Desperate Housewives: Burning Blu

Tonight on Desperate Housewives, Lynette finds out about Porter’s little accident; Julie comes back and Susan’s not so happy with her new boyfriend; Bree acts perfect; Ms. Hildebrand can’t take a hint. And fire! Fire!

Either that, or Dave’s gonna do some magic.

Hey peeps. I want to preface this recap by saying that I am not feeling well. At all. And I just took some cold medicine, so either this recap will be awesome, or it will suck and consist of sentences such as: “Susan walks sahui ghadug hyyyyyyyyyyy uuu.” Which just may be more interesting than the show itself. But let’s get to it, shall we?

Mary Alice voiceovers about how the owner of The White Horse bar would once a year host the Battle of the Bands, wherein young Fall Out Boy wannabes would play a song consisting of the three chords they can actually play. Which really is no different than Fall Out Boy. The Tom Scavo Experience sits at the bar, watching these young whipper-snappers. Tom acts like a freaking 15 year old, and Dave looks more like an alien than he ever did before. Every time a strobe light goes off, I hope it’s his home planet trying to beam him up. While they all worry about sucking, Mike says it will be a night to remember. Mary Alice: “And it was.” Oy.

Planet Beige wants you back, Dave.

Cut to The Tom Scavo Experience onstage playing “Mustang Sally.” I’m sorry, didn’t someone say last week that they had to write an original song for the competition? Yeah, pretty sure they did. Oh, hey – Julie’s in the audience! And Susan should never be allowed to dance. Mike is singing lead, and if you didn’t think he could get any sexier, you were wrong, my friend. A plumber and a lead singer of a band? Hand me a paper towel.

Smoke starts to leak out from the vents by the stage, and not the good “Here I Go Again” video by Whitesnake kind of smoke. No, there’s a fire at The White Horse, and people freak the eff out and run for the emergency exit. Turns out? It’s locked. Um, oops. And also, lawsuit. As the Fairview firemen inspect the smoking rubble the next morning, Mary Alice tells us there may have been foul play. And someone was taken into custody. We can’t see his or her face, but it’s probably Susan or Edie, since they’re known for this kind of thing.

Poor Edie. This picture of her will never go away.

A title card tells us that it’s The Day Before. At Susan’s, Julie and her new beau pull up in a taxi, and Susan looks out the window at Julie’s new boyfriend. He looks young, nice, with a darn good head of hair. But, because this is Desperate Housewives, it turns out he’s the cab driver, and whoever Suzy-Q thought was the cab driver is really Julie’s boyfriend. Played by Steven Weber of “Wings” fame. Can you believe that show was on for 7 years? Seven years?! And can you believe I used to watch it religiously? Only for Faye. Man, I loved me some Faye. Susan looks like she gave herself one highlight on the right side of her hair.

Gabby’s home with groceries. At her house, not Susan’s. That would be weird, although I would welcome it, because you could count the number of seconds the ladies have spent together as a group in this season on one hand. Get them together, Cherry! On the couch with Carlos sits Ms. Hildebrand. I hope Carlos remembered to place a towel underneath her before she sat down. That kind of thing isn’t good for micro-suede. So I hear. Oh, Gabby, why are you wearing so much pink? It hurts my head. Gabby tells Ms. Hildebrand to get the hell out of her house. In the kitchen, in private, Carlos tells Gabby that they’re in Ms. Hildebrand’s will and will get everything when she dies. And she has bad blood pressure. Well, well. That certainly changes things. Gabby loves her some Ms. Hildebrand!

You’re so getting your hair braided later.

Over at Epcot Center’s Kitchen of Tomorrow (which is just as boring as everything else in Epcot), Katherine appears to be torching some creme brulees. Oh my gosh you guys, have you ever had Ben & Jerry’s Creme Brulee ice cream? It gave me a delicigasm. Repeatedly. Thank god I placed a towel over the couch before I sat down and ate it. Bree’s nervous about an interview with someone from the “New York Dispatch.” Andrew says he went online and looked up some of the reporter’s articles, and they are not nice. Apparently, she called Betty White a woman with a “demonic thirst for power.” Hee. Say what you want about Betty White – anyone who calls Sarah Palin a “crazy bitch” is all right with me. Sandra Birch, the reporter comes in, and she’s played by Rachael Harris, who you may remember from bit parts on “Sister, Sister” and “Best Week Ever,” or from “Fat Actress,” Kirstie Alley’s show about Scientology. Bree kisses her ass.

