DH: The Young and the Fingerless

Tonight on Desperate Housewives:  Paul Young returns!  Felicia Tilman returns!  And even though this news is amazingly awesome to us fans, Cherry manages to work his lackluster magic for a tepid premiere.  Oh, and Lynette whines about stuff, Bree’s having issues, Susan’s annoyingly quirky, and Gabby’s hiding a secret from Carlos.  My, how things have stayed exactly the same.

And Susan makes jewelry out of dental floss and Sucrets.

Previously on Desperate Housewives:  I recapped the last episode of season 6.  So maybe you should read that.

Mary Alice voiceovers about the good old days, when people on Wisteria Lane had picture-perfect barbecues, and the most anyone had to worry about was keeping the black people away from the neighborhood.

And then this happened.

Way to go, Mary Alice.  She basically recaps what happened during the awesome first season, when Paul Young killed Martha Huber.

“Mark Moses . . . you totally sucked . . . in . . . Big Momma’s House 2 . . . aarrrgggghhhh . . .”

And then Felicia Tilman framed Paul for her own murder by cutting off her finger and disappearing, thereby forever ruining her chances of flipping people off in traffic.

But we all know this story.  Paul goes to jail, Betty Applewhite moves to Wisteria Lane, Marc Cherry gets the “brilliant” idea of fast-forwarding 5 years, and everything goes to shit.  Other stuff happened too.  Look, I’m just going to assume that if you’re still watching this show 7 years later, then you probably know what happened during season 1, and are desperately praying for the show to return to that kind of quality.  So I’m not going to dwell.

What you don’t know is that Felicia Tilman recently got pulled over for speeding, didn’t have an i.d., and the Wisteria Lane police put two and two together, and figured out who she was.  And voila!  Paul’s out of jail.  And he gets a huge settlement check, and then he goes to Wisteria Lane and buys Susan’s house.  I’m assuming it took him a few weeks to get the smell of needy and desperation out of the house.  McCluskey’s walking around the ‘hood when she spies Paul and she’s all, “Ooooooohhhh dip!  WTF, bitch?!”  Credits.

I’m going to pause for a brief second to tell you that I have an all-consuming crush on Mark Moses/Paul Young/Duck Phillips.  Can I explain it?  No.  Maybe it’s that smooth baritone voice.  Or that off-kilter smirk that he gets on his face.  Or maybe I have a thing for daddies.  I don’t know.  Alls I can tells ya is that when he said this to Peggy in Mad Men:  “I want to take you in that bedroom, lock the door, take your clothes off with my teeth, throw you on the bed, and give you a go-around like you’ve never had,” I passed out.  Because all the blood left my brain.  And went directly to my crotchal area.  And my wiener.  What does all this mean?  It means you should prepare yourself for many inappropriate comments about Paul Young/Mark Moses throughout the season.

Mary Alice blahs about phone calls and emails and texts and things.

Marc Cherry sends out his daily Hostess Fruit Pie alert.

Some news, Mary Alice says, is so important, that it has to come from a mediocre whiny character that we’ll most likely never see again.  In this case, it’s a hospital rep who has to tell someone in Wisteria Lane that their baby was switched at birth.  Somewhere, in her basement, holding a bucket of fish heads and looking out the smudgy window, Penny Scavo is praying to God that she’s the one that was switched.  She may possibly be breaking out into a rendition of “Maybe” from Annie.

While McCluskey’s running around the neighborhood, flappin’ her big gossipy gums about how Paul’s moved back to the ‘burb, Bree is at Gabby’s house.  She says she has something horrible to tell Gabby.

“I’ve had to subsidize my income by doing Mott’s apple juice commercials.”

Bree tells Gabby that Andrew was the one who ran over Mama Solis, and Gabby’s all, Oh great, so now Carlos is going to kill Andrew and he’ll go to jail.  Again.  For gay-bashing.  Again.

Over at the Scavo household, everybody’s complaining about something — hoooooollld on a second.  Something’s not right here . . .

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Yes, that’s right kids — Penny Scavo has been recast.  So long, Kendall Applegate — we hardly knew ye.  Here’s hoping she sues Marc Cherry for something.  In the meantime, it remains to be seen whether or not you will warm our hearts, Ms. Darcy Rose Byrnes, so until then, we are suspect of your abilities to portray the oft-forgotten Scavo girl child.  Anysnooch, everyone’s like, We want milk and clean plates and dry cleaned clothes and a mom who doesn’t use sarcasm as a weapon!  And Lynette’s all, I just had a baby, chumps, so suck it.  And how completely cute and adorable is the kid who plays Parker?  So cute.  Anyway, Lynette gets a phone call from one Renee Perry, who is apparently her friend who’s married to one of the Yankees.  And she’s coming to visit tomorrow!  Aaaaaaaugh!  Lynette wants everyone to start cleaning immediately, because she doesn’t want Renee to know she lives in a big dump of a house surrounded by baby poo and regret.

