Desperate Housewives: If You Want to Flash Back, Look Into a Mirror. It’s All the Rage

Tonight on Desperate Housewives, it’s flashbacks, flashbacks, and more flashbacks as we go back in time to reveal that not much really happened in the past 5 years that we didn’t already know about. Did you know that Gabby had kids? And that Lynette and Tom fought about their future? And that Mike and Susan got divorced? Also, Bree got back on the wagon after Orson went to jail and Tom got electrocuted once. And Dave becomes 1% creepier, bringing his creepiness factor up to 8%. Flashbacks!

No matter how much time passes, dumb ass Tom stays the same.

Alright. I’ve got my rum and Diet Pepsi working its mojo, so let’s get this show on the road. Mary Alice voiceovers about how a surprise birthday party should have been a good time, but it wasn’t. I see cookies and little mini brownies, so I don’t know why no one’s having fun. Yes, I am that guy at the party who stands in front of the food table, shoving cheese and crackers in my face, only pausing to take a swig of my Miller Lite, or to say, “Holy crap, have you tried the brie? Ohmigosh it’s SO good! And these mini cheesecakes! So. Freaking. Awesome.” Even at my own parties.

Anysnooch, we see Tom yell at Lynette and call her a “buzzkill.” So, just another night for the Scavos. Jackson asks Susan if it would bother her if he were with another woman, and when she says no, he kisses Katherine. Finally, Mayfair gets a little bowm-chicka-wow-wow. Carlos apologizes to Gabby for lying. Bree tells Orson that he’s putting her in an awful position. The reverse cowgirl? The donkey punch? The dirty Sanchez? And then he’s all, I’ll make it simpler for you: “I want a divorce.” And, you know, a pot roast on the way out. Geez, George & Martha and Nick & Honey throw a better party than this one. I’m just waiting for someone to drink too much bourbon and sob about killing some imaginary son.

Turns out, this was a surprise birthday party for McCluskey (aw!), who opens the door, baseball bat in hand, and says to Dave, “You think you can screw with me?” She attempts to whack Dave. With the baseball bat, you pervert! She misses and hits the cake. Yes, it’s Edward Albee night on Wisteria Lane, sweeties. Grab a bottle of gin, hunker down, and pray for daylight.

Stay off my lawn, you damn kids!

Mary Alice voiceovers while Gabby puts lipstick on in front of the mirror, getting ready for the party. But something comes across her mind, and she opens her day planner. Oh no! She forgot to return Pretty Woman and Bridget Jones’s Diary to Blockbuster! Now she’ll have to pay a fine. Or, maybe she missed her period. Do women actually write those down in a date book? Or is that just a TV thing? Discuss. Juanita saunters over and Gabby talks about her “friend,” who’s late. Gabby doesn’t want another kid. And suddenly everything gets foggy and I . . . I see pretty Gabby. Did I pass out from too many rum and Diet Pepsis, and drunkenly stumble over to my DVD player and put in an actual good season? Is this season 1 or 3? Ah, no. This, my friends, is a flashback.

Gabby sits in doctor’s waiting room and — Oh my gosh! The doctor is Tim Bagley! He was Larry on Will & Grace and he’s such a cutie! Gabby slaps Dr. Tim when he tells her that she’s pregnant. And she slaps him again when he tells her there’s a high probability of twins. Back at Casa de Whiny Hot Woman (For Now), Gabby yells to Carlos about being pregnant, and Carlos wants her to realize it’s a blessing. Blind Carlos is all philosophical and crap. Remember when he used to beat up gay people and tamper with birth control pills? Sigh. Those were the days, folks. Those were the days.

I used to see gay people and now I don’t! Blessings!

So, Gabby’s back in Dr. Tim’s office, looking less fabby, more shabby, and he again tells her she’s preggers. She yells at Carlos when she gets home, including a hilarious impression of him where she goes, “‘Oh Gabby, why do I need to wear a condom? There’s no way lightning’s going to strike twice!’” Dude, Emmy nomination for Eva Longoria Parker. I’m not saying she has to win, but man – that ho is funny when she’s ugly!