Over at the Scavo’s, Lynette is making tea. Preston comes down and says that Porter got Anne pregnant and that they’re planning to run away. Lynette’s head implodes, and she grabs her car keys and says she has someone to talk to. I’m betting that by “someone” she means “tequila,” and by “talk to” she means “double fist.”

The owner of The White Horse is talking to The Tom Scavo Experience in their “rehearsal space.” Oooh, turns out that the owner is Mr. Schilling, a.k.a. Anne’s husband! Dave gets a call on his cell, and it’s Dr. Heller, who’s all, why you gotta be in Fairview, dick?! After Dave hangs up, Dr. Heller asks someone how to get to Wisteria Lane.

Just follow the scent of desperation, insanity, and creme brulee, Doctor man.

At Susan’s kitchen table, Julie is talking about how she and Brian Hackett met. Something to do with an umbrella. When Julie goes upstairs, Susan tells Bri that she expected him to be younger. He explains that he didn’t start dating Julie until the semester was over, so I guess he’s a professor. Also, he’s been married three times. Also, Susan says he’s 40. Um, maybe he was 40 ten years ago. Look, Steven, you’re a nice guy and actually kind of attractive. But 40? No. They go back and forth about marriages and blah, and Bri reveals he’s going to ask Julie to marry him.

Bree introduces Orson to Sandra, and Sandra asks if Bree is really some “Donna Reed” housewife from the 50s. Both Orson and Bree are all, “Why is that a bad thing?” They had, “values and morals” back then. Like segregation and the Cuban Missile Crisis. And just when things can’t get any perfecter, the phone rings, and Bree tells Andrew to let the machine get it. It’s a Mr. Johnson, saying he’s filling in as Orson’s parole officer while the actual one is on vacation.

He went to prison to be a good person. It would be wrong to not admit he tried to kill a neighbor.

Anne Schiling is at her house, polishing her candlesticks, when Lynette rushes in. Oh, Anne, sweetie, you might want to hide the blunt objects given last week’s beat down. Lynette asks Anne if she’s really preggers (she is). Anne goes on to say that she’s in love, and Porter’s in love, and she’s glad she’s having his baby. Lynette says she’s sick, and just when things can’t get worse, it turns out Warren (Anne’s husband) has heard everything. He asks Lynette to leave, you know, so he can kick the shit out of his wife, and although Anne begs her not to go, Lynette does anyway. But Lynette turns around and heads back into the house, only to find Warren actually IS kicking the shit out of his (pregnant) wife. Boo! Lynette throws a candlestick at Warren. Yay! And says she’s calling the cops, which Lynette can’t really do without telling them about Porter and Anne, so . . . ugh, whatev, long story short, Warren says Anne is out of the house.

I’d call the cops, but I’ve called them about molesters before and I don’t want them thinking I’m crying wolf.

The Tom Scavo Experience – oh, I’m sorry, Blue Odyssey – oh, I’m sorry, Blü Odyssey — arrives at The White Horse to practice. Another band is there, called . . . sigh . . . Cold Splash. They’re all younger guys, and I guess they’re a really real band called Tokyo Police Club. I don’t know. I stopped listening to Top 40 radio when I heard “Umbrella” 11 times in one hour. It’s your vagina, I get it, Rihanna. Cold Splash invites Blü Odyssey to a party after the show. Whee.

Bree spies Sandra talking to The Gays, who in turn tell Bree that Sandra seems to know an awful lot about her first dead husband who liked “S&M hookers” (true) and how Orson almost killed Mike (also true) and how about Bree used to be a “boozehound” (totally true). Bree is not happy. But she’ll confront Sandra at the Battle of the Bands tonight, where Sandra will either a.) die of smoke asphyxiation or sever burns and therefore save Bree embarrassment, or b.) be saved by Orson/Andrew/Bree and therefore agree to print a nice article. Mark my words, Gasmii. Heed my call.

