Desperate Housewives: Oldgasms

This week on Desperate Housewives, Carlos has the magic touch when it comes to the mom on Six Feet Under, Dave reveals quite a bit more about his mysteriousness, Porter has an interesting liaison, and Katherine has sex for the first time in 2 years. But best of all: Lily freakin’ Tomlin!

I guess McCluskey has forgiven you for going long with the Laugh In crap at the Emmy’s, robbing her of her bit. The scandal!

Oooh, the first thing we see is Carlos in his masseur outfit. Mary Alice voiceovers about how much the ladies love them some Mr. Solis. One middle-aged woman loves him so much that she has her own little happy ending. I have to say that I’m one of those people who really doesn’t like getting massages all that much, but I pretty much have a little orgasm whenever I see Ricardo Antonio Chavira, so I sympathize with this old broad.

Carlos asks Clay, his cute co-worker, if he’s ever accidentally given a woman la petite mort, and Clay’s all, “Accidental? I have a hard enough time giving my girlfriend a regular one. And I try really, really hard.” Maybe it’s because your girlfriend knows you’re gay, Clay. I mean, it’s so obvious. Clay insinuates that Carlos didn’t know what he was touching, and Carlos begins yet another sentence with, “I may be blind . . .” It’s his catchphrase. Whoa – that old orgasmic ho tipped Carlos $300! He shows the money to Gabby when he gets home, and Gabby likey! But he obviously doesn’t tell her how he got the huge tip. Also? I think Carlos’s hair is ten times grayer than last week. By next week he’ll be like Dave.

This guy gave her an orgasm too, so don’t be too flattered.

Shortened credits. Man, whoever created that full credit sequence must be pissed. Mary Alice blahs about dangerous women and how you can tell they’re dangerous from what they wear, but mostly how they behave . . . with another woman’s husband. In this case, Tom Scavo. Some blonde chick (who looks really familiar) named Anne, flirts with Tom until Lynette shows up. Anne is showing Tom a big empty loft-type space for his “band,” The Tom Scavo Experience Featuring The Wisteria Lane Cuckolds. Or, if y’all want to suggest a name for Tom’s band in the comments — winner gets his/her band name used from here on. Lynette is immediately on board and sold on that idea! And she says so without sounding the least bit passive-aggressive. And I’m lying. Tom signs the lease on the spot.

Susan’s in her kitchen, blabbing to someone about how Jackson wanted to move in and that’s just crazy, right? For a few seconds, I was thinking to myself, “It’s Julie! She’s talking to Julie! Julie’s back!” But unless Julie’s now a middle-aged black man, it’s not her. I mean, she could be – it’s been a crazy 5 years in the Eagle State. The only black man in Fairview, Frank, is doing some painting for Suzy-Q. He gives her some advice on love and pride and prejudice, and Susan offers to pay him more than she is now. Old lady orgasms, real estate and paint! This episode rocks!

Actually, they should recast Julie with this guy. He’s way better.

Back at the Solis’ house, Carlos introduces Gabby to the mom from Six Feet Under. I’ve never seen that show, and I’m a little sick of people saying, “Oh my gosh you haven’t seen it!? It’s SO good! You would love it!” Would I? Would I?! On this show, she’s Mrs. Hildebrand, or as we all know her, Mrs. Moist As a Snack Cake Down There. The gal who . . . you know . . . all over the massage table. She tells Gabby that Carlos has cured her back pain. Yeah, and your vagina pain, eh Mrs. Hildebrand? Apparently, she wants to take Carlos with her to Europe for two months as her personal masseur. That’s crazy, until she says she’ll pay him $50,000! Wha? I’d touch 50-year-old ladies for $50,000. Heck, I’d do more than touch. Wait, no I wouldn’t. Gabby, of course, is all for it.

In Bree’s food compound, Orson walks in with great news. Seems he got a call from his old friend Peter (from college), and Orson convinced Peter to have Bree & Co. cater his parent’s 50th wedding anniversary. It’s a party of 80, which excites Bree. Nothing turns her on like the thought of sheet cakes and butter mints. Orson’s getting some over-the-sweater action tonight! And, I must say this: Kyle MacLachlan is looking yummy in his office-wear. I swear, this show really makes me have a thing for suburban 45 year-old men. Screw Boys Town, I’m going to Skokie!

