Desperate Housewives: Go Away Kid, Ya Bug Me

Bugs. We’ve all had ‘em. We’ve all dealt with ‘em. We’ve all shaved our privates in a miserable attempt to get rid of ‘em. This week on Desperate Housewives, each of our lovely ladies has to deal with a pest of their own, and in some cases they are the pest. Who is pestered and who is annoying? Well the latter is obviously Susan, but find out the rest after the jump.

Despite what you’ve heard, shaving will not get ride of crabs. True story.

We open this week with Katherine’s aunt Lily finally being brought home from the hospital, away from all those old slags and constant death, back to the comfort of Wisteria Lane. Ironic, no? As she’s wheeled in the house, Mary Alice tells us that Lily has begun to think about regrets in her life, including the horrible secret that she and Katherine have kept from Dylan all these years, as well as that night with Al Joelson and a fifth of J.D. at Fatty Arbuckle’s house.

When Lily is settled into the Super Secret Forbidden Room, she and Katherine share a pleasant conversation about what it’s like to die, which is surprisingly a lot like season 2, before Lillian tells Katherine that she fears she won’t get into heaven due to the horrible things they did to Dylan. Lillian insists that they come clean, but Katherine does one of her trademark personality shifts and grits a stern “absolutely not,” before getting up to leave. Mary Alice tells us that Lillian realizes that death cannot come quickly enough, and luckily Katherine agrees.

“Why Grandma, what big plot holes you have.”

Next up we see a strikingly handsome new stud cake named Bob Hunter, crinkling his nose and looking at the city with disdain. Mary Alice Ghostly tells us that the thing he hates most about the city are the pests: the rats, the flies, the jerks that ask you for an “extra cigarette” on the street. There’s no such thing as an “extra cigarette” unless Philip Morris accidentally puts 21 in a pack. Anyway, Bob is fed up with the crime and fakeness of the city so he has decided to move to Wisteria Lane. Ironic, no? Bob informs his significant other of his decision and we see his life partner is a man. That’s crazy. A man can’t have another man as a life partner unless he’s……OMG a gay couple! Oh glorious light from heaven, we finally have a gay couple on Wisteria Lane! YES! Edie’s gonna be pissed and demand a measuring contest.

“WOW! There is no way Edie can beat that!”

The happy couple, Neil and Bob, I mean Lee and Bob are moving in their antique tea cups and Christina Aguilera albums when Susan bounces over to introduce herself. She chats with the couple for several minutes before realizing that they are actually real-life, stark-raving, three-dimensional homogays just like she’s seen on cable. Susan rebounds from the awkward realization quickly, telling them that she’s totally cool with the homogays. Her own husband is probably one. Bob mentions that they moved to the suburbs since it would be better for Raphael, their oddly not-small dog. Susan continues to stumble and put her liver spotted feet in her mouth about gays not being allowed to adopt, how much she loves The Golden Girls and how many Liberace albums she owns, until she finally says goodbye. The gays roll their eyes, since that’s what we do.

Across the way, a delivery has arrived for Bree and the scary Van Death Camp clan. Rex’s mother sent Danielle a motorized scooter in a feeble attempt buy her affection, which wouldn’t work unless there was a black dildo strapped to the seat. Andrew begs to have it, despite the lack of phallic accessories, but Bree won’t allow it. She has strong feelings about two-wheeled motorized death traps that go all of 7 miles an hour, so she decides to donate it to the church for the annual raffle. Since she turned her back on God when she killed her pharmacist and then faked a pregnancy, it’s the least she could do.

“I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.”

Lynette is on an extended break from chemo and feeling like her old self again, stick up her ass and all. She decided to take advantage of feeling good and jumps on Tom for a good old fashioned roll in the parochial hay. As Tom and Lynette begin to screw around missionary style, Lynette’s wig accidentally comes off revealing her freshly waxed dome. Lynette throws caution to the wind and wants to keep on rockin’ the boat without it, but Tom has trouble making love to a woman that looks like one of those kids on a Ronald McDonald House commercial. He makes up an excuse about being tired and leaves Lynette to go for a ride on her scooter alone.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me that my eyes are so far apart?!”

