Desperate Housewives: Puta Por Favor!

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan inherits a strip club from Karl. It sounds funny, but it’s really not. Tom goes back to work (again) for Carlos in Lynette’s place. Bree decides to take care of Orson, not because it’s the right thing to do, but because she doesn’t want to go to hell. Atta girl! Juanita is distressed when she finds out she’s Mexican. Ay carumba!

Karl gave me a pearl necklace. How many Hail Mary’s do I owe you?

Well, it’s time to go over Karl Mayer’s last will and testament. At least that’s what Mary Alice says, and you know that bitch don’t lie. Judge? Hell yes. Lie? No. At least not in the afterlife. When that ho was alive she lied more than a closeted Republican. But anyway, Karl left Julie some cash and securities (sweet). I wish Karl had left me his fine ass and chest and abs and junk, because I would TOTALLY score with that crap, you guys. I wouldn’t even be writing recaps because I’d be so busy drinking mai-tais at the villa in the French Antilles that my sugar daddy bought me. Because of my hot body. That Karl left me. In his will.

What did he leave Susan? Dignity? Common sense? The ability to correctly judge each situation, assess the consequences, and come to the conclusion that falling on things or ending up in ludicrous situations probably wouldn’t be the best idea? Ah, no. No, nothing like that. Instead, COMPLETELY opposite: a strip club. Strap yourselves in kids – Suzy Q’s gonna show off her ta-tas tonight! Credits.

To be fair, Karl was only co-owner of the strip club, Double D’s. Classy. And may I add, the strippers are probably the cleanest strippers you will ever see in your life. Like, they have all their teeth and don’t even have any c-section scars!

Come on! You might has well have put her in a sweater!

Susan meets with the other co-owner of the strip club. Even though this is Fairview, the guy has a Texas accent. Know why? Because he’s a strip club owner. Duh. Some girl comes up to Susan and starts to dance for her, very un-seductively. Susan tells her that she’s the co-owner now, and the girl introduces herself as Destiny. Also, this actress was hired because she can do an imitation of Britney Spears’s voice. Seriously. Ten bucks says that’s the only reason they hired her. She’s not a girl, not yet a woman, but definitely a whore. Destiny’s like, Susan Delfino . . . We have another Delfino who comes in here! Turns out? It’s Mike. Uh-oh Suzy-Q! Looks like Mikey’s gettin’ some strange.

I wonder if this woman ever dreams of getting cast on something deeper. Like maybe a Wells Fargo commercial.

Over at Tom and Lynette’s, Carlos and Gabby give them a 60-inch plasma TV and a remote control caddy, for, you know, shoving their daughter out of the way of a single-engine Cessna. Also, Lynette’s getting full paid maternity leave plus six-week’s pay after the baby’s born. Score. Lynette wonders who will pick up the slack, and Carlos says that he’ll have to cover her job and junk, and then Tom’s like, Hey I’ll fill in for Lynette while she’s gone! Carlos and Gabby are on board . . . but Lynette’s not. Of course she isn’t. But why exactly? Maybe because she’s kind of mean.

Let’s see here. So, over the course of this show, Lynette stayed home while Tom worked, then Tom stayed home while Lynette worked, then Lynette stayed home while Tom worked, then they both worked at the Pizza place, then Lynette worked while Tom stayed home/went to school, and now Tom’s working while Lynette stays home. Ugh, Cherry — give Lynette and Tom another bastard love-child or have another pedophile move in next door and enough with the Scavo Job Carousel already!!!

I’m pregnant.

Bree has her local minister over for scones, coffee, and the confession of adultery. She tells the minister that she has to do penance for her affair with Karl — i.e., a church bake sale and crap like that, but the minister tells her that the only way to atone is for her to set things right with Orson — i.e., taking him home and taking care of him. The minister tells her that she needs to do right, no matter how she feels about him, otherwise she won’t be able to live with herself. Bree is super-excited for that!

