Desperate Housewives: Santa Claus is Dead. Now Let’s Get Naked!

This week on Desperate Housewives, Juanita walks in on a naked and horizontal Carlos and Gabby; Jackson usurps Mike’s daddy power; Lynette gets funny drunk (yay!); Dave actually becomes a bit creepier (although his motives appear to be stupid); and Orson’s a big-ass baby. And . . . what’s this? Yup – I actually liked this episode. I know!

My mommy’s a star!

Mary Alice voiceovers about Ms. Butters (seriously), who asks her kindergarten kids to draw pictures of their families so she can show them on parents’ night. We, on the other hand, had to make stupid conservation posters. Mike shows up late to the shindig, and Susan’s all, “I said 7, didn’t I?” MJ’s pic is cute, for a 5 year-old with no artistic talent whatsoever. Stick to nap time, kid. That’s where your future is. Little MJ comes up and Mike says that he likes how big and strong he drew him. MJ says, “That’s Jackson.” Oh snap! MJ totally dissed his dad! And he’s not even a teenager yet. Ms. Butters (seriously) asks who Jackson is, and MJ replies that he paints their house, until mommy gives him wine and then they have a sleepover. Susan explains about the divorce to Ms. Butters (seriously), and then tells MJ that he should have drawn Mike since it was a pic of the family. MJ explains that he did, and points to, as Mike puts it, ” . . . that little bug with the hat?” Yup, MJ says, since he’s always so far away. Aw, so sad, so pathetique. Mary Alice voiceovers about how pictures aren’t flattering or something. Why does Mary Alice’s voice always sound like she’s smiling when she talks? You’re dead, it can’t be that great, Mary Alice. So far? Best episode this season. Shortened credits. Falling apples.

Seriously.

Susan, Lynette, Gabby, and Katherine walk into Bree’s house, as Mary Alice voiceovers about a “certain green-eyed monster.” Mr. Boogedy?! No, she’s being figurative. She means jealousy of course. Blah Mary Alice blah everyone’s jealous of Bree’s house and crap blah. Bree breaks out her cookbook as the others clap like trained seals. Orson walks out and grabs a kiss from Bree on his way to the “salt mines.” I thought he was a dentist. And he’s dressed a little too nice to be going to a mine . . . oh. I get it. Bree talks about her radio interviews and magazine articles. Gabby’s concerned that Bree will get famous and forget all about them. Ever hear of a blessing in disguise, Gabby? Also, I don’t get why Susan’s jealous, because isn’t she an author/illustrator of children’s books? She’s done book signings, and I’m sure she’s had interviews. I hear she’s big with the Highlights crowd. Goofus and Gallant totally want to tap that. Katherine says that Bree will never change, and Bree says that’s true, that she’ll never be stuck-up and snobby. Katherine’s reply: “I didn’t say that, I just said you’d never change.” Hee. Katherine + Me = TLA. LYLAS! Lynette asks to see Bree’s marketing plan because she used to do that, when she had a real life. Andrew calls to tell Bree that she’s the Chamber of Commerce’s Business Woman of the Year! Oh my gosh! I don’t care at all!

Wow, Bree. So modern. So today. So NOW.

Meanwhile, Orson sits on a park bench, circling classified ads with a red marker. That’s so old school. It’s called a laptop and Craigslist, Orson. Just click on “Casual Encounters” and “M4M.” Bree calls his cell and brags about the Chamber of Commerce thing, and to celebrate she wants to take Orson out to lunch to celebrate. She’ll be at his office in two minutes! Oh, crap! Orson tells Bree he’s in a meeting, which works until some dude in the park begins playing the steel drums. Bree, suspicious, rolls down her window to follow the sound of the steel drums, probably so she can yell at the steel drummer to stop playing that filthy, filthy ethnic music. Orson tries to run away, but it’s too late – the harpy has spotted the harped.

Why is it impossible for people to not look like assholes with one of those things in their ear?

Mike brings over a bike for MJ. Bought love is the only worthy love, if you ask me. Susan says that MJ knows that Mike is his dad and MJ loves him more than Jackson. Speak of the devil, Jackson pulls up and MJ shows him his new bike. Pointless.

Over at the poorest house on Wisteria Lane, Carlos and Gabby are watching TV. Well, Carlos isn’t exactly watching it, poor blind bastard. Juanita asks her mommy if Bethany can go home now, even though she’s only been there for 20 minutes. Turns out, all Bethany likes to do is spin around in a circle. Gabby tells Juanita that she should spin too. Carlos asks why that “little weirdo” is here, and Gabby says that she’s the key to them having more sex. Oh, dare I, dear readers? Dare I dream that Shirtless Carlos will magically appear in this episode? Carlos is all, “I’m in!” Gabby’s plan is for Juanita to have a play date soon, and since their youngest is in pre-school, this means that for 2 hours once a week, the Solis’ can be doin’ it, and doin’ it, and doin’ it well.