The crew approaches Bree later to beg her to allow them to throw her a baby shower, complete with horse de oeuvres for Agent Cooper, baby games for her and the ladies, and a male stripper for Andrew. Bree politely declines saying that it’s in poor taste to have a baby shower for a second child, however she’s really just fearful that everyone will try to touch her stomach and feel the goose down padding. As they chat, Agent Cooper races up and down the street professionally testing the scooter for accuracy and speed. When he finally crashes into garbage cans and Bree rushes to his side, bitchy little Andrew approaches the ladies to help them plan a surprise shower for his mother. He never passes up an opportunity to make his mother squirm or a chance to slip a George Washington down a black guy’s underpants.

Susan returns home and warms up a fresh batch of store bought cookie bars to take to the new gaybors in an attempt to make them like her, since it’s obvious that neither of them, nor more than half of America, do. She’s going to pass off the warmed over baked sweets as her own so the gays will think she’s not only polite, but able to read. Lee, the obvious woman in the relationship, answers the door to accept her thoughtful gift. He thanks Susan for her generosity and asks if there are nuts in the cookies, since the gay guy’s highly allergic to nuts. Ironic, no? Susan crumples one and looks through it, saying it doesn’t look like there are any nuts. When he questions how she doesn’t know if there are nuts or not in her own cookies, she finally comes clean. Lee is even more of a bitch than Andrew and tells Susan how deceptive and rude it was to try and pass off store bought cookies as her own before slamming the door in her face. “I said good day sir!”

“Can you make sure my Grandma gets these? Oh and if you see a little red cape around here, it’s mine.”

Lynette and Gaby are at Bertha’s Ye Olde House of Wiggery for her weekly tune up, when the clerk tells Lynette that it will take about a week to repair the rip in her wig. Lynette confesses to Gaby that she’s not so upset about going a week looking like a pocket picking gypsy in the headscarf, but she knows Tom doesn’t want to bang her when she looks like Lex Luther. Gaby plays sex therapist and tells Lynette that she needs to open up her eyes and realize that men are visual beings and need something to look at other than their own reflection in your scalp. Gaby convinces Lynette to invest in a new, completely different colored wig so she can role play with Tom, including a boy’s wig incase the new neighbors bring Tom over to their side to earn their toaster.

The Big Bad Gay Bob Wolf may just bring Tom over to his side, like he did with this 80′s inspired bad boy behind him.

It seems that Mark Cherry finally received my letters, since at Edie’s weekly visit to her gynecologist for her regular tune up and oil change, she is informed that she finally got hit with the bullet she’s dodged all these years. The clap? The herp? The syph? The pelvic organ prolapse? The testicular cancer? Did her clit and her penis finally engage in an all out battle to the death, weiner take all mano y clito? No, it’s that old bugaboo, crabs.

Edie proceeds home and informs Carlos that they need to boil the sheets, wash with pubicide and comb the nits out of their genitalia. “Is it Wednesday already?” Edie claims that she contracted the crotch carnival by using a tanning bed after Mimzy Porter. Mimzy is a British euphemism for vagina, so I think the writers were making a cute inside joke. Unfortunately the writers of the children’s movie The Last Mimzy obviously weren’t aware, causing a difficult time with international ticket sales. Anyway, Edie comments that it’s a good thing that she and Carlos are in a committed relationship so they don’t have to make that awkward call to any other men, women or professional football team representatives. Of course Carlos then realizes that he is going to have to tell Gaby.

“You’re doing just fine, Ms. Britt. You’re dilated about 8 centimeters so it should be any minute now. What? You’re not in labor? You mean it always looks like that?”

Gaby is dutifully standing by Victor at a fundraiser wearing a sombrero, fake mustache and a poncho (gotta get those Latino voters) when Carlos arrives. He informs Gaby of their predicament and she says “ew” like a real girly girl. Like she’s never had an STD before. She was a model for God sake. Gaby and Carlos decide that she needs to commit pubicide before she passes the crab monsters along to Victor, right before we see Victor digging into his crotch like there’s a diamond under his nuts. Gaby and Carlos then realize they are screwed.