Over on the wrong side of the tracks, Susan opens the door to her new apartment.  I’m sure it’s supposed to look crappy, but I have to say, it’s nicer than most of the places I’ve lived.  M.J.’s like, Are we poor?  Mike and Susan try to sugar coat it, but it doesn’t work.

“So, basically you’re saying that we’re going to have effing pancakes for dinner every damn night.”

“No, not just pancakes!  Also . . . store-brand pot pies . . . But yeah, mostly pancakes.”

Susan tells M.J. they’ll be okay because they’ll pinch pennies and Susan can sell the jewelry she’s been making.  Okay.  Back it up.  Is anyone else completely bothered by the fact that everyone involved with this show has forgotten that Susan used to be a freaking successful children’s book illustrator?!  I mean, she even had an agent, and I think she may have even written her own book at some point or had a party for one she’d illustrated or something.  Come on, Cherry!  What the eff, man?!  Sigh.  Whatevs.  Susan gets a call from McCluskey saying that Paul Young’s back in town.

All the gals meet up on the street, and apparently Susan didn’t know that she was renting her house to sexy Paul Young.  Oh, I hope someone has an affair with Paul this season!  And I hope that someone is Bob.  And Carlos.  At the same time.  Paul invites all the gals in so he can tell them the news that Felicia is still alive and to, you know, also make them feel bad for not visiting him in prison.  Susan asks him why he’s back, and he’s all, “I missed my friends.”  Later, Gabby says Paul still gives her the creeps.  If by “creeps” you mean “boner,” then yeah.  Agreed.

The hospital dude arrives and spies Carlos (sans goatee, which is kind of off-putting), saying he has something urgent to tell him.  So, basically, Juanita?  Not really Carlos and Gabby’s bambina.  Needless to say, Carlos is surprised.

“Oh, sure, that’s completely understanda — WHAAAAAAA?!”

Hospital Guy hasn’t been able to track down the other family (really?) and Carlos is like, I’ll tell Gabby, but “this is going to destroy her.”  Um, sure.  Because she’s totally shown us how much she loves Juanita throughout these last couple of seasons.  Like Gabby wouldn’t instantly shove Juannie Sue onto the next Greyhound to live with her birth parents.

Lynette’s trying to get her family to pose like a Rockwell family on her porch, so that when Renee shows up, she’ll think all the Scavos are purdy.  Renee steps out of her limo, and:

BETTY APPLEWHITE!

Oh, wait, no.  Sorry.  I got her confused with the other black lady that was on the show. Yes, it’s Vanessa Williams.  No, you’re not surprised, because yes, ABC has been hyping this shit for weeks like it’s the second coming of Jesus Christ himself.  Lynette and Renee exchange passive-aggressive barbs, and then the fakest fake baby in the history of fakedom fake barfs on Lynette.

“Oh, dear.  Well, that’s to be expected with these new cyborg replicant babies.  Kids, get mommy a screwdriver so she can fix your sister!”

Lynette and Renee exchange “witty” barbs about each other, and then Parker’s like, “Why don’t you stay with us?”  And Lynette grudgingly accepts.

Susan drops off her deposit check to her landlady (the always fantastic Lainie Kazan), and tells her she’s sorry it’s late but she’s been having money problems.  Wow, way to tell your landlady that your rent will either be late or non-existent, Susan.  Smart.  Landlady Lainie invites Susan in for some tea and sympathy, oh and she has this great business where Susan can earn tons of money — as long as she strips down to her underwear and lets Landlady Lainie install a webcam in her home so pervy weirdos can watch her clean her house in her skivvies.  Which is actually how I paid for grad school.  But Susan is offended and won’t do it!  She has morals!  At least in this episode.

Carlos is at home, breaking out the family album with Juanita, who asks about her grandma.  The one Andrew ran over with the car.  Gabby’s in the doorway, concerned about this.  Gabby then tucks Juanita into bed, telling her how much she loves her, and how her life would be ruined if something happened to her.  Carlos is in the doorway, concerned about this.  I am in my recliner, concerned about Carlos’ naked face.

Over at the Legs Don’t Work Lodge, Orson’s things are packed, and his physical therapist takes them out to his car, leaving Orson to have a heart-to-heart with Bree.  Bree’s unhappy, and Orson tells her she needs a project, like cooking or shooting a gun or heading up the Fairview chapter of the Tea Party.

“Glenn Beck and I used to go out, you know.  That mormon mofo always knew where to get the best blow . . . “

But Bree says she doesn’t need a project, she just needs to think about her life and how sad and depressing it is and how she can’t drink anything to numb the pain.  Sounds like fun.  Bree looks at her wedding photos of Rex and Orson, and notices some wallpaper coming off the corner wall, and she does the most sensible thing she can think of — she rips that shit right off the wall and doesn’t stop until morning.

