Fathers Know Best

It was with trepidation that I watched last night’s episode of Desperate Housewives. After last weeks big finale I was half expecting them to pull a Dallas and have George’s kinda but not really suicide be all a dream, or that he didn’t actually die, he just got sick, or what have you. But no, he’s dead all right. And Bree killed him. Well, not so much killed him but let him die through inaction. No, actually now that I think about it, she definitely killed him. But since this is the world of Desperate Housewives you know it isn’t going to be that simple and neat. No one gets away scott free with murder. Well except for maybe Paul, who’s already murdered at least 2 people and is still happily mowing his lawn on Wisteria lane. Man, this show is messed up. The show opens as Bree is showing up at George’s house as the cops are there taking it apart. She is playing innocent acting as if she doesn’t’ know where he is, even though we all saw her let stand over him and watch him die last episode. Ahh, but that’s not all. The detective shows her an evidence bag and asks her if she recognizes its contents. “those are my panties!” Bree exclaims. (Heh. She said panties) But that’s not all. It seems George has had a shrine room dedicated to Bree, including a life size sex doll in her likeness. And this isn’t the healthy and innocent fanlike shrine room/sex doll like my Natalie Portman one. No, this is a creepy one.

Now if you’re upset that George is gone from the show remember that this is Wisteria Lane. There is always an abundance of psycho’s waiting in the wings to take up the slack. And on that vein we see Zach, creepy obsessive kidnapper son of Paul the murderer (but actually the real son of Mike the rugged Marlboro man who used to date Susan). He’s back. Paul brings him inside and they talk over lunch where Zach asks about who his real father is. Paul lies and says he doesn’t know. And I gotta say there is something about that kid that creeps me out. He has this weaselly mouth that is like 3 times too small for his face. It’s just not right. This shows casting director needs an Emmy, if not for being good at casting psycho’s than for his/her next casting coup.

Thats right, in a casting masterstroke we see the man, the legend, Michael Ironside. One of the best character actors this side of M. Emmet Walsh has now entered the world of Desperate Housewives. Who can forget his work as the voice of Splinter Cell’s Sam Fisher, Richter from Total Recall or the role where he captured our hearts, Ham Tyler from V? He plays a mystery man named Monroe. We see him in his office packing up his gun and handcuffs as the newspaper showing Caleb’s capture is on his desk. As he’s talking to his assistant we also see him quickly use an asthma inhaler. I would now like to officially declare that this inhaler will become a major plot point in the next few episodes at a critical junction. Something like he is in a position where he needs to use it or he will die but can’t reach it yet someone else can, or something along those lines. I say this not because I have any inside info, but just because it’s such a random thing for him to do that it must have some sort of story significance later on. Mark my words. His assistant Jerry asks if he needs any helps saying “the guy is dangerous.” “He’s a halfwit.” Monroe say’s, he can handle him just fine. Yeah, just make sure you don’t lose your inhaler.

Over at Lynette’s she’s having coffee with the girls and Bree is explaining the whole George incident, minus the whole “I stood over him and watched him die” part. But since she is surrounded by an ex junkie, a greedy adulterer and an arsonist, it’s not like anyone would bat an eye. They are interrupted by a car across the street at Bree’s house. It’s her son Andrew home from “re-education camp”. You may remember him as her evil gay son who vowed ultimate revenge on Bree. When Bree tells him about what happened with George he blames Bree for inviting him into their lives and causing her death. He then tells her that he’s inviting his friend Justin over for the night. When se asks what kind, he say’s “the real good kind”. Wow, what a manslut.

Speaking of mansluts, Susan’s dad is over her place for coffee. Susan wants to get to know him but he’s still not interested, even when she goes over old family albums with him. Oh look, here she is on a crappy show about Superman with Dean Cain. And here she is on Seinfeld with unusually big breasts. And here she is in the movie Heaven’s Prisoners with Alec Baldwin. Whats that? No, those aren’t fried eggs I’m holding, I’m actually topless.

