Tonight on Desperate Housewives:
Gabby and Angie head on over to a studio lot in Los Angeles. I’m sorry? What’s that? They’re supposed to be in New York City? Yeah, no one’s gonna buy that, dumbass. While they’re on the Universal lot — fine, FINE: “New York City,” they run into Heidi Klum and Paulina Porizkova, who remember Gabby fondly from their modeling days. As a big fat bitch. But what’s a trip to “New York City” without a little plot development, eh? We get to meet Angie’s Ma, and find out more about the mysterious Patrick Logan. Oooooh, interesting! Kind of. But the excitement doesn’t end there! Preston’s back from Europe! With the worst fake pornstache in the history of fake facial hair EVER. Oh, and he also brought home a Russian Euro-Whore girlfriend whom Lynette is convinced is a gold-digger. Because the Scavo family is obviously wealthy. Except completely not. And in this week’s No-One-Gives-A-Crap story line, Mike feels emasculated when Susan pays off a loan for him. I’m serious. That’s literally their entire plot this week. Bree finds out a deep dark secret about Sam that affects her and her entire family (well, not cripply Orson). And over at Muffin Muncher Manor, Katherine and Robin continue their little lesbian love-a-thon, except Susan finds out about it. Katherine goes to get some advice from two people who are experts on all things vagina: Bob and Lee. Going to gay guys for lesbian advice is like going to an acting class taught by Tara Reid. Oh, and Angie drops a big-ass bomb about a secret she’s been carrying around for years! Or, for 16 episodes at least.
Ask the wives about the fake pornstache. I beg you.
Mary Alice blahs about how the Scavo family is anxiously awaiting the return of Preston Scavo from his Europe trip. Everyone is thinking about presents they hope he’ll bring back. Parker wants an army knife from Switzerland, Tom wants some “cheese from Bavaria.” Okay, a.) Bavaria? That’s not even a country, Mary Alice, it’s a region, and b.) Cheese? Seriously? Penny, on the other hand, doesn’t really ask for much.
“I want some parents who actually give a shit.”
Finally! Preston’s home and ohmigod he has a gross face fungus! Is that ringworm? What? Oh. Oh, the producers have informed me that it’s a mustache. Is it? Because it looks like someone went all Wooly Willy on Preston’s face.
“Remember when they shaved off some hair from the back of my head and used Elmer’s wood glue to stick it to my upper lip? Hahahahaha! Good times . . .”
Turns out Preston didn’t bring cheese, but he brought something that smells even worse: a Russian Euro-Trash Whore. Or, as she’s known in the writer’s room, This Episode’s Reason For Lynette to Get Pissed Off (TERFLGPO for short). Credits.
In NYC, Ana’s posing for some pics for . . . wait for it . . . a tool calendar. Oh, hey, speaking of tools, here comes Danny. He drops the bomb that Gabby only sent Ana to . . . “New York” . . . to get rid of her. Ana’s like, So THAT’S why I’m getting all these crappy photo shoots. Um, yeah. Sure. Sure thing, Ana. Danny says they have a lot of catching up to do. Um, do they? Hasn’t it been like only a week? Whatever. Ana throws her shovel at the photographer and is all, “I quit!” Oh, no! Who will they find at the last minute to hold a freaking shovel in front of her face? Oh, that’s right — ANYONE.
Smize it, bitches. Smize it real good.
Meanwhile, at the Universal Studios lot next door — fine, FAIRVIEW, okay?! — Angie bursts in on Gabby to ask her where Ana is so she can go find Danny, but Gabby’s oddly confident that Ana won’t want to have anything to do with Danny. Which doesn’t turn out to be true, as Gabby calls Ana’s cell phone and hears a message for her to “drop dead.” Rude.
Over at Susan’s, even though it’s 7 in the morning, Susan’s already pissing me off. She’s wearing a dress that appears to have been made by the kids in her art class. Mike’s kind of wondering what the hell is going on.
“Ohmigod please tell me you made bacon.”
