DH: Tom and Lynette Business Fight #151

Holy crap, a new episode of Desperate Housewives?!  Is this for real?  I assure you, my friends, it is indeed real.  And it’s about time.  I think they ran more episodes during the writer’s strike a couple years ago.  All right.  Let’s jump right in!

Mary Alice says that we never know the moment our lives are about to change forever — we could be making dinner like Paul, or sitting on the couch in the dark like Susan and Mike, or shotgunning a bottle of Robitussin like me.  Both Susan and Paul get phone calls from the hospital.  We all know why Paul’s getting a phone call.  Susan’s news is a little better, since she’s getting a kidney.  The doctor tells Paul that Beth isn’t technically dead, but there’s no brain activity, so she’s what we in the medical profession call a “husk.”  The doc tells Paul that Beth’s an organ donor and Paul tells him not to touch Beth until he gets there.  Credits.

Mary Alice blahs about how the women of Wisteria Lane like to celebrate:

“Here’s to going a whole 4 episodes without arguing about money, jobs, or lack of initiative!”

“Hell yeah!  My Spider Man reboot audition is in the bag!”

“Sure, you spelled the word ‘cat’ with a ’6′ but let’s have cake anyway!”

All the ladies meet Susan at the hospital to congratulate her on getting a new kidney.  Everyone’s excited for this except Renee, who is concerned that Susan won’t be attending her party even though she R.S.V.P.’d.  This whole bit is supposed to be funny because Renee is a vapid shell of a human being, but the whole thing falls kind of flat.  The kidney guy comes up and breaks the news that Beth shot herself and that’s how Susan is getting the kidney.  Everyone is shocked, just shocked!  Susan won’t get the kidney tonight because they’re giving Paul some more time with Beth.  Bree chides herself for not seeing how much pain Beth was in when she went to see her at the motel.

The next morning, Bree gets a phone call from McCluskey, who wants Bree to get her “ass over here” A.S.A.P.  Why, you ask?  Because there’s something of Bree’s at McCluskey’s house.  As she puts it:  “It reeks of mai-tais and you gave birth to it!”  HA HA HA!  Oh, McCluskey.  How I’ve missed you.  Turns out Andrew got drunk, broke into McCluskey’s house, and passed out.  Now, lest you have disbelief that this kind of thing can happen, I can prove that it does.  When I was a senior in college, the people across the hall threw a party (we lived in government assisted housing and seriously paid like $90 each in rent.  It was awesome.).  Now, our front door had a bad habit of not closing all the way, even when we locked it.  I did not attend said party, but I awoke the next morning to a rather white-trashy gentlemen pulling on my feet and asking, “Hey, man.  Man.  Do you know where my hat is?”  Apparently this drunk asshole had stumbled over across the hall, gotten into our apartment, and slept on our couch.  And I kid you not, his foot odor was so bad that it took a month and copious amounts of Febreeze to get his foot stench out of the couch.  It was nasty.

Bree and Alex (Andrew’s boyfriend who apparently still does exist) come to take Andrew home, and McCluskey is all, “If I wanted a drunk homo on my couch, I would have married my college boyfriend!”  HA HA HA!  McCluskey FTW!  So, I guess Andrew’s still drunk?  I call b.s. on that.  It’s like 8 in the morning.  Hungover?  Definitely.  But still woozy and slurring?  Nah.  I don’t think so.  Bree tells Andrew he has to be careful cuz she’s an alcoholic, so he has the genes for it as well.  After Andrew passes out, Alex tells Bree that his drinking is out of control and he’s thought about leaving Andrew.  We’ll really miss you, Alex, especially since you’re so integral to the show that we went a whole season without seeing you.  Bree says she’ll talk to Andrew and try to get him some help.

Renee is still adamant about throwing her “Spring Fling” party.  By the way, I hate what she’s done to Edie’s house.  Her house looks like a bag of Skittles ate a box of cupcakes, washed them down with Purple Passion, and then proceeded to violently barf all over the place.  Gabby comes over to say that throwing a party in the wake of what happened with Beth may be a smidge tacky.  But Renee’s having none of that!  Screw brian-dead neighbors!  Screw tact!  Bring on the bacon-wrapped shrimp!  Renee says that she’s hired caterers and crap, so the party is still on, so Gabby needs to spread the word.

