So, yeah. I’d have loved to drop this show, but how could I abandon the very show that made me TVgasmic in the first place? I couldn’t! After the aborted fetus that was last season, Desperate Housewives can only get better, right? They’ve gotten rid of the Applewhites, the Youngs, put Mike in a coma and given KimerBree a suitable, probably murderous paramour, so things seem like they must be on an upswing. I’m only hoping that the return of creator Marc Cherry to day to day duties will bode well for the show and that no one will be locking anyone up in any basements. This being Wisteria Lane, though, I guess I shouldn’t get my hopes up too high. Let’s see what episode one has in store for us, shall we? Sidenote: I’ve been waiting for almost a year to be able to use a Eurythmics song as a title for a recap. Score one for Umnata and 80′s New Wave!Sooo… they decided to stick with the Mary Alice voiceovers. That’s an “interesting” creative choice. We’ll just deal with it; at least we don’t have to see the Amazonian Brenda Strong. Gross. Apparently, Malice is taking us on a who’s who of the surrounding area, starting and finishing with Alma and her husband… ORSON!??!?!?! You remember Orson, the creepy dentist we all thought was courting Susan, especially after he ran down Mike with his car last season, but was really after Bree? No? Well, it doesn’t matter, because here we are years ago, watching Alma on the day that she decides she’s going to leave her nutso husband. It’s actually a throwback to the Pilot episode, as we watch Alma do all her chores right before she attempts to leave her husband, just as Malice did all her chores before blowing her brains out. It seems as though Orson is not only crazy, he’s Patrick Bergen from Sleeping with the Enemy, as he has very specific directions as to how the groceries should be put away, how the laundry should be done, and, I’m sure, how his wife should service him orally.
I was hoping this scene would end with Orson barging in on Alma packing up, Alma pulling a gun on him and calling the police saying, “Police, come quick. I’ve just shot an intruder.” Oh Julia Roberts, how I long for your early ’90′s B-list vehicles! It doesn’t turn out quite like that, but Orson does catch Alma as she’s trying to pack up her pet bird, Baby, and we can only assume that things get uglier and uglier from there. The next thing you know Lakeview Drive’s answer to nosy Mrs. Huber, pops in for a visit and finds Orson wearing kitchen gloves, and Alma’s parrot saying the words “Orson, no!” The true delight here is that the nosy neighbor is played by Laurie Metcalf, who is one of the best actresses around, and a shoe-in to play Olive Oil, if the Popeye Movie is ever remade. She questions the situation in an off-handedly suspiscious way but Orson just shoos her away, finds time to kill the bird, and one can only assume, start his trek over to shake things up on Wisteria Lane. We don’t know exactly what happened to his wife, but I’m going to assume it had something to do with the Lady in White he was visiting in the mental hospital where he met Bree in the first place. Hey, it’s better than the Applewhites.
Now Malice, heads on over to Wisteria Lane 6 months ago, where it is raining. And wouldn’t you know it? Malice has something very deep and profound to say about the rain. I won’t repeat it, mostly because I didn’t take note of it, due to huge levels of inanity. Oooh look! There’s KimberBree and Orson making out in the rain! How romantic? But how is Marcia Cross’ face not melting off? I thought that she was NOT to be diluted for more than 3 minutes at a time? Next up: Gabby meeting with her divorce lawyer, as ChowMein, her maid/slave/husband’s lover/baby mama is cleaning up near by. Jeez, those Asians sure have a strong work ethic. We also get a chance to see Lynette meet Tom’s illegitimate daughter, Kayla, for the first time accompanied, of course by her mother, Nora, or as I’ll be calling her from now on, The Babe. No, not because she is super hot, but because she’s the kinda gal who probably says: “Hey Babe!” every time she sees someone. Lastly, there is slapstick stalwart, Susan hanging out in Mike Delfino’s hospital room, tending to her comatose lovvvvvver.
It looks we’re not going to leap into the present yet, as we catch a glimpse of Edie preparing Mary Alice’s old house for an Open House. Don’t worry, Nicolette Sheridan shaved her beard especially for the occasion. And this bodes well for Paul Young’s continued incarceration and the unsettlingly creepy Zach to stay on the House on Haunted Hill and out of sight for a good long while. You see according to Mary Alice theeee RAIN helps make every.thing. clean.AGAIN. WHY DOES SHE TALK LIKE THAT!?!?!
