Desperate Housewives: Attack of the Literal Party Crasher!!

This week on Desperate Housewives: It’s the disaster episode you’ve been waiting for all year long! Lynette and Gabby continue the snipery regarding the whole subpoena thingie. Katherine goes cuckoo when her daughter returns and Susan fills her in on the truth. Bree finalizes things with Orson, who finds out about her and Karl, and his testicles actually descend a little bit. I know! Angie gets blackmailed by a nurse. And what else — oh, yeah, a plane crashes on Wisteria Lane and kills someone(s)! Who will live?! Who will die?! Who will endure my entire recap?! These are questions that have yet to be answered.

Whoever died used Palmolive, I can tell you that much. Lovely hand!

Before we get into it, I want to thank you guys SO much for your comments on last week’s episode. Wornsey, Clair, marijai, LauraK, See-Jay, juddfan – you guys are what makes recapping worthwhile. Well, that and a good Lynette-is-a-stone-cold-bitch joke. I am especially thankful to marijai and See-Jay for bringing my attention to the whole Orson/Mike thing (in which Mike is a felon, therefore why did Bree pay another — black, mind you — person to appear with Orson?), which I sadly did not even think about. All of you guys brought up awesome and valid points and I hope you continue to comment, because I do ever so love discussing this show. Right. So enough of the love, eh? Let’s get to the hate.

You’re fat! You’re old! You have a tiny penis! You do too! You look like Mr. Rogers! You look like a fat Patti LuPone! You have a tiny penis! You do too!

By which I mean Mary Alice, of course. You guys, I know that she’s an integral part of . . . um, season one . . . but all she ever talks about is the suburbs and secrets and you know what? It bugs the hell out of me. Tonight, she blahs about how Daphne Bicks is a big whiny beyotch, and so her husband Jeff (played by Homer Simpson’s voice Dan Castellaneta!) hires her to help him at his work. Where does he work? Yeah, he’s a pilot. And Mary Alice also says that he sometimes prays to God to end his suffering, which is exactly what I do after a meal at Carlos O’Kelly’s. Mary Alice says that “luckily God had a plan.” I sure hope nothing bad comes of this . . . and I sure hope it doesn’t result in the death of Katherine. Except that I kind of do. Kind of REALLY do.

Anysnoochies, these two lovable Lockhorns argue about Christmas while flying over the great U.S. of A., and come to find out, Jeff hired a divorce attorney. Well, if you’re going to tell your wife that you want out of your marriage, there’s no better convenient place than in a cramped metal box 10,000 miles above the surface of the earth, if you ask me. Annnnnd of course this goes over so well with Daphne, who is all, I’m gonna take your airplane business and sell it cuz you used dad’s money to start it you stupid a-hole! Jeff’s response? A heart attack. Or a stroke. Or the onset of horrible diarrhea. Any way you want to slice it, it ain’t good, since it means Daphne has to land the plane, and Daphne? Not really an experienced flyer. Annnnnd it just so happens they’re flying over a nice little cul-de-sac in California the Eagle State. I guess there’s some sort of holiday bazaar on Wisteria Lane, and Tom says to Parker, “Is it just me, or is that plane flying really low?” Parker says he thinks it’s going to crash. Oh, the humanity!

It’s heading straight for Nicolette Sheridan!

After the credits, it’s three days earlier, and it’s Tacky Christmas Crap Week on Wisteria Lane as people put up giant plastic candy canes, obnoxious trees, giant nutcrackers (gay Lee seems really into the nutcracker, which we do NOT find ironically titillating, Cherry! We do not!) and other obnoxious crap for their “annual Yuletide festival.” Yeah, I’m so not into Xmas, so this episode will most likely kill me.

Seems that Lynette and Gabby are still fighting over that whole silly thing about how Carlos basically fired Lynette for lying and being pregnant so she served him a subpoena. Bree’s like, We’re going caroling later and we can’t have our two “jingle bells” fighting and ohmigod there’s already too much Christmas crap for me to handle. Then, in the span of 1.5 seconds, everyone finds things out: Lynette sued Carlos?!? Carlos fired Lynette?!? Lynette’s pregnant?!? With twins?!?! Susan knew about it?!? Lee’s sweater is hideous?!?

Yes. All true.