Susan goes to the hospital to talk to Paul and tells him that she’s sorry, but he can take comfort in the fact that Beth can still live on thanks to her donation.  This doesn’t really comfort Paul.  He says that Beth is alive and he’s going to keep her that way as long as he can, and she wasn’t in her right mind when she signed the papers. He then asks Susan if she thinks she deserves Beth’s kidney, since she didn’t do crap for Beth when she was alive.  Touche, Paul Young.  Touche.

“There was that time I was beating the crap out of you and she threatened to shoot me.  That was kind of fun.”

Mike’s at the hospital telling the hospital people that Beth signed the documents so there shouldn’t be any reason that Susan can’t get the kidney.  They agree, but they’re not going to go to litigation with a grieving husband, because it’s too “delicate.”  Fairview Memorial Hospital:  Not Wanting to Get Involved Since 1904.  Seriously.  What a douchey thing to say.  Mike says that Paul has a vendetta against himself and Susan and this has nothing to do with Paul’s grief.  The hospital administrative dude tells Mike that they won’t stop him from litigating, but Susan says that she doesn’t want to go to court, because it’s Paul’s decision.  Okay, fine.  Have Bree give Susan her kidney.  Problem solved.  Geez.

Andrew’s helping Bree drop off some homemade donuts and baked goods to an “anonymous” client.  Ooooh, clever!  Yes, the “client” turns out to be an AA meeting and Andrew is not happy about that.  Bree says that no one has to know they’re related; he should just give it a chance.  He tells the AA group leader that his name is Elvis . . . which is funny, how?  Apparently, the writers fulfilled their weekly hilarity quota with McCluskey.  Sorry, other actors!  You can’t be funny this week.

Tom, Carlos, and some dude named Glenn who’s a bigwig at some company get back from a golf game, and Glenn totes needs to pee, so Lynette and Tom invite him in to take care of that.  Ooh, but Glenn has an agenda!  What?!  He wants Tom to be his CFO, because a random person offering you an amazing job out of the blue is how employment works in the real world.  Glenn says that people have been bragging about Tom Scavo and his business acumen.  Apparently, these people skipped right over that pizzeria fiasco.  Geez.  The job comes with private jet access and stock options, which would be kind of nice.  Tom turns down the offer out of his loyalty to Carlos and Lynette’s not happy about that and ohmigod not this again!  Bad, lazy writers!  Bad writers!  Have you not been reading my recaps and seeing me complain that all Lynette and Tom do is argue about (mostly Tom’s) jobs and business and initiative (and lack thereof)?!  I don’t want to see this anymore!  Gah!

For the record, Desperate Housewives writers, here are some acceptable Tom and Lynette plots:

1.)  Tom’s great-uncle dies and leaves him a country estate, but he’ll only get it if he and his family spend a night in it.  Also, it’s haunted.
2.)  Penny, trying to break her chains with a hammer while she’s locked in the basement, strikes oil, and the Scavos become rich.
3.)  Lynette buys a doll to make up for her lost child and ends up getting way too attached to it.
4.) Tom becomes a drag queen.
5.)  Lynette blows their entire savings on Star Wars memorabilia.
6.)  They host a foreign exchange student named Chang.  Hilarity ensues.
7.)  Two words:  Monkey butler.
8.)  Tom and Lynette become born-again Christian singers and sell their homemade CDs at the mall.
9.)  Lynette is an alien.
10.)  Two words:  Pirate ghost.

“Blah blah blah you suck at business stuff blah.”

“Blah blah blah you never have faith in me blah.”

Pretty much, Beth.  Pretty much.