Oh, hey, I don’t know if you guys remember or not, but the Bolens have a kid. Named Danny. Remember? He was central to the plot-line like 2 months ago? I’ll wait while you think about it. No, you’re thinking of Billy Joe Armstrong, the lead singer of Green Day. Yes, there you go! Let’s move on. Wait, after I add this: WTF happened to Ana?! Seriously, Cherry. There has been NO mention of her in months. I’d even settle for Gabby or Carlos saying something like, “Hey, I wonder what Ana’s been doing since she ran away from home and moved to Minnesota with her friend Todd and is now working at the Old Navy at the Mall of America while looking for local modeling jobs?” See Cherry? It’d take like 7 seconds to tie up that loose end. But no. Instead we get treated to Danny and his friend Eddie telling Julie that Eddie will be doing stand up at The Chuckle Zone (10 bucks says that whoever came up with that stupid name is the same person who came up with the brilliant The Coffee Cup). Eddie’s like, “People are always telling me how funny I am.” Uh, sure, Eddie. Ah, Julie comes up with the perfect recap snark for this moment: “When people tell him he’s funny, doesn’t he realize THEY’RE being funny?”

Danny really wants Julie to go, but she’s gonna go back east with some sweet Daddy Karl Cash and visit some cousins. She asks Danny if he overdosed because of her. And Danny pretty much tells her that, partly, yeah. And Julie kind of takes that as a compliment. Geez. This is such passive-aggressive-depressive-emo poo. It’s like watching Bella and that other sparkly douchebag talk about their sparkly feelings in a sparkly forest. After they play sparkly baseball. Twilight sucks, is what I’m saying.

Stop making that face. You look like your mother.

Meanwhile, Carlos and Gabby are on a mission to re-edjumacate their daughter Juannie Sue. The principal of the private school they want to enroll her in says there happens to be an opening. Yay! Oh, but wait. There are some other families on the waiting list. However, it’d be sweet to have some diversity at the school, says the principal. Carlos says that they’re proud to be Mexican, but Juanita can shine on her own merits. Yeah, the Thanksgiving play was great evidence of that, lame-o. Why wouldn’t Carlos just say, “Sure!” and end this whole thing? Oh, probably because we’re only 12 minutes into the episode.

Juanita’s like, “We’re Mexican?” Way to home-school, Gabby. Juannie goes on to say, “So we’re like those people who sell oranges on the side of the road?” Ha! Ahahahaha! Oh, dip. Dip, dip, dip, indeed, Juannie Sue. Can we just stop the episode right here? Because it’s not going to get any better than this, including the (inevitable) scene where Susan, I don’t know, kicks some guy in the head while she’s on the stripper pole, or falls off the stripper stage onto some old Japanese dude’s lap or something. We all know it’s coming, Cherry. Anyhoozlebees, Carlos and Gabby hurry the hell out of that office, but not before forcing Juanita to say, “Adios, senor.” Hee.

Bree stares out the hospital window, contemplating her feelings and just about ready to burst out into a medley of Sondheim ballads, when the nurse wheels Orson into the room with her. Bree asks Orson about rehab, and Orson’s answers are cynical, which, given the fact that he just found out that his wife was cheating on him with the ex-husband of a friend, a plane crashed on him, and he’ll never walk again (until the end of this season, I’m betting) I’d be the same way. Bree says she’s here to take him home and nurse him back to health with love and care and various French pastries, but Orson’s like, “I’d rather be cared for by a flatulent helper monkey.” Hee. But we all know how that would turn out.

Bree says that she’s still Orson’s wife, but Orson says he’s proceeding with a divorce, and he’s super-pissed not just because she cheated, but because she cheated with Karl, who is “the most contemptible man” Orson’s ever known. Which, considering Orson was in a freaking prison, is saying a lot. Bree says that she’s handicappable-fitted the house, so Orson is coming home, and they can begin forgiving each other, and that’s that. I rather like paralyzed Orson, guys. If all he does is sit around all day and insult and take advantage of Bree, well . . . I’m okay with that. I’m SUPER okay with that.

