Desperate Housewives: I Can’t Stand Up Comedy

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Remember when Susan inherited that strip club, and you thought, “Yeah, this’ll be fun for one episode, but that’s it, okay?” Well, StripperSaga continues as Susan convinces one of the Double D’s girls (guest star Julie Benz, who played a vampire on Buffy for about 8 seconds) to quit stripping, and then invites her home, where Li’L M.J.’s all, “What’s going on in my pants, mommy?!”

Lynette and Tom continue their therapy, which revolves around the same. Argument. They always. Have. By which I mean Lynette’s over-bearing tendencies vs. Tom’s always rolling over and taking it tendencies. Turns out their therapist (Jane Leeves, that crazy cockney gal from Frasier) is in a local theatre production, and is so horrific that she makes Ashlee Simpson look like Meryl Streep. And Ana really wants to have sex with Danny, and Gabby tries to convince her not to with the only love she’s comfortable giving out — cold, hard cash. But when Carlos catches Ana in flagrante delicto with Danny, he Hulks out on Danny, causing Angie to go all ape-poopy on Carlos, and now yet another person on Wisteria Lane hates her. But her secret(s) may not be safe for long . . . Oh, and Orson wants to kill himself because he can’t walk.

We’ll supply the rope.

Mary Alice tells us that Orson Hodge is smiling again, and it’s worrying Bree. Uh-oh, kids — lock up your cheap crap, including your “I Heart Grandma” coffee mug and New Kids On the Block commemorative plates, cuz Orson’s got that klepto glint in his eye! Actually, he’s in more of a giving mood — giving away all his possessions to all the guys in the neighborhood. It’s an Orson Sales Blow-Out! Everything must go! Come on down to Wheelchair World — half off on Orson’s dignity! Why is Orson giving away all his stuff? Because he wants to kill himself, says Mary Alice, who should know suicidal tendencies when she sees them. Credits.

Then again, Mary Alice wasn’t that much of an actress. She couldn’t cry like this. Let’s give her a pass.

Ah, another day in sunny Wisteria Lane. Where children play and Angie bitches at a neighbor we’ve never seen before (Frau Farbissina!) about recycling and how Frau never does it. Hey, did you guys know that Angie cares passionately about the environment? And that her Kramer-shirt wearing husband is worried that if she harps on about that crap that she’ll blow their cover? Cuz all of that’s true. Also, Angie mentions that someone named Patrick would know what she’s talking about, and Nick’s like, “We don’t talk about Patrick.” By which he of course means Patrick Stewart. It’s the original Star Trek or nothing else in Bolen household! Didn’t someone in the comments mention that Angie probably got arrested for some environmental protest gone wrong? Cuz yeah — Cherry totally read your comment and decided to write it in this week.

Recycle.

Over at Double D’s, the strip club Susan owns half of now that Karl’s dead (R.I.P. my shirtless friend), she’s just now signing over her half of the ownership to Bad Accent-y McGee. Thank god this sub-plot is over. Except that it’s not, because Susan catches one of the strippers (Robin, played by Julie Benz, fresh from her stint of marrying Dexter and then getting murdered) reading, I kid you not, Moby Dick. Look, I’m gayer than Neil Patrick Harris hosting the Tony Awards, but even I’d rather get a lap dance than read that boring existential crap. And of course Susan sees this as a sign of intelligence and tells the stripper that she can do so much more with her life. Uh huh. Like earning $8.00 an hour as an art teacher’s aide? Way to aim high, Suze!

Tom and Lynette’s huge boobs are in therapy. They’re arguing about something that happened when Tom was driving, and the therapist is all, Lynette, you should let Tom do some of the driving – in the car and in life. Thanks, Dr. Bang Us Over the Head With an Obvious Metaphor. Lynette thinks this is yet another attack on her abrasive personality, and wants to go to another therapist. And when Tom goes back into the office to get his keys, he overhears Dr. Graham talking on the phone about rehearsal. Come to find out she’s in a play, Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra, and Tom says he’ll come and see her get her bard on. Oh, fie, fie I say! ‘Tis far nobler to traipse anon the round stage than to partake of the crap that has spewed forth from the bowels of the mind of Cherry. And so on. This show ain’t Billy Shakes is what I’m sayin’. But it’s sure a helluva lot more fun than Henry IV Part I. And Part II.

