Desperate Housewives: Would You Like a Strangling With Your Coffee? No? Just Cream Then.

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan does a little comm-serve time for, you know, shooting her neighbor (not that Katherine didn’t deserve it, because we all know she TOTALLY did); Angie finds out Bree’s secret; Gabby is still. Trying. To get. Juanita. Back in school. Please, Cherry, let’s just end that soon, mmkay? And Lynette keeps trying to hide her pregnancy. Does it work? Wait and se — okay, fine, it doesn’t. And there’s another strangling! But it’s probably no one you care about.

The no one you care about strangler is on the loose!

Mary Alice tells us about Judge Mary Gallagher, who apparently has a sense of humor when it comes to sentencing. Objection, your honor! Sustained. For instance, she sentences a slum-lord to live in his own building for a month. That’s so original, because it’s exactly like that movie “The Super” with Joe Pesci. And that episode of Will and Grace when Will made Karen do that. She also made someone who pulled a Naomi Campbell and threw her phone at her maid clean the maid’s house for a week. Oh, ironic punishment, thy name is Mary Gallagher. And sarcasm, thy name is Hypnotoad.

This hammer thing is confusing.

What does all this matter to us? It doesn’t really, except that she’s the judge for the whole Susan-shot-Katherine debacle. Before ruling, Katherine, wearing a leopard-print pillbox hat that wouldn’t look good on a county garbage dump, goes up to the judge to tell her that Susan also trash-talked her around the neighborhood. And you know what? I’m just gonna say it, because it’s now official: I hate Katherine. I was holding out for some shred of awesomeness that she had in season 4, but no. It’s not there. So, yeah, Cherry, you ruined her, and I hate her. So there. Blah blah judge blah, turns out Susan’s sentence is to pick up trash in the Fairview State Park. It used to be called the Fairview Wisteria Lane Dead Body Dumping Ground, but the city council voted to change it last year. Credits.

Jackie O. No

Over at The Coffee Cup, which is the laziest and least clever name for a fictional coffee shop ever, people drink coffee and read their papers, and there’s probably at least one guy sitting at a table with his macbook writing a script about a time-traveling vampire who falls in love with a robot or Mormon werewolf or something while they’re being chased by Nazi cannibal zombies with chainsaws. Something Eli Roth wouldn’t be ashamed to direct. Or write. But he should. Be ashamed, I mean.

Also, “The Coffee Cup” is the title of tonight’s episode, and I’m not quite sure that’s the title of a Sondheim song, but whatever. I’m not going to get into that. Angie’s standing at the counter, just, you know, greeting the morning, waiting for her cuppa joe, ready to get things started and — oh, shit, in walks Homewrecker Mayer (a.k.a. Julie) who tries to make small talk about caffeine, and you know what? Even if she didn’t sleep with my husband and was desperately trying to avoid that by making excruciating small talk, I’d still turn around and tell her to shut the hell up. Perky is not cool, you guys. Angie’s like, Hey Slut, don’t try to pull that crap with me cuz I KNOW you played the bang-bang game with my husband, so when you see me, you need to act ashamed and keep the comments to yourself. Then she makes Julie pay for her coffee. Nice.

Damn. I just dropped out of college. I was gonna ask to borrow two dollars.

Over at Lynette’s, she’s wearing Tom’s clothes so she can hide the twins. And I don’t mean boobs, I mean twins. Actual twin fetuses. Feti? No, fetuses is right. Tom’s like, “Hey, I was going to wear that to class today.” Were you? Were you, Tom? Because I’m pretty sure you were going to wear a gray or dark gray Fruit of the Loom pocket tee. Am I right, folks? Tom’s says he’s still attracted to Lynette in men’s clothes, and “what does that mean?” Look, Tom, it’s just like that thing that happened that time you were watching The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. It’s called an erection, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, okay honey?

