Desperate Housewives: Worst. After School Special. Ever.

It’s all about Eddie tonight, as Marc Cherry (who wrote this episode) tries to make us figure out why we should really care about Eddie. Does it work? I’ll let you be the judge of that (but it totally doesn’t). And so, we’re treated to all the ladies’ interactions with Li’l Eddie throughout the years (cue the retcon flashback), as well as their experiences with Eddie’s mom, who’s never met a bottle of scotch she didn’t like. In the end, we’ll find that even strangling a hooker can’t make Eddie any more interesting than a big slab of tofu on a paper plate.

Mary Alice talks about how there’s this house in Fairview where a monster lives.

This monster kills young women, she tells us, and she’s like, I wanna tell you how the monster came to be. Turns out it’s Stranglin’ Eddie’s house, and his mom lives there too. She’s an alcoholic. Which on ABC apparently justifies Eddie’s stranglin’ ways. I’m going to get on my soapbox once (maybe) to say this: I know PLENTY of people who have come from MUCH worse backgrounds than an alcoholic insulting single mother, and are they serial killers? No. They are smart, funny, genuine, compassionate people. Sure they have childhood issues and what-not, but they DON’T KILL PEOPLE. So, throughout this recap, I ain’t gonna feel incredibly sorry for Eddie. You have been warned. But I digress, and the point is, Eddie’s mom is out of scotch.

Eddie says he’ll go out and get Alco-Mom some scotch (as soon as he stops by the Fairview Technology Institute and strangles a couple co-eds) and tells her not to go in his room, in case she thinks he’s hidden some booze. Or made a sweater out of human teeth, whichever comes first. Of course, Alco-Mom is too drunk to think properly, so she looks under his mattress (a bottle of scotch? Under a mattress? Seriously?) but instead she finds a scrapbook Eddie’s been keeping of all the newspaper clippings about his stranglin’s. Substitute “scrapbook of newspaper clippings about stranglings” with “copies of International Male,” and there you have my pre-teen experience. Credits.

Hey, Mary Alice is here! Like, for reals! She’s out jogging, trying to stifle those insane rambling thoughts about killing herself. You can’t run away from feelings, Mary Alice! She just happens to jog past a 4 year-old Eddie’s house. Hey, it used to look nice. Eddie’s mom and dad are having a big argument about I don’t know what and soon their argument spills outside, and Barbara — Alco-Mom — (who is pretty because she hasn’t gone on the wagon yet) begs her husband to stay because they have a kid, and the dad’s like, “I never wanted him.” Which yes, is brutally harsh. I will grant Eddie that much. Mary Alice is like, You shouldn’t talk this way in front of your kid . . . and do you have a handgun I could borrow?

Some night later, Mary Alice brings some mac and cheese over to Barbara and offers her a sympathetic ear. Oh, hey Babs is having a glass of wine with her mac and cheese. Umm, slippery slope, Babs. Slippery slope. Babs complains about being a single mom and not being able to find a man now. Um, hasn’t it been a week since your hubbie left? You might wanna give it some time, mmkay? Mary Alice tells her to hang in there. Mary Alice says Eddie’s so cute and will be a heartbreaker when he grows up, and after she leaves, Alco-Mom is all, “Just like his father.” Except she says it in a bitchy way.

Yet another night later, Mary Alice stops by with a teddy bear for Eddie, but no one answers the door. Eddie’s at the window, and he shouts to Mary Alice that he can’t open the door, because no one else is home. Mary Alice asks him where Alco-Mom is, and apparently, he knew exactly what bar she was in, because that’s where our next scene takes place. Alco-Mom is doing some shots with some skeezy biker dude, but Mary Alice is NOT impressed. Mary Alice is like, Yeah, your kid is in my car, so . . . yeah . . . you may want to come home so I don’t call social services. Back at home, Alco-Mom is like, I was dumb and I will never do something like this again, Mary Alice . . . I just really need a man. Mary Alice reminds her that being a mother means “always putting Eddie’s needs before yours.” And that, my friends, is the reason I will never have children. Well, that and I lack a uterus. Alco-Mom gives Eddie a hug, and is all, “I know it’s not your fault you ruined my life.” Awwww! How come they don’t put that on a Hallmark card? Seriously.

