Desperate Housewives: Tears of a Clown

This week on Desperate Housewives, tension builds in the Scavo house as Tom and Lynette find out about Porter’s liaison, Mrs. Hildebrand tries to buy the Solis’ love, Susan finds out Jackson has a hidden “talent,”, Bree and Orson get down and dirty, and Lynette totally beats the shit out of someone.

Why are you accusing me of hiding something? You’re the one in last year’s wig.

You guys, I apologize for the lateness of this one. I just started a new part-time job, and with my other part-time job, and school, well . . . my bad. But I love you so much that I’m actually writing this recap on the Red Line to downtown. What’s that you say? You don’t care? You’re just here for the recap? Fine. Just fine. So let’s get started!

It’s the same night as last week. For the people on the show, not for you. It’s five minutes later. Again, not for you. Mary Alice voiceovers that there was a slight misunderstanding that night at the Scavo’s. Isn’t the Scavo family motto? “The Scavo’s – Where every day is a misunderstanding.” Lynette suspects that Tom is having an affair with Anne Kirby, and of course her response is to yell at Tom. Does she take Tom’s balls out of her pants pockets before she washes them? Tom, thinking that she knows that it’s Porter and his “girl from English class,” is all, “Boys will be boys!” Lynette is shocked, shocked(!) at Tom’s response. They go back and forth until Porter gets in, and Lynette’s all, “You’re having sex with your best friend’s mother?!” If I had a dime for every time my mom said that . . .

Biggest acting turn this kid’s taken all season.

After the credits, Mary Alice blahs about desire. Gabby takes clothes out of shopping bags, and over at Edie’s house, Edie licks a bit of frosting off a cupcake. Get a good look at her kids, cuz this is all the Edie you get in this episode. Is Nicolette Sheridan pregnant or something? She’s never around. If she’s still dating Michael Bolton, I hope the kid gets her hair, cuz ain’t no one wanna see that tousled crap on a kid. Unless it’s Keri Russell in Felicity. Aah, Felicity. Why did you choose Ben over Noel? WHY?!

It takes more than the occasional surgery to keep a woman her age this thin.

Porter sulks over at the Scavo’s. Lynette orders Porter to call Anne and break it off. Porter explains that Anne’s husband is a violent psycho, and if he finds out and hurts her, then by gum, he’s out of the house. Lynette says that if he doesn’t end it, then SHE will throw HIM out. And with that, Lynette has become a hybrid of John Rowland’s mom and Bree. Nothing like recycling old plots, Cherry. Lazy!

He’ll lock her in the basement! And then she’ll commit suicide and start narrating things from the grave! And Susan will do a pratfall!

Over at Super Kitchen, Bree and Orson are having a discussion with Charlie, some peon who works for them. Turns out he stole $200 from the “petty cash box.” Who has an cash box lying around? Did Orson and Bree get a job making Frito pies and hot dogs at the Fairview high school basketball games? They know for a fact (and have evidence, they say) that he stole it, and Charlie explains that he spent the money on some wacky tobaccy. Orson: “Well, you’ve just covered yourself in glory on this one.” Hee. Bree’s all, “Can you believe that? A thief AND a pothead.” Um, yeah, Bree, we can. His name is Andrew, and he’s your son, circa seasons 1-3. Orson: “Well, now we know where the two pounds of cookie dough went.” Ha! Me likey Orson in this episode.

Over at the Restaurant of Second Chances, Jackson and Susan are talking about not having sex over dessert. Susan’s applying her rule of no sex until the fourth date. My rule is no sex until the fourth hour. Susan looks pretty. I guess someone smeared just enough Vaseline on the lens.