Lynette says she’s got to pull off the hiding-pregnancy deal for two more days because then she’ll be making The Deal of the Century and once Carlos sees that, he won’t even consider firing her. Unless that deal includes the words “planned” and “parenthood,” I’m pretty sure he’s not going to be too cool with the pregnancy hidin’. Tom’s like, “Now come here, Mister. I wanna kiss you.” Lynette: “Now it’s weird.” Ha! Word.

No, you still can’t have an Oscar for Transamerica. Stop asking!

So, Gabby heads over to the confession at Our Lady of The Only Church Our Budget Allows, and tells the priest about her struggles with home-schooling and how she tried to “bribe” someone to get her daughter into Catholic school, and the priest is like, How’d that go? And then she pulls back the screen, throws the priest some money, and is like, “You tell me.” Gabby, Gabby, Gabby. If you’re trying to bribe a priest, you don’t use money. You use copies of Boy’s Life magazine. Hey-Oh! Gabby’s like, I can’t deal with the 2 year waiting list! Then they throw the money back and forth, and the priest’s like, You know if someone drops out, then maybe I can squeeze you in, but we do tend to help those who are, you know, active within the church. Gabby’s like, Oh I gotcha — you only want money if it’s in your little tithe basket. The priest says that’s not what he means.

Read my lips. Boys. Life.

Did you know Fairview has an opera house? Because apparently it does. Bree’s taking Karl to his first opera. Oh, wait, they’re walking back from the opera. They saw Madame Butterfly. It was so good Karl almost peed his pants. I mean, he liked it better than Pirates of Penzance. Actually, Karl hated it. Bree’s hair is looking really, really great right now. So Karl wants to mack on Bree, but she ain’t havin’ it because they agreed not to have sex for two weeks until the divorce crap is all settled or something. Because in Bree’s mind, that totally cancels out all the adultery she’s previously been partaking of.

Boreson’s at home, listening to something on his headphones, and when Bree comes in and asks him what he’s listening to, it’s — get this — Madame Butterfly. He takes his headphones out and plays it for Bree. Damn, what’s with all the opera tonight? Am I watching Frasier? No, it’s not witty or gay enough to be Frasier . . . Bree gets a little opera boner and has a mini opera-gasm while she longingly looks at Orson, and then she heads up to bed.

That whole death thing gave me a boner.

At Carlos’ office, Carlos, Lynette and Random Co-Worker Terrence (who totally looks like a douche) are on a conference call. Oh my gosh, you guys — the Florida branch is ready to open! I’m going to pause here so that you can go get that bottle of champagne or 40 year-old malt scotch you’ve been saving to celebrate! Oh, all our hard work, it’s finally paid off, I’m so sorry for getting emotional but it’s just so overwhelming. I mean, my god, the Florida branch! Finally!

News this good deserves to be shat on, and sure enough, Gabby arrives to pull her skirt down and squat over Carlos’s good day. Gabby’s all, Write a check to the Catholic church so that Juanita can go to Catholic school! Carlos is like, Uh, I’m kind of busy WITH WORK. Also, I wonder who’s watching her kids while she’s out and about? Meh, she probably just turned the gas on the oven, opened it, and told the girls to have at it.

Out in the hall, Random Co-Worker Terrence tells Gabby that St. Ursula’s is great, and that his daughter loves it there — she’s in the same grade as Juannie Sue. Hmmmm . . . Carlos needs to send someone to Florida . . . and the priest told Gabby that if a student dropped out Juanita may be able to get enrolled . . . If only there were a way Gabby could use this to her advan — oh forget it, you totally know what she’s going to do. Cut to:

Lynette in Carlos’ office saying, No, you can’t let Terrence move to Florida! I mean, geez, this is his first episode! At least give him a chance to get strangled! Carlos is like, You trained him, so he’s totally competent. And Lynette’s all, “What if I get hit by a bus?” Ah, so you’ve been reading my recaps, eh, Lynette? Carlos tells Lynette that Terrence is going to Miami and that’s final! Also, he adds, she may want to dress a little more womanly because Roberta in accounting asked him if he thought Lynette would want to go bowling some time. Sexist? Check. Homophobic? Check. Lame? Check. Funny? Meh.

