This week on Desperate Housewives: Having firmly established both the plot and the repercussions of the plane crash, we’re treated to one of those episodes of the show where nothing really happens and everything is supposed to be funny. The operative phrase being “supposed to be.” Gabby and Susan have a falling out over the learning abilities of their kids; Orson pushes Bree over the edge (not literally, since he can’t walk); Katherine gets some therapy and medication; and Tom and Lynette disagree about therapy.
Bree would never eat a waffle, I’m sorry.
Mary Alice tells us how to put on the best dinner party possible. Obviously, the best way to make a dinner party successful is to have gay guys host it. And I don’t mean Flipit and myself (although we would host the most KICK ASS dinner party ever), I mean Bob and Lee. Sure, they aren’t as attractive as Flipit and myself, but they’ll do. Anysnooches, Bob and Lee have Lynette and Tom over for dinner. Gee, I sure hope Tom and Lynette don’t ruin the evening by yelling at each other. Nah, that’s not possible . . . is it?
Actually, it’s Bob and Lee’s turn to argue, since Bob forgot to pick up whipped cream, which leads to an argument about jobs, which leads to Lee writing down his feelings in his “feelings journal.” Hee. And Tom’s like, Maybe we should go to therapy, Lynette. Which Lynette love love loves! Except not. Credits.
Thank you for a gay couple scene, Cherry. Just don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate you ever.
Over at the Fairview Health Center, Dr. Avedon is treating Katherine, whose hair is like 4 feet longer than it was when we last saw her. Kathy Jo blahs about her situation with Mike, and how one day she started pretending that she was the one married to Mike, not Susan. Is medication helping? Dr. Avedon asks. Basically, yes, although she now has diarrhea, night blindness, vomiting, dizziness, trouble breathing, feline AIDS, the onset of juvenile diabetes, and can’t operate heavy machinery. Blah blah Katherine’s getting better blah.
Mental Health Insurance covers extensions. Sounds reasonable. That’s called a Cadillac plan.
Over at The Can’t Walk Compound, Bree wants to give Orson a bath. But Orson’s not ready for a bath. Instead, he wants Bree to run to the store to get him some CornNuts. Plain or BBQ? BBQ!! But Bree JUST went to the store! Orson doesn’t care. Basically, Orson is taking advantage of Bree’s guilt, and I say, good on ya Orson.
At the school, Gabby comes over to talk to Susan (she’s an art teacher’s aide, remember?) about how great it is that Juanita’s back in school, so Gabby only has to love her from the hours of 3pm-7am. Sweet! Susan tells Gabby about the animal grouping system in math class: Kids are divided up between chipmunk, giraffe, and leopard. Juanita’s a leopard, and through some minimal prodding, Gabby finds out that Susan thinks the leopard group is the slowest group. Because, in the animal kingdom, leopards are eaten by chipmunks, who are in turn eaten by giraffes. It’s the circle of life. Susan doesn’t know for sure though, and is basing this off the art projects. Which is dumb. But it’s Susan, so there you go.
Any parent that would let their child be educated by Susan is a leopard.
Continuing with this episode’s tradition of having each scene last no longer than 2.5 minutes, we’re back at Tom and Lynette’s house. Lynette says dinner’s ready! Yay! Pot roast with a side of shame, emasculation for dessert. Yum. Turns out, Tom’s writing down his feelings in his own feelings journal. Lynette’s all, I bet if we took a shot every time you’ve written “Lynette” in that thing, we’d be drunk by page 2! Also, you’d probably kill your other baby, Lynette, so let’s put a kibosh on the drinky-drinky, mmkay? Tom says that if Lynette wants to know what he’s writing, she can join him in therapy.