Things change for Addison later however when he calls her up from jail needing her to bail him out. When she shows up she finds out he has been arrested for solicitation. He say’s he was entrapped because he asked the prostitute 3 times of she was a cop and, according to Addison “they have to tell you”. I have heard that so many times in the movies that I’m starting to wonder if it’s an old wives tale. A quick visit to snopes.com confirms that this is in fact a bunch of hooey. There is nothing in the law that prohibits the police from lying to suspects. So for all you readers out there with a taste for whores, and I can name 4 off the top of my head, keep that in mind. And don’t say I never looked out for ya.

I’m not gonna lie. Thats a lot of jowls.

When Susan goes to drop him off, he asks her if he’s off the hook for the whole “father daughter thing”. Susan is adamant and insists they have coffee this week. Addison agrees and as he leaves his car we see his wife in her car across the street seeing then together in the car. The next morning when Susan goes to get her paper she sees that the word “whore” has been painted on her garage door. But since this is Susan she doesn’t notice right away and instead has a conversation with a neighbor all the while oblivious to the giant red whore sign right behind her. Oh Susan!

After Addison sees the graffiti on Susan’s garage door he confirms that it is indeed his wife Carol’s handwriting. Susan says she has to tell her the truth. Addison says he’ll talk to her. Later when Susan is grocery shopping, Carol sees her and starts attacking her by throwing her groceries at her. Man, I hate Susan schtick. When Susan blurts out that she is his son she stops stunned. She says that they were married when he had the affair and it means he has been cheating on her for years. She warns Susan not to get to close because he will break her heart.

Later, when Susan is painting over the whore on her garage door Addison shows up. He says he isn’t proud of what he’s done, but there are some things he’s proud of. He says she is one for the things he can be most proud of. He tells her he needs some time to work on his marriage but when that’s done he wants to know if they can still get to know each other. She says she will wait for his call. Then Addison drives off and gets a blumpkin from the tranny on the corner of 34th and Washington for 20 bucks.

At Lynette’s work she is approaching her boss Ed with an idea for getting day care at the office. All they need is Ed’s kid to join and that will make the minimum 16 kids needed. Unfortunately Ed says that his wife Fran won’t let their kid out of her sight, but Lynette can try if she wants. Lynette calls his wife in to talk and when she gives her the day care pitch, she isn’t buying it. Fran is played by Penelope Ann Miller, raising the number of Academy Award nominee actresses on the show to 2. Not too shabby eh?

When Fran opts out of the day care plan Lynette seems to reluctantly accept it. As Fran is leaving however, she asks Lynette why she had kids if she didn’t want to raise them? Lynette defensively says that she is a very good mother, minus a few drug addictions here and some lying there. Fran says she couldn’t be happy with being just a good mother; she wants to be a great mother. Sorry lady, but that job is filled. With that we get a look on Lynette’s face that simply says “Bring. It. On.” Fran is going down.

In classic Lynette style she next decides to manipulate Ed. “IF you don’t stand up to her you’ll get more resentful, and without a proper father figure Mindy will grow up to be a stripper”. That’s right, without day care she will be a stripper. Gee, I never had day care and I only stripped for a few years and then moved on to a successful career as a blogger/ Motorcross superstar. How do you explain that one Lynette? Although, in her defense, Mindy’s mom was nominated for an Oscar for playing a stripper, so it’s in the genes.

Because Ed is Ed, he falls for it and the next time we see him he has baby in tow. And Ed also being an idiot he tells Lynette that he just grabbed the baby and ran while Fran was in the shower. This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever but again, that’s an old EdHill saying. I don’t do that anymore. When Fran shows up Livid, Ed hands Lynette the baby while they fight. In order or break it up Lynette locks herself into the glass conference room with the baby and refuses to come out until they have made up. This of course works like a charm (kidnapping babies always does!) and Fran and Ed bond and Lynette finally gets her daycare. Once again we learn an important lesson from Lynette. Lying is always the answer.

Meanwhile Gabrielle is showing up to church hopping mad because Carlos forgot their massage appointment. Carlos was helping frizzed out Sister Mary with mailings for the churches upcoming trip to Botswana. When Gabrielle storms off she gets a smug look from Sister Mary and I finally realize where I’ve seen her before. Sister Mary is in fact 80’s rocker Lita Ford!