Shirt on? Check. Boooooo.

Back at the park, Susan’s still picking up trash with the rest of the comm-serves. Who should pull up but Katherine, drinking from a soda cup. Yeah, we all know where this is headed. Susan, quick — run over and stab her in the eye with your pointy stick! Susan’s like, At the end of the day, bitch, I go home and let my husband, Mike, screw the crap out of me, so yeah, I win. Kathy’s like, Hey you missed something — and throws her cup out the window. Susan’s supervisor says that Kathy’s a “moron” (damn right) and that if he had her license plate number she’d be sorry. Susan: “Really? What could you do with her home address?” Nice. And then we cut to Katherine picking up trash alongside Susan.

Back at The Coffee Cup (ugh, it just pains me to type that, that’s how much I hate the name), Angie’s headed inside to get another mocha, when she sees Nick inside with some waitress, who’s brushing crumbs off his Kramer ensemble. So, we have opera, we have a coffee shop, we have Kramer shirts, what is this, Must-See TV Thursday 1996? Angie’s all, What the hell was that? And Nick’s like, She was brushing crumbs off me, is this how it’s going to be every time you see me with another girl? Oh hey, Nick decided he needed an accent this week, just so you know. Nick says he’ll go to counseling if she wants. Angie’s all, Oh yeah, let’s go tell our secrets to someone and then kill him. Aaaaahh! I legitimately, seriously want to know what their secret is! Angie wants Nick to be the way he used to be (so choose an accent and stick with it, ass): “The guy who saved my life, not the guy who destroyed it.” Aaah! What is their secret?!

Hitting on the cop at your husband’s murder scene. Sprint customers? Are all class.

Lynette and Tom invited Terrence and his wife, Crystal, over for dinner, you know, just for kicks with absolutely no ulterior motives whatsoever, because those are just the kind of nice people the Scavos are. Ah, no, sorry, I meant they’ve invited Crystal and Terrence over for dinner to shame and deceive them, because THATS the kind of people the Scavos are. Crystal tells Tom that she can’t wait for “no more winter” and Tom says well, there’s heat and hurricanes and “Columbian drug lords.” Oh, I’m sold! Lynette tells Terrence a horror story about some guy who left Fairview for Chicago who got blamed for a screw-up, became an alcoholic, and whose wife left him. Tom tells Crystal about how humidity would really mess up her hair — wow, Tom really DID turn gay in this episode. Lynette proposes a toast to Terrence and Crystal — “May Miami be everything you think it will.” The Scavos are evil.

Boreson is again at home, listening to Madame Butterfly and drinking wine, when Angie barges in and asks what the opera is about. Also, is it just me or is this the gayest depression ever? Wine and Madame Butterfly? I mean, crap, I sleep with dudes, but even I’m like, “Seriously?” Orson tells her that Butterfly is singing to get her lover back or whatever, but it doesn’t work, so she kills herself. Angie’s response: “You ever see ‘Avenue Q?’ With the puppets? Now, THAT’S good theatre.” Hee! Now I wasn’t sure about Angie at first, but she may just be the best one-season guest star ever. Oh, also, Madame Butterfly is a parallel to Boreson’s life or something.

He tells Angie that Bree’s always away on business but she never gets any bookings, and he thinks it’s because she’s having an affair. Angie poo-poos this, because she probably can’t imagine Bree having sex with anyone ever. Orson says he’s going to be gone on some golf trip and asks Angie to watch Bree for him, but she says no. Then, Orson says that’s probably for the best because if he found out Bree was cheating on him, he’d probably do something foolish, and to illustrate this point, he plays the killing-yourself aria from Madame Butterfly. Angie looks mildly concerned, but I’m sure most of her is thinking, “Oh just hang yourself with a paisley silk scarf already — the fans are so over you.”