Weren’t you just thinking that you’d LOVE to be able to see some scenes from a plot you didn’t care about? At all? Well, you’re in luck, my friend, cuz Ana’s over at Danny Bolen’s house for dinner! Isn’t that amazing? And tedious? Yes. Yes it is. Angie spent all day making rigatoni and chicken parmigiana for this special, yet incredibly boring, occasion. But Ana just wants salad. You don’t win friends with salad, Ana. Angie’s not too happy with this. But wait — there’s more. Ana has to watch her weight because as soon as she graduates from high school she’s moving to New York City to become a model. That should really work out for her, because I think she’s the only girl in America who has that dream. Please. Show me a girl who’s like, “I’m going to move to Cleveland to become a receptionist in a chiropractor’s office!” Now THAT is a dream that can come true.
If you’re really serious about being a model, you would eat three plates of that rigatoni and then quietly throw it up, like a pro.
Angie doesn’t like the fact that Ana doesn’t want to go to college, but Ana says that you should follow your passion. Ah, to be 18 again and believe that that’s actually true and possible. Also, it turns out Danny writes poetry. And it also turns out that I have a sample:
leafy tears of shame
I hear them at night
When I should be sleeping
And not worrying about
the fact that
have not yet descended
Moving, moving stuff, Danny. Powerful. Evocative. Crappy. All this poetry stuff is news to Angie, of course, and when Ana tells her that she keeps telling Danny to move to NYC with her to really “focus” on his writing, Angie’s a little skeptical about that. Why, Angie? It sounds like a perfectly reasonable and well-thought out plan.
Since when do you know how to make words? This is not how I raised you!
Back at Paraplegia Place, Bree tells Orson that she won’t be home this afternoon, so he’s gonna have to let the physical therapist in by himself. Bree serves a waffle to Orson, who’s all, Orsy want strawberries! Orsy want whipped cream! Orsy want, Orsy waaaannnt! Bree’s like, Sure thing, A-hole – just say please. Orson refuses, so Bree sets the waffle-plate on top of a high shelf where he can’t reach it. I have never seen a more prime example of Bitch Enabling than Orson and Bree Hodge.
At the school, Gabby’s talking to the principal about how Juanita doesn’t belong in the slow group — if the slow group is indeed the leopard group. And then she tries to get the principal to tell her which group is the slow group. The principal is like, Can’t you just be proud of your daughter? Um, obviously you’ve forgotten who you’re talking to, Principal Three-Lines. In the hall, Juannie Sue’s made some friends — one is a chipmunk, the other a giraffe. No, not literally, doofus. Gabby’s like, I would love to take a picture of all of you, so hold your math assignments so I can see them in the photo too! Subtle, Gabby. The kids tell Juanita that her mom is really weird. Juanita’s like, Bitch, please, you have NO idea.
I guess Bree left the door unlocked at the Handicap Hacienda, because the physical therapist just walks right in and finds Orson on the floor. Oh, you guys, what happened? Do you think he’s seriously hurt? I sure hope he — oh. Oh, I see. So you think he’s just pretending to be hurt to get back at Bree? How DARE you! How dare you insinuate that! He tells the therapist that he was just trying to reach his Shelf Waffle. Cut to the therapist yelling at Bree for hiding food from Orson, and Orson being completely over-dramatic and asking Bree not to hit him anymore. How about I just hit you instead, Orson? The therapist tells Bree that Orson’s just lashing out because he’s coping with being handicapable, and Bree has to find a way to deal with it (alcohol?) or else she’s going to have to report Bree.
I will report you to the handicap union if you don’t stop this shelf torture.
Angie’s over on Bob and Lee’s porch to deliver a package to Lee. Lee insinuates that it’s some sort of sex toy. Or cleaning product. You can never tell with The Gays, can you? Anyway, they see Ana and Danny (whose celebrity hybrid name would be Danana, which I love so much that I’m going to be using it from here on out) walking across the street, no regard to traffic, and Lee’s like, Someone’s got a new girlfriend! And Angie’s all, Not if I can help it. And then Lee says that Ana’s the 18 year-old with the smokin’ bod, so Angie doesn’t have a chance. He then goes on to say that if Angie keeps telling Danny about how much she hates Ana, then that’s just going to make Danny want her more.