Ugh, I need a drink.  And perfect timing, since we’re back to Andrew’s alcoholism.  At the AA meeting, the leader asks “Elvis” to talk a bit.  He’s hesitant, but Bree says that no one’s going to judge him.  So, “Elvis” says that he’s got some issues with his mother, namely that she “gave birth to a son and not a puppet.”  Oh, Andrew, you saucy bitch.  You want to open that can of worms?  You don’t want to mention that you physically attacked your mom, lied about her abusing you then tried to sue her for it, slept with her boyfriend, and were an all-around ass?  The pendulum of judgment, much like Ryan Seacrest, swings both ways, my friend.  Andrew blahs about how his mom is controlling and nothing he ever did was good enough.  He tells a story about how he wanted to run for class president, and his mom was all, “Are you sure about this?  You’re not a born leader.”  Bree says that his mom sounds like a “loving mother who was trying to protect her son.”  Andrew says no, and then the two of them go back and forth a bit and Bree says that there’s a difference between sharing and lying.  During the Serenity Prayer, Andrew walks away.

“God grant me the serenity to not kick that bitchy queen’s lily white ass!”

How freaking gorgeous is Marcia Cross, you guys?  She’s lovely.  Anyway, Gabby’s going door-to-door to remind people that the Spring Fling is still going on, in spite of Beth Young’s being on life support from shooting herself in the head.  Nothing says “spring” like bedsores and colostomy bags!  Rightly, people aren’t really impressed by this.  Especially the awesome McCluskey, who says this:  “Put Roy and me down for a ‘no.’  But please call us when you have your Hurricane Katrina Pool Party.”  HA HA HA HA!  Oh, McCluskey.  You almost make up for the Tom and Lynette Business Fight #151.  Almost.  Even Mitzi — whom I love and hope they give more air-time to! — thinks it’s too much to have a party when “Betty Young” just blew her brains out.  Hee.  Bree asks Gabby what’s wrong with her.  I mean, did she learn nothing from Mary Alice’s little incident?

Renee tells Gabby that everyone can go to hell and they’re throwing the party anyway.  Gabby wants to change the date, but Renee says that she’s always had the party on the first Sunday of April, so everyone can suck it!  Just because some “cuckoo bird decided to clean her ears with a handgun” does not mean that people should be denied crab cakes and appletinis!  I miss Edie, you guys.  I really do.  Edie was a fun beyotch.  Renee is just kind of cruel.

Back at Susan and Mike’s apartment, Mike says he needs to know why Susan doesn’t want to fight for her kidney.  Valid, Mike.  I mean, my god, Susan almost married a gay guy, and then for reals married Karl just so she could have an operation for a freaking wandering spleen.  So why isn’t she fighting for a kidney?  Susan says it’s hard to deal with the fact that Beth killed herself to give Susan a kidney, which doesn’t make sense, since Susan wasn’t exactly besties with Beth.  She says that she can’t take Beth’s kidney “knowing that maybe I’m the reason she’s lying in that hospital.”  Wow, you guys.  That’s seriously really, really sad.

Tom’s in bed, reading a book called, “How to Beat Dead Horses:  Desperate Housewives Plots For Beginners,” when Lynette decides to initiate some sexy time.  She does this whole sexy stewardess thing, using puns about “taking off” and “helping with a seat belt” and “locked and upright positions” and “oxygen is flowing, even though the bag may not inflate.”  Maybe not that last one.

“Oh, yeah, baby.  Additional low level lighting will totally help me find my way to the exits.”

“Oooooh, yeah, stud.  If you are traveling with small children, please secure your mask first, and then assist the child.  You know . . . sexily.”

How hot is Felicity Huffman?  So hot that I want to have a threeway . . . with Carlos and Bob.  Anyway, when Lynette tells Tom that she’s talking about a private jet, Tom’s boner goes away.  Lynette says that she understands that Tom wants to be loyal, but can he at least try to get something out of this?  Tom says he’ll talk to Carlos and see if he can match the salary.  As much as I’m hating this plot, I’m on Lynette’s side.  Forget about the jet and stock options, Tom — you have 5 kids.  Five kids!