Why is she so dressed up? Because Mike’s going to take her out to eat at “Chez Naomi.” And why would Mike want to do that? Because Susan used her money from the sale of the strip club to pay off Mike’s business loan. Mike? Not so happy about that. Susan thinks Mike’s making a big deal out of nothing, and then goes outside to take out the trash and show off her dress.
One is a dress. One is a trash bag. I’ll let you decide which is which.
Sam’s talking to Bree about merging her down home cooking with cajun spices and wow this is boring. Luckily, here comes Andrew to, I don’t know, slap Bree in the face or become homeless or something. After RoboSam leaves, Bree drops the news that she’s making Sam the V.P. of her company! Oh, dip. Suffice to say, Andrew’s not happy about this, and so he gets on his Huffy bike and huffs away. Gotta say, boy knows how to throw a hissy. Bree says that there can be two Vice-Presidents, but Andrew still thinks that Bree is just being a big fat b. Par for the course, Andrew. Par for the course.
“Whatevs. If you want me, I’ll be in my room, smoking pot and having gay sex with your Alcoholics Anonymous boyfriend. Late.”
At Katherine’s, she lies in bed, thinking about what she just did.
“Is it weird that I had to mentally picture a platter of hot dogs to reach orgasm?”
Susan’s at the front door to ask Katherine if she wants to go shoe shopping with her. Hey, that’s a great idea, since Katherine will be needing a lot of Birkenstocks now. All of a sudden, Robin runs downstairs, and without any consideration for Katherine’s social life and well-being, kisses Katherine right on the mouth in front of Susan.
Um, coming out is a really personal thing, so THANKS ROBIN.
“Is it weird that I’m mentally picturing of a platter of hot dogs right now?”
Back at the Universal lot that’s almost passable for New York (No. It’s not.), Danny knocks on the door of some woman’s apartment and is all, “Rose DeLuca? I think you’re my grandma.” She’s all, “Tyler?” and lets him in.
“I’ll take 3 boxes of Thin Mints, now get the hell out of my face.”
On the plane to New York, Gabby tells Angie that she used to be a model, and is all, I shared something with you, so now you share something with me! But Angie ain’t havin’ that.
“Look. I don’t know what the hell was up with the last episode of The Sopranos either, so stop effing asking me.”
Back at Lynette’s, Preston’s mustache is telling Tom and Lynette about how he met his White Russian on a topless beach. Lynette’s super impressed by that.
“So then I said, ‘In Soviet Russia, dress wears you!’ Hahahahaha! I need vodka.”
No, I need vodka. Tom asks Lynette why she’s being so rude. Hi, Tom? Have you ever even met your wife? Lynette thinks that Irina is way out of Preston’s league, so she must have some other agenda. Aw, so supportive. Lynette, in an order to be nice, compliments Irina’s boots. Turns out Preston bought them for her in Paris. And Lynette just happens to remember Preston calling them from Paris for money. And then Irina prattles on about how Preston spends money on her.
Back at the Delfino’s, Susan tells Mike about Katherine, but Mike doesn’t quite hear her: “Did you say Katherine’s a leprechaun?” Susan: “I said she’s a lesbian.” Mike: “Leprechaun would have made more sense.” Hahaha! Oh, Mike, you’re so funny. Take your shirt off. Mike’s like, How can she go from me to Robin? My theory is that Mike is so incredibly awesome in bed that afterwards, you’d kinda just think, “Well, I’ll never have it that good again. Guess I’ll try some vagina.” But Mike doesn’t see it the way I do, unfortunately, and Susan adds insult to injury by saying that Mike makes “gentle” love and “likes to cuddle” and he’s “in touch with his feminine side.” Mike says he doesn’t even have a feminine side, and Susan’s all, “You cry at movies.” Mike: “One movie! Brian’s Song!” Susan: “And The Notebook . . .” Mike: “Tears of boredom!” Hee! Mike doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.