So…how bout those Bears?

While Katherine and Susan are busy picking up used condoms and Felicia Tilman’s fingers at the park, a car drives by and blows dirt in Katherine’s face, and after coughing pathetically for a good 5 minutes, she admits defeat and begins crying, saying that she lost Mike and might as well admit it. It’s just that she loved Mike, and he was so great, and she’ll never find a guy who can make love to her 5 times a day. Susan’s like, Whaaaaaaaa?! Katherine’s like, Huh, maybe I didn’t lose after all. Oh, Katherine. Shut up. Just . . . shut up.

The next morning, Mike and Susan finish making love. I feel bad for Mike, having to conjure up those mental images of me just to get through it. Mike says that he needs to ask Susan what she wants for breakfast more often, Susan says “that [sex] sure beat a bowl of oatmeal,” and Mike’s like, “Are you kidding? That beat a waffle!” But did it beat a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity? No. I think not. Susan tells Mike they need to both call in sick and lay in bed naked all day. Doesn’t Susan work at home? Who would she have to call, herself? I’d actually love to see her do that:

Susan holds her cell phone to one ear, and her house phone to the other.

SUSAN: Hey, Susan, it’s Susan.

SUSAN: You’re late.

SUSAN: Listen, about that, I can’t come in today. I’m . . . sick. (Tiny, pathetic cough.)

SUSAN: Oh, please. You just had sex with Mike.

SUSAN: (Taken aback). How . . . How did you know that? Can you . . . Can you see me? (To Mike, panicking) Oh my god, she saw us!

MIKE: Well, yeah –

SUSAN: Shut up! She’ll hear you!

MIKE: What?

SUSAN: Listen, Susan, I don’t want to hear any excuses, okay? You called in sick 2 days last week, and we have a deadline coming up, and honestly, if this continues, I’m really going to have to think about your future with us.

SUSAN: No, I really am sick! I think I have . . . the swine flu. Or the bird flu. Or juvenile diabetes. Whichever one’s worse, that’s the one I have, so –

SUSAN: Susan! Get here now or you’re fired! Do you understand? Are you hearing me? (Pause.) I need you to say you’re hearing me, Susan.

SUSAN: I’m hearing you, Susan.

SUSAN: Good. Be here in five minutes. And bring me a Balance bar.

SUSAN: Fine. Goodbye.

(Susan hangs up both phones.)

SUSAN: God, what a bitch.

Annnnyyyway. Mike’s putting his shirt back on, which is always stupid. He says he has to go “fix Mr. Hinkle’s shower,” which is our code for when Mike comes over and we get it on til the break of dawn. UH, double up! — UH UH! Susan wisely attempts to take Mike’s shirt off again. We thank you, Susan. And Mike tries to put it back on which we do not thank him for, but then he takes if off again! And he and Susan are down for the count. Now, if I were Susan, I would be doing the same thing. But Susan, seriously — does it really take some stupid sex contest between you and Katherinsane to get you to want to do Mike all day and night? Have you seen Mike, Susan? Because I would just be naked all day long. All day long naked!!

That was fun. I’m gonna call Susan and tell her all about it.

Over at Our Lady of Bribery, Gabby offers the priest a hefty check and says that now that Terrence and his family are moving to Florida, that check may come in handy. Oh, but what’s this? The priest says that they aren’t moving to Florida, and then hugs Gabby, saying that when God closes a door he opens a window. But He doesn’t take the screen off, so be careful. Gabby uses the hug as an opportunity to get the check back. She’s so wholesome. God is looking down on her, wondering what he wrought.