Children like this are why people should never have sex. Ever.

Back at the park, Orson says that 3 weeks ago, his parole officer found that Orson had lied on his application in the part where it asks about a criminal record. Oops. So Orson’s been pretending to work for 3 weeks. Orson didn’t tell Bree because he felt emasculated. By Bree? Oh, that’s just silly. And perfectly reasonable.

Tom and Dave are auditioning guitar players, and the look on Tom’s face as some nerdy dude plays is priceless. Tom wants him in the “band” now, but Dave says Mike has to, just has to (!) be in it. The entire scene took less time than it did for me to type these 3 sentences.

Lynette’s in the kitchen, going over Bree’s marketing plan, ignoring her husband. But she snaps to attention when Tom asks her what she’s doing. Lynette wants to maybe do some freelance work, but Tom is worried about her making time for the family. You know, the family that only shows up when it’s convenient to the plot for the week. Wouldn’t hurt to have them in the background, Cherry. Grabbin’ a Sunny D from the fridge or something. Just sayin’.

Very subtle, Tom. James Lipton should be calling any sec.

Over at Casa de Totally Hard Up, Gabby and Carlos are getting ready to boink. Mmmm, Carlos is taking his pants off. I think I’ll join him. I’m sorry for that image you just had of me writing this recap with my pants off. That was totally inappropriate and uncalled for, and you should know that I never write recaps with my pants off. Because I’m always naked. Carlos wants Gabby to wear the red teddy, because even though he can’t see it, he likes the feel of it. Gabby asks if sex is good when you’re blind, and Carlos says that it’s better because he has to rely on his other senses. Gabby says that he’s so lucky to be disabled, and Carlos says he can arrange for her to have blind sex. I’m assuming that he means he’ll blindfold her, because the other alternative, stabbing out her eyes with a steak knife, isn’t too pleasant.

Bree and Katherine “Three Lines Per Episode” Mayfair are in Bree’s ginormous kitchen/garage, poring over a pot of Kraft Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese. Or should it be Cheese and Macaroni? No, it shouldn’t. Orson comes in and says that he was turned down flat for the job he interviewed for, but he does know one person who would hire him on the spot. A Mr. Chuck E. Cheese perhaps? Nope. Homeboy’s talking about Bree, who is wearing her glasses. I like Bree in glasses. She looks better, softer, more approachable. Orson says they’d be like partners if Bree hired him. Oh, dear – Katherine ain’t happy ’bout that! She calls Bree over to help her with the flower arrangement, and tells Bree that if she lets Orson in, she’s gone. Oh, Bree is so cute in her glasses! Bree goes back to Orson and tells him that she is a big ole bitch at work. Sweetie, love you, love the glasses, but I think Orson’s used to you being a big old bitch everywhere. Bree tells Orson to give it a month or two, and if things still haven’t worked out, she’ll reconsider.

Don’t worry! I won’t give him any of your lines!

Carlos and a blindfolded Gabby have just finished doing it, and Gabby says that blind sex is awesome. Carlos wants to do it again, but Gabby says they’re done, because Juanita’s at the end of the bed, staring at them and slurping on a Hi-C. Hee. Bethany’s mom brought Juanita back because she got a stomachache. Gabby tells her that she and Carlos were wrestling, and Juanita tells Carlos to stop because he could hurt her mommy. After Juanita leaves, Carlos’s chest and stomach are still covered by the sheet, and it’s pissing me off, Cherry! Pissing me off! Carlos is upset because Gabby pretty much told Juanita that “daddy beats up mommy.” Carlos thinks that they should tell Juanita about the Facts of Life, and how Mrs. Garrett left in season 8 and her sister, Beverly Ann, took over the Over Our Heads store and looked after the girls. Carlos says that it’s fine and a “natural” thing. Gabby: “If she was standing there for any longer than five minutes, there was nothing natural about what she saw.” Carlos: “By the way, thank you for that.” Ha! I heart this episode.

Mike calls Susan and wants to come over and help MJ with his new bike. Susan’s all for it, but she’s not sure that he’s ready to go without training wheels. Oh, come on, Susan, he got the bike right after the opening credits, of course he’s ready! I sure hope no one else, say mommy’s boyfriend, has taught MJ how to ride a bike already. Mostly because that would be hackneyed and predictable, Cherry. Outside Susan’s window, MJ is riding his bike without training wheels, as Jackson “Doesn’t Know His Place and Should Have Asked First” Braddock claps his hands and looks on. Susan screams, and tells Mike she just say a spider and has to go. Hee (kind of). Susan pulls Jackson aside and tells him that it was out of line for him to do that (word), but Jackson said MJ kept begging him. MJ even said “pwease.” Ha! I am so loving this episode! Forget Dave and his piano/violin music of creepiness — bring on the silly, Cherry!