Back at Lynette’s, it’s time for bed, but Lynette’s too worked up to sleep. Tom says he thinks Irina is nice. By which he means, “Me likey boobies.” Lynette again reiterates that Irina is a gold-digger. Luckily, they’re interrupted by Preston.
“I’m here to talk about my mustache.”
Well, Preston proposed to Irina. We all saw it coming, we just thought it’d come an episode from now. But at least we can just all deal with it now. Lynette says she doesn’t approve, but she draws the line when Preston asks for Nana’s ring. When did Lynette’s mom die? Did I miss something? Or is he talking about his great-grandmother? And why do I care? Shouldn’t I just go with it? Fine. Fine, you win, I’ll just go with it already! Preston says that maybe he made a mistake by coming back home. Well . . . yeah, probably.
Over in “NYC” Angie and Gabby are waiting for Ana in the modeling office’s lounge. I guess Gabby’s friend owns the place. Oh, hey, you know who else uses this modeling agency? Heidi Klum. And it turns out Gabby and her go way back, so of course Angie wants to be introduced. Turns out, Heidi doesn’t really have good memories of Gabby, since Gabby taped toilet paper to Heidi’s Manolos during a runway show back in the day. Heidi tells Gabby and Angie to screw off. It’s a really tense scene. Emmy-worthy, really.
Gabby’s friend, Completely Hetero Black Guy Trying Way Too Hard to Play a Gay Guy, tells Gabby that Ana walked off a photo shoot, and doesn’t know where she went, all that he knows is that she said she was going to see Danny’s relatives. Angie tells Gabby that she only has one relative in NYC.
But apparently Angie’s not taking Gabby with her because she shows up at her Ma’s house all by herself. Aw, Ma gives Angie a tender hug. Followed by a good ole Italian slap-to-the-face. You see, Ma ain’t too happy that Angie wants to take Danny back to Fairview, because they just met! And then Angie brings up the mysterious Patrick Logan, and Ma has HAD IT! She throws Angie out onto the cruel streets of fake Brooklyn.
Over at Bob and Lee’s, Katherine decides to get some advice about being a lesbian from . . . two gay guys. Um, who could know LESS about vagina?
“It looked like WHAT?!”
Katherine tells the guys that they were drunk and started kissing, and one thing led to another and then she bought Indigo Girls concert tickets. “Am I gay now?” Katherine asks. Lee says that it’s not a choice (darn tootin’!) and she can’t change her sexuality. Bob says he slept with women for a while, but he didn’t really enjoy it.
“Mostly because I’m a power bottom.”
But then when he slept with a man, it was as if the heavens opened up and all the glory of the angels shone down upon him. It was good, is what I’m trying to say. Bob’s advice to Katherine is to take sex out of the equation and just “date” Robin for a while, get to know her. Katherine says it’s a little late to start dating now, because they live together. Lee: “That is fast. Maybe you ARE a lesbian.” Hee! And true. Lesbians move super-fast on the co-habitation.
At the Kitchen of Tomorrow, Bree’s in the middle of announcing to her staff (of five) that even though this is only Sam’s second episode, he’s now been promoted to Vice-President of the company. Sam starts to give a speech, but he’s interrupted by the awesome angry sarcastic drunk slow clap of Andrew. I love angry sarcastic drunk slow clap! It’s probably one of my most favorite television plot devices, second only to the audience slow handclap, because neither of these will ever happen in real life. Andrew, your hair. Even Conan thinks it’s too high. Oh, hey, Andrew’s apparently drunk off ONE BEER. Awesome. As the “staff” looks on, Andrew pushes Sam to the ground, getting his neatly pressed sweater vest all scrunched up. Sam’s so embarrassed that he runs off, and Andrew’s all, “See? I told you he was a slacker.” Always lead into a commercial break with a hilarious joke! No, Cherry, that was advice, not an example.
“I’m gonna ask Bree if I can take a vacation day during Purim.” “Not the time, Steve!”
