Desperate Housewives: When Those Nuts Hit My Tongue, I Knew the Truth!

This week on the 96th episode of Desperate Housewives, Lynette gives Anne the boot, Katherine reveals her secret to Susan, Bree overdoses on the Tylenol PM, Carlos may get his sight back, and Dave does a bad, bad thing.

That’s what you get for having that picture in your house in the first place.

Gabby walks around feeling sad about losing her looks as Mary Alice voice-overs about it. Wow, this is something different for Gabby! Anyway, who needs to look pretty when your husband is blind? I would totally do the same thing. When she arrives at the hospital to see a slightly burned Carlos, the doctor spouts some B.S. about how Carlos has a bone fragment that they must have missed 5 years ago. I guess if they remove it, then Carlos could regain his sight. Yay! Not so much for Gabby, who instantly thinks of how this will affect her. She gots to get prettified and soon. Gabby, it’s called a shake for breakfast, one for lunch, and then a sensible dinner! It’s that easy! Credits.

Then you could dress like a house plant and still look hot!

Mary Alice blahs about how there was a fire and people were injured in it. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Dave walks around the hospital, his hair looking particularly beige under the florescent lights. A couple of detectives ask to interview him about the fire. They say they know it was arson, originating in the storage room, where a dead body was found, and the dead guy didn’t start it. They found this out in less than a day? They call Dave a hero for saving Mike’s life. Dave seems a bit depressed. Killing someone will do that to you, believe me.

Katherine brings cookies to Mike in the hospital, and Mike actually says, “Can I get a kiss from my cookie?” Barf. Katie doesn’t want people to find out about them, especially Susan, since they’re “good friends.” She runs into Susan on the way out, and I’m really digging Susan’s jacket. Susan tells Katie that she gave blood. Then she goes to visit Mike, and she tells him she gave blood too. Is this going to come into play later? Will Susan become woozy and accidentally pull the plug on some coma dude? Suzy-Q is eyeing Mike’s cookies (by which I mean actual cookies). Didn’t she get a free one with some juice after giving blood? She immediately spits out the bite of the cookie she just took because she hates macadamia nuts, which is ridick, cuz macadamia nuts are awesome. She persists in knowing who brought the cookies, and Mike lets it slip that “she” wants to tell Susan “in her own time.” Sounds like Susan’s got a mystery to solve!

Share this diet secret with Gabby and spare her some pain.

Meanwhile, Bree looks in on a sleeping Orson, who, thanks to a nose injury now snores louder than Tom Arnold when he passes out on the couch after drinking a case of Keystone. It’s fixable, but it’ll take a couple weeks to schedule the operation. Dave comes to see Mike, and Mike thanks him for saving his life. Dave blahs about how, since his brother died, he hasn’t had a really good friend. At this point, I’m wondering if Dave’s brother was actually on the show at one point. But I can’t think of anyone. I think I’m making more out of this mystery than there is, and giving the writers for this season way more credit than they deserve. Dave wants Mike to be a really good buddy (for daily reach-around activities) and Mike agrees.

Tom’s the least injured. He just gets stitches on his hand. Wuss. The detectives walk in and ask about Porter and the fight he had with Warren Schilling, the guy who kicks pregnant ladies in the stomach and beats up 16-year-old kids. Classy. Detective Baldy Balderson asks if Porter made a death threat against Warren (which he did), and Lynette lies and says that he didn’t. Really? asks Detective Surly McWeirdeyes. Heck no, replies Lynette. Tom is all, you liar! Porter totally did, didn’t he! Yeah, Tom, he did.

That’s great. Is the band still together?

Over at Casa de Only Think of Myself, Gabby whines to Susan about Carlos getting his sight back. Along comes Edie, all glowing from a jog, excited about Carlos’s sight. Susan tells Edie that Gabby’s worried that Carlos won’t find her attractive when he can see again. Edie: “Yeah, that was my first thought, too.” Ha! Edie and Susan convince her that she can go on a diet and exercise and when Carlos gets his eyesight back in a month, she’ll look hot. Or, in Edie’s words, “hot-ish.” Hee.

At their kitchen table, Lynette tells Tom that Porter told Warren that he was dead, no matter what it takes, and then a few minutes later the club was on fire. Not, “on fire!” in the way that Blü Odyssey was rockin’ hard core, but literally en fuego. Although it would be awesome to hear Lynette say something was “on fire!” as she did the “raise the roof” thing with her hands. Tom doesn’t believe that Porter is capable of arson, and Lynette says what the audience is thinking by reminding him that he and his brother burned down Rick’s restaurant 5 years ago. Tom tries to rationalize that one, but I gotta say, when a 10 year old burns down a restaurant on purpose? Never good. Never good. Lynette and Tom agree to protect Porter, even though they believe that he probably started the fire and killed “6 people.” I’m sorry, but didn’t Mary Alice tell us in the last episode something like, “In the end, one person would be dead?” Man, the continuity this season is on par with Family Guy.