Later at a church meeting Gabrielle is having small talk with the priest and finds out that if it weren’t for a lack of funds Sister Mary would have been going on the Botswana trip and been gone for months. Seeing an opening Gabrielle then donates the 8 thousand dollar shortfall and the priest announces that the trip is on after all. Yah!

The next afternoon as Gabrielle comes home she sees Sister Mary and Carlos laughing it up in the living room. She then lets it slip that Carlos is coming with her to Botswana. Because that’s the kidn of thing you want to decide without talking it over with your wife first. He wants to be one of “Gods soldiers� (apparently talking about life changing decisions with your wife first isn’t high on the list of things for “Gods Soldiers�) and Sister Mary said she’d rather have a “male companion with her�. Other than Jesus that is, because Jesus won’t sneak into her tent in Botswana and give her the high hard one. Knowing that Carlos was just early paroled and the idea if sending him to a third world country is absolutely unthinkable in any circumstance, the writers throw in a throw away line along the lines of “My parole officer is being a real mensch about this�. What are the chances of a devout Catholic “soldier of God� referring to someone as a mensch? See, there I go, getting all “Old EdHill� again. Go with the flow man go with the flow.

When she goes to leave Gabrielle tells Sister Mary that she is not above hitting a nun, Sister Mary comes back and says that she can go ahead, but she better leave a mark. Now if it was me I’d just knee her in the cooter real hard and pull her hair. That never leaves a mark. But Gabrielle must not fight girls as much as I do and she does nothing.

Oooh. Soo close.

Her moment comes later however as she is at the hospital helping Carlos fill out forms and realizes he forgot to fill out his list of allergies. When she finds out from the nurse that leaving out the fact that he is allergic to eggs will leave him sick with the shots he’s about to take, she leaves the space empty. This of course leads us to the next scene with Carlos sick in bed and not going to Botswana. Things get even more interesting when Carlos calls out Sister Mary’s name in his delirium. And they get even more interesting when he mumbles something about her using “the whole fist this time”.

At Bree’s house we see Andrew and Justin playing video games. When Andrew goes to make out with Justin he says they shouldn’t because his mom could walk in. At this point Andrew says he doesn’t care and reveals his master plan of waiting one day until Bree screws up so he can ruin her life. Ahhh, nothing like a good old evil gay stereotype to fall back on. All we need now is a greedy Jew and a drunk Irishman and we’re all set.

The next day Bree tells Andrew she wants Andrew and Danielle to see a therapist together. Andrew wants nothing to do with it and expresses his disgust at not being able to kill George himself. Bree asks him if knowing George was executed would help him and he says yes. This leads Bree to stupidly tell Andrew everything that happened that night. That she let him die, etc. Andrew thanks his mother and gives her a hug and we get a close-up of the evil gay mastermind now plotting his mother’s demise.

The Applewhite’s meanwhile are also plotting. In fact pretty much everyone plots on this show at some point or another. THe APllewhites are going to spring Caleb from the psych ward at the hospital. Betty is posing as a volunteer playing the piano. What they don’t know is badass Michael Ironside is also in the hospital posing as a hospital worker and holding a syringe looking for Caleb. When he spots him in the break room listening to the music, he sees Matthew sneak Caleb out of the hospital and follows him out.

Finally the episode ends with Paul telling Mike that his crazy small mouthed son Zach is back, but tells Mike that he is to stay way from them or he will go to the police. When he then says that he and Zach are moving away Mike tells him that if he does he will go to the police, thus leaving everything in a nice soap opera standstill that will take months to resolve.

And speaking of months that’s the last new episode until January 8th of 2006, so I hope it was enough to tide you over. But don’t worry, TVGasm is now recapping Grey’s Anatomy too so I’m sure that’ll tide you over until then. And of course there’s always Project Runway 2 which starts this week. What does Runway have to do with Desperate Hosuewives. Eh, not much really, its just the best reality show on TV. You gotta do what you gotta do in those dark days between sweeps months.