Carlos is in the kitchen, wearing a shirt. Has he even been in as little as a wife-beater since season 3?! Cherry! Put down the danish, and the fritter, and the Hostess fruit pie, and the Hostess pudding pie, and the Cinnabon, and pay attention! Shirtless men — that’s pretty much all we care about! And since you killed off Karl “Take My Shirt Off Once Per Episode” Mayer, we’re gonna need you to step it up. So put down the long john, and the Moon pie, and the brownie, and the Hickory Farms beef log, and write us some shirtless scenes already! Geez. Gabby comes in to show Carlos the photos she took: Turns out Juanita’s math assignment is the hardest (according to Gabby, who, let’s face it, isn’t exactly Stephen Hawking), so yay — cuz Juanita’s a leopard and leopards are the smart group! Oh, but Gabby would hate for Susan to find that out. Except not at all.
I can’t wait to tell Susan that Juanita’s a Leopard and MJ’s a Windows Vista.
Back at the Fairview Mental Center for Secondary Characters Whose Contracts Probably Won’t Be Renewed cafeteria, Katherinsane ponders whether or not to get a brownie. Hurry up, Katherine — Marc Cherry is walking this way! Gah! McCluskey! She’s right behind Katherine! McCluskey came to visit Katherine. Awwww, so sweet. Katherine’s worried that people won’t forgive her, but McCluskey says that maybe people will be willing to forgive, and then Katherine storms off. And then McCluskey eats Katherine’s apple sauce.
Susan’s stopped over at the Solis house to drop off some of M.J.’s old math books for Juanita. Geez, did Gabby use Homer Simpson’s makeup gun? Because wow. Circus clowns are more subtle with the eye shadow. And blush. And mascara. After about 3 nanoseconds of restraint, Gabby lets it slip that the leopards are the smart ones, and M.J. will be lucky if he ends up as a carny.
Back at home, Susan watches M.J. as he eats spaghetti, and it’s kind of creepy, guys. Mike comes in, and immediately Susan takes him outside for one of their patented Susan’s Insane Rant of the Day talks. She tells Mike that M.J. is stupid and that they have to drive out in the country and throw him out of a moving car. Mike’s like, M.J.’s not slow! But, through the kitchen window, they can see him struggling to get his hand out of a very tall glass of milk into which he’s dunked a very large cookie. Eventually he gets his hand out, and both Mike and Susan are happy, but then Susan’s all, “He’s running toward the toaster with a fork!” Now, wasn’t that whole thing hilarious? What? It wasn’t? Huh. I must not have a clear concept of the word “comedy.” I mean, I love Two and a Half Men, so I have to have SOME sort of sense of humor.
Lynette’s putting away dishes when she notices Tom’s feelings journal, literally sitting by itself on the kitchen table. Lynette’s about to read it when Tom comes down to say goodbye before work. Lynette’s like, Don’t you want to know if I read this? And Tom’s all, Oh, I’d know if you read it. Cut to Lynette running into Tom’s therapist’s office, where she gives a guy $200 cash if she can talk to Tom’s therapist. What were you going to talk about? Lynette asks. “I kind of feel like gambling again,” the dude replies. Eek. Lynette bursts into the therapist’s office (who turns out to be Daphne from Frasier) and is all, I’m Tom’s bitch of a wife! I’m a bitch! I’m a lover! I’m a child! I’m a mother! I’m a sinner and a saint! I do not feel ashamed!
Basically, Dr. Daphne does all that TV therapist stuff where she’s like, Do you think you’re a bitch? Why do you think Tom would describe you like that? Do you act like a bitch all the time? Why do you feel the need to name all your children with a name that begins with the letter “P”? Because that’s just dumb. And then the therapist opens up the dead baby can, and there are worms everywhere, and Lynette sits down to talk things out. When Tom gets home, Lynette says that they’re going to therapy. Yeah, you’re like 6 seasons too late, Scavos.
No one can waste amazing talent like you, Cherry.