At the prison chapel, Felicia sits in a pew, all sad.  Paul arrives and asks her why Felicia ordered Beth’s life support cut off.  She says that Beth is dead and they both know what killed her.  She goes on to say that they don’t get to use her any more — the “sick game” they play finally found a victim, the “only innocent person” in the game.  Felicia tells Paul that he “refused to love her,” and she “turned [Beth] away because she did,” in fact, love Paul.  Paul is shocked that Beth may have loved him, while Felicia says she’s praying for forgiveness She says they need to stop, and they have to let Beth rest.  The whole thing is very sad, seeing Felicia break down her wall.  But I’ve known Felicia Tilman too long to fully believe that she’s being sincere . . .

Bree stops by Andrew’s house to see if he wants to go to another AA meeting.  Andrew won’t go and says that “Elvis has left the building.”  Ah.  So the whole “Elvis” plot was just a set-up for that one, lame joke.  Worth it!  Andrew says that he’s fine and doesn’t have a problem, which Bree says is the biggest cliche in AA.  Andrew says that he has a lot of problems, like not having a job and Alex’s crazy work hours.  He says that he dusted the other day and felt proud about it, which Bree of course says is nothing to be ashamed of.  The only thing he has to look forward to, he says, is kicking back with a few Zimas with Jolly Ranchers dropped in at the end of the day.  As long as he doesn’t hurt anyone, he doesn’t see the big deal.  He says he’ll be okay, and Bree walks away.

. . . as far as the front door, before going back inside, telling Andrew that she went to see Beth, could see something was wrong, and just walked away.  She’ll never do that again, certainly not with Andrew, who drops the bombshell that Alex left him.  Oh no!  Poor Andrew.  Bree says that things will get better, but he needs to start by going to a meeting.  Andrew says that he can’t talk about his issues in front of strangers and Bree says that they can just have a meeting with the two of them.  Awwww!  It’s very sweet.  Who would have thought that the most dysfunctional mother/child relationship would turn out to be the best?  Maybe Lynette should drop all her kids off in the middle of nowhere and let them be homeless for half a year.  Also, Andrew, can I have your liquor?

“Have you tried huffing paint thinner instead?  That’s what gets me through the day.”

Tom’s in Carlos’s office, giving him the rundown on what happened with Glenn.  Carlos says he doesn’t have the finances to step up and make the same offer.  He does offer the title of Chief Marketing Officer (um, that’s an actual position?), profit participation, and a company car.   And we flash cut to . . . Lynette saying that the offer is crap.  Lynette berates Tom for a couple minutes.  Tom asks why Lynette keeps pushing him like this and Lynette is all, “Because if I don’t, you go nowhere.”

“That would be a completely shocking and hurtful comment if I hadn’t already heard it 14 times each season!”

Lynette thinks Tom is an amazing husband and father, but not a good businessman.  She says that he’s 46 years old and has to grab opportunities, continuing that Carlos would totally take the position if he was offered it, which is a good point.  Tom tells her to drop it.  Look, I love Lynette.  And I like Tom.  I love Lynette and Tom together — I think they’re great parents and really love each other, and they can be really fun together sometimes.  But I just don’t want to hear this argument any more.  If you ask me (and I know you didn’t but it’s my recap so there!), I think their dynamic works best when Lynette is working full-time outside the home and Tom is the stay-at-home parent.

I apologize for getting serious for a moment.  Here are some silly words to make up for that:  Boobies!  Farts!  Genitals!  Better?  Let’s continue.  Gabby’s taking out the trash when she spies Renee’s driveway full of cars and hears generic party music coming from her house, so she goes to get a closer look.  Apparently, tons of people don’t give a crap about Beth’s suicide.  Gabby’s surprised so many people showed up and Renee tells her that the elite always show up to party.  Apparently, the elite includes the animal control guy who picks up dead birds and the pool cleaner.  Gabby and Renee trade barbs about how blue-collar people suck and aren’t worthy to go to fancy parties.  I guess Renee had to scrounge up some random party guests when no one else would show up.  Gabby wonders why Renee had the party anyway and Renee says that she’s not sad about Beth, so the party should go on.  Gabby talks about Beth’s pain and Renee calls Beth a “selfish bitch” who didn’t care about who she hurt.  Look, we all know there’s an underlying reason why Renee is acting like a heartless beyotch, so let’s shorthand it:  Renee’s mom killed herself.  Who’s surprised?  No one.  Renee doesn’t really want to talk about it because she’s not a hug-it-out kind of person and she’ll never forget what her mom did.  But she’ll be damned if she lets it define her.  The party is her way of saying, “I choose life over death.”  Gabby decides to stay for the party.  I’m sorry Renee’s mom killed herself and all, but to me, that doesn’t really excuse her for throwing a party when Beth killed herself recently.  If she doesn’t want to be sad, that’s her right, but throwing a party is really disrespectful to Beth, Paul, and everybody else who wants to mourn or whatever.  Sorry, Renee.  I ain’t buyin’ it.  And you know what?  Even Edie (who probably would have thrown the party too) would have had the decency to raise a glass and toast to Beth.  That Edie was one classy bitch.

