about her real father and it turns out he was an Italian prince who was visiting America but couldn’t marry her mother because there would be a scandal but they kept in touch all these years and now the prince is on his deathbed and wants to set things right again, so she’s practicing her Italian on me. Something simple like that. And, even though Angie is the one with the potentially dangerous secret, right now I want her to take out the gun and shoot Katherine dead because she’s really pissing me off.

From a muumuu to a Mrs. Roeper robe. Hang up on your mother and call your agent.

Back at Gabby’s, she tells Juanita that she’s been running her mouth off since she was a little girl and that sometimes she can’t help it, and Juannie Sue is like, If you had just let the principal punish me, then everything would be over. Gabby says she was wrong and she’s sad that Juanita’s upset, and then asks if Juanita thinks she’s a good mom. Why would she ask Juanita that when she’s pissed off at her? Damn, I don’t even have a kid and even I know that you wait to ask that question until AFTER you’ve given your kid the wii/trampoline/pony. Then you’ll get the response you want. Maybe Gabby is a bad mother.

Angie’s over at Susan’s to tell her that Katherine can’t be trusted and has “completely lost it.” Well, duh. Susan says that she and Mike are just going to ignore Kathy from here on out, but Angie’s tells her that that’s not enough — she needs to get Kathy “off the street.” Katherine is a homeless prostitute/junkie?! Oh. Oh. Okay, now I get it. Angie then adds some major shit to the pot that she’s staring and is like, “Do you know where Katherine was the night that Julie got strangled?” If this were season 4, I’d be like, “Bitch, shut your mouth!” But it’s season 6, and I wouldn’t put it past Katherine because Cherry and the writers seem to think it’s cool to make Katherine completely unsympathetic and obnoxious. So yeah. Katherine could have done it. And then Angie says something that I had actually not even thought of, “Maybe she [Katherine] didn’t think it was Julie . . .” Oooh, that’s interesting!

Ugh, Mary Alice time again. Hey, tell us about the secrets, Mary Alice! This time she talks about lessons and cheating and lying and coveting men who aren’t yours and betraying men who are. Yours, I mean. Boreson walks into the Victorian Rose antique store, where Bree was (I guess) said to have purchased her brooch. He asks the middle-aged guy in a bow tie (because this is television and only middle-aged pudgy men with glasses and bow ties can run antique stores) about the brooch and buying something like it, and the guy’s like, “A brooch, we don’t have anything like that here.” Um, way to check, lazy-ass. Also, from the looks of it, it seems like you probably do have things like that. The guy says they only sell furniture. Boreson’s mind explodes in confusion. And then he probably steals a floor lamp and an antique mirror on his way out.

I was hoping you might have some dignity in stock…

Next Week: Sweeps is creeping up on us, so things’ll be thrown into high-gear as Susan believes Kathy may have strangled Julie; Angie blackmails Orson and Bree (into what, being interesting?); Gabby continues to teach Juanita at home; and Lynette begins to suspect someone else is responsible for the strangling. I don’t know who. Because. I know that’s not a good reason, and I don’t care. Because.