Got Milk?

Welcome to TVgasm’s weekly chronicling of the descent of Desperate Housewives into mediocrity. This episode marks a new chapter in the shows steady decline in quality. Gone are the only interesting things about the show, its dark edge and ominous undercurrents are now replaced with out and out buffoonery.

I know I’m kind of harsh on this show. You need to understand however, that it is on against Family Guy and the Soprano’s, the two greatest shows on TV. So when I am forced to watch Eva Longoria’s bad teeth instead of Tony Soprano, it gets my dander up. And no one is happy when EdHill’s dander is up. Still this show did have its high points, not least of which is an episode of borderline child molestation. Wait did I say high points? I mean creepy points. Very, very creepy points. The show opens with vignettes of Gabrielle’s high class shopping tendencies. Shoes from Milan, dresses from 5th avenue. But now there shopping has taken them into a new direction. Now they are in the market for a black market baby. Gabrielle goes to answer the door and what she sees before her is a woman so horrifically and buffoonishly ugly that I almost hurt my eyes they are rolling to the back of my head so fast. The show has now literally become a cartoon. And not the fun kind of cartoon like Sectaurs or Thundercats. The bad kind like Disney’s Gummi Bears or Foofur.

The point of this of course is to showcase Gabrielle’s shallowness about looks. So during the sales pitch for the baby, Gaby tells Carlos in private that she doesn’t want to have their baby because she is so ugly. Carlos at first refuses, but then the writers up the ante by making the cartoonishly ugly woman start to sloppily eat guacamole, licking her lips and having it slobber all over her. This even sends Carlos over the line and instead of beating her to a pulp, which is his natural instinct, they just send her packing.

You gotta be kidding me

At the black market baby adoption agency Gabrielle is upset with their “broker” since every girl he is showing them has been beat with the ugly stick. Before they leave the broker does tell them he has invited one more woman to stop by named Libby. She may not be the best person in the world, but she is at least pretty. This is of course all Gaby needs to hear.

Libby naturally is a stripper. And now that money is tight since she can’t strip she needs to make some easy cash by selling her baby. When Gaby asks her who the father is she says she doesn’t even know because a lot of times when guys come into the club she ends up getting a little bit more friendly then she intends to. “Friendly” in stripper parlance meaning unprotected sex with strangers. Whereas with me it means saying hello to a girl in a bar. Tomato-tomahto.

Despite the fact that the woman is a slut and the baby will most likely be born with a particularly virulent strain of gonorrhea, they are still all for it. Libby starts to ask about how much money she will be getting. Her friend did the same thing and got a Harley! Carlos simply says that they will find “some way” to express their gratitude. Libby spots their rich jewelry and simply says “OK”. When she asks about their last name Carlos mentions that they are Mexican and proud of it. Except maybe Gaby, who hates dirty Mexican bike cops. This causes Libby to pause since she thought they were Italian. There is no bigger tragedy in this world than a racist stripper. It hurts us all.

The next step is fairly predictable. The lawyer calls and tells them that Libby rejected the Solis because they are Mexican. This gets Gaby’s nuts in a twist. How DARE they discriminate against them for their heritage! Criminal history, lack of morals and bad acting yes, but not just because they are Mexican! Gaby then decides to go and confront Libby at the strip club and assure her that they are Mexican yes, but rich Mexicans, which makes it “OK”.

At the strip club Libby is mentoring a younger stripper on the fine art of pole dancing. Of course the strippers are portrayed as ditzes, which is even more lazy writing. Some of them are really nice girls. I remember one, Paula, she was a nursing student at UCONN. She had big… dreams. They are people too dammit!

Gaby comes in and daintily puts down a handkerchief on the bar stool before she sits down. Apparently she must have forgotten that she was having sex in the prisons conjugal rooms just a year ago without so much as a peep. God knows what kind of crusted over fun was in that place. But in soap operas, there are short memories.

Libby’s defense is she wants to be able to get more money and “middle class” Mexicans aren’t as well of as rich whites. Gaby then convinces her by giving her a diamond necklace right of her neck. This is all it takes for Libby and she agrees. As Gaby is walking out she has a revelation and asks Libby if she really cared about them being Mexican. No, she says. She just knew that if she held out she would get more money.

Later we see Libby wiping tables and a man comes up and asks how his “two girls are” while rubbing her belly. So it looks like Libby is running quite the scam. I am starting to think this woman’s baby would make a fantastic Solis.