Lynette’s at the jeweler’s — she wants him to make a fake copy of the ring so that Irina will notice it’s a fake and move on to someone else. But won’t Preston hate Lynette when he finds out, Jimmy the Jeweler asks? “That’s why I keep having kids,” Lynette answers. “To replace the ones that hate me.” Hee!
It’s night time, and Susan comes downstairs to tell Mike to come to bed, but Mike’s all, I’m gonna show you how macho I am right here and now on the kitchen counter. Mike tries to rip Susan’s shirt off, but he can’t do it. And then Mike hits his head on the lights and then he falls off the counter. Mike is Susan now! Noooooo! Mike says that he’s bothered that Susan paid off his loan. Turns out he just really wants to provide for his family because his dad never did. Susan says that she will cancel the check and he can pay the loan off by himself. So, we’re 25 minutes into the show and things are back to normal with these two. I don’t want to say this plot was pointless but . . . I can’t think of a way to finish that sentence.
Over at a restaurant in “NYC” Gabby tells Angie that she’s going to destroy Ana’s life so she’ll have to go back to Fairview. That way Gabby can make Ana’s life in Fairview miserable and the cycle of mental yet hilarious abuse can start all over again. When all of a sudden who should walk in with Completely Hetero Black Guy Trying Way Too Hard to Play a Gay Guy but Paulina Porizkova! How pissed am I that she’s not on ANTM any more? Pretty pissed, actually.
“Smize on this, Tyra, you chicken-fried ho bag.”
But it turns out Paulina hates Gabby too, since Gabby was a bitch back on a photo shoot back in the day. Given that Paulina is 9 years older than Gabby I highly doubt they’d be modeling together, but whatever. I’ll give this show the benefit of the doubt. AGAIN. Paulina stalks off, and Angie leaves, and Gabby’s like, All of us models were like that back then! But Completely Hetero Black Guy is all, Gabby you were the bitch queen of all the bitchy queens and the queen bitch of all the queenie bitches and no one wanted to work with you and THAT’S why I shoved you into the arms of your handsome latin lover who needs to take his shirt off once per episode! Meow! Gabby’s stunned by this realization.
Tyler Perry does not approve.
Bree’s at a trailer park(!), probably reminiscing about slumming it with sexy dead Karl, looking for Sam’s trailer(!) so she can drop off a fresh batch of I’m Sorry My Drunk Homo Son Kicked Your Preppy Homo Ass muffins. Fat Guy Watering His Lawn says that Sam’s not home, but the door is unlocked. Um, what kind of dumbass leaves his trailer in a trailer park unlocked? True story: I once went to visit a friend who lived in a trailer park, and I went to the wrong trailer and hand to god, the guy that answered the door had, hand to god, a wife-beater on with spaghetti-o’s stuck to it. I swear. That literally happened. Anyway, Bree walks into Sam’s trailer — which is apparently a freaking quadruple-wide — and begins to snoop around a bit. She peruses Sam’s family photos when one in particular catches her eye . . . a photo of Sam as a little boy . . . and Bree’s first husband Rex Van de Kamp!! What the wha? Sam comes in and Bree asks him what he’s doing with a photo of Rex, and it turns out that Rex is Sam’s dad! What the WHAAAAA?!
Well, it’s safe to say the gay gene is on the Van de Kamp side.
Preston says Irina went right to a jewler to get the ring sized. When she comes back, Preston notices that she’s not wearing the ring. Uh-oh. Irina says it was just too precious to go to a woman that Lynette barely knows, and she should “save it for baby.” Preston says the ring is worth a lot, but Irina looks right at Lynette and is all, I know exactly how much it’s worth. Oh, it is on, Russian Whore! It is ON!
Back in “Brooklyn,” Madonna’s going door-to-door.
“Hi. I’m Madonna. I was wondering if you had a minute to answer a few questions about my cultural relevancy?”