Over at The Kitchen of Tomorrow, Bree is very satisfied with the cake she’s icing. Angie walks in with her recycled grocery bags full of groceries (I like the message this show sends — it’s great to strangle people, and kill them and bury them in a park, or cheat on your husband/wife/lover, or steal a junkie’s baby and raise it as your own, but by god if you do not recycle you are a monster!!). Angie drops this bomb: “Oh, by the way Orson thinks you’re having an affair.” And Bree ruins the cake. Angie: “But don’t worry! I told him there’s no way Bree’s whorin’ it up at some sleazy motel.” Ha! Okay, officially my stance: Katherine out, Angie in. Angie then says that Orson asked her to spy on Bree, but she said no. Bree thanks her for this, and maintains her steely composure . . . until she gets outside. She’s on the phone, yelling at Karl, telling him about this and how they shouldn’t see each other until after the divorce. And who should be seeing and possibly hearing this from a window inside? Betty Applewhite! No, just kidding, it’s Angie.

Gloves? These aren’t affair gloves! They’re cake gloves! And that can of Crisco is…for the roast beef!

Oh, crap, I forgot Susan had that art job at the school, so she DOES work outside the home. Whatever — I stand by my earlier scene. Also, I tried to wash my brain with bleach so I’d forget the abortion that was Desperate Housewives Season 5, so that’s why I forgot about that. Anysnooch, she’s home for lunch and wants to have a nooner with Mike, who’s like, “Can I bring my sandwich?” Ha! Loved it.

Lynette’s at home eating ice cream or cereal from a bowl resting on her pregnant belly, when all of a sudden, Gabby’s at the door. Lynette panics and grabs the only bulky thing she can find — a heavy parka. Hee. She tells Gabby she’s wearing it, “Because . . . fur is murder.” Hahahaha! Loved it. Gabby tells Lynette she talked to Crystal, who told her Lynette talked them out of moving to Florida. Lynette says she “merely pointed out the pros and the cons.” Gabby says she needs to fix it, because she needs Terrence out of the state. Lynette’s initial reaction: “Why? Are you sleeping with him?!” Ha! I’m sorry, but this episode is darn funny! Actually, you know what? I’m not sorry. I will no longer apologize for liking this show, darn it!

Gabby gives Lynette the skinny on her sitch, and Lynette’s like, You want this guy out just so you won’t have to home school your kid? Gabby: “Yeah, yeah, selfish Gabby, same old song, join in if you know the words.” Holy crap, this episode is recapping itself! But . . . where will I go? What will I do? I’ll just be sitting in front of ABC studios in a ratty coat and pee-stained pants, with a cardboard sign that says, “I’m not a bad person, I just need a recap” and asking passers-by if they can spare some sarcasm. Gabby is like, Lynette “are YOU sleeping with him?” Lynette breaks down and cries and Gabby hugs her, asking her why she’s so emotional, and then Gabby feels the baby kick, and the jig is up. Lynette opens her parka to reveal her belly, and Gabby is super disappointed that Lynette took the position from Carlos even though she knew she was pregnant and would have to leave it soon, and she’s especially upset because Carlos just started the company.

Now you’re gonna have to stay home and…homeschool my brat! YAY all solved.

It’s night, and Mike comes back home. Susan yells from upstairs, and Mike finds her in a black nightie on the bed. Mike’s like, Ugh, no more! “I got nothin’ left. When I hit my hand with a hammer today and cried, only dust came out.” Ha! Of course, Susan thinks Mike’s crying is sexy. Mike was hoping that tonight they could just cuddle. Susan’s all, “You can say it. I’m a lousy lay.” Hee. I’m gonna keep on saying it, this season belongs to Teri Hatcher (and I’ve never really been a Susan fan) and Eva Longoria Parker. Mike says he can’t do it again today, and it’s not Susan, it’s just “basic biology.” Then Susan tells Mike that he did it with Katherinsane 5 times in one day so he must hate having sex with her! Mike tells Susan that when that happened he and Katherine were snowed in at some ski place (um, you couldn’t, I don’t know, go skiing? In the snow? Because I’m pretty sure skis work in snow. I mean, I’m no expert, but I think you probably could have done that.) and they didn’t have anything to talk about, so they just boned away. “Sex is all [Katherine and I] ever had!” he yells. Susan is worried, but Mike says there was no connection with Katherine (well, except for the connection of a penis and vagina. Five times in a row.), but they have, like, love and junk. Susan realizes how much of a fool she’s been, and this is what, the 119th show, so this is at least the 113th time she’s realized this.