In Susan Land we see her in a wheel chair in her hospital room getting ready to be released. Her crazy wacky spleen has finally been removed. It caused a bit of a stir in the operating room as it slipped out of the surgeon’s hands and caused everyone to trip on it while holding cocoanut cream pies thus starting an inadvertent, yet incredibly madcap, pie fight.

Dr. Ron comes in and confronts Susan on what she said in the operating room when she was going under. She said she loved Mike. Ron wants to know who Mike is. Susan at first denies she even knows a Mike, then Susan says she knew one years ago in college and he buys it. Ron then asks about her “husband”. Susan fesses up about her committing insurance fraud. Now that Ron is a part of this criminal conspiracy, he forgives her and gives her a big kiss. She even invites Ron over to dinner to meet Karl himself to make sure. Isn’t it lovely how Susan has now implicated 3 people in her crime? Did I mention she’s supposed to be a children’s author on the show? I’m guessing some of her book titles are See Spot Steal and Cars and Trucks and Things That Commit Fraud. But I shouldn’t be too hard on her. I heard Mercer Meyer did 5-10 for heroin possession.

Later Susan has Gaby and Bree over for some chit chat. They are interrupted by Karl who calls her “Suzy baby” and wheels her into the kitchen for a personal chat. This gets Gaby and Bree talking since they both thought they hated each other, what with the whole Karl leaving her for a young dumb blonde, then moving onto a much, much older dumb blonde that happened to be her neighbor and nemesis. IT seems that Karl is still secretly having feelings for his woefully underweight ex wife, so when she asks him to have dinner with Dr. Ron and her it can only lead to yet another crazy misunderstanding.

At dinner, Karl is sharing crazy stories from her and Susan’s past. Karl goes to clear off the plates and move into the kitchen. He spots Mike coming home across the street in his super rugged pickup truck. Since he still holds feelings for Susan Karl concocts a crazy plan and breaks the pipes under the sink, knowing that mike is a plumber/Marlboro Man. When Ron comes in and sees everything, Karl tells him to go across the street to see Delfino and ask for his help.

When Ron explains the situation to Mike, whose biceps are raging, he says he can call him Mike, and mentions that he and Susan used to date. Unbeknownst to both of them Susan found out what was going on and proceeds to race across the street to stop Ron before he gets there. And since she is in a wheel chair, it leads to yet another forced wacky Susan crazy pratfilled bit with the wheel chair. God those are always priceless aren’t they? She truly is a comic genius that Terri Hatcher. We should name a post office after her or something. I was expecting them to pull one of those “my brakes are out” while she careens down a hill slamming into all sorts of stuff, but alas I was left wanting more.

Gee, I never saw that coming…

Ron gets mad at Susan, yells at her in the street, then Susan falls down, yada yada, crazy mixup, Mike and Ron almost fight. Did I tell you the Sopranos is on at the same time as this nonsense? I would actually watch Tommy Hilfiger’s The Cut over this pabulum.

The next day Mike comes over to apologize to Susan and borrow some cocoa butter for his rock hard abs. Susan tries to explain to mike what happened between her and Ron, but she hesitates because of the whole “I love mike” thing. Then Ron calls and mike leaves. Even more unrequited love. And we see a haunting image of Mike slathering on the cocoa butter over his rippling chest, with a single tear streaming down his cheek.

When we see Lynette she is interviewing a woman for a job at their crappy ad agency. The woman’s name is Veronica, and from the size of her bazoomba’s, I’m guessing they have names as well. When she sees Veronica wolfing down donuts Lynette asks her how she keeps he self so thin. It’s the breast feeding Veronica tells her. It’s better than working out. This gives Lynette an idea and when she shows her their day care center its all Veronica needs to jump ship and join the team. Too bad she wasn’t interviewing a few weeks ago when Lynette was forced to eat a pound of raw bacon in front of everyone.

Things don’t go so well alter when Lynette sees Veronica with her child in the day care center. Her kid you see, is 5 years old. And the image of seeing a five year old suck on that big old funbag is disturbing to say the least.

During a meeting for yet another lame advertising campaign, Veronica’s kid comes in saying he’s thirsty. OK, Ick. Gross. She takes him out and unleashes the hosebags for his pleasure. After she leaves the rest of the partners are all up in arms about her disgusting habit. They say someone needs to talk to her about it. They all of course nominate Lynette. Unfortunately things don’t go well because when she tries to say something Veronica wont have it and threaten to sick her lawyers on them if they continue to question her. Then she goes into the other room sticks a banana in her cooter and tells her kid its time for lunch.