Susan says that everyone could use some Christmas cheer what with the stranglings and Danny’s suicide attempt. Which, actually, for Wisteria Lane, this has been a pretty good year. I mean, the only person that’s died is a girl who didn’t even live on the street, so deck the halls bitches, cuz Santa’s comin’ to town.

An ambulance rushes over to Katherine’s house, and Mike’s like, “I was just there.” Ohhhh, all kinds of bullshit I call, people. Totally, totally call it. On the last episode, NO ONE was decorating, and there sure as hell weren’t any giant freaking candy canes and nutcrackers lying around, so no, Cherry, just no. Do you think no one will notice things like that, Cherry? Hmmmm? Because we do. Mike appears to be wearing the same shirt, though. Geez, Cherry, did you even discuss it?:

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Um, Mr. Cherry?

CHERRY: Ugh, what, hurry, I’m extremely busy making once-liked characters extremely dislikable and killing off fan favorites. What is it?!

P.A.: Sorry, Mr. Cherry, but don’t you think people will notice that there weren’t any giant santa houses and junk last week?

CHERRY: Oh, no one will notice. Just put Mike in the same shirt or something.

P.A.: To be perfectly honest, sir –

CHERRY: I didn’t hire you to be honest! I hired you to bring me cocoa and chicken wings!

END SCENE

Now bend over. I wrote on the Golden Girls, dammit!

Mike tells Susan and Orson that Katherine was acting strange (ya think?!) and McCluskey comes over to tell everyone that the cops said that Katherine told them she was stabbed, and Mike’s like, “Who would do that?” Um, I would. And then Katherine, on the gurney, points to Mike, and he’s all, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Yeah, Mike, I’m with ya. I’ve been saying that this whole season so far.

Over at the hospital, Expendable Nurse from last week comes in to check on Tyler Danny. But when she calls him Tyler, he’s like, My name’s Danny, okay? At the front desk, the receptionist tells Nick and Angie that she needs their insurance information, which they obviously don’t have, and Angie’s like, “We don’t need a hand-out!” Right. Because a trip to the hospital is so affordable if you don’t have insurance. Expendable Nurse pulls them aside to tell them that she knows what’s up with them: Apparently, she was able to put together the limited amount of clues available to her and knows they’re in the witness protection program.

Wow. Kathy Najimy aged really quickly.

At Bree and Boreson’s house, Bree serves Orson a cinnamon roll, some coffee, divorce papers, and incriminating photos of Orson with a felon. Ah, breakfast — the most important and emotionally devastating meal of the day. Bree says she wouldn’t have needed the photos if Orson hadn’t threatened her with jail, and Orson’s all, I was bluffing and you could have walked away at any time, and the mere fact that you think I could have been so cold as to have done all that, well, pretty much sucks. Orson says he’ll pack after breakfast, and you guys, I’m kind of sad . . . until Orson says, “These scones you made are delicious. I’ll miss them,” and then I’m right back to Orson-hating.

At the hospital, Susan walks down the hall with good ole Sexier Than a Gay Porn Star Bob. Take off your shirt, you hot bastard! Bob says that Susan may want to get friendly with Katherine because she can put Mike away for a long time. Katherine’s in her hospital bed, on the hospital phone with Dylan, her daughter, who may or may not be coming down to see her. Also, she’s not really Katherine’s daughter, if you remember. Ah, season 4, when Edie was still sluttin’ around the cul-de-sac and Katherine didn’t annoy me more than Carrot Top. Those were the days.

Susan tries to convince Katherine that she’s delusional and that she’ll be sending a father to jail for something he didn’t do, but Katherine’s all, I have fingerprints and evidence! Needless to say, Susan’s not too happy with this, and when Bob later says that only a family member can commit someone, Susan’s all, Ahhhhh there we go. So she gets the nurse/receptionist to call Dylan back on the phone, and then rather hilariously fakes a British accent (the doctor’s British, I guess, but so was the nurse/receptionist so I’m a bit befuddled) to get Dylan to come to town. Am I the only one who is absolutely loving Susan this year? Teri Hatcher’s kind of doing an awesome job in the hilarity department, and I kind of hope she gets nominated for some Emmy goodness.