Karl shows up at Bree’s house in the middle of the night, but who should see Bree drag him inside? Angie, who’s taking a bag of what I’m guessing is generic burn ointment from Costco out of her car. Oh, remember — Orson’s out of town. Karl says he may have a way to fast-track the divorce. So, Orson’s still on parole, so Karl says if he violates his parole by, say, associating with a known felon, they can revoke the parole and send him back to jail. So all they need to do, Karl says, is get Orson in a room with some ex-con, take some pictures, and then . . . I guess bribe him with them. I thought they’d just show them to the parole officer themselves, but no. They’re not taking the low road — they’re taking the road under the low road, Unbelievably Evil A-Hole Blvd. Karl says he deserves a kiss, and although Bree is a bit hesitant given her born-again-virgin clause, the high of blackmail and threats causes her to give into temptation. Meanwhile, Angie runs up to the upper deck (Bree has an upper deck? Has that always been there? Wait. Maybe that’s Angie’s house.) and sees them making out, silhouetted through the blinds. And THEN, Orson pulls up. This is turning into a British farce. Minus the British. And maybe the farce, I have yet to decide that.

Top o the mornin’ to ya!

Angie gets on her cell phone, and calls Bree. Orson’s inside by this point. Bree’s cell rings from her bedside table, and Karl’s like, “Don’t answer that,” because it takes very little for him to go from boner to flaccid, and he’s kind of in a groove and doesn’t want to lose it. Bree’s phone goes to voicemail, Angie tries again, and this time Bree picks up. Angie tells her to get the man out of her room, Bree’s all, “There’s no man in my room!” And Angie’s all, Uh, great, because your husband’s home! Orson walks upstairs and . . . oh my. Um, Orson, honey? Did you borrow Bree’s cardigan? It’s okay if you did, there’s no reason to be ashamed, but I just wish you would ask first.

It’s always Easter in this house.

Orson enters the bedroom to find Bree in bed with pajamas on and a book, Karl’s clothes shoved under the bed. Her phone’s on the nightstand, but it’s still on, so Angie can hear everything. Karl’s on the Conveniently Built For This Episode Deck Outside Bree’s Room, and . . . oh my god. Are you guys seeing this? Are you seeing Richard Burgi’s perfectly sculpted chest? Because I am. I am seeing the crap out of that man right now, I can tell you that. I am seeing him nice and good. And, then we’re back to Orson. Oy. He says he’s coming down with a cold. Boy that guy just oozes virile sexuality, doesn’t he? Then Orson’s like, There are two glasses of wine downstairs, who was drinking the other glass, huh? Huh?! Bree’s just about to try an explanation, when all of a sudden, Angie calls from downstairs (remember she could hear everything from the Conveniently Still On Cell Phone of Bree Hodge). Angie comes in, all, “Well, I go home for 5 minutes to toss some clothes in the dryer, and you’ve got a man in your bedroom.” That Angie is one slick chick. Orson accepts this excuse, and goes downstairs for a glass of wine. Angie grabs Karl’s clothes, hands them to Karl and says that he’ll have to jump. Hoollld on a sec. Bree has a deck outside her bedroom that can only be accessed by climbing out a window? Me no get.