The next day Veronicas kid walks into Lynette’s office saying “Where’s my mom? I’m thirsty!” Yeah, that’s still gross. Lynette says her mom is bus right now so hell have to wait. Lynette is also conveniently drinking chocolate milk, so when he asks about it, Lynette comes up with a plan and gives the kid her milk to try and get him off the milk bags. So Lynette just happened to be drinking chocolate milk? A grown woman? I haven’t had chocolate milk since I was 12 but Lynette just happens to be drinking it? I mean I understand that older woman need strong bones and all but this show sets a record for convenient coincidences in order to move the plot forward. So I would officially like to say to Scott Sanford Tobis, the writer of this week’s episode: You suck. A pox upon your house. A pox I say.

When Lynette runs into Veronica later she is crying. It seems that her kid is no longer interesting in suckling on her moonbeams. But veronica is not so much upset about that as she is about the fact that this means she will now get fat. Breast feeding is the new exercise plan. I tried my friends wife’s breast pump fro 4 days now and I honestly think I can start to see a difference. Girls think bleeding nipples are sexy right?

Bree meanwhile is going through the motions of attending her AA meetings, even though she still denies she has a problem. So while we listen to one man talk about his “rock bottom” Bree is busily working on her needlepoint. Kind of like a Lite Brite, only with needles and thread. After wards her AA mentor asks her how long it’s been since her last drink. She says she doesn’t really remember which gets him suspicious. Bree then admits that she isn’t really an alcoholic; she’s just doing this for appearances. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt Bree.

The next day Bree brings some sandwiches up to Andrew and his lawyer. After she leaves his lawyer says that the case is not a slam dunk, what with the AA meetings and all. He says that Andrew doesn’t want to see the inside of a courtroom, because appearance means everything there, and Bree is all about presentation.

Later we see Bree and some weird bar/department store thingy, which is news to me. She spots Andrew and his boyfriend shopping there as well. Bree confronts him saying that he is supposed to be grounded. Then she sees that he stole her credit card. She demands that Andrew go home right now. Andrew then brings out his big guns. He says if he doesn’t get to do what he wants, he will tell the judge that Bree molested him when he was a child. After Andrew smugly walks off, Bree then goes back to what she does best. Drinking. This of course leads to quite an embarrassing situation as she wakes up in the middle of the night in a dressing room. I guess the department stores with liquor don’t check their dressing rooms before they close up shop. That’s good to know.

Bree frantically tries tog et herself out but the door is now gated closed. She tries to wedge in-between them but gets stuck. I guess the Susan stuff is now bleeding over into other areas of the show. With no one to turn to Bree then calls her AA sponsor. He gets her out of the jam and in his car she explains what happened with Andrew. She them says No wonder I drink”. Admitting you have a problem. The healing can now begin.

When we leave Bree we see her putting all her wine bottles in a box for goodwill. Because if there’s one thing homeless people need more than clothes, its free liquor. Although some of them might find Bree’s choice of Pinot Noir to be a little too fruity for them. Homeless alcoholics usually like the nuttiness and tannins of a nice Merlot.

And finally we come upon the plot that no one cares about. The Applewhites are back after a nice week off. Matthew walks into the living room and asks his mom for 50 bucks. Mrs. Applewhite says yes without thinking. What kind of mother gives her able job available 18 year old son 50 bucks so easily? Oh wait, this is the one who also has the retarded son in shackles in the basement. Never mind.

When Betty asks why he needs the money, he says its so he can get Danielle something nice. Betty then refuses to give him anything. Matthew then starts arguing with her. He has no other money because she won’t let him get a job since he has to take care of Caleb. Matthew says its time for them to get Caleb some professional help. Then they could get their lives back. Notwithstanding the whole dumping of the dead body in the car and being fugitives from justice because of Caleb’s past murder. Other than that, they can totally get their lives back. While they are arguing Caleb walks in on them. Betty just explains to him that its Danielle’s birthday and they were talking about what Matthew was going to get her.

This of course leads to nothing but trouble when later as we see Danielle coming home after a nigh with her friends she sees Caleb has snuck into her room to give her a birthday present. Danielle freaks out and starts yelling at him to leave even calling him a freak. This of course is all reminiscent of the last time this happened to Caleb when he responded by beating the girl to death. Caleb does leave but its ominous foreshadowing of what is to come. So it looks like the storyline that no one cares about will continue.

That about wraps it up for this week. So how is Tony Sporano? Is he awake yet?