Suzy-Q wants to know if Jackson knows all about her, and asks if he knows her least favorite word. It’s “panties.” Huh. I thought it would be “rational.” I had a roommate once who absolutely hated the word “moist,” just so you know. Now Suzy-Q wants to know something about Jackson. Sadly, she doesn’t ask, “When the hell are you going to cut your hair, you freak?” Jackson tells her he’s not just a painter of houses, but also a painter of . . . paintings as well. Oh, lord. He went to “art school in Paris.” Yeah, Paris, Texas. He’s been blocked for the past year, and has since stopped painting. I think he stopped because his sad clown series just wasn’t selling.

If at first you don’t succeed, do us all a favor and don’t try ever again. God is trying to tell you something.

Over at McCluskey’s (yay!), McCluskey and her sister Roberta discuss Deftly Dangerous Dave. Roberta found out, through his cell phone records, that he gets some calls from someone in Boston every month. He always calls back a few days after, and Roberta says she traced the number to a Dr. Heller, psychiatrist. This would be interesting if we already didn’t find that out in the first couple of episodes. However, Roberta brings up her computer – which makes an electronic beeping sound that only computers on TV make when characters use them – to show that Dr. Heller treats (gasp!) the criminally insane! Shocking. Well, kind of.

Over at Mrs. Gets Off When Carlos Touches Me’s house, Gabby and Carlos are lounging at the pool. Now, Carlos has sunglasses on. I only think it’s weird because we’ve never seen him with sunglasses on before (at all) this season. And since he’s blind, I really don’t see the point (and yes, I know that many blind people wear sunglasses all the time, but that’s my point right there). Maybe his eyes are still sensitive to the light, or maybe Gabby said they looked cool. I don’t know, and I don’t know why I’m spending so much time talking about it.

Mrs. Hildebrand wants the Solis family to stay the weekend. Carlos says no, but Gabby, high on couture and margaritas, says that it’s cool. Turns out, Celia’s birthday party is this weekend, and Carlos wants to be home for that. Gabby manipulates Carlos into staying, even though he wants to keep some “professional distance” from the woman he gave an orgasm to.

Dance, monkey!

At Tom’s loft space, The Tom Scavo Experience gets ready to rehearse, but they’re totally not going to sound right with Carlos not there to provide the sweet sounds of the tambourine, if you ask me. Dave says he got them a gig at the “Battle of the Bands” at “The White Horse.” The other dudes are all, Whaaaaaaa? Better get to work on that cover of “MmmBop!” Tom says that you have to audition for that, but Dave knows someone who knows Edie – i.e., boned the crap out of him in his Miata – who set it up. But it seems that you have to have an original song for “Battle of the Bands,” and no one really knows how to write a song. Tom: “I know a little bit.” Orson: “No you don’t.” Hi-O! Orson! So funny this week! Dave says he and Mike will write something, but Mike says he has plans. Everyone gets all junior high and talks about whether or not it’s Susan, but Mike’s holding out on them.

Over at Mrs. Hildebrand’s, the Carlos and Gabby are snuggled on the bed (kids on the floor) watching some animated movie about zoo animals or ogres or penguins or crap like that. Mrs. Hildebrand walks in, gets all wide-eyed, and asks, “Oooh! What is that?!” It’s a television, grandma. It’s like a radio with pictures. Gabby blabs about the animated movie, and Mrs. Hildebrand, being a sad old lady who never has orgasms, makes herself right at home on the bed, and when Gabby says she’s blocking the TV, she snuggles in right next to Gabby and Carlos under the covers. Awkward! And why is Carlos wearing p.j.s? No. No no no, Cherry. Note: Carlos sleeps naked, or in lieu of nakedness, bikini briefs.

Watch your husband. He acted like he couldn’t see the surrogate mom, too.

At Jackson’s cool and single apartment (it’s cool because one of the windows is broken and has electrical tape on it – ooh, artsy!), Susan’s blahing about adolescent angst and stuffing her bra in high school. Some habits never die, do they Suzy-Q? Jackson puts on some “sex music” (you know, the kind with a Kenny G kind of saxophone), and Susan wants no part of that. One time I had sex while an Indigo Girls album was playing. It was very distracting. I’m digging Susan’s outfit, which pains me to say. Since this is date #2, Susan says there’s no nookie, and then brings up the sharing thing again. Lame. Share body fluids, not secrets. That’s what I always say.