Gabby leaves her girls with a baby-sitter as she heads out to see Blü Odyssey and get really drunk. I’m sure the drunk part will have to come first. I know it will for me. But who’s outside waiting in a limo? Oh, please be Madonna please be Madonna! No, it’s smelly old moist Ms. Hildebrand. Boo. She wants to go with, and convinces Gabby to go with her, even though Gabby was going to go with the girls. Oh, great – another opportunity to see the ladies together completely wasted. Remember Season 2, Cherry, and how that was the big criticism? Remember that? No. Apparently, you don’t.

When did Rod Stewart hair come back? Actually don’t answer. Just make it go away again, please.

At the hospital, Porter runs in asking about Anne, and Lynette spills the beans about what happened. Porter runs out. And that’s it for this scene. It took me longer to type it than it did to air it.

Oh, hey, do you guys remember a character named McCluskey? And her sister Roberta, in for a visit? Because they’re here now. I’ll give you a minute or two to remember. There you go. Anyway, they talk about how there isn’t much more to Dave’s mystery than Dr. Heller, and that maybe they should go to Boston to see him. Speak of the devil, they just miss him as he pulls up in his car. Edie invites him to a “rock show,” but he declines, and as he looks at the flyer she handed him (just in case), he notices Dave’s face on the front. Or, rather, he notices Dave’s hair, then his face.

Ms. Hildebrand and Gabby sit in a booth at the club discussing maids and blood pressure. Susan and Jackson sit at another booth and complain about Julie and her beau. Well, Susan’s complaining, and Jackson’s being rational. She spies Lloyd (Steven Weber) hand Warren (the owner, and the guy who beats pregnant women) a CD. I guess Lloyd wants Warren to play a song on it for Julie, to help grease the proposal wheels. You guys, the song SUCKS. I don’t even think it’s real. Here are the lyrics: “Julie, Julie, Julie, do you love me? Julie, Julie, Julie, do you care?” It’s worse than “Can I Borrow a Feeling?” by Kirk Van Houten. Lloyd and Julie dance, and Susan tries to cut in by dancing like an idiot and talking about how awesome single life is. Jackson acts a gentleman and pulls Susan away. But Susan opens her big fat yapper about the proposal, and Julie’s all, “You were going to propose? We’ve been dating 3 months!” Ah, Julie. Still rational. Thank god. Julie says Lloyd’s a sweet guy, but she’s never getting married.

Good for you. BTW I will most likely get married for a third time? Great seeing you again ggo!

At the bar, Sandra tells Bree that the cookbook is a sham, a way to say “I’m better than you.” True dat! But Bree says that it’s a chance for women to “get something right,” when everything else in life is wrong, and Sandra lets her off the hook. Ms. Hildebrand, meanwhile, wants to put Gabby’s girls in a posh school an hour away, which Gabby doesn’t like at all. A few years ago, Ms. Hildebrand’s money could have bought her, but now? Hell no. Future Gabby doesn’t need money. Or fancy clothes. Or make-up, for that matter. They argue about the same stuff as last week, and Ms. Hildbrand says that she’s writing them out of her will. Dave gets another call on his SPRINT PHONE (Hey, buy a Sprint phone!) from Dr. Heller, who it turns out is right behind him. D’oh!

As Dr. Heller confronts Dave, we find that Dave changed his name and moved to Fariview. Oh, wow, now we have the missing puzzle pieces! Blah. Dave says that Edie knows everything, and he’s in a really good place right now. Pants on fire. Oh, wait, that comes later. As Cold Splash plays, Susan runs outside, which is a really good idea. She finds Julie, and Julie says she doesn’t want to get married because look how good it worked out for Susan. Susan talks about walls around hearts and about believing in happily ever after. Lynette runs past them without saying hi and runs into the club. She asks Gabby to tell her if she sees Porter. Meanwhile, Dr. Heller stares at the Blü Odyssey poster. Yeah, I know Doc, it’s pretty lame.

I could have every one of these fools committed.