Why hellllllllo Mrs. McClusky! My favorite Octogenarian crush pops up early this season. And that’s not the only thing that’s popping up if you know what I mean. RRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Anyways, besides sexually arousing me, the old bag is there to ward off people from buying the house and eat Edie’s sandwiches. Edie is none too pleased so she kicks the GILF out on the street. You may be on the street, Mrs. M, but you will always have a place in my dreams!
It’s now Christmas time on Wisteria Lane, and the Scavos and Tom’s bastard daughter are preparing to take a family picture for their Christmas card, which is totally lame in the first place. The Babe is there, looking totally Babetastic in a Santa Hat, thinking that she’s going to be the star of the picture.
Lynette, on the other hand, has a very different idea. Tom, he of the no balls, and Lynette try too explain that they’d just like their family to be in the photo. Is The Babe’s reaction to this news a little over the top? Yes. Do I find it wildly amusing? Yes. I can already see that The Babe’s presence on this show is going to be very polarizing, as visions of nasty comments about her ,dance in my head. Whatever, I like Nora, and as we all know, she used to star in Saved by the Bell: The College Years, which makes her, by definition, okay in my book. On a side note, who’d have thought that the cast of Saved by the Bell would be the cockroach that Hollywood couldn’t kill? I mean, this is already the year of AC Slater, but now Screech porn as well? Wow. Regardless, The Babe threatens to take Kayla out of the picture, and Lynette caves. She sets Nora up at the end of the couch so they can crop her out later, but The Babe knows a great photo op when she sees one. Just as the picture is being taken she dives across the couch on top of the several preadolescent boys who are either crushed or aroused for the first time. HEY BABE!
The potential for comic gold to be mined from the vision of spoiled Gabrielle waiting hand and foot on her bed-rest ridden surrogate mother/maid is almost endless. As a matter of fact, Gabby gets two of the best lines in the episode during this scene, when ChowMein starts making demands about crackers and foot rubs (it seems she has learned a few things from her master about being a deuchebag). When Gabrielle refuses to give ChowMein a foot rub ChowMein calls her “meanest person I know!” Gabrielle is frustrated: “I am THE meanest person. You’ve been in this country for a year! Modify your nouns!” Grammar jokes are THE best, which is ironic to anyone who reads my recaps… ChowMein retorts: “What bitch,” bringing out the true Latina fire in our Mrs. Solis, promising ChowMein that when she pops out that baby, she’ll be back in China on all fours on a rice patty so fast her head will spin! Oh wait, I’m sorry, racist jokes are the best! ChowMein is frightened and angry because Gabby had promised to find her a husband in Chinatown.
It looks like Mike is still in his coma, and Susan has been tending to him ever since. As a matter of fact she’s shaving him. Yikes. Imagine SkeleHatcher coming after you with a razor? It’d be like going after her with a sandwich. Well, I’m partially right, because although she’s shaving him, he is covered in nicks and cuts. Oh Susan! The doctor tells her not to worry about the cuts on his face, because brother ain’t waking up any time soon. Well, he says it a lot nicer than that, but I just don’t have the time.
It also seems as though Bree and Orson have been having sociopath dates steadily for the last six months. Tonight is dinner and dessert courtesy of Orson. Dinner has completed and dessert is served to Bree in two tiny boxes. I know that Orson may be a murderer and he’s definitely done something that Mike Delfino knows about that was worth running him down with his car (although, maybe Orson was just frustrated with his wooden line readings), but aren’t these two totally MFEO? I mean, she’s an alien and he’s a murderer – see you two at sitcom pilot time! It seems that in one of those little boxes is a severed baby head! Bree loves it and thinks it’ll look just ducky on the mantle. Okay, it wasn’t a severed baby head; it was an engagement ring – same thing. Bree thinks this is a bit sudden, as she’s been wary about dating since her husband was murdered by her last fiancée who she killed thus becoming an alcoholic where she met her last boyfriend who ended up bedding her teenage son. But screw it! Engagement on!