Bree thanks Angie, but Angie says that she did it for Orson. She’s all, “I defended you, I told him you had too much class for something like this!” Bree says it’s complicated. Angie tells her that it’s actually simple: Pick one. Let me add: Make it Karl. We all loved Orson in season 3, didn’t we? But this isn’t season 3 anymore, and Orson? He’s pretty much good-to-go. Bree says it’s so hard to choose, since Orson is blackmailing her and the sex with Karl is amazing and he makes her feel like a natural woman. Angie tells her to end things with Orson and start a life with Karl, but then Bree gets all weepy and says, “Orson loves opera . . .”

WHO CARES?

At work the next day, Carlos comes by to see Lynette. She asks if Gabby talked to him last night. She didn’t, but Carlos needs to talk to her. He says that he wants Lynette to run the Florida office, but she stands up and is like, “I’m pregnant.” Carlos says he knows. Lynette says that Gabby told him, and then Carlos gets all weird and continues to act like a robot with a bad haircut and says, “Nope. I would have remembered if somebody told me something like that.” Oookkkaaaay? Lynette says that he needs to send someone else to Florida, and she’ll stay here. Carlos: “Except I need you in Miami. And I don’t need you here. Not anymore.” Geez. Lynette is all, You can’t fire me if I’m pregnant. Ah, but see, Carlos is not firing you. He’s offering you a promotion, and, he adds, “if you choose to turn it down and quit instead, I can’t stop you. All I can do is say ‘good luck.’” Damn, Carlos is cold, y’all.

Back at The Coffee Cup, which I’m guessing is next to Fairview’s well-known eatery, The Restaurant Where You Eat Food, the crumby waitress is on the horn with her boyfriend, totally breaking up with him in front of Nick, who’s the only customer. He’s working on his novel, the one about the post-apocalyptic future where ficus trees have become sentient and are now masters of the human race. Sold! Art Student Waitress goes back to clean up.

Nick breaks out a pre-paid cell phone, takes it out of the package, and begins to dial. Um, maybe you wanna call the company from a land-line first? Set up your account? Geez. And who does he call with this magical, immediately ready-to-go cell phone? One Agent Padilla. Here’s Nick’s conversation: “Little memory quiz for ya. This is Black Owl. Damn, Chris, still sharp as a tack, huh? No, no, don’t ask me anything, don’t talk. This conversation will last less than 60 seconds, we both know why. I’m thinking about coming in. You interrupt me again, and I hang up. Now, here’s what you need to think about. I don’t care what happens to me, but I have to know she gets a pass. There’ll be no further discussion on this until that is firm. Next time you hear from me, you will have an answer to that question, and it better be yes.” Well, there goes THAT mystery. At least, part of it. And then he rips apart the cell phone. Uh oh, the waitress is back, but she says she didn’t hear anything. She cleans up the table and says she wants to go home. But someone’s looking through the window of the coffee shop from their car, and sees Nick and the waitress together (even though they’re not doing anything). But this cannot be good.

Wait. That’s not a Palm Pre, so how the hell did you get it in this town?

Mary Alice blahs again about The Coffee Cup. Where you can drink coffee. From a cup, in case you were confused. But tonight, there’s a special discount for employees: A strangling! Yes, that’s right, someone comes in, and right after the waitress says, “Did you forget something?” she gets the crap strangled out of her! Oh, dear. Did this show just become predictable? You be the jury. Cuz I’m the judge, beyotch. See you next time!

Next week: Ana returns, pregnant with Porter’s baby. Lynette decides to move to Florida (this will be Felicity Huffman and Doug Savant’s last episode). Katherine decides to move on from Mike, and goes for another married man — Carlos. Susan and Mike travel to China to adopt a baby girl. And Gabby tells Juanita that she loves her and is proud of her. But of course none of this is true because there’s no show next week! Gotcha! Happy Thanksgving, you guys! Have safe travels, over-eat, take a nap, and watch football and/or the parade and/or Meet Me In St. Louis, because that’s what Thanksgiving is all about! (If you’re not in America, then have a great next Thursday. It doesn’t sound as good, but it’s just as sincere!)