At the school, Susan stops one of the real teachers to ask her how M.J.’s doing in math, and then Susan’s all, Leopards are the smart ones! LEOPARDS ARE THE SMART ONES!!! And Susan’s shrill voice reaches another mother, who yells it at another mother, and now everybody knows, and now the next P.T.A. meeting about the bake sale to raise money for recorders will be all shot to hell.
Over at Casa de Cripple, Orsy want door closed! Bree says that if Orson’s not going to bathe, she’ll need some fresh air, and she asks him to give her some courtesy and just say please. Instead, Orson calls her a “whore.” And is all, The difference between you and I is that I can get clean. Ouch, Orson. Ouchies. Bree goes absolutely ape-poopy. I mean, you can literally see and pinpoint the exact second when the synapses that control sanity in her brain just explode. So Bree throws down her flowers, grabs some liquid dish soap from the kitchen, wheels Orson outside, sprays him down with the dish soap (which gives off a very pleasant little farty sound when she squeezes it), and sprays him with the hose. Orson’s all, “Stop!” And Bree’s like, “If only there were a word you could say that would make me stop. Like, I don’t know, PLEASE!” The whole thing is actually kind of funny. I admit it — I actually LOL’d. Orson finally caves and yells “Please! Please roll me over, please help me off the toilet! That’s the life I’m facing now! Do you know how hard that is?” He then makes this little speech about how he’ll never be able to do things for himself anymore. Which isn’t true. I know plenty of people in wheelchairs who are self-sufficient. Well, that’s not true. I know OF people in wheelchairs who are self-sufficient. I don’t have any handicapped friends. By choice. I kid! Anyway, Bree tearfully apologizes.
Don’t worry, sugar. This paralysis thing should only last another couple of episodes.
The principal’s office. Gabby and Susan wait patiently with another kid who’s in for eating paste. There was a kid in my fifth grade class who ate Weekly Readers. I shit you not. Weekly. Readers. Gabby apologizes, Susan apologizes, Gabby wishes she had a job or something cuz all she has is her kids. Um. Okay. Susan wishes she could spend more time with M.J. cuz she works a lot now. Um, she works at the school M.J. attends. So, she’s actually seeing MORE of M.J. than she would if she stayed home while he went to school. Way to think that one through, writers. They’re all, It’s so silly, all this animal jealousy! And Susan’s like, I know, they even have otters, seals, and penguins for reading class! And Juanita’s an otter, and M.J. is a penguin, and we’re back to where we started. Wheeeeeeeee kill me now.
Ana’s at a store looking at clothes with Angie, a sort of bonding experience. And just when Angie’s all, You’re no good for my kid cuz you’re just out to have a good time and you’ll hurt him, Ana spouts some crap about getting Danny when he lashes out for attention and gets all defensive cuz she’s been there too. I’m assuming she means she went through that during her inexplicable 8 episode absence. She says she’s not gonna hurt Danny, and she’s not going anywhere. Oh, hey, what’s this . . . I found another excerpt from one of Danny’s poems:
Late at night
I sneak downstairs, and
open the refrigerator door
stares at me, laughing in my face
eat my feelings
with a side of
all washed down with
Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr. Pepper
Back at Fairview Mental Health, McCluskey’s back again to say this: “The people on that street have been your friends for years. You really think we would dump your ass just cuz you went off the deep end for some months?” Two words: Edie Britt. Katherine doesn’t think that everyone will forgive her, and then Gabby’s like, “We’ll try.” Turns out Gabby’s there. With Bree and Lynette. And then Susan walks in, and they hug. Wow, Susan’s pretty forgiving.
Your hair feels like corn husks.
Mary Alice blahs that we all need someone to talk to about our problems and crap. She says there’s nothing more therapeutic than a great talk with old friends. Like you would know, Little Miss Shoot Myself In the Head In Season One. Wow, that episode really got us one step closer to finding out who the strangler is, didn’t it? It didn’t, but at least we know that Ana doesn’t like carbs. Thank god, cuz I’ve been worrying about that one all season long.
Next week: Katherine comes back home, Bree tries to help Orson again, Gabby and Angie have a tiff, more Danana, and no one seems to give a crap about the whole strangling story arc.