So here we are, halfway through the first episode of Desperate Housewives and let’s take stock. Susan hasn’t annoyed me yet, Bree is engaged to her alter ego, KimberBree’s, soul mate, there’s been lots of The Babe, Gabrielle is flinging around racial slurs, Edie hasn’t flashed us her testicles and no one is locked in a basement. Looking good.
Perhaps I spoke to soon. Enter Dougray Scott, who is Ian, predictably British and foppish and charming. Poor guy, not only is his wife in a coma and he is smitten with Susan Mayer, but all I think about when I look at him is how he was the original Wolverine. That’s right! Prince Charming form Ever After was supposed to play Wolverine in the original X-Men, but because of schedule delays on Mission: Impossible 2 (where Dougray played the bad guy) he had to drop out of playing Wolvie, thus introducing the world to Hugh Jackman (you bastard!). Flash Forward 6 years and he’s a guest star on Desperate Housewives as Susan’s love interest. Ouch.
Another good sign is the fact that the ladies are meeting for lunch today. It’s sort of like The View except without Rosie O’Donnell to make it relevant. Bree shows up uncharacteristically late wearing white gloves. She asked them to lunch to invite them to dinner later in the week. She’s trying to be all stealthy, but there is no fooling the Felicinator. Alright! She wanted to make a proper announcement, but she just can’t wait: I’m getting marrrrrrrried! (I type that a la Father of the Bride, in case you were wondering).The ladies are shocked with Lynette going so far as to call Bree a dirty whore. Well really she says: “You move fast.” But I read between the lines. Bree realizes its fast (whore) but it just feels so right. Gabrielle, also one to read between the lines, suggests that this means Orson is good in the sack. Bree, wouldn’t know however, as she’s never given her carnal treasure to Orson. They are waiting for their honeymoon. Gabrielle cackles with delight at what must be a joke. Bree isn’t joking however. Sure she’s given up her coochie to men other than her husband, but she doesn’t want to repeat that mistake. Regardless, Bree isn’t supposed to tell anyone until the party, so the girls need to act surprised when she announces it there. Gabby says it won’t be a problem; she’ll just replay the look that she had on her face when she found out that Bree hadn’t banged Orson yet. Note to Eva Longoria: Stick with being pretty and quippy, and stay away from say, Michael Douglas CIA Thrillers.
At the Scavo house, Lynette and TomNoBalls are getting ready for Parker’s birthday party. I think Parker is the younger one who’s only slightly evil, not like the twins who are older and completely evil. TomNoBalls asks Lynette if she invited his bastard daughter to the party and she says yes, but she lied to The Babe, so she wouldn’t attend as well. TomNoBalls doesn’t like this one bit, saying that it’s just going to cause The Babe to fly off the handle. Lynette takes this opportunity to remind us why she can be so damned irritating, even if Felicity Huffman is playing her: “So you’re saying you are more scared of her than you are of me?” What does that even mean? Is that like, a thing, between married couples? The one who frightens you the most is the one you have to be with? If so I guess I need to find Leelee Sobieski’s phone number…
Susan and Ian are having a “smoothie date” at the hospital where both their significant others are in comas. They are in Ian’s wife, Jane’s room and Ian is in the bathroom washing his hands, and asking Susan out on a date. Susan, of course, has a mishap and spills her smoothie all over Jane. As far as Susan hijinks are concerned this one isn’t so bad. It’s charming in an off-handed sort of way, in fact. However, I’m pretty sure she just didn’t want to eat the smoothie because of the fat content of fruit. Susan says she isn’t ready for a date just yet, but she’ll let him know.
At Parker’s birthday party, The Babe calls up Lynette and hears the party going on in the background. The Babe is totally pisst off about this, even though Lynette tries to cover and say there is nothing going on. This leads to a mad dash to bring the party across the street to Gabrielle’s (although she’s not home), as Lynette knows that The Babe will be over any minute. Lynette is right, as The Babe shows up all crazy-like searching for remnants of a party. She comes up short until some fat kid comes out of the bathroom with his face painted asking for the pony. It’s always the fat kid who ruins everything. Believe me, I know. The Babe and Lynette race across the street, but Lynette won’t let her into the party. The Babe starts screaming for Kayla, and threatens to make her leave. At least there is SOMEONE on this show who is a worse mother than Lynette. Kayla doesn’t want to leave, and TomNoBalls finally puts his foot down on the matter. The Babe caves but swears she’ll be back! Then she disappears into a cloud of smoke.