Jackson asks how knowing about how she got sent to the therapist in 5th grade for eating her hair will bring them closer. Good question. Susan’s reaction is kind of funny, because she gets all funny/serious and says that was hard for her to share. She ends the date right then and there. Jackson, wanting to do something with his hands, breaks out his paints and brushes and a canvas. That’s sort of an elaborate masturbation ritual, Jackson, but whatev. I’m down with it.

If you aren’t completely annoyed every time I open my mouth, you don’t know me at all, mister!

There’s a PTA meeting at the school library (shhh!), and for a second or two I thought the lady talking was Laurie Metcalf, and I was all, “Yay! She’s back!” And then I remembered she got shot dead by some lady at the Fairview supermarket after killing the mother of Tom’s illegitimate daughter. Season 3, peeps. Good stuff. So, it’s not. But it totally looked like her for a second.

Lauri Metcalfe is rolling in her grave right now.

There’s some scintillating conversation about the prom and how Anne Schilling needs volunteers for something. Lynette gives her the most stanky stink-eye I’ve ever seen and leaves in a huff. Anne walks in on Lynette washing her hands in the bathroom, and asks Lynette about her family. Oh, lady. Not a good idea. Lynette pushes the crap out of Anne, who bumps her head on the paper towel dispenser, and then tells Anne that the jig is up and she knows all about rockin’ the cradle of love. Anne’s all, “I love him!” Girl, please. Geez! Lynette goes all ape-shit on Anne and starts hitting the crap out of her. What is it with Lynette and the women of the PTA? She tells Anne that she loves Porter too, and if Anne ever touches him again, she’ll find out how much. But Anne’s okay, folks – her husband hits her regularly, so today’s bitchy beatdown was a walk in the park for her.

And if you ever ask me to donate cupcakes again I will cut your throat you hear me?!?

Back at the Super Kitchen Compound, Orson says he found a girl to replace pothead Charlie. Her dad is Mormon who works for the FBI, so she’s bound to be level-headed. Bree’s excited because some Christian mag published a review of her cookbook and gave her book “four halos.” They especially loved her “Jesus H. Rice!” recipe. For some reason, the thought of getting rave reviews from the “New Christian Reader” gets Orson horny (ew), and he convinces Bree to do it right there on the kitchen counter. Gross! That’s where they make pies! And babies, apparently.

We’re back at Mrs. Hildebrand’s, who is letting Juanita and Celia draw on the walls of a bedroom. Because, she explains, that the bedroom will become the girls’ bedroom whenever they come to visit, chock-full of everything I couldn’t have when I was a kid: a TV, bunk beds. Not that I needed bunk beds. But it would have been cool.

Gabby, beginning to suspect that Mrs. Hildebrand is a weird old coot, says that she doesn’t think the girls should have their own room, and they can’t stay this weekend. Mrs. Hildebrand does the petty thing and asks the girls what they want. The girls want to stay, and it turns out Mrs. Hildebrand asked them to call her “grandma.” Oh, dip. Gabby no likey. In their guest room, Gabby tells Carlos about it, and says they’re getting the hell out of the House of Usher and never looking back. Carlos says he’ll tell Mrs. Hildebrand that they need to go shopping for Celia’s birthday and that will be the end of it all. Oh yeah. I believe it, especially since there’s 19 minutes left of the show.

Sorry, I just really liked this part.