Carlos and Gabby are driving Juanita back from the school, chiding her for not knowing that they’re Mexican. I mean, “We eat Mexican food all the time!” reasons Gabby. When they get home, Carlos tells Juannie Sue to go inside and play with her sister, whom apparently they’ve left home alone. Nice parenting. “Hey, Celia, sorry you almost died and crap, but mommy and daddy have to go to an appointment with our interesting kid, so you’re going to have to entertain yourself for awhile. Here’s a table saw, some broken glass, and bucket of bleach for you to play with.” Carlos and Gabby wonder how their daughter has grown up thinking she’s white . . . and then they look around at their neighbors, who look like they’ve just popped out of a L.L. Bean catalog. Why the hell do you think Betty Applewhite got the eff out of Wisteria Lane, you dopes? Not because of her abusive mentally handicapped son and her other handsome yet abusive murdering son, no — it’s cuz there ain’t nuthin’ but honkies up in here, beyotches!

Best shot of the episode.

Over at Susan’s, Mike comes home late from, I don’t know, helping out with Bree’s handicapable stuff. Susan needs a little cash to pay the paperboy, and offers to let Mike stuff it in her panties. Literally — she doesn’t say to him, “Stuff that twenty in my panties, Plumber Man!” but since she’s conveniently wearing just a t-shirt and panties, she offers up her knickers and is all, Isn’t that how you do it down at Double D’s? Mike says that he’s their plumber. That must be a bummer, trying to get all that meth and silicone out of the toilets, Mike.

Mike goes on to say that, yeah, sometimes he has a beer after he’s done snaking the pipes. If you know what I mean! Can I get a what-what, fellas? No? Fine, that’s fine. Screw you then. Mike asks if they can laugh about it or if Susan’s gonna “make it a thing.” Hi, Mike? Have you forgotten who you’re married to? Cuz she’s kind of a crazy ho. Just to refresh your memory. Then Susan forbids Mike to go, and Mike’s all, You can’t forbid me! Forbid!

The next day, Susan’s grabbing a little wine with Gabby, McCluskey, and Lee. Me likey this combo of people. Susan tells them about the Forbid-A-Thon last night, and Lee says he once went to a strip club called the Ass Menagerie (which, since it’s a pun on a Tennessee Williams play is pretty much the gayest name for a strip club ever), where a stripper named Cinnamon gave him a lap dance. Gabby says that men go to strip clubs to fantasize, which is what she does too. Susan’s like, “You fantasize about other men when you’re with Carlos?” Here’s how I would have phrased that, “You fantasize about other men when you’re with CARLOS?!?!?! Are you crazy, you dumb psycho whore?!” And then I would throw my drink in her face and walk off in a huff, drive over to Carlos’s office, tell him about what Gabby said, and then grind him like a fresh cup of coffee.

McCluskey says she fantasizes about Tom Scavo, and Lee’s like, “Fourth of July barbecue? Those tan shorts? I’m with you right now.” Ha! Oh, you guys, season 6 is kind of funny, right? Gabby says that you can’t forbid men to go to strip clubs, cuz they just do it. She asks everyone to agree, but Lee says he was just imagining Ricky Schroeder in Tom’s tan shorts. Everyone ponders this. It’s cute, but Ricky Schroeder is not, so I’ll just imagine Daniel Craig in tan shorts. There we go. Nice.

Besides, Ricky Shroeder was a child actor which is gross. He’s RICK Shcroeder now, perv!

Back at Julie’s house, Julie’s in her room, packing away some stuff with a friend. Wait, that’s not a friend — holy shit! It’s Ana! I’ll give you time to change your pants and spray some Spray ‘N Wash on your dirty ones. All clean? Let’s move on. Ana whines about how Danny is in love with Julie and not her. Julie says that Danny’s not really ready to be used by some underage tramp (look, she BASICALLY says that, okay?), and Ana says that she wouldn’t do that. Oh, but you so would, Ana Banana. Ana says that if Danny could just spend some time with her, then he’d see that they’d be so good together. Julie invites her to go see the comedy stylings of one Eddie Recurring Character. Wheeeee.

Back at the ole Scavo place, Tom comes home to find Lynette (and her underlying seething resentment for Tom) going through some matching twin baby outfits that people had given them before . . . you know . . . one of them died. Great, so this’ll be a depressing arc for these two. Let’s see how long it is before their faux-cheerful banter dissolves into hysterical angry fighting followed by a depressing and painful realization. In other words, just another day for the Scavos! Tom gives Lynette a copy of some draft or something he wrote — Lynette offers to take a look at it, but Tom says that Carlos told him is was like the best. Draft. Ever. Annnnnd Lynette’s insulted. Annnnnnd I’m not surprised.