About time a politician suffers for screwing over the minorities.

Back at the Scavo’s, Tom is pouring over his fantasy football spreadsheet, in an attempt to once again prove that he has left his Melrose gay days behind him. Lynette strides in wearing a negligee and a flowing red wig saying she has a different kind of fantasy in mind. She introduces herself as Brandy, the slutty cheerleader, and Tom bounds on top of her like there’s a nude picture of Ashton Kutcher in her cooch.

Gaby plans a romantic evening with Victor complete with candles, a nurse’s costume, pubicide and a steel tined nit brush. Victor lies in bed as Gaby strides in offering to give him a sexy rubdown to relive his stress. She rubs the mediciney smelling ointment seductively over his entire body telling him that’s it’s a unique aromatherapy blend with anis and fennel designed to relieve tension. She then pulls out the metal spiked comb needed to remove the dead crabs and eggs from his nads, and all the tension rushes back in as he screams. Gaby, always the quick thinker, tells him not to question her techniques and just go with the flow. I can tell you from experience that getting rid of crabs is never that sexy.

“You’re gonna feel a light pinch, then a little tug, then intense pain, then horrifying burning, then you’re just gonna wish you were dead.”

Susan is still determined to make the gays love her, obviously confusing herself with Bette Midler again, as she talks to her gay uncle for advice on what the gays like. “OK, now would I actually have to put the whole thing in there? What if I lose my watch?” Julie comes in with Raphael, the oddly un-small dog, telling her mom that she found him wandering the street but the gays weren’t home when she tried to take him back. Susan hatches a brilliant scheme to hold the dog prisoner until she can look like a hero when she finds him later and brings him back to the loving, well defined arms of his gay dads. There’s no way this plan could possibly go wrong.

Bree and Agent Dale Cooper return from another day of shopping to find a surprise baby shower, orchestrated by Andrew and his fag hags. Andrew has devised a whole day of uncomfortable surprises for his mother, including a visit from her dead husband’s mother, Phyllis, played by Shirley Knight of As Good As It Gets fame. Phyllis tells Bree that she thinks Bree may be carrying twins since her face is so plump. You carrying quintuplets, Shirley?

“Wait, why am I serving at my own baby shower? I’m supposed to be pregnant, allegedly!”

Across the street, Dylan is home studying. Perhaps she was invited to the shower and just forgot since she seems to have a problem with that. Great Aunt Lily rings her little silver bell for service and Dylan goes running. Dylan goes to her room and Lilly tries to tell her the truth about her father, her memory loss and the history of the Super Secret Forbidden Room. Before she can share any information, Katherine comes home looking for her checkbook and Dr. Kevorkian’s number. She asks Dylan to go take a look for her and takes a brief moment to put the fear of God into the dying old hag in her deathbed. She takes Lilly’s little bell and tells her that she really should get some rest. A long, peaceful dirt nap would do her good.

Tom joins the shower and finds Lynette back in her boring old blonde wig. He recommends that they put the kids in their cage early tonight and whip out Brandy for a good old fashioned game of hide the beef stick. Unfortunately Penny, Lynette’s half daughter that we all forget exists, tried to play beauty shop and destroyed the Brandy wig. Penny was pretending to be Queen Latifah and used the wig to beat her personal trainer/lesbian life partner when she stepped out of line. Tom mentions how Brandy would get very upset about that, and Lynette realizes that Tom is more turned on by this Brandy skank than he is by his own wife.

Susan sees Lee combing the neighborhood looking for his surprisingly large dog, and she rushes to his side to assist him therefore putting Operation Doggy Style Neighbors in motion.

“This is the best idea I’ve had since getting my eyes done.”