Lynette, you’re a c word. Session over.

Gabby runs over to Angie’s house to get Ana to watch her girls. Gabby needs some mommy time, which means buying a $5 gallon jug of merlot and drinking it in the Costco parking lot. Gabby’s worried that since Danny and Ana are in Danny’s room, alone, with the door closed, that they’re bumpin’ uglies. Angie’s all, Hey kids will be kids, let’s just make sure they’re protected. Um, Angie? Didn’t you hate Ana last week? Consistency! She then asks Gabby how old she was when she did it, and since Gabby was kind of a slut who slept with men for attention and money (oh, so much has changed, hasn’t it?), she figures she might wanna stop by the drug store to get Ana a gallon jug of RU-486. Those are birth control pills, right? What? Oh. My bad.

Bree comes back home to the Cripple Crib, much to Orson’s surprise. Turns out he left a “first-draft suicide note” lying around where Bree could see it. Not that that’s a cry for attention or anything. Bree is like, I will be here 24 hours a day to make sure you don’t kill yourself and also to bake gourmet cookies! Orson says that whether or not she likes it, it’s going to happen — he’s going to kill himself.

After he eats said cookies.

Back at Gabby’s house, Gabby tells Carlos that she got some condoms for Ana and Danny, but Carlos ain’t so happy about that. He’d prefer them to use other means of birth control. Like pulling out. Or prayer. Basically, he thinks that giving them condoms would be like blessing their sex life, and since they don’t want no more stinking kids in their house, he tells Gabby to tell Ana to put a lid on it. And by “it” I mean vagina. Ew, gross, this show made me say vagina!

Susan’s outside raking one tiny pile of dead leaves, when who should pull up? Betty Applewhite! No, not really. It’s Robin, who’s quit the steady income and rampant free drugs lifestyle of stripping. Which is a great idea in today’s economy, when people with M.B.A.s can’t even get a job managing a Little Caesar’s. Good idea, Robin! She tells Susan that Susan’s her role model (oooohhhh crap), and is like, “So . . . what do I do now?” You stay with Susan and Mike, of course! At least that’s what the next cut scene shows us.

Susan tells Mike that she feels responsible for Robin, and that she didn’t think Robin would actually listen to her because, “no one ever listens to me.” Ha! Meanwhile, Robin’s helping set the table with M.J., who says that Robin’s so pretty that she could be a princess. This gives Susan the idea that she might be ideal for yet another assistant art teacher at her school. Dear lord, how many art assistants do they need? One’s not enough? M.J. then tells Robin that she can give him a bath if she wants to. Um, I’m sure that was supposed to be funny, but really, Cherry? Gross. Creepy.

Child sex! HILARIOUS.

Over at the Feeble Farm, Bree comes back to relieve Roy of his suicide watch, which consisted of Roy sticking Orson in the laundry room and shoving a broom through the spokes of the wheelchair wheels. Ha ha ha! Awesome. I heart Roy.

This is what the writer’s room looks like.

It turns out Bree has rounded up a paraplegic party posse to, I don’t know, cheer Orson up or something. It’s so awkward. It’s like that lyceum in grade school where the surviving midgets from The Wizard of Oz came and talked to us. The whole thing was just weird and sad. Anysnooch, Bree asks Chris and Ron to talk to Orson, and one of them is black! Whaaaaaaa?! Orson says he doesn’t need a “handicap pep talk” and Chris says that they aren’t “hanidcapped, we’re handicapable.” Oh my dear sweet lord. Look, it’s one thing for ME to use that word ironically in my recaps, but to actually hear it on screen is kind of painful. And clearly Orson agrees with me. Chris is like, We do everything – play basketball, make love. Orson: “Well, I hope you two are very happy together.” Ha! Ron: “Look, you have a wife who clearly loves you.” Orson: “Wow, blind AND paralyzed. You must be the first to board the plane.” Ha! You guys, I hope Orson never gets better because he’s Handi-larious!