I guess I must’ve dosed off because suddenly ChowMein is missing and Carlos and Gabby are both looking for her. They go to Chinatown to meet her friend, who doesn’t want to give up ChowMein’s location. Apparently, ChowMein told her friends about the lovely “rice patty” comment Gabby made, and it didn’t have the same delightful zing with the Asian gang as it did with me. Later, Gabby drops Carlos off at his apartment, and complains about her life. ChowMein is going to have their baby and go off and live the American dream. But what about Gabby’s Latin-American dream?
At Bree’s place, she and Orson are just finishing up dinner and Orson is getting a wee bit frisky. He thinks that since they are engaged that they can finally play hide the salami. Wrong-o, buddy! Bree is no Elizabeth Berkley, and she won’t give it up to you in a pool!
Susan is lying in Mike’s bed, and I can’t help but think of the second craziest person on the ABC lineup, Izzie from Grey’s Anatomy, snuggling up with the very dead Denny. Oh well, Susan is asking Mike for his permission to date Ian. She says that she’d love for him to just spring awake and say no. She actually tries to act a little bit, and it doesn’t come off as badly as you’d think. Alas, Mikey is still a big vegetable, so she takes that as a sign that she can date Ian.
Bree just can’t keep her mouth shut about her engagement and has called yet another person about the ring. She then starts watching Orson wash the glasses with some special, OCD solution he created to get all the streaks out. This gets Bree super hot and she attacks him and they take it to the boudoir. Orson starts going downtown to vaginaville, to which Bree asks: “Did you lose something?” Yeah, your clitoris. Ahh, there it is. Apparently, Bree isn’t down with the conilingus. Despite Bree’s immediate concerns, she enjoys the tongue ride, as we knew she would because I know more about Kyle McLachlan’s oral sex skills then even my own. I mean, after that pool scene in Showgirls, Sex in the City and that deleted scene involving him, Pebbles and Wilma in the Flintstones Movie? The man certainly knows how to chow some box.
After Bree is done, she excuses herself and heads straight to her doctor, Fresh Prince’s mom. Bree is concerned that she may have had a small stroke and is very worried. She describes the sensation in length, and the doctor deduces that she had an orgasm. Bree is shocked, she’s had orgasms before… or so she thought. I find this really hard to believe – Rex was a sex fiend, but he couldn’t make her pop? Doubtful. Furthermore, I don’t buy that Bree is this stupid. What next time she’s going to go in there and say: “I felt this tightness in my, err, buttocks, and this searing pain. I think I might be having some kind of intestinal failure!”; and the doctor’s going to have to tell her that she had anal sex? Come on, Bree.
The ladies have all congregated at Bree’s house for the big party/announcement. This scene is mostly worth noting because Julie is in it, and I have a crush as inappropriate as my one on Mrs. McClusky on Julie. She doesn’t speak in the scene, but that’s okay with me. I like my women two ways: Old and quiet or young and quiet.
There’s a knock on the door and, gasp, it’s Laurie Metcalf! Uh oh! Bree mistakenly invites her in, and she of course starts letting everyone at the party know that Orson is a killer. Well we don’t know for sure that he killed anyone, but it seems pretty darn likely. Before Laurie is kicked out she warns that she will go missing one day soon, as well.
Bree, ever the hostess, serves dinner and storms off. Orson finds her and tells her several lies about how his wife left him and he never found her. To really drive his point home, he grabs Bree’s hand way too tightly and although Bree says she believes him, we know she’s starting to have doubts. Then again, she might be thinking about that orgasm and, what’s a little murder if the sex is good?
The episode is over and we know that because Malice is back telling us that with rain comes the hope that everything will be washed away clean again. Whatever, Malice.
The parting shot is a construction site where we see a body buried in the dirty. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.
So there we have it the first episode of life on Wisteria Lane. Sure, it’s basically the first season all over again, but remember how much better the first season was then the second? Let’s count our blessings people!