Katherine, however, is not happy. She wants to leave to marinate some scallops, but it turns out Orson did that and has taken care of everything else. Bree tells Katherine to take the day off and put up her feet. Katherine: “What do you bet I take my socks off and see that Orson’s already done it for me?” Whoever wrote that line should be fired. Or at least sharply reprimanded, because it’s not funny and it doesn’t really make sense. Whatev. Suffice to say, Katherine’s pissed, and Bree finds her in a few, scrubbing out the refrigerator. Katherine says that she’s thinking of moving to Maryland to be with Dylan and her husband and their incoming baby. It seems she just has a job in Fairview and nothing else – Katherine hasn’t had sex in 2 years, so she might as well be a grandma. Oh, Katie, don’t give up! Wisteria Lane is a buffet of hot middle-aged men, and some bitch is always leaving out her leftovers. She tells Bree that she hasn’t made up her mind, but she’s thinking it over.

I don’t believe the whole not had sex in two years thing. She’s dripping sex.

Edie brings some flowers to McCluskey in the hospital. Aw, that’s sweet. But Edie is still furious with McCluskey for trying to bash her bleached-out boy’s brains in with a baseball bat. Alliteration is fun! McCluskey explains that she was on new meds that made her loopy, so that’s why she did what she did. Is this a ploy, or is that what McCluskey really believes? Stay tuned. I know I will. Because I have to. McCluskey tells Edie that she needs to get some sleep, and as Edie leaves, she tells her that she’s going to call her sister and stay with her for a while, as she doesn’t think she should be on her own. As soon as Edie leaves, McCluskey picks up her cell phone, and the plucky strings on the soundtrack mean that she’s up to something! She’s all, “Hey sis! Bring your sorry ass over to Fairview Memorial ASAP. I need you big-time, kiddo.” Yay! Another McCluskey!

Back at the Bree Compound, Peter (Orson’s friend) comes in to talk to Bree about his parent’s anniversary dinner party thing. He’s a handsome buck, and when Bree spies a picture of Katherine, the wheels in her head begin spinning right round baby, right round, like a record baby, right round round round. They blah about the location and crap. Bree segues into questions about his relationship (single) and says that her best chef can make a sample dinner. She gives Katherine the “sample dinner” news, and when Katherine complains about being set up, Bree says that it can be a business dinner and therefore tax-deductible. Katherine says she’ll cook, but she won’t get all gussied up. Bree says that when Peter came in, she let him leave a video message on her iPhone for Orson, since he missed him. Um, that’s not weird or creepy or stupid at all. But it does help move the plot along. Bree shows the message to Katherine, who is now planning on what slutty outfit she can wear to the tax-deductible smoochie fest.

Back at the hospital, someone sprays mist on McCluskey as she’s sleeping, and McCluskey’s all, “Geez, Roberta!” Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! Roberta is played by Lily Tomlin! Skinny and sweet! Galaxy Glue! Cussing out David Russell on the set of I Heart Huckabees! What is there not to love about Lily Tomlin? Finally – a season 5 I can get on board with! Bless your Log Cabin ass, Cherry. Roberta is smoking and drinking bourbon out of a coffee cup, and wearing cheetah print. Ha! Anyway, they shoot the shit for a little bit, and McCluskey asks if she can come live with Roberta for a while, and gives her the skinny (no sweet) on Dave. Roberta works for Teleshore, a cell phone company, which works out perfectly since Dave’s cell phone co. is Teleshore as well (remember when McCluskey went through his mail? That’s how she knows.). Roberta agrees to look into Dave’s records. McCluskey asks Roberta to smuggle in a cold beer for her, and Roberta pulls out a tallboy of some cheap domestic beer. Ha! Oh, I dearly hope we get to see more of these two. Gold! Pure gold.

Is a frog’s ass water tight?

