Desperate Housewives: The Moose is Loose

This week on Desperate Housewives: Lynette finds out about Julie and Nick; Gabby keeps trying to teach Juanita; Susan goes to the cops about Katherine and has a blast from the past (and no, it’s not Jackson, thank god – I hope those days are over); and Bree and Angie bond over pasta and secrets. Also, Nick’s the only one who takes his shirt off tonight, so prepare yourself.

Secret 1: Hire an Italian. You’re too white to pull this off.

First of all, there’s no alcohol in the house, and I don’t feel like going to get any, so the only thing getting me through this recap is Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi. Wheeeee. Good thing I’m super tired and totally listless! Second of all, did you know you can watch Desperate Housewives on Hulu now? Third of all, this week’s episode on Hulu is sponsored by uber-tool Jack Johnson and some kids he inspired . . . to never want to play guitar in their lives. Let’s get to the recap, kids.

Mary Alice starts us off this week with a tale about Julie Mayer. It seems Julie’s having trouble sleeping, since she keeps dreaming of Nick, and, well, I don’t know why. Look, I don’t have anything against the actor who plays him (I’m too tired to look it up online), but clearly, when it comes to the men of Wisteria Lane, he’s the “other” in “one of these things is not like the other.” And yet, Cherry and Co. treat us to a montage of Nick, including a scene in his garden where I can’t tell if Nick is dirty or has weird patches of arm, shoulder, and body hair.

Take a shower. Or shave. Or something.

Julie and Nick met and then they met again, and then they were doing it. Nick takes off his shirt, and while it’s not on par with, I don’t know, any guy on this show, it’s less unpleasant than I thought it would be.

Anysnooch, Julie thought she might be with child, so she broke it off. But Mary Alice tells us that “some men can’t take no for an answer.” Wilmer Valderrama? No, I guess Nick’s one of those guys. So, he goes inside to yell at Julie for breaking off their little tryst, and Lynette, choosing the wrong moment to care about someone other than herself, walks right up to the front door to overhear the fracas. Lynette knocks on the door and tells Julie that she’s just dropping off that “band candy that [they] bought from Penny.” Julie’s like, Um, who the hell is Penny? After Nick leaves, Julie lets it slip that Nick is the man that almost knocked her up and Lynette’s like, Why did you tell me?! Julie wants to stop loving him, but she’s having a hard time doing that. But Lynette’s like, I’ll take care of it. And she won’t tell Susan. And I don’t believe Lynette. And then we have the credits.

Boy did I pick the wrong time to actually act like a mother.

Juanita plops The Fairview Home Schooling Workbook on the dining room table. I’m sure the book is full of great lessons, for example, “How Much Cash Should You Give to Your Gay Son As You Abandon Him On the Road Side After He Slept With Your Boyfriend?” and “Chaining Your Retarded Son to the Basement Wall: Stainless Steel or Proof Coil Links?” or “So You’ve Had Yet Another Baby. Again. Why Not Give Him/Her a Name That Begins With a ‘P’?” But Juannie Sue ain’t havin’ none of that book learnin’ mess so she throws it on the floor. Just like she did last week with some other book. Um, Ana anyone? Cherry? Remember Ana?

Juanita hates fractions because they’re boring (word, li’l skank), but Gabby’s like, I’ll take your doll and chop her into thirds and crap, but Carlos comes home (why is Gabby trying to teach her at 5pm?) and gets pissed. Gabby says she needs help what with all the housework plus the teaching, and also the whining. Whining is about 80% of Gabby’s day. 85% if you count complaining, and I know you do. Carlos says he’ll hire a housekeeper, but Gabby wants a tutor, and where the fuck is Ana?! I mean, seriously, damn. Not that I cared for her, at all, but sheesh, what, she just left John’s restaurant and walked into another dimension? Damn.

Do your math or you will disappear, brat!

At the police station, Susan’s with Mike and she’s trying to convince the cops that Katherine is The Strangler, but the doughy cop is like, Women don’t strangle – they run people over with cars (like Orson?) or poison people (like George?). Although to be fair, both Orson and George are very womanly. Womanish. Womanesque. Susan says, very sarcastically: “Well, maybe Katherine was thinking outside the box.” Hee! You know what? I’m digging Susan this season. And you know what? I think Lynette and/or Katherine and/or Bree is the new Susan. Yeah, basically I just like Gabby and Susan now.