Back at the party, Phyllis comments to Bree that she noticed how all the pictures of Rex have been removed from the house. Bree tells her that she only tried to make Agent Dale Cooper feel comfortable in his new home, so removing pictures of her dead husband and performing the occasional Hot Carl are the least she can do as a good host. Phyllis says that it’s wonderful that she’s trying to at least get things right the second time around, but it must be hard for the children to have their dead dad banished from their home. Before she and Bree can get into too much of a cat fight (ruff!), Phyllis asks where Danielle is. Bree keeps up the story she has told everyone and informs Phyllis that Danielle is in boarding school in Switzerland, and is most certainly not pregnant there. Phyllis is outraged that she was not informed which continent her granddaughter was on, but Bree tries to leave without engaging in a fight. Phyllis pushes the issue and Bree confesses that it’s obvious that she and Phyllis never got along, even when Rex was alive, so there is no reason to pretend that they don’t hate each other with the fiery passion of a thousand volcanoes now.

Phyllis finally realizes that coming to the party and attempting to win over Bree’s icey affection with her mother’s sable coat years prior was a mistake, so she chooses to take the coat and leave before they say anything they will truly regret. “You’ve gotten fat.” “You’re lemon meringue pie is bland!” Before leaving Phyllis asks Andrew where Bree keeps the sable coat and Andrew dismissively tells her that it’s probably in the closet, and Phyllis walks upstairs to retrieve it. Bree sees Phyllis fatly walking up the stairs and asks Andrew where she is going. When Andrew tells her, Bree drops her plate and rushes up after her. Andrew realizes that he may have made a huge mistake, other than sleeping with his Boy Scout leader. Bree rushes into her bedroom and Phyllis is standing there with the array of various-sized fake baby bellies that Bree has used throughout her “pregnancy.”

“Screw this! I’m gonna take my bra and leave!”

Bree has no choice but to come clean with all of the details, and her reasons behind them. Phyllis says that she hopes the Swiss doctors will know how to care for Danielle, and Bree informs Phyllis that that part was also a lie. Danielle is actually at the Sisters of Hope Convent and Home for Wayward and Slutty Girls. Phyllis is able to overlook all of the deception due to being so overjoyed that she is becoming a Great Grandmother. Bree tells her that since the baby is going to be raised as if it were hers, it would look odd if Phyllis were always hanging around and doting on the child to whom she is not related.

Phyllis threatens to tell everyone the truth if Bree tries to keep the child away from her, but Bree pleads with Phyllis to consider Danielle’s reputation. Not that of Junior High Skank, but of a young girl from an affluent family and how the shame of an unwanted pregnancy would drive them out of the community. Phyllis brings Bree’s parenting into question, but Bree doesn’t argue saying that this child is going to be her second chance to be a good mother and get it right this time around. Phyllis won’t allow that and strides back downstairs to the party.

She enters the middle of the party and, taking a line from Jerry Blank, screams “I got something to SAY!” When everyone turns their attention to her, Bree waits with tearful eyes and fear. All attention is on Phyllis, until she surprises Bree by changing her mind and thanks everyone for a lovely time. Bree thanks Phyllis silently for the gift and Phyllis tells her that she isn’t the only one that wants a second chance before exiting.

“If Mike sees me like this, without my make up, I’ll be the laughing stock of Wisteria Lane!” exclaimed Susan.

Meanwhile, Susan is still assisting Lee with the search of big dog, Raphael. Lee is in a gay tizzy since Raphael is new to the neighborhood and doesn’t know his way around, where to find quality biscottis or the location of the nearest bear bar. Susan assures Lee that they will find the cute, oddly large guy before leaving to get them some water to fuel their continued search. Bob, the top comes home and questions Lee about Raphael’s whereabouts, but Lee, the bottom, assures Bob that that kindly old lady Susan is helping to find him.

Just about then, Mike comes home from a long day of pornographically coming up with double entendres to use on his plumbing clients. “Need me to check your pipes, Ma’am? Looks like you need a bigger tool for that job.” Mike opens the garage door where Susan has been holding Raphael prisoner, and the non-tiny dog bounds out of the prison, covered in paint. He rushes home to his daddies and jumps on Bob, who is wearing his brand new suit, covering Bob in yellow paint and dog hair. Gay Bob is not pleased.

He may be pissed now, but I guarantee that if he wears that suit one day, everyone will want one. That’s the power of the gays.