Child sex and handicap jokes. All in a day’s work.

Orson says that Bree is only helping him out of pity, which she overhears, and then Orson goes on to say that he wouldn’t be in this pickle if he hadn’t been fighting Karl in the santa shack when the plane hit, and then Bree’s like, “I should just let you hang yourself.” Um . . . not to be That Guy, but he’s in a wheelchair, so . . . that’s probably not gonna be the easiest way to get that done, Bree. Orson tries to force Bree to say, “I love you,” but the most she can muster is “I care deeply for you.” Ouch. Ouchies.

Ana’s on the couch, either doing homework or editing Danny’s poetry, when Gabby surprises her with a sex talk. And since to Gabby sex and money are interchangeable, she offers Ana a blank check that will cover a year of modeling school and a decent apartment. The catch is, she won’t sign it until Ana graduates from high school as a virgin. I wish my parents had done that. It would have been nice to have an excuse for my virginity.

It’s time for the Fairview Community Theater production of Antony and Cleopatra. I hope it’s good. I heard really great things about last month’s performance of Godspell starring McCluskey as Jesus. Day by day, day by day. Tom and Lynette continue to argue throughout the opening scene, and then Dr. Graham makes her entrance, and you guys, she is not good. Remember when you saw any movie with Denise Richards in it and thought, “Why didn’t they just use a block of wood instead? At least a block of wood is interesting and has emotions.” Well, Dr. Graham is . . . well, she’s still better than Denise Richards, but she sucks. Hilariously so. And then her crown falls off. It’s all very funny. Between this scene and Orson’s Can’t Stand-Up Comedy, I suggest watching this episode. Back at home, Tom and Lynette tell Parker (how cute is Parker? He’s such a cutie!) that the play sucked, and Dr. Graham was especially crappy. Lynette doesn’t want to see Dr. Graham anymore because she thinks that anyone that is that delusional about her own acting can’t be a good therapist. Tom rightfully thinks that’s just an excuse and insists that they’re going to therapy, gosh darnit!

Lynnetteith is a bitcheth to Tomthesesth.

At Susan’s school, Robin shows up ready to teach kids the fine art . . . of grabbing a dollar bill from someone’s crotch with your teeth. When I was a kid, we just did finger-painting. It was a simpler time . . . Anyway, Suzy-Q asks Robin to hang up the globes they made last week, when some dad comes in with his kid and is all, Do I know you? And Robin’s like, I guess I just have one of those faces. Uh-huh. And one of those asses. And two of those boobies. And one of those — don’t make me say it again! Turns out, the dad recognizes her, and then blabs to the principal about it, and he calls Susan to his office to say that Robin isn’t appropriate for their school.

At Gabby’s house, It’s bath time for Juanita and That Other Daughter Whose Name I Can’t Remember and Always Have to Use Wikipedia to Find It Out. Annnnnd . . . it’s Celia. Gabby goes upstairs to give the girls a bath, and Ana starts to put the moves on Danny, who’s all, I thought you promised Gabby you wouldn’t have sex? And Ana’s like, “I didn’t promise her YOU wouldn’t have sex.” Ummm . . . that really doesn’t make any sense. But good try, writers. Outside, Angie’s on another recycling rampage and starts to sort Frau Farbissina’s garbage, when Carlos pulls up to his house. Strap yourselves in, kids — it’s time for another drama collision. Sure enough, Carlos catches a shirtless Danny puttin’ the moves on Ana, and because Carlos’ first reaction is to punch first, ask questions never, he shoves Danny up against a wall in front of the living room window. And of course, Angie sees this, and because her first reaction is yell first, ask questions never, she runs in, yells at Carlos to get the eff away, and then, just for good measure, throws a vase. And then recycles it. Not really, but she does tell Carlos she’ll kill him if he ever touches her kid again. Back outside, Frau Farbissina dumps a bunch of garbage into her cans, looks right at Angie, and yells, “Suck it, earth!” Ha! Love it. Angie, though? Obviously not a fan, since she kicks over Frau’s garbage cans in a fit of reusable rage.

