Desperate Housewives: Fright Night

We all have fears. A fear that our lover doesn’t feel the same as we do. A fear of the dark, and what lurks and goes bump within that darkness. A fear that our television series won’t be picked up for another season. The only way to overcome these fears is to face them and come out the other side stronger and more resilient. I did that this week and watched Desperate Housewives in High Definition for the first time. Truly terrifying.

“Okay, Ms. Hatcher. We’re gonna do one more coat and see if that works.”

Mary Alice Ghostly tells us that Edie Britt had a lot of fears as a kid and the mean boys in the neighborhood never missed a chance to try and scare her, whether by putting a frog down the back of her dress, prank calling her, or lifting her skirt to reveal her teeny weeny in church. Today her only fear is that her man would leave her for another man-woman. And bunnies.

When Edie walks in to her home, her biggest fear is coming true as Carlos is packing all his belongings while wearing a bunny suit. He tells her that she must know things haven’t been working for a while; she’s been giving it to him from behind moderately hard at best and the last time they played “schoolgirl and stern headmaster,” she basically phoned it in, making Carlos carry the entire scene with his school girl performance. Edie begs Carlos to be honest with her and tell her if there is someone else to which he replies no, there’s barely even her. Edie of course knows otherwise, so after Carlos leaves she hightails it to the local branch of the IRS.

A clip from the wildly unpopular classic spin-off A Very Brady Gangbang

Halloween has once again come to Wisteria Lane, and just like fashion trends, it comes late. The new gays on the block are out trolling for attendees that don’t already hate them and set their sights on Bree since she has a gay son and wears that frigid bitch costume everyday anyway. While talking to Bree, Bob and Lee look up to see Danielle pushing her big greasy face against the window. Bob asks if that was the daughter they’ve read so much about in truck stop bathrooms, but Bree tells them that it was actually her son Andrew trying on his Cher costume for Halloween. Bob and Lee say they definitely want him at the party.

“Shoot! My scaregay didn’t work.”

Lynette is being brought home from her latest round of Chemo with Tom and Stella raving about what a trooper she was and how she doesn’t have many more rounds of chemo to go. As she’s being led inside, Lynette notices a hole in the garden beside the one she dug to threaten the kids. Stella says that it’s probably from the opossum she saw in the yard the other day. Lynette freaks out because no one told her that there was an opossum in the yard. Them’s good eatin’.

Susan and Mike are at the Potentially Mutated Children Clinic. Susan asks why her OB/GYN recommended that she come there and the doctor tells her that since she’s of a certain…..well, since she’s not a spring…..pretty people need tests. Susan begins detailing her family’s medical history: arthritis on her mom’s side, 2 cousins with webbed feet, a lot of third nipples, a baby’s thumb growing out of her aunt’s forehead, conjoined, cross-eyed twin nephews, and an uncle with a nasty case of Organs-on-the-Outside Syndrome. Mike says that his family is pretty healthy, and human, although his dad has high blood pressure but he’s now able to regulate it with medication. Susan says, “wait, you told me your father was dead!” Mike tries to confuse Susan by telling her that he told her that she was dead and then he fakes an emergency page and leaves. Later that night, Mike comes home and tries to sneak into Susan’s cryotube, but she’s waiting up for him. After some gentle nagging, Mike finally confesses that his father is in prison for murder. Susan says he sounds hot and insists they meet him.

“Damn it, Michael Nerdstrom Delfino! You lied to me!”

Lynette is coming home from the Work Bench with a whole slew of items meant to terminate her garden visitor. One of her kids meets her at the car and begins to beg Lynette not to hurt the little critter that they’ve named Scruffles. Lynette apologizes but says he needs to choose between Mommy’s beautifully tended garden and that mangy, gross beast with teeth and claws. The ginger replies, “Don’t make me choose between your vagina and Susan’s again. It’s unseemly.”

“Can’t you ever just shop at Sam’s Club like a normal mom?”