Oh, dip — Gabby wants Carlos to get a vasectomy! Flash forward to the present, which is actually the future, and Gabby and Carlos are walking to the party. Now, let’s all think about what the two of them were fighting about in the beginning of this episode, shall we? I don’t think we need Jessica Fletcher to tell us what that’s all about. Although it would be cool if she showed up with Sheriff Amos Tupper, just so McCluskey would have someone to flirt with. As they walk, they discuss how Gabby may be pregnant, but that’s impossible(!) because Carlos had a vasectomy. Gabby says she’s going to talk to Bob about it, since he’s a lawyer and she can sue the son of a bitch doctor who botched it when he snipped Carlos’s junk. Oh, how I envy that doctor – seeing Carlos’s . . . oh, my. I just got the vapors. But yay! The gay dudes are going to be in this episode! Carlos doesn’t want to Gabby to talk to Bob because . . . he never got a vasectomy. Who’s surprised? No one, that’s who.

Why does everyone around me keep dying?

Mary Alice voiceovers as Susan “does” her eyebrows in the mirror. She pretty much says that Susan’s “doing” her eyebrows in the mirror. Thanks, Mary “Completely Obvious and Therefore Totally Not Needed Voiceover” Alice. Jackson comes in, all in a hurry, and Susan tells him she needs him to “pour the cheap vodka in the expensive bottles.” Ha! I’m totally doing that at my next party. Y’all gonna be thinking you got some sweet Skyy with your tonic, but really, it’ll be that Viaka crap that comes in a plastic bottle.

Ugh, Jackson, cut your hair! My friend Sarah’s girlfriend, Patty, had that exact same haircut, and she rocked it hardcore, but Jackson, honey – no. Supercuts. I’m sure there’s one on the way home. Speaking of home, Jackson complains about having to go home to get clothes or something? I’m not really sure. Damn, Jackson’s high maintenance. Susan offers to clear out some closet space. Why not just give him Julie’s closet, Susan? Because you haven’t mentioned her once this season and clearly, you don’t give two shits about her anymore. You probably turned her bedroom into an office, you remorseless harpy! Jackson says he wants to move in with Susan. Flashback to when Jackson first arrived at Susan’s, and they’re talking about changing the paint in her bedroom. Jackson says that the room smells good, and Susan turns that into something all about her, and accuses Jackson of coming on to her. Susan apologizes and hires him on the spot.

I’m off to search for Zelda now.

Geez! We’re thrown into another flashback so fast that I think I got whiplash! Expect a stern letter from my lawyer, Cherry. Susan and Mike are at a lawyer’s office, signing the divorce papers. Uh-oh, Suzy-Q’s got second thoughts, but Mike’s laying down the law. Susan says they can get back to the place they were before the accident, and has a mini-breakdown about how things used to be. Mike says the only way to make things right again is to get divorced. He signs the papers and leaves. Ouchies, Suzy-Q. Harsh.

When she gets back, Jackson is painting the kitchen wall. What’s more interesting? The paint or Jackson? I’m going with the paint. Susan asks him if he likes scotch, but what she really means to ask him is if he’d like to see her naughty bits, because we cut to them post-coitus. They talk about how they both want to keep it casual. And we flashback to now, which is really the future . . . man, this is too much. Suffice to say it’s the night of the party. Susan says no to Jackson moving in (atta girl!), and Jackson’s all, “I think I love you.” Then what are you so afraid of, Jackson? Are afraid that you’re not sure of . . . a love there is no cure for? Isn’t that what life is made of? I know it worries you to say that you’ve never felt this way. Dang. That song is really, really stupid. Commercials.

Who will be next on our whirlwind tour of flashbacks? It’s Lynette. She’s checking for gray hairs in the mirror. I know, because Mary Alice tells me so. She sees Penny outside, sitting in the front seat of her dad’s convertible. The li’l darlin’ asks if her daddy’s dying because Porter and Preston were arguing about who gets Tom’s car when he dies. Lynette puts out this fire, and we’re treated to yet another flashback. Lynette’s at the hospital. Turns out Tom had a shock at the restaurant. Literally, cuz he was doing electric work. Now the doctor’s gotta tinker with his ticker. Tom’s all emotional on the hospital bed, saying that there’s got to be more to his life than pizza. Oh, but there is, Tom! There’s breadsticks and salad!