Susan knocks on Jackson’s apartment door, with some pathetic tin of take-out. His apartment door is ajar, and Susan hears the shower running. Thinking it’s a good idea, Susan takes off all her clothes and enters the bedroom. Since it’s Susan, we all know this ain’t gonna turn out like she planned. Sure enough, Suzy-Q opens the shower door to find a naked lady, who in turn squirts shampoo all over Susan’s face and eyes. In her blind confusion, Susan accidentally pushes the girl against the shower wall and knocks her out cold. Okay, I totally LOLed, because you guys, that was some funny crap.

Back in Jackson’s kitchen, Susan, with radiant and shiny hair, asks if Naked Lady is okay as she holds ice on her head. They’re both all, “Who the hell are you?” Susan, audience — meet Darcy. Darcy – Susan, audience. Susan says she’s Jackson’s girlfriend; Darcy says Jackson didn’t mention a girlfriend at “the club;” Susan calls Darcy a slut. Meow! Jackson enters with a pizza and is all, “Oh . . . crap.” Susan is a complete beyotch to Jackson and whines about how he got over her real fast and slept with another girl “15 minutes” after they broke up. The two of them argue about their relationship problems and a future or lack thereof. Three words, y’all: Ross and Rachel.

Lee goes over to Lynette’s house with a bottle of some fancy liquor, and says that they should celebrate the fact that The Tom Scavo Experience has found someplace other than the garage to rehearse. Oh, I hope Lynette gets drunk! I love Drunk Lynette. And drunk Lee could be fun too. One of the Damons (damn, long time no see) comes down with his friend Kirby. It’s Porter, and he is staying the night at Kirby’s; Kirby’s mom is Anne. The one who sold Tom the “rehearsal space.” Kirby lets it slip that his mom was over there the other day. Oopsies. Lynette is confused, and then pissed in her tight-lipped way. Kirby says his mom was there to help drop off a futon. Lee is all, why does Tom need a bed? Hmmm, interesting point, Lee. Interesting and paranoid. Lynette tries to make nothing out of it and fails.

Bad gay neighbor. Bad.

Over at . . . rehearsal . . . The Tom Scavo Experience is just ending one of their hardcore jam sessions. These are the early days of The Tom Scavo Experience, before Carlos quit the band and tried to branch out on his own with an experimental collaboration album with Yoko Ono. Before Orson got hooked on blow and lit a hotel room on fire. Would the band survive those trying times? We’ll find out tonight on VH1′s Behind the Music.

Oh, hey, Mike’s in the band. When they all break for a beer, Dave compliments Mike on “having the heart of a blues man.” Mike says that that’s what the big house will do to you, and Dave says that yeah, he’d heard about Mike’s stint in the slammer. Dave wants to amp up the rehearsal schedule. Seriously. Mike’s not sure about that, and Dave asks what’s more important than The Tom Scavo Experience. Um, how about everything, Dave? Geez, taking a crap is more important than your stupid band. Mike talks about his work, son, and apparently he just started seeing a girl. Dave insists, and Mike calls him out on being weird about the band. As sinister music plays in the background, Dave says he just likes to have fun. Ugh, lame. We knew Betty Applewhite’s secret in the first episode of season 2, you stupid writers! Mary Alice shot herself in the freaking pilot episode! Please, give us something to latch onto besides stealing a cat and returning it, re-arranging pictures on a wall, and really really wanting to form a band (really really with Mike).

Lynette sits by herself at home. Welcome to the club, lady. She answers the phone, and it’s Tom on the other line, who says that they just really got “into a groove” at rehearsal and he’ll be home tomorrow morning, which is okay by Lynette. Although, it’s odd, because outside her window, she sees Mike and Orson. So, our little lonely-hearts goes down to the loft and what does she see? Tom making sweet, sweet love . . . to his video games. And seriously, the special sound effects sound like Pong.

Oh shit. You’re not the sexy cheating husband. You’re just a really sad sad dork.