Danielle is doing what she does best, whining. This time because Bree is making her go back to the convent. Bree tells her that it’s obvious that she is unhappy cooped up in the house and at least the nuns only beat her with rulers. Bree also adds a warning that it may be harder to give up her baby once it’s pooped out than Danielle thinks. Danielle says it’s only made her fat and ruined a year of her life, and there’s only a niche market that wants to bang her now. Bree disagrees and says that Danielle and she are more alike than Danielle thinks, but Danielle refuses to believe there is a glimmer of Bree in her personality. Other than hating Jews. Bree hopes she sees some of herself in Danielle very soon.

Speaking of teenage sluts, Andrew comes in and mentions the Halloween party, at which point Bree asks Andrew how he feels about female pop icons of the 70s? Cher was more than a pop icon of the 70s, Bree! She has weathered time, tragedy and her dykey daughter’s bad haircut in the 90s to go on to have the second, third and fifth best selling farewell tours of all time! Sorry, I get emotional when I talk about Cher.

“Honey there are gonna be times when you feel….not so fresh. Especially after being tag teamed by a group of truckers.”



Meanwhile, Gaby is doing what she does best, being a bitch. She is breaking up with victor over his hotel voicemail when Carlos beeps in. She switches over and says she needs just one more minute before switching back to Victor’s voicemail to say, “so I guess that’s it. We’re broken up. I faked every one. Bye.” Gaby proceeds to Victor’s mansion to retrieve the rest of her teddies and steal some silver to find Milton, Victor’s dad, waiting for her. He heard the message first and, after erasing it, rushed home to tell Gaby that she can’t leave before the Gubernatorial election in thirteen months. To coerce her to stay, Milton offers her a postdated check with a lot of zeroes on it, and I’m assuming at least one other number somewhere. He never learned Mexican but he sure can speak her language.

Gaby definitely knows what to wear to run away from her husband.

The IRS agent informs Edie that “there is no evidence of offshore accounts in Carlos’s name-glavin!” Edie leaves the IRS office, finds Carlos, and furiously starts screaming at him for wisely protecting himself against her eventual betrayal. Hell really hath no fury like a tranny scorned. Carlos accuses Edie of wearing a wire and she says “only the one used to strap my penis down.” Edie drops one of those classic soap lines and tells Carlos that he has no clue with whom he’s dealing and this game is not over. Carlos finally grows a pair and says, “Yes it is, and I won.” I’m fairly certain that’s the last we’ve heard of that.

“You get your ass back here Carlos Martine Gonzales Ramon Julio Batino Del Gato Soles!”

Bree is angrily pruning her hedges when Lynette comes over. Bree asks her about her PET scan, but Lynette dismisses the question for more opossum talk. She says she’s tried poison and traps, but all she’s gotten rid of were a couple of the kids. It’s time to move to the heavy artillery: a B.A.G., also known as a Big Ass Gun. Bree is very excited that Lynette has come around to seeing that Republican views on gun control, gay marriage, and false pregnancies are the true way. Unfortunately the town council no longer allows residents of Wisteria to shoot firearms in their back yard since Bree “accidentally” winged the handyman. She recommends an air rifle. It won’t kill the varmint, but it sure will make him run home screaming to his mammy.

Carlos comes in to find Gaby sipping a glass of wine, cruising the Home Shopping Network and rolling on a bed of crisp one hundred dollar bills. Carlos is confused by Gaby’s call since they had decided not to see each other for six months, but Gaby recommends that they make it thirteen. If she holds out with Victor, she and Carlos will be financially solid and it will help make a conniving politician’s dreams come true. Carlos wonders what it would be called if a woman took money to sleep with a man she doesn’t love.

Katie Holmes?

Gaby says they need to think about their future, since he’s not working and she doesn’t even know how to work. Carlos finally comes clean about the $9.5 million in embezzled money currently buried in a completely safe hole in the Scavos garden. Gaby gets wet and jumps on him, before realizing that if he embezzled the money from Tanaka he had it when they were getting divorced and lied about it. Gaby is angered that he kept this secret from her for all these years and kicks him out.

A little taste of Carlos’ audition tape for Menudo.