The cops say unless there’s evidence, they can’t do anything about it. Ah, Fairview cops. They make Chief Wiggum look like Lennie Briscoe. But it looks like there’s one lady cop who’s gonna take Susan’s case: Kathy Najimy! Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod! She’s like the Nia Vardalos of the 90s! And Peggy Hill? God, I love Peggy Hill. And I love Kathy Najimy. Officer Kathy says she’ll come by in the morning to get a statement. Officer Doughy is like, Why would you do that? And Officer Kathy is like, Oh Susan and I go way back – she doesn’t remember me, but she will. Oh, dip.

It will be fascinating to see if they waste her as well as they did Lily Tomlin.

Ugh, Boreson and Bree. They’re going over to Angie and Nick’s. Um, why? I would think out of everyone on Wisteria Lane, Angie would hate them the most. I know I do. Boreson says he went to that antique store, but they just had furniture. Bree says that she meant the antique jewelry store across town. Oh, the suspense. So they eat dinner and shoot the shit, and the fact that Bree fired Katherine comes up, and Nick’s like, Hey why don’t you hire Angie? Which I actually think I would like to see. Bree’s like, Oh we’re not hiring right now. She should have added, “because of the economy,” but since this season takes place in the year 2499, I guess that won’t work. And then Nick and Angie fight Italian-style, all, “Oh-ey, ey-oh!” and then the night’s awkward . . . er.

Back at Miss Gabby’s School For Chubby Cussers, Gabby’s trying to teach Juanita math, and it’s not going too well. Even with the prospect of ice cream, it’s not working. Gabby goes outside to get some fresh air and tells the maid to keep an eye on Juannie Sue. That’s it?

Apparently. Over at Bree’s Kitchen of Tomorrow, she’s letting a couple sample some foie gras mousse. Um, gross. And uncool to geese. Or ducks. Or seals. Whatever the hell foie gras is made out of. The lady says it’s elegant, but the guy isn’t impressed and wants some food that he can pronounce. It seems that he’s having 500 people come from the Bronx for their anniversary and they’re more of a “sausage and peppers” crowd. Oh, darn, if only there were someone Bree knows . . . who can make really good Italian food . . . and starred in a hit show about mobsters . . . and then a poorly-executed and unsuccessful spin-off about the least entertaining character in a hit sitcom . . . Shucks, I can’t think of anyone, Bree! Also, you guys, I’m never gonna let that “Joey” thing die, so you better get used to it. Bree says she can make them a Tour of Italy with the new Chicken Crostada and all the breadsticks and salad they can eat, because when you eat here, you’re family! They tell Bree she’s hired.

Back at Gabby’s, when she gets back in from her fresh air break, turns out Juanita got all the math questions right. With the help of Ivana. Not Trump, though – the maid, who told Juanita to look at fractions as a big chocolate cake, with slices and stuff. Ivana says she has a PhD in math from the university of Bucharest which means a lot in Europe, but means nothing in America. You can say the same thing about Robbie Williams. I know I do.

Who?

Lynette walks over to Nick and Angie, who are outside gardening, and when Angie goes in for a glass of wine, Lynette unhinges her jaw and begins to let Nick have it. Did Nick decide to suddenly get an accent in this episode? Cuz I’ve not heard it before. Lynette says Nick will be sorry if he continues to bother Julie, and then Nick says Julie started the whole thing and that Lynette’s the one who’ll be sorry if she tells anyone! And then Lynette goes home and tells Tom that she might know who The Strangler is!

Back at Gabby’s again, Carlos walks in to a completely messy house, and then Juanita is all, Look daddy I did fractions and Ivana — but then Gabby cuts her off and is all, “I — Ivanaaaaa take all the credit myself!” And then shoves Gabby into a room to inexplicably tell her that once again, she’s going to have to lie to daddy. Wow, way to keep spoiling Juanita’s chances of having a healthy relationship with a man when she’s older, Gabby.

Nope. Still don’t get it. I need a maid. Who used to be a brain surgeon.