China Beach? It’s Dana. Just wanted to be reminded that I once possessed dignity. Hello? Hello? CHINA BEACH!! DID YOU HANG UP ON ME!?!?!?

You know who I’m not loving this year? Lynette. She’s clipping coupons with her daughter, and trying to hide the fact that she can’t remember her name. Penny asks if they’re poor, and Lynette’s like, “Only financially.” Hate to say it, Lynette, but you really don’t have a lot in your emotional bank account, either. Wait, no, I didn’t hate to say that. I rather enjoyed it.

Tom breaks the news that he can’t get a refund on his tuition, and then says that they’ll run out of money before Lynette gives birth to little Peter and Patrick. Or Petunia and Poppy. Or Pepe and Pepita. Or Pringle’s and Pepsi. Whatever “P” names she’s going to give them. Here’s a riddle for you: What’s scarier than a plane crash in a cul-de-sac? Lynette apologizing! Aaaaaaaa! But she does, to Tom, for getting them into this mess, and says she really screwed up, and even if they win the lawsuit, the money will be tainted with the scent of screwing over your best friend. That’s what my money smells like.

Tom tells Lynette that she should suck it up and make things right. Speaking of sucking, Carlos’ hair enters his kitchen and tells Gabby that because of the lawsuit, he could lose his job — whether or not they win. Lynette comes over to apologize, but Gabby slams the door in her face, and Lynette almost gets beheaded by a wreath hanging on the door. Merry Christmas, you stupid harpy!

WHO WEARS THIS?!?

Bree’s on the horn with Karl, talking about how Orson signed the papers, which means that her vagina is now open for business again. Nothing gets Bree hornier than litigation. Except maybe guns and the sad, salty tears of Glenn Beck. So, she’s all set to meet Karl at the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn — but wait, oh no, Orson catches her in the act! Oh, dip. Orson gets PISSED and starts yelling at her, throwing things around, calling her a “stupid slut” — no, sadly, not really. Since his testicles have long since retreated to their panic room, he just packs up a few things and says he doesn’t want to know who she’s sleeping with, and he’s leaving the morning after the holiday extravaganza. Bree says that she won’t go public with her affair until after the divorce is final, and she’ll tell people that she didn’t start seeing her dude until they were separated. Orson’s like, “You really should write an etiquette book for adulterers.” Insert timely and lame Tiger Woods joke [here]. Bree looks like “Hung Up” era Madonna today.

Play one chord over and over on a guitar. You know you want to!

Oh, for the love of Pete — guess who hired Jeff and Daphne to fly over Wisteria Lane with a banner attached to their plane that says, “Bree will you marry me? Love, Karl”? Well, Karl, yeah. Sorry, I kind of gave that away. I’m sure Bree won’t find that tacky at all, Karl. Douche. Daphne’s all, “Good luck Mr. Mayer,” but the way she pronounces it is “MY-er,” and I have to say that I am annoyed how inconsistently pronounced that last name is on this show. It’s MAY-er, Cherry. Make a memo, send it around. No no, don’t get up. You can write it on the moist toilette that came with your chicken wings.

Hey! I wrote on Golden Girls!

Daphne and Jeff obviously do not have a happy marriage, and Karl’s like, “For what it’s worth, I’m a divorce lawyer,” and Karl gives him his card. Get it?

It’s Dylan! And she is NOT happy to see Susan, for obvious reasons . . . except not, since she drops this deuce of a bombshell: “Get over Mike — he married my mother!” Wha?! Oh, Katherine. Katherine, Katherine, Katherine. Hate, hate, hate. You, you, you. So, pretty much Katherine told Dylan what happened, except she reversed the roles of herself and Susan, so Dylan thinks Katherine married Mike, and Susan made the scene at the wedding, and then stabbed Katherine. Susan tells Dylan that they need to talk, and we cut to the two of them flipping through Susan’s wedding book. Dylan is taken aback, not only by Susan’s hideous wedding dress, but by the lies that her mother has told her. Well, to be fair, Dylan, she sort of set the bar for truth when she raised you as her own daughter and lied about that whole Romanian orphanage thing. So, yeah, par for the course. Susan says Katherine needs help (um, or a lobotomy), and so does Mike.