Porter meets Anne at a park. She seems distant. Moody. Puffy. Like she’s been throwing up every morning. What’s wrong, asks Porter. Anne doesn’t know what to do. Stop wearing so much makeup, that’s what. Oh, wait. I guess she needs to hide the evidence of the Lynette Scavo Bitch Slap Fest. Turns out? Anne’s pregnant. Oh, don’t act so surprised, Gasmii. You all saw it coming. Porter stares off into the distance, and we cut to children playing in the park with some bubbles. Subtle, Cherry. Very subtle. Okay, 2 things here. I know Porter used a condom. So either Anne is lying her puffy-faced ass off, or the 3% ineffectiveness of condoms rears it’s ugly head. There’s something familiar about this plot . . . oh, that’s right. The exact same thing happened with Gabby and John Rowland. Damn, lame!

Katherine asks Bree if she can leave early (she has plans) from The Kitchen of Tomorrow, and walks out the door, passing Andrew on the way out. Andrew bears bad tidings, and lets Bree and Orson know that a.) he told pot-head Charlie that they caught him stealing on a surveillance tape, and b.) Charlie stole a tape and says that it shows two people in flagrante delicto. He wants $2,000 for the tape or he’ll post it on “YouTube.”

Bree says she turned off the tape recorder before they had sweaty, conservative, Republican sex (i.e., Bree never took off her bra and Orson never took off his socks), Orson says he did too, which means that Orson turned it back ON. Oopsies! Bree tells Andrew to forget about everything she taught him and kick some ass to get that tape back. Whatever that may entail. He’s a stoner. It shouldn’t take much. Just some bomb-ass chronic, a DVD of The Wizard of Oz, a copy of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon, and some Hostess Fruit Pies.

My ankles are probably showing in that video! Get it BACK!

Celia’s having a birthday party at the Solis household, and up pulls old Mrs. Hildebrand in her limo. Gabby runs outside to ask her what the eff she’s doing, and Mrs. H. tells her that she wants to take Celia to an antique doll shop and have her pick out one she wants. Cuz that’s what kids want – a toy that’s too old and valuable to play with. Gabby doesn’t want Celia to go with Mrs. H., and finally gets mean with her (sometimes you have to – those old people can’t take a hint. Sometimes you have to be firm. Or unplug their dialysis machine.), saying that it’s creepy that she’s so close with her family after three freaking days. Gabby says that she and her family aren’t for sale, so back off, crazy ho! Mrs. H. calls Gabby a “greedy bitch who’s tried to bleed me dry and wash her hands of me.” Yeowza! Gabby says that they’re done and yells for Mrs. H. to get off their property. Carlos comes outside to apologize, but it’s too late.

Jackson helps Susan out of his car when they pull up in front of her house. Susan is drunk. Yay! I also think she borrowed an outfit from Edie, cuz that ho is dressed like a slut. Susan wants to have sloppy sex because she’s tipsy and “easier than a 5 year-old’s homework.” Ha! That’s actually a good one. But it’s only date #3, so Jackson’s putting the kibosh on the nuzzlies. He says he’ll call her tomorrow. Suzy ain’t too happy ’bout that.

Mrs. Hildebrand sits at her house, in front of Jaunita and Celia’s drawings. She’s on the phone to the country club, saying that Carlos was completely inappropriate to her and that kind of stuff could be a “liability” for the club. Who’s going to give you orgasms now, Mrs. H.? Huh?

And good luck finding someone else’s two hundred pound child to spoil. Those don’t grow on trees in Hollywood.

Hey, you guys? Remember that “mysterious” plot? The one with Dave? I know it’s hard, but think back to the beginning of this episode . . . there you go. McCluskey’s on the phone with Dr. Heller, pretending to be someone from “Hilltop Insurance.” She wants to verify Dave Williams’s medical history. Dr. Heller doesn’t know any Dave Williams, and McCluskey replies that he should, since he calls him every month. D’oh! Roberta takes the phone from McCluskey, acting as the supervisor of “Hilltop Insurance.” She again asks Dr. Heller to confirm that he is treating Dave, but draws a blank when he asks for her Medicare Provider number, telling him, “I’m not sure. We’re in the process of converting to the metric system.” Hee! I heart Roberta.