Lynette’s all dressed up and at a car dealership, looking at a cherry red Lamberporschemobilething.  She says the car is for a friend of hers, and wouldn’t you know it, when she takes it for a test drive, she parks it in Carlos’s driveway.  Um, doesn’t Gabby have like, nothing to do, ever?  I’d think she’d be home and notice that, but whatevs.  Tom comes home from work and is kind of pissed that Carlos “bought a $70,000 Lotus.”  He tells Lynette that she’s right (oh, Tom, you should NEVER say that!) and he’s gonna take the offer from Glenn.  Lynette hands him the phone and he calls Glenn to tell him that he accepts the offer.  But Tom’s not done yet.  Oh, no, he wants to go tell Carlos off!  Lynette follows him outside and tells him the truth.  Tom is not happy.

“Blah blah blah you manipulated me blah.”

“Blah blah blah I did it to prove a point blah.”

Lynette’s point is that Carlos COULD have bought the car because he doesn’t let opportunities pass him by and Tom totally does.  Tom says they’re taking the car back right now.  When they get in, Lynette tells him that he could be the kind of guy who owns this kind of car.  Or, you know, the kind of guy who puts all of his kids through college.  Either one.  Of course, while driving the car, Tom falls in love with it, therefore sealing his fate as Glenn’s new CFO.

“Don’t we have a newborn baby at home?”

“Nah, it’s cool.  I locked her in the basement with Penny.  Floor it, you bastard!”

Paul shows up at Susan’s apartment to talk to her.  He tells her that he’s going to the hospital to see Beth and say goodbye — he’ll sign some papers to let her die and then Susan will get Beth’s kidney.  Annnnnddd, I’m going to cry, you guys.  Paul asks her to forgive him for what he said, but Susan says he was right — she was horrible to Beth, never giving her a chance or trying to get to know her.  She wonders why Beth would help her when she did nothing to deserve it.  Paul says that Beth didn’t love people because they deserved it.  He’s clearly talking about himself, which is just so sad.  Paul tells Susan to accept the kidney so she can live for her son and family and friends.  She tells Paul that she’s so sorry about Beth and then Paul starts crying, and it’s incredibly sad, especially when you think about how tragic Paul’s life has really been, what with Mary Alice, Zach’s estrangement, and now Beth.  Susan hugs Paul and it’s a really wonderful moment.

Mary Alice talks about the moments when our lives change forever — when we admit our weaknesses, rise to a challenge, accept a sacrifice, or let a loved one go.  It’s actually a very nice Mary Alice voiceover.  Mostly because she’s not judging us from beyond the grave like she normally does.  Felicia’s still in the chapel when the warden comes in . . . and says that Felicia’s been granted release!  What?!  She finds it sadly ironic that her daughter had to die so that she can go free.  And just when you think she may have changed, she gives us that good ole Felicia Tilman Sinister Smirk.  Oh, dear.

Bjork’s latest album cover is remarkably restrained.

Next Week:  No new episode.  AGAIN.  Because ABC apparently thinks America needs a two hour Brothers and Sisters episode.

In Two Weeks:  Tom and Lynette have private jet sex.  Andrew wants to make amends to Carlos about killing Carlos’s mom, and then Carlos might take Andrew to a cabin and kill him!  AAAA!!  And the best news is that there will be a new episode from then on every week until the season ends!  Yay!