Back at the hospital, Nurse This Is Probably My Last Episode tells Danny that he’s being released. Yay! Um, wait, why is she driving him home herself? Isn’t that a conflict of interest? And then she opens her big fat gob and blabs about the witness protection thing and how it must be so hard to live like that. Danny’s like, if you say anything, they’ll throw my mom in jail, and then he’s all, “Ever since 9/11 the feds are hardcore on any terrorist stuff, even the old cases. If they find her, she’s dead.” Wha?! I thought Angie just whacked a guy with a box of spaghetti noodles and then set his house on fire or something. Terrorist?! Well played, Cherry. Well played. Go ahead — have some more bleu cheese with your wings. You deserve it. For now. Back at the terrorist cell, Angie’s putting up Christmas decorations when Danny comes home. He tells her that he messed up and told Nurse No Boundaries everything. Oh, crap.

But apparently, Nurse Plot Device is still waiting in her car outside, so Angie pays her a little visit. She tells the nurse that Danny’s acting so crazy because of the suicide attempt and that he wants to lash out at them, so he makes up stories. Yeah, believable, Angie. You might as well have told her that Danny was rehearsing lines for an off-Broadway play. Nurse says that she hates her job as she stares off into space, and that she’d get a new one if she could only get enough money for a year’s living expenses. Ooooh, you bitch. She says she’ll need $67,000 and with that, they’ll all be free.

With one year of vocal training and 8 min abs, I’ll totally take JLo’s spot. WHO NEEDS A REAL JOB?

Dylan’s at the hospital to see her mom, who says that she’s sorry Mike couldn’t see her at the house, but he’s away on business. Dylan says that she knows the truth and it’s not right for Mike to be in jail if he didn’t do anything, and as much as I hate Katherine this year, Dana Delany is knocking it out of the park right now — she’s fighting so hard to keep herself composed and not completely lose it, and I actually feel genuine pity for Katherine right now. Dylan asks her if Katherine stabbed herself, and Katherine says that Susan filled Mike’s head with lies, and then Susan comes in and says she wants to help Katherine. And then Katherine. Loses. Her. Shit. She runs out of the room and yells that she has to see Mike, and then the nurses have to grab her, and then she collapses and tells Dylan, “I told you not to come . . .” Wow. Sad. And yet, totally fulfilling.

Back at the airport, Daphne yells at Jeff and says that he needs to spend time with the woman he loves, and Jeff’s all, “I don’t know, would you be upset if I brought her?” Hee. Meanwhile, on Wisteria Lane, it’s the beginnings of the Christmas Craptacular, and the “Jingle Belles” choir, and Lee’s still bitter. Bob: “I can’t believe they wouldn’t let you sing with them.” Lee: “It’s their group, they can do whatever they want. Whores.” Ha ha ha! As they sing, Lynette and Gabby continue to argue, much to Bree’s chagrin, and then things get physical and out of control, and before you know it, Bree does a face plant. Bree says they’re fired from the Jingle Belles, which I doubt either of them care about. Lynette tells Gabby that she was trying to apologize, and life’s been hard ever since she was fired. Gabby: “Why don’t you slip your cankles into my shoes and walk a mile.” Ha! Ahahahaha! Awesome. Bottom line, they’re not going to make up any time soon.

Swingtown.

Back at Angie “Al-Qaeda” Bolen’s house, Nick and Angie discuss the $67,000 question. Angie thinks about selling her ring. And back at the Holiday Hellhole, Karl, with his eternal boner, walks up to Bree and talks about doin’ some sexin’. Bree says that Orson doesn’t know about them, so he needs to keep it in his pants, and who should walk up to them? Betty Applewhite! No, just kidding. It’s Orson, of course. He says the jig is up, and he knows . . . that Karl is trying to represent Bree in their divorce. Nothing gets past Orson! Except everything. Ugh, Orson, just go steal a holiday sweater or something. Karl then tells Bree that her present is unfortunately being delivered by air, so people are probably going to find out soon about their affair. Or, you know, die in a fiery inferno. Karl gets on the horn to cancel that little present. Meanwhile, up in the air, Daphne’s having a few issues. Like her passed out husband. And the fact that she’s not really a pilot. Oh, disasters are hiLARious!