Okay, so Gabby met Eddie the day she moved onto Wisteria Lane. She’s in her empty house, waiting for the movers, talking on the phone to Carlos about how bored she is and how he works all the time and never takes his shirt off. Suddenly, she hears a noise coming from the bathroom!

Yup. It’s Our Li’l Strangler! He’s, I don’t know, 9 or 10 now. Turns out Eddie’s been playing there since the other people moved out by sneaking through a window. Wait. I mean that Eddie’s been sneaking through the window ever since the people moved out. Not that the people moved out by sneaking through a window. But you probably got that. Never mind. Gabby tells him to leave, but then he calls her pretty, so she says he can stay. Oh, vapid, vapid Gabby. The moving van shows up, and Eddie offers to help her unpack, which Gabby loves. Later on, she drinks a martini while Li’l Eddie paints her nails. Um, is it me, or is that even more creepy than Alco-Mom? At least she doesn’t make him paint her toenails. They bond a little bit while Gabby gossips about the people she hates (who will ironically become her friends — oh, that’s SO clever, Cherry), and she invites him to stay for dinner. Which he will, of course, be cooking. The next day, or whatever, Carlos comes home for a nooner in the bathtub.

Of course, Eddie runs in uninvited and gets all upset when he sees Gabby with another man. Carlos thinks it’s creepy, and even though Eddie has an Alco-Mom, he doesn’t think Gabby should continue the relationship and she should get some friends who don’t read Clifford the Big Red Dog books. Cherry! Did you NOT read my recap last week? Apparently not, because ONCE AGAIN, Carlos forbids Gabby to do her crazy scheme of the week, and then she pouts, and then she gives in. So Gabby goes outside and breaks up with her 9 year-old boyfriend, telling him that they need to find friends their own ages. When Eddie gets back home, Alco-Mom is doin’s the humpty dance with Meth-Man on the couch. So, of course, Eddie goes outside, gets his b.b. gun, and shoots a bird, which we all know is the first step on a path that culminates in throwing a plus-sized girl down a well in your basement and pleading with her not to hurt your toy poodle that she somehow lured down into the well with her.

Bree hired Eddie, as a teenager, to paint her house, and he did such a good job that she decides to pay him mucho extra dinero. Bree tells Eddie that he can spend it on his girlfriend, but Eddie says that “Girls never notice me.”

Bree asks if there’s a girl that Eddie likes, and he says there’s one at school, and tells him to go up and give her a compliment on her eyes, and then woo her, by buying her some expensive crap. A few weeks later, Bree goes over to Eddie’s house to talk to Alco-Mom. Turns out, the girl Eddie likes is Danielle, and Bree doesn’t say it, but she pretty much insinuates that she doesn’t want Danielle to date below her station. Alco-Mom’s like, He’s such a good-for-nothing weirdo, I’ll have a talk with him.

And then things turn awkward. Eddie comes home, and Alco-Mom is all blunt with Eddie, but she’s pretty much saying exactly what Bree was thinking. I’m sure the intent was to paint Bree as the picture of compassion in this scene, but . . . Cherry, I’m sorry, this is season 6, and none of us are dumb enough to fall for that. We KNOW Bree. So cut the crap. Alco-Mom laughs in Eddie’s face, and says that she expected the kind of girl Eddie would end up with would be “inflatable.” Ha! I know she’s supposed to be drunk and devastating, but ha!

A few days later, Eddie’s back to paint Bree’s house, but he doesn’t want to talk about what happened. Bree is all, I wish you would have told me that it was Danielle you were interested in. And Eddie’s all, “Why, so YOU could have told me she was out of my league?” Bree’s like, I would never do that. No, Bree, you wouldn’t. You would just coldly insinuate it. Bree says that Danielle could be his friend, but Eddie’s all, “I don’t want a friend, I want someone to love me!” Sad. Sadness. Bree tells him that there is someone out there for Eddie — he just has to be patient, and there are girls out there who will say yes to him.