Tom tells Lynette he wanted to hang out for a bit, and Lynette freaks the eff out and is all, You’re having an affair and you’re leaving me and moving out! Tom says that he just needed some time away from everything, but if all this new stuff like the car (which is actually not new, by the way) and the band is making her bat-shit crazy insane jealous (which, actually, Lynette has always been, by the way), then he’s done with it all. Atta boy, Tom. Cave like you always do. Lynette wants him to come home and while they’re hugging, Tom spies a condom wrapper on the floor and hides it with his foot. Oh, dip! Is Tom having an affair? I actually kind of hope so. There. I said it. Lynette says, “Maybe when you come home you can teach me how to play that video game.” It’s Pong, Lynette. Can’t be that hard. Man, Lynette looks beat. Tom picks up the condom wrapper and stares at it, as if to say, “Extra large? Who was I kidding. Next time I’ll get a medium.”

Hey, remember Gabby? Yeah, she’s back and at the country club, looking for Carlos. She finds Clay, and tells him all about the Mrs. Hildebrand/Europe thing. She’s happy about it until Clay tells her about the orgasm thing. Which Gabby’s not too cool with. Clay says Carlos is at Mrs. Hildebrand’s, giving her his magic touch.

At Susan’s, Jackson says that the two of them need to talk. About your hair, Jackson? Because that’d be a conversation worth having. They argue about the same old crap – oh, where’s our future? Why did you push me away? Why can’t you let me in? Why are you jealous when YOU broke up with ME? Susan wants to start over, and asks Jackson if they even can. Jackson leaves without saying goodbye, and Susan sits for a second, wondering if it’s time for one of her patented squeals. No, Susan. It’s never time for that. The phone rings, and who’s on the other end? It’s Jackson. He re-introduces himself. They pretend they’re just starting out and set up a first date. It’s so cute it makes me want to throw up. Repeatedly. And then throw up again when I see Jackson’s hair.

By the way, when did Julie turn into a fifty year old black man?

Gabby rushes into Mrs. Hildebrand’s house and runs past her maid, demanding to be seen. After sitting patiently for half a second, Gabby runs upstairs and sneaks a peak at Mrs. Hildebrand’s session. Although, sneak may not be the right word, as Mrs. Hildebrand spots Gabby almost immediately. After getting rid of Carlos, Mrs. Hildebrand confronts Gabby, who in turn confronts Mrs. Hildebrand regarding “the big ‘O.’” Gabby says there’s no way that Carlos can go with her, but Mrs. Hildebrand talks about being alone, and about how her husband’s gone and her family is estranged. Carlos opened her up (so to speak) and she’s grateful. That softens the blow (so to speak) a little for Gabby, but what really melts her butter is when Mrs. Hildebrand starts talking about going to Paris and Rome to see the haute couture, and wouldn’t Gabby like to come along since she used to be a fabulous fashion model? Or how about being a personal shopper and getting paid in dresses? Gabby talks about the girls, and Mrs. Hildebrand’s all, “Bring them along! Think of how much fun we’ll have dressing them up!” Well, not Juanita. We all saw how much “fun” that was in the first episode of this season. Gabby agrees on the spot. Speaking of the spot, Mrs. Hildebrand calls Carlos back in, and Gabby slips out, Carlos never being the wiser to the meeting that just transpired. Poor blind bastard.

Dave looks at some stupid logo on his computer screen, which says, “Blue Odyssey.” It’s like some logo a 10h grader made up for an economics project. Edie comes in and Dave says that it’s a logo for the band. Geez, Dave and Cherry! Enough with the band! It’s not creepy, it’s just stupid! Dave says that “Blue Odyssey” was the name of his brother’s band in high school. Ah, so a little more back-story, eh, Cherry? Still not enough. Turns out, Dave’s brother died. What happened, Edie asks? Dave: “His name was Steve. And he was a great guy. Just kind of got caught up in drugs and couldn’t get out. Went to prison, and when he was there, he was killed. By another inmate.” Edie asks what happened, and Dave explains that it was ruled self-defense. The guy “served his time and got out.” Edie tells him it may help to talk about things like that, but Dave says he has his own way of dealing with it. Ding ding ding! I know what’s going on now, people. I know why Dave’s here and whom he has a vendetta against. Do you? Oh, wait. But there is another scenario . . . Hmmm. Fascinating. Sort of. Also, I’d love the band more if it were called “Blü Odyssey.”