Over at Susan’s, Officer Kathy is taking Susan’s statement, and is all “You totally don’t remember me, do you.” And hilariously, Susan doesn’t. Turns out Officer Kathy is Denise LaPerra, who used to sit behind Susan in class, probably envying her shiny, Herbal Essences hair and Sergio Valente jeans, and cringing whenever Susan did her little squeal as she put on some Bonnie Bell Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker. Susan still doesn’t remember Denise, like at all, and Denise seems a bit bothered by this. Probably because Susan is married to one of the prime time sex gods and has a lovely house, and a lovely child. I’m sorry, what’s that? Susan has TWO children? When did this happ — oh, li’l M.J. What, did Ana take him with her when she walked to the edge of the earth and jumped off? It’s called continuity, Cherry, and you may want to, I don’t know, include it in your little show some time. Denise goes on her way to talk to Katherine, and Susan makes her promise not to tell Katherine that she was the one who suspects her of being The Strangler.

Over at Angie’s, Bree has once again channelled her anger, guilt, and frustration into baked goods and offered it as a token of friendship and blackmail. Bree is like, Hey can I borrow those recipes to make for my friend who can’t go out in public since she was in a fire and burned beyond almost beyond recognition? Angie falls for this (I’m hoping she’s just playing along) and gives Bree the recipes from her Olive Garden Collection and Bree promises not to pass the recipes around.

Mike flips through Susan’s yearbook, hoping to jog Susan’s memory of Denise, as well as get a boner when he sees Susan’s pic in her cheerleading outfit. Susan then recognizes Denise as “Moose.” Apparently, Susan told some girl that Denise laughed like a moose, then this girl spread it around the school faster than a cold sore. And, as if that wasn’t enough, Denise blames Susan for stealing her boyfriend (technically, he dumped Denise so he could ask out Susan, but Moose didn’t see it that way). Mike’s like, I’m sure she’s over it, since it happened like 20 years ago. Turns out? Probably not. Cuz Officer Moose walks out with Katherine and gives her a big “Let’s Both Hate That Crazy Bitch Who Stole Our Boyfriends and Then Fell On a Cake Or Something Klutzy Like That” hug.

Can we just have one day of peace where you don’t get us hated by another person in town?

And we’re back to this week’s Plot That Really Isn’t Interesting to Anyone. Gabby tells Juanita that when she finishes her homework, they can eat the crap out of sugary foods that will ensure that Juanita loses at least one foot to juvenile diabetes. Wheee, mommy’s awesome! The maid comes, but it’s some hispanic woman, not Ivana, and Gabby’s not happy. Turns out, Carlos requested a different maid, since Ivana didn’t clean anything.

Angie pops over to the Kitchen of Tomorrow unexpectedly to bring over some “You’re a Skinny Bitch But I’ll Be Damned If You Show Me Up” cookies. And then Angie discovers that Bree is making her recipes for 500 people, and after calling Bree a “two-faced, condescending bitch,” she leaves in a huff.

She could have been more polite about that.

Oh, I forgot about Lynette. Dang. Anyway, Julie’s over at Lynette’s house, because she and Tom have scheduled a Your Married Boyfriend Probably Strangled You intervention. Boy, if I had a nickel for all the times my friends had one of those for me . . . Julie’s like, That’s crazy he would never do that! And Tom is like, Julie you’re like a daughter to us and we care about you. Oh, by the way, here’s a deleted scene they cut for time:

Lynette: Don’t we already have a daughter?

Tom: No. No, I’m pretty sure we don’t.

Lynette: I thought that we did.

Tom: Oh, you mean the babies you’re pregnant with? Maybe, but –

Lynette: No, no, I remember this . . . blonde . . . girl? What was her name . . . Pam! No, that’s not it . . .

Tom: Peggy!

Lynette: Polly!

Tom: No . . . Huh. Oh well, I’m sure we’d remember if we had a daughter.

Lynette: Ha ha ha, you’re right, Tom! Also, remind me to tediously yell at you for something later on, ‘kay?

Tom: You got it, honey! I love you.

Lynette: Shove it, man-child.

INT. — THE SCAVO BASEMENT.

Penny: Hello? Mom? I think you locked me in here! I’m sure it was an accident! I’ve been living off dog food for 4 days . . . Hello? Dad? Porter . . .? Um . . . Mr. Cherry? I think Ana and M.J. are dead . . . they haven’t moved in a couple days . . . Also, I think I see the bones of Juanita Solis’ little sister . . . What was her name? I don’t know. Mr. Cherry . . .?