Whatever. Lose weight. The most important thing though is to stop dressing like a maid from Miami.

Apparently, Gabby is making her little girls eat healthy as well, serving fish and broccoli for dinner. The girls say it looks and smells like crap, and Gabby proves them right by tasting it. But, after blaming them for making her fat via pregnancy, Gabby tells them to basically shut up and eat cuz they ain’t gettin’ no mac and cheese for a long time.

Uh oh. I sense that there will be another fire starting child this season. This girl gets her mac or else.

Dave’s watching the news at his house. The station call letters are “KQRY,” so we know that Fairview and the Eagle State are west of the Mississippi. In case you cared. Which you don’t. Moving on, then. Dave kind of looks like a wreck as he talks about someone else passing away from the fire, bringing the death count to 7. Edie tells Dave that Porter Scavo is rumored to be behind the arson, and she’s not really surprised because she’s a “good judge of character.” Who, you know, slept with Susan’s ex-husband. And Gabby’s ex-husband. And then tried to kill herself (in a fake way). And then married a man who likes to burn down night clubs and drive old women crazy. McCluskey! Where the heck is she this week? Probably passed out on her couch, a 40 of Pabst Blue Ribbon still in her hand, her cat hungrily pawing at her face. Ah, McCluskey. I love ya.

It’s morning, and Bree slept on the couch, and tells Orson about his nose injury and snoring when he comes down. She tells him about the surgery, but Orson freaks out about “unnecessary” surgery. Bree says she needs her rest because she has so many things to do now that she’s a famous cookbook author. Orson still doesn’t want to have the surgery, nor apparently, sex with Bree, who says that if they can’t sleep together, then they can’t, you know . . . sleep together. Bree succumbs to a hissy and skulks off.

Lynette visits Anne “My Life is a Lifetime Movie or Mini-Series” Schilling in the hospital, still recovering from what I’m sure she told the staff was something like, “Oh, I was getting dressed in the dark and I fell face-first into the doorknob twice and then I fell down the stairs a couple times and then bumped my head on the kitchen table before falling on the dishwasher door that I left open and then I fell down the basement stairs and rammed myself into the washer and dryer repeatedly on accident and my husband totally had nothing to do with this but don’t tell him what happened because he loves me so much and I love him I really do.” Lynette says that Warren is blaming Porter for the fire. Anne’s all, whaaaaaa?! Porter would never do that! Again. Lynette gives her an envelope full of cash so Anne can “leave town” while Porter deals with all this poo. Anne’s all, “What if I’m not ready to leave town?” But she says it in a very blackmail-y, slightly evil kind of way, which makes me believe that she was never really pregnant. But again, I don’t think Season 5 DH writers are that capable of making something interesting happen. Lynette snatches the money away and says that she’ll pick up Anne and drive her to the bus station tonight, and she can count the money then. Why is it always the bus station? No one ever leaves town on an airplane or train. Granted, the bus is cheap (you can take the Mega Bus from Chicago to Milwaukee for $1), but you get what you pay for.

Don’t make me beat you.

Susan arrives at Katherine’s door and says she needs a little girlfriend time. As Katie takes macadamia nut cookies out of the oven, Susan says that she knows Mike is dating a friend of hers, and it’s “gotta be Lisa Wallace.” Ah, yes, Lisa Wallace. Remember her from that episode she was never in? Who is this Lisa Wallace? A skank, apparently, according to Susan. Katie talks about how Susan keeps saying she’s over Mike and how “Lisa” was waiting to tell Susan because she wasn’t sure if the Mike thing was going to last (which I don’t believe. If Mike Delfino wanted to have sex with me on a regular basis, I’d be rubbing it in everyone’s face. So to speak). We get to the part where Susan takes a bite of a cookie (dude, you knew it was coming) and realizes that the skank is Katherine.

Susan says “it’s fine,” but it’s clearly not, and when Susan finds out Bree knew, she goes over to Bree’s to confront her, and things turn ugly when Susan tells Bree that Bree should have been honest with her. Oh, dip, Susan opens a big-ass can of worms as Bree opens her ever-so-tired-because-of-Orson’s-snoring yapper and tells Susan that she never really wanted to divorce Mike and “you hit a really bad patch after the accident buy you never stopped loving him, and why would you? Your relationship never had a natural end, so face it: You’re not mad at me, or Mike, or Katherine, you’re mad at yourself for letting your marriage fall apart.” Oh, hell yeah! Bree says she either has to tell Mike how she feels or move on, because that’s what Mike is trying to do.

D’oh

Carlos is all excited at the hospital. The doctor comes in and says that the eye surgeon can fit him in next Friday, to which Gabby doesn’t react well, since that’s not enough time to go from a size 2 to a size 0. Seriously. Even when she’s “fat” she’s not even close to normal for a lady. She says that Carlos can’t have surgery on a Friday cuz surgeons are all distracted on Fridays, and when that doesn’t work, she blames it on money, to which Carlos says they can use their insurance. Um, what? I’m sorry, but I highly doubt that the masseuses at the Fairview country club get an insurance policy that covers 85% of eye surgery. Whatever. Long story short, Carlos is having the surgery on Friday. Yay!