Oh, yes, Eddie — there’s one definite type of girl who will say yes to you: A skanky hooker who will do you in an alley. Which is where Eddie ends up — on that one street in Fairview that’s dangerous because it has a neon sign and a streetlight and a cop siren sounding in the distance. And he’s there with a hooker. Okay, the hooker seriously says that “it’s half up front, and half after.” Um, I’ve never been a hooker, nor will I most likely ever be one, but what the hell kind of hooker business logic is it to ask for half of the money AFTER SEX?! I mean, seriously?! Couldn’t the guy just, I don’t know, run off and not pay you the rest?! That’s just bad business sense. Bad hooker! Bad! Poor, misguided Eddie offers her a bouquet of flowers, and she laughs in his face, which, honestly, I would probably do as well. But of course, Eddie can’t have a hooker laughing in his face, now, can he? So, he strangles her.

Three down, two to go. Susan met Eddie when he was working at The Coffee Cup. She spies a sketch that he did of some girl sitting at a table, and says that it’s really good.

Eddie says that his mom doesn’t really approve of his art . . . or 3.2% beer . . . and Susan says that she has “an expensive, worthless art degree that says I know what I’m talking about” and that he has potential. And you know what? I am in love with Susan now. Just for saying that. Because you know what? I also have an expensive, worthless art degree. So Susan is now my favorite character. Deal with it. Susan says that Eddie needs to work on his technique, and she can totally tutor him and help him out with that. Eddie says that Mike was in The Coffee Cup earlier, but Susan says that they’re not together anymore, so we know that this took place last year. Or something. I don’t know, this show’s timelines make less sense than the ones in “Back to the Future Part 2.” She says that Mike is dating “the lady across the street,” which means Katherine, back when she was semi-likable and thought that male genitalia was the bee’s knees.

At her house, a couple weeks later, Susan says that Eddie’s gotten really good at drawing, and she has a surprise for him: She signed him up for a two week seminar at “the art institute.” The name of the class is, coincidentally, “The History of Neck Drawing From 1812-1994: A Hands-On Approach.” Just what Eddie needs! Susan says that she’s already sent the check. Wow, this is abnormally unselfish of Susan, am I right? Look at you, Susan — makin’ me like you and all? Go on, girl! Eddie says Alco-Mom won’t like it, but Susan goes all Dead Poets on Eddie’s ass and says that if he loves something, he has to go for it, no matter what it is.

Two weeks later. Eddie comes back from art camp or whatever all excited about his art, and then Susan comes down in her wedding dress. Turns out, today’s her wedding day to Mike, and she pretty much recaps the last episode of season 5 for Eddie to fill him in on what happened. And Eddie feels like a cuckold, and he’s of course in love with Susan, so he tells her to marry HIM instead of Mike. Well, that’s a tough choice. I need to compare.

Yeah. That’s . . . that’s a tough one.

Susan laughs in Eddie’s face, because she thinks that he’s making her laugh to calm her nerves. Ah, Susan, sweetie, you shouldn’t laugh in Eddie’s face unless you get all the money up front. We’re treated to some stock footage of Susan and Mike’s wedding, but Eddie’s not happy. I’m not either, but mostly because Susan wouldn’t let Mike get married to me. Wearing only a jock strap. Instead of taking out his aggression with Barton Vodka and Wii Tennis like a normal person, Eddie decides to go over to Susan’s for some good ole fashioned handie action. So, when Susan takes out her recycling, Eddie puts his sweet strangle-y moves on her. But ohmigod wait it’s not Susan it’s Julie!

And now Julie’s in the hospital, like she was earlier this season. Is it just me, or does it seem like forever ago? Ah, those were the days, when the season was exciting, and stretched before us, and we could only speculate who the strangler was. Before we found out it was Eddie and stopped caring. Susan’s like, Who could do this? Eddie says that only a pathetic monster could do something like this, and he should kill himself. Susan’s like, Anyone who could do this “is too cowardly for that.” Oh, dip! It’s official: Susan’s the best thing about this episode so far.