He puts on his glasses for a better look at the lameness, and the camera pans to focus on the names Dave Williams and Mike Delfino. Subtle. Dr. Heller craps his pants. Dave sees this, and says everything is cool between himself and “him.” Dr. Heller says it’s too dangerous, but it comes out sounding like he has this weird French accent, like, “No, it’s too dan-jher-oos.” Is Stephen Spinella from Quebec? That might explain it, eh? Dr. Heller wants Dave to end it. And I’m sure the dozens of bar patrons would agree. Dave says that he’ll end it, and he leads Dr. Heller to a large storage closet. Ooh, Dave, what are you going to do? Alphabetize the beer, or re-arrange it according to region? Nope. Instead Dave FINALLY does something creepy and he kills Dr. Heller. To death. By strangling him. With his bare hands. Yikes! dave really wants Blü Odyssey to get a recording contract!

Meanwhile, Cold Splash is playing, and the fogies are talking about how they’re scared to follow “that” onstage. Really? Cuz both Cold Splash and Tokyo Police Club? Kind of crappy. Jackson has to go to the bathroom, and some employee is all, “Oh, the men’s room is packed but there’s an employee bathroom in the back.” Which we all know is code for “Go back there and unzip your pants and I’ll meet you there in 5.” Dave pours liquor all over the floor of the storage closet (so much Jager, just wasted . . .) and then lights it on fire. He passes Jackson in the hallway. Jackson asks him where the bathroom is, and Dave points him to it, and locks him inside. Yes, that’s right, the employee bathroom has a lock on the OUTSIDE of the door. What the fuck? Dumb.

Not that I’m complaining.

The rest of Blü Odyssey is on the stage, and Dave finally joins them. The crowd of 40-somethings goes . . . kind of wild as they sing “Mustang Sally.” Porter runs in and punches Warren the Wife-Beater (yay!). Lynette breaks it up and says, “Hitting women AND children? You must be so proud.” Awesome. She and Porter leave out the emergency exit, and Warren tells a bouncer to put a padlock on the emergency exit door. Wow, this guy just doesn’t care about human life at all, does he? As the storage room goes up in flames, Porter tells Lynette in the alley that she’s responsible for all of this and whatever goes wrong is her fault.

And we’re back at the beginning with the fire. Carlos falls off the stage, cuz he’s blind, and everyone pretty much freaks out. Things happen fast, so here’s the deal: Orson gets blindsided by some dude as he tries to help Carlos; Ms. Hildebrand gets knocked unconcious by some other dude; Susan remembers Jackson in the bathroom, but Julie says there’s an exit back there so he’ll be ok; Jackson sees smoke coming under the door and realizes he’s locked in, but he grabs the paper towel dispenser off the wall and breaks the window; Gabby runs over to help Ms. Hildebrand (now awake) and asks that she be put back into the will since she’s saving her life, but Ms. Hildebrand says no; Edie finds out that the exit is locked, but Dave takes a bar stool and smashes a window. Thank god, because the windows were pink and looked horrible. Dave tells Edie that he has to make sure that everyone gets out alive. Except for, you know, the dude he killed. Obviously. Susan tries to run back in to get Jackson, because she’s a freaking idiot. Mike, being the hero he is, says he’ll go back in for him. But he passes out from the smoke when he reaches the bathroom. Thanks, Susan. Dumbass.

Stop flirting with us, Cherry!

People run out of the club, looking really clean and put-together. Jackson runs out and Susan’s happy, until they realize Mike’s still inside. Dave runs back in to find him, and Warren the Wife-Beater yells that Porter burnt down his club. Well, he does have a history of arsony. Anyway, Dave runs out with Mike on his back, and he’s all, “Hang in there. I ain’t done with you yet,” as Mike’s carted off on the ambulance. Mary Alice blahs about the fire and injuries. Someone died, but I have no idea who it is because he/she’s covered up on a gurney. Dave is branded a hero, and we never get to see who was arrested in the fire. Thanks, Cherry.

Sorry, you guys, I think this recap sucked. Next time I’ll be better, I promise!

Allegedly on next week’s DH: Carlos may get his sight back (yay!), Bree has a bad reaction to sleeping pills (yay!), and McCluskey & Co. dig deeper (yay!).

I hear you, planet. I hear you and I will return. SOMEDAY!