She levels with Dr. Heller, and says that Dave just moved to Fairview and is really creeping people out. This intrigues and perhaps slightly terrifies Dr. Heller, who’s all, “He’s in Fairview now?” And when Roberta asks him if that’s important and if he knows something, he tells her he just wants to know where she’s calling from so he can file a report. Well, so much for that, you salty lasses. Roberta grabs McCluskey’s coffee. Roberta: “Can I Irish that up for ya?” McCluskey: “Well, it’s noon somewhere.” Oh! I want to be a part of their mystery team!

Andrew brings the tape back to Orson and Bree, saying he bought a case of beer for some bikers and the rest took care of itself. Andrew pops in the tape and tells them to watch. Sick! But it turns out that it wasn’t Orson and Bree makin’ whoopee in the kitchen, but . . . Katherine and Mike!

At Jackson’s apartment, he’s painting, trying to remember his training, a.k.a. the Bob Ross episodes he TiVo’ed off PBS. Susan knocks on the door and he lets her in. Shortly thereafter, she takes off her jacket to reveal that she’s wearing lingerie she probably borrowed from Edie. Remember Edie? Yeah, me neither. Susan declares it the fourth date and wants to knock boots, but Jackson says he’s busy. Susan spies some paint on his face and Jackson admits to painting again. Why not celebrate your creative spark by boning me on the couch, asks Susan? Why not indeed? Jackson’s not done with the painting, he says, and Suzy-Q rushes into his little studio to see his unfinished masterpiece. It turns out, it’s a portrait of Susan, and I have to say it looks a lot like her.

Scratch my original caption. If at first you don’t succeed, date someone who looks exactly like your greatest FAIL.

Things get schmaltzy when Susan says he captured a look on Susan’s face that she didn’t think he knew. It’s the kind of face she gets when she’s had too much Indian food and has to spend the night on the toilet. Or something else, I don’t know. Jackson asks Susan to pose nude for him so he can finish the painting.

That’s the only face you can make. But your lines are miniscule. Long live the bubonic plague!

Bree goes over to Katherine’s and gives her a copy of the videotape (it’s actually a disc), and says that she should have it, since it’s a surveillance shot of the kitchen. Katherine is embarrassed and asks what kind of “demented slut” would have sex in the kitchen? Any lady on Wisteria Lane, Katie. Any woman on Wisteria Lane. Bree prickles at the sound of that, and then asks Katherine if she knows what she’s doing, since Susan is her friend. Even though they’re divorced, and Susan’s dating other people, as Katherine smartly brings up. Bree says “women don’t do that.” Edie does! Remember Edie? I don’t either. Katherine says Bree shouldn’t make her feel guilty. Right on! Katherine seems excited about the tape when Bree leaves.

Lynette goes into Porter’s bedroom to tell him it’s time for breakfast. And also that she knows where Porter’s coming from, but he’ll find real love soon, he just needs time, and then he’ll see where she’s coming from. The phone rings, and its Anne. Or, as Porter calls her, “Gary.” That’s a weird pet name, but whatev. Oh, oh, I see. He’s just calling her that because Lynette’s right there. Anne says she can leave town on Saturday and asks Porter if he has the money. Porter says yeah, and after an “I love you” from Anne, he hangs up. He looks at his mother, and gets this distant, wistful look in his eyes, and says that he knows where she’s coming from, and that he appreciates all that Lynette and Tom have done for him.

Second biggest acting face ever.

Mary Alice blahs about “Desire. It’s an emotion that’s designed to lead us astray. Persuading those who crave love to make foolish choices.” It’s not just love. My craving for vodka has led me to make foolish choices as well. Mrs. Hildebrand paints over the wall that Celia and Juanita had drawn on. Katherine enters Mike’s house for a little skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight. And Dr. Heller gets on the phone and asks to book the next flight to Fairview. Uh-oh! Blah.

Allegedly on next week’s ep: The “Battle of the Bands,” Anne and Porter try to skip town, and the return of Julie! Yay!