Tom practices his subtle acting.

Over at Bree’s House of Handicapped Husbands, Mike is putting the final touches on Bree’s ramp up to the front door. Bree decides to call Orson to tell him that the house is ready. But what’s this? Orson’s already checked out? Whaaaaa? Long story short (too late) turns out that McCluskey and her boyfriend have decided to let Orson stay at their place, granted he pays rent, of course. And Orson’s already there. Bree asks how he’s going to pay, and Orson says that after the divorce settlement, he’ll write McCluskey a big fat check. But Bree says that there will be delays and injunctions and legal-y stuff, so a divorce could take years (could it? All Orson would have to do is prove that Bree was having an affair, it’s not like everyone doesn’t know about it. But whatever, Cherry. We’ll play it your way. But only because we have no choice.). So McCluskey’s like, Dammit — “Your wife loves you, go home.” So Bree wheels Orson out of there and into her house. When Orson passes Bree, he’s all, “My wife is keeping me hostage!” And Mike’s like, “We’ve all been there big guy.” He’s talking about Susan forbidding him from going to the strip club, right? Because I can’t remember Mike ever actually literally being held hostage by Susan or something, right? DH Gasmii, I’m counting on you . . .

Lynette decides to stop by her old office. Geez. She asks about Tom, and when Carlos says he’s doing great and is impressing people, Lynette’s like, Great . . . but when I pop out this kid, Tom’s out on his ass, right? Oh, so supportive. Carlos is like, “But I was under the impression that you’d want to stay home with your baby?” Touche. Carlos says that Tom told him that. Well! Lynette is not going to stand for this!

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for ALL season long: Eddie’s stand-up routine. Oh, hey, Porter’s there. So cute. Anyway, Eddie’s stand-up routine is painfully unfunny: I think they asked Cherry to write his material. I don’t think they asked him to make it completely unfunny, I think they just asked him to write how he always does, and then they ended up with this. Genius. Julie asks Porter to go with her to get her jacket (so that Ana and Danny can be alone). Danny gets up to use the bathroom, and Ana’s like, Why are you always running away from me, why aren’t you into me, waaaaaaahhh? Danny’s like, You’re conceited and dumb! And Ana’s like, You tried to kill yourself, Sylvia! And somehow, Danny is now interested in Ana. I don’t know either.

We’re both hot and self involved. Let’s be together 4ever.

Gabby’s making margaritas, and when Carlos asks what the special occasion is, she says it’s because Juannie Sue was accepted into the private school. Here’s what my special occasion would be for making margaritas: “Um, it’s a Wednesday? Or . . . because I have ice?” Carlos says he wants to take the kids to Jefferson Public in Mt. Pleasant, because there’s “a lot” of Latinos in Mt. Pleasant. So, what, 3? Gabby’s like, I don’t want her to go to school with “those” people, and then Carlos accuses Gabby of being ashamed of being Mexican. Oh my dear sweet lord. Isn’t season 6 a little late for this crap? Carlos says Gabby didn’t want the girls learning Spanish because she “doesn’t understand it.” Seriously? No, I mean, seriously? Sorry, not buyin’ it. Carlos calls her a “self-hating Mexican,” and then Gabby calls Carlos a “self-wiping Mexican.” Yup. My mind went immediately to poo, too. But no — Gabby throws her marg in Carlos’s face, so that’s what she means.

Oh, geez, Lynette’s at home, at the kitchen table, in the dark, waiting for Tom to get home, and all of a sudden it’s like this is some Ingmar Bergman movie. All that’s missing is the discovery of a mentally and physically disabled child upstairs. Wait, where’s Penny? Lynette tells Tom what Carlos said about Lynette staying home with the new baby, and Tom says that it might have been in her best interest. And when Lynette questions that, and says that she “hates being a stay-at-home mom,” Tom replies that since Lynette lost a baby, the baby might be more precious to her. Or something. Lynette’s like, “Oh. That’s how I’m supposed to feel.” Tom’s like, You never talk about it! Lynette: I’m dealing with it! Tom: No you’re not! Lynette: Fine, we’ll spend the rest of our life looking at one kid and wondering why there aren’t two, how can saying this out loud be helpful?! Tom gets completely defeated, and is like, “It’s not. You win. After we have the baby, go back to your job.” Tom grabs a bottle of wine and leaves, saying he’s not hungry for any dinner. Ohmigod, you guys, that was HILARIOUS! Oh, it’s good to laugh again!