Over at the pokey, Paul visits Felicia, basically to rub her face in the fact that she’s in prison and he’s not.  You know what I’D like Paul to rub in MY face?  Brownies.  Because they’re delicious.  What, you were thinking something else?  Pervert.  Felicia says that when she gets out (18 months with good behavior), she’s either going to see him rot in jail or dead, “whichever’s easier.”  Kitty’s got claws.  Paul tells her to be careful about the phone calls cuz they’re recorded.  Felicia’s like, “You know you did it,” and then when he hangs up the phone, he mouths, “I did.”  Oh, dip!

Susan’s trying to sell her li’l blinglets to all the gals, who find various ways of insulting them nicely.  Speaking of witty insults, Renee shows up so that Lynette and she can trade barbs.  Wow, I’m so not getting sick of this.  Somehow, Renee crosses the line by insinuating that Lynette’s life isn’t really that successful anymore, and Lynette remembers that she hasn’t flown off the handle yet today, and figures, Meh, this is as good a time as any.  So Lynette barks at Renee about how she has a family and blah blah blah, and Renee’s all, I’m just saying you’re not as adventurous as you used to be.  And then Renee reveals that Lynette had a threeway with a couple of guys from the rugby team.  And, of course, Tom arrives back home from work just in time to hear this.

“I am scared and confused about my sudden indiscriminate boner.”

Getting ready for bed, Lynette whines about Renee to Tom, who’s oddly still fascinated by the two men who did it with Lynette.  Lynette says that Renee shouldn’t get to be disappointed by Lynette’s life, and immediately leaves to yell at her.  But Renee admits that her life isn’t as glamorous as it was when she was on Ugly Betty.  Apparently, Renee’s husband had an affair and left her for the other woman.  Lynette sympathizes — after all, she almost cheated on Tom with that pizza dude — and invites Renee to stay with the Scavo family, because their house isn’t full enough.

At the hospital, Carlos shows up to tell Hospital Dude that he either a.) will sue the hospital for $20 million, or b.) Hospital Dude makes everything go away and get rid of all the evidence so that Gabby never finds out.  Carlos says he can never tell Gabby . . . And at home, Gabby tells Bree that she can never tell Carlos about Andrew running his mom over and killing her.  Although, didn’t she wake up and then die from nurse negligence at the hospital?  I kind of remember that.

Susan brings home pork chops and 1-ply toilet paper, which is just ill planning on her part, I must say.  Mike’s all worried because the bank turned down his loan application and now he can’t hire anyone or take on more work.  Mike’s also thinking about taking a job in Alaska on an oil rig.  Which sounds perfectly safe.  He can earn triple the money.  But Susan says that Mike is needed at home . . . but there aren’t any options.  Susan tells Mike to give it a month, because the jewelry thing is really taking off.  And we cut to — Susan knocking on Landlady Lainie’s door and telling her that she won’t do nudity, but she’ll totally iron clothes in her sexy lady garments.

Hey, David Silver’s at Bree’s house!  He grew up and got tattoos!  He’s kind of hunky now.

Until you remember this.

Instant boner repellent.  He’s in a wife beater (of course), because he’s Bree’s handyman (of course).  He suggests to Bree that she go crazy and paint the walls red or something.  But red is a whore color, Bree reminds us, so that’s out of the question.  Orson shows up to hand Bree some divorce papers, and Bree invites him to a dinner party.  But his physical therapist is all, Orson, don’t we have plans for a wine tasting that night?  Oh, lord.  Orson tells Bree that it just happened, and then tells her that they both deserve to be happy, which to Bree apparently means that she’ll eventually have to go all Cougar Town on David Silver’s ass.

Lee shows up (didn’t he run away to Chicago or break up with Bob or something?) to do what he does best:  Whine.  He complains to Paul that everyone hates him now that they know he sold the house to Paul freakin’ Young.  But Paul’s not through yet.  No, that sexy diabolical gent has his eyes set on his old house as well, which has just been placed on the market.  What in the heck would Paul want with that house, Lee wonders.  Oh, don’t worry, Paul says.  “I’ve had 10 years to work on this plan.  It’s a good one.”  Curiouser and curiouser.

Mary Alice voiceover!  She blahs about people finding ways to, I don’t know, do things again, or hiding secrets, or something.  Meanwhile, in the big house, Felicia posts a newspaper clipping of Paul on her wall.  She tells her inmate that even though she’s in prison, she knows Paul will be dead within 6 months.  Because “Paul Young doesn’t have friends on that street.  I do.”  Hmmm.

Well, there you have it.  Season 7′s premiere episode.  I gotta say, while I’m extremely excited about Paul and Felicia coming back, and the show going back to it’s roots, this episode?  Kinda blah. Not season-5-we-already-know-the-ending-beige-hair blah, but still.  Could’ve been better.  See you next week!

Next week:  Things heat up with Bree and David Silver; Susan lies to Mike about her new job as a cleaning whore; Lynette gets jealous (wow, that’s a new concept!) about Renee’s relationship with Tom; and Paul introduces us to . . . his new wife, which is slightly WTF.  But only slightly.