I don’t remember there being grey hairs in this wig, but I might as well check.

And another flash-back/forward to when Tom got his convertible. Lynette ain’t happy about it, but Lynette ain’t happy about much when it comes to Tom. He breaks out the But-I-Almost-Died! Card, and she shuts her yap. Back to the night of the party. Tom pulls up just in time for McCluskey’s party and tells Lynette that a.) he got an offer from someone who wants to buy the restaurant, and b.) he wants to use the money to buy an R.V. You can practically see the steam coming from Lynette’s ears. Orson and Bree walk briskly by, clearly pissed off.

Commercials. Let’s use this time to figure out what Bree will be doing in front of the mirror. My money’s on her taking off her wig to reveal (gasp!) a hideous scar! You blew up Melrose Place, you crazy bitch! Ah. Sorry. I just realized it’s not 1995, I’m not a sophomore in high school, and I’m not watching Fox. Bree “not Kimberly” Hodge is actually putting mascara on in front of the mirror. And her hair looks fabulous. You can’t even see the hideous scar. Orson’s all dressed up for Bree’s announcement of Orson as her partner in the baking biz. Bree’s not down with that, because she hasn’t told Katherine yet. Why is it so difficult, Orson asks? Oh, it’s a long story, Orson . . . one that requires tinkly music and a lighting change and a fadeout. You know, I wish they’d use those squiggly lines that they used for flashbacks in Saved By the Bell. Those were so much more awesome.

Nice Teri Hatcher impression. Now stop being rude.

In the past, Orson finishes a glass of champagne as Bree hosts a small brunch, with Katherine, Bob and Lee as guests. Yay! Tuc Watkins has his shirt on, which is wrong, just wrong. Turns out the brunch is the day before Orson goes to jail. Everyone makes obvious jail jokes, which makes Bree a little pissed. So pissed, that she goes to the kitchen and downs a glass of champagne. Someone just hopped back on the drinkin’ wagon!

A couple days or weeks or months or years later, Katherine walks into Bree’s bedroom to wake her from her drunken stupor. Over coffee in the kitchen, Bree says that because of Orson going off to jail and Danielle taking Benjamin, she started drinking again. Katherine says that Bree needs to fill her void with work and stuff instead of alcohol, and to help Bree, Katherine’s moving in to whip her lily-white Conservative ass into shape. When Katherine had nothing, she says, Bree made her a partner and gave her something to live for. Aw, that’s sweet. So, back to the night of the party. Bree doesn’t want to put Katherine in a bad position; Orson doesn’t care, so Bree says that he’s fired. I’m sure Orson will handle it like an adult. An adult that wears Pampers instead of underwear.

Exhibit A: Gay people are still on the show.

Finally. We’re at the party. Mary Alice voiceovers about the party as if she’s reading a book to us at bedtime. Dave brings in the cake and looks in the mirror. I wonder what that means. Sure enough, we flashback to a few weeks earlier. Dave catches McCluskey going through his mail, and he asks Edie about her when he gets inside. Turns out, her 70th birthday is coming up. Dave says that they should throw a party, but Edie doesn’t want stinky McCluskey in their house. So, she says Susan could throw it.

Dave wants to make sure McCluskey’s party is special. Flash-forward to the party for 2 seconds to see Dave’s face in the mirror. Pointless.

I was hoping for a little pre-beige hair action myself.

And another freaking flashback to the night of the party, at Dave and Edie’s. McCluskey comes in for her annual girls’ night out with Edie. Once they leave, Dave, dressed all in black, breaks into McCluskey’s home to eat her ribbon candy and treat himself to some ice milk bars. Good thing he covered up his hair – you can see that crap from space. He rearranges some stuff in her house, you know, to make her think she’s more batty than usual. Aren’t you guys scared of Dave? I mean, he has shiny hair, he likes to play the drums, and he will break into your home and rearrange your miscellaneous items! Aaaaaaaaa! Lame. When McCluskey comes in, she immediately knows that Dave has effed her over, and she grabs the bat. Kick that shiny-haired drum-playing stuff-shifting bastard’s ass!

And we’re back where we started: The beginning of the party for the people of Wisteria Lane, and a double rum and Diet Pepsi for me. Look, I’m not going to recap my recap. Just go to the first page and read the first paragraph. Oh, fine, you lazy bastard.