Hello Dr. Laura? A website at TVgasm gave me your number? What? I’m a slut? I should have my child taken away from me? Uh…can I call you back? One of my exes is here.

Lynette is giving Bree (still wearing glasses, yay!) a presentation regarding her cookbook, and telling her that Bree’s marketing people suck ass. Lynette hands her a big card with a catchphrase that she thinks encompasses the nostalgia factor: “Let Mrs. Van de Kamp turn your oven into a time machine!” Lynette really sees ladies responding to that. Bree: “I see children crawling into ovens hoping to see dinosaurs.” Ha! Man, why am I even here? This episode’s funny enough without the Hypnotoad. Bree tells Lynette that she’s already approved the other campaign, and tells Lynette that’s that. Lynette, still trying to sell herself, happens to mention that she was once Business Woman of the Year. Oh, ouch. Bree tells Lynette that she’s this year’s recipient, and she’d be ever so happy if Lynette could come to the reception. Oh, how the tables have turned.

Over at the Mayer’s house, Mike is all ready to help MJ ride his new bike. Out comes MJ, covered in head-to-toe protective gear. He tells Susan that he doesn’t want to fall. Aww, so cute. Susan explains that daddy wanted to teach him, so he should let him. Okay, the kid who plays MJ is cute, but he doesn’t really have the charisma of, say, the kid who used to play Parker, or even that creepy kid who played Travers. Speaking of, didn’t Nicolette Sheridan used to be in this show? MJ rides his bike perfectly, ignoring Susan’s advice. Susan runs out to him and tells him to wobble and crash. After stopping and staring at Susan and Mike for a good 5 seconds, he falls over. And wouldn’t you know it, he actually hurts himself. Way to go, Susan, you Negligent Nelly!

At the hospital, Mike blames himself. MJ comes out in a sling, and the doctor says MJ said something about falling on purpose, which doesn’t make Mike so happy. What makes Mike even less happy is when Susan tells him that Jackson taught MJ how to ride the bike. They argue about MJ, bikes, and divorce, and Mike says that it’s harder than he thought it would be. Susan agrees and says she has to come to terms with her guilt, and so does Mike. Aw, tender moment.

I only abused him because I have a heart.

Dave rushes into his house and asks Edie if Mike has called. Rude! Dave’s all, “Has Mike called, has Mike called, has Mike called?!” THIS is Dave’s diabolical plan? To come to Wisteria Lane and form a garage band? Alert the neighborhood watch association! Lame, totally lame, Cherry. Edie wants to buy another house for sale on Wisteria Lane, but Dave doesn’t want to be a landlord. He opens a box that contains a drum, which makes him freak out and say, “Dammit, Edie! I said no!” So . . . drums make Dave go boom? Me confused. Upstairs, in the bedroom, Dave breaks out a briefcase from under the bed and takes out some pills. After he takes one, he seems to relax. Wow, that scene almost had some tension.

Gabby knocks on the door of Bethany’s house, and Bethany’s first words are, “Boys have sperm.” Yeah they do, Bethany. Yeah, they do. I guess Carlos told Juanita about the Facts of Life and how cousin Geri had cerebral palsy but managed to turn it into something positive instead of negative, and how Blair learned to come to terms with it eventually. He also told her about sex, and Juanita blabbed her head off about it to weird Bethany. Gabby tells Carlos to fix it or there’s no nookie.

Over at the Hodge household, Bree finds Orson in the guest room, complaining that Bree snores too loud, which Bree denies. Bree tells Orson to come back to bed, but Orson says he’s fine right where he is. Geez, Orson, passive-aggressive much? I’m not one to be on Bree’s side, but damn – she supports you when you’re out of a job, lets you down humanely and softly when you say you want to work for her even though your training as a freaking dentist wouldn’t help her at all, and then you act like a big baby? Not cool, Orson. Also, where’s McCluskey?

Make me a pot roast, bitch!

Dave’s on the phone to Mike about a “busted pipe.” Mike’s on his way. Whee. Dave breaks out a metal baseball bat and smashes a pipe outside in broad daylight. Okay, that’s a little messed up. End scene.