FADE OUT

I think that’ll be on the DVD release, so look forward to that! Lynette and Tom say that they’re going to go to the police even though Julie doesn’t want them to.

Man, why the hell did Gabby call the agency to find out where Ivana’s working? I really hope someone at the maid agency got fired for that. Gabby wants Ivana to come back, but Ivana says that she almost got fired because Carlos said she was a bad maid, but again Gabby implores her to come back and teach Juanita, cuz she’ll be damned if she spends any quality time with her children. Gabby tells Ivana that she just HAS to teach Juannie Sue, but Ivana’s like, What about the floors I have to mop at this house? Hmmm. How will we solve this little dilemma, eh? Maybe Gabby could wash the floors! Nah, that’s way too predict — ah, yup. There we go.

Mom’s cleaning? She hasn’t done that since she was fat.

Bree’s busy making gnocchi, but the taste just isn’t right, and speaking of bad taste, in walks Boreson. He’s got a new brooch for Bree that he got at the antique store, but Bree has had ENOUGH! Her disgusting gnocchi have sent her over the edge and she yells at Boreson and tells him that she wants a divorce, dammit! And then Boreson’s testicles retreat into his scrotum and he leaves. So, this is the end to the whole “brooch” plot? Orson doesn’t suspect anything, he just buys her a new brooch and then that’s that? I feel cheated, I feel enraged, I fell glad that this scene is over.

Back to Gabby, who has her hands full with the groceries and yells for Ivana to get going so Carlos doesn’t find out what’s going on. But too late, dumbass, cuz Carlos is back and he totally knows what’s up. Gabby says she can teach Juannie Sue about makeup and junk but not math and stuff and Juanita is starting to dislike her. Some moms are just made for home schooling, she says. Yeah, they’re called Mennonites. Carlos agrees to figure something out.

Bree goes over to apologize to Angie and tells her that she’d be “honored” to have her in her kitchen. Angie agrees, but only if Bree will cut the bullshit and tell her why she doesn’t like her. Bree says that she doesn’t know how to handle someone who is so open and candid, someone who fights with her husband in front of guests. Angie’s all, “Well not everyone’s marriage is perfect like yours, Nancy Reagan!” Hee. Bree then tells Angie about how bad things are with Boreson, and then, long story short, Angie agrees to help Bree out.

I had no idea you were so pathetic. I’m in!

Over at the Fairview police precinct, Susan brings the two fella officers some sandwiches and a jar of pickles. Nothing gets the Fairview police going like a little sandwich bribery. She wants Moose off the case, but Moose is actually there, and it turns out that she did in fact, bond with Kathy over the fact that they both lost boyfriends to Susan. And Moose is still pretty pissed. Turns out Katherine told her about how Susan totally popped a cap in her ass last week, and not reporting that to the police? Is pretty much an arrest-able offense, Suze. So Moose puts her in handcuffs and shoves Susan into the pokey.

Lynette and Tom go to the police, who are like, Waaah more work?! They tell them to check out Nick Bolen cuz he was totally macking on Julie but then she dumped his ass so maybe he strangled her. God, are they EVER going to be able to eat?! Stupid crimes, gettin’ in the way of all that sandwich eatin’ and things.

When Nick gets home, Angie’s all, Oh hey I got a job with Bree and also? the cops called and need to know where you were when Julie was strangled. Nick’s like, Why would they want to talk to me? Angie’s like, Maybe it’s because you were sleeping with her. She says she’s known for weeks, AND she says that he gets this one off because she’s put him through a lot. And then she totally punches him in the face, which I have wanted to do for a long time, if for no reason other than the fact that Nick insists on wearing Kramer shirts with wife-beaters.

She’s had to do this at least once for every show she’s been on.

Hey, what’s going on tonight, Mary Alice? Got any metaphors for us? You know she does. It’s all about books (what?). So, people read them. Like Juanita with her school book, Lynette and Penny(!) with their children’s book, and Susan, still in jail, with Crime and Punishment. Oh, now THAT’S some irony — good one, Cherry! Also, the books are metaphors for secrets.

Next Week: Susan has to do a little community service; Angie finds out about Bree and Karl; Gabby tries to get Juanita into a new school; someone else is interested in Nick (seriously?); and Lynette continues to try to hide her pregnancy.