Mike and Susan are at the prison’s Take Your Wife to Prison day. Susan starts asking Mike’s dad, Nick, some medical questions; any history of cancer in your family? Diabetes? Who did you kill? Turns out he killed his boss and has irritable bowel syndrome. His victim was a guy that he worked with on the docks. Susan pipes up and says “Oh, I used to work the docks,” before Mike tells her it was a completely different kind of work. The guy, Arnie was his name, made up some lies about Nick and got a promotion out of it. Mike’s dad became enraged and choked Arnie with his own necktie. Shortly afterward Nick went all crampy and pooped like a rhino.

Psst. What did you get for “has your dad ever killed a guy?”

Back on Wisteria Lane, the gay bash is well under way. Bob is dressed as a gay genie and Lee is decked out as a butt-pirate prepared to swab Bob’s poop deck. Adam and Katherine arrive, dressed respectively as Frankenstein and Marie Antoinette, a monster and a self-important queen that lost all of her power. Ironic, no? Bree is dressed as Little Bo Peep and Agent Cooper is possibly Little Jack Horner, or maybe Little Boy Blue, or possibly just a queer. Speaking of queers, Andrew is also in attendance as Cher, and he’s acting very surly since he wanted to come dressed as something butcher. Like Liza. I don’t know what the hell Julie is supposed to be, but judging by her lantern-jaw I’m guessing Batman.

Suddenly, Danielle walks in dressed as Bree, complete with the eyebrow mole and KKK membership card. Julie tries to talk to Danielle but Danielle is committed and stays in character. Bree rushes over and says Danielle can’t stay and will be driving back early in the morning. “To Switzerland?” Julie asks. Bree berates Danielle for her devilishly clever scheme of taking her words and twisting them to use them against her, and insists that her impression is completely wrong. Right then Miss McCluskey comes over , also dressed as Cher but from the “If I Could Turn Back Time” video, and asks Julie who she’s supposed to be. After a couple words McCluskey realizes Danielle is doing a dead-on Bree impression. Meanwhile Andrew is in the corner still trying to perfect his Cher. “If I could turn back TOME!”

That genie’s gotta little captain in him.

Across the street, Lynette is perched in a tree with her official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time, when Tom wanders in her range. He tries to tell her that she’s going overboard with this obsession about the opossum, at which point Lynette’s subtext rapidly becomes text. She says that this thing has crept into her home and she is going to beat it and not let it destroy her. Tom realizes Lynette is anthropomorphizing the opossum as cancer incarnate, and lets her do what she has to do while he goes back to party with the gays and Andrew.

They warned her that she’d shoot her eye out.

Danielle is entertaining a crowd with her best Bree impersonation, (“two in the front seat, two in the back and 40 in the ashtray!”) when Bree finally drags her off and tells her sternly to go home. Danielle tries to argue but suddenly her water breaks. The Van Death Kamps all rush out of the house and back to their compound. Danielle says there isn’t time to make it to the hospital. The baby is coming right now.

They all rush inside and Agent Cooper says not to worry since he is a doctor and if there are complistations they can called an amberlance. Bree realizes that Agent Cooper had tee many martoonies at the party so she rushes back to retrieve Adam. As she walks him across the street, she makes him promise that what she is about to reveal must stay within the confines of doctor-patient confidentiality. He asks if this has anything to do with the pregnancy she’s been faking.

This is going to be that baby’s uncle/big brother/aunt/big sister.

Adam and Bree walk in to find Danielle on the kitchen table grunting and groaning. Chicks, man. We let ‘em drive, we let ‘em vote and they can’t even do this without bitchin’. Lynette’s kids come trick or treating even though they’re just bound to get more of those Nazi Youth pamphlets like every year prior. When no one answers the door, the kids decide to pull a prank. As they wire the bomb around the back of the house, they stop to peak in the window to see Frankenstein’s monster holding a slimy, newborn, screaming fetus. The kids all scream and run away.

This childbirth is both unnatural and unholy.