Carlos and Gaby are chatting quietly at Bree’s shower about her deceptive napalming of Victor’s crotch rot, when Edie wanders next to Victor who is camped out at the alcohol. She comments on the oddly familiar smell of his cologne and he tells her that Gaby got it for him. Victor wanders away as a server offers her a delightful crab cake. Ironic, no? As Edie nibbles on the shellfish she watches the waiter proceed to Carlos and also offer him a crab cake, before moving on to Gaby and finally giving one to Victor as well. The wheels are turning in Edie’s angular, man-like head as she tries to put together what she’s seeing. “First I got the crab cake, then Carlos got the crab cake, then the crab cake was passed on to Gaby and finally Victor ended up with the crab cake. Oh my god! There’s no cake at this party! No, wait. Crabs plus passing things on plus that smell on Victor equals…..” Even though Edie sucks at math, she knows infidelity when she sees it, since she practically invented it. It looks like the jig (pronounced heeg) is up between Carlos and Gaby, but Edie is going to have a little fun first.

You do NOT want a pissed off tranny with crabs on your bad side. Trust me.

At the end of the night, Lynette is getting ready for bed in her sexiest flannel nightgown and knee socks, when Tom comes in with a new wig. He tells her to say goodbye to Brandy and say hello to her even sluttier sister, Candy. She’ll let you do anything you want to her, AND you can videotape it. As we all know, Lynette don’t take no crap, so she calls out Tom for having to live in a fantasy world in order to have sex with his wife. Tom admits that it’s true, he did enjoy the fantasy, but only because he could pretend that his wife wasn’t sick as he pooped on her chest and tied her to the radiator. Lynette’s cancer has been a real turn off and it was a pleasure to escape that for a while with a new, slutty cheerleader, since Danielle was out of town. He tells Lynette that she never stopped to think about how he was dealing with her illness and she suddenly realizes that she had been a selfish cancer-bitch. Tom and Lynette make up and she offers to don the wig for his fantasy, but Tom chooses to simply let them be themselves and see what happens as he slides on his zipper mask and fur-lined thong.

Seriously, which would you rather do?

Mike comes home from trying to persuade the gays not to sue for big dog-napping, to inform Susan that despite his best efforts they still have to buy Bob a new Dolce suit. He settles into his chair with a new hemorrhoid pillow as Susan tells him that it’s crazy that they have to buy Bob a new suit and it’s even crazier that they don’t like her. Mike storms off to bed angry and tells Susan that he can’t afford for her to try and apologize anymore.

She later tries to win over the gays by sharing some patented Susan Meyer makeup tips.

Next we see Danielle lying in bed wearing a stunning wonder bread bad, when Phyllis comes in to break her out of the sexless prison to which she had been confined by her evil mother. It looks as though Phyllis didn’t have a change of heart after all, just a new evil plan.

Lilly is also lying in her bed while wearing the latest in deathbed chic, moaning and clutching her pillow as Katherine walks by. Katherine hears her aunt crying in pain and her heart grows three sizes that moment as she can’t take the pitiful whimpering of her aunt in pain anymore, so she thoughtfully closes the door. When Katherine is walking downstairs, Dylan approaches her mother about what Aunt Lilly tried to tell her earlier in the day. Katherine tells Dylan that Lilly is fading fast and making less sense than a retarded son chained up in the basement. A loud thud is heard from upstairs and Dylan asks if that was aunt Lilly, but Katherine tells her it can’t be since she just checked on Lilly and she was peacefully sleeping.

As Dylan practices her Cello for her upcoming recital, Aunt Lilly furiously scribbles down her confession on a scrap of paper in her bedroom before fading away. Her hand goes limp and the crumpled paper drops to floor and rolls under the bed, never to be seen again. Well thank God that’s over and we’ll never hear of this piece of paper again. Katherine will definitely clean the room soon, right?

“No, I won’t go in that house! Horrible things happen in that house! Season 2 took place in that house!”

What did you think? Will this piece of paper be a major plot point? How will Edie screw with Carlos and Gaby? When will Andrew seduce Bob and/or Lee? TV Guide told me that there are about 170 hours until the next Desperate Housewives, so take that time to tell us what you thought.