I was planning on hating a disabled child during the day and now I have to plan on hating a healthy one? ARGH WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?

Speaking of hilarious, let’s head over to the strip club so we can get Susan’s stripping out of the way, mmkay? Mike heads into Double D’s and tells the owner that he got the call that the plumbing is backed up or something. The owner’s like, Well gosh durn, I ain’t gots ta know what yer talkin’ ’bout feller, since we ain’t got no ding dang plumbing problem. Mike says some lady called him about it . . . and . . . oh no. Oh no. No no no. The announcer announces “Ms. Vixen,” and who do we see on the stage? Why it’s our own little Suzy Q.

Now, look, I think Teri Hatcher is an attractive woman. I do. I mean, I don’t like women, but as a woman of her age, yes, she’s attractive. But this is just really sad and embarrassing for Susan. Mike’s pissed off, but Susan continues to teach Mikey a lesson about objectifying women or something. It’s not worth getting into, people. Mike forbids Susan to continue stripping yadda yadda yadda lesson learned. They go home.

For someone who hates stripping she sure knows how to work that pole. If she could only learn to not talk ever she’d be very successful.

Gabby’s putting a dress away in her closet when she notices an old shoe box. She opens it up to find not her jellies from 1982, but old family photos of her parents and herself when she was a kid. Turns out, she was poor (which we already knew), and she’s Mexican (which we already knew). Gabby says she wanted to get out of that poor town full of Mexicans (in which she never learned Spanish. Um, okay, Cherry). She reminisces about her dad and, I don’t know, churros, and Carlos says that Gabby’s dad sacrificed a lot to get her to where she is now. Yeah, and then he died when she was like, 10. Remember? Any writers or producers remember that? No? Yeah, not surprised. And then there’s more heritage talk, and Gabby agrees that she wants her kids to know about their Mexican heritage too. So, next week: Pinatas, fried ice cream, and Jarritos soda pop for everybody! Yaaayyyy! Ariba!

Let’s get next week over with so we can go back to being white.

And it’s another Bergman film as Bree and Orson eat soup in silence. So much resentment. Bree’s like, Orson, you have to talk to me. And Orson says that he talked to their minister, and he doesn’t like being Bree’s little charity case. Bree’s like, “It’s not charity work! When I had that affair I didn’t just betray you, I betrayed my faith as well. So please, you have to let me help you, or I’m –” “Or you won’t get into heaven?” Orson says, cutting her off. Orson says that since it means so much to her, he can find a way to be happy. Bree says she’s going to take such good care of Orson. Whatever. Orson says his soup is cold, so Bree trades with him, and while she’s up, could she get Orson a glass of wine? And maybe some creme brulee for dessert? You know, since he can’t walk and all. Oh, and they’re out of vanilla beans, so Bree may have to run to the store. Hee hee hee. Nice, Orson. You may have lost your legs, but you gained a fan. And isn’t that what really matters? Of course, I bet I get tired of your crap and start complaining about it three episodes from now. Cuz that’s how I roll, right Gasmii?

Mary Alice is gonna break it all down for us, cliche-style. This week, it’s all about what’s underneath (isn’t it always?). Whether it’s about boobie under some stripper’s bra, or stripping away someone’s dignity, or preconceived notions. Or something. We don’t really care, Mary Alice — we just know that when you start to talk, we’re only about ten seconds away from being able to use the bathroom. So, this was the second episode in a row with no Katherine airtime, nor any mention of her, so I’m willing to bet Dana Delany’s contract won’t be renewed for next year. Sorry, sweetie, but at least we’ll have a good 5 more episodes of your crazy ass this year.

Tom is drinking because people have…SECRETS.

Next week: Katherine comes back and goes on meds (finally!); and Juannie Sue and M.J. might be stupid. That’s what Wikipedia says, at least.