As the plane descends, Daphne’s on the radio with someone. She’s released the banner and is now looking for a place big enough to land. How about Bree’s forehead? Oh, yeah, I totally went there. But there aren’t any places to land! Karl leaves a message on Jeff’s machine, telling him to stop the whole banner thing. Oh, Karl, you silly goose, you don’t have to worry about that now! But you may have to worry about dying in a ball of fire with the rest of the residents of this dirty, filthy cul-de-sac. Bree overhears this and he lets it slip that the banner was a proposal. Bree says she has to warn Orson, but Karl says he’ll take care of it. Meanwhile, Orson looks up in to the heavens, searching the sky for his dignity. Where did it go, Orson? Where did it go? Karl pulls him into Santa’s house for a little mutual soft kissing and some healthy sexual experimentation. Or an explanation. Karl lets it slip that he’s the one dating Bree, and Orson hilariously punches him in the face a couple times mid-sentence. Hee. Karl tells Orson about the banner, and then Orson whacks him with a candy cane.

Celia (!!) Solis comes up to Lynette, and says hello. Dude, this is the most she’s said in a year, she’s totally dying. I called it. Lynette asks her if she wants to go see Santa, but Gabby pulls her away. Nurse Extortion walks by Angie’s house, and Angie meets her with an envelope, which Nurse thinks is a little light. Turns out the best the Bolens can do is $10,000 and Angie’s grandmother’s wedding ring. Sad. Nurse leaves in a huff, and says that she knows that Angie killed someone and got off scot-free, and Angie’s like, “Is THIS scot-free?” and shows her her burn marks, which I had totally forgotten about, by the way. Angie begins to tell Nurse the whole story, which we’re obviously not going to hear. Damn you, Cherry!

Joey did this to me!

Bree overhears Orson and Karl’s passionate love-making in the Santa Shack, so passionate in fact that a reindeer falls off the roof. Karl’s totally a power-top, by the way. Hey, what’s that . . . what’s that weird sound coming from the sky? Is it Mary Alice again? No, it’s less mechanical . . . and less annoying. Bree runs into the Santa Shack to stop the fight between Karl and Orson. Back in front of Angie’s house, Angie ends her little story with, “And that was 18 years ago.” What was 18 years ago, dammit?! Nurse doesn’t even care and says that if Angie doesn’t come up with the money by tomorrow, she’s calling the police. Ten bucks says she dies, peeps. If this show has taught me anything, it’s that characters written in to specifically further the plot along die quickly and violently. Just ask Carolyn Bigsby. Oh, wait, you can’t, cuz she was shot to death in a grocery store. Man, that was a great episode.

And then we’re back at the beginning of the episode. Oh, crap, do I have to watch the whole thing again?! Oh. No. No, that was silly of me. Parker and Tom look up at the sky, and I kind of want Parker to die just for wearing that hideous tie with his shirt. Angie and Nurse run and argue. Mary Alice is up in purgatory, all, “Hey, isn’t it time for my patented end-of-the-episode annoying judgment? I’m pretty sure it is, sooooo yeah.”

The plane noise gets louder and louder as people just stand there wondering what the hell it is. Angie sees the plane behind Nurse and runs away, and Nurse is like, “You can run, but you can’t hide!” And then she turns around and the freaking wing of the plane crashes into her (although you only see her feet — lame)! I totally called it! But I can’t feel too proud because everybody else watching this show did too, and if you didn’t, then you, sir, are not a true fan of this show.

Plot twist. Mary Poppins.

Celia stands in front of the plane, clearly wanting to get out of her contract with ABC, but Lynette saves her at the last moment. And then the plane, knowing what would make me happiest, smashes into Santa’s Crap Compound and smashes the shit out of it. Yay! Mary Alice is all, “Hey, can I — Is it time? How about — Oh. Okay. Oh, good!” and then blahs about the “perfect Christmas” and how everybody wanted it, but something went “horribly wrong.” No, no, she’s not talking about the decorations, silly, she’s talking about the plane crash. And then we see a bloody hand hanging out of Santa’s Shack. Karl! Orson! Bree! Blitzen! Santa! Which one is dead?! I hate to spoil it for you, but it’s Santa. Santa’s dead. Tell your kids. Happy Holidays! See you in a couple weeks when we find out who didn’t make it!

So sad that even Lee changed into an uglier sweater.