I’m suddenly not missing Karl any more.

At therapy, Lynette sits across from Dr. Graham, seething like only Lynette can seethe. Dr. Graham again asks for honesty, so Lynette’s like, Honestly we saw your play and hated it. And then says that she thought Dr. Graham was terrible and has therefore lost confidence in her as a therapist. When asked to elaborate, she won’t, and Dr. Graham tells Lynette that she always takes the “coward’s way out.” Oh, shit, Dr. Graham. You do NOT want mess with a pregnant Lynette. I mean, even a regular Lynette would be bad, but a pregnant Lynette will scratch your eyes out and eat your soul.

Poor Tom has to sit there and watch Lynette and Dr. Graham trade insults . . . Until there’s a breakthrough in which Lynette tells Tom that she’s always the bad cop and Tom runs from confrontation, and Tom says he has to be the good cop, and Lynette says she wants to be the good cop, and Tom says he likes to be liked and so he defers all the bad stuff to Lynette. And this is news to no one who’s watched this show from the pilot episode. So, for once, Tom mans up and tells Dr. Graham that she sucks. Lynette tells Dr. Graham that she’s a good therapist because they had a breakthrough, and Dr. Graham tells them to get the hell out of her office. Buh-bye Daphne from Frasier. It’s been fun having you around!

Don’t worry. Kelsey Grammar will be getting another over educated prig pansy sitcom next season. You have a foot in the door!

Gabby and Carlos are bringing cookies over to Angie to apologize, but when they get to the front door, they hear shouting and decide to eavesdrop. Oh, hey, Nick decided to use his accent tonight. Sort of. Good for him. Sort of. I wish they were arguing about Nick’s poor taste in shirts, but no, Nick says that Frau is thinking about suing (um, seriously?) and Angie needs to keep her cool because otherwise people will be pokin’ around and then they’ll find out about their secret. Gabby is like, Whhhhaaaa? — I can’t believe what I just heard! And Carlos is all, Whhhhhaaaa? — I can’t believe you made cookies!

The Supreme Court will now hear the case of Frau V Trashcan Kicker Over.

At Mike and Susan’s, Susan’s telling Mike about how Robin got fired at school, and Mike’s pretending to listen to her for the 15th time today. Robin doesn’t know what she’s going to do, and Susan pulls Mike aside and convinces him to let Robin live with them until she gets back on her feet. Oh, the shenanigans we will see in the upcoming episodes!

Back at Mangled Leg Mansion, Bree hands Orson a suit and says that they’re going to some friends’ 50th wedding anniversary because that’s what married couples do and Orson needs to get his life back together. At the party, Orson refuses to go in and Bree leaves him by the swimming pool. Great idea, Bree. Maybe tomorrow you can just throw a loaded gun at him. Bree watches Mr. and Mrs. Plot Forwarding Device dance to “Sentimental Reasons” by Nat King Cole, which is really a lovely song. Meanwhile, Orson inches ever so closer to the edge of the pool, but Bree catches him at the last minute. Orson says he wants to die, but Bree says that she wants what her friends have — a 50th wedding anniversary. Orson’s all, Um, since you couldn’t even say you loved me, good luck with that, ho. Bree confesses that she once loved Orson, and even if she doesn’t know if she can love him again, she wants to recapture what they once had, and asks him to stay with her. Now, y’all know I’m not the hugest fan of Bree, but that was actually touching. And to see Bree drop her armor is always a good thing.

Tonight’s ending monologue is brought to you by Mary Alice Young, the patron saint of blackmailed suburban soccer moms. She talks more about drama, and how there are lovers and victims and comic relief, and then there are those who end up as the hero (Gabby, I guess) and villains (Angie). And then there are those who wonder what the heck happened to Katherine (she is SO not coming back next year, you guys) and the strangling plot. Like me. And you. But no one involved in the production of this show, obviously.

Next time: There’s no new episode until February 21st. I’m sorry! I don’t make the schedule!

A woman who believes in recycling? Kill her!