Beige hair? Unsolved.

Orson lugs his big-ass keyboard home (oh please let him play the keytar in an episode!), saying that he gets to sing lead vocals on “Hotel California.” Such a lovely place. Such a lovely face. Bree couldn’t care less, and asks if Orson saw a blü convertible outside Katherine’s house. He did, so Bree knows that Katherine and Peter are having fun. Orson’s all, “Peter? You set her up with Katherine?” Bree’s disappointed and suggests that Peter’s gay because of all the product in his hair. Hee. Turns out, Orson lied. He doesn’t know Peter from college, he knows Peter from the clink. Peter was arrested for organ trafficking, which I could be willing to overlook, personally. Peter used to be a surgeon who used to steal organs when he could from dead patients and sell them on the black market. Bree calls Katherine to ask how it’s going, and apparently it’s going great, because Katie and Peter did the deed. Katherine luuuurrrrves him and says . . . sigh . . . that he could steal her heart. Wow, who is writing Katherine’s dialogue? Is it you, Cherry? Because you’re giving her stupid crap.

At the Bree Compound, Bree is mixing a cosmo for Katherine, and even though it’s 10:00am, Katherine knocks it down when she hears the news about Peter. Katie wants to leave for Maryland because now that Bree’s life is all perfect (which, pot roast abuse aside, it kind of is), Katherine feels like such a loser. Katherine says she should be with family, and Bree says that Katherine is family – like a sister. In a heartfelt (for Bree) speech, Bree says she’d be broken if Katherine left. So, Katherine’s staying, and they start to make pies.

Oh lighten up. He’s an entrepreneur!

Lynette is in her master bedroom, and Tom bursts in all antsy, asking if Porter is still at Kirby Schilling’s house (now, let’s remember that Kirby’s mom is Anne, whore of the Blü Odyssey rehearsal space). He says that he thinks he left the freezer door open at Scavo’s so he better check. Lynette tells him to hurry back. Cut to Anne Schilling lying in the futon at the band’s loft, draped in a sheet. She says, “I’m so glad you could get away. I didn’t think you’d make it.” And who is she revealed to be speaking to? None other than Porter Scavo! Homeboy pulled a John Rowland! There’s a noise outside, and Porter discovers it’s his dad. Tom rushes in just as Porter is putting on his shoes. Tom figured it was someone in Blü Odyssey until he remembered that Porter had a key. Porter convinces Tom not to burst in on the bedroom, saying it’s “some girl from English class,” so Tom gives Porter 60 seconds to get her the eff out of Dodge. However, Lynette “Can Never Ever Trust My Husband” Scavo has pulled up just in time to see Anne leaving. Great.

Katherine’s walking back to her place, and on her way she spies Mike, and comments on how handsome he looks (in a neighborly way). Mike says he was on a disastrous date, and says he just wants someone nice to have coffee with. And although Katherine says it’s too late for coffee, she does have lemonade. Yeah, Mike will settle for lemonade. See Katie? Leftovers.

Tom and Porter arrive back home, and have a heart to heart in the driveway, Tom saying that he doesn’t think Porter is emotionally ready to have sex. That’s kind of insulting. And true. As they hug, Porter sees Anne’s car, and excusing himself to pull Tom’s car around – which is actually in the driveway, I might add – goes to his cradle-robbing girlfriend. Porter tells her Tom doesn’t expect anything, and that she’s worth any trouble that may arise.

What’s there to be jealous of? You’re like twins!

As Mary Alice voiceovers, Lynette angrily packs her bags. Mrs. Hildebrand brushes her hair (Mary Alice: “Some [women] are predators, deviously setting traps to get what they want.”). McCluskey pulls up to her house and Roberta hands her a manila envelope, telling her Dave is keeping a little secret. Well, we should find out what that is in the next 11 or so episodes.

Allegedly on the next DH: The truth about Dave, the truth about Porter, the truth about Katherine . . . it’s pretty much all about truth.