Bree refuses to let Orson sleep in their bed, but Orson begs her to let him. He says chamomile tea helps the snoring, and offers to make her some as well. He puts some sleeping meds in her tea, and when he brings her the tea, she says she took a sleeping pill while he was downstairs. Orson thoughtfully tells her not to drink her tea because it counter-affects the pill. Quick one, that Orson. Bree pretty much passes out in bed. Orson happy.

Lynette and Anne pull up to the bus stop, and Anne asks Lynette to tell Porter something for her, bringing up the fact that she loves him. Again. Lynette doesn’t want to her it, shoving the envelope in her face and saying a quick “good luck,” and “when the baby comes, don’t contact Porter.” Lynette tells Anne to call her and Tom and they’ll help her out “from a distance.” Anne says, “There’s no baby. Never was.” Oh, shit! I totally called it! Well . . . along with everyone else watching this season . . . And with those blackmail-y black eyes, she turns and walks away. Well, Season 5 writers, well played. Well played.

Next you’re gonna tell me that she’s gonna come back to town!

Orson answers the phone in his pajamas, and it’s Andrew on the other line, walking through Bed, Bath, & Beyond or Pier 1 or something, totally freaking the eff out. I guess someone called him and said Bree was late for the cooking demonstration she was supposed to do at the mall today. Uh oh. Orson runs upstairs and wakes Bree, who wakes up confused. And thirsty. Orson offers to get her some juice, but she’s all, “It’s okay, I’ll just drink this tea.” Oh, oopsie daisies! Cut to the mall, where Orson is dragging around a groggy Bree. I’m sure the mall patrons are all, “There goes Bree Van de Kamp. Drunk. Again. Ooh, wicker tables are 60% off!” Bree stumbles up to the cooking podium to make her buckwheat pancakes. There’s a bunch of kids in the front row. This cannot end well. Bree says some very odd and inappropriate things about herself and Danielle stealing her baby, and asks for a volunteer for one of the girls to be her daughter.

Hell yeah! That lady’s way crazier than my mom!

Susan calls Katherine and says it’s cool for her to date Mike. Susan declines an invitation to come over for a cappuccino and then hangs up and sighs. And that’s it for that scene!

Porter is on the phone in his room, leaving a message for Anne about how he needs to see her. Lynette comes in says they need to talk. She asks Porter if he started the fire, and tells him to be honest, letting him know that if he did, they’ll find a way out of the mess. But if he lies and she finds out later that he did start the fire, she’ll always love him of course, but she will never believe in him, and if she can’t believe in him, she can’t help him. Lynette’s a good mom. Devastatingly honest, but a good mom. Porter says he doesn’t know who started the fire, but he didn’t do it. Lynette says they need to trust each other, but when Porter says Anne hasn’t returned his calls and asks Lynette if she knows where Anne is, Lynette says she’s doesn’t. Well. What’s good for the goose, eh Lynette?

It looks like someone played Bingo all over that sweater.

Carlos is in bed talking about seeing Christmas lights and holiday stuff again. Seriously? That’s what he’s excited about seeing? Gabby is all, be prepared because some of the decorations may have gone bad. It’s an analogy, folks. Carlos says he’ll always find Gabby attractive. He then tells he a story about how he knew he was going to marry her when they went to some restaurant and she wore a red dress and ate a crapload of ribs and laughed at herself for being sloppy and covered in bbq sauce. Aw, now I want some ribs! Or just a McRib. Mmmm . . . damn you McDonald’s! You took them away!

Bree and Orson schedule an appointment with the doctor to correct Orson’s snoring. Orson’s terrified, but Bree’s all, “Oh, he owes me one.” Bree asks if the doctor is married, and he says no, but he just moved in with someone. Bree explains that when someone you’re with does something bad, like drugging you, then sometimes there’s a balance of power that has to shift . . . or something. Honestly, I really wasn’t paying much attention. Anyway, after they leave, the doc picks up the phone and is all, “Hey hon, promise me something? Tell me we’ll never grow into one of those insane couples who just lives to make each other crazy.” Guess who’s on the other end of the phone? Andrew! Betcha never saw that one coming.

Andrew has really lowered his standards over the years.

Mary Alice voice over! Blah hospital blah recovery as a metaphor blah. Everyone is back in the hospital for some stupid reason or another, basically just there so the camera can pan to them as Mary Alice blahs and blahs and blahs. Dave walks down the hall and goes up to the detectives. He tells them the night of the fire he was back by the storage room, and he saw Porter Scavo run out. Dave, you beige bastard! And we’re out.

Allegedly on next week’s episode: Bree and Andrew talk about his gayness, Carlos may or may not have his sight back, Katherine and Mike and Susan deal with their triangle, and Dave probably does something shady.

And by shady, I mean beige.