Gabby and Carlos explain the sitch to Bethany’s parents and say it won’t happen again. Bethany’s parents agree to keep the play dates, but are worried about the innocence of children, to which Carlos and Gabby agree. Carlos says that he wants his girls to believe in Santa Claus as long as possible before finding out he doesn’t exist. Wouldn’t you know it, little Bethany is standing right there in her annoying glittery “I [Heart] World Peace” shirt. If you ask me, this girl deserves a little emotional pain just for wearing shit like that. Anyway, Bethany, world being effectively smashed, runs away crying.

Glad to know Bree has an understudy. What is this, Broadway?

As Mike fixes Dave’s pipe, Dave asks Mike about joining the “band.” Geez, Dave, give it a freakin rest already! Mike can’t do it, cuz he lives too far away. Dave asks Mike if it would help if he lived a little closer, but with today’s high housing prices (you know, in 2013), Mike can’t afford it. Dave wishes he could do something else for Mike, like rip his shirt off and spray him with the hose and then towel him off inside – oh, sorry, you must have entered my mind again. My filthy, filthy mind.

Over at the Business Woman of the Year award luncheon, Lynette is complaining about the ad campaign/marketing, and basically the other ladies tell her to shut the eff up, which is awesome. Bree comes up and introduces – Stu! Remember him from season 2 and possibly 3 (I can’t really remember if he was in season 3)? The administrative assistant from Lynette’s old office, the one who slept with bitchy Nina, and whom Lynette convinced to drive up and ask her kids if they want candy so she could see if they wouldn’t talk to strangers? Classic Stu. Turns out, Stu’s company is doing all Bree’s advertising. Oh, ouch. Ouchies, Lynette.

Favorite. Lynnette. Face. Ever.

Dave walks in to his house and sucks up to Edie, and offers to make up for being such a freak the other day by buying that house she wanted. Dang, I’d put up with a few drum-related outbursts if someone would buy me a house. I wonder if Dave has an ulterior, garage band-related motive. Probably not. I’m just being silly.

Bree calls Orson because he’s not at the luncheon; he says he’s getting ready for his job interview. Bree wants Orson there because it’s her big day, Orson says, “Enjoy it. You earned it,” before hanging up. What the eff, man? Big baby. Meanwhile, over at the table of broken dreams, Lynette grabs the waiter, holds out her martini glass and says, “You know what this tastes like? More!” Hee. Lynette drunkenly complains about Stu and says she’s going over to talk to Bree. I love drunk Lynette! Maybe not as much as high Lynette . . . tough call. Lynette slurs about coupons and book-sales to Bree, and then says that she’s just some housewife now while Bree’s successful; Lynette never rubbed it in Bree’s face when the tables were turned. Bree tells Lynette to leave, and Lynette says that even though she’d like to cause a scene, she won’t. So she leaves through the fire exit, causing the alarm to go off. Ha!

At Susan’s, Mike tells her he bought the old Hudson place – the one Dave bought for Edie. So now Mike will be closer to MJ. And Susan, which that makes Susan a bit uncomfortable. She says it’s weird, and I kind of agree. Why am I all about defending the ladies this week? I feel icky. Dave and Edie walk by, and Edie asks why they can’t tell Mike about being the owners of the house. Dave mumbles something about being silent and therefore reaping rewards.

But what about when I dump Jackson and start dating a new guy who moves in? You’re just gonna make it awkward again!

Lynette stops by Bree’s garage/kitchen to apologize for being jealous, although Bree assures Lynette that she shouldn’t be jealous and that Bree wasn’t trying to lord it over her. Lynette can’t help but be jealous, she says, but Bree interrupts her to say that there’s nothing successful about her. Exclamation point! Lynette’s all, whaaaaaaa? She tells Lynette about Orson sleeping in the guest room, and about how everything has a price – is it worth it? Lynette says yes, it is, and she is Bree’s friend and will be there for her, just like all of Bree’s friends.

The music’s getting louder, which can only mean that it’s time for Mary Alice’s end-of-the-ep voiceover. She talks about looking closely at the faces of people for that certain green-eyed monster. Katherine throws Bree’s cookbook in the trash; Gabby looks longingly at some couple making out on the street (I’d just yell at them to take it inside, you horny bastards!); Mike takes a box inside his new house, and he stares across the street through Susan’s window, as Jackson and MJ play together inside; Orson tries to sleep in the guest bed, and he opens a box beside it, pulling out a chef’s hat, meaning that (I guess) Bree has decided to hire him. Orson goes into his bed and joins Bree. Well, I guess it doesn’t take much to buy Orson’s love. Big baby.

Allegedly on next week’s Desperate Housewives: We learn what happened during those crazy 5 years that passed, and McCluskey has a birthday party! Break out the champagne and Preparation H, you old bat!

Depression leads to poo balls.