Last one, peeps. Lynette has Eddie over for family game night, and tonight it’s charades, and this reminds me of that season 4 episode where Lynette got high and then went over to that party and was hiLARious. I love that episode. I love that season. Sorry. I was just reminiscing about the good times. Eddie guesses Lynette’s clue, which is “My Fair Lady,” although from what I saw it was virtually impossible to guess that from what Lynette was doing. This also reminds me of the time my friends and I played the Sex and the City trivia game, which stupidly includes charades, and I ended up with (I shit you not), “transsexual” as my clue, and my friends spent an entire 30 seconds screaming, “Penis! Boobs! Penis boobs! Penis boobs! PENIS BOOBS!” at the top of their lungs while I frantically thought of something else I could do other than hold my index finger in front of my crotch and then cup my hands in front of my chest. Alas, I couldn’t think of anything else, and after that, coupled with the fact that the next clue was “converting to Judaism,” we decided from then on that the charade portion of the game was theretofore forbidden.

But I totally digress. Anyhoozlebees, Lynette and Co. are enjoying a lovely night of family fun and I don’t think there’s anything that can spoil it.

Well, darnit. Here comes Alco-Mom to piss all over everyone’s fun. AGAIN. Wah wah waaaaaaahhh. She’s there to get Eddie to come home, cuz mama’s outta boooooze! Lynette’s like, Don’t talk to your kid like that! And Alco-Mom’s all, You just take him home with you and feed him dinner so you can feel good about yourself, Lynette! Lynette’s taken aback. Or pissed.

And we’re back to the beginning of the episode where Alco-Mom is out of scotch and she tells Eddie to go get some, and then she finds his scrapbook. Meanwhile, Eddie’s gone over to Lynette’s to fix her car. Lynette tells Tom that she’s really heartbroken over Eddie’s home life, and she’s sick of watching how bad Alco-Mom treats Eddie. Tom says that Eddie’s an adult and can leave whenever he wants. Word, Tom. Word. And Lynette’s like, He’s “probably so damaged he doesn’t know how to leave.” Wellll . . . maybe. Long story short, Lynette and Tom decide to let Eddie stay with them, because 4 additional mouths to feed and one on the way isn’t enough. They want a challenge!

Eddie comes back to his house to find Alco-Mom flipping through the scrapbook. She asks him if he had something to do with the stranglings, and he says he did, and when she says that she didn’t raise him to do something like this, he’s all, “Didn’t you?” I’m sorry, but no, she didn’t. I’m not saying Alco-Mom is the world’s best parent, but seriously — it’s like Marc Cherry found an old After-School Special spec script on alcoholic parents, dusted it off, and said, “This’ll do.” She just . . . drinks a lot and insults him. Which, you guys, I don’t think is cool at all, but still . . . I think this is a really lame set-up to explain “why” Eddie strangles. Oh my god, everyone’s going to hate me. Alco-Mom tries to call the police, and is all, “I always said the worst mistake in my life was having you.” And, to drive her point home, Eddie smashes her on the head with a bottle of scotch. Fatally injured by the thing she loved most of all — scotch. How vaguely ironic. And then Eddie strangles her, just to make sure she’s totally dead.

Wow, Lynette has great timing, because literally 2 seconds after this happens, she shows up to invite Eddie to live with the Scavo family. She sees Alco-Mom laid-out on the floor, but luckily, she only thinks Alco-Mom is passed out drunk on the floor. Eddie’s like, Of course I want to live with you and your family, yay! And after Lynette leaves, he wraps his mom up in a shower curtain and throws her dead body into the trunk of his car. Kids. They grow up so fast. Sunrise, sunset . . .

Next Week: It’s 3 — count ‘em! — 3 psychopaths for the price of 1! Patrick Logan catches up to Angie; Lynette begins to suspect Eddie may be kinda nutty; and Bree meets someone who knows of Sam’s dark past.