Ah, no, sorry, it’s just Angie. She’s visiting her Ma again. She wants to tell her Ma about Patrick, but only if she promises not to tell Danny. And, before we get to hear anything, we flash cut to Gabby, who, somehow, runs into Ana in front of Ma’s apartment and tells her that her shitty attitude is going to ruin her chances of modeling.
“Well, that and your chunky calves.”
Gabby tells Ana that she wants her to have a successful modeling career, so she should curb the ‘tude and go back to the agency. Awwwww. Well, thanks for joining us, Maiara Walsh! Smell ya later! Maybe we’ll see you on some other ABC show, since they pretty much have a rotating cast. Seriously. Have you seen how many people from Lost ended up on Flash Forward and V? But I love me some Elizabeth Mitchell, so I ain’t complainin’. That much.
Danny comes back in and Ma tells him that he needs to go because Angie knows what’s best, but they’ll talk all the time. Grandmas shouldn’t lie, Ma. She says that as long as he’s in town, no one’s safe.
Some middle-aged blonde lady goes up to Gabby outside and asks her who that woman talking to Ma is, and Gabby’s like, It’s her daughter, and she lives in Fairview. Way to keep a secret, Gabs.
Orson gets a line tonight! He’s looking out the window. “Still out there,” he says.
“Oh, good, it’s still ther — oh, nope. There goes my dignity.”
Orson says Bree should talk to Sam. Apparently, Sam was born before Bree and Rex were married. Bree agrees to talk to him, and it turns out that Rex went to a bar and met Sam’s mom. They were both “single.” Rex and Bree met in college, right? So methinks there may be something screwy with the continuity here. But the episode’s almost over and I don’t feel like trying to figure it out. Anyway, Rex knocked up Sam’s mom, and he offered money, but his mom refused it, and then his mom told Rex to stop coming to visit. Throughout the years, Sam has stood outside Bree’s house and stared at her and her family through the window. Well, that’s perfectly sane. Sam’s mom died six months ago, and then he decided to find out about Bree. Bree invites him in for some cocoa. Oh, also, Andrew watched all of this from his bedroom window.
Katherine’s at home reading some Sappho poetry when Robin comes in with a bouquet of Moving-Too-Fast roses. Katherine tells Robin that she was drunk and that the lezzy lovin’ was a mistake and that she’s sorry. Robin tells her that that’s complete crap and that she won’t let Katherine blame it on being drunk. Katherine says Whatevs, me no likey the boobies, and it doesn’t count. Robin’s all, “I know how you touched me and I saw the look in your eyes when I touched you, and it totally counted.” Then she kisses Katherine, and Katherine’s all, “Okay, it counted.”
“Let’s go to Home Depot.”
Back on the plane home, Gabby tells Angie that she will work on being a good person (for what, the last 3 minutes of this episode?), and she knows that Angie and Nick are undercover for something. She won’t tell anyone, and she knows how lonely it can be to have secrets, so if Angie ever needs a friend she can tell Gabby. Angie finally explains it all. Well, okay, sort of. She tells Gabby that when she was 18 she got all eco-political and used to organize protests and begged people to come on now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now. But then she got involved with a really bad guy.
Um, no. This guy convinced Angie that they needed to get more aggressive and then someone got killed. Gabby asks if she’s talking about Nick, but no, she’s talking about . . . wait for it . . . Danny’s father! What the WHAAAAA?!
Mary Alice voice over talks about bringing out the truth and crap. Then she shuts up enough for us to hear that blonde lady who talked to Gabby on the street. She’s on the horn with Patrick Logan! Her name is Iris, and she lives next to Rose. She’s all, Yeah, I’ll tell you where Rose’s daughter lives when I get my thousand bucks.
“You were on what show now? Yeah, sorry, I don’t do sci-fi.”
Wow, two shows in a row?! ABC is spoiling us! Bree invites Sam over for a family dinner; Gabby and Susan go toe-to-toe to see whose kid is better (Juanita 4eva!); Lynette grows ever more suspicious of Irina; and Katherine continues her long slide into Lesbianism.