Gaby calls Susan to leave a message saying she needs to go away and be alone for a while since she’s going through some stuff and just needs to think. Poor, hot, model has two hot men willing to give her millions of dollars, and her diamond shoes are too tight. Gaby hears a car horn and exits her house with a tiny Gucci bag containing all of her worldly possessions. When she gets in the car, Victor is waiting for her. He returned home to find all of her things gone and came to offer to do anything to keep her, including that one thing he said he would never ever do, AND she can even videotape it.

Gaby tells him that she knows that he only wants her around to be by his side as he runs for Governor, but Victor says he won’t run if that will make her happy and shut her up for once. He tells Gaby that the Governor’s mansion is his father’s dream, Gaby is his dream, and being a rich vapid bitch able to be the envy of her friends is Gaby’s dream.

Danielle is in bed when Bree comes in with the new baby swaddled in a blankie. Bree offers to let Danielle hold him and when she takes the baby, Danielle immediately starts crying. She comments on how tiny he is, obviously not familiar with the physical characteristics of babies. Bree says he looks just like she did, including the teeny weeny, before they chose to raise Danielle as a girl. Bree asks if she should leave Danielle and the baby alone, but Danielle says that Bree should take him because it’s the right thing to do for everyone, especially the baby. Danielle tells Bree that she was right. It’s an awful feeling to give up a baby, especially a healthy white one.

“Good thing I pooped that baby out when I did. I only have about 2 days left to squeeze in one more Barely Legal movie.”

Susan and Mike walk into their cheap hotel room with Susan saying how she doesn’t understand how his dad showed no remorse for murdering someone. In Mike’s dad’s defense, Arnie was probably a douche and had it coming. Mike reminds Susan that he once killed someone, but Susan reminds Mike that that was self-defense. Susan waits until Mike falls asleep under this month’s copy of Popular Plumbing and sneaks back to the prison to visit Mike’s dad.

She goes to tell him that she doesn’t believe that he could kill a man and not regret it. She’s carrying a baby with his genes and if her baby were born without a conscience or soul, then she doesn’t know what she would do, other than raise him to be president. Nick tells Susan that he won’t let himself think about it so he doesn’t go crazy. His only regret is what happened to Mike, how having a murderer for a dad ruined his life. He went from being a popular kid; President of the Future Plumbers of America society, voted Blandest Senior, dating the head octogenarian librarian, to being judged by everyone in the town. Nick’s not sure if that kind of darkness ever really goes away. Susan says Mike is happy now. He has a loving wife and an…….interesting-looking daughter, but Nick tells her that he was happy too before he killed a man. Nick warns Susan to keep an eye out.

“Come on! Jackie Brown? Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle? That one episode of Murder, She Wrote? You have to know me!”

Edie comes to Victor’s house dressed like Alexis Carrington on a bender. Victor tells her that Gaby just left to go for a swim in the vault but should be back soon. Edie gives Victor the pictures of Carlos and Gaby kissing. She apologizes for hurting him in such a way but felt he had a right to know. She says that Carlos was so angry with him for taking his wife that he decided to make a fool out of him. He should suffer shouldn’t he?

“That may very well be but as of close of business today I own 51% of Wisteria Incorporated, which means I’m your boss.”

Lynette is asleep on the couch after being slipped a mickey by her mother when her oncologist anachronistically comes by to tell her that she has a clean bill of health. Lynette wakes up and stands in shock as Tom goes to get the kids out of their cage to tell them the good news while Stella decides to drink to celebrate. Lynette wanders off to the back yard and looks up at the sky and then looks down and sees the opossum, dead from poison. Lynette sinks to the grass and begins to cry, apologizing to the dead animal for taking out her cancer-hate on it. She recovers quickly and decides to make the kids a fresh pot of stew.

“I’m all right, nobody worry ’bout me.”

Mary Alice Ghostly tells us that there is much to be afraid of in this world. Gruesome masks or certain actresses in high definition can’t actually hurt us, but the thoughts in our head can. What if Danielle realizes that babies don’t cost money, they make money. Especially those little white ones. What if Mike really is unhappy and realizes the nightmare he’s living in after his lasik eye surgery? “How do we conquer these thoughts?” Mary Alice Ghostly asks. What does not kill us makes us stronger. Also leaving a comment or two doesn’t hurt.