We now know that Tom and Lynette are arguing about an R.V. and their future; that Orson and Bree are arguing about how Bree won’t give Orson the chance he needs and so Big Baby’s solution is to get a divorce. Wah! Typical man — “Instead of talking through our problems, I’ll just break up with you so I won’t have to deal with them! Sweet!” Gabby and Carlos are arguing about how Carlos lied to Gabby about getting a vasectomy – which, coming from a man who, again, tampered with your birth control pills a while ago, shouldn’t be quite a surprise Gabrielle. Jackson and Susan are arguing about how Susan still wants to keep things casual even though Jackson’s in luuurrve, and so he plants a wet one on Katherine to (sort of) see if Susan gets jealous. And she doesn’t. Where’s Mike? Wasn’t he invited to this party?

Who else wishes Mike was here? No one? No one?

Anyhoo, McCluskey comes in again and tries to whack Dave with the bat. Is Dave a piñata? If you hit him with a bat will something actually interesting fall out of him? Everyone’s all, what the eff are you doing, you 70 year-old weirdo? She explains about how Dave broke in and rearranged her stuff, and also he stole her cat and then put him back. No one believes her, and Dave gives her a sort of evil grin, but it’s more annoying than anything. Still, I guess he’s a weirdo, but the least weird of the weirdos this show has ever seen. I mean, geez, even Danielle was more psycho than this guy! I guess Gabby missed this whole thing, because she comes jumping out of the bathroom all loud and proud about Aunt Flo coming to her place for a visit. Awkward.

They called the police on McCluskey, and Dave’s all, “I think she has dementia.” Liar. Jackson tells Susan he wants to keep going forward, but Susan doesn’t, she just wants it casual, and so they break up. Wow. That didn’t last long. Bree tells Orson she hopes he didn’t mean what he said about getting a divorce. And he asks her why she thinks she owes so much to Katherine, and so she begins to explain. Meanwhile, Tom and Lynette discuss what happened, and Tom says that he was the one on the hospital bed and he doesn’t want his life to suck. And just as I’m thinking, “Um, Lynette had cancer, dumbass” Lynette says pretty much the same thing.

Hello? I still have the wig, asshole!

She knows that Tom wants his life to count for something, and Tom says he needs adventure. Lynette, 100% in the right, says that the pizza place WAS the adventure, and now Tom’s bored, and they can’t just stop and put everything down for another adventure. Carlos and Gabby sit on their porch, and Carlos says that he couldn’t shake the idea that “maybe God had another miracle” in store for them, and that’s why he lied about the vasectomy. Even though Carlos says he’ll schedule one, Gabby says they can just use birth control. Orson goes over to Katherine’s house, and thanks her for being there for Bree, and says that he’ll be a partner when Katherine says he’s ready to be a partner. So, everything ended up in neat little packages with pretty little bows on top. Snooze.

Dave asks to say goodbye to McCluskey in the ambulance. On the gurney, McCluskey says that Dave is trying to get rid of her, and he tells her she’s right. McCluskey says he’s up to something awful, and Dave says, “You don’t know what awful is.” Oh, but I do. It’s called “Hulk,” starring Eric Bana and Jennifer Connelly and directed by Ang Lee. Man, I hate that movie. Mary Alice is back to tuck us in for the night, blabbing about surprises. Dave walks into his house, and I’m praying to Cherry for something, anything, and this is what we get: Mary Alice: “It wouldn’t be long now before he [Dave] destroyed the man who had ruined his life. But he knew he had to move carefully. After all, he wanted it to be a surprise.” And credits. Effing credits. Are you kidding me? This is all we get? No photo? No opening of a briefcase to reveal a handgun or bomb or ninja throwing star or, I don’t know, a strap-on? Bad Cherry! Bad!

I’m with ya, honey.

Allegedly on next week’s episode: More Susan and Jackson drama; more Bree and Orson drama; Lynette grounds one of her kids. Fascinating. But hang on kids, word has it Lily Tomlin will be around soon! Maybe she’ll call Dave a sexist, egotistical, lying hypocritical bigot and fill his coffee with rat poison instead of Skinny & Sweet!